Together As One Chapter 5 As the weeks and months went by, Justin and Ethan grabbed whatever free time they had to spend together. With school, his job at the diner, studying for exams completing papers for classes, and submitting applications to different colleges it didn’t leave much in the way of spare time for Justin. As for Ethan, his schedule of classes, practice, and searching for the right piece to play for the Heiftz Competition, left him with little time to spend with Justin. On one of the rare Saturday nights that he was alone, Justin decided to head for Babylon; largely because he hadn’t been there in ages. Not because he hadn’t wanted to, but Ethan didn’t enjoy going so whenever they had a weekend alone together they spent it at Ethan’s apartment or with his friends. Feeling the heavy beat of the music vibrating through his body, Justin remembered just how much he missed being at Babylon surrounded by all the noise and loud music. “Hey Baby, it’s good to see you,” Emmett gushed as he reached to embrace Justin. “Hi Em, it’s good to see you too. I’ve missed this place,” Justin smiled warmly at his friend as he returned the hug. “Hey Ted, Mikey,” he greeted acknowledging the other two standing off to the side of Emmett. “Where have you been hiding yourself, Sweetie. We hardly get to see you except at the diner…if you happen to be working.” “Yeah, I’ve been kind of busy; you know with school and….” “And Ethan,” Emmett finished off Justin’s sentence. Nodding his head, Justin replied, “Yeah… and Ethan.” “I think it’s great that you found someone,” Emmett gushed. Looking over at the Ted and Michael who stood there quietly, Michael with a smirk on his face as if to tell Justin, see I told you so. You were nothing but a trick to Brian. Emmett followed Justin’s line of sight and noticed the look Mikey was giving Justin. “Oh, Sweetie, don’t let Mikey get to you, he just can’t stand the thought that there might have been more between you and the great Brian Kinney if only Mr. Asshole only would have admitted it. I know there will always be a small place in your heart for him. “You’re right Em, I will always feel something for Brian, but I am with Ethan now and he makes me happy.” “Good for you, Baby,” Emmett confirmed and once again gave Justin a hug. “Thanks, Em. How about you and I hit the dance floor. I’ve missed this,” Justin stated taking hold of Emmett’s hand and pulling him into the crowd of frenzied dancers. ***** FOUR YEARS LATER ***** “Justin Taylor,” the booming voice of the speaker called out. Hearing his name, Justin strode confidently onto the stage, eyes sparkling with excitement, hand outstretched as he took his hard earned diploma and raised in the air waving it to the audience. Returning to his seat to wait for the end of the ceremony, Justin reflected back over the past four years. Once again he gave thanks to his grandparents for paying for his tuition. Researching the different schools, in particular those with art programs or those that specialized in fine arts, The Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts was the one he had placed at the top of his list. After getting to know Ethan, obtaining admission to PIFA had become a major priority; the one stumbling block had been how to pay for it. When he was accepted he had no idea how that would happen. Attending PIFA and studying art was his dream, but he knew that his dad wouldn’t give him a dime and he couldn’t very well ask his mom because she would only have to go through the old man to get the money. Loans were out of the question because he couldn’t qualify; insufficient credit history and a low income. Justin replayed the conversation he had with his grandparents during dinner one night when the subject of his attending college had come up. Coming straight to the point, his grandfather asked, “Justin have you submitted any college applications?” “Well…ah…only a few,” Justin replied hesitantly. “I’ve sort of been thinking of putting off attending for a few years,” he said looking down at his plate to avoid facing his grandfather’s gaze. “Why would you do that? What do you intend to do if you don’t attend school?” “I thought I’d work a couple of years first.” “Where at the diner? You know there wouldn’t be much you could qualify for with just a high school education,” his grandfather stated forcefully. “I know you’re right, but I thought that maybe I could get another job as well.” He didn’t want to admit to his grandparents that his parents weren’t going to pay for his tuition, especially if he went to art school. After his dad threw him out asking him to pay for his schooling was definitely out of the question. “So why are you doing it then?” “Well, I thought if I was able to work a few years, I could save what I needed for my tuition,” he finally blurted out. “I tried to get assistance, but couldn’t and I just don’t have the funds to do it,” he sighed, embarrassed at his admission. “Justin, you don’t have to worry about paying for your tuition,” his grandmother replied softly, reaching out to take hold of his hand and squeezing it gently. Eyes opened wide in surprise, he looked back and forth between his grandparents with a questioning look, “What do you mean? You’re not offering to pay are you? Cause if you are I can’t let you; not after all you’ve done for me over the past year.” “Justin, sweetie, we are and we will,” came his grandmother’s firm reply. “But…I can’t let you do that.” “I don’t think you have a choice in the matter, Son,” his grandfather laughingly stated. “Your grandmother