This fic. is dedicated to harka. She’s the one who got it into my head to get down to writing something new and I thank her for it. This is a thought that has been weirdly enough circling my mind for a long time now and I wasn’t even sure I could actually write it but last night I sat down and it all came out. So here it is and I hope you all enjoy it. Oh and don’t worry, everything is going to be okay......SATURN
Something Or Other
Justin’s POV:
“Hey Justin,” I hear Ben say from beside me and I turn towards him as I am coming out of the diner.
“Hey Ben,” I say with a bright smile. I’m actually a bit surprised he’s talking to me given that I just outed the fact that he and Brian slept together. Not that it wouldn’t of come out eventually anyhow, but it really wasn’t my place to say anything and I actually do feel bad about it. Even though it was kinda nice to take Michael down a notch for a change.
“You just get off?” he asks.
“Yeah, and thank god. I never thought I’d get out of there,” I say with a laugh that he returns. “So are you headed to the comic shop?”
“Yeah, I thought I’d see how Michael was doing,” and I can see the anguish that all this is causing him in his eyes and I feel all the more horrible.
“Do you mind some company?” at his questioning gaze I tell him my plans for the evening. “I was headed over there myself.”
“Sure then, I don’t mind,” he says and we start to make our way, and even though I know Brian won’t accept an apology from me because he thinks they’re bullshit I know they aren’t and I know I owe some major apologies.
“Listen Ben,” I say looking up to him as he looks down. “I wanted to apologies for letting out that you and Brian slept together…”
“It’s alright Justin,” he says waving me off. “It would’ve come out eventually, and I didn’t want to lie to Michael about it in any case…”
“Maybe but it still was wrong of me to let it loose. It should’ve been you who decided when and how that came out and I really am sorry.” I say sincerely.
“Well then I accept your apology,” he says with a smile and holds out his hand and we shake as we both smile.
“So was it hot?” I ask with a laugh as we turn the corner and when I look up at his face it’s fuckin priceless and I burst out laughing. The pure indignation is just to much. “Shit I was only kidding,” I say doubled over now.
“Jesus Justin,” he says with a huff. “I think you’ve been hanging around Brian to long.”
“Maybe,” I say finally straightening out. “But this was before my time so I really have no right to be indignant about any of it.”
“Maybe you could explain that to Michael,” he says turning serious again and I thread my arm through his.
“I don’t think that would quite do it,” I say just as seriously and he just nods his head. “It’s not that he doesn’t care a great deal for you, because I have watched him and I know he does. I even think he’s in love with you, but giving up something that has been a dream for over fourteen years of your life is a hard thing to do.” I say really trying to make up for my faux pa.
“I know, but it’s hard to be second best,”
“Yeah I know,” I say just as breathless as him because god do I know. I play second best to a lot of things when it comes to Brian but I know that he cares about me and that’s all I need right now.
“I’m sure you do,” he puts his hand over mine and gives it a squeeze and I give him a slight smile to tell him that I’m okay and we keep walking. “So what exactly are you going to the comic book shop for anyways?”
“I wanted to apologies to Michael,” I say simply.
“Really?” he says sounding surprised and when I look up I can see his eyebrows practically up to hairline.
“Yes really,” I say with a laugh shaking my head at his disbelief. “Do you really think I am that heartless?”
“No it’s not that. It’s just that…” he trails off but with my arm still ensconced in his I give him a little tug into my side and he smiles at me. “It’s just that I have seen some of the things that Michael has done to you and sometimes the things he says,” I give a nod of understanding I mean what else am I gonna do? That’s all true. “So why would you apologize for this?”
“I can’t control what other people do or say about me,” I say looking to him. “But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be the best fag I can be,” at his smile and shake of the head I reply. “Brian’s words,” I say with a smile and I watch as he nods his head in understanding with a smile. “So that means when I’m wrong,” I say I’m wrong.”
“That’s from Dirty Dancing,” he says with a laugh.
“Yeah, it’s one of Brian’ favoritest movies.” I say with a flourish that I know he gets.
“Patrick Swazye was pretty hot in that movie,” he says with a lift of his eyebrows, and I nod in agreement.
“I’d fuck him,” I say simply and we both laugh as we come up on the store, I look over into the window and I come to a full and complete stop. Oh my fucking god!
