Finding My Way By Acacia Justin's POV of A New Day Has Come Part One Warning : Contains talk about Child Abuse and Incest. -------------------------------------- Coming home is strange. I mean I’ve been away so long that I’m not really sure where I stand anymore. My time in Europe has been both awakening for me, and a definite growing experience. When I left, I had told Brian that I was going to use this time to grow, and I think I have accomplished that. Granted I can honestly say that it will not be the way that everyone expects. I had learned things while I was there, that I don’t know what it all means. Did the things that I am remembering really happen? Or am I just making things up… putting my own fears and disappointments into something else entirely? I don’t know really. As I sit on this plane, heading back to the place I had left so long ago, I wonder what will greet me there. Will my friends still be there for me? They had said that they forgave me for everything… for leaving without a word… for lying, but I wonder if they truly did. Brian and I had actually worked hard at this whole trying to be friends thing… talking to each other via e-mail, and chats as often as we could. I think that for the first time ever, I really know him. I don’t know however what will happen when we touch down in Pittsburgh. I don’t know what will happen then. I don’t see things, feel things the way I used to… and actually that scares me. Let me backtrack here. Let you know what really was going on, and you can see just what I am talking about. First off things hadn’t really been easy for me lately… okay so for the past couple of years. I had lived in this bubble of sorts… thinking that all was right in the world… that nothing could touch me. If I wanted something I did everything in my power to get that one thing. It just so happened that I had set my sights on Brian. Man, was that one hell of a wild ride. But then Hobbs happened. I still don’t remember much of that night… or the days leading up to it. I remember parts of the actual attack, but that’s it. And believe you me, I tried to remember. I guess it was that trying to recall those missing days, that missing dance that got me to where I am now. I mean if I hadn’t tried to unlock those memories, then the ones that I’m faced with now never would’ve surfaced. They would’ve stayed locked behind those doors that they had been buried beneath for about 10 years. But then again… when have I ever done anything the right way – the easy way? Anyway… Brian and I started to have some problems. I fucked up… he wouldn’t listen to me… things just went down hill fast, and there was nothing either of us could’ve done to stop the train wreck waiting to happen. Believe me I tried. I had pretended to be in love with this guy that Mel and Lindsey had introduced me to. We became friends, and one day I asked him if he could help me out. I think that he actually wanted more, I don’t know. I mean yeah… the sex was great, the one time we did it, but I don’t know. The thing was… I didn’t love him. I never did. The one person I loved however… I don’t know. Did he love me? Or was I just a convenient fuck? Now don’t get me wrong, I knew that Brian cared about me. That was never in doubt… it was how much he cared that was in question. After he had pissed on my work, I had serious doubts about us… about what he felt for me. I guess I never fully got over that. It was after that moment that everything else seemed to get blown out of proportion. My Birthday, the tricks, the Vermont trip… everything just was crazy for me. I’ve been told by people that I really need to get help, that I’m suffering from Post Traumatic Disorder, but I don’t think so. I mean I feel fine, really I do. I don’t know how I could. But then again, what the hell do I know half of the time. So anyway, I had figured out this BIG plan to get Brian to admit that he cared about me… only problem was it blew up in my face. I lost it all that night. I lost Brian. It wasn’t long after I had left Brian. It had been two weeks. Two weeks since I left Brian standing alone inside Babylon. Two weeks since I walked out with Ethan, leaving everyone and everything behind. Yeah, the gang still talked to me for the most part, but I could feel the tension in the air whenever I’m around them. No one knew quite what to say. When one of them would start to say that I had done a good thing in getting away from Brian, I would stand up for the older man, telling them that they knew nothing of my relationship with Brian. What no one knew was that Ethan and I never really was. I tried to force Brian’s hand, to push Brian to show some feelings toward me, only to have everything blow up in my face. If I had learned anything from my time with Brian, it was that in order to get the man to do anything you had to give him a small push. Okay, so MY small push had lead to a complete and total disaster, but I tried. Now, I’m forced to live with my mistake. Live with the fact that I had finally pushed Brian Kinney too far. Way past the breaking point. I was on my own for the first time in my life. I never would’ve guessed that I would be here when I started this whole thing. Yeah, I knew that the two of us were heading for trouble, and that it was for the most part my fault, but I had hoped that we could’ve worked beyond it. However, things hadn’t worked out the way that I had hoped they would’ve. I knew that I couldn’t stay here in Pittsburgh. I needed to get away from this place and the memories of my fuck-up -- basically away from Brian. When the letter came in the mail, I had completely forgotten that I had even applied for the scholarship, and to say that I was in shock as I sat on my bed at my mother’s, would be an understatement. I had been accepted to study in Greece and Italy at the Aegean Center for Fine Arts. Maybe it’s a good thing that Brian and I aren’t together right now, not fully believing it. I knew that if Brian and I had been together I would’ve thought against going, but as it stands now I relish in the idea. A chance to get away from Pittsburgh for a full year. To grow, and learn. I could finally get over Brian. I only hoped I’d be able to do just that. But now was not the time to think about Brian… I had things to plan and people to see. The term was to start March 2nd, and I was not going to miss this trip. I planned on not really telling anyone until right before I left. The last thing I wanted was for Brian to know, I didn’t think that I could sit and talk to the man I still loved, knowing how I had messed things up for us. Of course, I knew that I really didn’t have to worry about the comic anymore, since Michael had told me that under no circumstances would I will be working with him on the comic. At least not face to face. I was told that the only way that he would work with me was through e-mail or messenger. No matter how pissed that made me, I knew that it would actually be for the best. I didn’t think that I could face Michael’s hate right now. The worst thing for me was the other problems I’ve been having for the past couple of weeks. Since the night of the Rage Party, I had been having nightmares. Or maybe they’re memories…what happened at the prom. I thought I was over those, gotten past the pain, and sorrow of that night. I thought I was stronger than that. But that night… seeing the bashing being played out right before me… the crowd cheering, I felt sick. I was ready to call it off with Ethan, tell the other man that I didn’t want to go through with it, but seeing Brian in the backroom – I knew that it was over. When I needed Brian the most, the older man was completely unavailable – fucking ‘himself’ in the backroom. So bags packed, my plane leaving soon, I sat down at my desk and began to write. I knew that I should see Brian, explain that I didn’t need the tuition money this coming year, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to even get close to the building. I didn’t want to see the pain I had caused Brian. Of course I know he lied when he told Lindsey he didn’t love me… that he never did. I know he did, as much as he could anyway. I had to believe that. I can’t believe that this past year had been a mistake. I decided that a letter to my former lover would be best. One last letter, and I could start fresh – to say good-bye once and for all, and close the book on Brian and I. I had to if I was ever to survive. So I had put my bags by the door and head out. I had to go and see everyone before I left… I just had to. So I started my day off with visiting everyone. It didn’t take me long to find myself at Deb’s. I had already said good-bye to everyone else, and I guess I wanted Deb to be the last. As I walked up to the front door, I had take a deep breath, hoping that I can get through this last good-bye before I was gone. I’d already seen Emmett and Ted, and had dinner with Lindsey and Melanie last night. I was almost done. Daphne was the hardest to say good-bye to, but we both agreed to write and talk to each other as much as possible. We both were adamant that it was only going to be for a year, and it wasn’t like I was never going to come back. I would be back, I knew that. I only hoped that I would be strong enough by then to live my new life without Brian. Since Deb never locked the door, I slowly opened it, knocking on the wood as I peeked in. “Sunshine, come in,” Deb said from the kitchen. “How’d you know it were me,” I asked with a smile as I made my way into the house. Vic was sitting at the table looking through the morning paper, and laughed. “No one else knocks… they all just barge right in.” “Well I guess I’ll just have to change my ways if I ever want to surprise you guys.” I sat down at the table as Deb places a plate of food in front of me. I tried not to laugh since it seemed every time that I was there Deb fed me… no matter what time of the day it was. That’s one thing that I knew I was going to miss during the next year. “Actually I just came by to tell you guys the good news,” I said as I picked up the fork and took a bite of the lunch Deb had prepared. “What’s that, Sunshine,” Deb asked sitting down in the chair next to me. “Remember me telling you about that study abroad program… you know the one where I would study in Greece and Italy? Well I’ve been accepted, and I leave this Friday.” I watched as the two’s faces went from shocked to happy in an instant. Deb got out of her chair and pulled me into a hug, squeezing the air out right out of my lungs. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to breathe again. “I’m so proud of you. I knew you could do it… Wait,” she said pulling back. “Friday? That’s two days away? We…we have to have a party. A going away party.” “Deb… it’s okay, really. I don’t want a party. I just want to spend the next couple of days seeing everyone, and just hanging out. The next year was going to be hectic as is. So please… don’t worry about it,” I said hoping she would get the hint that I didn’t want anything. I hoped I had convinced Emmett of that fact, but for some reason I was almost positive that I would have to endure at least ONE party before I boarded the plane. That was the whole point of waiting until the last minute before telling the gang. Of course none of them knew when I was really leaving, and I had just known that I was going to catch hell for it, but I really didn’t want to make a big production out of this. All I wanted was to get on the plane and leave this all behind for a while. Deb about ran up the stairs to get some things that she wanted me to have for the trip, as Vic just sat there and looked me over. “So, have you told Brian about this,” Vic asked knowing what I still felt for Brian. I smiled slightly and shrugged. “Not really. I haven’t figured out what I would say to him. I mean I know he will find out no matter what when he gets his check refunded, but … I don’t know if I’m ready to face him yet after… after what happened.” “I think you owe it to him to let him know,” Vic told me. “I know. And I’m going to see him before I go. I just don’t know what to say to him,” I said, leaning back in the chair. “How do I tell him that I lied? That I fucked up and I wish that we could still be together? I don’t think that I can. Brian hates one thing… and that’s liars. He already hates me, I don’t know if I can face him, knowing what I did.” “Justin,” Vic reached across the table and laid his hand on top of mine. “You should tell him. It’s only right. Who knows, maybe you two can come out of this as friends. It’s something the two of you never really had before.” I had smiled slightly at Vic and stood to leave. “I better get this over with. Who knows, as you said… we might even be able to be friends.” Now this is where I have to step back a little. See I had originally thought that I would just write Brian a letter and be done with that, but I guess you can say that it was Vic who helped change my mind. He was right. Brian deserved more than just a letter… he deserved to have me face to face, tell him that I was leaving. To tell him how badly I fucked up. He deserves a chance to get out everything that he needs to say. I owned him that much and more. I know that, but I tried to deny it. I figured that if I could just be on the plane, just get the hell out of that town then I could go on like nothing ever happened… that Brian didn’t mean anything to me. So am I full of shit or what? I know, it’s wrong to think that. I know that. But … I still wasn’t sure that I was ready to face him… to have him mad at me. There are times that I am just a stupid little twat. So the entire time over to Brian’s I kept telling myself that I have to do this… that I own him this much. I deserve whatever he has to say to me. And I know that no matter what, I can never fully be over him, but if I can face him one last time… then I might have a chance at being happy while I’m away. It all sounds soo simple. I talk myself into doing just that… just walking in the loft and telling him. Let him say what he wants to say, and leave. Simple. No drama… no crying… nothing. In and out. Once again… I am so full of shit. All that talk was good, and I actually started to believe it. That was until I was actually standing right in front of the door. So there I was standing in front of the loft door, trying to take a deep breath, hoping to gather the courage to knock. As I raised my hand, the door opened before I could even connect. Caught off guard, I stood there speechless for a moment. “Ahh, hey.” Brian just pulled back the door, walked away and sat down at his desk. I slowly entered the loft, closing the door behind me. “I just came by to say good-bye,” I begun trying to keep my voice steady. I can say that it was not an easy thing. All that talk before hadn’t done a thing for me, and then standing there in the place I thought as my home, saying good-bye. Fuck! All I can remember thinking was ‘Why was I there? Why the Hell did I think that this would be easier than just sending him the letter?’ Suck it up, Taylor. Fuck! I looked around the loft, actually I was looking anywhere but Brian. I didn’t want to see the pain and anger that I was sure would be there. “I’m ahhh, I’m going to Europe for a year… to study abroad. So I.. ah… I guess I just wanted to let you know that you won’t have to worry about the loan or anything. I’ll have my mom come by and pick up my stuff too, put it all in storage or something.” Not hearing anything from Brian, I wasn’t sure if the other man had heard a word I had said. Granted that was one of the main reasons we had imploded to begin with, but I am so not going to go there. At the time, I really wasn’t ready to even mention any of his faults; I was all ready just to take the blame entirely on my own shoulders. So I walked over to the kitchen counter and ran my hand across the smooth surface. “It should be fun, you know – being over there. I just… I just wanted you to know that.” I turned to leave, having said what I went there to say. Before I could reach the handle of the door, Brian’s voice called out to him. “The fiddler going with you,” Brian asked. I could hear the steel in Brian’s voice, and I could hear the pain animating from it. “Brian,” I began without turning around. “Ethan and I aren’t together… we never were. He was just a friend. I fucked him once, that’s all. I thought…I hoped that if you thought he and I were… together that maybe…” I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts. “But it doesn’t matter now. You said what you wanted to say, and I understand. I pushed too hard, and now we… I have to live with it. I’m sorry, Brian. I don’t know what else to say.” Brian walked up behind me so that he was standing close. I could feel the heat from his body, as it was inches from my own. God, I knew at that moment that I would never love anyone the way I had loved him. No one would be able to compare to the passion that we had shared. No one would have ever been able to bring these feelings that I had at that moment out of me… no one but Brian. I knew that. “What the fuck are you talking about?” I turned around and looked up at my former lover. “Just what I said, Brian. I used Ethan to try and get you to admit you cared… to try and push you into something that you weren’t ready for. I fucked up, BIG time, and now… now I guess I just have to deal with it. I hope, my only hope, was that we might be able to be friends someday… I can understand,” I began. Before I could get anything else out through, Brian pulled me in and kissed me deeply. Pushing me against the metal door, he plunged his tongue into my mouth, deepening the kiss. My hands automatically started to run up and down Brian’s back, as Brian reached for the hem of my shirt – yanking it from my jeans and pulling it up over my head. “Brian… we … we shouldn’t do this. I don’t know if I can handle it right now,” I said trying to catch my breath. As much as I wanted Brian at that moment, I also knew that I didn’t want to have a mercy fuck either. I wanted to mean something to Brian, and if we fucked now… I knew that I wouldn’t survive, at least I didn’t think I would. Brian kissed me again and all thoughts of why I shouldn’t do this left, as I lost myself in Brian. Reaching up, I wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck, pulling him in closer – deepening the kiss. Brian started to pull me back toward the bedroom, clothes being stripped from our bodies as we made it to the bed. I laid back on the bed as Brian slowly moved his way up my body. With hands and mouth, Brian made sure that no part of my body was left untouched. I woke the next morning and looked at my lover – former lover. God when did this get so fucked up? Slipping out of bed, hoping not to wake Brian, I slipped on my clothes, and headed toward Brian’s desk. I hated to leave like that, but if I didn’t do things this way, I would never get on the plane. Okay so I know that I hadn’t told Deb the truth the other day when I told her I was leaving Friday. The truth was I was leaving on a plane in four hours. The last thing I wanted was a huge deal made out of this, and that was why I had waited until the very last minute to tell them. No matter what anyone thought, I did love everyone there, and I hated that I had brought them all so much pain lately. I was grateful that with the exception of Michael, everyone still treated me the same. I knew that Michael and I would never be friends, but I had secretly hoped that our working relationship would’ve continued. Maybe I would call Michael when I got to Greece, and try and work things out. Working on Rage WAS one of the things that I had enjoyed doing. I wasn’t quite ready to give that up yet. I knew that the note that I had written Brian yesterday wasn’t going to work. So I sat down and began to write a quick note to Brian. I took one last look around the loft, hoping that this final move wouldn’t destroy the chance of Brian being in my life. But it’s a chance I was willing to take, cause the way it stood in that one moment, I wasn’t ready to go back to the way things were either. I had some serious thinking to do about where I wanted my life to be, and what I wanted to be without anyone else involved. Cause I was Justin Taylor first, not one half of Brian and Justin. I am my own person, and I needed to discover myself, and refocus on my art. That’s where I wanted to be. That’s where I hoped I could end up once this study abroad was over. Walking to the door, I slowly opened it. Looking back toward the bedroom, I smiled slightly. “Later, Brian. I’ll always love you,” I whispered closing the door behind me. I left that day… left Brian alone with his life. I went straight toward my mom’s, picked up my luggage, and headed for the airport. I left everything and everyone behind so that I could get on with my life. The moment I arrived in Greece for the first part of this schooling, I knew that I had made the right decision. It seemed as if my life had two modes to it… either my art was good, but my personal life sucked, or my personal life was good, and my art sucked. There were times when they both either sucked or were good, but not often. I knew the moment I got off the plane that this time would be different. I would find out what was important on this trip… I would find where I belonged. Anyway, I remembered drawing for as long as I can remember. I always liked it… no LOVED it. My dad at first was all for it… so proud of my accomplishments. But then it all changed. His view of me changed. He kept pushing me to join sports, to hang out with the guys and NOT Daphne… everything! I think he started to resent me. He thought for a while that it was just me being creative, but then again I know he didn’t like it. He didn’t like that I spent all of my time behind a sketch pad, it was too girly. I think that was why he was pushing so hard for me to go to Dartmouth. He wanted me to be a ‘man’. God, I remember after he had smashed Brian’s jeep, Dad had threatened to send me to military school. He told me that I needed to be a man, know what it was like to be a man. That was the first time I remember him hitting me. God, I wish that was all I remember, that I could go back to being that innocent young man. I remember my first real art show, or as close as I was to get. The one where I sold the drawing of Brian. I almost didn’t do it, bad wouldn’t have if not for Mel and Lindsey. Both of them were all for my art, telling me how good it was. I think that Brian’s reaction was an added plus as well. I