has spoken and you know how that goes. There is no room for arguing here.” “Your grandfather is absolutely right!” Tears filled his eyes as he stood up and hugged each of them in return. He was speechless. All he could say was, “Thank you, you don’t know what it means to me.” Justin was pulled out of his reverie when he heard the Dean asking the graduating class to stand and turn their tassels, and caps were soon being tossed in the air as one loud cheer from the group erupted. Searching out his family, including Daphne and Ethan, Justin found them standing off to the side awaiting his arrival. As he stepped up to his grandparents, he saw pride shining in their eyes. He immediately hugged his grandmother and handed his diploma to his grandfather as a gesture of thanks for their love and support. Next he turned to Daphne who embraced him warmly in a congratulatory hug. Both had been looking forward to graduating from college and embarking on the next phase of their lives. They had talked about what they would do once they finished and had made plans to become roomies. Waiting quietly, Justin finally turned to Ethan and smiled warmly at his former boyfriend and hugged him tightly. Justin was happy that Ethan had taken the time from his busy schedule to come and see him graduate. Even though they weren’t together any longer, they still kept in touch by email and periodic phone calls. They had been together for a couple of years after Justin graduated high school but after the Heiftz Competition, Ethan had received an offer from Glenn Bishop, a representative of Artists Management Associates who wanted to represent him but one of the conditions was that he keep his sexuality a secret, so they decided it was best that they no longer see each other. There were several other factors which prompted the split; one being that Ethan couldn’t let anyone know he was gay, let alone have a boyfriend; and the other was that Justin still had a couple of years to go before he graduated from PIFA and with Ethan touring there would be no time for one another. The break-up was especially hard on Justin and he told Ethan that they could try and manage their relationship long distance, but after months of trying and having to sneak around whenever the musician was in town, it was called off. There was just too stress. After some tears were shed, Justin finally admitted it was for the best; he didn’t want to end up despising Ethan. Gathering the group together, Justin’s grandfather took them all out for a celebratory dinner at Papagano’s. They were all in high spirits as they toasted the graduate with fine wine and dined on a wonderful meal. After dinner, Justin wanted to do more celebrating by heading for Babylon. Daphne was game, but Ethan backed out saying that he had an early flight to catch the next morning. Giving Justin one last hug, Ethan stepped back and placed his palm against the blond’s cheek softly caressing it and gently rubbed his thumb across the silkiness of his lips. With longing of what could have been, he gazed into depths of the large, blue eyes, leaned in and brushed a soft kiss against his lips; the quickly turned and strode into the darkness of the night. Standing on the sidewalk lost in thought as he watched Ethan disappear, Justin felt a slight nudge of his arm. Shaking his head as if to clear his mind, he looked at Daphne who was staring at him with concern. “You alright, Justin?” “Ah…yeah…sure. It’s just hard not to feel anything for him; even if we’re no longer together.” “I suppose. Do you still want to go to Babylon? We don’t have to if you’d rather not.” “No way! We’re still going. I want to celebrate with some dancing and drinking,” he smirked at his friend. Taking hold of Daphne’s hand he pulled her along as they entered the club. Between work, completing several projects due before graduation and studying for finals Justin hadn’t been to Babylon for quite a while. As the music engulfed them, Justin couldn’t wait to get out onto the dance floor. He was in high spirits and felt the need to release some of his pent up energy. Moving onto the floor, the teens were soon falling into the rhythm of the music. After dancing a few numbers, they decided to take a break and ordered a couple of beers. As they stood leaning against the bar, Daphne checked out likely prospects for her friend. When she saw one she would point and say “How about that one Justin, he’s got a nice body, or he’s kind of cute. Oh, now that one is hot, and he seems to be looking at you.” Laughing at his friend’s antics, Justin ignored her running commentary. He was at Babylon to have fun and wasn’t interested in picking anyone up tonight. “Hey Sweetie! How’s things going? Hi Baby Girl,” exclaimed the excited voice of Emmett. “Hi Em,” the friends responded in unison as they both embraced Emmett. “What are the two of you up to tonight?” “Justin is celebrating graduating from PIFA,” Daphne spilled before Justin could even get a word out. “Well congratulations, Sweetie, I’m so happy for you,” Emmett replied as he reached over to hug Justin again. Turning around to the bartender, Emmett ordered a round of drinks and they raised their beers in a toast to the graduate. “Thanks, Em. It’s a relief to finally be done with school,” Justin remarked. “So now that you’ve graduated what will you be doing?” “Well, on Monday I start my job over at the Midtown Art Gallery, it’s just an entry level position but it will give me time to work on my own art and I’ll still be work at the diner part-time. Oh, and I’ve moved out of