Brian's POV: So tonight is Justin's first show. He's got his very own show. I'm so incredibly proud of him and I wanted to be there with him for this but I decided to give him his space a month ago and I will stand by that. Plus I gave up those rights when I pushed him away, so I will just have to wait. I didn't tell anyone else about his show either; I mean if Justin wanted any of us there he would have invited us right? I don't know, I’m just kinda playing all this out by ear. But it's so hard; I am not a patient person by any means. So waiting for him to come back, waiting for him to be ready is just killing. Especially since I know where he is. I have gotten into my jeep hundreds of times it seems, ready to go to him. But I've managed to stop myself every time. Jennifer has been really great throughout all this though. She has called me after every call from Justin and has told me how he is doing and what he's up to, as well as what they talked about. I don't know if I can thank her enough for doing that for me. It's helped me so much in being able to hold off on going out there, throwing him over my shoulder and bringing him home. It's hard to think of anything else. It's what I dream about. The family. Well everyone has settled down a little bit from when we thought we were bringing him home and didn't. Debbie was heartbroken along with everyone else. Only there was one problem, Mikey. I am starting to have second thoughts about him turning over a new leaf. I really believed he was making changes and that he was getting his life together and that he had stopped with his hatred against Justin but now I just don't know. Ever since the day we got back from Chicago he has been really clingy again and he just seems a little off. I just see him starting to go back to the way he used to be and it worries me. I don't want him to screw up anything if......no when Justin comes home. I swear to god if he tries anything I will kill him. I will not let him fuck this up for me and I won’t allow him to put Justin down or make him feel badly. It just won’t fucking happen again! So I'm just a little nervous about that but I have been trying to distance myself from Mikey. I can't say that I feel bad about it or that I have been really missing him all that much, it has actually been a relief not to have to deal with him. The only thing that I wish is that I could get him to stop with the constant phone calls. I mean we are talking about 10 to 20 calls a day now. I stopped answering them a week ago. I just couldn't deal with them or him anymore. So this has been my life for the last month. Just trying to make sure that everything will be okay for when I get my baby back with me. ****************************************************************************** Justin's POV: "So are you ready?" I turn around to see Lynn. "Ready as I'll ever be." I say with a nervous smile. "Good because they are opening up the doors right now.” She walks up to me and gives me a big hug, whispering in my ear...."Don't be nervous, everyone is going to love your art and especially you." "Boy you love to boost my ego don't you?" I say with a laugh. She pulls away with a smile and goes to my side putting her arm through mine, leading me to the door. "I'm only telling you the truth Jus, you just never believe me." We get to the door and the security guard begins to open it. As we step inside Lynn leans towards my ear, "Now just smile pretty and mingle and above all have some fun. This is your first show, you want to remember it as being fun." she says as the people start filing in. Woo here we go................. ````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` A couple of hours later…. God I can't believe how this night has turned out. It has surpassed my wildest dreams. I have sold 60% of my paintings already and everyone seems to really like my stuff. I am just floored by everyone’s reactions. Some only see what they want to see which is fine cause I figure that's what some people need to do, but others can see what I was going through. They see all the pain and angst in each of my paintings. It's just amazing. My head is going like a million miles a minute. Danny has been here since the doors opened and has been close by the whole night. I think he just wants to make sure I'm okay. He knows how nervous I've been about tonight. Frank showed up about an hour ago, he had an emergency at the hospital. He's been looking through the paintings ever since. I'm kinda nervous about his reaction, he's never seen any of my work before and he seems to be spending a lot of time with many of my pieces. It's starting to slow down now though which I am actually thankful for. It's been a total whirlwind since the doors opened and I’m extremely tired. Plus I have been doing too much thinking. I miss everyone. I mean I know that I can't have them in my life anymore but it would've been nice to have them here with me. Especially Brian. God how I wish he were here. I always thought that he would be beside me for my first exhibit. So it's just a little disappointing.........ok so it's extremely disappointing. I'm also wishing that I had invited my mom. She would've loved to be here for me. I shouldn't have taken that away from her. But it's a little late for that now. "Justin I must say your work is absolutely amazing." Frank says. I give him a hug....... "Thank you Frank. I'm so glad you came. It