never saw the money from the sale, and I didn’t know at the time what had happened to it. I later found out that Brian had been the one to buy it. Imagine my shock when I am cleaning the loft one day, and stumble across it. I never asked him about it, nor had I ever told him that I knew. It’s just one of those little moments that we let ourselves believe something that may or may not be there. It’s just one more secret between Brian and I. So says the way it is with us. So anyway after the Prom, I didn’t know what I was going to do. Without my art, I was lost – I didn’t know what to do, or how to live. Art was my life – there was many times in my life when my art was all I had – the only friend I had. I guess that’s why when Brian got that computer for me, I lost it. He was trying to fix me, when I lost a close friend. I was so mad at how everyone wanted to make everything go away, just fix poor little Justin. Thank god that I realized that Brian wanted me to feel whole and that I didn’t lose my life. Granted when he had gotten jealous about Michael and I a year ago. I would’ve been thrilled that he had been jealous, but in that moment all I saw was hatred. I mean how the hell could he do that? Hw the hell could he treat my art like that? Treat my dream, my life like that? More importantly, how can he treat what it represented US like that? Okay so I may not remember that night, but dammit when he pissed on my work, on THOSE drawings, it sent me a clear message. I just couldn’t understand why he ever let me stay with him if he felt that way. He apologized however, I dropped it… okay so I should’ve pushed the whole thing, I should’ve talked to him… yelled at him, but I didn’t. I’m not sure why, but I left it all alone. That was one of my biggest mistakes in my life. It was that moment when I had serious doubts in us, in his feelings for me. My mistake. I had forgotten how to read him. My mistake. Oh there were other things, and I can’t take the total blame for it all, and neither can he. But I know that what I did and didn’t do sure as hell didn’t help at all. “You’re thinking too much,” my companion stated. I turn to face Brian and give him a small smile. “What’s going through that head of yours,” he asked. He took my hand into his, and just held it. I shrug, and take a deep breath. “Nothing really,” I told him. Immediately I could see the disappointment in his eyes, and I know that he didn’t buy it. “Everything,” I amend. He’s learned a lot about me these past couple of weeks that it’s amazing that he can tell what I’m thinking especially when I don’t want him to. Brian smirks at me, raising his eyebrow. He thinks that it’s funny. “Really? Can you fit it all in there?” Fucker. “Shut-up,” I say shaking my head. “I mean everything… that’s got to be hard to figure out. What is the aerodynamics of flying? Why is the sky blue? Why is cock better than pussy,” he joked. “Fuck off,” I say pushing him playfully. God he can be so infuriating. “Not that, asshole. I guess I’m just trying to figure out how the hell we got here. How the hell I got here, and I can’t even figure out how the hell I survived.” Brian shakes his head and roll his eyes. “Jesus, Justin. Do you really want to get into this now?” I can tell that he’s annoyed, but damn. I don’t know what to say or anything. I swear that we have talked about this whole thing to death in the past couple of weeks… hell months, but I just can’t get it out of my head. “Can’t it wait till we get home?” I shake my head in order to clear my thoughts. He’s right the plane is NOT the place where I… where we need to discuss this. “Yeah… yeah.” “Everything will work out, Justin,” he tells me. I turn away from his to look out the window. I want to believe him, but I know better. Nothing in my life has ever just worked out, and now that I find out that everything that I had lead myself to believe isn’t true… No. Everything is all fucked. I just wish that my life could finally be good… that things would for once go smoothly for me. I guess that’s not meant to be. My life just isn’t supposed to be smooth. “Have you figured out where you’re going to stay? You know my offer’s still there.” I nod, not really sure what to say. “I’ll keep it in mind. But you know where I stand with that, Brian. I can’t just jump back into a relationship with you… I can’t just take a step back. I’ve done enough of that in the past couple of months. I’m tired of moving backwards.” I hold his hand tighter in my own, and turn slightly toward him. “I need to try and take care of myself… to see if I can do it. I need to start to move forward. I need to figure out how to be me.” Brian nodded, agreeing with me. I’m glad that he understands, it makes things so much easier for me. If he didn’t then I don’t know what I would do. I mean, this isn’t easy for me, and we’ve talked this whole fucking mess to death. So with him saying that he understands… well maybe not real happy about it, but he’s willing to give me the space I need. For now that’s enough. He doesn’t like it, but there isn’t anything that we can do about it. The first time that I had talked to Brian after I had gotten in Greece, I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I mean I had left him high and dry, asleep in his bed after a night of sex. I should’ve handled it differently, I know that, but I also know that I wouldn’t be here now if I had. Who knows how things would’ve turned out, if I had just done things differently. I was checking my e-mail, chatting with Daph – gotta love chat programs, when I got another IM. I told Daph that I would talk to her later, and replied to the person on the other side. GGtoGAYPA: Hey. You there? SUNSHIN: Right here… Brian? GGtoGAYPA: yep. So how’s Greece? SUNSHIN: Since when do you have IM? Well besides for all those sexchats? GGtoGAYPA: A while, now answer the fucking question SUNSHIN: It’s okay. School’s already started, so I’m busy as hell. But things are going okay so far. You know how it is. Busy, busy. Trying to learn the language and stuff. That’s a bitch. GGtoGAYPA: I can imagine. What’s the school like? Is it anything like what you looked at on the net? SUNSHIN: yeah, basically. Have a roommate. He’s an ass, but… GGtoGAYPA: ahhh college. SUNSHIN: fuck off. ? GGtoGAYPA: now now, sonnyboy. None of that. SUNSHIN: so… GGtoGAYPA: So. So that’s how it started, the road back to each other. I guess looking back on it now; one would think that I’m crazy for thinking that. That nothing was really said during our first conversation, but I guess for me, it was the first time we ever really talked. Yeah, we had talked while we were living together, but this was the first time I felt like he actually cared, and listened. So as time went on, we began to make it almost a nightly routine… just sitting down chatting with each other about nothing. The entire time that I was talking with Brian, I was trying to get myself together. And for me in order to do that, I had to get back the lost memories of the Prom – or so I thought. I started to see someone who deals with Regression Therapy. I was lucky that there was someone attached to the school, and I knew that I had to do this. Not for Brian, or anyone else… but for me. I wanted to remember. I NEEDED to remember. I hated the fact that all I could remember was the actual bashing… and even that was sketchy at best. So I went. I never told Brian about it, or anyone for that matter. I knew that if they had any idea they would tell me to come home… that I needed to be home if I wanted to do this. They had to be there for me. The thing is… when I was ready to talk about, when I wanted to talk about it, they didn’t. So what was I going to do? Mark is a great guy. He’s funny, smart, sexy… and unfortunately straight. During our first couple of meetings we went over what I actually remember, what I had heard happened… who we could talk to in order to verify the information – everything that needed to be done in order to ensure my safety. Mark explained that this type of therapy had gotten a lot of slack lately because people felt that the therapist put things in someone’s head. He wanted to ensure that what I remembered if anything – since there were no guarantees – were my own memories. Once it started however, it was nothing like I thought it would be. It seemed that once we opened the door in my mind – everything started to open up for me. I wouldn’t get full clips of an event, more like just a snapshot, a picture. Sometimes, I would have the feelings with it… it was strange. But the thing was I also started to get pictures of something from LONG before the Prom. Something that I didn’t want to believe. Mark says that when something traumatic happens when you are little, the mind blocks it out. We had opened the door, and my mind felt that I was ready to deal with the images that I was getting. So not only did I have to deal with the shit that I was remembering about those days leading up to and after the Prom, but I now had to try and deal with the fact that my own father… Fuck! Even now, it’s hard to even think about. No child… no person wants to think that they may have been violated… but it’s almost unimaginable to think that they were violated by their own father. I think, no I know, that after the memories started to surface, I sort of shut down. I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with them. My art took a drastic turn, now they were much darker. My instructors were worried, but they all agreed that it was still good work, but the actual content of the pieces were frightening to them. Hell they scared the shit out of me. If one knew what I was going through, they could see the transition… see what I remembered. If it was something dealing with the Prom, and my time with Brian – totally excluding the bashing that is – it was beautiful colors. You could feel the love in them. However, if it dealt with the bashing, my hospital stay… or my childhood – the pictures took a much darker tone. Dark colors, haunting images of confinement, punishment, pain. I guess one could say that some of my best art came from these memories. Who knows anymore, all I know is that I was scared. I felt betrayed, angry. I kept thinking, wondering if my mom knew. I wondered if he did the same thing to Molly. Could I get out of this whole ordeal with my mind intact? I felt like I was drowning. This time there was no one there to catch me, to help me. So I had to rely on myself. I know that because of it I’m stronger. I know who I am, what I am. I know that I can get through anything now. Yeah, my outlook on life has changed drastically… but I also think that I can eventually get on with my life. I know that now. I know that I don’t NEED anyone to make me better – to fix me. I only need myself. Now that’s not saying that I want that… no, quite the opposite actually. I want someone there to take some of the pain away, in essence to fix me… but I know that I don’t NEED it. I know that Brian was starting to get curious about what was going on, why I was so aloof, but I knew I couldn’t tell him. Not yet, anyway. I first wanted to figure out for myself how I could deal with it. What I was remembering changed how I saw everything and everyone around me. How I viewed my life up to that point, and