my grandparents place; Daphne and I are sharing an apartment.” “Wow, Sweetie, that’s great! It sounds like you have your future on the right track,” Emmett smiled warmly. “Yeah, things are going okay for me now. I’m looking forward to starting my new job. By the way where is everyone else?” “Teddy is over there,” Emmett pointed in the direction Ted was in. “He’s talking to an acquaintance and Mikey and Brian should be joining us shortly. At the mention of Brian’s name the friends looked at one another. Justin felt his heart beat a little faster knowing he would get a chance to see him. Daphne knew Justin still had feelings for the man and the few times they did run into each other there seemed to be a charge in the air. Brian never acknowledged it, however, and at the time Justin had been with Ethan. Just as Justin seemed to get his heartbeat to return to normal, who should casually saunter up to the trio? None other than the great Brian Kinney, smirk in place and looking as gorgeous as ever. Emmett and Daphne, chuckled when they heard the blond’s sharp intake of breath and audible sigh as he appeared. “Hey,” came his infamous greeting as his hazel eyes focused only on the glistening baby blues; ignoring the other two standing there. Smiling shyly, the blond replied in kind. Justin felt his heart rate accelerate again as intense looks passed between he and Brian. “Ahmm,” Emmett cleared his throat to get their attention. “Hey Em; Daphne.” Brian finally acknowledged the two that had been standing there watching the interaction between the two men. He leaned over and kissed Daphne on the cheek. “Hi Brian,” Daphne shyly greeted; feeling the warm heat edge up on her face as Brian kissed her; she always seemed to get flustered around him. “Hey Brian, Justin is celebrating his graduation from PIFA,” Emmett proudly announced. “Is that so,” raising a brow, Brian replied as he noticed a faint blush creep up and color the blond’s pale complexion. “Well, I guess I’ll have to come up with a way of congratulating him,” he said, tongue in cheek. “Mind if I have a dance with him?” he asked no one in particular as he took hold of Justin’s hand and led him to the dance floor. Emmett and Daphne looked at each other. “Oh, oh I think we’re in for the Brian and Justin floor show,” Emmett remarked after recalling the last time the two had hit the dance floor. “Come on Baby girl, let’s you and I get out there and do some dancing of our own,” he said as her pulling her onto the floor. Entering the crowd of dancers, Brian turned to face Justin and placed his right hand lightly on his waist. Bodies mere inches apart, hearts beating wildly, their gazes heatedly locked onto one another, their bodies slowly began moving in time with the music. As the rhythm of the song intensified, it was reflected in their movements. Justin’s head tilted back exposing the gentle arch of his neck, and his eyes closed as he felt Brian’s arms wrap tightly around him to pull him closer. Instinctively, Justin draped his arms around his partner’s neck, and their hips ground against each other in synchronized movements. Just like the last time, the two men let the music consume them, and everyone and everything around them seemed to disappear; it was just the two of them in the middle of the floor. Lust clouded his green eyes and turned them almost a dull gray as Brian observed the tilt of Justin’s head, the graceful lines, and the flawless beauty of his silky skin. No longer could he resist the temptation and leaned in and inhaled the blond’s fresh scent. Tracing his full lips along the contour of his pale neck, he stopped at the base and left his mark. Justin allowed a soft moan to escape from his lips as the sensation of Brian’s tongue left him wanting more. As the dance continued, Brian positioned his right thigh at the junction between Justin’s legs and felt him grow hard beneath the gentle pressure he applied, and the sensations Brian created coursed through his body as Justin pressed himself closer wanting a release but knew none was forthcoming. Justin realized too, that Brian was having similar reactions, and he felt the man’s erection rubbing up against his hip. Teasing him, Justin applied more pressure and smiled to himself when he elicited a groan from the man. Needing a quick release, Brian decided to take matters into his own hands. Hooking his fingers onto the waist of Justin’s pants, he started pulling the blond off the dance floor. At the sudden change of movement, the younger man’s eyes flew open as he quickly recognized the direction Brian was pulling him in. Abruptly, he grabbed Brian by the wrist, gaining his attention. “What are you doing?” Justin demanded; not liking the turn of events. Granted they had probably both provoked each other into a wanton state of desire, but he was not going to let it culminate in some backroom. He had decided long ago what he wanted from Brian and a quick fuck in the backroom wasn’t it. Others would think his logic was insane for refusing him, because Brian didn’t do repeats, but the idea that he wanted to fuck Justin again meant something. Surprise, registered in the hazel eyes as he looked at Justin. He thought he had read the blond right and that a trip to the backroom would take care of what they both wanted and needed. Apparently he was wrong when he noticed the fury in the eyes that glared hard at him. “Where do you think we’re going?” Brian looked over at Justin as if he was daft. “Don’t tell me you don’t want it too,” he commented defensively. By now, all eyes were focused