Love’s Long Journey
Chapter 6
It was during the time of the first anniversary of Christian’s death. As it approached, Brian found himself unable to focus and on some days all he wanted to do was stay in bed and hide from the rest of the world. He was having difficulty sleeping and found himself drinking more and hoping that the alcohol would help deaden the pain and help him sleep without the haunting images that kept floating through his brain.
Sarah and Charlie both noticed how moody Brian had become and the disheveled appearance he had every morning as if he had slept in his clothes all night. Dark circles rimming his hazel eyes became more apparent with each passing day and the older couple grew concerned. But they knew that it wasn’t their place to ask. So they sat by and waited with patience and understanding, hoping that he would come to them when the time was right.
That time came the day before the anniversary of Christian’s death. The Hamilton’s had called Brian. It wasn’t a call meant to upset him; just to see how he was doing and to find out how he was handling things. They had been to visit Christian’s grave and noticed the beautiful arrangement of flowers decorating the site. They knew who had sent it and wanted him to know how much it had meant to them. They were also having a difficult time with the anniversary nearing and they just wanted some form of contact with the man who had loved their son.
As they spoke, every emotion Brian had pent up spewed forth; his anger at Christian for dying, the loneliness, the feeling of abandonment and despair, and how at times he had to fight the urge to end all this and join Christian. Some days were better than others and most times it was having the ranch that kept him going but when the dark times took over, it was hard to keep them at bay. But even he had to admit that, for the most part, the bad times were becoming fewer and farther in between.
But with the anniversary approaching, all the feelings he tried so hard to bury surfaced and finally reached critical mass with the call from the Hamiltons. It reminded him of everything he had once possessed and lost. It was the reason why having the ranch was good for him, it was the farthest life imaginable from the one he had enjoyed with Christian even though there were still too many small reminders of his lover.
After the call with the Hamiltons ended, he had felt totally drained and exposed. Grabbing a bottle of Beam, he reverted to his old form of pain management; one he hadn’t needed or used in a long while.
Sarah and Charlie grew concerned as they watched the bottle slowly being drained. They had never seen Brian take to the bottle before. In fact, they hardly ever saw him drink, except for the odd glass of wine with dinner every once in a while.
Hearing the thud of the empty bottle hitting the hardwood floor, Charlie stood up to check on Brian. He found him slumped to the side of the overstuffed chair, his head bent over his chest, arms dangling and emitting a soft snoring sound. The older man shook his head and called his wife over to give him a hand in getting the boss into bed. It wasn’t an easy task.
Brian walked into the kitchen, freshly showered, but looking like death warmed over. Without being asked, Sarah set a cup coffee down in front of him and gently squeezed his hand, letting him know that they were here for him.
With an apologetic look, Brian gratefully accepted the coffee and took a sip feeling the warmth of the liquid travel down his throat to warm his trembling insides.
Not usually one for apologies, Brian felt he owed the couple one after what had happened. “Sarah and Charlie, I’m sorry you had to witness what you did. I just needed…” he let his voice trail not knowing exactly what he did need except to block out all the painful memories that resurfaced again.
“Look, Mr. Brian,” Sarah started. “You don’t owe us any explanations, but both Charlie and me want you to know that we consider you family and we want to be here for you if you need us.” She ended and looked over at her husband, who nodded his head in agreement.
“Thank you. You don’t know how much that means to me. There’s some things going on and I guess I’m not handling it very well, but if you have the time I’d like to tell you about it so you won’t think I’ve gone off the deep end,” he gave a wry smile.
After Brian broke down and told the couple everything, he watched them, a look of defiance on his face; waiting to challenge them to pass judgment on him and his lifestyle, but all he saw was compassion etched on their features.
He was more than a little startled. He never expected them to understand much less accept him for who he was. He waited for them to say something and finally, Sarah spoke up.
“Look Mr. Brian, I suspect that you expect us to be repulsed by what you just told us. To tell you the truth, we kinda had an idea that no woman could put a twinkle in your eyes. Besides, I saw the picture you have of your son and I’m assuming that your partner is in the silver frame next to your bed. You might think that just because we live on this here ranch way out in God’s country we’re not exposed to things, but you’d be surprised. My sister Mabel’s son, Gabriel is gay. She was damn near heartbroken when she found out, but I set her to rights. I told her no never mind who Gabe chooses to love, it was what God made him and he’s all the better for it. He just loves differently than me an you. Besides, he’s still the same boy that she birthed. He’s loving, kind and the most open-hearted soul that walks the earth; never has a mean word to say ‘bout anything or anyone. It took her a while, but she eventually saw the light. Like Charlie and I always say, it makes no never mind to us about who you are or what kind of lifestyle you have. Who you choose to love is not any business of ours. All we want is for you to be happy and if it’s another man who can bring a sparkle to your eyes and love into your heart, then far be it from us to criticize or pass judgment on you.