what I saw for myself in the future. I honestly didn’t know if I ever wanted anyone to ever touch me again. Not my body, and sure as hell not my heart. I wanted to be separate from everything. So my conversations with Brian would be different. I would try and stay away from anything dealing with what I was actually feeling, what I was going through. I tried to stay on other things, like school, friends, things from home. I tried to concentrate on what was going on with my adopted family, not my real one. Two months after I got to Greece, I had in reality stopped contacting my mom. I couldn’t deal with it anymore, I didn’t want to deal with her. I didn’t think I could deal with the fact that she had lied to me… that she might have known all this time, and never did anything to stop him. So for months, Brian and I talked about… well almost everything. I like to think that we were growing closer. We were finally becoming friends, something that we never had before. I just knew that once I saw him again, things would be alright. We were growing. Then I didn’t hear from him for days. I was so scared… wondering if he was hurt, or hell even killed. I mean I know Brian. He never really takes care of himself. Finally, I figure that the only way that I’ll be able to get some answers is to break down and call. I knew I wasn’t ready to hear his voice… that if we talked then he would hear in my voice that something was wrong, but I had to know he was alright. Waiting for someone to pick up seemed like it was the longest time in my life. “Hello,” I hear the voice on the other end say. I take a deep breathe and let it out slowly. I really didn’t want to talk to this person, but I knew if I was going to reach Brian I would have to suck it up. “Michael? It’s Justin, is Brian there?” “What the fuck are you doing calling?” I cringe slightly, pissed that he would try and cop an attitude with me. I mean HE was the one who betrayed me. If Brian isn’t too pissed about it, then why should Michael be? “Is he there or not?” “Listen you little shit, Brian doesn’t want anything to do with you. Haven’t you caught on yet? He wants you to leave him alone.” Okay, now I know I should’ve called him a liar. Tell him he was wrong, but you’ve got to understand something. Here I was, alone in a foreign country, away from everyone. I’ve been having these problems with the memories, and fuck… I hadn’t heard from Brian in a week. So tell me if I wasn’t actually believing him. Stupid I know, but I did. “Just stay out of our lives, and stay out of Brian’s. Don’t call him again.” After Michael hung up, I could only stare at the phone in my hand. I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. Which I think was the worst thing for me to do. For the next couple of days, I tried my hardest to NOT think about Brian, and what Michael had said. It wasn’t easy, especially since all I had going through my mind the entire time I hadn’t heard from him was the Prom. Well with a few more glimpses of my dad, but I wanted to focus on the good times, the best time. Imagine my surprise however when Rachel came to my room and told me that there was a call for me downstairs. I had them transfer it to another phone and I picked it up. The only thing that was going through my mind was that something bad happened at home. I had specifically told mom that this number was for emergencies only. “Hello,” I begin, silently praying that everything was alright. “Hey, bout time I caught you,” Brian’s voice came across. “Is everything alright? Gus? Mom,” I asked thinking that it had to have been the only reason why he would be calling. If it was anyone else, mom would’ve called. I mean I knew Brian wouldn’t call just to shoot the shit. He wanted nothing to do with me, right? “Everyone’s fine, Justin. What’s up with you,” he asked me. Okay…. So that just slightly pissed me off. He calls after now TWO weeks of NOT talking to me, to wanting to know what I was doing? What the fuck?! I was Pissed… no more than pissed, I was fucking furious. “What the fuck do you care,” I ask him back. Now, just keep in mind here, all the shit that I have been going through, and then Michael’s comment … To say that I wasn’t in a mood for some little game would be an understatement. “If everyone’s alright, then I will let you get back to whatever… whoever you’re doing. I wouldn’t want to be accused of making you do something that you didn’t want to do… to make you feel like you actually give a fuck what is going on in my life.” I was about ready to hang up when I heard his reply. “What the fuck are you talking about? What the hell is up with you?” Brian sounded angry, and I can tell you it wasn’t good. See the thing with Brian and I is, when one of us is angry, we have a tendency to get the other one angry… so we fuel each other’s anger. It becomes ugly… really fucking ugly. We both have a temper, and both are stubborn as hell, so to try and get one of us to stay calm is an impossible task. I of course, just bust out laughing. It was ridiculous. Totally and absolutely ridiculous. “I don’t hear from you for two fucking weeks, I call and Michael tells me what the fuck you can’t. Excuse me if I’m just a little upset, Brian. I thought that you would be able to tell me that you didn’t want to be friends. I thought that we had started to become friends, and now I find out that it was all a big fat fucking lie? Nothing for TWO FUCKING WEEKS, Brian!” I hear Brian take a deep breath on the other side, and I know he’s trying to calm himself. Yeah, like that would ever happen. “Listen, Justin. I don’t know what the fuck Mikey told you, but it’s not true. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks, and I thought we could have a civilized conversation. Excuse me for being wrong. Mikey doesn’t know shit, and if you think that I am not trying here, then you can take your attitude and shove it.” “Yeah, right. So what should I believe, Brian? I mean I’m sorry you’ve had a bad week, but you could’ve dropped me a quick little note or something saying ‘hey, bad week, talk to you soon’. Something. Instead I get Michael.” “What did he say,” Brian asked softly. “Nothing that isn’t true,” I tell him. I sounded a little weak when I said it, and I bite my lip in order to wake myself up. “Justin,” he scolded. “Fine. Jesus! He told me that I should just leave you all alone, stay away from all of you.” So I was leaving the rest of it out, but I guess I didn’t want him to think that the main reason why I was so pissed is cause he had said that Brian didn’t want me. I have tried not to think about what those words had done to me, what they had made me feel. But it is hard. It’s hard to sit here and admit to myself, even now, that I want to be with Brian… that I still love him, and always will. I don’t want to rely on anyone anymore, but I know I can’t fool myself into thinking that I can get Brian out of my head and heart. “You know that it’s bullshit. Justin… Mikey…You know that it’s not true. If I didn’t want to talk to you, I would tell you.” He informs me. His voice is soft and quiet, and it makes me want to just give in and do whatever he wants me to do. “So what was so wrong that you couldn’t say anything to me? Why haven’t I heard from you,” I ask. God, I hate how I can sound so desperate when I’m talking to him. I just hate it. No matter how many times I tell myself that I am stronger than this… that I don’t need him, I turn around and just take two steps back. I act like that damn 17-year-old kid who needs his approval, and his attention. Dammit, I’m not that kid anymore. I hear Brian take a deep breath, and I just know that whatever it is – whatever had happened is big. “I was fired,” he said simply. Okay, now that was the LAST thing that I had ever thought he would’ve said. It wasn’t big it was fucking Earth Shattering. How the Hell could this happen? Brian lost his job? I was so floored. “What,” I ask, just totally dumbfounded. “I… was…fired,” he slowly states. God I hate it when he treats me like a child. Alright… now just keep in mind, I wasn’t really in my OWN right frame of mind. Everything for me was just totally messed up, and now to hear – mind you AFTER two weeks – that he had lost his job, actually pissed me off. I felt like everything just began to spin out of control. I couldn’t – wouldn’t – believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. “That’s totally fucked up… what the hell was their reason? They can’t do that, you’re a partner for crying out loud. They can’t just fire you.” “Well they did.” “So what the fuck are you going to do,” I ask. He seems so calm while I’m here having a nervous breakdown. “Don’t worry, everything’s fine. I just started a new job, and things are looking up – as much as the can anyway. So that’s where I’ve been for the past two weeks,” he says as an explanation. Okay, now here is where I should have just left things. Really, I should’ve just left everything the way it was, and just said that I was happy for him. Just kept my big mouth shut and just said ‘that’s good Brian’. But did I… no. I swear one of these days my big mouth is going to get me in real trouble and nothing will be able to help me. But as I said… instead of being quiet, I stepped straight into quicksand. “So you decided to NOT tell me this… you just decided that I wasn’t important enough to know that you lost your job? Everyone else knows, but hey Justin doesn’t need to know. Well fuck you Brian. Friends tell each other shit like this.” “There is nothing you could’ve done, and besides you have enough that you have to worry about. I handled it. Nothing for you to worry about,” he informed me. I could hear the irritation in his voice, and it only served to piss me off more. “It doesn’t matter Brian. Friends tell each other stuff. Evidentially I don’t matter… what I think or feel means nothing to you. I could’ve done something Brian, even if it was only to listen. But no…” “And what the hell could you have done? Huh? Blackmail Vance like you did Kip?” Quicksand… and I was fucking sinking fast. Fuck! Brian seemed all calm, but I could just hear the anger starting to slip through… just barely contained. Fuck! One of the things that I never wanted him to know about… and he has to bring it up. I can tell you that at that moment I was never happier about being thousands of miles away. Briefly I start to entertain the thought of staying in Europe – I don’t know maybe for the rest of my life! All I knew was that I was soooo dead. “You don’t honestly think I wouldn’t find out did you? I knew right after it happened, and I just let it go. But Justin, trust me on this… I have not forgotten. In this instance, there would’ve been nothing you could’ve done. So you tell me why I didn’t tell you?” I knew now… at least I had a feeling as to why he didn’t tell me. It of course didn’t make me feel better. I mean it’s not like I could just hope on a plane and try to seduce Vance, and make him give Brian’s job back to him. I am not that good! But I also knew that there was nothing that I could say in my defense. I know… deep down I know that I would do anything to protect Brian. I would do what I had to do in order to keep him safe. Unfortunately he knows that too. Luckily, we sort of left things there. Yeah, I mean, it’s not