on the drama that was unfolding between the stud of Liberty Avenue and the hot blond twink. Some couldn’t believe that anyone would turn down a trip to the backroom with Brian Kinney; his fucks were legendary. There are some that would give anything to even be noticed by him. Michael, Ted, Emmett and Daphne were standing by the bar deep in conversation when Ted pointed out to the group that something was taking place toward the back of the dance floor. Heads turned to see Justin and Brian glaring each other. Daphne was about to go over to make sure her friend was all right, when she felt a gentle hand on her arm preventing her from leaving. “Hey Em, what are you doing? Let me go. I need to see if Justin’s okay.” “Oh, Sweetie, I think Sunshine is doing just fine on his own. I don’t think he’s the one that’s going to need the help,” Emmett laughed out loud. “Yeah, I think Brian has met his match,” Ted added, smiling. Even though Brian was his friend, there were times he’d like to see him brought down a peg or two and it seemed like it was going to happen tonight. As usual Michael stepped in to defend his best friend. “What does the twink think he’s doing? He should be grateful Brian even pays attention to him.” Hearing Michael’s comment, Emmett and Daphne looked at each other, shaking their heads and rolling the eyes, doing their best to ignore the indignant man. As things continued, Justin could be heard saying “Well, it won’t be to any backroom with you, that’s for sure.” Moving in closer, and lowering his voice to just above a whisper so that only Brian could hear him, Justin reached out, softly stroking the older man’s cheek, “I want more from you, Brian. I don’t want to be a quick trip to the backroom. I’ve always wanted more.” Sadly, Justin looked into the depths of those hazel eyes and knew Brian wouldn’t give him what he wanted. After one final last glance, Justin headed toward the exit with Daphne quickly running to catch up. Brian stood there for a moment his eyes transfixed on the back of the blond’s head as he exited the club, a look of sadness washing over his features, but it disappeared as fast as it had come and only those who knew him well would have noticed it. He looked around and realized the attention he was drawing. His mask of indifference fell back into place and he strode past his friends, ignoring the sympathetic looks that were being cast his way. He stepped out of the club into the cool night air, and as it washed against his skin it caused him to shiver. He paused to light a cigarette, and inhaled deeply hoping to calm the emotions that raced through him. Quickly getting into his ‘Vette, he pealed away from the curb wanting desperately to get back to the loft; he needed a shot, or two, or ten of his favorite vice. Hoping that the Beam would help to keep the images of Justin and their last encounter at bay. After entering the loft, Brian headed directly for his bottle of Beam. Unscrewing the cap, he drank greedily from the bottle; the amber liquid burning his throat on the way down. The he walked over to the leather sofa and settled in for a long night. He planned on doing some serious drinking; enough to numb his mind and take away any thought that wanted to invade it. He held the bottle in one hand as he leaned his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes. He laid his other arm across his forehead to shield his eyes from the vision he knew would soon appear. Halfway through the bottle he realized that the drinking wasn’t working. His mind kept echoing Justin’s words; “I want more from you, Brian. I’ve always wanted more.” Flashes of sad, blue eyes set under soft, blond hair, and that sunshine smile kept swirling through his mind. Fuck, what it is about this kid that makes me so fucking crazy? On the other side of town, the morning rose clear and sunny. Up early the two friends entered the dining establishment they waved at Debbie. “Hey you two. How are you doing?” “Fine,” they responded in unison. “Grab a seat and I’ll be right over to take your order.” As soon as they found a booth Debbie walked over. “Hey, Daph long time no see. What’s been keeping you away?” “Oh, you know the usual; school, work, more school, and more work,” Daph sighed. “What no time for men?” the waitress questioned and laughed when she saw the young woman grimace. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Deb. Men, what’s that,” She smiled at her rhetorical question. “Between work and school, the only men I get to see are either frozen or too busy with their own lives.” “Frozen?” “Yeah, I work in the lab part-time,” Daphne replied, laughing at the expression on the red head’s face. “Oh, right. Well what can I get you two?” Sitting in the diner on a Saturday morning having breakfast with Daphne was a rare occurrence these days and the two friends chatted amiably about how their week had gone. It seemed between working at the gallery, the diner and trying to work on his own art, Justin never saw his friend and with Daphne being caught up in graduate school and working part-time in the lab their paths crossed like ships in the night. Finally it seemed they both had some time off and decided having breakfast together would be nice for a change before they both had to head off in opposite directions for the rest of the day. “What are your plans?” Justin questioned. “Well I thought…” Daphne paused in mid-sentence as Justin’s cell phone interrupted her. Flipping open his phone, Justin recognized the number of his grandparents. “Hi, he responded always happy to