Brian’s eyes glistened with unshed tears and he was grateful for their understanding. Growing up in the Kinney household, he knew that this sort of thing would never have happened and it was the reason why he never told his parents that he was gay. Once he moved to New York he remained out of touch with his family and it was one of the few things Christian and he disagreed over.
As Sarah recalled the long ago conversation with Brian that had revealed to them his story and everything that happened before he arrived in Montana; she set the cup of coffee down in front of him and wondered what could be troubling the young man now. She grabbed her own cup and pulled up a stool beside him.
Brian stared into the dark liquid as if seeking answers. He felt Sarah’s small hand on top of his and he looked up and smiled, grateful for the comfort she lent.
“Are you okay, Mr. Brian?” Sarah asked. She decided to grab the bull by the horns and initiate the conversation. She knew how difficult it was for to talk about things that were troubling him. She learned from experience that sometimes you can’t sit around and wait on things; you have to just go for it. “Your son is okay, isn’t he?”
“Yes, Gus is fine. I spoke with him just the other day.”
She noticed the sparkle in his eyes at the mention of his son. It was one of the few things that did. “Well, if it isn’t Gus what seems to be troubling you? Don’t you go dismissing me ‘cause I know something is,” she gently chided him.
Brian looked at her, not knowing what to say or where to begin.
As Sarah patiently waited, it suddenly dawned on her; Mr. Justin. Up until his arrival Brian seemed to be doing okay. The change in the boss seemed to happen so quickly she didn’t think for a moment that it might be the young blond that had upset his well-ordered apple cart.
“It’s Mr. Justin, isn’t it?” she gave him a small knowing smile.
Brian raised his eyes, a look of surprised registered on his features. As much as he hated to admit she was right, he had no choice. When did he become so transparent he thought.
“Yeah, it’s Justin.”
“Well, I must confess, he’s a looker. That blond hair and his pretty white skin, he looks like he was sent down from heaven. So, what’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure. I mean I just met him today but…I don’t know. It’s like there’s this connection or something,” Brian stated. “Maybe it’s just that I’ve been feeling lonely and missing Christian. I don’t think it’s right for me to feel this way.”
“Why not,” Sarah asked, with a quizzical look on her face. “You aren’t dead are you?”
“Huh?” Brian said as he stared at her with a confused look on his face.
The older woman chuckled at the look of confusion on Brian’s face and smiled when it finally dawned on him what she was talking about.
“I don’t think I am, although I’ve felt like that on the inside every since…you know.”
Sarah smiled in understanding. “You know Mr. Brian, I suspect Christian wouldn’t be expecting or wanting you to be pining away for him forever.”
“I know you’re right but it’s difficult. We were together for a long time; something I thought would never happen. I never believed in long term relationships, but Chris changed all that. I feel like I would be cheating on him.”
“Nonsense, Mr. Brian. I doubt if he would ever think that. It’s not wrong to love more than one person in a lifetime. You have more love to give and I don’t think Chris would want you to keep it to yourself the rest of your life. When the time is right to open your heart and let someone in again, you’ll know. It’ll take just that one special person. You just have to be open to it and let someone in,” she smiled up at the man. “Now, I best be getting back to work and I believe you have some paperwork that’s waiting for you. Maybe instead of spending time in that dreary office of yours, you could get outdoors and enjoy some of that sunshine,” she said and gave him a knowing grin.
Brian smiled back at her. Maybe Sarah was right. Maybe I do have more to give. It was something to think about. Maybe I should stop feeling guilty for wanting to move on. He decided to head for his office anyway and put in sometime on the paperwork before he got too far behind.
After an unproductive hour of staring at the computer screen, Brian rubbed his tired eyes and looked out of the office window. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he noticed several of the kids tagging along behind Justin, like he was the Pied Piper. The children were laughing and giggling, and appeared to be playing a game of follow the leader and it happened to be the blond’s turn to lead the rag-tag group of kids. A feeling of warmth spread to his heart as he watched how patient and gentle Justin was with the kids, and he couldn’t keep himself from laughing as they tried to keep up with the outlandish antics of their leader.
Brian watched the fun for a few more minutes before he turned away and headed to the kitchen to grab a fresh cup of coffee.
Sarah stood by the sink washing dishes and silently observed him for a minute as he poured himself a cup of coffee. She smiled to herself as she noticed the preoccupied look on his face as he sipped the hot liquid and stared out the kitchen window watching Justin and the children.
“Mr. Brian,” Sarah called out. When she received no response she called out to him again, “Mr. Brian, can I get you anything?” This Mr. Justin has surely thrown him in a tizzy she thought to herself. She stepped up beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. “The kids sure do look like they’re having fun. Mr. Justin seems really good with them, doesn’t he?”
Brian turned to look at her, a seemingly blank look on his face. “Did you say something to me, Sarah?”
“Yes, I did,” she chuckled. “I asked you if you needed anything.”
“Oh, I didn’t hear you.” His thought were interrupted.
Laughing out loud, she said, “You sure didn’t. You looked to be a million miles away; or what more is likely, a few feet in your own backyard.”
