Love’s Long Journey
Chapter 7
Ever since the day of the picnic it seemed that Brian did everything he could to avoid being alone with Justin. It didn’t go unnoticed by anyone who took note of the bond that seemed to be forming between the two men; especially Justin.
Brian knew it was irrational for him to feel this way, but it made him feel uneasy at how quickly Justin seemed to fill the void in his heart. Christian had been gone a while and there was no reason he shouldn’t be able to move past all of this, but for some reason he seemed frozen in place. He knew feelings of disloyalty and guilt played a large part in what was holding him back, but also he knew that the pain and hurt that came with putting your heart on your sleeve only to have it ripped from you and he wasn’t sure he was willing to put those feeling out there again. Of course, Christian’s death had not been planned. It wasn’t like he had left him on purpose, but never the less it still left his heart exposed and who was to say that Justin wouldn’t so the same thing. Maybe not the same way Chris did, but with same result. After all, Justin was younger and he might eventually want someone closer to his own age. Even though their conversations had revealed that age didn’t matter to the blond; it was just a number to him, Brian worried. One thing he did discover was that Justin was mature beyond his years. The young man was certainly self-assured and determined; and he definitely knew what he wanted in life but Brian wasn’t convinced it was he that could those things to him.
Brian and Justin entered the casual dining area Sarah had prepared for them and the younger man smiled. He knew what the woman was trying to do. The four of them usually had their evening meals together in the kitchen but tonight Sarah had told them there was just no space because she was doing some canning and her jars were placed every where she could find space.
The cozy dining area was set just for two. The lights were dimmed but not so much that one might think it too romantic. Fresh flowers in small glass vases were placed randomly around the room allowing the fragrance of the blossoms to fill the night air. She wanted to place candles on the table but thought what she was hoping to accomplish might be just a bit too obvious.
It had been several days since the group had gone on the outing to the pond. She and Charlie had talked about the two men and how it seemed that the connection between the two was growing stronger, but they had also noticed the hesitancy on Mr. Brian’s part. They also observed that the blond was getting a little discouraged, possibly even frustrated, because any move on his part of wanting more was gently rebuked.
That morning Sarah formulated a plan to give the men a special evening since she knew Justin would be leaving in a few days and it didn’t leave much time to get the two of them moving in the same direction. Hopefully her idea would work.
“Charlie Honey, I’m planning on doing some canning today so the kitchen will be pretty hectic. You know when I set about doing things there will be no space for doing much else,” she stated to her husband as he entered to grab a cup of coffee.
“Uh huh, so why are you telling me this? You never thought to see fit to let me know before. You just set about doing it and let me and Mr. Brian know to stay out of your way,” he looked suspiciously over at his wife and noticed she had a sheepish look to her features.
“Well……” she paused.
“Come on, out with it woman. You have something up your sleeve don’t you?” he chuckled when he saw a hint of mischief glinting in his wife’s eyes.
“Oh, you’re such an old man. You think you know me so well, don’t you,” she giggled. “Well, I was thinking…
“Oh, oh, that’s always a bad sign,” Charlie laughed out loud as he interrupted his wife.
“Now stop that you hear?” she chided. “Just listen to me. Mr. Justin will be leaving in a few days and we were talking the other morning. He seemed a bit discouraged with Mr. Brian. He senses that he’s holding back and for the reasons we’ve suspected all along and Mr. Justin doesn’t know how to encourage him to move pass that. He thinks that they could have something wonderful and loving if he would only let go of the past. On the other hand, he realizes that guilt, hurt, and pain is what’s holding Brian back from opening his heart again. Deep down we’ve always known that Mr. Brian has shielded his heart from ever having to deal with the kind of pain he suffered when Christian died and he feels that he would be disloyal to his memory if he were to find someone else,” she gave pause and looked at her husband.
He nodded thoughtfully at what his wife was saying. “What do you plan to do?”