hear from them. “What,” he exclaimed, his face suddenly gone pale. Daphne became concerned when she noticed the change that came over him. Reaching across the table she took his hand and felt a slight tremble. She squeezed it gently. Feeling him squeeze her back, she offered whatever moral support she could even though she didn’t know what was being said. “Okay, I’ll be right there.” Disconnecting the call, his shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes for a moment to let the news sink in. “Jus? Jus? Are you all right?” Daphne spoke softly, giving the hand she was holding a gentle shake to get his attention. Opening his eyes slowly, and blinking a couple of times, he seemed disoriented and lost. He sat staring at Daphne as if he was looking right through her. “Jus?” Daphne’s voice sounded frantic. He was really beginning to scare her. “Justin what’s going on?” she demanded. “He’s dead,” Justin replied in flat monotone voice. “What…who’s dead?” Her tone got louder and started to attract the attention of the other diners nearby. Debbie turned around to see why the diner had suddenly quieted. Following the direction of their looks, she noticed a look of panic on Daphne’s face and the pale look that had washed over her Sunshine. Quickly coming around the counter, she joined the two in the booth; her motherly concern taking over. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” she asked as she took hold of Justin’s hand and noticed how cold it was. Looking at the woman who had become a surrogate mother to him, his expression blank and unreadable, he mumbled “My dad’s dead.” An audible gasp was heard from both women who sat holding his clammy hands. “Oh, Sunshine I’m so sorry.” Wrapping her arm around his shoulder, softly hugging him. Debbie knew that Justin had not been in contact with his father for years, but it was still a shock to learn that he had died. “Is there anything I can do for you?” Shaking his head to clear the jumbled thoughts that were running through it he looked at Debbie as if just noticing her for the first time. “Huh?” He looked blankly at the source of the voice. It felt as if he was in a cocoon and everything seemed muffled. “I said is there anything I can do for you?” “Ah, no. I have to get to my grandparents house. They wanted me there right away,” he said as he fumbled around for the keys. “Sweetie, what are you looking for?” Debbie questioned. “My keys, where are my keys?” “You’re holding them in you hand.” “Oh.” “Look why don’t you let Daphne drive you to your grandparents and you can come back later to get your car or better yet I’ll have Mikey drive it over. I don’t think you should be driving right now,” Debbie suggested. “That’s a good idea, Justin. Let me take you there,” Daphne agreed. “But you have plans,” the blond reminded her. “It wasn’t anything important. It’s more important I be with you right now and get you to your grandparents. You’re in no condition to drive,” she stately firmly. Looking at his friends with a combination of sadness and uncertainty, he smiled gratefully at their for being there for him. “That’s a good idea, Honey,” Debbie remarked to Daphne. “Don’t worry about the car, I’ll get Mikey and one of the guys to drive it over.” she reaffirmed as she slid out of the booth. Dropping a few bills on the table to pay for their meals, Justin and Daphne removed themselves from the booth and prepared to leave. Giving Sunshine one of her bear hug embraces, Debbie was relieved as she felt him relax into her. Stroking his cheek, she kissed him warmly, whispering “I’m here if you need me.” Smiling gratefully at the woman who had come to mean a lot to him, Justin thanked and kissed her, then turned and walked out of the diner. When they got into the car, a silence enveloped them. Daphne wasn’t sure what to say. She knew Justin had not spoken with his dad since he left Bennington, but even so, hearing news that one’s father had died was still a shock. She kept silent knowing that he needed some time to come to terms with what he had just learned. Reaching for the radio, keeping the volume low, she found a station that played soft rock to fill the void. Justin just sat there; a jumble of thoughts racing through his mind. It was hard to believe his dad was dead. What was he suppose to feel about a man who had thrown him out of his home and disowned him; sadness, anger, hatred… maybe even happiness? All he felt right now was numbness and shock. In some far recess of his heart he had always hoped that one day there would be a reconciliation between he and his father, but now there was no chance of that. Daphne pulled up to the house and the two of them sat in silence for a moment gathering strength before stepping out of the car. Using his key, the two friends entered the home and found Justin’s grandparents sitting in the kitchen having tea and talking quietly. Looking at his grandmother, he could tell she’d been crying; her eyes were still puffy and red. “Hey,” Justin spoke softly as he walked over to his grandmother and gave her a hug, then turned to his grandfather and hugged him as well. “Hi Sweetie, we’re so sorry we had to be the bearer of bad news,” the older women stated. “But your mother called us this morning to let us know. She was really hysterical, so the details are a bit sketchy. We told her we would catch the first flight we could and be there as soon as possible.” “Okay,” Justin quietly acknowledged. “Did she say how Molly was doing?” “She’s doing okay, but we couldn’t get much information from your mother; she