Justin's POV

By the time we left the police station Mom seemed strung tight enough to snap any second. I was torn between not blaming her and not giving a fuck. The last few hours had been a surrealistic nightmare but throughout the entire ordeal I could only think about one thing. Brian. What was happening to Brian? Now that I was finally out of there, there was only one place I cared about going.

"Take me to Brian's." I told her as I settled into the passenger seat of her car. She jerked around and looked at me as if I had slapped her.

"Take you to Brian? Everything that has happened is because of Brian. You are coming home, young man. Justin, your life if in danger! Is there something you don’t understand about that? Did you hear anything they said to you in there? Some maniac thinks that killing you is going to pay back Brian Kinney. Hanging around that man is not just bad for you; it’s going to get you killed!" The stress in her voice verged on panic. Struggling for control she started the car and nearly ran into one parked in front of us because she put it in drive instead of reverse. A foul word slipped from her control but she bit the rest back behind tightly compressed lips. She slammed on the brakes and staring at nothing her grip on the steering wheel white knuckled. That was the first time I remember looking at my mother and seeing an old woman. A vague guilt that it was my fault that she looked this way nibbled at the edges of my mind. Everything she had been through in the last few months was because of me and I almost felt sorry. I would have actually been sorry except that none of it was my fault. It's not my fault that I'm gay and it's not my fault that people are crazier than shit. Not only that, none of it was Brian's fault and I was sick as hell of fighting this fight.

"He needs me mom.” I tried calmly to convince her that taking me to the loft was the right thing to do. After all Brian had just been served another dead body. I hadn’t been given many details but the pictures they kept waving in my face had said enough. A boy that looked very little like me, disguised as me in death. The idea sent a tremor of pure terror down my spine and I slammed the door on it. Slammed it hard. It was safer, much safer, to focus on Brian. “Mom, I can't just leave him alone all night." I tried to sound reasonable but I could tell from her expression that she all she heard was a whiny demand. She would keep me that whiny boy forever if she could. When would she finally be ready to admit that I was a man? I ignored the nagging voice in the back of my head that reminded me that I was not really a man yet and that she was absolutely right about what the police had said. They believed that someone probably was going to try and kill me but to follow that line of reasoning lay pure panic. Once again I switched gears and thought about Brian. What would he do once they let him go home? I sighed with resignation. I didn’t have to ask that because I could imagine it like I was there. He would slam into his apartment, take a shower and go to Babylon, where he would get falling down drunk, fuck some clown and drive himself home to an empty apartment. There he would spend the rest of the night alone with his demons. If I was there I could help; I had helped in the past. I knew what to do, or maybe even better for us was that I knew what not to do, what not to say…but my mother’s face was hard as she pulled out into the flow of traffic. She wasn't going to listen but I was unwilling to give up. I repeated my demand. "Take me to Brian."

"I wouldn't take you to that selfish bastard if he was the last dick on earth.” I blinked at her crudeness and color came up in her cheeks but she didn’t stop, “Justin can’t you see that if he cared about you at all he wouldn’t let you anywhere near him. Neither of you seems to give a fuck what happens to you,” She paused struggling with her tears, “but I do and I will not take you there." Her voice had that special “Mom” tone the one meant I wouldn't be able to change her mind if I had ten years to try. I sighed and sank down into my seat. What she didn’t seem to understand was that if Brian was going to be alone tonight, so was I. I thought about the long dark hours before dawn. I was pretty sure it was going to be bad. I stilled the panic the best that I could. I might not get to go to Brian but I was not going ‘home.’

"Then take me to Deb's." I said and stared blindly out the side window trying hard not to think about what shadows were out there, lurking around, eagerly waiting for me to be alone in the dark. It was her turn to sigh.

"You won't come home?" she asked tiredly. I softened towards her, but not enough.

"Deb's is home." I said and the rest of the trip was made in an icy silence that made me feel like shit but that I had no idea how thaw.

She followed me into the house but I didn't have anything to say. I turned away from her sad face with its silently pleading expression. What the fuck did she want from me anyhow? I ran up the stairs; the slam of my door the only good bye she was going to get from me. Why should I have to be the one making all the compromises? Why couldn't anyone admit, just once, that maybe I really was in love with Brian? The strident sound of Deb's voice followed me up the stairs promising that she was going to "knock my fucking ass into next week if I didn't learn to treat my mother with some goddamn respect." I ignored her. I didn't care what she thought, or what any of them thought. They could all kiss my ass. If I couldn't have Brian they sure as hell weren't getting me.


I paced nervously; my eyes fixed on the worn carpet. There was one place that was nearly threadbare. I wondered how many times I would have to step on it before it finally wore through. I tried to use that thought as a focal point in my losing battle to keep my mind off everything that had happened. Panic threatened. If I didn't find a way to distract myself I was going to fall completely apart. Sex with Brian would have worked but I wasn't sure that anything else would help. I kept thinking about that creep being at my school. Some fucked up serial killer had been close enough to me to steal my backpack. He could have taken me. I jerked my mind away from that train of thought abruptly. Nothing could be gained by going there; hehadn’t taken me. I was safe. My mind wanted to add ‘for now’ but I ignored it and decided abruptly that a shower might help and so I grabbed underwear and a tshirt from what I hoped was the clean pile on my bedroom floor and headed for the bathroom. I would take a shower and go to bed.


