Thank you to my BETA shire, for working threw my story as quickly as she did. Even though she didn't feel good. For making my story more believable. And of course for making sure my rambling is understandable. Love ya. Also to Lizzie for helping me stay on the right track, thank you.
About 15 minutes earlier at the dumpster, where Justin threw his paintings away. “Oh my god.” I can’t believe someone threw these away. These are magnificent. Such pain and anguish and loneliness. Just amazing. It’s says Taylor at the bottom. Humph? I wonder if I could get Danny to show me which apartment this “Taylor” lives in? We’ll just have to give it a try. I go back inside to the security desk. “Hello Danny.” I say as I approach his desk. This man is huge 6'2, 300 pounds, he’s Mexican and gorgeous. He has these eyes they look like they are just brown, but when the sun hits them just right you can see a ring of green just on the outside. He’s sweet too, like a big teddy bear. You wouldn’t think it to look at him though. He’s got a couple of tattoo’s, a baby devil that’s on his right forearm, a scorpion on the inside of his left arm, and a huge spider over his left hand. He has a goatee and a mustache and a shaved head with only a little stubble. “Hello Ms. Phillips. How are you doing today?” he asks with a smile. Did I mention how gorgeous his lips were? Well they are the perfect kissing lips......I smile back to him. “I’m doing well, I just found the most amazing paintings...” I say as I lift one of the paintings I took from the trash up so he can see it. “Oh my god. I don’t know much about art but wow, that is amazing.” he says, touching a black streak off to the side. “I was wondering if you could tell me who Taylor is?” I ask very sweetly. “Well I shouldn’t normally, but I don’t see the harm in telling you for this sort of reason.....come on I’ll take you up and introduce you to him.” he says, coming around the desk and heading towards the elevators. “Thanks, that would be great.” We step into the elevator and he pushes the button for the fifth floor... “No problem....it’s my pleasure.” He says with a very sexy smile. I just smile back. I wonder if he thinks I’m pretty? Damn it what’s wrong with you. The elevator doors open up and he motions for me to get out so I do. He starts walking down the hall and stops at the last door on the right. He knocks lightly and we wait a second.... all the sudden we here something crash, Danny and I look at each other and I get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Something’s wrong.” I say and he gets out his keys and opens the door. “Oh my god.” I whisper. There is blood all over the wall. “Mr. Taylor?” Danny calls out. He starts walking around to the front of the couch, and then he just drops to the floor. “FUCK!!.....Mr. Taylor!......oh fuck....damn it!” I move around to where he is and that’s when I see the most sickening thing I have ever seen. Mr. Taylor is lying on the floor with blood all over him. The curtains, which Danny is lifting off of him, are what we must have heard crashing down. I have my hand over my mouth and I just can’t believe what I’m seeing. He’s just a kid, he looks like he’s barely sixteen years old....why would he do something like this? “Lynn....Lynn!” I shake my head and look to Danny, he’s picking Mr. Taylor up.... “We don’t have time to wait for the paramedics, could we use your car to take him to the hospital?” He asks me and I nod my head. “Absolutely I’ll run down and pull the car around to the front.” “Good it will just take me a minute to get him down....” he says, starting for the door. I go out ahead of him and take the stairs to the garage. I get my car out to the front as he is bringing Mr. Taylor through the front. He gets into the backseat still holding onto him. I swear it took me less than ten minutes to get to the hospital. I went through every red light and every stop sign. Thank god there wasn’t any traffic. I pull up to the ER entrance and let him get out before I go park the car. By the time I get in the hospital I don’t see Danny, he must have gone back with him I think, so I ask the front desk but the stupid bitch won’t give me any kind of information. So I just sit and wait. Finally Danny comes out of the ER entrance door and he looks completely worn out like he just got hit by a truck and I wonder if Mr. Taylor has survived, if we made it time. Poor Danny, the man is covered in blood; it’s even on his face. I get up and walk to him and just hug him.....he looks like he needs it and I know I do. “Did he make it?” I ask. I’ve started to feel tears coming down my face. He pulls away from me and looks at the floor, oh no.... “As soon as we got back there they looked at the damage and then sent him straight to surgery. They said to give it a couple of hours to see how everything goes and that they would let me know.” We sit down on the hard hospital chairs. “They said it was really bad......they had to shock him four times to get his heart started again....I just… I don’t know what’s going to happen.” he barely whispers. I rub his back trying to comfort him and he just stares off into space. About ten minutes later he gets out his cell and tells his boss what happened and that he won’t be back to work today. They say fine, they’ll take care of things. Thank god I don’t have to be in the gallery today, I would’ve never made it. After about two and a half hours a doctor finally comes out to talk with us. “We have managed to stabilize him and it looks like he is going to pull through. I won’t go into all the details but he’s very lucky you two found him when you did. Now we are going to have to keep him for at least a couple of days and he is going to have to see our psychologist. Depending on what he says, that will really be the determining factor on when he can be released. Do you either of you know if