“Justin?” I can faintly hear Ben saying my name but before long everything becomes white noise. I can feel my stomach turning and I feel my head spinning and I know I am going to be sick and I yank my arm from his and turn to the gutter letting the contents of my stomach out. I feel my knees give out but I feel Ben’s arms come around my waist before I can hit the ground, but I’m still dry heaving. Shit that can’t be right.
“I couldn’t have seen right,” I say in disbelief, cause Brian would never do this to me. He wouldn’t… I start to stand up and with Ben’s help I do, but when I turn to look into the window again he halts me.
“Justin, no…” I look into his eyes and I can see the anguish and pain there and I can feel the tears staring to run over but I still can’t believe this. I try to yank myself out of his grasp but he’s too strong. “No Justin,”
“You‘re wrong,” I say in a sob.
“I’m sorry,” he says bringing his arms around me but I fight him. He has to be wrong… I have to be wrong.
“I have to be wrong,” I say shoving him away from me as hard as I can but he keeps his grip on me even though I find my fist coming down against him anyway I can. But he still holds me tight whispering I’m so sorry over and over in my ear and I realize; I’m not wrong... He’s not wrong. That really was Brian fucking, and even kissing Michael against the wall in the comic book shop, for the whole world to see. For me to see. I feel myself going numb almost immediately but I can’t seem to stop myself and truthfully I don’t really want to. I give up my fight against Ben and allow him to lead me away from this. I have no idea where we’re going, nor do I care; just as long as it’s far away from here.
I don’t know how long it’s been but I finally come back around to find Ben taking off my jacket and I notice we’re in a nice apartment. Which I am assuming to be Ben’s.
“Come on let’s sit you down,” he says leading me over to the couch and I’m still having trouble figuring out if the ground is in fact beneath me, so I am grateful for his help. He sits me down and moves away but that’s all I notice as my gaze is now centered in on a blank off white patch of wall straight ahead of me.
“Here,” I hear him say gently and I look over a bit to see a bottle of water being held out to me and so I take it. I feel him sit next to me but I can’t seem to be bothered as my gaze goes back to that blank spot on the wall. “You should try and drink some…” he says so I raise the bottle and do as I’m told. “Slowly…” he says grabbing the bottle from me. “You don’t want to get sick again.”
“No, we wouldn’t want that,” I say softly with a chuckle that I don‘t feel what so ever.
“I’m sorry Justin,” he says putting his arm around me and rubbing my arm.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” I say with a shake of my head still looking at the blank spot. I can’t seem to take my eyes away from it, which is probably a good thing right about now.
“I know how much you love him,” and I give another chuckle of what I’m quickly figuring out is nothing but pure disbelief.
“How could this happen?” I ask finally voicing my disbelief while shaking my head. ‘Cause I sure as fuck don’t get this shit.
“I was always worried that this very thing might happen,” I hear Ben say and I can’t believe it because I wasn’t, and when I look at him I know he can see just how much I doubted this would ever happen. “I can’t believe that it never crossed your mind.” he says honestly and heart felt and I guess at the beginning I had my doubts; sometimes. But then I don’t know, after I got to know everyone and especially Brian and even Michael I just lost that doubt. It really never seemed plausible and plus after everything with the prom and after that, me living with him and him being there for me as much as he could, and us practically being a couple. Not to mention him coming to me and telling me flat out that he wanted to come home to me… no after all that. So no I never in a million years would’ve thought that this was how it was going to end.
“I guess I was just to much in love to see it coming,” I finally admit. Because that’s got to be what it was. This must be what they mean by love is blind and I hear that chuckle again. I look away then back to my blank spot as Ben continues to rub my arm. “I’m sorry you got roped into all this.”
“Loves always a gamble,” he says quietly and I nod my head knowing it’s true especially knowing what I lost in Brian. “But I’m glad I gave it a shot… at least I can’t say I didn’t try.” I hear a sniffle coming from him and I turn in his arm and wrap my arms around his neck as he wraps his other arm tightly around my waist, and we just hang on to each other. Both of us sniffling and I know I have unstoppable tears running down my cheeks; but fuck if I could stop them. I’m to broken to even really try. So instead I just share my pain with the only person that knows what I’m feeling right now.
