Give me forever

Justin walked away from the kitchen carrying his bowl of soup and grilled cheese sandwich. Setting it down on the table in front of the television, he nestled himself onto the couch, pulling the quilt over his body and reaching for the remote control. Today was one of those days where everything seemed to drag by. For the most part, Justin didn’t mind the quiet solitude, however thoughts of Brian continued to enter his mind. I am NOT going to call him. Justin needed a distraction.

Switching channels with one hand, Justin is about to reach for his sandwich when someone knocks on the door.

Curious, Justin starts to get up and go towards the door when he stops suddenly. Holy shit, he realizes, I didn’t even think it was…that it might be Ethan...wow. Look at that. Smiling softly, he knows that this is definite progress if not something more. Like being over it. This is my life, no one else’s… my choices… The door is knocked on again, bringing Justin back into reality as he quickly walks over and opens the door.

He’s more than surprised to see Brian standing there, but before he can comment, Brian pushes past him and enters the apartment, demanding, “What in the fuck do you want from me?”

Justin closes the door. Oookay, I guess the ‘long, dragging on forever’ part of the day is over… “What do you mean?”

Brian shakes his head. This was a mistake. Why did I even fuckin’ come? “Never the fuck mind,” he states, about to return to the front door.

Justin stops him, “No, wait! Come on, Bri, you came here for a reason. Tell me.”

“Why the fuck do you care?” Brian asks, trying to control all the emotions inside of him from spilling out. “You already made your decision.”

“About what?” Justin leans his back against the door, not wanting Brian to have an opportunity to leave before answering his question.

“Fuck it. It doesn’t matter.”

Justin watches him, knowing that Brian is about to reach his breaking point. Softly he invites, “Sit down, have a sandwich.”

Brian glances over at the table in front of the television. He didn’t feel like eating. He didn’t feel like sitting. He felt like running. “No fuckin’ thank you.”

Wanting to walk over and take his hand, Justin forces him self not to, and remains against the door. “Wanna talk about it?”

“About what?” Brian asks, his jaw twitching slightly. He needed another cigarette. Reaching into his jacket pocket, he realizes that he has none left. “Do you have a cigarette?”

“I quit,” Justin answers simply. It wasn’t really by choice. Money was always tight when he was with Ethan. Cigarettes were just too expensive. Furthermore, Ethan didn’t like it that Justin smoked, so quitting seemed to help with both issues: the finances, and making Ethan happy. The only good thing about my relationship with Ethan was that it got me to quit smoking.

“No shit?”

Justin nods. “Wanna drink?”

Now you’re talking. “What do you have?”

Justin smiles, “Jim Beam?”

“You have some?”

Justin nods again. Technically, it belonged to Adrienne. She had bought it a few days earlier when a few of her friends came over. They weren’t heavy drinkers and when they had all left, the bottle was only half empty. Justin walks away from the door, knowing that Brian’s chance of escape had lessened, and heads to the kitchen as Brian follows close behind.

Watching Justin pour the alcohol into two glasses, Brian asks, “So I guess you’re not mad at me anymore?”

Handing a glass to Brian, Justin answers honestly, “I overreacted.”

Brian pauses. He didn’t expect that reply. In actuality, he was hoping to start an argument. Why in the fuck do I want to fight with this kid? But he knew the answer. As much as he wanted to be with Justin, a part of him kept wanting to fuck it all up.

Justin returns to the couch, commenting quietly, “You just wanted to help.”

Brian slowly nods. Where the fuck am I and who is this person sitting in front of me? “Um, yeah.”

Justin forces himself to smile. “Sure you don’t want anything to eat?”

Brian nods, leaning against the kitchen counter as he brings the glass of Beam to his lips. He couldn’t help himself from watching Justin. He’s like a fuckin’ drug… a perfect drug.

Justin glances up, noticing the smile playing on Brian’s face. His own smile disappears once he recognizes that look. I’m not some fuck-toy.

Brian looks away. What in the fuck am I doing? He needed to escape. Think of a reason… anything, Kinney… think!

“So you had the day off?”

Brian nods, hating this trivial ‘small-talk.’ Staring at the rim of his glass, he tries to think of something to say.

“Are you going to Debbie’s tomorrow?” Justin asks, pretending to be interested in his grilled cheese sandwich.

“Are you?”

He shrugs, taking a bite of his sandwich and ignoring the glass of Beam in front of him. He wasn’t in the mood to drink, but only poured himself a glass to make Brian feel more comfortable.