was very upset,” his grandfather replied. “When will we be leaving and is there anything Mom needs us to do before we get there?” “No, but we will need to make the necessary arrangements for your father when we get there. We were able to get a flight tomorrow at nine o’clock in the morning,” the older man stated. “Mr. & Mrs. Bryant, I’d be more than happy to drive all of you to the airport tomorrow, I’ll be here around six thirty,” Daphne offered. “That’s very kind of you Daphne, but we’ll take a taxi and meet Justin at the airport; you can drive him over.” “Sure, not a problem,” Daphne replied. “Okay, I’ll go home and pack, and we’ll meet you tomorrow,” Justin said quietly before walking over and hugging his grandparents one more time before leaving. The flight went smoothly and before they knew it they had landed, gathered their luggage, rented a car, and were on their way to Justin’s mother’s house. As they drove along the streets and highways, Justin noticed that not much had changed while he’d been away. Silence hung heavy in the confines of the small car as the familiar sights brought back a rush of fresh memories and it saddened him that he was returning the way he left; on such an unhappy note. Each of the car’s occupants appeared to be lost in their thoughts as the car sped along; each wondering what lay ahead in the days to follow. Arrangements had to be made, family and friends contacted, and business issues resolved. There was a lot that needed to be done and most of the work was going to fall on Justin’s and his grandfather’s shoulders. The crunch of the tires on the gravel driveway signaled their arrival. Justin had barely gotten out of the car when he found his arms full of an exuberant twelve year old. “Jussy, I’ve missed you so much,” Molly exclaimed excitedly as she flung herself at her brother, wrapping her arms around him in a huge hug. “Hey, Mollusk I’ve missed you too,” Justin said huskily, hugging his sister tightly. He had missed her but he didn’t realize just how just much until she was in his arms. “How’ve you been, kiddo?” “Oh, I’ve doing okay, but mom’s kind of out of it,” she replied sadly. “Sweetheart, got a hug for your old grandparents?” her grandmother gently chided. “Sorry Grandma,” Molly replied as she went and hugged them both. “It’s good to see you and I’m glad you’re here.” “Well Sweetie, we’re happy to see you too,” the older man stated as he tightly embraced the young girl. “Let’s grab the suitcases and head on in.” After gathering their things from the car, Justin was the last to enter the house. He stood at the threshold for a minute remembering the last time he stood in the same spot. It was such a feeling of déjà vu as he crossed over and looked around. Not much had changed and yet it seemed that everything had. His attention elsewhere, he didn’t notice his mother entering the room until he heard quiet voices off to the side. His eyes drawn to the trio quietly talking, he had time to observe his mother’s disheveled appearance and puffy, red-rimmed eyes. It was so unlike her, but under the circumstances it shouldn’t have been so surprising. He stood rooted to the spot unsure about approaching her. The voices quieted, as Jennifer saw her son standing near his sister and watching her. Tentatively taking a few steps, she found herself standing in front of the son she had abandoned. “Justin, it’s good to see you,” his mother whispered softly, reaching out to caress his cheek. Feeling him slightly flinch at her touch, she quickly pulled her hand back as if she was burned. She had missed her firstborn terribly, but Craig wouldn’t allow her contact him, so she kept tabs on him and the going’s on in his life through her parents. She wanted so badly to reach out and hold him; to let him know that she loved him, but quickly realized that the time wasn’t right. “Mom,” he greeted hesitantly. At this point he wasn’t sure what he felt about seeing the woman who had deserted him. The two stood silently assessing one another; each with so much to say but the words wouldn’t come; each wondering if they could ever repair the rift between them. Jennifer knew if she was ever given a chance to heal their wounds, she would do whatever it took to make it up to her son. “Jen,” her mother gently interrupted. “Shall we take one of the spare bedrooms upstairs?” “Oh, sure Mom,” Jennifer replied, being pulled out of her thoughts. “Molly, why don’t you help your grandparents with their things.” Turning back to face her son, “Justin, you can have your old room.” “Sure …thanks,” Justin acknowledged as he quickly gathered his things and headed upstairs. He felt a strong need to get behind closed doors and pull himself together. Seeing his mother after so many years had proven very difficult and he wasn’t sure about all of the feelings running through him. On one hand, he missed her; he wanted to be angry but he also felt sorry for her… after all she’s lost a husband. So many emotions churned inside him and suddenly he felt as if he couldn’t breath and needed to escape. Jennifer stood at the bottom of the stairs and sadly watched her son. She hoped things wouldn’t be so awkward, but she shouldn’t have expected anything more. She had to make things right between them. How else would she be able to ask him to come back home now that Craig was gone? After their arrival, Jennifer gladly relinquished control of preparations as fear and grief immobilized her. Craig had always taken care of everything from operating the inn, to running the family; seldom had she been consulted