Wilted Roses

The ride back to the apartment was silent. Brian stared straight ahead as he griped the wheel, Why in the fuck did I kiss him? He couldn’t believe he let Justin get to him again. Justin stared down at his hands. His lips still tingled from the heat of the kiss. I know he felt it… he felt the electricity, I know because I felt it too… it’s still there. It never left. But what did that mean? Justin didn’t know. “Brian?” He softly asks. “I turn left here, right?” Justin nods, “Yeah, at the light…” Why does he have to pretend that nothing happened? He kisses me and then tells me to get my shit so we can go… and now here we are… and what now?… Justin had to know, “Why did you kiss me?” Brian shrugs, still staring at the road even though they were at a red light, “Are you complaining?” Justin looks out the window, softly answering, “No.” Brian doesn’t say anything. “Brian?” “Yeah?” His voice sounded ragged. “Did you like it?” He shrugs again, refusing to give an answer, Let him read it any fuckin’ way he wants. Finally Justin turns back to look at him, touching his thigh. Brian jumps at the touch, but quickly regains composure. He continues to drive, pretending not to notice where Justin’s hand is. Justin’s voice is soft and barely audible, “Did you laugh at me?” Brian frowns, What? “What in the fuck are you talking about?” Justin doesn’t remove his hand, but he stops looking at Brian as he continues his question, “When you knew that I loved you. Did you laugh at me?” Brian is confused, but tries not to sound angry, “Why would I laugh at you?” He looks down, “Because you don’t believe in love.” Brian is quiet. Does he really believe that I would laugh at that? “I never laughed, Justin.” That’s all he knew what to say. Justin looks up at him again, searching his face for some sort of truth. “We’re here.” Brian stops in front of the apartment complex. Justin nods sadly, “Thanks for the lift.” Brian shrugs, “Whatever.” Fuck… just let him go, Kinney. Justin undoes his seatbelt, trying to keep his hands from shaking. What does he feel? Why won’t he tell me what he feels?? Brian watches him, wanting to say so many things but unable to put them into words. He missed Justin. “Don’t forget my picture, Justin.” Justin looks up, His eyes… My God… Brian’s eyes ripped into his soul and all at once Justin felt his body shudder. I need him. Brian could sense immediately what Justin was feeling: he felt it too. Just one more taste… He couldn’t help himself and he knew Justin wouldn’t stop him. Taking Justin’s face into his hands, Brian quickly pulls him into a kiss. His mouth is incredible… Brian’s tongue plunged deeper into Justin’s mouth, wanting to swallow him or be swallowed by him, none of it mattered anymore in this moment. It was almost… Primal .

Brian pushed Justin away, remembering. Shit. Justin fell forward slightly, catching his breath. His cheeks were flushed, which made Brian want to grab Justin again, only instead of kissing him he wanted to fuck him. He wanted to fuck him until they both passed out from exhaustion. “Get out.” He didn’t say it with malice, just direct. Justin swallows, nodding. He needed to get out of the jeep before he did something he knew he would later regret. Without any words, Justin opened the door, took his school bag and left. Don’t look back… just keep walking…

Brian watched him enter the apartment. His heart was breaking. Fuck him… Fuck him! He was angry now. Hitting the accelerator, Brian decided to go to Woody’s anyway, he needed to fuck out his frustration on someone who was as horny as he was right now.

Justin heard the car speed off. He couldn’t wait to be rid of me. But he wasn’t angry anymore. All he felt was sadness. If only he loved me. Entering the apartment, he put down his keys and sat on the couch. He missed Brian. But Brian just misses fucking me, nothing more. That’s all I was ever good for to him. A good fuck.

