I've lied to you The same way that I always do This is the last smile That I'll fake for the sake of being with you (Everything falls apart Even the people who never frown Eventually break down) The sacrifice of hiding in a lie (Everything has to end You'll soon find we're out of time left To watch it all unwind) The sacrifice is never knowing Why I never walked away Why I played myself this way Now I see your testing me pushes me away --"Pushing Me Away" by Linkin Park As the night’s full moon shined brightly through the window, Justin sat on the couch, wondering if Brian was coming home. Their three o’clock curfew time was rapidly approaching, and the older man had yet to return home. Not that they had to follow the rules anymore. ‘Hell it’s not like I’ve already broken every single one of them,’ Justin thought. Justin knew that Brian liked his freedom, but Justin was rapidly losing his patience with the whole situation. He was losing himself, and was wondering how he could find himself again. Justin wanted to talk to Brian before he fully left the man’s life. Yes, he had left with Ethan last night, but Brian had pushed him to it. Did Brian care at all? Justin needed answers, and if it was over, then he would take his stuff and leave Brian’s life forever. Never before would he have tolerated the type of treatment that he had sustained these past couple of weeks. It was like Brian was once again pulling away – running scared and Justin wasn’t going to have it. It wasn’t like Justin didn’t have anyone he could fall back on, 'cause he did. Just the thought of Ethan brought a smile to the young man’s face. It wasn’t that he loved Ethan – 'cause he didn’t. He knew he liked Ethan, had feelings for him, and could in time learn to love him, but it would never be real love. It wouldn’t be Brian. He did however, love what Ethan was offering him. To be with one person, the person you loved, and knowing that you were loved in every way, that you were the only one for that person. Those were the things that Justin was finding that he wanted. He loved Brian, and knew that he always would. But Justin knew that he couldn’t go on in the ‘relationship’ – if you could call it that – with the way things were. He wasn’t interested in the numerous, nameless tricks. Not anymore. He wanted Brian and Brian only. ‘But I’m not enough for Brian,’ he thought with sadness. Justin knew that Brian would never change, and he wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted the man to change. He fell in love with this Brian, and he wasn’t sure if he could love a ‘new and improved’ Brian. ‘Maybe everyone was right. It just can’t work between the two of us. We’re just too different. Brian has too much excess baggage.’ These past couple of months has been hard on them both. Justin’s independence – which of course went horribly wrong – had almost ended badly. ‘If Brian were to find out what Sap did that night of the party . . . no, I don’t want know. He can never find out.’ The party for his boss while he worked at Babylon was something that he didn’t want to think about ever again. Justin had come so close to being raped that he still didn’t know how he was able to get away. He didn’t know how he was able to overcome all the drugs that he had taken, or unknowingly slipped into his drinks. Then there was the whole comic book thing with Michael. ‘God, Brian was such an ass,’ he thought. He still had been unable to fully forgive Brian for his little ‘outburst’. Of course Justin’s Birthday ‘present’, and the botched up trip for the two. Justin hadn’t been away from good ol’ Pitts since before the Prom, and he knew he had to get away from this place and hopefully try and salvage this ‘thing’ between him and Brian. ‘Hell, I wasn’t even able to use my winning prize from the King of Babylon Contest.’ No matter what happened, however, Justin knew that if he could find out just what he meant to Brian, he could stick it out. The problem was he wasn’t too sure where he stood anymore when it came to the other man. Before Brian ruined his and Michael’s work, Justin could say without a doubt that Brian loved him. Now . . . between that and this whole mess with Brian’s work . . . he just wasn’t sure anymore. Justin knew that Brian had done more for him than anything that he could’ve hoped for. More than he would like for Brian to do. Justin tried to tell Brian not to worry about loaning him the money to go to school, and he would find away to pay for it on his own, or even take a year off until he could get the money up himself. But Brian wouldn’t have any of that. Brian would tell him that he had made an investment and planned on having it pay out. ‘Investment? Is that all I am to him?’ Justin hadn’t wanted to think that, but the thought came crashing into the forefront of his mind. ‘These long nights alone, are not helping things any,’ he realized. ‘I just keep coming up with more ways that Brian and I are over. Why can’t he see that we’re in trouble? Does he even care?’ Justin just sat there and placed his head in his hands. Last night at the Rage party, Brian had done the one thing that Justin wasn’t sure he could ever forgive. Brian had pushed him into Ethan’s awaiting arms. ‘I won’t cry. I won’t cry. I won’t cry.’ After nights alone, Justin had thought of the only thing that he could. Now all he had to do was follow through with it. He would wait until Brian came home, and tell him. ‘I can do this. I know I can. But god, why does it feel like I’m ready to die?’ With two bags packed and sitting by the door, he began to pray that he was doing the right thing. He needed to find himself again. He needed to be strong on his own, and fully get over what had happened all those months ago. He needed to heal, before he could live anymore. If he and Brian were to survive, Justin needed to be strong. ‘Are we even worth fighting for,’ he asked himself. ‘Can he forgive me for what I’ve done? Do I even want him to?’ Justin only hoped he didn’t destroy Brian during this time. If Brian couldn’t tell him how he felt, Justin knew that he would not be able to continue in his current state. He also knew that Brian would never be able to say the words he so desperately needed to hear. Justin would do the only thing he could. He would have to find his old self again, so that maybe he could have a future with Brian. After today, Justin would never ask anything else from Brian. He would never ask Brian how he felt. If Brian wanted him, he would have to come to him and prove it. *********************** Brian stood outside the door to the loft and rested his head against the cold metal. He had been sitting outside for the past hour, after seeing Justin make his way into the building. ‘Why is he here,’ Brian asked himself. He had pushed Justin away last night for the kid’s own good. Brian knew that if Justin had stayed with him, he would destroy Justin. No matter how much it hurt Brian, he wouldn’t be responsible for hurting Justin anymore. ‘I’ve hurt him enough. I can’t give him what he deserves. Ethan can, I saw it myself,’ Brian rationalized. He didn’t think that he could stay strong if he saw Justin again. Brian knew that he loved Justin, as much as he could anyway. He also knew that he would never be able to express it to the young man in the way that Justin deserved. ‘I did that once, and everyone knows how well that turned out. Justin still hasn’t fully recovered from that romantic display,’ he cursed. Although Brian knew that Justin didn’t remember the full night of his Prom, Brian felt that the night had been his first and last attempt at romance. He didn’t think he could go through that again. ‘Can’t stay out here all day,’ Brian realized. Brian placed his key in the lock and slowly opened the door. When he entered he saw the two bags sitting by the door, and Justin leaning against the couch. “Come to get your stuff? Good, the sooner we get this over with the better. I’m sure your new hubby will be very pleased,” he stated resorting to his old attitude hoping to hide the pain he was feeling in his chest. Justin just sat there looking at Brian. Closing his eyes briefly, he took a deep breath. Brian knew that he was being cold to Justin, but dammit he was hurting too. “Can we talk,” Justin asked him. Brian took off his jacket and threw it on the bar stool by the kitchen. Ignoring Justin, he reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a beer and walked over to the couch to sit down. “I think we said everything that needed to be said. I can’t give you what you want. You chose Ethan last night. So why are you here?” Brian stared out the window, not wanting to look at Justin. He knew that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to hide anymore. Brian saw out of the corner of his eye, Justin moving around the couch. A minute later, his view was obstructed by Justin’s beautiful face. “Why, Brian? Why are you pushing me away? You did that last night on purpose, 'cause you knew that I’d be so angry with you and go with Ethan. Why? Don’t you fucking care for me at all?” Brian just started into Justin’s eyes, letting the coldness he was feeling take over his heart and his features. ‘Yes, I care dammit. You opened the fucking door, and now I’m stuck here with all my defenses shattered,’ he wanted to yell, but just keep his eyes trained on Justin’s. “Can’t you talk to me? We never talk, and that’s the main reason why we’re where we fucking are. I’m at fault in this whole thing, at least more so than you, but dammit Brian, tell me what you want, what you’re thinking. I want to make this work, but I can’t do it alone.” Brian felt Justin’s hand on his arm. “Talk to me. Please.” Brian turned his glaze from Justin to the view outside the window. He wasn’t sure what to do at that moment. Here Justin was, begging him to take him back, to forgive him, to talk to him, but Brain wasn’t sure that he could do that. Yes, he wanted Justin. Yes, he loved Justin. But was he ready to take the step to make the changes that Justin wanted? Could he forgive? He wasn’t sure of that answer. “Look, its over. You made your choice,” Brian began. “Because you forced me into it,” Justin interrupted. Brian turned his attention back to Justin with a cold look in his eyes. Brian felt is anger beginning to build. “You were the one who fucking lied to me, Justin. Don’t try and fucking tell me that this is my fault,” he yelled as he