he has any family?” “I have no idea...but I could have the guard on duty now check to see if there is anything on his file.” Danny suggests. “That would be great. When you find out just leave the information with the nurse. Would either of you care to see him?” “I would!” Danny says before the doctor even finishes his sentence. “Ok then I’ll take you back.” The doctor gets up and Danny squeezes my hand. He has had it in a death grip since the doctor came out. “I’ll be right back.” I just nod my head and watch them disappear into the back. ****************************************************************************** Justin’s POV: I should be dead.....I shouldn’t be hearing things and waking up to the security guard from my building holding my hand and crying at my bedside. I have no idea what happened. The last thing I remember was watching my life pass before my eyes, I saw everything, I even for some reason remembered everything about prom.... the dance. God it was perfect. I remember every feeling every turn every moment.....and oh my god that kiss. I can’t believe I ever forgot that kiss. “What happened that would make you do this?” I hear the security guard ask. I open my eyes just barely and blink away the sun. I look over and I rub my thumb just barely over his fingers but it hurts to move my wrist, so I stop. His head pops up and he just stares at me for a second before he wipes his eyes. “Your awake. They said it may take a day or so before you woke up.” he says in surprise. “I .....” then coughing, my throat feels like sand paper it’s so dry and scratchy. He lets my hand go and reaches for the water glass helping me take a slow sip. Feels a little better. “Thanks” I say hoarsely. I lay back and close my eyes. When I open them again. Danny I think his name is, is staring wide eyed at me. It’s making me feel extremely uncomfortable. “Why?” he asks. Simple question really, but not a simple answer. I don’t know if I can explain it in a way he can understand. I can barely understand it myself. I just wanted everything to stop. The pain, the heartache, the constant running of my brain, the panic attacks. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just felt like it was never going to stop and I simply didn’t want to live like that anymore. I couldn’t. “Not now.” I whisper. I can’t talk about it, shit I can barely talk at all. I just want to get some sleep it feels good to sleep. I close my eyes and tell him.... “Thank you.” Then I feel myself start to fall asleep. The next time I wake up it’s still light and I look at the clock and realize it’s noon. I slept through the entire night as well as the whole morning. I feel so much better. It’s the first time in a long time since I have slept that well. I’m just sorry it took trying to kill myself to get it. Ok bad joke. Anyway I find that I have to pee so I get up and relieve myself. When I walk out of the bathroom there is an old man standing by my bed. I stop and we stare for a minute before he gestures for me to go ahead back to the bed. I hesitantly do so. He opens up a file when I get settled...... “Justin, my name is Dr. Hammond and I have been assigned your case.” He looks at me and I nod my head in understanding. I knew this was probably coming. “Would you like to discuss what has happened in your life to bring you to this point?” he asks. And I’m just not sure if I’m ready to talk about it yet. It’s hard. He sees my hesitance. “We really don’t know anything about you. We had the security of your building fax over your application information, but it didn’t give us anything but the standard information. I was wondering if you’d like us to call anyone...a family member, a friend maybe?” he says. “No there is no one to call.” I don’t want anyone to know what I’ve done here. It’s just too much for me to deal with let alone to have to deal with everyone else’s feelings about it. “How did I get here?” I ask. I would really like to know how in the world anyone found me, and before I died at that. “The security guard of your building was taking a woman, ....Lynn, to meet you when they heard a crashing sound in your apartment. When there was no answer to their knock, the security officer went ahead and opened your door. They found you on the floor and got you to the hospital. You went into surgery for two hours while they repaired your wounds, they did have to give you a blood transfusion of course and they also had to shock you four times to get your heart beating again. You WILL be fine though.” he says. Wow all that was done? I can’t believe that they just happened to be going to my apartment at just that moment. I guess it’s really not my time to go. “So how do you feel about all this now?” “I’m actually not sure....I just didn’t think.....well I did think but...I didn’t think I’d still be alive.” I say. I know I’m probably not making any sense but I’m actually at a loss for words at the moment. “Well I can understand that, but I would really like to talk to you about what brought this on.” “I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was in so much pain. It never stopped. I never slept and I could barely eat. I had constant headaches, panic attacks and this empty feeling in the middle of myself that I just couldn’t get rid of. All my art was for shit.....oh sorry.” I catch myself. “That’s alright. Please go on.” he says with a smile so I do. I’m finding it feels good getting this out with the person not knowing everything about me. He’ll be objective and maybe he can help me feel better. I tell him all about me and Brian at the prom, which I only recently remembered. He thought that was quite amazing. I told him about our break up and everything that went along with it. I told him about how it’s been for me the last couple of months and it just felt so great to say it all out loud. By the time I was finished I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, like it was alright to still be here. After that he told me to just hold on, that we could work through this and I told him I thought I could. He said he’d see me tomorrow but if I needed anything to just have him paged. He’s a really nice old man. Made me feel so much better even though all he really did was listen. The next day before Dr. Hammond was to come in I was asked if it would be alright if a lady, the lady who helped save me, visited for a little while. I said it was ok. When she came in she didn’t seem too uncertain. “Hi, my name is Lynn.” she says coming over to shake my hand. I raise my hand to meet hers and when we shake I see her staring at my bandaged wrist. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I don’t really know what to say......but thank you.” I say to her placing my other hand on top of hers. She smiles, a little smile but it’s still there. “I’m just really glad we could get you here in time.” she says. I let go of her hand then. “Would you like to sit down?” she does so and looks a little concerned. “I was...well the reason we went to your apartment was because I found your paintings in the trash.” Oh god those things! They were horrible. “Anyway, I was awe struck at how much emotion I could see, all the pain and love and anguish in your work. I wanted to know if you would like to have a show in the gallery I run. I hope you don’t mind but I took the liberty of taking all the paintings and sketchbooks out of the trash and showed them to the owner yesterday. She has given me the ok to give you your own show.....” “Are you fucking kidding me?” I ask her. This is too unreal. She must feel sorry for me. “I know that those paintings were for shit and you really don’t have to do this. I’m not going to try and kill myself again. I actually feel much better after the talk I had with the shrink and I am going to work at getting myself back together.” “No that’s not the reason I am doing this, not to mention the fact that I would never put the reputation of myself and my gallery on the line, just to give you a little boost....I am doing this because even before I saw you laying on the floor in a pool of your own blood, I knew your work was unbelievable and that the artist had a great talent. I want to do a show with your stuff because you do amazing work and it is going to be an amazing show. I am not the only one who thinks so either. The owner of the gallery agrees and I never told her about how I first saw you.” she says defensively. This chick is for real; I can’t believe it, my own show! Who would’ve thought? I shouldn’t even be here right now. But look at this, I am sitting in the hospital after I attempted to kill myself because my life was completely fucked, but then it all starts to turn around and it’s not because of pity like I thought, it’s because of me and who I am. That’s it. That’s all. I can feel myself starting to smile. “My own show?” I ask just to make sure. She chuckles. “Yes your own show. Would you like to do it?” “Absolutely!” I say with my trademark sunshine smile. We continued to talk until Dr. Hammond came for his visit. When she was on her way out she asked if it would be alright to come back tomorrow. I said I would love it if she did. So that is how the next three days were spent. I would talk with Lynn and then with Dr. Hammond. Then I would really concentrate on the things he helped me realize. This is what I’ve learned...... 1. I do have people I can turn to. My Mom, Daphne and even Lynn. She has been so wonderful we are becoming great friends. He also told me that I had him as well. It’s nice to know especially since I’m not ready to call my Mom or Daphne yet. 2. I am most likely suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Which never really goes away but I can learn to live with and control it to a certain degree. Which is actually comforting to know cause I thought I was just losing my mind and that I would never have control again. It’s good to know that I can work through this. He even said that it might be a lot easier now that I remember all of that night. 3. That I can still make a good life for myself.....even if Brian isn’t directly involved because he will always be with me. He will always be in my heart. Which is where it matters. 4. I need to make a life for myself so I’m not forced to rely on anyone else for my future or happiness or for financial reasons. In other words, I need to work on me first. So I am getting released today and I am going to be staying with Lynn until I can find a new apartment. I obviously can’t go back to mine so she graciously offered to have me stay with her. I agreed to keep on seeing Dr. Hammond. I think it’s the only way for me to get on with my life and to get through my past. Lynn has already started to get my paintings together for the show that will be in a month. After I threw them in the trash, let’s just say they needed a little help to put them back together. She offered to send them away to a place that restores paintings but I decided that I wanted to do it myself. I wanna go through them and restore them the way I hope to restore myself. I think it will be good for me. Here comes Lynn now to pick me up. “So are we ready to get you out of this hospital already?” she asks with a huge grin. I return the grin and add.. “You have no idea how ready I am to get out of here.” I tell her while I finish packing the stuff she brought down for me. Danny went ahead and put some stuff together for me for her to bring to the hospital. He also went in and packed everything that I own and put it in one of the storage units. I have so much to thank him for; I think he has done so much more for me than most people would. “Well good because I just saw Dr. Hammond and the rest of your doctors talking over what I assume is your file. So