Brian flushed with embarrassment at being caught day dreaming. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I was watching the kids. They sure have taken to Justin and he’s really great with them.”
“I noticed.” She stood quietly by, waiting to see if he would say more. When he made no move she suggested, “Why don’t you go out there and join them. I think you need a break and could do with some fresh air.”
Sarah watched as a range of emotions played on his features from uncertainty to longing and even sadness.
“Maybe I will later,” he stated quietly. “I still have more paperwork to do.”
She nodded her head as he turned and walked back to his office. Letting out a sigh, Sarah went back to washing the dishes. As she stacked the last plate and put the final touches on a pot of soup for lunch she heard the deep timbre of her husband’s voice as he strode through the back door into the kitchen.
“Hey Sarah Honey, how’s things going,” he asked as he stepped near his wife and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “Got a cup of coffee for a tired ‘ol cowhand?”
“You know I always do. Care for some fresh cinnamon bread to go with that?”
“No thanks, got to keep my girlish figure,” he laughed and winked at his wife as she joined in the laughter. “Haven’t seen Mr. Brian all morning. That’s kind of unusual, don’t ya think?”
“He’s been hidin’ out in his office on the pretense that he has a lot of catching up to do on his paperwork,” she huffed out a laugh.
“That’s strange, he usually does his paperwork in the evenings,” Charlie looked to his wife with a confused look on his face.
“Well, if you ask me I think some young blond has thrown him for a loop.”
“You mean Mr. Justin?” Charlie let out a chuckle. “I knew it. I could sense that there was some interest there. So what’s the problem?”
“Guilt and he’s scared.”
“Aw com’on, what’s Mr. Brian got to feel guilty about? And why would he be scared?”
“Well old man, think about it. How would you feel if I passed away and some young thing came into your life again. How would you feel then?”
“Ahhhh, I gotcha. He feels guilty about betraying Chris, huh?”
“Yep, that’s it.”
“But what’s he got to be scared about?”
“It’s not anything Mr. Brian has ever said. It’s just woman’s intuition. You know it’s not easy to give your heart to another person; not when you gave it all the first time and had it broken when that person died. He’s afraid of putting it out there again.”
“It’s no wonder I love you woman…you’re so wise,” he leaned over and tenderly kissed her cheek. “You know I married you for your brains,” he guffawed loudly as he headed out the door.
“Charlie Cordell, you know that ain’t the truth. You married me for my cookin’,” she chided but smiled tenderly at the man she has loved since the moment she laid eyes on him. He was the kindest, gentlest soul that ever walked the face of this earth and aside from his gruff exterior he had a heart of gold. No one could ever come close. She knew if something ever happened to him there would be no other for her, besides she was much too old to start over again. Now Mr. Brian was another story. He was far too young to spend the rest of his life alone. He still has a lot more to give if only he was willing to open up his heart. She hoped Justin had the time and patience to see it through, because it would be well worth the wait.
Finally, giving up on his self-imposed torture, Brian threw down his pencil and rubbed his tired eyes. Deciding he was getting nowhere, he started shoving papers back into their respective folders and filing them away to work on later. He turned off his computer and stood, stretching the cramped and aching muscles that he acquired from sitting at this desk far too long.
He walked outside into the bright sunlight and using his hands shaded his eyes from the glaring rays of the sun. He stopped, his eyes searching until they honed in on the blond. He was sitting atop the corral fence with his nice round ass hanging slightly over the rail trying to balance himself while he photographed the children who were being given riding lessons.
Brian stood admiring the view for a few minutes before going over and joining Charlie and Justin. “Hey,” Brian called out startling Justin and almost causing him to lose his balance and topple over. He instinctively reached out and placed his hand on the small of the blond’s back to prevent him from falling backwards.
Justin felt that same jolt he felt once before when Brian had made contact with him. Lucky for him, he had the camera strap around his neck as he had let his camera drop so that he could use both of his hands to grab the rail in order to keep his balance.
“Are you okay?” Brian asked.
“Oh yeah, thanks,” Justin replied as he suddenly felt it get hotter. He was almost certain the additional heat didn’t come from the sun. “I didn’t hear you coming. I guess I was caught up taking pictures and watching the kids enjoying themselves.”
“Yeah, they sure like to have fun, and this is one of their favorite ways to do it. For almost all of these kids, it’s their first experience getting this close to a horse let alone being able to ride one. It’s good therapy for them. The staff practices with them everyday and when they feel they can handle the animal on their own we take them for longer rides.”
“These kids look like they’re doing pretty well handling horses.”
“Yes, this bunch has been practicing a while. Looks like they’re ready for a longer ride, right Charlie?”
“Yep, in another day or so we’ll be scheduling a ride over to the other side of the hill where there’s a grove a trees and a nice shady area for a picnic. That’s where we usually take them on their first time out. All the kids love it.”
“Hey, that sounds like fun,” Justin enthusiastically replied his mind already planning on all the pictures he could take. “Is everyone invited?” he asked.