“I know you’re going to need a place to stay,” he says when we finally pull it some what together to break a part. But I shake my head. I couldn’t expect him to do something like that. It’s not like I haven’t done this before. I’m sure I’ll land on my feet, even without Brian’s help. “No really stay here with me,”
“Maybe just for tonight,” I say because I don’t think I could make it anywhere on my own right now.
“Justin that makes no sense,” he says wiping his eyes as I do the same. “I have a spare bedroom, and if you think about it, this is probably the best solution for us both.”
“How the hell do you figure that?” I ask seriously wondering how in the world he came to that conclusion.
“Think about your prospects Justin,” and the wheels in my head slowly start to turn but he beats me to the punch for which I am grateful, because seriously I don’t want to do any heavy thinking right now. “There’s Debbie’s… Michael’s mom,”
“Hmmm,” I groan with my face twisting up a bit at that prospect. Having to see the happy couple come over to visit the in-laws. Shit fuck that.
“Or there’s Lindsey and Mel’s,” he says raising his eyebrows and even though I know they’d take me in with no hesitations they have enough on their plates without adding me to the mix. Not to mention the little fact that Lindsey is one of Brian’s and Michael’s best friends and would no doubt bring the happy couple over for brunch. I grimace at the thought of having to endure that. Plus Gus is there, so no doubt I would have to endure the family visits. Again fuck that. “Then there’s Ted,” both our eyes go wide at that thought and nothing more needs to be said. “Emmett’s out of the question,” he says and we both don’t need to, or want go any further into that one. “Or hey maybe your mother,”
“Now you’re just hitting below the belt,” I say with just as much sarcasm as he did with the last prospect. My mother… yeah right!
“But at least you’re getting my drift,” he says and yeah I am. But I still don’t understand something.
“Maybe, but how is this best for both of us?” I ask seriously not getting what he’ll get out of it. “I see what I get out of it… but what do you get out of it?”
“I’m tired of living on my own,” he says with a sigh and I can understand that. “I had thought that Michael and I would gradually make the necessary steps towards living together… but it seems as though that’s not going to happen.” I watch another tear slide down his cheek and it’s my turn to rub his arm. Now I can see where this might be good. To have a support system that you can trust, that you can rely on no matter what.
“Thank you Ben,” I say finally and he looks at me.
“For what?” he asks truly at a lose for what I am thanking him for.
“For offering me a home, and support, and for taking care of me tonight when I know you had to be hurting just as badly.”
“You took care of me as well Justin,” he says with a slight smile which I return. “Let me show you the room.” he says standing up and offering me his hand which I accept and we head off to where I will now be spending my night.
“It’s not much,” he says but it seems just right to me. It’s not as if I need much room. “But you can have free run of the apartment, it’s not like I’m sequestering you here.” and we both smile at each other.
“It’s just right,” I say finally as I plop myself down on the queen sized bed.
“You can even paint it if you’d like,” and my eyes have to show just how nice that would be. I haven’t had anyone tell me I could do as I please to my own space before. Not even when I lived with my mom and dad. She’d always picked the colors and done what she thought was best. “Hell maybe we should think about painting the whole damn apartment,” I know my eyes are just a bit excited now. “Make a fresh start.” and then I feel my stomach sink again. Cause that’s right, that’s why I’m here to make a fresh start… without Brian.
“Sounds good Ben,” I say not letting my disappointment show through, and he smiles at my response and I give what I can in return. Which is probably not all it should be but it’s the best I can do right now.
“If you think you’ll be alright, I think I’m gonna head to my room,” that’s sweet but I could really use the time alone as well, so I nod my head.
“I’ll be fine, try and get some rest,” I say sincerely hoping he can, he looks wiped. I wonder if I look the same.
“You too Justin,” and I nod my head but I severely doubt I’ll be sleeping any time soon, especially with the horror movie that’s been playing in my head for the last few hours. Damn has it been that long. I glance at the clock and notice that it indeed has been almost three hours since my whole world fell apart. “There’s plenty of food in the fridge and the towels and stuff are in the cabinet by the shower,”
“Thank you Ben,”
“Stop thanking me and just promise me you’ll make yourself at home,” he says sincerely and I nod my head.
