Finding my way (back to you)

As Brian hits the automatic lock button on his keyring, he lifts his collar for extra warmth against the cold drizzle that had been falling over the city all day. Spotting his salvation ahead, Brian opens the door to Woody’s and steps inside. He needed a drink.

“Hey, Brian, starting your rounds early today?”

Fuck. “Hello, Theodore,” Brian greets Ted without enthusiasm.

Ted smiles, giving Brian’s shoulder a friendly squeeze, “Buy you a drink?”

Brian is about to say one of his usual and expected snide remarks, but then concludes that a free drink isn’t such a bad deal. “Why the fuck not.”

Ted grins, “Great. Your usual?…Hey, Blake, could you get us two Beams, please?”

Brian tries not to roll his eyes, “He still works here?”

Ted nods proudly, “He’s the best.”

Brian shakes his head. Does he even KNOW how pathetic he sounds?

Ted continues to grin, “So will we be seeing you at Deb’s tomorrow?”

Brian presses his lips together. Can’t I get drunk first before having this conversation?

Ted glances over at Blake, commenting, “I’m so proud of him.”

“Fuck, Ted, can’t you wait until I’m drunk before you start saying shit like that?”

“Like what?” Ted asks honestly.

“Do you have any idea how pathetic you sound?”

Ted scoffs, “Right, this coming from you?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Blake walks over to their table and places the glasses in front of them. Ted smiles admiringly at his beau. Blake grins, winking at him before returning to the bar.

“Jesus, do you ever stop?” Brian mutters under his breath. Just seeing how much Ted had fallen for Blake was enough to make Brian sick.

“What was that?” Ted asks, barely listening as he watches Blake talk to some customers by the bar.

Brian takes his drink, gulping it down quickly. Just get me drunk.

Ted returns his attention to Brian, "What were we talking about?"

Brian is about to speak when someone enters the bar. For a split second he thinks it may be Justin, until the guy turns around. Shit. I thought that was him.

Ted turns around to see who Brian was looking at. Sighing heavily, he comments, "Already choosing your tricks?"

"Fuck off," Brian retorts with a smile. Of course he wasn't plannning to approach the twink. But knowing that Ted thought so made him smile. I am, after all, Brian Kinney. Watching the blonde sit down by the bar, Brian wonders if Justin ever stops by Woody's anymore. I haven't seen him... fuck, Kinney, stop thinking about that little shit! He gulps down some more of his drink, feeling the burn in the back of his throat. The blonde glances in Brian's direction and smiles shyly before returning his attention to Blake pouring him a drink. Not bad, Brian thought to himself. But as he stared at the blonde stranger, Brian suddenly found himself coming to a realization: he didn't WANT that blonde stranger. He didn't want to fuck some no-name trick... he wanted...Fuck, don't say it... don't even think it...

"Have you seen Justin lately?" Ted asks.

"What?" What the fuck?! Brian tries to keep his composure.

"Justin. I was trying to call Emmett yesterday to see if he needed a ride tomorrow to Deb's... but he wasn't home. Turns out he was out with Justin."

"And I care because...?" Brian asks, irritated. Why would Ted think I care about that twat?

Ted shrugs, "Just trying to make conversation."

"About Justin?" Brian presses. He has a sudden urge to grab Ted by his shirt and shake him.

Ted shrugs again, "Whatever then."

Brian scowls. Fuck him.

"So have you seen him?" Ted asks.

"Who?" Fuck, doesn't he ever quit?

"Justin. Melanie told me he's living above a gallery."

Brian doesn't say a word. He expects a reaction? What the fuck for?

Ted shakes his head, “Look, inquiring minds want to know, okay?”

“Know what?”

“What’s the deal between you and Justin?” Ted waits to see if Brian will respond. When he doesn’t, Ted continues, “Mel said you took him home the other day.”