over… he still feels he ‘owes’ me for that little thing, but I think we both agreed that neither one of us would win that argument. We both knew that if I hadn’t done that, then Brian very well could’ve lost his job. Well lost it long before now… but I also know that Brian’s still pissed about it. It was stupid of me, and I could’ve been really hurt. So we just pushed it aside and just left it there. We’ll talk about it again, I’m sure. But for now… I’m safe from punishment. Thank god. So we just continued on the same way we had since I had gotten to Europe. There were times now that we talked on the phone… but I was still cautious. I still knew that Brian, out of everyone, knew me the best and he would hear if something was wrong. So I had planned my talks to him on the phone for good days only. If I had a bad night… or day, I would just drop him a quick e-mail or IM saying that I’m really busy with a project or something and I couldn’t talk long. It worked good too. He never realized that something else was going on. That was until I got to Italy for the second phase of the program. The shit started to ignore my ‘I can’t talk long’ messages. The gig was up… D day has come. What I had to figure out next was what to tell him. What could I tell him that wasn’t exactly a lie… but then again not exactly the truth either? So I went with plan C. I stopped talking to him all together. I should’ve known that wouldn’t have worked either. We’re hours away from the States, and I just can’t keep my mind off of all this shit long enough to sleep. I look over at Brian and see that luckily he doesn’t have the same problem I do. I wish to God that I can just quiet my mind long enough to get a couple of hours sleep before I have to decide what I’m going to do. I still don’t know that. Hell I don’t even know where I’m going to stay. Yeah, I know I had told Brian that I couldn’t stay with him, and that’s all I know. Where I’ll live, is completely up in the air. I close my eyes and lean my head against the window. I just wish I knew where my life was going. I had started this whole thing hoping to get my life in order, to find myself. I did find myself. I know who I am – I do. I just wish I could’ve gotten my life in order. No, instead of doing that, I completely fucked it all up. I am more confused about where I am heading, and what I want to do than I was before. I found myself to be one fucked up person. So that’s not really what I wanted to discover about myself, but I won’t lie to myself either. I can’t do that – I won’t do that. God, Brian… I really don’t know where I would be without him. My big plan to just ignore him, just push him out of my life was a complete joke. I tried. I really did. Unfortunately I forgot one important thing. No one makes Brian Kinney do something he doesn’t want to do. And he was hell bent on making US work. Who would’ve thought that Brian would be the one fighting for us? Not me that’s for sure. Oh I’m sure that anger was a big part of it. I know he was pissed that I had just completely shut him out. I know he was, and I have already gotten hell for that one. Everyday I would have at least twenty e-mails from him… my voice mail was full of messages. I refused to even open up my chat program, and whenever anyone came to get me for a phone call, I just told them I was busy. I had hoped he would get the hint that he wouldn’t bother. I mean, I had believed that he didn’t care THAT much for me. Yeah, I was sure he wanted to be friends… but to care enough to basically hunt me down? Never. God! That was … is something I think I will take to heart next time I try to blow him off. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Never have an angry Brian Kinney come after you. I mean come on… Brian always told me – told everyone – never chase after anyone. Never follow anyone. That was one of his mottos. Fuck! So imagine my surprise when I got back from a tour in Florence to see him sitting on my bed. I had never been afraid of Brian until that moment. Seeing him sitting there, waiting for me – to say that I was terrified would be a complete understatement. I wasn’t sure what he wanted, what he would say… hell even why he was there. All I knew was from the look on his face; I knew that I was in deep shit trouble. I had walked into my room after a trip into town for the supplies I needed, when I spotted him sitting right there on my fucking bed. I had to shake my head a couple of times wondering if it was just a dream, or something. There he was, just sitting there… and dammit all if he wasn’t looking through one of my sketchbooks. So anyway, to make a long story short – I was pissed. I was pissed that he had showed up, pissed that I evidently hadn’t done a good enough job trying to keep him away, and pissed that he had invaded my privacy by looking in my sketchbook. I lost it. Just totally lost it. “What the hell are you doing here?” Brian looked up briefly from the book in his hand, just looking at me. “So where the fuck have you been for the past month, Justin? I mean you get pissed off at me cause I don’t talk to you for two weeks… You’re one to fucking talk.” “Just answer the question,” I say as I walk over to him and rip the book out of his hand. “And what gives you the fucking right to go and look through my personal stuff? You have no right to just barge in here, and … and look through my things. That’s called invasion of privacy, Brian. You have no right.” Brian just leaned back on the bed, which of course pissed me off more. I mean, I had tried – fucking tried real hard to keep him out of my messed up life. I tried to keep him as far away from me as possible. So what does he do. He comes all the way to Italy and is sitting on my bed like nothing is wrong. But everything is wrong, my whole LIFE was wrong. “Answer my question, and then maybe I’ll answer yours,” he calmly stated. How he could just lay there being completely calm is beyond me. I mean I was totally losing it. “Well I’m sorry, but I didn’t think that I had to be at your beck and call. I have school, Brian. That means I have tours that I have to go on, work that I have to do. I’ve been busy, trying to get the best damn education I can out of this school. What the fuck do you care anyway,” I yell as I make my way over to the window. I had tried so hard to keep all of my mess away from him. I had tried hard so that he wouldn’t hear the pain in my voice, and know that something was wrong. I hated that I was getting pissed at him… I mean it’s not like it was HIS fault that my dad is… was a child molester, but damn. I had already put Brian though hell, and I didn’t want to add to it. He has already helped me out, and now, I’m fucking stuck. He’s here. Hell he flew all this way to see me. I might have been able to hide on the phone or in the chat rooms, but with him here, I know that I can’t hide. I’m stuck. “So that kept you for the past month from saying anything. No time to stop at an internet café and say hi?” The fact that he uses my own words, basically anyway – against me pissed me off more. I just turned to look at him briefly, then just turn back to look out the window. I am not mentally ready for this. “What type of fool do you think I am, Justin? Do you really think that I would just let you destroy this? Well fuck you.” I felt Brian stand behind me, and I tried not to flinch or move away from him. If I did that then he would know that something was wrong. “Want to tell me what those pictures are about?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s a project for one of my classes, nothing more. Nothing that is really anything,” I tell him, praying that he would just leave it alone. I know which pictures he’s talking about. I know. I had many drawings of a lone child, sitting up in bed, arms wrapped around his legs. His eyes scared, wild, as a shadow would pass over him. The pictures were almost always the same – some had more to it, others less. But the ideas and the principles were all the same. Fuck, how did this get so blown out of proportion? I didn’t want him to know, but yet that small part of me… the part that wants someone to take care of me is thrilled that my secret is out. “A project huh,” he asked me. I can tell that he doesn’t believe a word that I was saying. “What the fuck is going on Justin?” “I don’t owe you anything, Brian. You can’t just come all this way and invade my privacy… and demand some sort of explanation. Nothing is wrong, okay. I’ve been busy with school, trying to get my fucking life in some order,” I tell him. Okay, I know that I am making no sense at all, and that frankly, I’m only making his case against me stronger. He knows that I’m lying and here I am just proving him right. I just looked at him, shook my head and walked out of the room. I had to get away from him. That’s all I knew – I just couldn’t stand there and prove to him that I’m nothing more than a lying sack of shit, just like Michael is claiming I am. Brian grabs a hold of my arm and turns me to face him. “Don’t you fucking walk away from me,” he hissed. I look around us and see that all the other students were coming in and they were all beginning to take interest in what was going on. I was pissed, and the last thing I needed was to have people start adding this to my list of faults. I had a hard enough time here, with everything. All the other students – well most – treated me differently. The fact that I was bashed had been discovered, and some of the other students had started to treat me differently – like I would break. Then what I draw scares others. I just can’t win half of the time, and I don’t really want to add to the awkwardness anymore. “Can we not do this here,” I quietly say to him. I know that he saw the slightly panic look in my eye, and so he grabbed my hand and lead me out of the building. I don’t even know how long or far we had walked, but we stopped at the small beach down from the school. “Now, you want to tell me what the hell is going on? And don’t tell me nothing, cause I know you’re lying.” I pull away from him and move closer to the water. I know that I can’t tell him everything, I can’t, but I have to decide what I do want to – no have to tell him. God I hate this. “What do want me to say, Brian? What is it you’re looking for?” I try hard not to let the exhaustion show in my voice; I don’t want to alarm him. Yeah, like I did a good job at that since he came all this way trying to find out what I have been doing. If I didn’t feel guilty before I sure as hell do now. I know he has just started a new job, and because I was stupid and didn’t call him, even try to contact him, he takes the time off of work to come all the way over here… not to mention the money that he had to spend on a ticket and hotel. Fuck! I always have this habit of fucking things up, and I know that I can’t stop the guilt. “I’m looking for the fucking truth, Justin,” he says as he moves to sit down in the sand next to where I’m standing. “What the hell is going on? This isn’t like you. You don’t call me after I had been silent for two weeks, yelling that I haven’t called then turn around and do the same damn thing. I think you own me an explanation, don’t you?” “It isn’t easy for me, Brian. It hasn’t been easy for me,” I try to