“What the fuck am I doing here? I knew it was a bad idea to come here. Being surrounded by snobs of all kinds, forcing fake smiles on my face and pretending I’m having the time of my life, while I feel like an alien here and wish to be at home. Well, the place I call home lately. It’s different than the former one with Br… Stop it! 

Things. Have. Changed. Your life has changed; you are with Ethan now. Period. Yeah, Ethan…the guy I’ve been waiting for all my life. My soulmate. My perfect partner. The man who knows exactly what romance is. And he really means it. The sensitive artist who was looking for the love of his life, just like me. So we found each other. It can’t be a coincidence. No, it’s called fate. 

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a dreadfully familiar voice runs through my head…

<i>“Fate? I’ll leave that romance bullshit to you. I’ve got a much more important thing to do…ok, it’s a four-letter word as well and it begins with an F, but that is the only similarity between your shit and mine.”</i>

Oh no. It’s happening again… I know his voice very well. This is what Br… well, you-know-who would say. It happens to me a lot lately. I hear his smug comments all the time, it’s like he took a place in my head or something. Although we don’t really speak to each other anymore – besides when we’re at work – and don’t meet very often, his sarcastic remarks still haunt me. A piece of him still lives inside me I guess. That’s quite scary, actually. It must be the result of being by his side for too long. And I hate him for it. I wasted too much time on him and I’m still paying the price.

<i>“Well actually, someone else is paying here Sunshine…”</i>

Stop it! That’s not fair! I never asked him to pay for my tuition. He wanted me to accept it. Like I had a choice. Too bad. I hate to owe him… But just because he doesn’t believe in the things I believe, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. That’s his problem. I chose the happy and secure kind of life. He chose something completely different. That’s why I’m so thankful for having Ethan in my life. By the way, he’s the only reason I came here.

<i>“Congrats! You exceeded my expectations! Even I wouldn’t be able to come in a place like this. I would prefer a funeral…that is still much more fun than this shit.”</i>

Oh shut up! But, well, actually this time you’re right. This place really sucks.

<i>“Yep, and not in a good way!”</i>

And I knew it would. From the moment I stepped inside I felt like a complete stranger here. Ethan has introduced me to his friends, (don’t ask me names, I don’t remember), I shook hands and became Ethan’s silent shadow. I felt like a total idiot. Standing by his side and laughing along with the others on stupid stories I know nothing about and listening to tiring discourses when I just don’t give a fuck.

<i>“Well, I would give somebody a fuck…”</i>

So I left them there and got away a little to give myself a chance and take a look around. What do we have here… Well, not much. I’m desperately trying to find a person who seems at least a bit friendlier than the others. Someone who I might have a proper conversation with.

<i>“Yeah, right…what the fuck about?”</i>

Anything! Well, anything but classical music, concerts or arrogant narcissistics. Don’t get me wrong, I mean I really appreciate the things Ethan loves, but the truth is that he never really talks about anything else.

<i>“And can’t really do anything else, for that matter…”</i>

Sometimes it looks like he doesn’t care about the things I’m interested in. And since his friends all look the same, it’s no surprise I’m standing alone in the corner of the room. I suddenly remember what Ethan said to me a couple of days ago… Maybe he is right; maybe I AM anti-social. Maybe it’s all my fault.

<i>“Sure, blame all his shit on yourself if it makes you feel better. But don’t expect me to feel sorry for you…self-pity makes my dick soft anyway…”</i>

But all I can see is just a bunch of pathetic snobs trying to look important. Except for Ethan of course. He’s so different.

<i>“Is he?”</i>

Yes, he is! But it’s a bit strange though…I certainly love to feel his touch on my body, but tonight he was constantly touching me in front of his friends. Well, it’s great he wants to show everyone that I belong to him, that we belong together. But after a time it gets quite embarrasing…like I’m not good for anything else, just to play the smiling wife.

<i>“Well, look who’s complaining about being in a faithful marriage…”</i> 

It’s not that! I mean...it’s like I’m just the decoration. Or maybe I’m just overreacting about this whole thing. He’s just as nervous as I am. It’s the first time we’ve shown up together at his friend’s. But...from here he doesn’t look very different than the others.