He heard the key turn and was surprised to see Ethan enter. He forces a smile, “You’re early.” Ethan nods, “I know.” Justin noticed the tension. “Um… how was practice?” Ethan put down his violin case and hung up his coat, “The room was freezing again.” Justin swallows nervously, “I’m sorry. Would you like me to make you some tea?” Ethan stands in front of him, his arms crossed. He was waiting for something. Justin bites his lip, “Um… would you prefer hot chocolate instead?” Ethan exhales slowly, he was obviously upset about something, but he was waiting for Justin to say what he wanted to hear. Only Justin had no idea what that was. Finally Ethan speaks, “How was work?” “Fine.” Justin looked away, unable to take the scrutiny. “Did Brian show up?” Justin lied, “No.” “Liar.” Justin looked up, stunned. But before he was able to register that remark, Ethan’s hand swings down and slaps Justin hard across the face. The burning sensation stung Justin’s cheek. His mind spun. What just happened? I don’t understand… Nothing was making sense anymore. Ethan grabs Justin by the shoulders and pulls him up so that they stand face to face. Ethan’s eyes were cold, his voice trembled with anger, “I saw you.” Justin’s knees became weak. He saw us?.. Did he see us kiss? Ethan lets him go, and Justin fell back onto the couch, unable to stand on his own. He was too stunned to cry. Ethan pointed at him, his voice wavering, “I saw you… you were going into our building, and his jeep was there… he took you home.” Justin nodded, somewhat relieved that Ethan didn’t see the kiss, but nonetheless still afraid. Ethan tried to calm his voice, his hands were in fists as he kept them to his side, “Why did you just lie to me?” Justin stammered, “I…” The tears finally escaped and streamed down his face. Ethan screams in frustration, “Answer me!” He covers his ears, “I don’t know! I don’t know!” Ethan grabs him again, shaking him hard, “Tell me, damnit!! How long have you been lying to me?!” Justin cries out, covering his ears with his hands as Ethan shakes him harder. “Never! I’m sorry! I don’t know why I did… I never lied… I never lied!” Ethan throws him against the wall, and Justin lets himself slide to the floor, sobbing. “Liar! Everything that comes out of your mouth is an ugly lie!” Justin shakes his head, unable to speak. Why did I have to lie? Why did I lie? Grabbing his arm, Ethan yanks Justin back up and flings him onto the bed, demanding to know, “So did you let him fuck you?” Justin shakes his head, “No… Ethan…” he couldn’t breath, everything was going black around him. Oh God, Oh God… what have I done? Ethan snatches Justin by the face, holding his chin as he stares vehemently into Justin’s frightened eyes. He asks coldly, “And how the fuck can I believe you, huh?” Justin jumps at his voice. He whispers, “Ethan, I’m sorry…” He thought his teeth would break if Ethan gripped any harder. Ethan shushes him, “Shut it. I don’t want to hear anymore lies from you.” Justin trembles, “But I’m not…” He’ll never believe me again… Ethan stares at him, disgusted. “After everything I have ever done for you… after everything I have given you… my love, my soul!…this is how you repay me?!” He pushes Justin’s face away. Justin falls back onto the bed, catching himself with his elbows. He tries to sit up, but Ethan pushes him back down, straddling above him.