explain. “Try.” I wrap my arms around me and just continue to stand there looking out at the ocean beyond. I can see the light reflecting off of the waves as they move toward the shore, and I wonder if I can find the strength to get through this. It hasn’t been easy for me since I got here. There is no doubt about that. “Things haven’t been easy for me for a long time. I don’t think that I have ever really healed from the … from the Prom,” I tell him. I don’t have to look at him to know that suddenly he’s uncomfortable. “We never talked about it… no one wanted to talk about it. So I just did what everyone wanted me to do, and didn’t talk about it. I pushed it away, and refused to even think about it. I found out that I couldn’t though. It wouldn’t go away. That night, at the Rage Party… God I felt like everything just exploded. I couldn’t breathe.” I shake my head wanting to make sure that I had my thoughts in order. I couldn’t lose it now… I wanted to make sure that everything was clear. The last thing I wanted was for Brian to blame himself, even though I know he would. I started to battle within myself on whether or not I should tell him that I had wanted to stop the whole charade with Ethan, but didn’t when I saw him in the backroom. Should I tell him that once again when I needed him he wasn’t there? I mean it’s not entirely true. Brian had done so much for me, had been there so many times for me, but when I really needed him… needed him to make me better, he wouldn’t be there. Whether it was physical or emotional, it didn’t really matter. I decide against mentioning it, and just took a deep breath. “I know that the whole idea of doing the bashing was my idea, and I felt okay with it. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to get MY story out. I guess seeing it, live and in living color, being played out right in front of me – people cheering… I guess I lost it.” I don’t even let him talk at all during this… and I know there have been times he has wanted to stop me from saying anything, but I just won’t let him. The way I see it… he didn’t want to talk about it when I needed to, so dammit, he’s going to sit there and listen. I know that I shouldn’t be cruel, but I am tired of doing what everyone else wants me to do. I, for once, want to do something for me. I have to do this for me, and I think I have a right to try and get some sort of closure on at least one thing in my life. I can’t get closure on my other problem, but this is something I can control. Something I need to get control over. “I realized when I got here, what the main problem was. It wasn’t the bashing really that I had a problem with. I mean I did… but there was so much more to it than that. It was the fact that I am missing days of my life. I didn’t remember Emmett helping me get ready. I didn’t remember the party for Michael. I didn’t remember asking Daphne to the Prom. I didn’t remember the dance. I guess that I just couldn’t handle not remembering anymore. I wanted those missing days back. I wanted something besides those brief images I did have of Hobbs… of the attack,” I tell him. I can feel the emotions start to rise up within me, and I hate myself for being weak. I hate that I can’t seem to control the panic, the pain that I feel every time that I close my eyes. When I think of the prom – all I can hear is Brian calling my name, and seeing the bat coming toward me. The best night of my life, and I don’t remember a damn thing of it. It was then that I did turn toward him. I looked down at him and smiled slightly hoping to let him know that I don’t blame him. No matter how mad I am at everyone for trying to ignore it, for trying to forget that it ever happened, I don’t blame him for what happened. It wasn’t Brian’s fault, it was mine. I don’t ever want him to blame himself for this ever again. “So when I got here, I went a head and started to see someone for Regression Therapy.” “Why didn’t you tell us,” Brian asked. He sounds pissed, and I try to keep calm. I know that everyone back at home would be pissed for me doing this. I mean that’s why I didn’t tell anyone. “Cause I knew that you wouldn’t like it. And it wasn’t just you… I knew that no one would like it. I knew that if I mentioned it, everyone would tell me not to do it. To wait until I came home so that they could be there for me,” I laugh slightly. Just stating what I knew they would say pissed me off more. “I am tired of doing what everyone wants me to do. I think that it’s time for me to standup and take control of my life. If I had told anyone, by the time I got back home, they would’ve tried to talk me out of it.” “You don’t know that. This is something that you shouldn’t go through alone,” Brian argued. “That’s bullshit and you know it,” I yelled. “No one wanted to talk about it… who are you to say that it would be any different? If they didn’t want to talk about it then, they sure as hell won’t want to talk about it now. You can’t tell me that I’m wrong, Brian. Nothing you say will make me change my mind. This is my life… not yours, not my moms, not anyone else’s. It’s mine. I need those memories. This is something that I need to do, and not for anyone else but for myself. I think I’m old enough to decide if I want to have those memories back. No one has ever been through something like this. No one. So who are you guys to say what I can or can’t do… what I feel or don’t feel?” I turn again and wrap my arms tighter around my body. “I know that you were a victim of that whole thing as well, and I know that you have been hurt by it too. But the thing is no one knows what’s it’s like to have your life change this way … no one has had a part of their life taken from them. I’m not missing a couple of hours cause I was so stoned or drunk that I blacked out. I’m missing days cause of some fucking asshole, and a baseball bat. I figured that this way, I can get back some of those memories back. Maybe get my life in order so I can figure out who I am. So that I can be my own person.” I sat down next to Brian and continued to just look out at the ocean. “Since I was kick out of my parents’ house, I have been moved from place to place. I’ve always had someone else looking out for me. Someone else to take care of me. I don’t know who I am anymore? What Chris Hobbs did… it changed me. It changed the way I looked at the world. Nothing can fix that… nothing will ever be able to let me see the world the same way I did when I was seventeen. I’ll never have that back. Bellwether was right in that I have lost my innocence, but he was wrong in saying that you took it from me. I was as much to blame – no more to blame for it than anyone. I was the one who had brought it all on myself. Nothing anyone says will ever make me think otherwise. I know what I did wrong, and I live with it.” I see that Brian is about to interrupt, and I know almost exactly what he is going to say, so I decide that I will put that whole little thing to an end. “Listen, Brian. We will never agree on who’s fault it is, okay. You blame yourself, I blame myself, and I KNOW who’s fault it really is,” I say with a small smile. “In fact I have sort of came to a solid conclusion about that while I’ve been here. Wanna hear?” Brian looks at me like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and most likely I have. “What’s this brilliant revelation?” I can hear the sarcasm in his voice, and I just shake my head and turn away. “Alright, damn. What have you concluded, Justin,” he says a little nicer. God I love it when I can get him to do things at times. I turn so that I can look him in the eye, and shrug slightly. “It’s simple really. First off I’m to partly blame cause what everything that lead up to it. If I hadn’t jerked him off, outted him out in front of his friends, got into a fight with him in the locker room… the list goes on and on. You don’t know half of the shit that I went thought with Hobbs in High School. You only know parts of it. I never told anyone all of it – not even Daphne. So I know that what I did, well it sure as hell didn’t help. You coming to the Prom didn’t do a thing, Brian. Hobbs wasn’t on the baseball team, he never played baseball in his life, and I know cause I’ve known him almost all my life. He had that in his car for a reason, and if you hadn’t been there, I would’ve died that day. I have no doubt in my mind. Chris Hobbs wanted to kill me, he wanted to deny what he felt when I jerked him off. He hated me, and he wanted me out of his life. So he did what he thought would do that. The person, or persons really, to blame are Chris Hobbs, his family, and the staff at St. James. Not you, and not me.” “You sound so sure of that. How do you know, how can you be sure that my showing up didn’t … didn’t cause it,” he asked. I know that this whole thing has torn him up inside since that night. I understand it… I do in a way. But I’m not going to let him take the blame for something that wasn’t his fault. “Cause I know, Brian. I told you why I know that to be a fact. You didn’t know everything, and I didn’t want you to know everything. You being there didn’t cause it… you being there saved my life,” I tell him as I reach for his hand, and hold it in mine. Brian leaned his head back, and I watched as his hand moved up and pinched the bridge of his nose. He obviously has a headache, and all this talk about something that clearly no one wanted to talk about isn’t helping matters for him. Well that and the fact that he most likely just flew in so jetlag must be killing him. “You’re right,” he began. Turning to look at me, I know that he’s not agreeing to what I want him to, but I agree to hear him out… well I think I do anyway. “We won’t be able to agree on that.” I close my eyes, hating that it’s come to this. I know what it means, even if he doesn’t. “Brian,” I begin, not wanting to really restate everything I have been saying for the past fucking hour. “The thing is, you have to believe that it wasn’t your fault. You have to or this… whatever it is that we’re… we’re in won’t work. I won’t be a charity case anymore. I won’t be with anyone… friend or lover out of guilt. I have enough of that myself that I can’t deal with anyone else trying to be with me because of it. That’s the truth. That’s the way it’s going to be.” When he didn’t say anything I just shook my head and stood up. Shaking off the sand from my pants, I take a deep breath. “I’m glad that you came, Brian. It was good to see you. But you know how I’m needing things to be. Think about it. Whether we’re friends or lovers, it has to be because it’s what we both want. It has to be because of something besides guilt. I won’t deal with that anymore. I’m tired.” I left him there that night, sitting on the beach in Italy. I said what I had to say, what I wanted, and needed to say. Now it was up to him to decide if he was willing to let go of all of that. I know for a fact that he blames himself for more than just the bashing. I know that, and I wasn’t lying when I say that I wasn’t going to deal with it anymore. If I was ever going to tell him about what I was remembering about the Prom, or about anything else that I was remembering I needed a true friend. I needed someone who wouldn’t blame themselves for the things that happened in my life. I needed