Notes: To my husband-For always believing in me.
Elsa Rose- Thank you for the plot bunny and the encouragement
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It’s been 9 months, 3 weeks, 4 days, and 12 hours since the Rage party and the last night I was with Justin; I could probably give the exact time down to the seconds if I had to. Shoving him off that cliff was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to. In order to deal with my loss, I resort to my own form of pain management; alcohol, drugs and sex. This is the only way I can erase from my memory, at least until they all wear off, the look on Sunshine’s face as he walked out of Babylon with that fucking fiddler. Whenever I remember the look on his face my breath catches and my heart shatters into a million pieces. Time and time again, I have tried to convince myself that pushing him away was the right thing to do.
I didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did. It’s like a dull ache that never seems to go away. I miss my blonde lover, although I would never admit it to anyone. Pushing him away was something I had to do and something I believe he needed. It was essential that he experience life to it’s fullest, the way all young people should, and not be tied down to just one person. I wanted him to meet people his own age, share similar experiences with them, and in general just be a kid out to conquer the world.
He entered my life like a bolt of lightening, racing through the heavens and splintering the dark night sky; his sunshine smile chasing away the gloom of my lonely existence. I never thought I could or would fall for someone like him but he had a way of weaving himself into my heart. Never giving up on me until he realized I would not, or maybe could not give him what he needed.
It was one helluva a long day and I’m totally beat. A campaign I had been working on had finally come to fruition. The client had been a total pain in the ass to work with and we kept having to go back to make changes, but in the end it all worked out and the client finally gave his final approval and signed a multi-million dollar advertising contract. To celebrate, Vance and I took the client to the Park Hyatt’s, Philadelphia Library Lounge for drinks. After a few rounds I was ready to call it a night and head back home; hopefully get a full night’s sleep. I excused myself, claiming an exhaustive day and walked out into the cold night air to have the valet retrieve my Jeep. Waiting impatiently at the curb of the hotel, a vision of a blonde catches me out of the corner of my eye. Feeling like someone had knocked the wind out of me, I knew instinctively it was him; it was….. Justin. He was as beautiful as ever and I could not believe he was standing no more than a few feet away. Not seeing him in the nine months since the Rage party I wanted to run over to him and envelop him in my arms and kiss away the sadness hidden in those crystal blue eyes and never let him go, whispering to him the three words he needed to hear. Instead, I hesitantly took a few steps toward him and waited.
At the insistence of his ex-wife, Craig Taylor had agreed to have dinner with his son to try to work some sort of peaceful co-existence between the two of them. It had been a shocking realization to find out your only son was gay, and it had caused a rift between all sides that was as huge as the Grand Canyon. Wanting to understand Justin, his father called him to arrange to meet for dinner at the Founders Restaurant in the Park Hyatt.
Hesitant at first, to accept his father’s invitation, Justin eventually decided to meet with him. After all, he was his father and he did miss having him as a part of his life, although he didn’t think real togetherness would be happening anytime soon. Still he wanted to go, so he agreed to the dinner, which went surprisingly well, and after the first few minutes of awkwardness father and son fell into an easy conversation staying clear of any topic related to sexuality. We talked about school and art, movies and books I had recently seen or read, and how Dad’s business was doing. When dinner was over I walked Dad out and waited with him until his car was brought around. Seeing him off, I stood there for a few minutes enjoying the cold, crisp night air and admiring the beauty of a black night sky sprinkled with the brilliance of millions of stars.
Sensing someone watching me, my heart started to race, and I knew even before I turned my head it was Brian. We’ve always had this connection of knowing when the other was near, and I could not believe that he was no more than a stone’s throw away. Feeling his hazel eyes boring into to me, I turned slowly until, the sight of him took my breath away. Suddenly all the old feelings of longing and desire flooded over me as I see him standing there like an enigma. Realizing how much I have missed him, I have to suppress an urge to run over and wrap my arms around his neck and never let him go. Instead, we each take tentative steps towards one another; afraid that if we move to fast, one of us might take flight and run in the opposite direction.
When I held out my arms, Justin silently and knowingly walked into the warm embrace, and we stood there for a while relishing the feel of being close to one another again. After a moment, I take his hand carefully and entwine his slim fingers into my stronger ones, as he lets himself be led away. As we turn towards the hotel, and enter, I make my way to the front desk and register. A few moments later, still not saying a word to each other but silently knowing that this encounter is something that both of us have been wanting, we make their way to our room.