Brian looks back at the door, “I should head to the office.”

“I thought you said you had the day off?”

He nods, setting his glass down. “Yeah… I left something--”

Justin puts his sandwich down, “Leave it, Brian. You have the day off. Is it really that important?”

Is he testing me? Brian thinks to himself.

Justin shrugs, deciding not to bother. “Whatever, Brian. Just go then.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Brian asks, without any anger in his voice, which in part, surprises him.

Sighing, he pulls up the quilt over his legs and leans back against the couch, “It means nothing, Brian. You came over here, for what? A drink? Whatever. You have things to do, go do them.”

“What the fuck?”

Justin laughs, “What the fuck what, Brian? Work is important to you, go to work. I’m not going to stand in your way.”

Brian continues to stand there. This has got to be a trick.

Justin smiles. He knew that Brian didn’t leave anything in the office. But he also knew that Brian was feeling torn about something. As much as Justin wanted to know what was going on in Brian’s head, he had to remind himself not to push.

Brian picks up his drink again, stating quietly, “It can wait.” What the fuck? Kinney, what are you doing? Get the fuck out of here!

Justin doesn’t respond. So now what?

Setting his drink down once again, Brian digs his hands into his back pockets. “So.”

Justin smiles, “So.”

Rolling his eyes, Brian exhales slowly. Relax, Kinney. Just fuckin’ relax. “So you got anything else here besides soup and sandwiches?”

Justin gets up from the couch, “Like what?” Heading to the kitchen, he opens the fridge and takes a step back. “See anything you like?”

Brian glances at Justin. Yes.

Justin, feeling the glance, turns away, blushing. Get a hold of yourself!

Brian looks away. Fuck. Unable to help it, he looks at Justin again, staring at the nape of his neck. Maybe it’s too soon for him. Fuck, that’s great, Kinney: Take advantage of the kid, way to go.

Justin purses his lips, staring intently at the contents in the fridge.

“Do you think about him?”

“Who?” Justin asks, avoiding eye-contact.

“Monkey-boy.”

Frowning, Justin looks up, “What?” Realizing whom he meant, Justin chuckles softly, “Ethan?” He shakes his head, “Not really.”

Not really. Brian looks back down at the glass. Why in the fuck did I ask him that?

Justin bites his lower lip, reaching into the fridge to push some items back. He wasn’t sure he liked where the conversation was heading.

“Do you miss him?”

“What?”

Brian sighs, hating that he felt the need to ask these questions. “Do you miss him? I know he was a fuckin’ asshole… but… do you miss him?”

Justin closes the fridge. Forcing a smile, he answers, “I miss his cat.”

“His what?”

Justin smiles again, hoping that he has just successfully moved away from any conversation about Ethan. “Wolfram…he’s was the most adorable little pussy cat EVER.”

Brian blinks a few times. Ookay. “You like cats?”

Walking away from the kitchen, Justin replies,“I love all animals, Brian, you know that.”

Brian nods. I know now. He wonders what other things about Justin he didn’t know about.

Justin smiles brightly, returning to the sofa, “My very first pet was a goldfish when I growing up. I had wanted a dog, but my mom said I was too little. So I opted for the fish.”

Brian takes another sip of his drink. We’ve come down to talking about fish?

“Did you ever have any pets?”

“No.”

“Oh.” Well that conversation ended pretty fast, way to go, Justin.

Brian walks past the kitchen and towards the window. “God, what a shitty day.”

Justin nods, glancing over his shoulder at the window. “It might snow tomorrow.”

“Probably.”

“I love the snow.”

Him and that fuckin’ word. “What’s with you and that word?”

“What word?” Justin asks innocently.

“That…” he waves his hands. Fuck, he wants me to say it? “That love word.”

Justin smiles softly, “What about it?”

“Why do you care so much about it? It’s just a fuckin’ word.”

Justin kneels up against the cushions on the couch, “It isn’t JUST a word, Brian. It means something.”

He scoffs at the thought. “It means nothing.”

“Yeah? Tell me what you think it means.”

“I already fuckin’ told you,” Brian states. “It means nothing.”

Climbing over the sofa, Justin sits on the top of it, holding on to the edge for balance. “Even nothing means something, Brian. Tell me. What do you think love means?”

He sighs, shaking his head. “Nothing. You love the fuckin’ snow, you love stupid cats and fishes…”

Justin interrupts, “Not THAT kind of love. I mean love-love! Love between two people… lovers love. Define THAT.”