you should be out of here in no time.” I give her my sunshine smile and wait for them to tell me I can go. Lynn and I are just chit chatting and laughing over some stupid joke when Dr. Hammond comes in. “Hello Justin,....Lynn. How are you doing today?” “Fine.” we both reply in unison. We giggle at that a little before.... the Dr. Continues. “Justin I have some good news for you.” “Really. What?” I say with surprise. “Remember how you gave us your insurance card this morning?” I nod my head but furrow my brow because I don’t know how that could equal good news. “Well it seems that your family, which you said you didn’t have by the way, has been looking for you and they called here this afternoon. They would like it if they could see you.” “No!.... what did you tell them?” I ask oh god please don’t let them have told them what I’ve done. “We told them nothing.....you are over eighteen they have no right to your information unless you would like them to have it. They are on their way down here. They should be arriving in about another hour or so.” he says looking at his watch. “ I don’t want to see them.” and I don’t, I’m not ready for this. Not ready for them and all their questions. I want to work on myself before I deal with them. I need to work on myself first find my own way in this world. Figure out how to deal with life as it comes. I need to do that first. “Justin....” but I cut him off. “No Dr. Hammond. I’m not ready. I need to get myself together before I deal with them. I need to figure out my own life before then. Please......I can’t do it yet.” I say almost begging him. “Well ultimately it’s up to you, but I do wish you’d reconsider....” “I’m sorry I’m just not ready.” “Alright. Let me make a note in the folder that no one, not even family is allowed to have any information about you. Just in case I’m not the one to talk with them. I will even express your wishes to your other Drs.” he says while making notes in my chart. “Thank you Dr. Hammond.” I say with relief. “But you are still coming to see me twice a week for a while, starting this Thursday right?” I nod my head. “Don’t worry I will make sure he gets there.” I smile over to Lynn and she smiles back. “Ok then you are all set to go. But if you need to talk or you have an emergency just call me ok?” “Ok....” I say as we gather up my belongings and head out of the hospital before my Mom and Daphne can arrive. I will however send them notes and this time I mean it. Just to let them know that I am ok. I can’t leave them hanging off of that one, I mean they get a call or whatever saying I’m in the hospital, I couldn’t do that to them. That’s why I never left a letter for them when I made my attempt. I also need to ask them for some time, just a little bit of time on my own. ****************************************************************************** Brian’s POV: After the call I got from Justin that night, I called and had the P.I. agency look into seeing if they could trace the call for me.... they couldn’t so I just waited and hoped that he would call me back. I didn’t leave the loft for three days hoping he’d call. Praying that everything was alright and that I wouldn’t get the other kind of call. I did end up calling the girls and I told them all that he had called, but that he didn’t give me a chance to say anything really, cause I thought he was drunk. I didn’t tell them my other concerns though, it just seemed too much and I was still hopeful so I decided to keep it to myself. However when I got a call this morning saying they had a break I was just so excited, but when they said how they got the information I felt my world come crashing in around me. They wouldn’t tell me why Justin was in the hospital; they said all they knew was that a Justin Taylor was admitted to a hospital in Chicago, but that he was being released today. As soon as I hung up with the P.I., I called the number to the hospital that the agency gave me but when I asked why he was there they wouldn’t tell me anything. I asked them to please have him wait there until his family could arrive. They said they would try their best, which didn’t mean much to me, so I hired a private jet to get us there as fast as possible. I picked up his mother and Daphne just in case he wouldn’t listen to me and we got to the airport and were off to Chicago; which just pissed me off cause we checked that city. It was the second city we checked. Stupid fucking worthless P.I.s! I mean come on, I pay them a shit load of money to find one person and they managed to miss him completely! How is that possible? I just don’t understand. I think I may sue those motherfuckers after I get my baby back. But let me get back to what’s important right this minute, getting to Justin. We are almost to the hospital now, another five minutes maybe. I can’t wait to take him in my arms again and tell him how much I love him and that I was fool to ever let him go, to have ever pushed him away. I just pray he’ll listen to me and forgive me. Ah here we are. I throw some bills at the cab driver, jump out and run inside the hospital entrance to the first desk I see. I don’t even wait for the girls; I need to get him back… I’m so close. I don’t want to wait anymore. “Excuse me.” I say to the nurse behind the desk. She looks up at me. “How may I help you?” She seems nice enough. “I need to speak with a Dr. Hammond, please.” “I’ll page him for you, if you’ll just have a seat.” she says, gesturing for the nice cushy chairs. That’s surprising. But I don’t want to sit I want my baby.......NOW. So I just stand there and she nods her head and pages the doctor for me. That’s when the girls finally catch up. “Where is he?” Jen asks. “I’m not sure yet I just had the nurse page him.” “The doctor should be down in just a couple of minutes,” the nurse informs us. “Thank you” I say and she nods and goes back