“Of course,” Charlie answered. “Everyone comes along and we make it a holiday of sorts. ‘Course my Sarah drives there cause she brings all the food and such, but we make a good time of it for everyone,” he explained.
“I can’t wait,” the blond said enthusiastically. Shyly he looked over at Brian, “Will you be joining us too?”
“’Course he will. He’s the biggest damn kid of them all when he gets out there,” the old man responded before Brian could. Charlie laughed as he noticed the flush of coloring tingeing his boss’ cheeks.
Brian laughed at the old man before replying, “ I guess you have my answer. I don’t think I could avoid going even if I wanted to. Besides, Charlie’s right, it is a lot of fun.”
Charlie leaned against the fence and watched the flood of emotions that flowed through the young men. His Sarah was right there is definitely something there.
The morning came several days later and it dawned bright and clear. Perfectly blue skies with only a scattering of puffy white clouds and soft gentle breezes made an idyllic day for an outing. The ranch was a beehive of activity and the kids were bustling about with excitement and nervous energy. The staff was helping the children saddle up their horses and making sure everything was safe and secure. Each child had an assignment in preparation for the ride and they set about their tasks so they could get going.
Justin groaned and rolled over, as his alarm clock went off signaling him it was time to get up. Rubbing his hand over his face he looked at the time, let out another groan, and grabbed his pillow to cover his head. Damn, he thought, the sun is barely up. He had been hoping that this assignment would give him a chance to catch up on some much needed sleep. He had jumped at the opportunity to grab this assignment thinking that things on the ranch might move at a slower pace. Obviously, he had been badly mistaken. He had gotten caught up in the enthusiasm of the children when the ride and the picnic was mentioned and had asked if he could join them. It’s my own damn fault he thought. He could have just hung out at the ranch with the staff that had volunteered to stay back.
Slowly he sat up, moved to the edge of the bed, and swung his legs over the side so that he could to gather his wits. Through his open window, he could hear the squeals of laughter and the excited giggles of the children coming from the yard. Quickly, donning his jeans and shirt, he grabbed his camera and checked his bag to make sure he had enough film before he exited his room. The aroma of coffee and frying bacon assailed his senses and his mouth started to water. He felt a low rumble in the pit of stomach, the smell of food making him hungry.
“Good morning,” Justin greeted as he entered the kitchen. Three pairs of eyes turned toward him and suddenly he felt shy under the gentle scrutiny that washed over him. He just stood in the doorway as if he was waiting for a personal invitation, until, Sarah finally spoke up.
“Morning, Mr. Justin,” she said in greeting. “We were all wondering if you’d be able to get up this early in the morning.”
“Yes, I did too,” he chuckled. “I’m still suffering from jetlag and had more that a little difficulty getting to sleep last night. My schedule has me a bit thrown off,” he offered by way of explanation. In all honesty, it was more than jetlag that was giving him difficulty sleeping. It was a tall, beautiful man with mesmerizing hazel eyes, who just so happened to be standing in front of him now, that had kept him from falling asleep last night.
“Well, come on in and grab something to eat,” Charlie invited.
Without a word, Brian retrieved a mug and placed in front of Justin, then grabbed the pot of coffee and began to pour.
“Thanks,” Justin said, as he looked up and smiled. “I can sure use this.”
Brian smiled back. “Yeah, you look like you need it,” he smirked.
When Justin had entered the kitchen, Brian took in his slightly disheveled and tired appearance. He had heard noises coming from Justin’s room well past midnight and knew that he was having difficulty sleeping. The reason he knew this was because he was experiencing a similar problem. He even thought about going after his Beam, but decided against it knowing he would have a full day tomorrow with the kids. And after his last bout with the bottle, he promised himself he would stay away from it and he had.
Justin gratefully accepted the cup of coffee and gingerly sipped the hot brew, feeling the warmth travel down his insides to give him his first caffeine jolt of the morning. He closed his eyes, relishing the smooth rich taste of a properly brewed cup of coffee.
As he opened his eyes, he noticed he was being watched and blushed. Clearing his throat he spoke, “Mmmmm this is great of coffee.”
Sarah chuckled. “Mr. Justin it’s the same coffee we always have. Nothing’s different. It’s just good, old-fashion, brewed coffee. Although, I’m sure you’d like some of that fancy stuff you find at Starbucks.”
“You’re right, Sarah. I do like the stuff they serve at Starbucks, but a great cup of home brewed coffee is always nice.”
“That’s true,” Charlie agreed. “How ‘bout something to eat?
”How would you like your eggs, Mr. Justin? Sarah asked.
“Oh, you don’t need to go to any trouble for me. I’ll just have whatever everyone else is having.”
“Well, that would be eggs with bacon and toast,” Sarah laughed. Just then the bell on the toaster went off as the toasted slices of bread popped up.
“In that case I’ll have my eggs cooked over medium.” Within minutes, a plate of eggs with bacon and a couple slices of buttered toast was placed in front of him.
The savory smells had his mouth watering and he immediately dug in. After a couple of bites, he looked up and realized he was being watched again.
