Song Fic - "How Do I Live" sung by Trisha Yearwood Notes: To my husband Jim who is my everything. Elsa Rose who's friendship inspired me to try writing My first attempt at writing and perhaps my last. Enjoy! ************************************************************************ It's been five years since we first met under that street lamp on Liberty Avenue. And as I reflect back, it has not been the easiest period of my life but it certainly has been the best. From the moment I laid eyes on this beautiful man, I knew my life would never be the same. I knew he was my soulmate. Although throughout our relationship he had difficulty admitting it-"Brian Kinney doesn't do relationships" kind of guy I always knew. I didn't need the words. I knew by his actions, his caresses, the look in those hazel colored eyes, and yes those passionate kisses, these moments told me what he couldn't verbalize. That he did love me with all his heart and soul. As I sit here watching my lover, my partner, and my soulmate sleep, a song starts to play on the stereo which sums up my feelings for the man who has brought so much into my life.-"How Do I Live" by Trisha Yearwood. As the lyrics drift softly through the air, I reflect back on out life together- "How do I get through a night without you" I can't even begin to imagine a night without him, let alone a day or for that matter my whole life. My very existence centers round this man. His love wraps me in a cocoon and shelters me from all the terrible things that have happened or could ever happen to me. I wouldn't be able to sleep in this bed without him; next to me feeling his warmth and drinking in his scent that I've come to know so well. The bed would seem so cold; like being in the middle of the vast ocean - empty and so alone. "If I had to live without you" The thought of him never being in my life is not an option I'd even consider. He is my soulmate and I his. Just a touch or a look from one another and we both know what the other one is thinking or feeling. We always shared this kind of connection. Our friends would be amazed sometimes at the connection we have but they never got to see the real man, only I did-they only saw what he wanted them to see and many times it isn't always pretty. He feels that they always perceive him as an unfeeling, uncaring person, "no excuses, no apologies, no regrets," but in reality he has feelings like we all do but he keeps them hidden behind his walls, and only lets a few special people in to see that he can feel and hurt just as deeply as you or I. "What kind of life would that be" All I know is that it would not be much of a life - it would only be a shell. I would only be existing-not living. As an artist it would be like having a bland canvass-just that, a plain white space. But living with him my canvass has exploded with color, all my emotions that I feel for this man would be displayed in the brightest, boldest colors imaginable. He brings out the best in me and I feel I bring out the best in him. "Oh I need you in my arms, need you to hold" After I got hit in the head with the bat wielded by Chris Hobbs, there were nights when the only relief I would get from my nightmares was when he would wrap me tightly in his arms. Holding me close and reassuring me that I was safe, protected and most of all loved. Even when the world seems to be pulling me down, all he has to do is embrace me with his strong arms and all the bad things that went on disappears in a cloud of smoke. No matter what was happening in my life whenever he held me I knew I was going to be alright, that no harm would come to me. He would move heaven and earth to be there for me; to protect me; and yes love me. As he sleeps with his arms wrapped around me holding me close to his warm body I could remain like this forever, keeping the whole world at bay safe in the knowledge that he is mine. "You're my world, my heart, my soul" Truer words have never been spoken. He is my everything-my world, my heart, my soul-life as I know it would cease to exist-I would be like a dying person taking his last breath. The world would come to an end for me. It would be like taking all the stars out of the sky-everything would delve into blackness. There would be no way I could go on-he is "everything good in my life." He has taught me how to love, how to be myself, and most of all to be proud of who I am. He may not have always expressed it in words, but it was always reflected in his actions-by this examples. "If you ever leave baby you would take away everything good in my life and tell me not" If he walked out that door, all the goodness he has brought into my life would be gone. He might as well tear out my heart and stomp on it. In his own cynical way he showed me that there is good in life and he has taught me how to appreciate what I have and to cherish each and every moment. I would do everything in my power to never give him any reason to want to leave me and take away all the good that he has brought into my life. "Without you" "There would be no sun in my sky, there would be no love in my life, there'd be no world left for me" His love and beauty is the sun in my sky and without him there would be total eclipse. There would be no world for me without him in it to share and experience all that it has to offer. Together we will step forth and grab everything that life is giving us and lock it away in our hearts forever. "And I, baby, I don't know what I would do, I'd be lost if I lost you" It is with certainty that I can state that I wouldn't know what I'd do if he wasn't around-I would definitely be lost if I lost him. People are always telling me that it's a lot of bullshit but they fail to realize how much our hearts, mind and soul are connected. Our hearts beat as one and our minds think alike and our souls were meant to be together forever. "How do I live without you?" "I want to know" "How do I breathe without you/" "If you ever go" "How do I ever, survive" "How do I, how do I, how do I" There is no doubt in my mind, and I truly believe he feels the same way, although getting him to admit it would be like pulling teeth. I would be totally devastated if I lost him. It would be like I'm suffocating, trying to gasp for my last breath. I would not be able to breathe without his love and beauty surrounding me everyday. He may not think so-he's always telling me I would go on but we both know that if we lost each other neither one of us would survive. So as I sit here watching this beautiful man, my lover, my partner and my soulmate, sleep I know I will do anything to keep him in my life because he represents everything that is good in it. We will never have to answer the question "how do I survive" because for us there is no answer-we just will. Return to Susan's Index