Brian reaches for some nuts in the bowl on the table, casually popping them in his mouth. So fuckin’ what? “Since when does me taking Justin home mean anything?” Can’t anyone mind their own fuckin’ business anymore?

Ted shrugs, “I dunno…”

Brian knew that Ted was hiding something, “What?”

“Nothing!” Ted answers quickly.

“Fuckin’ liar. Tell me.”

Ted shrugs again, trying to brush the comment off, “Nothing, it was just something Emmett said to me on the phone.”

“What the fuck did he say?” Brian was becoming agitated. What in the fuck does everyone in this fuckin’ city seem to know but me?

“It was nothing, just a comment…”

“I am losing my patience.”

“Gee, what a shock.”

Rubbing his temples, Brian looks away, turning his attention back to the blonde at the bar.

Ted glances at the blonde and then turns back to Brian, commenting, “He looks like Boy-Wonder.”

“What?”

“Boy-Wonder. You know, Justin.”

“I know who the fuck you meant. Don’t fuckin’ call him that. Fuck…” Brian shakes his head, taking another drink before adding, “and no, he doesn’t look a thing like Justin.”

Ted turns back to the blonde, “Well he’s blonde, and he looks to be about Justin’s height…”

“He doesn’t fuckin’ look like him.”

“Fine,” Ted dismisses the statement, not in the mood to begin an argument over something this trivial.

Rolling his eyes, Brian sets his glass of Beam down. Looking back at the blonde at the bar, Brian shakes his head. He looks nothing like Justin. That’s just some blonde twink drinking a Bud or some shit like that… and why in the fuck am I thinking about Justin again? Fuck. “What did Emmett say?”

“Excuse me?”

Brian expels an annoyed sigh, “Emmett. What did he say?” Fuck, why do I care?

Ted shrugs, “It doesn’t matter anymore. It was nothing.”

“Will you just fuckin’ tell me?”

Ted sighs, glancing over at Blake. He knew that making Brian wait would only agitate him more, but for some reason Ted felt the need to do so.

“Damnit, Ted, you’re fuckin’ irritating me.”

Ted laughs, taking a drink, “Thank you.”

“Well?”

Ted smiles, setting down his drink, “Well…”

Fuck, I swear I’m going to kick his ass…”

“Emmett made a comment to me about something Justin had said.”

Brian’s eyes flicker, but he tries to conceal any emotion. It’s too late though: Ted saw that he had Brian’s full attention.

“Justin said that he was done doing the chasing.”

"What the fuck does that mean?"

Ted nods with a sarcastic grin. Lifting his bottle up to the air, he toasts, "The kid woke up."

-------------------------------------------

The cold rush of air hit his face hard as Brian quickly exited the bar. He couldn’t stand being there any longer. What the fuck did Justin mean by that? He could still hear Ted laughing and asking him "Hey, where are you going, Brian?" as Brian stood up and angrily made his way out the door.

The drizzling rain had lessened slightly, yet the cold wind made the weather feel only harsher under the afternoon sky. Brian zips up his jacket as he walks against the strong wind. Justin. Everything always came back to Justin. It didn’t matter what Brian was thinking or doing, Justin would always somehow appear in his mind or in the conversation. It wasn’t fair. Why the fuck does it have to be so complicated? Stumbling over the pebbled path behind the factories, Brian wanders over to the city’s water plant. He needed to be alone. He needed to think. His head was pounding. Lighting up a cigarette, he stops by the metal railing above the man-made lake beneath him. The cold wind swept around him. Brian closes his eyes for a moment, feeling the burn behind his eyelids. He hadn't realized how tired he was until now.

Things used to be so easy. When did it all become so fuckin’ hard? He kept wondering if what Ted had said was true. Was Justin giving up?… on what? On us?.. Fuck, what does that even fuckin’ mean? Was there ever even a fuckin’ us? Shaking his head, he looks up at the sky. The blueness reminds him of Justin. What did Justin mean about chasing? Did he think it was all one fuckin’ game?… Nothing was making any sense to him anymore.