means a lot." I tell him as I pull back. "I told you I couldn't wait to see your stuff. It's quite the turnout for an artist’s first show." "Yeah I know, I have no idea how in the world Lynn got everyone here." "She is pretty amazing." Danny says coming up behind me. "Yeah she really is." I say. She is over with a group of people talking about one of my paintings. It's a little too strange for me to watch as people talk over my stuff though, so Danny, Frank and I just chit chat a little as the people go around. After a while Lynn comes and drags me off to meet and greet some of the more higher end clientele, which was just fine with me. I got a lot of contacts and some offers to do shows in both L.A. and N.Y. I even got a couple of numbers from people who are willing to represent me. It's been an amazing night. When we finally got home I headed straight for bed. As I sat there on my bed I went through the pictures but only for a minute before I stopped on Brian's. I must have rattled on for an hour about how everything went tonight; it felt right to share it with him. After I was done I fell asleep with him on my chest.......... ````````````````````````````````` The next couple of days were pretty much a blur. I mean I really had no idea how much went into an art show. So many people, so many hours of talking. Wow it's a lot. The next day the reviews came out saying that there was a new artist in town that was brilliant.....can you believe that? Well anyway after that and all the other rave reviews; the gallery was jam- packed every day. There seemed to be more people each night than the night before that. I got a couple more offers from different galleries and sold every single piece in the show over the next week. It feels really good to have people like my stuff. Plus Lynn didn't put any rinky dink prices on them, they were all highly marked if I do say so myself and yet they still sold. Amazing. I won’t have to worry about money for quite a while and I can even pay back Tony all the money he gave me. That feels even better. I had my session with Frank yesterday and we talked about me going home for the weekend. He thought it was the best thing I could do for myself right now. He said that I deserved to see my family. So that's why I'm here standing in front of my mom's townhouse waiting for someone to open the door..... "JUSTER!!!!!!" Molly screamed as she launched herself into my arms. "Oomph god Mollosk." jesus she almost knocked me down. "MOM!!!!" she screams into my ear. "Molly please you’re going to burst my eardrums." I tell her. She pulls back.... "Oh I'm sorry it's just that well, we have been waiting for you to come home for forever and now you're here!" She says with a sunshine smile. She got that from me by the way. "Justin." my mom says as she comes down the stairs with open arms. I go to her and let her wrap her arms around me, taking everything she's got to give me. I missed this. No matter how old you get I swear being in your mother arms is still one of the safest places in the world. "I've missed you so much." She whispers into my ear. "I missed you too Mom." I tell her pulling away to look over at Molly. “You too Mol." She smiles and I grab my bag as we go into the house........... ****************************************************************************** Brian's POV: So this past week has been pretty quiet actually. Surprisingly, Mikey has just about stopped calling altogether. I guess he got the message....or at least I hope he did. But let’s move onto more important things..... like Justin. His show was a huge hit. I made up a little scrapbook with all his reviews and a couple of photo's that I got of the paintings in the show. They are amazing but they are filled with so much pain and loneliness it's heartbreaking. So that's why I have finally decided to go out there and see him. There is just no reason why he or I should be suffering anymore. I mean it's not just because I want to see him, it's also because I want him to know the truth and hopefully that will erase the pain and loneliness in his paintings. I'm just about to the airport when my phone rings. I almost don't pick it up but I can never resist so I pull it out and see that it's Jennifer. So of course I answer...... "Hey Jennifer. How are you?" "Brian he's here!" she says excitedly. Oh my god she means... "He who? He Justin?" "Yes,...yes ‘he Justin’, he's in my living room." "Oh my god." "Brian get your ass over here NOW!" she tells me. "I'm on my way. I'll be there in 20 minutes. Don't let him go anywhere. Just keep him there." I tell her, I'm scared he'll disappear on me again. "Oh don't worry about that I don't plan on letting him out of my site.....well at least until you take him home." She has been so great through all this and we have become a lot closer which I'm sure Justin will like. She has accepted me and now we just seem to get along really well. She's very intelligent and extremely nice. Always trying to do right by her children even if she doesn't always get it right....she is trying and that's the most important part. "Okay Jen. Thanks for calling me. I'll be right there." "Okay....... Just hurry up." then she disconnects. He's home! I was just about to go get him and now he's here.....if she would've called just a half an hour later I might not have gotten the call. Thank god I got it. I swing a U’y at the next light and head straight to Jen's