Well painted passion you rightly suspect impersonation the dumbing down of love jaded in anger love underwelms you no box of chocolates which ever way you fall BRIANS POV I slowly open my eyes and come to the realization that my head hurts like a motherfucker. On top of it, there's this loud banging penetrating my every thought and I can't fucking take it anymore.. "BRIAN! BRI-AN!" Ah, Michael. That explains the banging. Go away, Michael.Leave me be. I hold still and after a while distancing footsteps are heard. Mikey has left the building. I try to get up from the floor - where I'd been lying apparently - and trip over the emptied bottle of Beam. FUCK. Could this day get any worse? And then it does, when I realize why I was on the floor in the first place. He's gone I shake my head. No. He can't be. He has to s-stay with me. Be here. He can't leave. He can't. Don't be gone, Sunshine. I didn't ask for this! I prayed to bring him home, not to make him leave me. "I don't want to"he said in that one way conversation that is still occupying space on the tape of my machine. "I have to" One thing I know about Justin is that he's stubborn as hell, so why would he ever do something because he *has to*? Who made you leave, Justin? Who took you from me? Please don't listen and come back. JUSTINS POV The sun is shining. Why does it do that? Doesn't it know that Sunshine died? Alright, that may be a bit dramatic, but it's the truth. How can I live any longer, without him or any kind of connection to him? No Gus to smile at when seeing the resemblence between him and his daddy? No Deb, to count on, for telling me if something would be wrong with Brian? No - no Brian or anything related. Except this heart of mine. The landscape flies by me and I turn to the window to gaze at the grey and hollow buildings, portraying all of my feelings. There's this ruin, that was once a home to someone, but is now half torn down. Ripped apart to pieces, the sun making the windows dance with glitter. It is both saddening and magical. Brian. What are you doing now? Did you get my message? I will always, always love you. And if Craig hadn't done this to us, I'd be with you now, begging for you to take me back into your arms, your life and your heart. Because I know you loved me. Things have changed and this truth may have turned to being wishful thinking, but then don't tell me. Let me believe in this fable, that's keeping me alive. * New York. The doors to the Greyhound slide open and reveal a dirty sidewalk and empty street to me. It's about 10.50 am right now and I stand in front of a huge stone building, with a little namesign. NYMA. The big grey gates are slightly opened and squeal when I enter the grounds. "You'll have the time of your life, Justin!" He said enthusiastically. "It's an experience you won't ever forget!" I wish I could believe him as I pack my suitcase at 4.30 in the morning. Socks : check. clothes: check. sketchbook : check. Heart : lost. I nod my head. "Yes father, I am sure it will be." I answer, trying to put as much sarcasm I can muster in that sentence, but failing miserably, cause I'm just too fucking tired to do so. My mom is leaning against the doorframe with this worried smile decorating her face. I feel bad about leaving her. Even though they are divorced, the fucker still has very much say in her life. I smile at her and blink twice. She sighs and turns away, tears forming in her eyes. I hear someone clear his throat next to me and look his way. He smiles nervously at me. "So this is it, huh?" He whispers with a sigh. "Yeah, I guess so. Gonna be fun, right?" Now the sarcasm shines through visibly and he chuckles, holding out his hand for me. I shake it while he introduces himself. "James, forced to meet you here." I laugh. "Justin. likewise. Let's do this, shall we?" "Yeah," he says defeatedly."Let's." * The lady in the introduction centre looks like one of the nurses in a mental hospital, with huge eyebrows and a mustache growing, hair tied neatly into a bun and an expression that would scare the crap out of anybody. Both James and I jump at the sight of her. We know that's not very nice - we do! - but seriously, this is one scary person. "New kids?" she grumbles.. "Uh" is all my introductioncompanion can muster. I nudge him. "Yeah," I answer for him. "Names?" Scary voice too." Justin Taylor and er - " "James". "You two don't mind sharing a room, do you?" We both shake our heads in relief. She hands us our key and we both get settled in our room, if you can call it that. The walls are filthy, the shower has brown stuff sticking to the wall and the toilet's clogged. There are hairs on our beds that are identified as pubes. Ieuw. James sighs. "Looks like we're gonna have some work here, roomie." I shake my head and laugh. I'd rather weep, but I need to make the best of this. Need to make Brian proud. * BRIANS POV I drag my hand over my face and pull out my cellphone. There's no way I am going to work today. "Cynthia? I'm not going to make it in today." I hear her ramble on and on about how Vance is pushing her to get me to sign some goddamn paper, and how pissed he'll be and... "Cynthia." "What?" "He's gone. I'm going to get him back." "Be careful." I love this woman. Next on the long list of women to call (goddamnit, I'm queer, I shouldn't have long lists of women to call!) is Daphne. I sigh and scroll down to find her number. "So what the FUCK is up with him leaving?" * JUSTINS POV The cafeteria is this big hall with equally scary 'waitresses' - you know, the people that stand behind trays of disgusting food and just smack it on your plate? What are they called anyway? James and I find ourselves a table