“Um…aren’t the rest of you going to eat?” Justin asked, feeling a bit embarrassed at being the only one doing so.
“We’ve been up a while and have already eaten,” Brian replied and smiled at the blond’s obvious discomfort.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t think I was that late. You told me you weren’t going to leave until around eight. I set my clock to get up early enough in the hopes I could take some pictures of the sunrise and still have enough time,” he said sheepishly.
“Don’t mind Mr. Brian,” Sarah said. “He’s just wanting to give you a hard time. He figured you weren’t going to make it…you know, with you not use to getting up before the sun does and all,” she chuckled. “But I told him you’d be here. That you wouldn’t miss the chance at spending the day taking pictures and having fun with the kids,” she said and smiled warmly at the boy.
“You’re right, Sarah. I wouldn’t miss this opportunity,” he acknowledged, but looked pointedly at the brunet who stood leaning against the counter, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
Sarah and Charlie exchanged knowing looks and both smiled inwardly to themselves.
“Come on Charlie, we better go check on the kids and make sure everything is ready to go,” Brian said. “Justin, when you’re done, just come on out to the barn. We’ll have a horse saddled and ready for you. You can ride, can’t you?” he smirked at the blond, his mind thinking of Justin’s sweet butt bouncing in the saddle.
“Yes, I can ride,” Justin replied in his best Waspish tone. “Of course, it’s been a while,” he mumbled not sure how his ass was going to feel after being in the saddle for a few hours; now he was really having second thoughts.
“What was that?” Brian asked.
“Oh, I was just saying I do know how to ride…and it should be fun.” He smiled at the man knowing by the look in his eyes that he didn’t believe a word he was saying.
After the two men left, Justin heard a slight chuckle coming from behind him. He turned to look and saw Sarah grinning broadly at him, a hint of knowing glistening in her eyes.
“What is it, Sarah?” he asked innocently,
“Now, Mr. Justin, I know bullshit when I hear it,” she laughed out loud, as she noticed the blond’s cheeks turn pink. “Since Mr. Brian isn’t here, you can tell me the truth.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. Can you really ride a horse?”
“Well sort of. I rode one at a fair once, when I was about three-years-old,” he smiled sheepishly.
“Oh, Mr. Justin, this is not like riding no fair pony, you know. Maybe it’s best you ride with me in my truck,” she suggested, knowing full well the blond would refuse her offer, and she was right.
“No way, Sarah,” Justin stated, adamantly. “I can’t let the kids know I can’t ride.”
“Are you sure it’s the kids you don’t want knowing or is it some tall, brunet with hazel eyes that you don’t want to find out,” she chuckled, knowing exactly who it was.
Justin felt his face grow warm under the knowing look of the petite woman standing before him. “Well, maybe,” he admitted. “I don’t know what’s got into me.”
“I know what’s got into you,” Sarah replied. It’s the same thing that has gotten into Mr. Brian, she thought to herself.
“Well, if you’re done eating you’d better get out there. It looks like they’re just about ready to go. I’ll make sure I have the liniment and aspirin ready when you get back,” she laughed out loud at the look on his face as she offered up her remedies.
His camera bag shouldered across his chest, Justin stepped out into the bright, morning sunlight amidst the laughter and excitement of kids and adults alike. He quickly reached for his camera to capture the joy and energy that abounded from the group. It was hard not to get caught up in all the enthusiasm.
“Hey, Mr. Justin,” Zack shouted and waved, when he noticed the man standing off to the side holding his camera.
“Yes Zack?”
“Yep, you remembered,” the boy commented. “Charlie said you’re gonna join us on our outing.”
“I sure would like to. Do you mind?” Justin asked.
“Nope. I think it would be fun if you came along. Mr. Justin?” Zack asked shyly.
“Yes, Zack?” Justin watched as the boy pondered whether or not he should say more. “Go ahead, Zack, you can ask me anything.”
“Well, it’s sort of a favor. Oh, never mind, forget I said anything.” Zack started to walk away.
“Hey, wait a minute, Zack. You don’t have to be afraid to ask me anything,” Justin watched the hesitation on the boy’s face.
“I was wondering and all. I see you taking pictures and stuff…” the young boy stood looking at the ground, scuffing his shoe in the dirt and unable to meet the blond’s eyes.
“Go on Zack,” Justin encouraged.
“Canyoutakeapictureofmeonmyhorse?” he blurted out all at once that Justin wasn’t sure exactly what he said.
“I’m not sure I understood you,” Justin chuckled as he knelt down in front of the boy and gently took hold of his chin so that he looked him square in the eyes. “Hey, you have to slow down. Us old folks can’t keep up quite as fast as you can talk,” he smiled gently.
“Okay I was hoping you could take a picture of me on my horse. I wanna be able to show my mom when I get home. She’s never seen me on a horse before.” He looked hopefully at Justin.
