Note: Must read story For All Time before you read this one. This is a direct sequel to that series, and this will not make any sense if you do not read that one first. The Thanksgiving tale is placed in the middle of this one, and contains spoilers to this fic series.
Thanks : Thanks to everyone who has stuck beside me since I started to write in this fandom. To Riz who asked ooohhhh so nicely for the sequel, you’re one of the best. To Teresa, my fav girl. To Sue… you are the best person I know. Misty, ElsaRose aka MOM, Jude, MFB, Irina, John, ‘My Boy’, 3xsalady , Circe, everyone on my list, Andrea, and many, many others. You guys are the best people I have met… Thanks. To my wonderful Beta Lois… you go gurl!
Hey there,
Let’s see… This is the first time that I’ve actually done something like this, and I don’t even know why I’m doing it, really. I remember when I was a young kid, my mom used to buy me these journals and told me that they could be my own private thoughts. I thought it was cool for a while… even though I never actually wrote anything in there. I guess that was until my dad found out. Fuck, I still remember how pissed Craig was. He went on and on about how only ‘little fags’ would do something like that. He told my mom that young men wouldn’t do something like that. It was too girlish.
So I guess, I just didn’t bother. I always hated it when my parents fought, so I just wanted to leave things alone… keep them happy.
Now… Well now Marsha tells me that I should do this. To keep my mind – my thoughts – in order. There’s so much going on in my life, so much that I had gone through, that she thought this way I can keep track of things. Try to sort shit out. The weird thing is that Brian’s all for it. Who would have ever thought?
Okay so I guess I’m stuck with this. (Especially since Marsha wants to go over what I put in here.) I might as well get on with it, right?
After I left the Pitts, after Mom’s surgery, things went on as normal. Well as normal as Brian and I get anyway. Work has picked up for me. I’ve had to do a lot of traveling in the recent months. I guess, now that I’m not relying on crutches and only a cane, they feel that I am ‘fit’ to travel. Go figure.
I can say that I’m glad that I’m finally getting the ‘all clear’ from the doctors. It’s been too long. I miss not being able to do certain things. Things like actually walking. So I won’t be running any marathons, but being able to walk to and from places. To be able to finally REALLY drive my car again. Fuck! I feel free. Will I ever be the same? No. I know this. Just like I wasn’t the same after Hobbs smashed my brains in with the bat. My hand is still fucked up cause of that, and the car accident only amplified it even more. And now.. well now I won’t be doing a lot of dancing and shit like I used to. Am I angry about that? Yes. I am. Should I be? Hell if I know, but I don’t really care.
Of course having a car cannot make up for the rest of my life. As fucked up as it is. Life in the past couple of months have been hell. Pure and adulterated hell. Brian… What do I say about him? What can I say that will make everything all right again? What can I do to make things right between us? Do I even want to try again?
No I can’t think about that mess now. I just can’t. What goes on between Brian and I will stay private for now. At least until I can figure out what the hell is going on, what I want to happen. So I guess it’s on to other things… other things that have been bothering me. It’s what this damn thing is for isn’t it?
The one thing that I think I hate the most is how people see me. Walking down the street, I can feel the stares, practically feel the looks of pity. I fucking HATE that! I am sick of all of this type of shit. And it’s not only walking down the street, I get the same shit at work, with my friends… well the people from Pittsburgh. I want to turn to them and just tell them to get over themselves. Stop treating me as some sub-human being. Just fucking STOP! But I can’t do that. No… not sweet little Justin. They would just pass it off as some drama moment and not how I really feel. So I suffer.
I know I’m falling into the same damn thing that had cost Brian and I so much. I know it, and I have no idea how to change it. I’m pretending. Pretending that everything is okay, that everything is perfect and all this shit doesn’t bother me. Pretend that I’m not totally fucked up and that I’m not dying inside. I don’t always have to pretend with Brian… not always. There are days though that everything just seems too much. All I want to do is just sit there and do nothing. Not think, not breathe, nothing! Just completely be invisible. It’s something that no one can understand.