behind some punks who are acting more childish than Gus when he plays in the sandbox. We both roll our eyes at the same time at them. I really like James. I think I've really hit the jackpot finding him when I did. This guy jumps up at the 'punk-table' and yells "and then I smashed the fucking faggot's skull to pieces." Cheers are heard around the table as I recognize the voice. It's the one I never wanted to hear again. Turning my head around to face the table I stare directly into the eyes of Chris Hobbs. He's startled for a minute but quickly recovers, a grin on his face. "Well, boys, I would like for you to meet the one and only faggot with a cracked skull by my hand : Justin Taylor. Hello, Justin - ready for round two?" * I lie on my bed and James sits down by my feet. "Hey, man..I know this is going to sound stupid, but it really sucks what that guy did to you..I'm sorry." I shake my head. "You can't help it." He nods understandingly. "Can I know what-" Then there's a loud banging on our door and an obvious military voice bellows: "Lights out and mouths shut!" James turns off the lights but sits down on the floor next to my bed, and I nod in the dim light the curtains are letting through. He huggs his knees to his chest as I prepare myself for an emotional tour of my past. "Well, you already know that I'm gay - as Chris felt the need to yell across the cafeteria," I roll my eyes. "and I fell in love about 2 years ago, when I was still in highschool. His name is Brian Kinney and I still love him now.Brian is 12 years my senior and the most beautiful man I know." I hesitate."This isn't making you uncomfortable, is it?" James shakes his head and says to me: "It's only love, Justin. And I'm a sucker for that.." I smile at him and continue my story. "But in those days, he didn't fall in love with me. He has one night stands, but doesn't believe in love or monogamy, things like that. He was my first, but I was nothing more than a trick to him.Although he did let me name his son, who was born that very same night. The next morning he dropped me off at school, but let me know that I wouldn't be seeing him again.I didn't give up though. I followed him everywhere, he couldn't avoid me." I grin at the memories. "When he took me home again and again, I knew that I was in - I didn't have his heart, but he *had* me several times. He never did that before. And then my dad kicked me out of the house when I told him I was gay and Brian took me in, when he realized how my father was treating me. Brian had been not verbally, but physically abused by his father and that has made a lot of difference in his life. That's the main reason he doesn't believe in love, because his father used to beat his mother and him and then tell her he loved her. 'Actions speak louder than words' is Brians credo. But anyway, so Brian took me in, even paid my college tuition and things were okay, I guess. He brought tricks home and stuff, but I knew he cared about me. Then my highschool prom came around, and I asked Brian to be my date. Of course he refused.." James nods."Of course." "Yeah, so I decided not to go...I mean, what was the use? I'd always been bullied in school by Chris Hobbs, who you had the pleasure of meeting a couple of hours ago, and it was just a stupid prom...But my mom and everybody said I should go, so I went with my best friend Daphne. And then he showed up...Brian showed up at my prom and we danced together. He kissed me in front of everybody, and Daphne said it was so beautiful..The worst thing is that I can't remember everything, only flashes of it. It was the best night of my life and I don't even remember all of it." Tears are starting to spill."Because when I walked Brian to his car, 'cause I needed to go back inside to Daphne, Chris Hobbs came, carrying a baseball bat. I heard Brian's scream before everything went black. I was in a coma for some time and then months of physical therapy. I still have nightmares. My hand is permanently damaged and I have lost my ability to draw. Chris Hobbs took a lot from me, and all he got in return was a slap on the wrists by a homophobic judge. Then the judge got glued to the toilet..I have an feeling Brian was behind that." I grin at him."Still following?" He nods. "Brian took me in again, and he even admitted to like having me around, claiming that he 'wanted to come home to me'. We established some rules and we were happy. Until I wasn't anymore. Actions speak louder than words, but I went blind and didn't read his actions for what they were, I needed to hear the words. So I cheated on Brian with a guy a didn't even like, but the guy told me the words I wanted to hear. I left Brian after all he did for me. I just didn't see the things he showed me." I sob. "And then the new guy cheated on me and I left him, hiding at my mother's house. My dad showed up last night and forced me to come here, threatening to get Brian fired and to hurt his son, Gus. My father knows a lot of people, he could get it done. I called Brian, left a message on his machine, and here I am." I smile, but it quickly turns into sobbing and then James is holding me and tucking me in... "This has been hard on you and I'm sorry. Get some sleep, Justin." I nod and a few moments later, I am vast asleep, dreaming of the only man I love. * BRIANS POV I lie on my bed and idly play with the sheets on his side of the bed. Daphne didn't know. She'd gotten a message too and was about as clueless as I was. Next is Jennifer, but I find myself a bit hesitant to call her..She's not my biggest fan you know, even though she was the fiddler's.. I close my eyes and see him smiling. A tear escapes. Be safe, Sunshine. I love you.