<i>“Good Morning Sunshine!”</i>

I mean he is loud, laughs in a weird kind of way while trying to get everyone’s attention. Not that sensitive artist at all. And for a minute it looks like he totally forgot about me… Oh no, I’m just paranoid again. I need a smoke. Like now. Yeahhh…that’s it, that’s better. Relax, Justin, you did great so far and you don’t want to ruin this evening. It’s important to Ethan. Oookay, his friends wanted him to bring me to this party.

<i>“Party, you call this shit a party??? You learned nothing from me?!”</i>

So I just have to be nice to everyone…but it’s so hard.. 

<i>“Now, you’re talking!!!”</i>

God, I feel Ethan’s eyes on me, he’s coming from behind. No, no cheap jokes this time please! Smile Justin, smile! You’re feeling really great and everything is just fine. At least that’s what I tell him, but he doesn’t believe me. Shit. Ok, so I blame it on my nervousness. That’s better, he kisses me...maybe that’ll help.

<i>“Or maybe won’t.”</i> 

Oh, no...one of his arty friends stops in front of us. Just great…with an expectant look on his face… Wipe that smug grin off your fucking face, asshole! Big curly hair and a few days at college doesn’t make you an intellectual or more important than anyone else you know. Yeah, I’m his boyfriend, is there any problem with that? And right now, yes, I’d fuckin’ love to be just an imaginary one. Sooo, you heard I was an artist and now you’re able to notice me, how nice. Aren’t we a bit snobbish?

Ok, ok, I’ll just tell him what I’m working on and hopefully he’ll leave us alone. No he won’t…shit. Why, I knew you’ll come up with some witty remark. Just a pretty face, huh? Who the fuck do you think you are? Just because I’m blond and sexy it doesn’t mean I’m empty in the head. Well I’ve been really patient so far, but that just fucking pisses me off. If only I could…

<i>“Say it!”</i>

No, no, it’s very rude... 

<i>“So what? That’s the point!”</i>

I don’t think it would be appropriate, but...who cares? Ethan will understand…I hope. Ok, here it comes... Mentioning my sucking skills and the size of my cock takes effect. Big Curly Hair just gulps a few times, stares at me with a ridiculous expression on his face. I won. Gee, I feel better! Much better! Though I’m not sure Ethan appreciated my comment. He doesn’t say a word, but I can see a slight twitch on his face which slowly turns into a forced fake smile. Like he thinks I’m funny. But I know better. He’s embarrased...very embarrased. Sorry, Love. I had to do it.

<i>“Sorry is bullshit.You don’t mean it.”</i>

At least the fucker went away, but so did Ethan. He found some other friends to talk to. Whatever. No one will humiliate me. No one. Even if it’s Ethan’s friend. Well I think I did my duty as a loving boyfriend, and this whole party-shit is getting really boring since I have nothing to do here. Maybe I should be going. But Ethan is having such a great time.. 

<i>“At least someone’s havin’ it!”</i>

I guess he wouldn’t be too pissed if I left. I think I’m gonna try...I just have to get the fuck out of here. Well, he isn’t too happy to hear I want to leave but when I tell him to stay he seems to be ok with it. One more kiss...sure, sure I love you, now can I go please? Thank God I can leave now. This evening was much too long.

<i>“Too long never seemed to be a problem before..”</i>

A quiet bye to everyone, a last glimpse from Ethan and I feel relieved. Ahhh, that’s great, just fucking great! The fresh cold air hits me as I step out to the street. I put my hands in my pocket, take a few deep breaths and the freshness fills my lungs. As I’m heading home, I play back every detail of the evening in my head again and again. Especially my comment to that pathetic fucker… 

Suddenly I get a funny feeling inside of me, and a wide smile - which is impossible to hide - crosses my face. I did great! I was brilliant! I hear a faint voice ringing in my ear and I realise, this time it’s my own. It’s whispering one certain sentence again and again...<i>Brian would be proud of me…Brian would be proud of me…</i> 

But why did I say that? I’m so confused…why do I care about what Brian would think? And why can’t I forget about him? Things don’t seem to be as simple as they did some weeks ago. I don’t know what’s going on inside of me but I have to be very strong, I want to show everyone that I’m doing fine without him and I made the best decision of my life; that I don’t miss him at all. Not at all. Then I get this sudden and somewhat inexplicable urge to stop by that Carnival thing at Babylon...