house......I managed to get there in 15 minutes not 20. What can I say, I had the best motivation a man can have.....the man I love is waiting for me there. As I get out of the Jeep and start to walk to the door, I get the worst case of butterflies anyone has ever known. I am so nervous to see him....oh I want to see him more than anything in this world but what if he doesn't want me anymore......what if he hates me for doing what I did. For pushing him away. I just don't know what I'll do if that's the case. I just can't live my life without him. I don't want to. I'm at the door and I have my finger at the bell but I'm hesitating.......I'm scared. ****************************************************************************** Justin's POV: God I am so happy I came to see my family. Frank was right; this is the best thing I could've done for myself. I really needed this. My mom has been all over me since I walked in the door and Molly has been telling me about everything at school and all the boys and all her friends and amazingly enough I don't really mind. I have missed them so much it really wouldn't matter what we talked about at this point. "Why don't we move this to the kitchen so I can start dinner?" my mom suggests. "Sure thing." I say and we all get up to go to the kitchen when the doorbell rings...... "Why don't you two go on up I'll get the door." my mom says. So Molly and I head upstairs. But right before we get to the kitchen I hear the voice that I didn't think I would ever hear again. Oh my god… they didn't......they got Brian involved again. I told her not to.....jesus! "Mollosk go ahead and I'll be in there in just a minute." I have to go fix this. "Alright ......but hurry up already, I'm hungry." she says and heads off. I head down the stairs and there he is.....god he is so beautiful, why did they have to bring him here. Seeing him makes my heart want to break again, I just want to cry. I hate that I can't be with him. Having him right here and not be able to have him in my arms......it just hurts so much. This was a bad idea after all, I should've never came home. I check myself really quickly putting every effort into making myself look strong and in control...... please just let me get through this and then I will leave this city and never come back. There is no way I can go through this again.....and there is no way I can let my mother keep pulling Brian into things. I'll have to have a talk with her later about that but for now....... "Mom." I say and they both look up to me. I try not to look at Brian I feel so bad that he has been brought into this again. I didn't mean for this to happen. "May I speak with you for a moment?" I see her look to Brian "Sure honey...."I walk back up the stairs and she follows. In a hushed tone I say... "I thought I told you to leave him alone, to leave him out of this?" "But honey he....." "No it's fine I'll deal with this.....just go, but I think we really need to talk about this before I leave." I tell her as I turn and head back down the stairs to hopefully make this all right again. Shit I have put him through so much and now even as I try to let him live his own life he is still getting pulled in.....Damn It! When I get down there I stand in front of him but I can't bring myself to look him in the eye. "Hey listen I'm sorry for my mom I told her not to bug you.....but you know how mothers are they never listen but I will make sure that she leaves you alone and this will never happen again. I'm going to leave town tonight and I won’t be back.....so there is no need to worry. You won’t have to see me again." I ramble out......god he smells so good. I need to get him out of here, before I lose it. ****************************************************************************** Brian's POV: God he looks so good he smells so good he's rambling and I am only understanding about a quarter of what he's saying. He won’t look at me though..... hey where's he going? I snap out of my thoughts and he is moving towards the door. "I know I have broken promises before but I have been trying and I will do everything I can to make sure this doesn't happen again." he says as he opens the door. Why is my fucking voice not working he's standing right in front of me "Fuck." ah there it is. "I know I'm sorry but I didn't have any idea she was going to do this. If I would've known I wouldn't of come back." he says. Oh god....... I move over to him and put my fingers under his chin and bring his face up so I can see those beautiful blue eyes that I have missed so much. They’re even more beautiful than I remembered. I can see it there, he still loves me.....I feel myself smile.... "You still love me!" I say and I let go of his chin grab him and lift him up to me and just hold on with everything I've got. "You still love me." I whisper in his ear..... he still loves me. I feel his arms around me and it's the best feeling in the world. I set him down and swoop in for a kiss. Oh god his lips are so soft. He seems to just melt into me. I play my tongue against his lips and he opens to me and I just want to taste him and feel him. All the sudden he pulls away and out of my arms, what happened? He turns and puts his head against the door. "Baby....." "No please, there is no need to do this, I told you I would leave you alone that I would let you have your life back I never said anything about not loving you.......that could