“Well, I sort of talked it over with Mr. Justin. I told him I’d make a nice dinner for just the two of them. It’ll give the young man a chance to have Mr. Brian all to himself for the evening and give him an opportunity to talk to him about how he feels. You know Mr. Brian has done his best to avoid being alone with the young man ever since the picnic. I think Mr. Brian got a real good glimpse of what he’s been missing and what he could have if he tried and it scared him. I tried to make it romantic without being too obvious. I have a couple of Mr. Brian’s favorite wines chilling and I’m making his favorite meal,” she concluded. “We’ve got to put a sparkle in those hazel eyes of his and it it looks to me like the young man is just the one who can help.”
Charlie looked skeptically at his wife. “Woman, you think you should be meddling into those boys lives that way?”
“Of course I do,” she gave the man a cheeky smile and turned back to her preparations.
The old man shook his head at his wife’s audacity of his wife and couldn’t help but laugh. Poor Mr. Brian, he doesn’t know the forces he has to deal with.
Conversation started out a little stilted between the two men. Brian sat quietly as he listened to the younger man recall some of his past assignments. Justin did his best to put the man at ease by talking about the different places he visited and the interesting people he’d met. As the wine flowed Brian seemed to relax a little and gradually he let his guard down some to reveal what it had been like working in advertising and all the clients he had dealt with. Justin had been impressed at some of the ads Brian had worked on and he remembered some of them being large national campaigns for major companies.
As dinner progressed Justin tried to keep the conversation light. He didn’t want Brian to close himself off. He was hoping to eventually learn more about the man. He knew the basics; that he had been involved in a long term relationship and his partner had been killed and that he had a son who was in college and he owned this ranch.
Justin sat back and recalled an earlier conversation he had with Charlie. They were been over by the corral leaning on the fence and watching Brian work with the kids.
“Brian’s really good with the kids,” Justin commented to the older man as they watched him teaching them how to handle the horses, and how not to be afraid of the animal just because they were so much larger than they were.
“Yeah, he is, and the kids just luv’ him.”
“I can see that,” the blond sighed, which earned him a side-long glance. Justin wondered if there could be a time in which that love could be extended to someone else. “He’s so patient and gentle with them. They’re very lucky to have this place to come to even though it’s only temporary.”
“That’s the sad part about it; it’s only temporary. I know every time a kid leaves they take a piece of Mr. Brian’s heart away with them. He gets attached to all of them; heck we all do. It’s hard to see them go, but then the next group comes in and we start all over. It’s nice when we hear back from one of the kids letting us know that their life is much better now. I know Mr. Brian keeps whatever letters he receives and tucks them away in a special file. It gives him a small bit of comfort that for a short time he made a difference. And you’re right. Mr. Brian is very patient and gentle with the kids. I guess coming from the background he did he knows what it’s like,” Charlie stated.
Justin’s head turned sharply and asked, “What do you mean “coming from the background he did? ”
“I think when he was growing up his life wasn’t always so easy.”
“What do you mean?” Justin prodded. Brian was such an enigma and he wanted to learn all he could about the man.
“Look Mr. Justin, I probably shouldn’t have opened my big mouth. It’s not my story to tell. You just have to ask Mr. Brian. “
Justin looked doubtfully at the old man, “You’re kidding right? Trying to get to know him is like pulling teeth. In fact, pulling teeth is a hell of a lot easier than getting Brian to talk about himself.” He sighed in frustration, but he knew how loyal Charlie was and he didn’t want to put him in an awkward position.
Charlie laughed out loud at the look of exasperation that appeared on the younger man’s face. “Give it time Mr. Justin. He’ll come around. This ranch and his son seems to be what keeps him going. They’re the only things I’ve ever seen that can put a twinkle in that man’s eye…until now,” he smiled knowingly.
“Well, I hope you’re right, Charlie, but I don’t have much time left before I’m done.”