for once something real. Something that I could really hang on to. Something that would keep me warm at night, and chase away the bad dreams. Someone who I could call when things got too much to handle and I needed to hear a voice of reason. I needed that for once in my life. And I was going to work hard to get just that. I think I deserve it. I only hoped that Brian was willing to give it a chance, cause I knew that if he said he couldn’t then from this moment on I would never see or talk to him again. It was time to start looking out for myself. It was time to do things and ask for things that I wanted – not what I knew would get me just a fraction of what I wanted. No I think I deserved a break. Just once. I deserved to be treated as an equal, and as someone who was worthy of their love and friendship. Not as some damaged person who needed to always be protected. I only hoped that Brian would agree, cause I knew that losing him would be the hardest thing to ever overcome. Looking down at my watch, I see that we still have hours before we land back in the states. Of course from there we still have to catch the plane back to the Pitts, but that’s still hours away. I wish to god that I could get some sleep, but just like almost everything else in my life, it’s out of my reach. Thinking back on that day months ago, I can’t help but wonder how Brian and I got here. I had told him how things were going to be… how I wanted things to be, how I needed them to be. I knew that he would need time to think it over. I never expected him to just run right into my arms and say that he was willing to give me what I need. That’s just not Brian. No. He had so much guilt over what had happened at the Prom, that it wouldn’t just go away in one night… hell it wouldn’t just go away in a couple of days. I got up the next day, headed to class, and just couldn’t keep my mind on what the hell I was supposed to be doing. Nothing seemed to sink into my brain. You know what they say ‘in one ear and out the other’ – well that’s what I felt was happening. Nothing seemed to want to stick. So I sat there and just mindlessly took notes. As long as I get the important stuff down on paper, I can look it over again before any test, when my mind is with me again that is. Of course I hate to see what exactly I’m writing. I could only hope that they would all make some sense to me when the time came. Thankfully, I’m good at taking tests. When I got out of class, I headed over to Mark’s office. I didn’t sleep a wink at all last night, cause all I could see was my father, Hobbs, and hell even Brian. All the things that have gone wrong in my life seemed to haunt me, and I couldn’t get them out. I wanted just one night to where I could sleep uninterrupted. One night where I didn’t have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat, unable to breathe. I don’t really know if I’ll ever be able to have that again. “Justin, how have you been,” he asked me as soon as I took the seat in front of him. Mark’s office was small, but comfortable. I look down at my hands, wondering how the hell I was going to even explain what I’ve been feeling. Seeing Brian the day before, almost killed me. Not literally, but I felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest. “Brian’s here, in Italy. He came by my room yesterday.” “This is the same Brian that was at the Prom with you,” Mark asked. I can only nod, my throat suddenly unable to work. I know what he’s going to ask, and I don’t know if it would be possible. I really don’t. “Do you think that he’d be able to come here, talk to me? I think it could help us with trying to decide what’s real, and what’s not.” I know he’s right, I just don’t know if it’s a good thing. “Brian doesn’t ever want to talk about it. He blames himself for what happened, and trying to get him to say anything about it, to open up about it… well let’s just say that it would be easier to hike across Antarctica.” “Justin,” Mark begins, and I can only sense dread. “I think he could help. I think we have covered everything that your friend Daphne knows. Brian’s the only other person who can really answer the questions that we’re having right now. He’s the only other person who might know.” He’s so sure that talking to Brian will help, but in all honesty, I’m not so sure that it will. Yeah, Brian will – I know – do anything that he can to help me. He’s always been like that. The only problem is… what will it do to him? It may help me, but I guess I’m afraid of what it will do to him. The things that I’m remembering, or might be remembering will only tear him up inside. I know that. I don’t want to cause him pain. I have NEVER wanted to cause him pain. Brian has had enough shit in his life that he doesn’t need me to add to it. No. I don’t know if I could ask him to do that. So anyway, after the appointment with Mark, I headed back to my room. I wasn’t sure if Brian was still around or not, or if he even wanted to continue as we had been. I didn’t really know much of anything at that moment. As I walked toward the door I spot an envelop taped to the door. Immediately I recognize Brian’s handwriting, and I close my eyes. I don’t know if I’m ready for this stuff… ready for him to shoot me down. Stepping into my room, I sit down on the bed, and open the letter. Justin – Yesterday was not what I had expected when I came here. Let me tell you that now. I was so worried about you that I wasn’t sure what was going on. I guess the thought that you are trying to remember that night… Hell I don’t know what to think about that. I remember it all, Justin, and I’m not sure I want you to remember it all. I don’t think that you’re prepared to handle it. Are you? Are you sure that you’re ready to remember the entire attack? Yeah, you can tell me that you want to remember the ‘good’ things, but have you realized that you will also remember the bad as well? I don’t think you do. You told me that you wanted me to forgive myself, that I wasn’t to blame for it. I don’t know if I can. No matter what anyone says I know what I know. I froze… I could’ve done something, moved faster, but I didn’t. I saw Hobbs in the mirror, and I froze. How can I not blame myself? You said you didn’t want to be a charity case. Where the fuck did you get that? You have never been a charity case, nor have you ever been easy. I don’t know where we have been heading, but you are NOT a charity case. You know how I feel about you. At least you should. I told you a couple of months ago that if we were together it was because we wanted to be, not because there are locks on the door. Where the fuck do you get that I was doing something that I didn’t want to do? Who the fuck are you to tell me that I didn’t want to be with you? Let me tell you this… fuck you. If you don’t know then maybe this isn’t worth it. I don’t have the energy to deal with this shit. You know who I am.. what I am. You know how I feel about you. Don’t tell me you don’t. What have we been doing these past couple of months that made you even think that I felt sorry for you, or that I thought you were a charity case? What the hell is going through your mind? I wanted to say this shit to your face, but I knew that the way things are now… the way I’m feeling right now – nothing would get accomplished. Something is wrong with you, and it’s more than trying to remember the prom. If you can’t trust me enough to tell me, to let me help you through it… then we should just walk the fuck away. I’m not ready to let you walk completely out of my life, don’t get me wrong. I don’t have much of a ‘family’ but you’re a part of it, no matter what. I do know that I want you in my life. I want you there beside me. Whether it’s as a friend or more, I don’t know. I don’t know what love is, Justin… you knew that from the start. I’m not ready to change for anyone. I thought that you understood that I was willing to work on it, but I guess you didn’t. I’m going to be in town for a couple more days or so. Give me a day at least to think about this shit. Then if you want to talk, call me on my cell. The move is yours Justin. Brian I try not to laugh, cause in reality it’s really not funny at all. But in a way it is. Brian and I have been doing this dance for a long time now. Each of us is guilty of trying to force the other’s hand. Why can’t things just be simple? That’s easy… it’s Brian and I. Nothing with either of us is simple. So now… after I had thrown the ball in his court, he throws it right back to me. He says it’s my move. All I had to figure out was if I really wanted to. I had made myself clear on what I wanted, what I needed. I’m not ready to just jump into anything with him if I can’t have what I need. If he couldn’t forgive himself, then there was no point. But then again, he’s right in a way. We were together because we wanted to… but the thing was, there was always that underlying feeling of guilt. Me… I was guilty of thinking that he didn’t give a dam. He was guilty of a lot, but mostly – and the one that I’m going to focus on first – is that he won’t forgive himself. Even when he didn’t say anything, and even when things were at their best between us, I always knew. I always knew that if Hobbs hadn’t done what he did, then Brian and I wouldn’t have gotten together. If Brian hadn’t been there to witness it, and if he didn’t feel guilty about it, then we never would’ve been together like we were. Guilt was the reason that we were together. If it became more, I don’t really know. I really don’t. I can tell that he’s willing to try, if he wasn’t then there would be no letter. He would’ve just left me hanging. I know that much. So what was a man to do? So for the next day or so, I just threw myself in my school – in my art. I don’t know really if I can face Brian. I know deep in my heart that we NEED to talk about things, that we need to clear the air, so to speak, but I’m not really sure how to do it. I know what I want, but I’m not sure if it’s what Brian wants. So there I was, two days later, sitting on the beach just watching the waves crash upon the rocks, when I felt him behind me. I couldn’t turn around… I didn’t want to see his face – the look of anger, disappointment in his eyes. However, my fears were blown away with the wind when I felt his arms wrap around me, and his breath on my neck. God, I’ve missed this… I’ve missed him. If I could just spend the rest of my life like this… with his arms around me, I’d be happy. No more than happy. “Brian,” I begin, trying to stop the wave of pleasure that is flowing through me. If I don’t make him stop now, we’ll never get anything covered. Slowly I turn around and just look him in the eye. God, I can’t believe I have forgotten how beautiful he is. Brian is by far the best looking man on the face of the earth. Not only does he have that raw, honest, in your face beauty, but he also has the inner beauty that can make the straightest man turn. “I think we need to talk.” “I thought you were going to call,” he said with a slight smirk. “I did,” I tell him. I did call him – just not with the phone. I called to him in my heart, but I’ll never tell him that. No, some things are most definitely best kept to myself. The last thing I want to do is scare him. I want this to work, I want us to work