“Okay I promise.” I say standing up and walking over to him put my arms around his neck once more for a much needed hug, especially if he won’t let me thank him. He returns the hug and when I pull back I give him a tiny smile. “Now go to bed, and get some sleep.” I state emphatically.
“Yes Sir,” he says with a mock salute as he turns in full marching mode and I decide I like that.
“I think you should keep that yes Sir part,” I say with a laugh and all he does is look over his should with a tiny smile and says…
“Yes Sir.” before he enters his room and closes the door behind him. Once his door is closed I let the smile finally slip from my face. I step back closing what is now my door and moving to what is now my empty bed and into it. I look over to the clock and watch as it clicks over to three o’ clock. I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone, switching it off to hold off reality just a bit longer I set it atop the bedside table. Then I look back to the clock and I watch as it turns to three o one, then three o two and as my tears fall I can’t stop myself from wondering if Brian’s at home right now waiting to give me the bad news, or if he just said fuck it and went to Michael’s.
I grab onto the pillow underneath me just a little bit tighter trying to fight off the loneliness. But it’s no use and I watch again as the clock turns over to four o’ clock then five and soon enough six and all the while my thoughts on the scene in the comic book shop and of Brian’s and mine’ past, and wondering how I didn’t see this coming, and feeling exceedingly stupid for not seeing it coming. I watch the clock click over to seven o’ clock and shit, I knew I wouldn’t sleep but this is fucking ridiculous. I decide I need to get out of this bed and I decide that coffee sounds really fucking good right about now. Damn I wonder if he even has coffee. I mean I know what a health food nut he is so I am thinking probably not.
I open up my door and make my way through the apartment. Feeling as if it’s the first time I’m seeing it, and in fact it really is because the only thing that had really registered last night was some sort of couch; which I now see is a tasteful beige couch. It looks quite comfy actually and I look straight across and right away I see my blank spot, and I just automatically know that I’ll be getting to know that spot a lot better. But right now I need coffee so I move on and around a corner to see the kitchen, and Ben already pouring himself a huge cup of coffee.
“Couldn’t sleep either I take it,” I say quietly but he still jumps a bit but as I move to the table he smiles at me slightly and then reaches up for another huge coffee mug.
“I didn’t really think I would,” he says quietly.
“I know me either,” I say cutting him off, because I know exactly why he went to bed even though he knew he wouldn’t sleep. As he hands me my cup of coffee he sits heavily into his chair setting down his mug and rubbing a hand over his face and letting out a long hard breath.
“So do you have a shift today?”
“Oh no, and I won’t be working there ever again,” I say emphatically.
“You’re going to quit?” he asks sounding surprised and I wonder why.
“Do you really think I could keep working there after this?” I ask with a furrowed brow.
“No you’re right, it’s just that…”
“Would you stop cutting yourself short,” I say with a bit of annoyance and I know I should hold my temper, but shit this is getting more than a bit annoying. But I see him smile a bit so I know he’s not taking it meanly.
“It just seems like you’re having to give up your whole life because of this, and it sucks.”
“Yeah well,” I say but find myself being the one to stop in the middle now, because seriously what else is there to do. I couldn’t face them day after day. I think I’ve suffered enough, and now the only way to get on with my life is to leave it all behind. “Such is life.”
We don’t talk for a while after that, him just giving me a nod of understanding and then we sit in a comfortable silence. Both of us thinking about what’s to come next. It’s still so hard to believe that this is happening. I’m just having the hardest time coming to terms with it, because I truly believed that Brian and I were going to make it work some how, some way. But now I have to come to terms with the fact that I should’ve lost this naivety a long time ago, and that if I had this might not be happening. If I had only listened to Brian after that first day and let him go, then I wouldn’t be in this kind of pain. Now though I think understand why Brian doesn’t believe in love, doesn’t want anything to do with it… this shit is just way to fucking painful. I take a deep breath and release it.
“I know you probably don’t want to think about this right now but, do you know when you want to go get your things?” I feel the grimace over take me before I can stop it and to tell you the truth I don’t think it matters in Ben‘s company. I think he completely understands.
“Unfortunately the sooner the better,” I just don’t want to have to face Brian and hear that he doesn’t want anything else to do with me. I just don’t want to do it. “Today would probably be the best since he’s at work.”