Brian shrugs, “There’s no such thing.”

“Yes there is, tell me,” Justin insists.

Groaning, Brian returns to the kitchen to retrieve his glass. “Love… love is nothing, Justin. Love is something people tell themselves that they are in. It’s just a word. It means nothing.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I don’t care,” Brian states matter-of-factly.

“Yes you do.”

Brian is silent. Fuck.

Bringing his feet to the floor, Justin stands up straight. “Tell me what you think love is.”

“What’s the fuckin’ point?” he argues.

Justin replies dryly, “Humor me.”

Sighing deeply, Brian shakes his head. Fine. "Love... fuck. Love is... love is..." being betrayed. Pain. Hurt. Lies. Rubbing his eyes, his jaw twitches.

Justin waits patiently.

Brian looks back at the window, then at his drink. Finishing the burning liquid from it, he exhales harshly. "Love is giving up on yourself." Shaking his head, he continues, "Love is being another person with someone... no longer being you, but someone... fuck, NOT someone... but a PART of someone... it's sick. It's just fuckin' sick. Why in the fuck would anyone want that?"

Justin stands there, stunned. "You can't believe that! No. No way. That's not what you believe in! That's not love and you know it!"

Brian scoffs again, "Whatever the fuck."

Justin shakes his head, "No. Brian. You cannot honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that you believe all that shit."

"You tell me."

Exasperated, Justin throws his hands in the air, "Brian, that isn't what love is at all! I mean, not like that. Not the way you are saying it to be! Love is... fuck, it's not like THAT. Not how you make it out to be."

Brian laughs, "Oh really?"

Justin nods, his eyes wide, "Fuck yeah! Brian, love is wanting to be with one person and only that one person, and that person only wants to be with you too."

"Sounds like obsessive-compulsive."

Justin rolls his eyes, "No, Brian, it's not. Love is--"

"Becoming one." Brian waves his hands in the air for effect. Laughing, he states, "That's not love, that's fucking."

Justin shakes his head, "It's more than that, Brian."

Sighing, Brian decides to pour himself another drink, asking sarcastically, "Enlighten me."

Smirking, Justin walks over to the kitchen and sits on top of the counter. "Gladly."

Amused, Brian leans back against the wall, admiring the image in front of him.

"Love is--" Justin immediately snaps his fingers, "Hey! I'm up here."

Brian looks up, realizing his eyes were trailing down towards Justin's crotch.

Justin gives a scolding glance before continuing, "Love is opening yourself to someone and trusting them with your everything. Love is trusting that person. Wanting that person." Sighing, Justin feels like he's rambling. "Brian, love is feeling like your life is empty without that person."

"You've been watching too much TV."

"Damnit, Brian!" Justin argues, jumping off of the counter, "Why does everything have to be a joke to you?"

Brian doesn't react, and instead pours himself another drink.

Shaking his head, Justin walks back to the couch, "Love is knowing that you can always count on that one person. Love is never feeling alone, or scared. Love is... love is a feeling that you can't describe with only words..."

Brian begins to smile, "So words are shit."

Sighing, Justin leans against the side of the sofa. "Words help define the meaning of an action. You can't just have words without the action, and you can't just have an action without any words because, the action can be interpreted as something else without you meaning it to."

Brian nods, not trusting himself to speak.

Justin smiles weakly. "I like to hear the words once in awhile, Brian."

Knowing this is an open invitation, Brian looks down at the floor. Shit. I can't do this. Yes I can. No, fuck, I can't.

"Brian."

Slowly, Brian forces himself to meet Justin's gaze.

Justin speaks quietly, "I'm not going to push you to say anything you don't mean to say. I don't want that."

"I wouldn't say anything I don't mean, Justin."

He nods, knowing that it was truth. "I know. You've always been honest with me."

Brian looks back down at the floor. Not really. Not if by not saying the words meant that the actions were nothing... or interpreted in another way... fuck. But that's not my fault. It's not my fuckin' fault. I'm not a mind reader!

"What are you thinking about?"

Brian looks back up, "It wasn't my fault."

Justin nods. "I know."

"It wasn't yours either though."

Justin doesn't reply. Instead, he walks around the couch to sit down.

"I'm not a mind reader."

Justin nods, "Neither am I."

Smiling softly, Brian comments, "Then neither of us were in the wrong."

Justin smiles sadly, "But neither of us were in the right, either."

Brian nods. "So now what?"

"You tell me."

"Why the fuck do I have to say it?"