Leaning down, Ethan’s curls fall against Justin’s forehead. Justin thinks he may faint in fear. Ethan whispers, “Did he kiss you?” Justin tries to cry out, but in his fear he's unable to produce any sound, it was as if someone was pressing down against his vocal cords. Ethan brings his face down closer, his lips barely touching Justin's as he asks again, his voice eeriely calm, "Did he kiss you?" Justin opens his mouth again, this time a small voice that he barely even recognized to be his own answered, "You won't believe me anyway..." His heart was racing a mile a minute. Ethan smirks, and Justin thinks he might have gotten away with it until Ethan shouts, "Stop playing these fuckin' games with me!!" Justin jolts, pressing himself deeper into the bed and farther from Ethan's angry glare. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do... Ethan gives a dark smile, "Do you like playing games?" Justin shivers. Ethan sits up slightly, still straddling Justin, and pulls off Justin's shirt. Justin doesn't resist, he was too scared to scream, much less move. He stares at Ethan removing his own shirt, What's happening? Scream.. help.. scream help, damnit! scream! Justin scanned the room, was there anything he could grab? "Look at me." Ethan's voice was calm, frightening. Justin returned his gaze to Ethan. Slowly, Ethan gets off of Justin, not taking his eyes off of him as he commands, "Take off your jeans, and lie back down." Justin doesn't move. Ethan stares at him. After two seconds, he grabs Justin by the arm again, pulling him up like a rag doll, stating, "Don't make me repeat myself, Justin." Cautiously, Justin pulls off his jeans. His entire body was shaking with fear. Ethan pushes him back onto the bed and removes his jeans as well. "Since you love playing games so much, Justin... let's play one." Justin shakes his head, trying not to become hysterical, "No.. I don't--" Ethan mocks, "Why not? You seem to love playing them so much with Brian ... why not with me?" He pushes Justin's shoulder, "Huh? Why not, Justin?... tell me!" Angerily, he pulls Justin up and brings him to his face, "Why the fuck not?!" Justin starts to sob again, "Please, Ethan..." He has nothing else to say. Ethan pushes him back onto the bed, straddling him once again, "Tell me, Justin." Justin gasps between sobs, shaking his head before covering his face in his hands. Oh God if he's going to do this to me... let him just do it now.. just let it be over soon... He feels Ethan leaning in closer. No...No...No... He wonders if it was worth it. If kissing Brian was really worth this. Suddenly he feels Ethan's mouth gently kiss his hand. He whispers in Justin's ear, "I don't play games because games hurt, Justin." Justin tries to listen as he controls his rapid breathing. Ethan kisses his earlobe, "Playing games was what you did with Brian, wasn't it?... He liked playing games with you. Fucking everyone and everything that moved... you were his whore. That was his game: keeping you as his whore." Justin quivers, not saying a word. Ethan gently takes Justin's hands away from his face, saying, "I don't play games, Justin. I think you prefer that, don't you?" Justin nods, staring at Ethan's now calm and tranquil face. He was so confused, but mostly scared. Ethan returns the nod, "You aren't my WHORE, Justin Taylor. You mean more to me that just fucking. You are my partner. You are my love. You are my life. You-are-mine. Does that mean anything to you?" Again Justin nods, too scared to use his voice. He sighs, combing Justin's blonde hair back, "Stop... I didn't mean to scare you like that... calm down..." He kisses Justin's forehead, his voice tired, yet seemingly sincere. "I just.. I get so angry when I see you falling back into his game... you're just a game to him, Justin. Why can't you see that?" Justin doesn't answer him, though he wonders himself Why can't I accept that Brian doesn't love me, or want me for that matter, the way I want him? Maybe it is true. Maybe Brian just likes to know that I'll always be available for him... it's all a game. Ethan kisses him again, whispering, "I'm sorry if I scared you." Justin doesn't respond. His head was spinning. Nothing felt real anymore. Ethan continues to kiss down Justin's throat and up to his lips. Looking at him, he asks lovingly, "Forgiven?" Justin stares at him, emotionless. He was emotionally drained. Ethan traces the contours of Justin's face with his finger, "I love you, Justin Taylor." Justin remains silent. It's like I'm watching a movie... I'm not really here... this isn't me... Ethan kisses his lips again, resting his forehead against Justin's, "Justin.. please say something..." Justin stares ahead numbly. What does he expect me to say? To Justin's unexpected surprise, Ethan begins to cry. He can feel the tears fall onto his skin. Is he really crying? "Justin, my love... please... I'm sorry... forgive me, baby... I just get so angry when I know someone is going to hurt you... I love you too much to see you hurt... Brian is constantly hurting you... and you just let him do it... you practically ask for it... I just... it makes me feel helpless.. God, Justin, say something!" Slowly, Justin shifts his gaze to Ethan. Ethan smiles, his face wet with tears, "See what you're doing to me?... I'm crying now... don't scare me like that, baby..." He kisses Justin again, "I won't be able to live without you in my life... you are my life." Justin feels his eyes begin to close. Let this night be over... just let me forget this ever happened. Ethan wraps his arms around Justin, pulling Justin on top of him as he rolls over on the bed. Justin's head rests on Ethan's chest. "Justin, I promise I'll make this right...you'll see. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you anymore. You're mine, Justin... no one else's. And we're going to be perfect. You'll see. In time you'll learn, and you'll see that I was right along." He kisses Justin's hair, whispering, "I love you, Justin Taylor." ...Tonight however, those words didn't have the same meaning as they usually did for Justin...