“I’d love to, Zack. Why don’t we take one before we leave and maybe even a few while we’re riding along, then your mom will really know you can ride. How does that sound?” Justin smiled warmly at the boy and noticed the sparkle that lit up eyes dark enough to resemble dark chocolate. “Come on and show me which horse you’re riding and so I can get take the picture.
Zack took hold of Justin’s hand and led him over to the caramel colored horse that was tied to the fence. He grabbed hold of the saddle and hoisted himself up. Justin stood back and adjusted his camera and clicked away. He smiled to himself as he saw Zack sit up, tall and proud as he took several pictures.
“Thanks, Mr. Justin,” Zack said shyly. “I can’t wait to see them.”
“Me too. As soon as I use up this roll I’ll have someone take me into town so I can have them developed for you before I leave. How does that sound?”
“Sounds good to me,” Zack chortled happily.
Justin couldn’t help but smile as he thought about how such a simple thing as taking a photo could make the young boy so happy. A sudden flash of sadness washed over him for a split second as the thought about what had brought the boy here to the ranch in the first place. The thought made his heart ache at the cruelties one so young had to deal with.
Brian had been watching the interaction between Justin and Zack the whole time and it warmed his insides at the patience and kindness the blond displayed to the young boy. It wasn’t often that you found someone who didn’t hold back when dealing with these special children. Most adults found it daunting and tended to shy away from having to deal with them but it seemed this blond had something special that made young and old feel comfortable around him and Brian found himself falling just a little deeper.
Justin stood amid all the hub-bub of activity not exactly sure what he should be doing. He looked around and spotted Brian looking at him and walked over.
Brian felt a slight flush at being caught watching the young blond. “Hey, that was nice of you to take those pictures for Zack.”
“It was no problem. I enjoy doing it.” Justin paused, the silence stretching between them. “Um…which horse am I going to ride?” he asked, hoping to bridge the silence.
“I think Charlie has that black gelding with the white spot on its head picked out for you. He thought it best if he gave you one of the more gentle horses. He didn’t believe your story about having ridden before,” Brian laughed out loud.
“That obvious, huh?” Justin joined in the laughter at being so transparent.
“Yep. Charlie said you may have seen a horse once, but as for being an experienced rider, he doubted it very seriously,” he snorted. “Although, he did say you had the seat for being on one,” he laughed again. “His words not mine, but I tend to agree. Your seat looks pretty damned good,” Brian smirked at the indignant look on Justin’s face.
“I’ll have you know that is my best feature, or so I’ve been told,” Justin giggled.
“Okay, kids; is everyone ready to go?” Charlie called out over the din of a lot of laughter and excited chatter.
“Yes, Charlie,” the children replied in unison.
“Well, let’s load ‘em up and pull out,” he instructed.
Chaotic movement ensued and the children and staff alike mounted their horses. A few of the staff led the way and the rest surrounded the children so they could keep a watchful eye on anyone who might encounter trouble during the ride.
“Do you need any help getting on your horse?” Brian asked Justin as he gracefully mounted his own ride.
“I think I can manage,” Justin replied, his tone held a slight amount of annoyance.
Brian sat atop his horse with his hands resting on the saddle horn and patiently waited as the blond made his first attempt to climb up on his animal. A smile tugged on his lips as he watched Justin struggle to pull himself up and failed when he had difficulty with the horse standing still.
“Um…Justin,” Brian called out and received an indignant stare from the frustrated blond.
“Yes,” Justin replied through clenched teeth.
“You’re mounting the horse from the wrong side,” he stated and let out the chuckle he had been struggling to hold in.
“I knew that,” Justin retorted. “I wasn’t paying attention, that’s all.”
“Oh, right,” Brian snickered.
Brian watched and laughed as Justin, first put his right foot in the stirrup and then realized he would not be able to climb on the horse the right way unless he wanted to ride in a backward position. He then placed his left foot in the stirrup and grabbed on to the saddle horn trying to hoist himself up, camera bag and all and found he just couldn’t do it.
Brian noticed Justin struggling and decided that if they expected to make it to the outing he better help the younger man. The children and staff had already started out ahead of them and the distance was increasing with each passing minute.
Sliding off the horse, Brian walked over to Justin and stood beside him. The two of them just inches apart their gazes locked. “Here, let me help you. You know it’s okay for a man to realize when he needs to ask for help.” Brian gave him a small smile.
Justin felt a warmth flow throughout his body as Brian stood close to him. He closed his eyes and inhaled the man’s musky scent and he felt himself harden. Realizing suddenly where he was and what he was suppose to be doing his eyes flew open and his cheeks flushed with color. “You’re right,” he replied sheepishly. “Would you mind?” he asked as he handed Brian his camera bag.
Taking the bag and shouldering it, Brian held the reins and gently stroked the broad neck of the horse to steady it while Justin heaved himself up onto the saddle.
Brian smiled as he caught a bird’s eye view as the younger man’s jeans stretched firmly across his ass as he had planted his foot in the stirrup. Once Justin was astride the horse, Brian handed him the bag and in one felled swoop gracefully mounted his own ride and guided it toward the others.