I was sure that things would not seem so bad in the morning. I wasn’t going to let this crap keep bugging me. Oddly enough once in the shower it turned out that it wasn’t the killer that haunted me but my reluctant lover. I stood in the hot spray, trying to let it wash the stress of the day away and discovered Brian was the only thing I could think about, and in my imagination his expression was uncompromising. He had the look of a man who had made up his mind what he was going to do and would not be deterred from it. I was simply terrified he was going to let what was happening solidify his conviction that he shouldn't be fucking me at all. Brian and I had our ups and downs and we went round and round about things but I knew that if he ever really decided he was done with me, there would be nothing I could do to change his mind. It would be over for real, forever, and trying to get him after that would only piss him off. This mess could do it. That asshole out there killing guys and fixing them to look like me might do what my parents had failed at so spectacularly - removing Brian Kinney from my life.

Yeah, sometimes he was the asshole of the world but I didn't want to live without him. I blushed hotly at the thought, Brian would never let me live down such romantic bullshit. That didn’t stop it from being true. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I didn’t want to be in a place that didn’t include him, sarcastic bastard that he was. Still damp from the shower I crawled into bed my heart aching with this new fear, one more real to me than the violence promised by an unknown killer. I burrowed under the purple paisley comforter that Deb had forced on me. Crying in the shower would have made more sense but the tears didn’t come until I was alone in the dark with the ugly comforter pulled up over my head. I was nearly paralyzed with fear. I didn't want to be. I wanted to be brave and face this down the way I knew that Brian would, but courage wouldn't come no matter how brave I wanted to be. I cried because I was scared, I cried because I was pissed off that I was such a fucking coward and I cried like a girl over Brian.

A long time later I fell into a fitful sleep. Sleep that was anything but restful. My dreams were haunted by images of a stern faced Brian who turned away from me again and again. I became desperate, chasing behind him demanding to know when I could see him. I was pleading, no begging, I embarrassed myself but I couldn't make myself stop. His words were a gut wrenching echo from the not so distant past. "In your dreams." and just like that - he was gone. There one moment - the next a vapor. He left me crying and alone, but I did not remain alone. He was replaced by a mysterious masked man. The stranger was tall but his clothes were loose and dark turning him into little more than an undefined shadow. His mask was one of those you could buy at the dollar store, the clear kind. I could almost see his real face but it was distorted by the plastic. I had the eerie feeling I should know him but the sight of him terrified me and I ran. He hunted me relentlessly, but he didn't run. He walked, strolling as if he had all the time in the world. When I looked back I could see that he was smiling behind his mask. The sight made my heart pound franticly with my fear. The methodical way he moved through the dream, always behind me, always coming directly towards me no matter where I fled, no matter where I hid, was terrifying. Finally I quit trying to hide or avoid him. I was running full out, my feet pounding over pavement, grass and dirt. I ran until I my lungs burned and I thought my heart would burst but he never fell any further behind; a glance back would show that he was closer than ever. Near collapse I pushed myself on, running in a blind panic I turned a corner and slammed into an object as immovable as a brick wall. Arms wrapped tightly around me.

"You are safe." the voice was Brian's and I looked up into his face, ashamed of how out of breath I was from running and of the tears staining my face. His jaw tightened. There was a sound behind us and we both turned. It was him, the man in the mask and he moved steadily forward. His face seemed more warped than it had before. I saw that was because it was no longer simply the mask distorting his face. Hate was there. This man abhorred Brian. "He can't have you." Brian told me and moved between us, facing the mad man. He was my knight. It was true that he was clad in an Armani suit rather than a suit of armor but he stood, seemingly without fear, and faced down a killer. The masked man had a cleaver in each hand. I hadn’t seen them before and I watched in horror as blood dripped from honed edges and I realized that his hands were coated with it. Suddenly my fear doubled and I wanted Brian to run with me, but he wouldn't turn around. He wouldn't run. I pulled on his arm and begged him. He simply stood and watched death approach.


"You can't have him." he told the killer. The face behind the mask contorted and an arm rose to throw one of the cleavers. I tried to knock Brian off his feet out of the way but he remained immobile. The cleaver came at him end over end, slowly - the way things move only in a dream - like the air had turned to gelatin. The blade, where it wasn't already dark with blood, glinted in the light and Brian stood in its path. His expression remained stoic in the face of oncoming death. "You can't have him." he said again seemingly oblivious to the fact that in another second the blade would be buried in his head. I opened my mouth to scream and instead of my voice Deb's cut through the air. Ripped abruptly from one world and thrust into another I sat blinking in the dark.