to her paper work. After about five minutes we see a doctor coming out of the far hallway and approach us. “Brian Kinney I presume?” he says extending his hand. “Yes. Dr. Hammond?” I ask. He nods his head and shakes my hand. I introduce Jennifer and Daphne then we go and sit down. Maybe now we’ll get some answers. “Where is he?” is the first thing out of my mouth. “He has already been released.” he says looking into my eyes and I’m trying my damndest to hold my anger in but it’s not working. “What the fuck do you mean he’s been released?” “He is no longer in the hospital’s care. He left about an hour ago.” he says in a very calm voice which I fucking hate right now. “Why did you let him out of the hospital I told you his family was coming to get him.” I tell him not even believing that they would just let him go. “Mr. Kinney I understand what you told us, but he’s 19 years old which means that he can leave whenever he wants. He doesn’t need a guardian to sign him out or a parent. It was his decision. I did inform him that his family was coming and he didn’t want to wait.” “Fine whatever, why was he in here in the first place, what happened?” I ask not really sure I want the answers but I know that I have to have them. “I’m sorry that is privileged under doctor patient confidentiality laws. I can’t give you that information.” “What do you mean, we’re his family!” I tell him, I can’t believe this shit. “Yes please, I am his mother, surely you can give me the information.” Jennifer practically pleads with him. “I’m sorry Ms. Taylor but I can’t. He specifically informed me and the rest of his doctors that no information was to be given out to anyone. That means I can’t tell you anything without breaking the law and the oath that I took when I became a doctor. I really am sorry. I wish I could help.” He does look remorseful but that doesn’t fucking help me. DAMN IT! Why couldn’t they have just held him a little bit longer? Then he could be in my arms and all this would be over. “For fucks sake. Well can you give us anything, anything at all? An address, a phone number, whatever just something?” I ask him. I need something to go off of. “I’m sorry but I can’t.” he says. “I can’t believe this. Do you know we have been looking for him for two months? Two months of not knowing if he was alright or being taken care of. Do you know how that feels?” I ask him. “No I don’t, but you do know now that he is ok and I can tell you this, when I told him his family was on their way he told me he just wasn’t ready...... give him some time. He will come home; I think he just wants to figure out his life first. I will also tell you that he does have people looking out for him, so just give him some space.” he says, really looking at me. I wonder what he knows. Cause he seems to know about me, to know that I’m the one that needs the convincing. “Maybe while you wait you can get your life together as well.” he says to me. Oh yeah, he knows about me. What kind of doctor is this guy? “I can’t wait” I say shaking my head, “he doesn’t know that he is going off of wrong information. When he left he didn’t have all the facts and what facts he did have were wrong.” I try to explain to him just why we just can’t wait. I mean if Justin knew what was really going on he would be home now. “ I can understand that but I still think that it would be best if you let him find himself first, I really think he needs to do this.” he says with a very intense look on his face. This guy is serious. I don’t know what to do. This doctor seems to think that he knows what’s best for Justin but I want him back with me now......but maybe it’s time I really put him and what he wants first, to make sure that he’s getting what he needs...... “Will you be looking in on him?” I ask. I think this guy can be trusted. He seems to genuinely care about this situation,.....about Justin’s needs. “Yes I promise I will look in on him and watch out for him.” he tells me looking straight into my eyes and I can see the truth there. “Ok I will give him some time, but I’m trusting you with the most important thing in the world to me. So please make sure that he is taken care of and if he needs anything you will let me know.” “Brian?!” Jennifer and Daphne say in unison. I can’t explain it but I think this doctor is telling the truth, maybe Justin does need a little time to figure out his life and where he is in it. But that doesn’t mean that I am not going to do everything in my power to find out where he is just so I can look in on him and make sure that from now on he’s okay and so I can know he’s safe. “Look” I say to them,” we really don’t have a choice here.....they can’t help us, Justin explicitly told them not to. So now the best we can wish for is that this doctor will watch out for him for us.” I say looking at the doctor; he nods his head in agreement. “So I say let’s just give it a little time like the doctor suggested and hope that he will come around soon.” We all seem to agree now and I give the doc all of my numbers so he can get a hold of me at anytime. I tell him not to hesitate to call me if anything happens. I want to know. He just tells me he will do what he can. Damn it. I hate this. We leave the hospital and go to the hotel that I booked. I figured we would need a place to stay as we were getting Justin’s things together to go home. Well that’s all fucked up now isn’t it? But maybe not in all ways. I mean maybe when Justin does come back on his own terms and whatnot he will be better off, in a better place. Or at least this is what I am hoping for. I finally get settled into the hotel and call the P.I. agency to tell them that Justin is somewhere in Chicago or just outside of Chicago. They know this and have already started to look into it. They say of course they will call as soon as they find anything. I tell them they better not fuck it