stood from the couch moving away from Justin. Brian couldn’t look at Justin, but he felt the young man move closer to him. They could always feel when the other was near. When Brian felt Justin’s hand on his arm, he jerked away, knowing that the electric shock he had felt at the contact could break him. He heard Justin take a deep breath, and felt Justin move away from him. “Brian, I know I fucked up. I know that you think that sorry is bullshit, but I hope you know that if I could do it all over again I wouldn’t. I lo. .” Brian turned to face Justin with anger in his eyes. “Don’t you even. Listen it’s over, live with it, Justin. I am. In fact, I’ll be much happier without you in my life. So why don’t you get your shit, and get the FUCK OUT!” Brian turned away before he did something that they both would regret, and walked into his bedroom. He didn’t need to see Justin’s face to know that the young man was crying. In fact, Brian had to hold his own emotions in check so that he didn’t break down himself as he felt is life, his heart break. “I am sorry, Brian,” he heard the soft voice coming from deep within the loft. “I love you, I always will. I know I fucked up, but I hope that one day, you’ll be able to forgive me.” Brian closed his eyes hoping to block out the pain. He felt as if he was going to have a heart attack, but knew he had to keep up his façade a little while longer. “Good-bye, Brian. I love you,” Justin stated as Brian heard the loft door open, and close again. “I love you too, Sunshine,” he whispered when he felt Justin leave. As much as he wanted to turn around, open the door, and take Justin in his arms. As much as he wanted to forgive Justin for these past couple of weeks, he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. The pain and anger he was feeling was just too much for him to bear. He knew he was doing the right thing, by letting Justin go. ‘But why does it hurt do god damn much?’ Sitting on the bed, he let his emotions take over as he began to let the tears flow. He hadn’t cried since that night all those months ago while he was sitting in that hospital corridor. “I love you, too.” **************** Justin walked out of the building and made his way down the street. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a car pulling out next to him. Justin stopped and turned to see who was following him. ‘I don’t need this right now. I can’t break down yet,’ he kept telling himself. As he looked into the car, he saw Daphne leaning over to look at him. “Hey, need a lift,” she asked, hoping to help out her friend. Justin just smiled slightly and opened the door to put his stuff in. He was grateful that it was her, ‘cause he knew he didn’t want to deal with anyone else right now. “Thanks,” he said as he climbed into the passenger seat. Justin felt Daphne reach over and place a hand on his arm. “Are you okay?” Justin closed his eyes, hoping to stop the gates from opening, and letting his emotions come out. “I really fucked up this time, Daph. He’ll never forgive me, and I don’t blame him. God, I love him so much. Why,” he asked looking at her, silently hoping that she would be able to give him the answers he wanted to hear. “Why did I do it? I hurt him so much.” Justin felt his world come crashing down upon him. Finally letting go of everything that he’d been feeling these past couple of months, he cried. Justin felt Daphne reach over and hold him as he continued to cry outside of Brian’s building. “What am I going to do? I don’t know who to live without him.” “Shhh,” he heard her comforting voice. “You’ll get through this Justin, I know you will. Brian’s as much to blame in this as you are, so don’t,” she began. Justin pulled away and looked into his best friend’s eyes as the tears continued to stream down his face. “No, he’s not. I knew. . .I knew Daph, and I still demanded. . .I still . . . God.” Justin placed his head in his hands, not able to continue. He didn’t know what to do, where to go, who he was. He continued to cry as he felt the car pull away from the side and move towards town. “Do you have a place to stay,” he heard her ask. All he could do was shake his head no. Justin wouldn’t stay with Ethan, he didn’t want to move back home with his mother, and he just couldn’t move back with Deb. Not now, not ever again. “Okay, look, you can stay with me for a while. It won’t be a problem,” she said to him. “I can’t,” he began. “You can, and you will,” she told him. Justin just nodded. He felt numb, like he had just been stuck in a winter storm with no clothes on for days. ‘How can I live without him? I can’t believe that I fucked it up. When everyone was warning me about him, I was the one who had messed it up, not Brian. What have I done,’ he continued to ask himself. Justin looked up and just stared out the front window of the car. He didn’t want to think anymore, he didn’t want to feel anymore. All he wanted was for the pain to stop. ‘I’m so sorry, Brian.’ ******************* Daphne stood in the doorway of her living room, and looked at her sleeping friend. It had been three weeks since the ‘big break-up’, and she felt as if she was losing Justin to depression as the days went by. ‘What can I do to help you, Justin,’ he asked herself. She hated seeing Justin looking so lost. He had lost his smile, he lost his light. However, what she hated most was how everyone else was treating him. It was like since he and Brian were no more, that he couldn’t have his friends anymore either. Michael was being an ass to Justin, which Daphne figured would’ve happened sooner or later. Everyone knew that Michael hated Justin, and what he had represented him Brian’s life. But damn. Ted wasn’t talking to Justin, not that it was that big of a loss, in her opinion. Deb would just look at Justin with a disappointed look in her eye. Daphne had caught it even though Deb tried hard not to show it to Justin, but she knew that he knew. The only ones who would still talk to him, and still wanted to be friends with him were Emmett and Lindsey. Daphne was furious with all of them. She had thought that it wouldn’t matter if the two were together or not, that they were all friends. She had hoped that they would try to understand her friend better. ‘Yes, he is MY friend,’ she stated to herself. The worst thing is that Justin wouldn’t even see or talk to Ethan. ‘Granted if he left this damn room once in a while, he might be able to do that, but he hasn’t left here since I brought him here. He hasn’t even gotten up to go to school.’ Daphne could now see the pain that Justin was in. Before this, she had believed what he had wanted her to see, what he wanted everyone to see. She now knew that Justin was broken. Looking back on these past couple of months, she could see that he had been suffering since he had woken up from his coma. Since Justin had been staying with her, she had been doing some research on her own. She knew that what Hobbs had done to him had changed him drastically, but since he seemed okay with things, she never bothered to think any farther than that. But seeing him now, seeing and looking back on things, she knew that he was far from fine. His one constant in his life – Brian – had shut down. No one had wanted to talk about it with him, so he had closed himself off. He told himself that he was fine. Then came this damn comic book. Justin had told his story in that book. Unfortunately what none of them had bothered to see, is that it had opened a door within him, that he didn’t know how to deal with. Justin had almost died that day at the Prom. Daphne knew from her readings that having a life and death situation will change people. He felt he needed more, cause he knew how fragile life was now. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how he could talk about it. No one would talk about it. ‘Not even me,’ she thought with sadness. They had all let him down, in the worst possible way. She also knew that Justin was definitely suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. He just wasn’t sure how to express what he was feeling. He went along with what everyone else wanted, never telling anyone how he felt. Daphne knew that she needed to help him. She hated to see him like this. She wanted her friend back. With a plan in mind, Daphne wrote a quick note, grabbed a folder that sat beside her computer, and walked out of her apartment. ‘It’s time that I confront the problem,’ she said. ‘Justin can’t, so as his friend, I will for him.’ ***************** After Daphne had left, Justin opened his eyes and looked around. As grateful as he was for Daphne’s help, he couldn’t stand her to hover around him anymore. He needed to think. Quickly he reached over to the table next to him, and turned on the CD player. Standing and moving across the room, Justin sat on the couch, just listening to some music. He just didn’t know what to do anymore. Justin knew that Daphne was worried about him, but he just needed to figure out where he was going in his life. He saw some of Daphne’s new CD’s sitting by the side of her stereo, and he knew he had to try and come up with some way to get out of the mess that he had gotten himself into. All he had to do was clear his mind long enough to come up with something. These past couple of weeks he had felt numb, like nothing mattered anymore. And truthfully it didn’t. Brian didn’t love him anymore, ‘if he ever did,’ Justin thought. ‘No! Stop thinking about that. You have Ethan, now. Why can’t I bring myself to go and see him?’ The night he had left with Ethan, he had told the other teen that he needed time to come to terms with things before he was able to fully commit to a relationship with him. Justin only hoped that he could give Ethan what he deserved. ‘I just hope in time I can learn to love him,’ he thought. Ethan was everything that Justin wanted. At least he thought he wanted. ‘The only problem is he isn’t Brian.’ Justin hit play on the CD player, hoping that some music will calm him enough to come up with the proper perspective. He owed Ethan a lot, and Ethan loved him. ‘All I have to do is get out of this funk, and give Ethan what he wants. What I want. Only why does it feel like I’m still cheating on Brian?’ The words of the song drifted slowly through the small room, and Justin felt as if the song was saying everything that he was feeling. He doesn't taste like you He doesn't touch like you No, I know he can't replace What never, never went away There is no substitute For what I shared with you No, I know it's not the same When he, when he calls my name Does he know that when he's looking in my eyes I'm thinking in the back of my mind Justin knew -- if he truly wanted to admit it, everything that he had with Ethan that he had done with Ethan -- he had always hoped in the back of his mind that it was Brian. He should be you How can it be That the man I wanna love Is not the man who's loving me It should be you, it should be me Don't want to hurt him but it's true He should be, he should be you Justin only wished that Brian felt for him the way he felt for the older man. Justin knew that Brian loved him, if he actually sat down to remember their time together. Justin only wanted Brian to admit it. ‘Love just isn’t enough sometimes,’ he thought to himself. ‘Yes, Brian loves me, but he just can’t give me what I want.’ Thought I was over you Thought I had spent enough Time alone living, living on my own I guess I fooled myself By thinking I could tell A broken heart when it should start Do you know how hard I've tried to let him in Kept thinking that in time there'd be a spark ‘Can I get over Brian,’ Justin wondered to himself. ‘Can I forget Brian, and move on with Ethan? Is it fair to Ethan to give him only a part of myself?’ Justin wasn’t sure of that answer. He knew that Brian held a part of him, and always would. He would always be in love with Brian, and Justin wasn’t sure if he could give anymore of himself away without fully losing who he was. ‘Brian has so much of me, which I don’t know if I have anything left to give.’ How do I let him know How do I let him go What'll I say to him to explain It's not that I don't care It's just that it's not fair When I look at him I feel this way Justin closed his eyes as the words continued to cry out to him. Realization hit him. He couldn’t put Ethan through this. Ethan deserved the one person who is faithful. Completely faithful. ‘As long as we’re together, Brian will always be in my thoughts. I can’t do that to Ethan. He deserves better than a damaged kid, who can’t give him what he deserves.’ He should be you How can it be That the man I wanna love Is not the man who's loving me It should be you, it should be me Don't want to hurt him but it's true He should be, he should be you (“He Should Be You” by Soluna) Justin placed his head in his hands, allowing to tears to flow from his eyes. He cried for what he could’ve had if he was only allowed to. He couldn’t love Ethan, and Justin knew that no matter how long they would be together, Brian would always be in the background. He couldn’t pretend. He wouldn’t do that to Ethan. So Justin cried for the loss of what he couldn’t have. ‘I’m destined to be alone.’ ******************* Brian sat down at his computer working on the latest advertising campaign that Vance had handed him. Since the night of the party, three weeks ago, Brian had thrown himself in his work in hopes to rid his mind of any thoughts of Justin. When he wasn’t working he went out to Babylon to find the first available person to fuck. So far it was working well for him. Along with the drugs and alcohol, he hadn’t had the time or energy to think about Justin. At least that’s what he tried to convince himself and others. The truth was he would forget Justin, that was until he would go into the bedroom, or take a shower -- or hell -- see anything that was Justin’s that was still laying around the loft. Justin was always on his mind. Brian knew he would never be able to truly forget the young man, and wished he could just have one solid nights rest. ‘God, I never thought that he would have gotten in this far under my skin,’ he thought. Brian was slowly brought out of his thoughts by a banging on the loft door. ‘Fuck, Mikey, just leave me alone,’ he thought. He was beginning to wonder if he just ignored the banging the person would give up and go away. After about another minute of the banging, Brian gave up and got up to answer it. “What the fuck do you want,” he asked when he saw Daphne standing on the other side. This was the last thing he wanted right now. He didn’t think that he could deal with her right now. Brain watched Daphne as she pushed her way past him, moving deep into the loft. “Make yourself at home,” he said sarcastically. “Don’t mind if I do,” she said as she moved over to the couch and sat down. Brian just stood there continuing to look at her. Brian went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of JB. ‘Somehow I think I’ll need a whole hell lot more than one glass,’ he thought realizing that Daphne was there to ream him a new asshole. ‘Now there’s a scary thought.’ Brian grabbed the bottle and took it with him over to sit down in the chair across from the young teen. “Okay, you come in here. . .scratch that. . .you barge into here, without permission, and sit here like you own the place. Want to tell me what the fuck is on your mind, before I throw your ass out,” he stated leaning back with the glass in his hand. Brian caught Daphne looking at him. It felt like she was trying to see into his soul. ‘Justin used to do that too,’ he thought painfully. ‘No wonder they’re friends. They’re so much alike it’s painful.’ He was brought out of his thoughts with her shoving a folder onto his lap. “What’s this? I don’t correct homework,” he said lifting the offensive article up. Daphne just glared at him, and Brian knew that she was on a mission. What that mission was, he wasn’t sure, but he knew that he wouldn’t like it. “No, you stupid fuck,” she began. Brian was taken aback at her language. Daphne – sweet, innocent Daphne who never talked to him this way – was now a woman with one goal. ‘Nothing’s worse than a woman scorned.’ “I thought that you’d like a little light reading.” Brian saw Daphne’s eyes slightly cloud before she closed them to collect her thoughts. “Justin’s been staying with me. And before you say anything,” she began stopping Brian from telling her that he didn’t give a fuck what Justin was doing. He knew that it was a lie, but what she had told him did come as a shock. Brian was sure that Justin would move in with his new little boyfriend, not his best friend. “Justin’s not doing well. He hasn’t even left the room.” “Why the fuck are you telling me this? Justin made his choice, he has a new boy toy to play with. Why don’t you tell him this shit?” Brian stood and moved over to the window. He was beginning to feel trapped. ‘Why the fuck is she here?’ “Justin and I are over. What he does means nothing to me?” “Really, then why can’t you look at me,” she yelled at him. Brian could feel the anger coming off of her. She was definitely a woman protecting her friend. Brian could admire that. “For the past three weeks, I’ve had to sit there and watch him get father and father away from everyone. So I decided to do a little research. You know what I found?” Brian knew that she wouldn’t keep him in the dark, but he wouldn’t make it easier on her. So he resorted to his old safety device – his sarcasm. “What erectile dysfunction?” ‘God I hope that little fuck, Ethan, can’t keep it up. Justin deserves better than someone who just lets him whither away for three weeks.’ Brian found himself getting angry at the young teen. He had hoped when he forced Justin out that Ethan would take care of him. That Ethan would give Justin what he deserved. Now Brian is finding out that Ethan isn’t even there to help Justin through this. Brian knew that the break-up would be hard on Justin, no matter what, they did love each other. This was the first relationship for either of them. He knew that a break-up like they had would hurt. ‘So where the fuck is Ethan?’ “Not funny. I looked up information on PTSD,” she stated. “What,” he asked even though he knew what it meant. He just couldn’t believe that he had missed it. He wanted to believe that it wasn’t true. “Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, you idiot. You know what I found out? Justin has been suffering from it for months, and none of us even noticed,” she stated sounding to Brian as if she was regretful. ‘Justin’s been suffering from PTSD and I didn’t see it,’ Brian thought with disgust. ‘How could I miss that?’ “What are you talking about? Justin’s fine.” “Yeah, he’s fine. NOT! Here, look at the folder and tell me if you can’t see a pattern here. Think about all the stuff this past year, and tell me if you don’t see it,” she said as she pointed to the folder in his hand. “Some of the stuff I don’t know, I need your help. Please,” she begged. “Help me to help Justin.” Brian sat back down and opened the folder. On top, he saw Daphne’s hand writing neatly gracing the page. She had a list of symptoms, and how she related to in Justin’s life. Brian looked down the list, shocked at what he was seeing. Trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, reoccurring nightmares -- ask Brian Fear, Anxiety -- (cured?) Ask Brian. Depressed, sad, low energy -- complains of being tired all the time, he hasn’t smiled as much. Emotionally numb, withdrawn -- Justin doesn’t so the same stuff he used to do. We don’t go to the movies anymore or to the mall. Trouble controlling emotions -- blew up at me, Michael, Deb, Lindsey, Brian on many occasions. He gets angry and frustrated easily when he used to take things and let it roll off of him. Avoid situations that might have strong emotions -- Easy. He just wont do the same things that we used to do. Anything that can make him happy (at least used to make him happy) he won’t do anymore. Trouble having loving feelings -- Justin has just gone along with everything that Brian wanted, not fighting for what he wanted. Not like the same guy who chased after Brian for a year. If Brian wants to have a three some, Justin goes along with it, no complaint. He avoids his mom, and sister. He hasn’t told Brian that he loved him in months. Not feeling pain -- Justin got a deep cut on his finger one day we were together, and he said he didn’t even feel it. I passed it off that it was his right hand, and he may have problems with it, but it maybe more. Losing interest in things you used to love to do -- see above. Problems in relationships, not able to feel close to people, or trust them -- see his relationship with Brian this past year. They were closer before the bashing then they are now. They never