together. I don’t want him to be out of my life. “Is there any chance that you’d ever be able to forgive yourself? Cause I mean it when I say that I can’t do this if it’s about guilt. I can’t.” “Where the fuck did you get that shit from,” he asked me pulling away slightly. “Charity case?” “Since I was seventeen,” I began, looking just over his shoulder. It’s hard for me to look him directly in the eye, especially since he’s just so close. “Since then, I have been tossed from one place to another. I have never had a place to call home. From living with you, to Deb, to the hospital, to my mom, back to you… I’ve never given anything to anyone. It’s always been someone else’s place, someone else’s stuff. Never mine, or ours. You always paid for everything, always. I was never able to contribute to anything. I guess that’s why I came up with that.” “You didn’t have the money, I did. Hell, Justin, it was only money. I don’t care about that. Trust me, you were never a charity case, with any of us,” he told me lifting my chin so I could look him in the eye. “And if you think that, you better stop that shit right now.” “It’s true.” “It’s bullshit.” I turn away from him so that I can stand. With my back to him, I close my eyes briefly, trying to calm myself. It’s not easy, to say the least. But I know that in order to get to a middle ground between us, then there will have to be some give and take on both of our parts. “If it’s bullshit, then so is you blaming yourself. I don’t care what you think… that if you hadn’t paused, as you say you did, then I wouldn’t have been hurt. You have to realize that if it hadn’t been the Prom, it would’ve been some other day. And if it had been some other time, you wouldn’t have been there, and I wouldn’t be here now. That I know for a fact. So you blaming yourself is bullshit. Plain and simple.” Brian doesn’t say anything, and I just know he wants to argue his point. I like to think that he realizes that it’s pointless. I’m NOT going to give up on this. I won’t. “So why are you going through this memory shit?” “I want to remember, Bri. No one knows what it’s like to be missing days out of your life. No one understands how frustrating it is. I have weeks! Between the days before the Prom, then the time I was in a coma. I know I won’t have shit from the coma, but I need those days before.” Turning to him, I kneel down in front of him, and take his hands into my own. “I have to remember those days. And I know that I will also be remembering the bad along with it, but I don’t care. I need to remember it all if I’m ever going to move forward.” “What do you mean, move forward. Jesus, what have you been doing for the past year,” he asks frustrated. I know that he’s pissed – that he doesn’t want me to go through with this. I don’t think I can ever really make him or anyone for that matter, fully understand what it’s like. I don’t think that anyone can really understand what it’s like to be missing a HUGE part of yourself. And that’s what it is. It’s not just memories… it’s Brian and I. I’m missing the most important moment in our lives together. I know that if I can remember that fully, then I can never doubt us again. But I can’t tell him that… he would just tell me that it’s not worth it – that he remembers for the both of us. “That’s the thing, Brian, I haven’t. I haven’t moved forward. There has been this huge part of me that has been stuck in those days before the Prom. I am still that kid who was at the top of the steps leading down to the backroom, asking you if you’d go. How did I get from there to waking up? I need to know. Maybe there’s something that is in my mind that can explain to me why.” Brian reached up and began to run his fingers across my cheek. “Justin, you know why. Hobbs was a homophobic asshole.” “I know that, Bri. But I need to know. How did Daphne and I work things out? How did we get from not talking to going to the Prom together? I already have remembered stuff that no one bothered to tell me, so how much more is there?” He knows what I’m talking about, and I’m grateful that he doesn’t try to deny it. “Things that change everything. How much more is there?” “I still think you should’ve told us,” he conceded, raising his eyebrow. “And if it wasn’t you, then it would’ve been mom, or Deb, coming over here and dragging my ass home,” I laugh slightly. I know that he can’t deny that fact. “So… where do we go from here? Will we be able to meet somewhere in the middle? You know what I want, Bri. I won’t have it any other way.” “So if I can’t, as you say, get over my guilt then that’s it? We just cut our losses?” “I told you, Brian. I won’t be with someone out of guilt. I can’t do that again. I deserve better than that,” I tell him, even though I know he feels the same way. I’m not stupid. I know that he feels that he’s not good enough for me, but that’s something that will take time to change. I know this, and I’m willing to work on that. “But I don’t want lose you. I want you in my life. You mean so much to me, that I don’t know if I’d survive without you a part of it. I want you to be there for my first big showing. I want to do a lot of things. But I will do that – be without you, if that’s what you want. I just can’t do the guilt thing. There’s more than enough to go around between the two of us. I mean, we wouldn’t even be here if I hadn’t screwed up,” I tell him. I think that – for me anyway – letting him know that I am as much to blame for all of this as he is… if not more, I think that it might make him see that just maybe, we’re worth the fight. I can see the struggle that he’s going through. I know that he’s not sure he can give me what I want. But I guess I realized something. I realized that I DON’T want to be without him. And what is relationships without compromise? Meeting halfway, isn’t that what I said. “How about this?” I wait until Brian is look at me before I continue. “How about you agree to try? I want us together because we want to be – without guilt, without the past mistakes holding us up. Do you think that you can at least try?” Brian’s silent, and I can only hold my breath hoping, praying that he’ll agree. With every second that ticks by, I feel my hope slipping. I know I can’t push him… it didn’t work last time, and I don’t want to lose him. So I guess I’ll just have to wait until he can come around. I know what I want. I know what I’ll be willing to wait on. “Yeah,” he answers quietly. With that one simple word, I feel elated. I feel like my heart is going to pound right out of my chest. God, I do love him. I love him so much it hurts. Leaning in, I pause slightly before I get too far. “It’s not going to be easy.” “What with us ever is?” “We still have a lot to talk about,” I tell him, letting him know that he’s not going to get off easy… neither one of us is. “Later,” he said, closing the distance and pressing his lips against mine. God, how do I describe our ‘reunion’? I don’t know if I can, really. It was hot! It was like the first time all over again, and I’m not talking only about the actual first time… I’m also talking about the first time we made love after the Prom. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times he made me cum that night. For the first time in a long time, I felt that everything would work out. Somehow, Brian always has a way of making me feel safe and secure. He has a way of making me feel like I’m on top of the world. So imagine my surprise when he wants to talk. Okay, now there’s one thing that you may or may not know about Brian. He doesn’t like to talk, which you know… but he especially doesn’t like to talk before or after sex especially. I mean that’s how I normally got him to do all the things I was able to get him to do. Just ask him something right before sex… right before he enters me, when he’s so horny he can’t think straight. For the most part I can get anything out of him, just so I will shut up. So I was surprised that instead of falling asleep he pulls me closer to him, holding me so close that it seems he’s afraid I’ll disappear. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. I love the fact that he holds me close to him after we have sex… no matter how many times he says he doesn’t ‘cuddle’. But I sure as hell wasn’t expecting him to bring up the same question that he had days ago. I was kinda hoping that he would forget. But noooo. That damn man has the memory of an elephant. “Want to tell me what the hell those drawings were about,” he asked. Now I know why he was holding me so close. It’s not that he was afraid I’d disappear, he wanted to ‘trap’ me so that I couldn’t run away without answering. Unfortunately I couldn’t pretend to be asleep either. “Nothing,” I say with my head on his chest. I so do not want to get into that whole mess with him now. “Bullshit,” he swore. Brian placed his hand on my chin and pulled me up so that I could look him in the eye. He knows that I never wanted to lie to him again, I made that mistake once, and I swore to the both of us that I wouldn’t do that again. I wasn’t technically lying. It was nothing… nothing that he should be bothered with that is. But I know that all he has to do is look in my eye, and he’ll know. He’ll know that I am so full of shit. “Justin?” “Bri,” I begin. There’s a part of me…deep down, that wants to tell him. But there’s a bigger part of me that doesn’t want to, that can’t. We still have a lot to work on that deals with US, and to add to it? “Can we just leave it for now. Please? I promise, in time I will tell you, but not now. Please,” I beg. “Justin, something is going on. Didn’t we promise not to keep shit from each other, all those months ago? Didn’t you promise that?” God, I hate it when he’s right. “And I promise, I will tell you. Just not now, okay? Can’t we just concentrate on one thing at a time? We’ll worry about the rest later. I just want to be with you for a little longer before you have to go back. I still have another couple of months here, and I don’t want to ruin this shit now. I promise, soon. I’ll tell you everything you want to know soon.” I lean in and decide to take his mind off of anything dealing with what I’m not telling him. Slowly I begin to run my hands across his chest, lightly tracing his nipples with my fingers. “Shouldn’t we be doing something else right now. We shouldn’t waste time talking when you could be fucking me,” I tell him with a slight smile on my face as my hand moves down his chest toward his hardening cock. Oh yeah, we most definitely can do some other things together instead of talking. There were other things I wanted to do with my mouth. We only had three days together after all. Soon, Brian would be back in Pittsburgh, and we wouldn’t see each other again for months. I plan on making the most out of this. Besides, I think I had learned a thing or two from Brian. Brian may think that he’s the master of hiding things with sex, but I have become a master in my own right. Brian’s weakness is sex, and I for one will use what I need to in order to keep some things private for the time being. I wasn’t lying, I will tell him. But that time is not now. Someday, but not now. Now I needed something else entirely. I needed to feel loved, and wanted. I needed Brian. Plain and simple. Nothing else would do.