on matters regarding either. The next few days were hectic for Justin and his grandfather as they shouldered the responsibility of notifying friends and family of the arrangements the had made for Craig’s services; which were going to be kept simple. It would be held on the mountain, in a beautiful cove of statuesque, pine trees, with a view of the summit above and inn below. As the early morning glow of the sun peeked over the horizon, the feel of early autumn could be felt in the crisp, cool air. Ever since his arrival Justin had made it his habit to awaken early and watch the sunrise; his favorite view from his former bedroom window. He’d sit quietly, savoring the scenery and occasionally the urge would strike and he’d seek out his sketchpad and start drawing. He used everything from charcoal to color pencils to capture everything from a tree sparrow perched on a pine bough, to the myriad of colors displayed in the sky as the sun rose to greet the day. Reluctantly, Justin set aside his sketchpad, to get ready for the day ahead. The mountainside service was to be held at midmorning with a reception to follow. He could hear his grandparents downstairs; preparing for the deluge of guests that would descend upon the house after the services. Hearing a soft knock, he pushed aside all thoughts and pulled open the door to see his sister standing on the other side. “Hey, Mollusk what’s up? You okay?” “Yeah, I guess so. Sometimes I’m not sure what I should be feeling. I kind of miss him, and yet I’m still mad at him for sending you away,” his sister stated sadly. “That’s understandable, Molly. It’s a confusing time for everyone,” he gently explained. “What about you, Justin? How do you feel?” Releasing a mirthless chuckle, Justin thought about how confused he was about his father’s death. “I’m not sure what I’m feeling Molly. I know I should feel sad, after all he was our father. But on the other hand, he threw me out and disowned me; so I’m having a hard time feeling much like a son. “Family and friends; we are here today not to mourn the passing of Craig Jonathan Taylor but to celebrate his life…” the voice of Reverend Tom echoed through Justin’s brain. He stood amongst the group of mourners, his mind not really focusing on the words being spoken, but, instead, it was reflecting on the last time he had seen his father; over 4 years ago. Recalling the events of that day… the things that led to all the hateful words his father had spewed; finally sealing it by saying he no longer had a son. Even after so many years, the hate he had seen burning in the older man’s eyes still haunted him and could slice through his psyche like a sharp blade. Justin shivered slightly, and pulled his coat tighter, as the crisp fall air brought a chill to his bones. He stood looking up at the cloudless, blue sky and noticed rays of sunlight pouring through a grove of nearby trees like a beacon signaling their son home. He thought it a bit ironic to see light from above when, he felt as if the gates of hell should open, with its flames bursting forth, to swallow up his dad. “Before we consign our brother Craig to the arms of a loving and benevolent Father, let us bow our heads in a moment of silent prayer,” Reverend Tom solemnly instructed. Lost in thought, Justin didn’t even notice the silence that had descended until he looked up to see heads bowed. Looking around the group that had come to mourn his father, he wondered if they truly believed he had been the kind of man that God would welcome with open arms. Hearing a soft sniffle, he turned and his eyes feel on his mother. He noticed her shoulders trembling as she tried to stifle the sobs that threatened to escape. His heart ached as he watched her mourn the man she had known most of her adult life. A wave of sympathy washed over him and a need to protect her from the cruelties of life overcame him. He gently wrapped his arm around his mother and in that moment, silently forgiving her. Deep down he realized she hadn’t abandoned him by choice, but as a result of a hateful and vengeful husband. Jennifer leaned into the embrace, and took hold of her son’s free hand and softly squeezed it to acknowledge his show of support. She closed her eyes for a moment against the sunlight that glinted off the landscape, and offered a silent prayer of thanks for bringing her son back to her. As Reverend Tom opened the urn, a gentle breeze appeared much like the breath of God intent on guiding the ashes of a lost soul home. After inviting everyone back to the house for a small reception, the family lingered at the gravesite alone for a moment so that each could say their own private goodbyes. The reverend stood a discreet distance away offering his comfort through his presence and comforting the family in the only way he knew how. Several days later, Justin was in his room packing in preparation for his return to Pittsburgh when he heard someone knock on the door. “Come in,” Justin called out. His mother opened the door and stood in doorway, hesitating a moment before entering. “You’re packing?” she asked. “Yeah, it’s time I got back to work. I told them I’d be back in a week.” “Justin, Honey, we need to talk.” Seating herself on the corner of the bed, she looked down at the hands she had folded in her lap and wondered where to begin. She felt that she should tell her son everything if she ever hoped to make things right between them. Haltingly she began, “I never wanted your dad to send you away…” “But you didn’t do anything to stop him,” he burst out, interrupting her