never happen. Whatever my mom told you don't worry about it, it's not your responsibility..." ah damn it.... I grab him and turn him to face me and I see so much pain and love and tears...... "Baby....oh god I am so sorry, this is all my fault...." "No it's not......" "Stop it,...... it is my fault. I love you so much baby......" his eyes get huge. Then he shakes his head. "Please don't do that, you don't have....." "Your right I don't have to....I want to. I love you more than anything else in this world, have from the moment I saw you." He opens his mouth..."No just listen to me. It's time I told you everything that I have been holding back from you." He nods his head. "When I told you I wanted my old life back it was a lie....everything I said that night was a lie. I was so scared and I thought that you would be better off without me. Living your own life....you were so unhappy and I didn't think that I could give you what you wanted, so I made you leave, the only way I knew how.....I used your love for me against you." god I feel like such a shit....I am a shit. He looks so torn on what to believe right now. "I was ......it ripped my heart out to let you leave, to push you away.....I was so stupid. All you ever wanted was for me to love you and I didn't realize it until Mikey....." "Oh Mikey, he told me what was real....." "No, no he lied. Nobody in the family ever thought of you like that, they have always loved you and wanted the best for you just like me......he just saw his opportunity and took it. He should have never said those things to you. None of it and I mean none of it was true. I will never let him do anything like that ever again. He came over that night after the family dinner and he started going off about you and then he said what he told you and I lost it.........but that's not important, what is important is that when he said you weren't ever coming back.... it hit me all the sudden that I would do anything to make you happy, whatever it took and that I never wanted you to be out of my life. I always want you by my side. Nothing else matters, just us.....I even stopped tricking. I haven't done anything since the Rage party and I'm fine with that. See I was just scared that I wouldn't be the big bad Brian Kinney anymore. It was so stupid to let that get in the way of what you and even I wanted. Cause I never wanted to hurt you that way and you were always more than enough for me.....It was just my stupid ego getting in the way. But not anymore. I won’t let anyone or anything get in our way ever again I swear to you. From now on it's just you and me, good times bad times, through thick and thin. Everything and anything." He's got big eyes and he's not saying anything....."that is if you still want me." I say and look away. I can't stand to look at him if he doesn't want me back..... oh god. He grabs my face. He's smiling. That's a good sign right? "Really........ everything you said....really?" he's not making much sense but I get it. "Yes baby everything. I meant every word. Please let’s just start over ......from the beginning." I tell him. "No.." I feel my heart sink “...no I don't want to start from the beginning. We have gone through way too much to go back there. We have learned too much to pretend that our past isn’t part of us. We just need to go from here.......here is perfect." "I could go from here..... I love you Justin." "I love you too." I lean down and put my lips to his, a second later he parts his lips and I slowly trace every line and curve of his mouth, taking my time to taste him and feel him. I pull him against me as tightly as I can....I am never letting this man go ever again. He's stuck with me now. "Hhhhhmmmm." we hear and I pull away from him and look to see Molly standing at the middle of the stairs, hand on hip...."are you two coming? Or do I have to get the hose first?" "Yes Molly we're coming......" Justin says as she turns and heads back to the kitchen. "Mom's making dinner." "Ah." He wraps himself around me putting his head on my chest and under my chin. I kiss the top of his head and say..." Let’s go eat so I can take you home." He looks up and smiles a sunshine smile. I brush a strand of hair from his forehead and lean down to kiss him. "I'd love that." he says against my lips. Then we are back to making up for all the lost kisses. "Mmoooommmm. We’re going to have to hose them dowwwnnn." I pull back and we both chuckle. "Molly dear, would you please leave them alone already?" Jennifer says. "Oh fine." "I guess we better get up there." he says, going to my side. We have our arms around each other as we walk up the stairs and into the kitchen. We spent the next couple of hours staying as close to each other as possible constantly touching each other. Until finally Jennifer told us to go home already and just call her tomorrow. We ran out of there before she was even finished with her sentence yelling that we would call her and of course Justin saying he loved her. We jumped in the Jeep and headed home. The whole ride there he kept his head against my shoulder and his hand under mine, our fingers intertwined on the stick shift. We would kiss when the lights were red and get honked at for missing the fact that the light had turned green again. When we pulled up in front of the loft and got out we met on the sidewalk, my arm going around his waist his around mine. I kissed the top of his head and we