talk about anything. Feeling permanently damaged -- Justin still doesn’t use regular drawing as often as he used to. He still relies heavily on the computer. Alcohol abuse and drug abuse -- Justin has been using a lot more drugs, and drinking a great deal more now then he ever did. It’s almost like he needs to hide the pain deep within himself. “Ethan can’t help him, Brian. Only we can. Please, I can’t lose him.” Brian sat there staring at the list in front of him. ‘How could I miss this,’ he thought. He could see now, that Justin hadn’t gotten over the bashing as they all had believed. Justin was still suffering, and none of them helped him. None of them saw the pain he was in. “He hid it well,” Daphne said breaking though the fog. “I think it wasn’t until Michael had asked him to do the comic book that even Justin knew that there was a problem. Bringing it all back was just too much for him.” Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose with is fingers. He felt a headache coming on, and he knew that nothing would get rid of it. “Of course since no one wanted to talk about it, I’m sure that it didn’t help matters. FUCK!” “See what I mean. He hid it well. I mean if you didn’t see it, and you spent the most time with him, how were the rest of us supposed to see it.” Brian saw that she lowered her head in her hands, trying to keep it together. He knew what she was feeling at that moment. Failure. They had failed Justin. ‘I failed Justin.’ When Daphne looked up, Brian just stared at her. “What can I do,” Brian asked. He knew that he had to do something. Daphne was right, Ethan couldn’t help Justin in this. Only those closest to the bashing had to help Justin, and that meant the two in this room. No one else knew. Together they would help Justin, whether or not he wanted it. ************** Justin stood outside the door leading to Ethan’s small apartment. From deep within, Justin could hear Ethan practicing, and Justin felt his resolve falter. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. He had to do this. ‘Ethan deserves better than a broken down kid who doesn’t know what he wants,’ Justin thought gathering his strength. Strength that he didn’t feel at the moment, but he knew that he was doing the right thing for Ethan. A moment later the door opened, revealing the young man. Ethan smiled at Justin and opened the door wider for him. Justin wasn’t sure if he should go in. If he went into the room, could he go through with what he had planned on doing. Making a decision, Justin just stood there. “Can we go for a walk and talk,” he asked hoping that Ethan would understand. He didn’t want to hurt him. Ethan had given a feeling that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Ethan had given him love, and a sense of belonging which Justin hadn’t felt for months. He would always be grateful, but he just couldn’t continue. Justin noted the look in Ethan’s beautiful eyes. ‘He knows,’ Justin dreaded. Justin could see the sudden pain and realization in the other’s eyes. Ethan went further inside the apartment, and grabbed his coat, making Justin once again think about what he was doing. The two walked out of the complex and toward the park in silence. Neither one sure of what to say. Justin moved over to a bench and sat down. Ethan had been quiet the entire time, and that began to worry Justin. “So are you back with him,” Ethan asked taking Justin by surprise. “No. . .God no,” Justin exclaimed. The last thing that he wanted Ethan to think was that he had gone back to Brian. He hadn’t, and he couldn’t see himself with Brian ever again. The two just weren’t compatible anymore, Justin knew that. Justin turned to look at Ethan’s pain filled eyes. “I’m not with Brian. I hope you believe that. It’s over between the two of us. I just. . .” “You don’t feel that way about me. You’ll always love him, and you don’t feel that way about me. You never will,” Ethan stated. Justin was amazed that Ethan had it all figured out. ‘I should’ve known better than to think that he wouldn’t know. God, I’m such an idiot.’ “I wish that I could, Ethan. I care about you, and you’ve given me something that I haven’t had in a long time. I don’t know how to thank you, but. . .Brian and I have been through a lot. I just don’t think that it’s the right time to try to get into another relationship. I’ve thought a lot about it these past couple of weeks, and I realized that no matter what, I’ll always love Brian.” “I understand,” he simply said. Justin felt a pang of guilt stabbing him in the heart. He didn’t want to hurt Ethan, but no matter what he tried to say or do, it would hurt him. ‘God, I’m such an ass. No wonder Brian pushed me away.’ “I’m sorry. I just don’t think it’s fair to you. You’re a great guy, and I DO care about you, but,” Justin began hoping to at least try to be friends. He didn’t have many of those anymore, and he wished that he hadn’t ruined any chance at the two of them being friends. Ethan held up his hand, halting Justin from saying anymore. “Don’t. I understand. I hope you have a good life, Justin. You deserve the best. Don’t settle for anything else.” Justin just sat there watching as Ethan stood and began to walk away. All hope that the two could be friends flew away with the wind, as Ethan continued to walk out of Justin’s life. He felt numb. ‘God, I didn’t think I could feel any worse.’ Justin just continued to sit there, thinking about what he was going to do now with his life. He had no one left. Everyone had left him. ‘Am I that disgusting that no one wants me?’ ***************** Justin walked into Daphne’s apartment, and immediately saw her sitting on her couch waiting for him. Justin just acknowledge her with a slight nod as he removed his coat and set it on the chair next to the door. “Where’d you go? Are you okay,” she asked him. Justin just moved over to sit next to her. Taking her hand into his own he took a deep breath. Justin knew that his friend was worried about him, but he wanted to reassure her that he was fine. He knew what he had to do now, and he hoped that she understood. “I went to see Ethan,” he began looking down at their hands. ‘She had always been there for me. Ever since we were kids,’ Justin thought. “I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore. I told him that I couldn’t put him through my mess. He deserves better than me, and he left.” Justin heard Daphne take a deep breath in shock. “What are you going to do now,” she asked. Justin was grateful to have at least one friend that he could talk to. He wanted her to be the first one to know, she deserved that much. He wanted her to know that he wasn’t leaving her, he just needed time. He only hoped that his decision wouldn’t push her away too. ‘Please understand, Daph.’ “I was sitting there after Ethan left, and I thought about it.” Justin looked up into his best friend’s eyes, silently begging her to understand. “I’m leaving.” “What,” she exclaimed. Justin could see the disbelief in her eyes. “How do you plan on doing that?” Justin let go of her hand and stood, moving over to look out of the small window. “I’m going to talk to my mom, and see if she can’t help me.” Justin turned to face her, knowing that she deserved the truth. “I need to get away for a while. I need to try and start fresh. Maybe if I go someplace where they don’t know me, maybe I can figure out what I’m going to do now. I feel so lost, Daph. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just need some time to get myself together. Please understand. Please,” he begged. Daphne stood and walked over to him, pulling him into her arms. Justin felt himself start to break down. “For how long,” he heard her ask. She was sad, he could tell she was trying to stop any tears that were threatening to flow. “I don’t know,” he said with his head on her shoulder. “But I need to do this, Daph. There’s too much here. . .I don’t think I can take anymore. Please understand. I’ll keep in touch, I won’t leave you completely. Please understand. I need you to understand,” he begged. Justin felt Daphne’s arms close in tighter around him. “I understand.” With her declaration, Justin broke down completely, letting all of his pain come out. Her acceptance meant more to him than anything that he could ever hope for. He only hoped that she knew what she meant to him. ‘Before I leave, I’ll make sure she knows,’ he swore to himself. ‘I promise you, Daphne, you won’t lose me. I won’t allow it. I need you. I just don’t know who I am anymore. I need to get away, and think.’ “I love you, Justin. I hope you know that. No matter where you are, what you’re doing, I’ll always be there for you. Don’t forget that. Okay?” Justin clung to her, nodding his head. “I love you to, Daph. You’re my best friend.” Daphne pulled back a little and gave him a small smile. “And you’re mine. You better keep in touch, and don’t take too long in finding yourself again, okay. I need my best friend here with me.” Justin gave her a small smile. “When are you going?” Justin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t know yet, but soon.” Justin could almost see Daphne’s mind working. ‘What is she planning,’ he thought but quickly pushed that thought away. He didn’t care, she understood. He wouldn’t be here in this city much longer, and he knew that he wouldn’t tell her exactly when he was leaving. He didn’t want her to try and stop him. He knew that he had to do this, and no one was going to stop him. No one. **************** ‘God, I have to tell Brian,’ she thought as she saw Justin leave to go see his mom. ‘Brian will know what to do.’ Picking up the phone, she dialed a number that she knew by heart. “Brian, we have a problem,” she stated. After she explained everything to Brian, she hung up. Holding the phone in her hand, Daphne just stared at it. “I hope you understand that I’m only doing this to help you, Justin. I can’t lose you now. I’m sorry.” TBC. . . In Part 2 of For All Time : Cleaning Out my Closet Next: Justin goes to talk to his mom, but finds someone else there as well. Justin’s problems come to the forefront as he faces an awful truth. How will he cope? Who will help him? Will Justin follow through with his plan to leave Pittsburg behind? ______________ Notes: Songs used Linkin Park “Pushing Me Away” is from Hybrid Theory. Song “He Should Be You” is by Soluna from they album For All Time. © 2002 Kacie J MacLagan AKA: Acacia