WHITE ‘White light is made up of many different colours and you can see this when you spread the light out into a rainbow’— Amazing-space.stsci.edu ORANGE “Orange…is often used a warning colour, signifying a need for caution”— Dictonary.com “Orange has recently begun to be associated with global opposition…”—Sensationalcolor.com “Native Americans associated the colour orange with kinship.”—Dictonary.com Justin’s POV “You have to tell your Mom.” Daphne stopped pacing the room and sank down on the plush orange sofa beside me. She put a hand on my upper arm, and as Daphne had never been the touchy-feely type, I knew the contact was a strong indicator that she was desperately trying to get through to me. “You have to.” “I know.” I moaned, so absolutely drained from the effort of telling her that I couldn’t even raise my head from my hands. “But I can’t tell her something like this over the phone…I just…I can’t. It would ruin her holiday.” Jesus, that sounded lame. “Oh, for fuck sake, Justin!” Daphne pushed herself from the couch and stood directly in front of me, grabbing my shoulders and forcing me to look into her dark eyes that were awash with exasperation, confusion and fear. “You have cancer, for Christ sake! Don’t you think your mother would want you to tell her that?! Don’t you think she’d want to know? She’d want to be here with you, Justin. She’s your Goddamn mother, for crying in the sink!” “It might not be cancer.” I argued feebly. It sounded pathetic to my ears, and I didn’t really believe there was any potential for it at all, knowing my luck. But I didn’t want to jinx the chance by eliminating the possibility completely. Now was a time to be cautious with words…to touch wood, to be careful what I wished for, and to avoid asking ‘why?’. “Don’t try to change the fucking subject!” Daphne hurled to words me. She was scared, shit scared -I’d known her long enough to be able to tell that. But unlike me, who just lost it completely, Daphne dealt with fear by getting angry- at herself or anyone nearby on whom she could direct her powerful emotions. In all the years I’d known her, I’d never known Daphne to shed a single tear (I was the weeper in this friendship). I had always been envious of her commendable spirit and iron will. That’s why I’d told her. I had to tell someone. Mom had taken Molly to the Thousand Islands to visit an elusive aunt and uncle during her Midterm Break. I wondered if it was fate, or just really bad luck, that had dictated that this was the week my world would fall apart again (or so it seemed at that moment). I wanted to tell my mother, of course I did- no matter how hard I pushed her away and told her I didn’t need her, my heart would always betray me and that maternal need- that need for comfort, acceptance, unconditional love- would always send me back to her. It was the tie that binds, and I was bound. But I just couldn’t tell her that her only son, the son she’d already almost lost once, was again drowning in the deadly wrath of circumstance…at least, not when she was five hundred miles away. I wanted her here physically; I wanted to see her face, her emotions to mingle with mine when I told her. I wanted her comfort, her kinship. “Daph.” I reached out and grabbed her wrist as she paced by me in agitation, pulling her onto the sofa next to me again. Her anger had ebbed, but the pain and fear was still clear in her eyes. “I can’t tell my Mom now. I have to wait until she gets back. I just…I just need to. You understand that, don’t you?” “Whatever.” She tried to sound like she didn’t care but I knew she did. I reached out and took her hand in both of mine. She turned her head and gave me a look of such deep concern, of such naked distress, that I felt a lump rise in my throat. I leaned forward and put my forehead against hers. She closed her eyes and I closed mine, and we stayed like that for a long time, calming one another with the words and thoughts we didn’t have to speak. “I wish I could tell Brian.” I heard my own whispered voice, but as I don’t recall thinking those words, I knew they came directly from my heart. The statement hung in the air between us, refusing to dissipate. Daphne squeezed my hands, but didn’t open her eyes or pull away. “Then tell him, Justin. Go to him and tell him you love him. Tell him Ethan was just a supreme fuck-up on your part and that you’re sorry. Tell him you need him.” I started to cry again then, I felt the hot tears well under my eyes and spill down my face. My breath caught in my throat. I heard Daphne give a sigh, a hang-on-I’ll-get-the-kleenex sigh, and felt her get off the couch in search of the box of tissues I’d already half-emptied that day. She brought the back to the sofa, pulled out a tissue and handed it to me. “Is that all I get?” I managed to choke out a laugh through my tears. I reached for the box and pulled out another six or seven. “This is going to be a multi-kleenex conversation.” Daphne smiled gently and sat down beside me. She leaned forward and rested her forearms on her knees, looking sideways at me. “You should tell him, Justin. If you still love him so much you were willing to chase after him…he must still love you.” I shook my head. That wasn’t logical. It didn’t follow. “I can’t.” I whispered. “He’ll think I’m just trying to score sympathy points. He’ll think it’s a ploy to get back together with him. What if I tell him and he doesn’t care?” “He cared when Chris fucking Hobbs bashed your head in, didn’t he? You don’t know what he was like when you were in hospital. He asked me every single time he saw me if you were alright, how you were doing, when you’d be out. He was worried out of his mind. He fucking cared, Justin.” I looked at her through my tear-filled eyes. Her own dark eyes were full of emotion, full of crystal clear certainty. I knew what she had just told me was absolutely true. But I couldn’t get carried away- the beautiful paradise that was a life with Brian was stretched out before me in my mind’s eye, but the bright orange sign reading ‘Caution! Do not enter!’ appeared ever time I stepped onto its threshold. “I hurt him Daph. I know I did. I left him.” There. I’d said it…I LEFT HIM. I’d hurt him, made him suffer. How could I go to him now and demand he care now that it was me who was hurting? Why not add more stress and worry and pain to my already overflowing dept. to him? And if he didn’t care…why should he? He had every right to turn around and say I deserved this. And perhaps I did…I’d left him. The tears began to fall faster and I made no effort to stifle them. Daphne sat with me for a while, not saying anything, not touching me, but was just there. I wasn’t sure if she couldn’t think of a reply to my absolution, or if she didn’t want to upset me any more. I didn’t care. She was there for me, as she had always been and always would be. Best friends, bosom buddies, soul mates… And I had misjudged just how much she cared. Enough to slip out of the apartment that night when I was asleep. Enough to drive through the dark rain streaked streets at two in the morning. Enough to wake Brian up and demand to be let into his loft. Enough to tell Brian everything.