headed inside the building. We took the elevator up and I leaned against the wall and pulled him against me, wrapping both my arms around him tightly, kissing him softly until we made it to our floor. We got out and I unlocked the door and shoved it open. I swept him off his feet and into my arms with him giggling and leaning over to kiss me. Once inside he slides the door shut and locks it. When he's done he moves to kiss me again. We kiss as I walk us to the bedroom. I have my eyes open looking from his face to the floor to the stairs to our bed.....finally. It's made perfectly, just waiting for him to come home. I lay him down in the middle of the bed laying on top of him I just stare at him, having the feeling of absolute relief come over me that he is finally home back in my arms. Everything is going to be okay now and I feel the tears start to run down my cheeks. "Bri...what's wrong?" he asks, thumbing away my tears. I just run my hands along his face and through his hair. "Just....I missed you so much and I wasn't sure if you were ever going to come home and just having you here knowing that we are going to be okay, knowing you still love me.....it's just.....they’re happy tears." I see a couple of tears slip past his eyelids and I thumb them away. "I never stopped loving you Brian, never. That could never happen. You do know though that we have to work hard to make sure that we are okay.....right?" he asks. "Yeah I know and I am more than willing to work as hard as I have to, to make sure that we are more than okay. That we stay that way and together. Whatever it takes Sunshine, I am willing to give." I say staring into his eyes so he knows that I am telling the truth...... "god I love you." ****************************************************************************** Justin's POV: "That's all I ever wanted Bri, was for you to love me......for you to let me love you. I'm sorry for all my mistakes and I am really trying to make things better...." "Baby ......we are going to fix things together this time. This time it's you and me doing this. Sure we’re going to make mistakes but that's okay cause we can work through them together." He says while running his hands through my hair. "I can't believe this is happening. I never thought I would get to be here again. In your bed......" "No this is our bed......I couldn't even sleep in it since the night you left. It just wasn't right sleeping in our bed without you here. I just couldn't do it...." he says in a small voice. God, he couldn't sleep in our bed? I always considered it our bed but I never thought he did. "Where did you sleep.....for 3 months?" "I slept on the couch when I could manage to get any sleep at all." I look over to the couch and sure enough there is a pillow and duvet folded nicely on the cushions. I look back into his eyes and I see all the love he has for me.....it's unmistakable now. He's letting me see everything. "Make love to me, Brian." I tell him. He starts to undress me slowly taking everything off both of us. When he finishes he lays back down on me, I start running my hand down his cheek. He turns into my touch letting his eyes close. I bring my hand to the back of his neck lightly massaging it and moving his lips down to mine, "I have waited so long for this......" he says before his lips touch mine and we become lost in each other. I love the way he tastes, the way he feels on top of me....everything about him. I love him and now I know he loves me too. I can never question it again; never want to question it again. He has his hands in my hair lightly running his fingers through the strands as we kiss; it's a perfect kiss so slow and so tender. I rub my hands up and down his back feeling every muscle in his lean body. So good.....he pulls away and starts to lick and place open mouth kisses along my jaw. I can feel his warm breath against my ear and it sends a shiver through me. He licks around my ear bringing my ear lobe into his mouth between his teeth licking both sides slightly nibbling, I start rocking my hips against him feeling our cocks move against each other. He opens his mouth and I feel him gasp and shutter at the sensation. "Mmmm." I moan it feels so good..... he buries his face into my neck. Slowly licking circles against my skin, he knows that this is my favorite spot. That this is what gets me so hot I can't see straight. He places open mouth kisses all over my neck and when he gets to my collarbone I can feel him start to nibble and suck "huuuuu." I breath out. "I know every spot that you love to have licked and kissed and nibbled." he whispers into my ear. "This is my favorite spot......" "I know." he breaths as he continues to suck on my neck, I'm sure that I will have marks all around my neck, this will be the first time he has ever marked me in a place everyone could see. ****************************************************************************** Brian's POV: I take my time kissing every part I know he loves, every part I have missed. Smelling him, tasting him. I want to have his cock in my mouth so I start to work my way down not skipping any part as I lick and kiss every inch along the way. Slowly licking and sucking and nibbling on his nipples making sure they are hard and taut, licking circles around his belly button before I dip my tongue in and out nibbling along the edges. I bring my hands down his sides dragging my fingernails and stopping