up this time. When I finally get into bed I pull every single pillow in next to me where my baby is supposed to be and close my eyes. I still haven’t been able to sleep in our bed, so actually being in a bed is very weird for me right now. See I sleep on the couch and cuddle up to the back of it, trying to pretend that it’s Justin lying next to me. Pathetic? Fuck you! I don’t care it’s what I have to do to even get those couple of hours that I manage a night. At least I know that he has people looking out for him, that the doctor is going to be looking in on him and that makes me feel somewhat better. Not even close to all the way, but it is something more than before. I won’t feel complete until the agency finds him and I know where he is. Maybe I’ll even have someone from the agency follow him.......oh that is good, I think I’ll do that. ****************************************************************************** Justin’s POV: Well we are back to the apartments and I have gotten settled into my room at Lynn’s place. It’s nice actually; it has a bed and really not much else. Just one dresser and an easel for me to work on. That’s pretty much it. She has already gotten all my stuff into drawers so I don’t need to do that. My work is spread out all over the room. Against every wall is a piece of my work so I take a while, which ends up being 4 hours, looking at my paintings and really seeing what I was putting into them with a clear mind. I can feel everything and I know why I did each one and which one means which. It really is amazing. Considering my state of mind when I did them. Let’s just say I wasn’t all there. But now just looking at them, well I don’t think they are all that bad. There is however a lot that needs to be done before they can go into the show. “Justin I ordered us Chinese food, I hope that’s alright.” Lynn says through the doorway. “Yeah it’s perfect. Thanks.” “Looking at what needs to be done?” she says motioning to my work. “Yeah” “Well I don’t think it’s too much work. Just a little touching up on a few that got nailed when they were put in the trash.” she says picking up one that really got it. “Yeah well it’s my first show and I want everything to be perfect.” I tell her while examining the one she holds. “Well they are perfect, they just need a little care, but I know how an artiste’ can be about his work.” She says with a smile. I return the smile cause she’s right. “I can say after taking the time to really look at them, they aren’t nearly as bad as I thought. There are actually quite a few that I’m not sure I want to even put on display. I can see everything I was feeling when I did them and it is actually helping me figure out what was going through my mind at the time. Which is surprising, I was just so out of it. I didn’t know which end was up at the end there and I can’t believe my mind managed to get my feelings out so perfectly when I couldn’t even figure them out. Does that make any sense?” I ask her finally looking into her eyes. “A little bit, I know that when I paint and draw that it all just sorta flows through me. My feelings seem to just pour out onto the canvas. Even if I don’t know exactly what’s going on in my head. Most of the time anyway, but not always. Sometimes I have a very hard time getting anything out.” she says with a shrug. “Well.” I say, taking my painting and putting it on the easel. “I’m just happy it managed to get there.” just then there is a knock at the door. “That should be the food.” she says wiggling her brows and making her way to the door. I take one last look at the canvas thinking I’ll get started after we eat and turn to get some food. I am actually hungry, for something other than hospital food. Yuck! ````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` The first Thursday, This is the first time I went to see Dr. Hammond in his office and to say that it was hard is beyond an understatement. He brought up the fact that I didn’t want to see my family and asked why I said I didn’t have any. I told him how I didn’t want them to know what I had done; I didn’t want to burden them with it. He just told me that my family seemed really concerned and that they wanted to help me and have me home with them. “They would just stop their lives completely to take care of me and then I wouldn’t have anytime to take care of myself. I would have to put on this facade that I am ok and just perfect so they wouldn’t freak out on me. I can’t deal with that right now. Plus they deserve to have their own lives and be able to live it as well. If I let them in now, that would all stop. I want to be able to take care of myself. I don’t want them to feel like they have to.” I tell him. “Alright Justin, then let’s really get to work on you so you can go home as soon as possible, because as much as you don’t want to burden them, that’s how much they miss you and want you home.” he told me. Wow I still can’t believe that one. Well yeah I can, I mean I know how much Mom and Daphne want me home. I’m sitting in my room at Lynn’s house again thinking about all this and it is only like 3:00pm, so I decide to call my mom hoping beyond hope I get her machine. ‘Ring .... .......ring.’ “Hello?” ah no such luck. “Hi mom.” “Oh my god Justin!!” she yells into the phone. “Honey are you ok? They wouldn’t give us any information in the hospital and then you left before we could get to you. Why, when they told you we were coming?” she says crying. “I’m fine now mom I promise. I’m just not ready to go home and I just wanted to have a little time on my own to put my head back together. Learn how to live on my own. And I just knew that if I saw you I would crumble and let you take me home without dealing with the stuff I need to deal with........please mom try to understand, don’t be mad at me.” I tell her in a small voice. I don’t know what it is but my mom and Deb have this ability to make me feel like I am 12 and it’s just not a good thing. But if you figure you can get out of trouble, or get away with a lot more when you use the 12 year old voice and look, it kinda makes it worth it. “As long as your ok that’s all I care about. But Justin, why didn’t you call or write before to let me know this. I have been worried sick and have been looking for you. And Brian.....” “No, no, let’s not talk about him and please don’t blame him it was not his fault that I left. So please don’t give him any grief, just let him live his life ok?” I tell her in a no nonsense voice. “I know but he......” “No mom, if you mention him one more time I will hang up.” I tell her. “No!! Ok I won’t mention him anymore please just don’t.......don’t hang up.” she yells into the phone. “Alright then, I want to know what’s been going on in your life?” I tell her. “Really? But I want to know all about what .........” “No mom really, let’s talk about you. I never ask anymore what is going on in your life and you are always too worried about what’s going on in my life to focus on yours. I am ok and getting better every day so that’s enough for now. So let me know about your life.” “Ok.” she says in surprise and we got to talk about everything going on in her life. I now know that she has been seeing a very nice man named Joseph and that he treats her like a queen and Molly like a princess. I know that she has gotten a promotion at work and is making a considerable amount more money than she was. I know that Molly is doing great in school and that she actually misses me now and wishes she had her big brother around. She has started to date just a little bit, which I think is insane, but hey I’m just the brother here. So that is another reason to get home quicker. I need to watch out for her and give her, her big brother back, which I would really like as well. We didn’t talk about my father at all but we did manage to talk for over an hour. When we hung up I told her I loved her and she told me that she would let everyone know that I was alive and ok. I thanked her for that. She told me to come home soon, that everyone missed me. I said that I was trying my best. Then we hung up. It felt really good to talk with my mom. To have a real conversation with her, not just a ‘what drama has Justin gotten himself into now’ talk. It actually made me feel so much better. Plus I know that she will tell Daphne and Molly that I love them and that they don’t have to worry about me, that I am working on getting home. ****************************************************************************** Brian’s POV: He called home!!!! I just got a call from Jen and she told me she just hung up with him and that he is fine. But that she wasn’t able to tell him about me and about everything that he doesn’t know. When she tried he refused to listen and told her not to blame me and that it wasn’t my fault and not to give me a hard time. He also threatened to hang up if she brought me up again. She tried to apologize but I quickly cut that thought off telling her I was glad she didn’t let him hang up that she got a chance to really talk to him and tell him he’s wanted home and that he is loved. I told her that was more important. But she did say that she would call me when and if he called back. I just feel so much better now that he has called someone and knows how much at least she wants him home. I will get my chance to tell him as soon as he gets back. Plus I have the added knowledge of knowing where he lives. The P.I.s found out. It’s a nice apartment that is just outside of Chicago. They say it’s a really nice neighborhood and that the building is very well guarded. I guess the guy who is watching him tried to see if he could get in to see him and a security guard named Danny practically threw him out of the door by his arm. Suffice it to say, he never tried to do that again. Which I am happy for, he shouldn’t have tried it in the first place. I want him to have his space and time; I just want to know where he is at the same time to know that he is in fact ok. I do however feel kinda bad about not telling Jennifer and Daphne that I found him. But if I did they would go to him and I just want him to be able to do that part when he is ready. He should be able to decide that. I just wish he would be ready to come home already. I miss him so much. But I guess this is what I asked for and now all I can do is wait for him and be ready for him when he gets home. Which I am doing. No really, I am. I have been trying to get my work ahead of schedule so I can take some time off when he gets back. I thought maybe we could go away after everything settles down. I want us to be able to have some time to ourselves to work on our problems. We never had a chance to do that. I have also started to ease up on my drinking. I was amazed I could do that. I use alcohol to solve or at least help solve all my problems. I haven’t tricked at all since the rage party and I actually feel great about it. I thought I would resent Justin or myself but I don’t, I feel like I am actually doing something right for a change and it feels so good not to have to put that part of myself out there anymore. It really was getting so hard to still fuck around and try to look at Justin afterwards. Knowing how much it hurt him. But the worst part of all that was that I knew I didn’t need to do it and the fact is, I really didn’t care to or want to do it. But it was just that I was scared of losing face or looking weak or not being the youngest hottest thing on Liberty Ave anymore. What a stupid reason for hurting the person you love. For not giving them something that you want to just because you worry about what other people think. Well that’s over with, I don’t need that part of my life anymore and I won’t let anything hurt Justin or ruin