“Alright then we can rent a truck and,” I feel the laughter leave me before I can stop it and I watch Ben’s brow furrow.
“Everything I own can fit into just a couple of bags.” I dead pan.
“But how could you live like that?”
“I guess it was just easier to have as little as possible because of the constant back and forth,” I say simply but feeling that same gnawing pain in my gut.
“Alright then, it’ll just be me and you,” he says with a smile that I am sure is to be reassuring. But to tell you the truth I don’t think life is going to be any kind of friend of mine any time soon. But I put on a soft smile anyways and we start to get ready to face the inevitable. It doesn’t take us long to get ready, seemingly working around each other with quite a bit of ease right away. Then we set off for the loft. It’s already past nine so I know Brian will be at the office, and I am thankful for that. I’ll just leave a note letting him know that I understand and no hard feelings, or some shit like that.
When we get to the loft I shakily get my keys out and open the outer door, then feeling like a dead man walking we make our way upstairs. However as I stand at the huge metal door I find myself not being able to make that last leap. I feel Ben put his hand on my shoulder and reach around to take the keys from me, which I more than readily give to him and he proceeds to open the door. Hearing it slide open against those rattled tracks I have to close my eyes against the memories that it throws my way. I slowing make my way in just staring at the floor…
“Where the fuck have you been?!” I hear Brian’s voice ring angrily out through the loft and my head whips up and I stare at him with wide, scared eyes as I watch him make his way to me.
“You’re not supposed to be here,” I say in complete confusion and stumbling backwards just a bit only to be caught by the shoulders by Ben.
“This my fucking loft! Where the fuck else would I be?” he asks angrily. “But the real question here is where were you?”
“I don’t believe you get to ask the questions anymore,” I say finding some strength that is more than a little bit fueled by my anger.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he looks confused and I see him look to my shoulders where Ben’s hands are at and then he looks back into my face. “Where were you?” he asks quieter and I can see the wheels turning in his head. I can see that he thinks Ben and I slept together and I can even see the anger flaring back up. Which just pisses me off even more and I have half a mind to let him think that’s exactly what happened, but I won’t let him off the hook that easily.
“Don’t you dare fucking look at me like that,” I seethe through clenched teeth and I watch as the surprise of just how angry I am hits him. But I can’t do this right now so I quickly move off to the bedroom.
“We just came to get Justin’s things,” I can hear Ben filling in the blanks.
“What?” I hear Brian voice searching for answers. Which if I were him would already know the answers to.
“He’ll be moving in with me…”
“Like fuck he will,” I hear Brian roar in response and it actually surprises me. I mean what the fuck does he care? He’s got Michael now. “This is his fucking home!” what? I can feel a headache coming on hard and fast and I’m more than a little surprised it hasn’t come along sooner. I sit down on the bed and try to rub some of the tension out but it seems there is going to be no relief. Ah fuck!
“We already discussed it and…” comes Ben’s still calm response.
“Fuck you!” Brian yells again and I wince at the pain it causes my head. “You don’t get to decide shit where Justin is concerned! Do you understand me?”
“Brian,” I can hear Ben losing his patience.
“No,” I hear Brian say cutting Ben off once again. “Justin!” Brian yells for me but I don’t get up to respond I just need a minute. “Justin!” he yells once more and again I wince.
“Shut the fuck up,” I say as loud as I possibly can without my head exploding and yet when I’m done I can still fell the sound reverberating through my skull.
“You stay the fuck there,” I hear Brian order Ben and then I hear his footsteps making their way up to me. “Justin?” he says but this time much quieter. I hear a few more footsteps and then I feel his hand against the side of my face and I can’t help but shrink away from him at the instant reminder it brings of him and Michael together. “Justin?” he asks surprised and I can even hear what I think is pain in his undertone.
“Don’t,” I say gently because I can’t deal with his hurt feelings. Not after what he did to me.
“Fine, then explain to me what the fuck is going on?” he says trying not to raise his voice, because he knows just how much pain my headaches cause me and this one is promising to be a whopper. “Are you fucking Ben? Are you leaving to be with him?” Now this time for sure I know I didn’t just hear anger in his tone but there was definitely pain in there to. Well good. He fucking deserves it!