“Well, you’d better work harder.” The old man chuckled at the look of disbelief in the blue eyes.
“Justin…Justin,” Brian repeated, trying to get the man’s attention.
“Huh? Oh, sorry my mind wandered a bit,” he flushed at being caught day dreaming.
“I guess I’ve lost my touch. I use to be able to hold a man’s attention at least through dinner,” Brian chuckled softly as he noticed the deepening shade of red color the other’s man’s cheeks and he knew it wasn’t from the wine. “Why don’t we grab our wine glasses and the bottle of wine and move over to the leather chairs and get comfortable,” he suggested.
“That sounds good.” Justin stood up and stretched and lightly ran his hand over his full stomach. “Remind me to thank Sarah for the dinner. It was great. I miss having home cooked meals,” he commented as he followed Brian over to the great room.
“Yeah, she’s a great cook. I have to watch otherwise I could be as big as a house with all that she tries to stuff me with. She thinks I’m way to thin, no matter how much I try to convince her I’m not,” he blushed slightly as he noticed the lustful look he was receiving from the blond causing him to stutter.
“Um…would you like to listen to some music?” he asked as he nervously set his wine glass down on the table and walked over to the CD player and flipped it on not allowing the man to answer.
As the music filled the room, Brian moved over to the vacant chair and sat down. He picked up his wine glass and, looking over the rim, assessed the man sitting across from him. A myriad of thoughts ran through his mind as they had been ever since he first encountered Justin. It had been a long time since someone had stirred up so many feelings. In fact, no one had since Christian had been gone.
It wasn’t long and both men moved to the floor. Making himself comfortable, Brian laid on his side, his long legs stretched out before him and propped himself up with his elbow as Justin sat cross-legged using the chair as a back rest. Conversation became uncomfortable as they sat eyeing one another; one with lust-filled eyes and the other with a wariness that was compounded by guilt. The only sound that could be heard was the softness sounds of their breathing that echoed throughout the room.
Wanting to ease the silence and change the mood that seemed to have descended Brian asked, “What are your plans after you leave here?”
Giving his head a slight shake as if to remove the haze from his lust-filled mind it took a moment before Justin responded. “I…uh plan to visit my mom and sister. I promised them I would after I was finished with this assignment. After that who knows, but I may take some time off to indulge in my favorite passion.”
“Oh and what is that?” he asked as he sat up and leaned against the chair.
“Painting. I’ve had a lot of inspiration since I’ve been here, “ Justin commented as he looked pointedly at the man sitting across of him.
“Being at the ranch and out in the wide open spaces can be very inspirational,” Brian commented, his tongue in cheek look firmly in place. He understood exactly what Justin was trying to tell him but he wasn’t going to give in and make promises he couldn’t keep.
Justin gave a frustrated sigh and wondered what was it going to take for the man to acknowledge his true feelings. He knew that Brian felt something for him but kept holding something back.
Brian sensed what Justin was feeling and what he wanted, but he wasn’t ready yet and wasn’t sure if he ever would be. He sat looking down at his hands in his lap, his thumb softly stroked the heavy linked bracelet, when he felt the blond move closer to him.
Justin watched Brian stroking the bracelet. It was something that he had noticed him doing unconsciously whenever he seemed to be thinking of his late partner. He understood how difficult it was for him to move on and he wasn’t going to force himself on him, but damn it he wanted to share his life with this man. Even though they had only known one another for a short time, he felt that they could have something very special together. Now if only he could make Brian realize the same thing.
As Justin moved over in front of Brian, he placed his right hand over both of his and stilled the stroking movement of Brian’s finger. Looking into guilt-laden eyes, he nudged the man under his chin with his other hand and forced him to look deeply into his own. He gently stroked the angle of his jaw and leaned over and brushed a soft kiss against his lips. It was a kiss of promise and hope and Justin wanted to ensure that Brian understood. “When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting,” he whispered softly.
Brian slowly nodded his head.