to grip his hips, holding him still. I bury my face in his soft hairs, rubbing my cheek against his cock. He tries to buck his hips but I have a tight hold on him. I want to enjoy this. I bring my face down rubbing my nose into his balls, breathing in his sweet scent. "Mmmm." so good. I start to lick them and when they are completely covered in my saliva I go to the bottom of his balls and move my tongue up over the middle and onto his cock all the way to the tip. His feet are searching for footing but keep on slipping so I move my arms and he brings up his knees as I replace my hands on his hips. I swirl my tongue around the tip bringing in all his pre cum dripping from the tip. He thrusts his hand into my hair tangling his fingers and gripping at it. I swirl my tongue one more time enjoying the taste of him on my tongue before I open up and take him all the way in. He practically sits straight up and gasps for air. I move up and down swirling and sucking at the tip before I make my way back down. All too soon I start to feel him shake and then I feel him grip my shoulders and yank me up....has he gotten stronger? Ummmm I love it. I look into his eyes and see that they are a deep sparkling blue, "I don't want to cum until you're inside of me.....please. It's been too long." I know what he means, I haven't been with any one else in a little over three months so all I want to do is sink myself into his nice tight hole. It's what I have been waiting for, dreaming of. I have wanted no one else, just him. So I pull myself all the way up and grab for the condom and lube on the dresser. He grabs the supplies from me and flips open the top to the lube and squeezes a nice amount onto my fingers. I rub it around and warm it up for him and when I get to his hole I make some lazy circles before I start to push the first finger in into his warm oh so tight hole. "Hhhmmm. Yes." I slowly open him up with one then two then three fingers till he's practically writhing off the bed. "Now Bri....." "Ok baby." I say as I put the condom on and pull my fingers out, sliding myself onto him and putting the tip of my dick to his hole. He wraps his legs around my waist as I start to slowly push past the first ring of muscle. "God baby too tight." I won’t last long; it feels like the first time all over again. I look into his face, so gorgeous....his mouth is slightly open, lust glazed eyes as I move past the first ring I see him wince and I stop...... "No please more...." he says and I continue just as slowly until I am all the way inside of him,.....I feel myself shaking trying to hold off my orgasm. Being inside of him again, so tight and warm, when I feel him relax into me and I feel myself calm down I lean down and kiss him. He opens his mouth and our tongues start to move together as our bodies do the same. We move into our own sensual rhythm that we have perfected over three years together and I just couldn't imagine it being any better with any other person ever. Justin is who I am meant to be with for the rest of my life, this is where I belong no one could ever fill this space in my heart or make me feel complete the way he does. I feel him grip the back of my neck and it brings me out of my thoughts. The look in his eyes brings me to the brink again so I put my hand underneath his head, I pull away from our kiss and swivel my hips and thrust, deep and hard right against his prostate.... "Brian!" he gasps out as his eyes go wide before rolling back into his head. "Cum with me baby........are you ready?" I hit his sweet spot two more times. "Ah yes!" he cries out as I feel his hole spasm around me sending me spiraling over the edge. I keep thrusting into him through my orgasm feeling his nails drag across my back as he twists and turns under me. "Hmmm, baby." I almost want to cry at the feelings pulsing through me. When both our orgasms finish rolling through us I let myself fall on top of him. He unwraps his legs but his arms are still tightly around my neck, with my head on his shoulder. He turns his face looking into my eyes, I run my hand across his cheek and he leans in and he kisses me. He slightly pulls away from me just a breath away from my lips and whispers.... "I love you." "I love you too baby." I whisper back leaning in that tiny bit to place another soft kiss on his lips and when I pull back he looks closely and deeply into my eyes,....all I can do is open myself up completely to him and show him everything in my soul and hope he sees it..... "I know." is all he says before snuggling into me, pulling me closer as I bury my face into his neck, kissing him there softly before I let myself drift off into the best sleep I have ever had in my life. ****************************************************************************** Justin's POV: When I wake up the next morning I am wrapped up in Brian's arms. My hands are pulled up to my chest and my head is resting on his chest. I open my eyes and the first things I see are......the leather bands around my wrists. Fuck what am I gonna do about these? What am I going to tell him? How do I explain? My heart starts to beat a thousand miles a minute and I feel a panic attack coming on. No, no, no, not now...... I slowly get myself untangled from Brian and slide from the bed. I automatically open up my dresser drawers and see that they are empty....but of course they are. I grab up the sheet that has been thrown onto