“I do believe that if you think back to last nights events you’ll find the reason for my leaving,” I say quietly but with force for which I am very proud of myself. “And no I am not fucking Ben. He’s just offered me a place to stay…” I trail off because I just got a white poker stuck in my eye, or at least it felt as such. I instantly push my hands against my eyes trying to pressure the pain away, and it helps somewhat.
“Jus,” I hear Brian say and blearily I open my eyes to see him on his knees in front of me with a glass of water and my pills. I take them without looking into his eyes, ‘cause I can’t stand to see what’s going on in there. “Come on,” he says putting his hand on my side but I shy away from him again. “I’m just trying to help you lye down.”
“I’m not staying here,” I say finally looking to him and I watch him close his eyes and then look to the floor. Then before I can stop myself the question leaves me. “How could you?” and I can feel the burning in the back of my eyes, but I’m trying to hold the tears back and then I think about the many answers that fly through my head to that very small question and just how much I don’t want to hear them… “Never mind I don’t want to know.”
“It was nothing Justin,” he says quietly but I know better. “It was just sex…” ooh fucker. “It meant nothing.”
“Fuck you,” I say trying to stand up and he puts his arms around me when I have trouble and when I’m standing with his arms still around me I look to him, but he’s got his mask tightly in place.
“It was nothing,” he says seriously, But I’m wondering who he’s trying to convince; me or him.
“It wasn’t nothing, it was Michael,” I say and he looks away from me. “I had to watch you kiss him…”
“I always kiss Michael…” he says defensively cutting me off as he looks back to me.
“While you fuck him?” I question angrily and he just stares at me. “Yeah you know there’s a difference don’t you?” I tell him as I watch his eyes change over to resignation.
“I was just giving him what he wanted.” he says quietly, and again that laugh of disbelief comes out. “I was just trying to fix…”
“Fuck fixing it!” I say angrily because this is ridiculous. “It wasn’t your place to fuck it away!” I yank myself away from him because I just can’t stand here and look at him right now, but he grabs me around the waist stopping me and bringing my back against his chest and wrapping my arms around my chest along with his around mine.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” he says quietly into my ear and to tell you the truth I believe him because I knew a long time ago that his answer to almost everything was a quick fuck. But this isn’t the same, and it doesn’t make it all better and it’s still to much. “It’ll never happen again.”
“Isn’t that nice,” I say quietly. “But I don’t know what it is you want from me?”
“I wanna come home to you,” he whispers into my ear holding onto me just a bit tighter then rubbing his forehead against my hair.
“You think it’s that easy Brian?” I say and I can feel him stiffen.
“If you want it to be.”
“That’s not fair,” I say seriously not believing he doesn’t get it. “I’ve given up so much to be with you,” I say feeling a tear slide down my cheek but with his arms holding mine in place I can’t wipe them away. “I have given you everything I could, and even still nothing I want seems to matter.”
“That’s not true..”
“Oh yes it is,” how could he say it’s not. “Yes, you give me everything, and anything money could buy. But I could care less about that,” I feel him take a deep breath and let it slowly. “You could have nothing to your name and I’d still love you.” I lean my head back into him a bit to let him know it’s true. “But what I wanted is your love and your respect, but that’s just not something your willing to give me,” I say feeling my resignation kick in after a minute when he doesn’t say anything. “And now there’s this… and I just don’t think I have anything left to give you.”
“Alright, if this is what you want…” he says letting me go after a few seconds, and I slowly turn towards him.
“It’s not what I wanted,” I say slowly so that he’ll know this is never what I wanted. “What did you really think was going to happen?” he just shakes his head. “Did you think I was just going to say ‘Oh, okay whatever?’”
“I thought you’d understand…” he says as if it was the only logical answer.
“I think I’ve done enough understand,” I shake my head at him. “You should’ve understood me when it came to this. But again, I didn’t even factor in on your decisions,” I can feel the words reverberating through my skull and I grab my head again. “And if you think that, that’s the end of you and Michael you’re absolutely delusional.” I look to him and I can see his eyes flicker, but with everything he’s said I’m not sure what he’s thinking.
“Justin,” I hear Ben say and I look over to see him standing at the bottom of the stairs with concern in his eyes.
“I thought I told you to stay,” Brian says through clenched teeth. “This has nothing to do with you.”
“You fuck my boyfriend and it has nothing to do with me?” he questions with furrowed brows.