“Brian Kinney!! You stay away from Sunshine!" She screeched and slowly I realized that I was safe in my bed. I was sitting straight up, the comforter pooled around my waist. Disoriented, Deb's rage seemed to be my only link to reality. Franticly I assured myself it had been dream but my chest still heaved with panic. Deb demanded to know if Brian wanted all this fucking crap to end with my pretty head in my lap instead of his. If Brian replied I couldn't hear it but I knew that most likely he had just stuck his tongue in his cheek and kept walking. The door swung open slowly, and I suddenly found my self gripped by the unreasonable fear that it wasn't Brian coming in but someone else; someone who wanted to help me sleep. I bewildered I was suddenly distracted from my panic. Where had that come from? I had heard that somewhere but it hadn't been in my dream. It nagged the edge of my mind and for some reason is seemed important but then a figure stepped into the room and though he was little more than a silhouette I knew beyond any doubt that it was Brian. My fear retreated, banished as if it had never been. I forgot masked men and sleeping. My eyes fixed on his shape, darker than the night as he closed the door behind him barring Deb from entry. I almost expected her to barge in but instead came the sounds of her slow retreat. I supposed even she could know when a battle was futile.


Brian stood in the doorway, little more than a shadow in the dark; he surprised me by reaching over to flip on the overhead light. I knew him well enough to know that light wasn't necessary for what he had come here to do. He stared at me without speaking and his gaze quickly became unsettling. The harsh light was unkind and exposed how wasted he was. His eyes red rimmed and blood shot; his hair stood in wild directions. He wore an old pair of torn jeans and his black wife beater. His feet, without socks, had been unceremoniously shoved into a pair of loafers. His face looked gaunt, almost haunted. And when he finally moved into the room, he still hadn't spoken. I stared wide eyed as he approached me. I knew that saying or doing the wrong thing could send him right back out the door. I wasn't sure why he had come. To fuck me? Oh sure, but I wasn't stupid enough to think he couldn't have gotten that where he had just come from, hell maybe he had. Far be it for Brian Kinney to restrict himself to one fuck partner in an night. It was pretty obvious that he was majorly fucked up  but there was something about him, about the way he was holding himself and in his expression that was almost fragile. That was a stupid idea and it made me frown. Whatever Brian was, fragile wasn't even on the list, but I couldn't shake the unsettling feeling that he had been pushed to the edge. He had the look of a man who was just barely holding things together.

And without warning I remembered something. "Justin" the sound of his voice when he said my name on the phone earlier. It had only been hours ago but it felt like a lifetime. So much had happened since then that I hadn't thought about it again. "Justin" that was all. Something in his face now made me remember his voice then. He had sounded strange but when I asked him if he was OK he had insisted he was. "Justin" If I had been paying attention his tone had said it all. He hadn't been OK at the time and he wasn't OK now. When he reached the edge of the bed he took hold of the comforter; and as he pulled it away his expression reflected his distaste for the coarse thing  with a look that was so Brian Kinney it brought a wave of relief that nearly made me dizzy. He might be near the edge but near was not over. He stood looking down at me. That was all just looking. I was wearing a tshirt and briefs having learned my lesson about sleeping bare assed at Deb's early on; she felt free to waltz in without knocking day or night and it had only taken one slap on my bare ass for me to remember to keep it covered.

I expected him to have some smart assed comment but he still didn’t speak. He tossed the comforter aside and without warning his hand fisted in the front of my tshirt. He used it to jerk me up into a kiss. He leaned over me as his mouth slanted hard over mine his tongue thrusting searching for mine. I clutched his arms and my entire body arched up and into his assault on my senses, my tongue tangled eagerly with his. My head reeled when he finally let me go and I fell back onto the bed my chest heaving. I opened my mouth but before I could speak he leaned over me once more. I could smell the alcohol and drugs on him and his lust, combined it was a scent that was uniquely Brian and it meant I was going to get fucked. He leaned closer, his lips brushed my ear.

"One sound and I'm gone." his breath was hot and a shudder of pure lust wracked me. My half open mouth closed with an audible click because Brian didn't joke. If he said he would leave, he would, and I needed him too much to take the risk. He gave a sardonic half grin at my compliance. He had expected nothing less, I blushed hotly. I never had the strength oppose Brian and tonight my fear of being left alone again made me more malleable than ever. I was sure that being alone would bring the return of my nightmares. I would take Brian over that, whatever it cost. "Good boy." he murmured and stood up to undress. I thought he would turn off the lights but he didn't and his eyes never left me. Even when he almost fell on his ass getting out of his jeans his gaze stayed locked on me. He managed to finish undressing without killing himself and crawled onto the bed to straddle me. I promptly forgot whatever I had been thinking, naked Brian always has that effect on me. He continued to stare at me, his eyes had not left me since he came into the room. His hand touched my face, traced a line on my throat and something flared in his lust glazed eyes that was deeper than the need fogging them. Something sharper, more real.

"He can't have you." Brian muttered an unwitting echo of my dream. His words chilled my blood, momentarily transporting me back into the nightmare but then his mouth took mine and there was nothing but him.