Justin laughs softly, "Because you already know how I feel, Brian! I'm not going to go running around Pittsburgh like some lost puppy chasing after you!"

Brian closes his eyes. Here it comes. "What do you want me to do?"

Justin doesn't take his eyes off of him. "I want you to tell me right now where I stand in your life."

Blinking, Brian stares at him for a few moments,"What?"

"I want to know where I stand in your life. Everyone has a place in it but me. Do you want me in your life or not? And if yes, tell me where in your life now. I can't keep running in circles with you, Brian. I need to know now."

"Now? What is this, an ultimatum?"

"No," Justin explains calmly. "This is me telling you that I refuse to be played with anymore. I'm a big boy, Brian. I can handle it. Tell me where you want me to be in your life. In or out."

Before Brian can stop himself, his mouth opens as he answers, "In."

Justin smiles softly. "See? That wasn't so bad, now was it?"

Fuckin' brat. Brian looks away. He hated feeling so... vulnerable.

"Brian?"

"What?"

Justin bites the inside of his cheek. Don't push him... too much. Don't push him too much too fast.

Taking another sip of his drink, Brian puts the glass down on the table. "I don't..." He stops himself. What if I hurt him? Or what if he hurts me?

"You don't what, Brian?" Justin asks.

Brian closes his eyes again. He loved Justin's voice. "I don't..."

Justin stands back up and walks over to Brian. "Do you trust me?"

Opening his eyes again, Brian is surprised to find Justin so close to him. "What?"

"Do you trust me? After what I did before. Do you still trust me?"

Looking into Justin's eyes, Brian can only nod.

He can feel his eyes filling with tears, but Justin forces them not to spill over. He trusts me! He still trusts me. "Then tell me."

Closing his eyes once again, Brian starts to feel dizzy. So many thoughts were flying in his mind. What if...?

"Brian, please," Justin asks softly, knowing that he was pushing but at the same time he couldn't help himself.

Turning away, Brian walks towards the window.

Justin bites his lower lip. Fuck. I did it again. I fuckin' pushed him away. "Brian," he begins softly, "it's okay. You don't have to tell me."

Brian turns back around to say something, but no words come out.

Smiling softly, Justin nods, "It's okay. Look, you told me you want me in your life. That's progress, right?" He smiles sadly. "Just... let me... no," he stops himself and changes the route of his line, "No pressure. I understand."

"Understand what?"

"That you aren't ready," Justin answers simply.

"No, it's not that, it's--" Again, Brian is lost for words. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want him in my life. I want him more than that. Why can't I fuckin' say it?

Justin returns to the couch and sits down. Though his soup had already gotten cold, he forces himself to bring a spoonful of it to his mouth.

Fuck. I can't be here. These walls. There's no fuckin' air in here. How can Justin stand it?

Justin doesn't move as he hears Brian opening the front the door and leaving the apartment. Closing his eyes, he whispers to himself, "Goodbye, Brian." I guess it wasn't meant to be. Tears flowing freely now, Justin angrily throws the spoon against the table. Fuck! It isn't fair! I fuckin' love Brian, and I know he loves me. I know it! Fuck, I know it. Right?.. Fuck. I don't know. Covering his face in his hands, Justin tries to stop shaking. It's not fuckin' fair.

~~~~~~~~

Brian stood outside Adrienne's door. Fuck! He knew he had probably hurt Justin again. "Fuck," he mutters to himself. He didn't mean for it to happen. He didn't mean to leave like that, without a word. He just needed some air. He needed to think. Damnit, Kinney.

Resting his head against the door, he tries to think. Fuck it. Okay Kinney, this is the final draw. There is no turning back. No more fuckin' games. Just tell the kid how you feel. Fuck, just say it! Why can't you fuckin' say it?

(memory) Ahmed whispered softly, "Don't blame me for what you've become, Brian."

"Fuck you," Brian whispered. The bracelet felt tight around Brian's wrist, as if mocking him. Grinding his teeth together, Brian takes a step forward and away from the door. Then stops. No. He wasn't going to let this happen. I am Brian Kinney. Brian Kinney gets what he wants. And I want Justin.

Looking back at the door, he knows it's unlocked. He knows he can simply open the door and walk back in. But he can't. Something is holding him back.

"Loving someone means letting them in and knowing that they can hurt you... but trusting them enough to know that they won't."

I trust Justin. But should I? Fuck, what kind of question is that? Of course I can fuckin' trust him... but can he trust me? Should he?... Fuck.

Taking a deep breath, he runs.