the floor during the night and throw it hap hazardly around me. I move quickly down the stairs grabbing the phone and running back up the stairs and into the bathroom. I close the door and lock it behind me before I sink into a corner that I feel safe in and dial the number that I have memorized. "Dr. Hammond." my mouth is so dry and I can barely breath,my body is shaking, and my heart is pounding so hard that it almost hurts, I can barely think......I hate this. "Hello? Can you tell me your name?" "Frank...." I barely get out. "Justin....what's wrong?......" "Pa...nic...." "Ok Justin just breath. Slowly in and out. Just concentrate on breathing and nothing else. Close your eyes and just relax. Your okay...nothing is going to hurt you, just keep breathing." He continues to mutter non-sense in a nice calming voice. When I finally calm down and I feel myself returning to normal, he stops and asks.." Justin, are you feeling better now?" "Yeah....I just lost it....and it just hit me....and I couldn't, I didn't know what else to do." "No you did the right thing Justin. I'm your doctor as well as your friend and this is what I am here for." "Thank you Frank." "Now why don't you tell me what happened to bring this panic attack on." He says in his calm neutral voice. "I ......well I guess I should start at last night. See Brian showed up at my moms house...." and I start to ramble off everything that happened and everything that was said and a little bit of what happened when we got back to the loft." Then when I woke up this morning the first thing I saw were the black bands around my wrists, covering my scares and I just started to freak out. What am I going to say to Brian? How do I explain this to him? Just ....what am I going to do?" "Don't you think the best thing to do is to tell him the truth?" he asks. "I don't know Frank." "Do you want to have a relationship with Brian? One that will last?" "Well of course I do." "Well than you need to be honest with him. Otherwise you will be holding a part of yourself back, not letting him see the part of your life that has contributed to who you are now." "Your right, I know you are, I'm just scared." "I know you are but if he loves you as much as he says he does than you have nothing to be worried about. He will still love you after he knows the truth." "I hope so." "And you know that you always have Lynn, Danny and I right?" "I know. You guys have been like family to me. I would never forget that." "Good, I'm glad. Now get yourself off the floor and wash off your face, pull yourself together and if you need me again do not hesitate to call me. I'm always here for you." "I know Frank, thank you. I'll call you later to let you know how everything went." "Ok talk to you later than. Bye." "Bye." And then I hang up. I knew that he could put me back together. I know he's right about telling Brian the truth. I mean the only way I could ever hide something like this is to never see him again and that is just not something that I am willing to do. So I pick myself up off the floor and rinse my face off. After I dry my face, I drop the towel and look at my leather bands for a minute, I slowly take them off and set them to the side; I turn them over and look at what I did to myself..................................... I take the knife and put it to my left wrist. I push it in to the bottom of my palm and drag it up over my vein. I watch for a second as the blood starts to flow, running off the sides. It hurt but not as much as I thought it would. The pain in my head outweighs it by far. I switch the knife to my other hand and put the blade to the bottom of my palm and run it up and over the vein. I put the knife down and watch for a second as the blood runs over my wrists, down and soaking into my jeans. I feel a chill go through my body and I close my eyes.......'knock...., knock' "Justin.....baby are you in there? Why is the door locked?" 'Knock.... "Yea Bri. I'm in here." I take a look in the mirror and a deep breath, I turn and go to the door clicking over the lock and sliding it open........ "Hey you ok?" he asks bringing his hand up to cup my cheek. I lean into his hand.... "I need to um… I need to tell you something." I tell him looking into his eyes and holding his hand to my face. He brings his free hand around my back pulling me into him. Rubbing the small of my back.... "Baby you can tell me anything....." "I hope so....." Before he can answer to that I continue with "let’s sit down." I pull myself from him and sit on the middle of the bed. He slowly turns around with a confused look on his face but he comes over to the bed and crawls up to the middle sitting in front of me taking my hands in his. I look at our hands and fingers twined together. "Justin,....baby look at me." I do and he looks scared, I probably look the same. "You can tell me anything and I swear it won’t change how much I love you. It won’t make me turn away from you again. Nothing like that will ever happen again. I won’t let it. You mean way too much to me and I am never letting you go again....you’re stuck with me now." God I hope he's telling the truth cause I know this is a doosey. "Brian when I was away I sunk into a deep depression and my headaches were extremely bad and non stop. I mean I was at the point that I had a headache 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and I was having panic attacks, so many that I couldn’t