The pale moonlight streaming through the window is all the light we need as we enter the room. I gently enfold my lover into my arms breathing in his familiar scent, and I revel in his closeness. God, how I have has missed my baby. How could I ever have thought that pushing him out of my life was the right thing to do. I could stand here holding him forever; never letting him go, but instead I gently take his hand and slowly lead him to the bed. Kissing and nibbling him behind his ear, I slowly undress him as my lips become reacquainted with the feel of his skin. Slowly, silently, reverently I lay Justin gently on the bed and gaze upon the beauty before me. As I carefully caress his body, I store away memories that I can recall on long and lonely nights when these memories are all I might have of my lover.
As our lips come in contact, the heat of our passion touches our very souls. My tongue brushes against Justin’s soft silky lips and they part, to allow me access. I savor the taste of once forgotten feelings. Slowly tracing the contours of Justin’s neck, I brand him with my bite. My tongue journeys down my lover’s chest licking and nibbling one nipple and then seeking the other; tugging on his ring I hear him gasp and moan as the sensation spills over him like the ocean tide. Tenderly taking hold of his swollen shaft my tongue lightly flicks against the tip eliciting a moan deep within him. I feel Justin begin to writhe beneath me, but I refuse to rush wanting to prolong this moment by slowly trailing my way up and down his organ before I finally engulf him in the warmth of my mouth. My mind is awash with memories of times past, as I remember making love slowly and silently, and I want to make new memories, of better times together. Refusing to rush, wanting to savor this time I flip Justin onto his stomach and begin to lick my way down his spine till I reach the top of his creamy white mounds. Reverently moving my hands across his skin I gently part his cheeks and let my eager tongue seek his hole. Swirling and dipping as waves of pleasure overcome him, his hips begin to push back against me, but I continue to taste him and explore his warmth. As his moans become louder, I push him onto his back again, knowing he can no longer hold back, I search for the lube and condom.
Wanting to see into the depths of his blues eyes as we come I pull his slender hips towards me and gently lift his legs over my shoulders. Preparing him, I insert a finger into his hole and, take my time so he can adjust to the intrusion. Gazing into his eyes, he silently acknowledges what he has been wanting. Placing the tip of my cock against his hole, I slowly ease my way into his tight tunnel. Feeling him relax, I start to thrust, slowly at first, in and out stoking the fire within. His eyes glaze over and turn a rich shade of sapphire as he nears the edge of no return. This is the look I yearn for, this is what I have missed, knowing that we are making love, not simply having sex. As passion starts to overcome us, I speed up the rhythm of my thrusts, each time going deeper and deeper. As I reach for Justin’s cock and stroke it in time to my thrusts, his hole spasms around my shaft and as the essences of my being spills forth, his creamy liquid spurts and mixes with the sweat of our love making. I collapse on top of him, holding him tightly, inhaling his warm scent, and wait until our breathing returns to normal.
Enjoying the sensation of skin touching skin, I lightly trace the contours of Brian’s muscular back with the tips of my fingers as he gently makes his way down my body causing wave after wave of pleasure to wash over me. This is how it should be, this is how I remember it. No one else can make me feel the way Brian does, and I want to cry for all the times we have missed by being apart. Before I can begin to give into the sadness he has me on my stomach. The sensual feel of his velvety tongue trails down my spine finding it’s way to my hole as he swirls and thrusts, making me squirm with undeniable pleasure. Knowing my body signals like that of an experienced lover, he moves me on my back once again and I stare deep into those hazel orbs, silently telling him of the love I have for him. In that one brief moment as our eyes meet he silently tells me what I have longed to hear for so long.
Exhausted, I take my baby and wrap my arms around him like a warm blanket. Feeling him snuggle against me. I watch, consumed with gentleness as he falls into a deep sleep. I lay awake not wanting to miss a moment of our time together; it feels so right to have him beside me. How did I survive the last 9 months, 3 weeks, 4 days and 12 hours without him. It seems like the entire time we’ve been apart, I have been walking through a dense fog fighting my way, searching to find that ray of hope at the end of a long journey; a journey that will lead me back into the arms of my blonde lover and make my heart feel whole again.
As the morning’s first rays of sun peek through the drapes, I gently wake Justin. Together we dress, each lost in our own private thoughts. I take his hand as he stares into my eyes full with questions and hope. I lean in and give him a soft lingering kiss and he holds me tight as if afraid to let go. I caress his cheek one last time and lead him out the door.
Once outside the hotel, I turn to Justin and take both his hands in mine. As we part, I brush a tender kiss against lips that are full of love, and gaze deeply into pools of blue giving him the silent promise of more tomorrows.
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