No one knows what I’m going through. No one knows what is going through my mind. No one can relate. They all say they know.. they understand, but they don’t. The don’t know what it’s like to be one thing one day then have it all ripped away from you because of someone else. They don’t know the pain I go through, the depression I feel because I can’t do what I want anymore. I can’t do shit. I’m NOT the same kid that they had first met.
I’ve changed, and not completely for the better. I know this, and I’m trying to fix it. My outlook on life has changed drastically, and there is nothing that can make me go back to the way things were before. Nothing! So I suffer in silence.
That’s it for now. This is just too damn depressing even for me. Here I started off this thing happy and shit, and now… fuck this shit.
Justin
Justin closed the book, and set it off to the side. Closing his eyes, Justin tried to take deep breaths to calm himself. He hated the depression, hated that he would never be whole again. There were times he often wondered why Brian had even bothered with him. How could someone like Brian who strived for perfection, stay with someone who was as screwed up as him?
Reaching for his cane, Justin walked out of the bedroom to start dinner. As he pulled the chicken out of the refrigerator, Justin picked up the phone and dialed one of the only people he knew he could talk to about shit. “Hey, Daph.”
“Justin, what’s up?” Daphne’s cheery voice came though the phone line.
Justin leans back against the headboard and closed his eyes. “The same, Daph. The same.”
“Has Brian explained what is going on? Why he did it?” Daphne asked and Justin had been asking himself that for days. “I thought…”
Justin knew what she was going to say… he knew. It’s the one thing that had been running through his mind. “That we were going to be… together. Yeah, that’s what I thought too. I guess that things just don’t work out the way we plan.”
“Justin…” Daphne started, not liking the pain she heard in her best friend’s voice. “Have you talked to him?” When Justin had called her and told her that he had found Brian fucking some trick in their home when he came back from his business trip early, Daphne was shocked to say the least. She had honestly thought that Brian had gotten past that, that he would no longer hurt Justin like that. “There has to be something that triggered it.”
“What, besides he’s a fucking piece of shit?” Justin asked, getting angry. He had been locked in the upstairs bedroom for days, not stepping out to do anything. He had only come out to go to work, and refused to even LOOK at Brian in the days since he had found his lover with the trick in their bed. His first instinct was to leave the house, but he quickly quelled that thought when he realized that it was HIS house. So he had gathered up some belongings and moved upstairs. “I don’t know if I can talk to him, Daph. I can’t even fucking stand to look at him.”
“Okay… let’s think this over. What happened? What was going on before you found this…”
Justin closed his eyes, and thought back. Things had been strange for months now… he wasn’t sure if he could even come up with one instance, one particular instance. “I don’t know… I just don’t know.”
“There had to be something. Think.”
Taking a deep breath, Justin began to review everything that had happened since his return from Pittsburgh four months ago.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Four Months ago
Brian set Justin’s bags on the edge of the bed, as he watched his lover slowly climb under the covers. “Tired?” Brian asked amused.
“You don’t know the half of it. Molly has been running rampant, making Dad and I run around. She’s a damn slave driver, the little shit.” Justin opened his eyes slightly to smile at Brian. “She would sit there and order Dad and I around, making sure that mom’s pillows were fluffed, or she had tea sitting beside her bed when she woke up.”
Brian moved the bags to the floor, and moved in beside his lover so he could run his hand over Justin’s chest. He had missed his gorgeous blond, missing having the warm body draped over him during the night, waking up beside him. “I bet your mom was happy for all the attention.”
Justin laughed slightly, turning in bed so he could lay with his head on Brian’s chest. “Yeah, she was so happy she kicked me out of the house. Both Dad and I. She forced us to take Molly away from there so she could have some peace and quiet.” Justin shook his head slightly as he felt Brian’s fingers running through his long locks. “She wants to come down this summer for a couple of weeks. I don’t know… I think it will be good for mom, you know?”
“Hm.” Brian agreed holding Justin close. “Why don’t you just get some sleep? You look exhausted.”
“I am… but there’s just too much going on…” Justin began to say. His eyes started to close of their own accord, refusing to stay open any longer. Giving in, Justin closed his eyes and allowed sleep to take him.