count......." "Baby I am so sorry...." he says taking me into his arms. "I never meant for you to...." "Bri let me finish please, just let me get through this." I say pulling away from him; I feel the tears starting to fall down my cheeks and him brushing them away. I turn my hands over so I can see my scars. They are actually very nicely sown up, their not ragged or anything. I made nice clean lines that they closed up neatly. God I know, what a thing to be thinking about now of all times. I look back up into his eyes and say "I did something that I thought would end all the pain and I did it because it is the only thing that I thought I had left...." I lift up my arms and let him see the damage. I hear him gasp and take my arms into his hands. "Baby .....god. This is why you were in the hospital.......you called me when you did this. I knew something was wrong, I just knew it. This is all my fault......" "NO, Damn it! This is what I did. It had nothing to do with you, I made my choices. I'm the one who made this decision and it had nothing to do with you. I was just really depressed and with all the medical stuff on top of that, it was just a mess. But I'm okay now and I am working on everything that I have been holding inside since the prom and the bashing......." I see tears coming down his cheeks and this is exactly why I didn't want to tell him I didn't want him to blame himself. I wipe away his tears, he grabs my hand and brings it to his mouth kissing it a couple of times and then kissing the scar bringing it back to his cheek he holds it there. "Promise me you will never do anything like this again. I could never stand losing you.... please." "I swear I will never do anything like this again. But not for you, for me. When I did this it was because of me not because of you and if I can't not do it for myself then there is no hope. Something like this is all because of me not you. Do you understand?" "I think so. Come here." he pulls me into his lap and wraps me in his arms. "Bri.....I can't breathe." he loosens his grip just the slightest bit, just enough for me to breath. "Is that better?" he breathes into my neck. "Yeah.....perfect." I kiss the side of his head and bury my face in his soft auburn hair. I feel him kiss the side of my neck and pull back. "What do you say we jump in the shower?" "I'd say lead the way, gorgeous." I flash him a smile, which he returns while leaning in for a kiss. After we make out for a while we get up and walk into the bathroom hand and hand. He turns on the water making sure that it is perfect for me and him both. See we came to an understanding on water temperature a long time ago, he likes it steaming hot and well, I can't handle it so we compromised. It's the first thing he ever gave up for me. It may be something small and insignificant to other people but for Brian and I it's something huge. So it will always be important to me no matter how small it seems. He steps in pulling me right along with him, right under the spray. Ah perfect. Without a word we wash each others hair and slowly start to wash each others bodies which of course leads to another round of love making....it always does, never fails. We orgasm together, screaming each others names and gently move on to washing each other off. We get out and continue with the rest of our morning rituals. This is probably the most comfortable I have ever felt here. The most at home, the most loved...... "Baby do you want to go out to eat? I really don't have anything to eat here and I know that a lot of people would like to see you. Maybe we could get your mom to go out with us." he says buttoning up his shirt. "Sure we could go out, let me just call my mom and see if she can meet us....where, at the diner?" "Of course, unless you'd rather go somewhere else? We can go wherever you'd like." he says while he comes to wrap his arms around me, kissing me quickly. "Mmmm. No the diner is fine. I'd really like to at least see Deb." I tell him rubbing my hands up and down his chest. I notice that I don't have my bands on. Gotta get those. "Hey Bri, could we keep this just between us? I don't want anyone else to know." "I would never tell anyone anything you don't want me too. You have my word." he says kissing my forehead, my eyes, my nose, then my mouth. I open my mouth letting his tongue come inside. This is exactly the kiss he gave me on the dance floor, I haven't told him about that yet...... "One more thing." I say as I pull away. "What's that baby?" he says licking his lips. "I remember our dance. I remember you walking into the dance hall, how gorgeous you were and even how scared you were." He's got the biggest smile on his face right now and I can't help but return it. "It really was the best night of my life." "Even if it was ridiculously romantic?" "Especially because it was ridiculously romantic, but most of all because it was you showing me how much you love me....giving us a chance, even if it didn't work out that way. But most of all because you were there for me when I asked you to be." "Always sunshine, always." he says leaning in and kissing me like never before. We didn't make it out of the bedroom for another two and a half hours. When we finally did I called my mom and she said she would meet us at the diner but Molly was at her friends for the night. I went and got my bands on and we headed out hand and hand to the Jeep and to the diner....