Justin followed Brian and his chocolate-brown-colored animal and sighed to himself, this was going to be one hell of a long day. He only hoped his backside could endure it and his pride would remain in tact.
Charlie looked back and smiled to himself when he saw that the two men had finally gotten on their horses and were following behind. The old man could tell Brian was holding back his animal so that Justin wouldn’t fall behind and he knew the young blond would be sore for a long time after the day was over. He may have claimed to have ridden before, but it sure wasn’t no live horse. Charlie laughed out loud at what he was thinking and brought about some curious stares from the group. They wondered what the old ranch hand thought was so funny.
Once Brian felt the blond was feeling more comfortable, he picked up his pace and Justin moaned inwardly as he realized the man beside him was speeding up. He wanted to move along at a comfortable trot and enjoy the passing landscape. he also wanted to be able to talk with Brian. He wanted to find out as much as he could about the man. He felt sure that there could be something between them, but the older man seemed to be holding back and he wanted to know why. He knew Charlie and Sarah felt there was something there. Maybe he could talk with Charlie if they had a chance to be alone.
“Uh, Brian,” Justin called out as he moved to catch up to the man.
“Yes?”
“Would you mind slowing down a bit?”
Brian reined in his horse and waited until Justin caught up with him.
Once he was along-side Brian he asked, “ Would you mind if we make a few stops so I can take some pictures? I find it kind of hard to use a camera on a moving horse,” he laughed.
It was strange how Brian enjoyed hearing the blond laugh, and when he gave him that full on brilliant smile of his, he couldn’t help but smile along. Brian never went for the twinkish type of guy, but for some reason Justin struck a cord in him that had him reacting in ways he never thought possible.
The ride progressed and stops were made so that Justin could snap a few pictures. Conversation was a bit stilted and one sided with Justin doing his best to draw out the man riding along side him. It was difficult as Brian would only give him one or two word replies to his questions. Finally, Justin decided he would remain quiet throughout the rest of the ride as he felt it obvious that the man didn’t want to talk. He sighed in frustration as he had hoped spending time alone with Brian would have enabled him to get to know him better. Apparently, the task was going to be a bit more daunting than he wished for.
They rode along in companionable silence until a grove of trees next to a small pond was spotted and Brian pointed it out to Justin
“We’re almost there,” Brian stated and pointed to the large grove of trees they were approaching.
“Finally,” Justin mumbled under his breath and let out a sigh of relief.
“What did you say?”
“Oh, I said great. I can’t wait.”
Brian couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. He knew the blond was hurting and that was one of the reasons he wanted to stop; on the guise of wanting to snap pictures. How many pictures does one need of rolling hills that didn’t change much of the scenery.
“When we get to the trees, we’ll unsaddle the horses and let them graze by the pond for a bit and then tie them up to rest,” Brian stated.
Justin nodded his head in agreement, thankful that they were reaching their destination. He could already tell he was going to be sore when he climbed off his horse. What possessed him to even take on this ride, he thought to himself. The answer to that lay in the man that had reminded him of things he wanted; like love and family.
As they approached the stand of trees, both men noticed that the children and staff had already settled in their horses, tied them up in the shade of the trees, and were down by the pond laughing and splashing away in the coolness of the water.
Brian dismounted easily, removed the horse’s saddle and walked Emperor to the edge of the pond for a drink of water. As he waited for the animal to drink his fill, he glanced up to see where Justin was. He had to rein in his laughter to keep it from bursting forth as he watched the blond.
Even over the boisterous shouts and high-pitched squeals of laughter coming from the children as they showed off their antics in the pond, Brian could hear slight groaning coming from the blond as he gingerly slid off his horse. Once he had both of his feet on solid ground, Justin began rubbing his backside and grimacing as he held on to the saddle with one hand to keep his balance.
“You okay?” Brian asked, startling Justin as he came up behind him.
“Oh sure,” the blond replied as he stood up straight, hoping Brian hadn’t noticed how stiff and sore he was. “Just trying to get my land legs back,” he smiled sheepishly, knowing full well the man probably didn’t believe single word he said.
“Here, let me unsaddle your horse and take him over to the pond for a drink of water,” Brian stated.
“Thanks, I’m just going to walk around a bit. My legs are a little stiff from riding so long.”
“Uh huh.” Brian smirked, giving his best tongue in cheek look.
Brian took the gelding down to the pond, and as he stood there waiting he looked over, smiled and watched the younger man walk around the shade of the trees, apparently trying to rub the soreness out of that most attractive asset of his. Just standing there watching him gave Brian felt an uncomfortable tightness in his jeans and he quickly turned away to distract his mind from the thoughts of what he could do with that particular asset.
After walking about to lessen some of the stiffness in his legs, Justin finally felt better. He retrieved his camera and headed for the pond to watch the children.
Long ago someone had tied an old tire to one of the large trees and hung it over the pond from a sturdy limb and the kids were taking turns swinging from it and dropping themselves into the water; each of them trying to out do the other.