Shifting his gaze back down to the water, Brian stares at the depth of it. He always loved the water. Something about it always seemed to give him a sense of ease. Of course an opened water pump in itself wasn't as calming as an ocean, but it would have to do for now.

Justin. What was it about him that Brian found so damn irresistable? He's a brat. He's stubborn... He shakes his head again. He missed Justin. Fuck. And now when he was finally ready to admit it, it was too late. It's for the fuckin' best, Kinney. You would've just ended up hurting him again...or worse. Sighing, Brian finishes off his cigarette and begins to light up a second one. He hated this feeling. This empty feeling that just seemed to be getting larger and deeper in the pit of his stomach... it was beyond painful: it was numbing.

And usually Brian wouldn't mind that. But this was different. How the fuck is this different? He knew why. Justin. The thought of being with Justin scared him almost as much as thought of being without him. This was new to him.

(memory) “Everybody needs somebody,” Ahmed reasoned.

Fuck him. The thought of Ahmed trying to pacify him was enough to make Brian scream, even if only at a memory.

(memory) Standing in front of the hospital entrance, Ahmed slowly met Brian's gaze. He whispered softly, "Don't blame me for what you've become, Brian." Brian snickered, "Like I'd ever give you the credit."

Staring down at his cowry bracelet, Brian has a sudden urge to rip it off and toss it over the railing. Pulling the string of it with his fingers, he stops himself. What the fuck am I doing? He hadn't taken it off for years, except for when he lent it to Ted for one night... but even that felt strange. For that night, being without the shell bracelet made Brian feel...different. Lighter... yet vulnerable. He didn't like that feeling, didn't trust it. And once the bracelet was back on his wrist, Brian felt like Brian again. And who the fuck is Brian anyway? He groans with annoyance. This philosophical shit was getting on his nerves. He needed another drink. With a sigh, he traces the contours of the bracelet with his fingertips.

(memory) Justin smiles, amused, “Brian, you don’t need a bracelet to remind you of who you are…”

Brian nods. He knew that. But what if... Even putting it into words was enough to make Brian feel like running. Look at yourself, Kinney. Just fuckin' look at yourself. Look at what you are! Nothing made sense. Justin deserves better... Thinking back, Brian remembers to when he was around Justin's age. His thoughts, dreams... the idealism he had with Ahmed... and how it was all destroyed.

(memory)"Loving someone means letting them in and knowing that they can hurt you... but trusting them enough to know that they won't."

Who the fuck said that Hallmark line? The rain had finally stopped, but the cold air seemed to have only gotten colder. Finishing his second cigeratte, Brian digs his hands into his pockets and starts to walk back towards the main walkway.

What if I'm just like Ahmed? The thought pained him.

(memory) "Don't blame me for what you've become, Brian."

"Fuck you!" Brian barked loudly, not caring if anyone heard him. He did blame Ahmed. And I fuckin' hate him! Quickening his steps, Brian turns the corner and heads towards his jeep. He didn't know where he was going, nor did he care. Slamming the door shut, Brian powerlocks the doors and then rests his head on the steering wheel. Fuck.

It was too much. Sitting up, Brian exhales slowly. He knew what he wanted: Justin. He knew what he needed: Justin. But want and need were very different from having and getting.

What are you getting yourself into? Brian had to ask himself. You fuckin' know what happens when you let someone in like that...

"Loving someone means letting them in and knowing that they can hurt you... but trusting them enough to know that they won't."

He knew Justin would never intentionally hurt him... but it was the unintentional incidents that hurt the most. Was he ready to let that happen? Fuck no! Starting the engine, Brian turns on the radio. And fuck him hurting me...what if I hurt him...again?... I'm no fuckin' better than Ahmed.

This was getting him nowhere. Who the fuck cares?! Knowing the answer, Brian puts the jeep into drive and speeds towards the gallery.