can't see in the dark

Carl’s phone rang before he even reached his car. It was Brian telling him about Justin’s family cabin up north. It was about a two hour drive, so Carl sent two of his officers to check it out while he went to investigate Craig Taylor’s office. Carl had always liked Justin. Well, actually, at first he didn’t give him much regard. But then he actually spoke to the boy and realized what an amazing kid he really was. Debbie would go on and on about Justin as if he were her other son, and in a way, he was. Justin had an incredible sense of humor and sometimes when Carl was over at Deb’s house for dinner while Justin was there, he would find himself laughing so hard that tears would spill down his cheeks. He was also very smart. That was something Carl could tell right away about the kid. Justin was smart. And Justin was a survivor. Driving off, Carl tried to detach himself from what was going on. He couldn’t let his feelings get in the way of solving this case. He needed to focus on the job and that was it. Try as he might, however, as he headed towards the turnpike, Carl couldn’t erase Justin’s smiling face from his mind. ***** Brian slid down to the floor, his back pressed against the walls. He hadn’t felt this helpless since… since… the hospital. Shit. He hated this. He fuckin’ hated feeling so goddamn helpless. He couldn’t do a damn thing except sit in his fuckin’ office and wait. Part of him wanted to drive to the cabin himself, but what if Justin came back to Vanguard looking for him? Or maybe Justin is at the loft? Should he go and check? But what if Justin comes here instead? Shit!! Helpless. So goddamn helpless. Closing his eyes, Brian tries to think of where Justin would go. He could have told me…he could have told me. I could have helped! He knew that, right? Maybe not. No, he had to know. Justin had to fuckin’ know that. Right? Rubbing his face in his hands, Brian wonders why he had to fuck it all up. They could have been happy. He just wanted …. Fuck, he wanted something more than I was giving him… I could have. All he wanted was for me to say it. To fuckin’ say those stupid little words. At this point, Brian would scream those three words off the tallest building if it meant seeing Justin again. I’ve always been too fuckin’ stubborn. Justin told me he loved me and I laughed. He told me how he felt and I fuckin’ laughed it off like it meant nothing. I’m such an asshole. I was making him fuckin’ miserable and instead of fixing it, I let it all go to hell. I pushed him off that cliff without thinking it through. But that’s what he wanted, right? He wanted someone to tell him he loved him. He wanted someone who only wanted him and only him…. Shit. I wanted that too but I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t fuckin’ say it and now he’s gone. He’s fuckin’ gone and there is nothing I want more than to tell him that I love him and that he’s the only one. That he’s the only fuckin’ one. Looking up at the ceiling, Brian curses aloud. So fuckin’ helpless.