“Hey, Mr. Justin watch this,” Zack called out to him when he noticed the man standing off to the side with his camera.
“Good jump, Zack,” Justin called out to the boy as he raised his camera and began snapping pictures.
“Mr. Justin, Mr. Justin watch me,” Carly shouted as she swung herself over the water and let go with a huge splash.
“Hey, that’s a good one Carly,” Justin shouted so that he could be heard over the shouts and screams of the kids as they took turns swinging on the tire.
“Come on Mr. Brian,” Ty shouted as he noticed the man standing on the grassy bank watching the children.
Justin’s head snapped around as he followed the line of sight of the young boy. He nearly lost his footing and would have slipped and fallen if it hadn’t been for Charlie who was standing close by. He hadn’t realized that Brian was standing off to the side, or that he had stripped down to a pair of cut off shorts; his well defined chest, bare and tan from the sun.
”Whoa, there Mr. Justin. You okay?” Charlie asked, a knowing smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
“Oh…uh…sure. I’m fine Charlie, thanks. I didn’t realize how of slippery it is in this spot,” Justin stammered, his cheeks turning a bright red and it wasn’t from the sun.
“No problem…gotta watch them slippery spots,” the old man said and let out a loud laugh. “Mr. Brian sure has gotten under your skin,” he said in a conspiratorial whisper.
“I’m that obvious…huh.”
“Just a tad,” Charlie replied.
Brian smiled to himself as he caught Justin’s reaction. At least I’m not the only one who is struggling to hide my feelings, he thought to.
“Come on Mr. Brian, are you going to jump or are you too chicken,” Ty teased.
“You calling me chicken?” Brian retorted, but smiled as he saw the look of anticipation of the kids in the water.
“Only if you don’t take a swing on the tire and jump,” the young boy shouted back.
“Yeah, come on Mr. Brian. The water’s not cold,” Lilly coaxed.
“Yeah, Mr. Brian; hurry up and jump. You promised to give us a ride on your back,” Nicky reminded.
“Okay, okay,” Brian responded. “Give me a minute.”
With one graceful leap, Brian jumped onto the tire and placed a foot onto the rim, then grabbed the rope that connected it to the tree. Like a choreographed ballet he swung himself back and forth over the water several times to the delighted screams of the children before letting go. With a tarzan-like yell, he released the rope and with all the elegance and style he could muster, he pulled his knees to his chest and released the rope, landing with a huge splash that sprayed everyone within twenty feet of the pond.
Justin stood mesmerized. With his camera poised, as he took in the long slender body as it swung back and forth over the water. Brian’s skin was pulled taut over his lean frame showing off muscles that had been defined from the hard physical labor required when working the ranch. His wished he had his sketchpad with him as his fingers itched to immortalize this enigma of a man on paper. Instead, he did the next best thing and raised his camera. The shutter worked overtime to keep up with the frenzied pace of his finger on the button. Lucky for him he stood far enough away to avoid the spray of water, and as the man disappeared below the surface Justin lowered his camera.
He released the breath he didn’t realize he began holding the moment he saw Brian standing bare-chested, the rays of the sun poking through branches and glistening off his bronze skin. Justin felt a slight tenting of his jeans and immediately sat down on the grassy bank and used his camera to discreetly hide his discomfiture. God, he thought to himself, I really want this guy.
“You really got it bad for Mr. Brian, don’t you?” Charlie stated, startling Justin. He had a look of wistfulness written all over his face, and hadn’t realized he was being observed.
“You noticed?” Justin replied
Charlie let our a small chuckle as he moved to sit beside the young man. “Just a bit, but that’s only ‘cause I’m a trained observer of human nature,” he laughed out loud. “But someone would have to be blind not to notice you. You get this kind of cute…”
“Cute?” Justin interrupted. He wasn’t sure whether or not he liked being referred to as cute. Hell, he was a grown man, who felt he had outgrown the word cute. Cute was for when he had been five years old.
“Don’t get your briefs in a knot,” Charlie chided. “I meant it in a good way. Your face goes all soft-like…you get this hundred mile stare in your eyes and you kind of get all giddy and nervous-like in Mr. Brian’s presence. It’s actually kind of funny. Me and Sarah have seen it,” he smiled broadly at the embarrassed blond sitting beside him. “It’s kind of funny too; cause Mr. Brian gets all tongue tied when he’s around you.”
“He does?” Justin looked surprised. “Brian always seems so confident…so self-assured.”
“Oh he’s confident and self-assured all right, but not when he’s around you. He has this habit of biting the pad of his thumb or rolling his lips over his teeth when he’s nervous. Like he’s at a lost for words,” Charlie explained. “And we’ve noticed he’s been doing it a lot since you came to the ranch,” he laughed. “It’s a good thing ‘cause me and the missus never seen him react this way to anyone and it’s about time he moved on.”
Justin sat and pondered what the older man had just revealed about Brian. Maybe there was some hope for him after all; if only he could get Brian to realize it was time for him to bury the past.