in mid- sentence. Patiently beginning again, “You’re right I didn’t; I had no choice… and I was scared. I’d been with him since college, and he always handled everything. I suppose I just let him; from our personal life to business matters. I had no clue of how to do anything, except for those few things that he allowed me to do. I’m not even sure I can balance the checkbook, or if I know how much money we have in the bank. I was so afraid that if he left me I would lose everything; especially the business which your great-grandparents started, and I knew if I sent you to my parents that you’d be loved and well taken care of.” She stopped talking, and he saw tears silently running unchecked down her cheeks. “Mom, you were my parents. You were the ones that were supposed to be taking care of me and loving me… despite my sexual preferences; not grandma and grandpa. Don’t get me wrong, I love both of them and they have been very good to me, but it’s just not the same. Do you know how many nights I laid in bed, wishing I was home with you; wondering why you couldn’t love me even if I was gay. Do you realize how much, whenever something good happened, I wanted to be able to share all of it with you and Dad. Do you realize how much of my life you’ve missed? Do you know what it’s like to feel abandoned and unwanted by your own parents?” All of the anger he had held back came forth in the form of unanswered questions; things that had been pent up inside him erupted like molten lava. His emotions ran the gamut from sadness, to anger, then disgust, and finally to pity as he looked at the woman in front of him who seemed broken in spirit because she realized what had been missed. And, he, perhaps for the first time understood what it had cost her. Sighing heavily, he sat on the bed and looked at her; his own eyes mirroring the sadness he saw reflected in hers. “Where do we go from here?” he asked softly. “I can’t change what has been done Justin; all I can do is hope that someday you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I hope you will believe that I’m truly sorry for being such a coward. But while that is progressing I’d like for us to start over; get reacquainted. I would like you to move back to Bennington and take over the business.” Shock registered in his face when he heard the suggestion. He had always hoped that he’d return one day, but he wasn’t sure if he was quite ready. He’d established his life in Pittsburgh, had a job he loved, and friends he’d miss; especially Daphne, who had always been there for him in good and rough times. Then there was Debbie and the guys. He liked his life and what he had accomplished so far. “I’m not ready to come back, Mom. I like where I am and what I’m doing.” Even as gently as he had stated his feelings, he still noticed the hurt and disappointment register in his mother’s eyes. “But Justin, I would really love for us to be a family again.” She sounded a bit desperate. “And besides I’m going to need help to run the business.” “Is that the real reason you want me home? ‘Cause you can’t manage the business on your own?” he questioned, upset that the real reason his mom wanted him to move back was so that she wouldn’t have to deal with everything. “No, of course not,” she insisted. “ I can always hire a manager, although it would be much better if family over saw things. The real reason is that I miss you and I want you back where you belong. Justin stood up and walked over to his favorite spot by the window and looked out at the changing landscape, and thought that it would be soon it would be covered in white. I love being home, he thought, but I don’t think the time is right for me to move back. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am and I want to pursue the path I’ve established. I don’t want any regrets later. When he turned to face his mother, she knew by the look on his face what his answer would be. “Mom, I’m not ready to move back yet. I might change my mind once I get back to Pittsburgh, but right now that is where I want to be.” Looking at her he doubted if she understood. Pushing herself off the bed, she walked over to her son, and gently enfolded him in a hug, “Sure, Sweetie I understand,” she said sadly. “I’ll miss you.” “It’s not like I can’t fly back on long weekends or when I have time off from work. In fact, you’ll probably get tired of seeing me,” he chuckled softly. “That will never happen, and the door will always be open.” “Thanks Mom. What will you do about running the place?” “Your grandfather will stay for a while until I can find someone. We’ve already discussed the possibility and he’s more than willing.” “Okay, that’s good. Well, I guess I’d better finish packing; I leave first thing in the morning.” Turning to leave, she paused and turned back to face her son, “Justin, I’m glad we had this chance to talk and I do hope that you will come home soon.” She left before he could see the sadness in her eyes. She had hoped that he would’ve moved back without hesitation, but she couldn’t blame him. He had another life in Pittsburgh. Walking back over to the bed Justin sat down heavily, placed his elbows on his knees and rubbed his hands over his face. He was frustrated; torn between wanting to stay and feeling guilty for wanting his own life. After all, it hadn’t been his choice to move to Pittsburgh in the first place, but he’d made the best of it and was actually enjoying his life there; especially the freedom it afforded. Besides, like he told his mother, he could always change his mind. on to # 6