“Just… could you give us another minute?” I ask Ben and he turns to give me a slight nod before walking away again. Not that it really matters he can probably hear everything that’s being said thanks to the open floor plan. I look to the floor not wanting to do this anymore but still wanting him to understand why I am.
“I’m obviously not the one for you Brian,” I sadly start again, because this is the part that hurts the most. “Otherwise you wouldn’t do these things knowing just how it hurts me.” having said my piece I turn away from him and towards my drawers.
“We’re not lesbians Justin…” he says and I turn around once more cutting off the speech that I’ve already heard a million and three times.
“No, we most definitely are not,” I say tilting my head. “At least they have enough respect for themselves and the people they’re with not to hurt them every chance they get.” then without waiting anymore I turn back to what I am doing, trying my best to ignore what he’s doing but I’ve never been good at that and I hear his footsteps moving away from me and down the stairs into the living room and I let out a tiny shaky breath.
Brian’s POV:
I can’t believe this is happening. He was never supposed to find out, and I don’t even know what he was doing at the comic shop anyways. Not to mention how Ben fits into all this? What the fuck is he doing here? Did Justin go run to tell Ben first off? Not that I could blame him. I start to pour myself a hefty glass of Beam to help me through this, and as I am I can feel Ben’s eyes on me. So as I take the first gulp I look over to him with raised brows trying to act as if I don’t care.
“So did you make Michael feel all better?” he sarcastically asks and I roll my lips into my mouth. But instead of answering his question I ask my own.
“What are you doing with Justin?” I take another pull of my drink to help dull some of this ache although it doesn‘t seem to be helping.
“Well we ran into each other last night, and since we were both heading to the comic shop,” he says simply and evenly. “Him to apologize for letting it slip that you and I slept together,” he says with a raise of his eyebrows and I can feel myself inwardly wince. “Me because I just needed to make sure he was okay…but I could see that he was just fine,” I take the last pull from my drink and turn away again refilling my glass. “Then after Justin was done throwing up,” Shit! He must be torn apart. “And fighting against me because I wouldn’t let him look into the window again ‘cause he thought he had to of been wrong,” he says with a humorless snicker and I turn to him with a glare. “I took him back to my place,” and now my glare intensifies. “I let him cry on my shoulder. Told him how sorry I was and then put him to bed, alone,” he says with a bit of force.
“Why are you letting him stay with you?” I ask without being able to show my accusations.
“Because he’s a good kid,” he says stepping a bit closer to me so that he can be heard as he’s lowered his voice. “And to make sure that you, can never hurt him again.” then he abruptly turns from me and into the bedroom. Shit! I turn away again not being able to watch them move Justin away from me, and not being able to see the disappointment, and hurt, and anger in his eyes again. I know I did this. There’s no question. I drink the rest of what’s in my glass and then slam it down on the glass of the bar noticing how it cracks underneath, and then I just grab the almost full bottle of Beam and make way to the windows. Looking out I try to ignore the sounds of them moving around in the bedroom but it’s impossible, and as I hear them coming down the stairs I squeeze my eyes shut.
“Is that everything?” I hear Ben ask quietly and I shake my head a little bit to keep myself in check as I reopen my eyes and try to focus on the sky line.
“Almost,” he says just as quietly and I hear him rummaging through the CD’s. Then I remember…
“Don’t forget your computer,” I say without turning around.
“I don’t want it,” he says strongly.
“And what the fuck am I going to do with it?” I question still not being able to turn around but hoping he’ll just give in and take it because I know he needs it.
“Take a fucking bat to it,” he says and I wince with the memories that brings, and at the fact that he termed it that way shows just how much I hurt him.
Then I hear what I dreaded the most, the loft door sliding open. I hear them shuffle out but nothing more is said as I hear the loft door bang closed. I grip the bottle trying to control my temper but it’s not helping and I bring the bottle up guzzling from it before with out thinking twice turning and throwing it across the loft and hearing it shatter somewhere behind the couch but I could really care less. Shit it didn’t even make me feel any better, not that I really thought it would. I bang my head against the window then I go and grab another bottle of Beam from the bottom shelf of the wet bar. I fucking can’t believe this shit is happening. I am such a completely fucked up son of a bitch.