our chance to be together. I will do anything to protect it, to protect us. So that’s what I have been up to. It’s not much but I hope it will be enough. I guess we will see. ****************************************************************************** The night before the art show: Justin’s POV: I can’t believe it’s been a little over a month since I tried to kill myself. I mean at this point I can’t imagine doing something like that. I got my stitches out a couple of days ago and now I have in their place two black leather bands that Lynn got for me. I really like them and they cover up the scar’s perfectly. On the inside of the bands there are inscriptions that have been burnt into them that say ‘you are never alone’ on one and ‘you are always loved’ on the other. She said that way I could never forget. Or if I were ever stupid enough to try again I would have to take them off and read the inscription and know better. I told her that I would never let myself get that far again. But she insisted just in case. I can’t really blame the woman; I mean after all, she was with Danny when they found me. But my life has been going so great since then it’s really almost unbelievable. I have been to see Dr. Hammond twice a week every week since I have been out of the hospital and it has been really helpful, he has showed me so much and helped me figure out what I want out of life and how to get it. He has helped me face the past and deal with it. I won’t even come close to saying that I am done or cured, but I am dealing with it now and that is more than I could have done before. Before I wasn’t even considering it and it was eating me alive. I have been sleeping better too, well except for when I get consumed with my art but that is a good ‘not sleeping’. I do however think about Brian almost non- stop and I dream about him every night. I dream about the life I wanted with him and what it could’ve been like if he could’ve loved me. But I am learning to deal with the fact that it will never happen and I am getting on with my life. It’s not easy but I am still doing things and the fact that I had so much to do for the show really helped. Talking to what has become my new family has really helped as well. Danny, Lynn and even Frank (Dr. Hammond) have become my family here. They have been there to talk with me and listen to me and to get me out of the apartment when I need it. They have been everything to me since that day. They even know when to back off and let me figure things out for myself, which means so much to me. I have spent a lot of time alone lately and I didn’t know how much good it could do to help me figure out my life until now. They have given me that. Knowing that they will be there and still not give up their lives just because of ‘poor little Justin’s problems’ has given me that. My mom and I have talked a couple more times since I called the first time, and while I haven’t told her about my suicide attempt and most likely never will, we have managed to get closer with every phone call. I didn’t tell her about my show, I really just want to get through it and if it is a success, then I will be able to tell her. But I just don’t want the added pressure of her wanting to be there and then everything else that would follow it. But anyway, I am all set for tomorrow. I managed to get all the paintings and sketches repaired and ready for the show. We have spent the last four days getting everything framed and hung just the way I want them. It isn’t by any means a big gallery, but it isn’t small either. It has a great feel to it and I really love being there. I think it is also perfect for a first showing. I am just so excited; it has been so long since I have felt this way. I am however nervous as hell! I mean who wouldn’t be right? But I will have Lynn there and Danny said he wouldn’t miss it for the world! I even invited the Doc. He said he would love to go. So I’m all set and I even have a support team. Which three month’s ago I thought I would never have again. “Hey Jus, Danny’s here and we are going to order Italian, so whatcha want?” she asks me, doing her patented wiggle dance in my door. I just shake my head and laugh. I get up and she grabs my hands and has me doing it with her. The things this chick can get me to do. “You are something else. You know that?” I tell her. She starts dancing backwards pulling me with her. “Ah, but you love me more because of it,...... and don’t lie, you love dancin all silly with me.....” I shake my head and laugh I look over and see Danny laughing his ass off. “God how many times are you going to let her do that to you?” he says fighting to breathe and holding his side. “Oh shut the fuck up asshole, it’s not like I haven’t seen her get you once or twice.” He sputters and coughs and straightens up real quick. I just raise a brow and it’s Lynn’s turn to laugh. Which finally gets her to stop dancing, so I take my chance and sit really quickly in the side chair. I pick up the menu and take a quick glance and decide on chicken parmesan. It’s almost as good as Deb’s but not quite, hers has that special touch of love to it. I know it sounds stupid but it’s true. I call the restaurant and order up the food and we just sit around and talk until about 3am. I just have to get a couple of things out of the way before tomorrow so I leave them to their own devices. They have started a relationship, one that I think is really going to last. Lynn says she has had a crush on him since she first laid eyes on him and that was about 7 months ago. I also found out that Danny has had the same crush on her. They just seem to fit together so well. They compliment each other perfectly. But I swear, they will take shots at each other every chance they get. You would think they were fighting but no, it’s completely harmless and all in fun. It’s a little weird and oddly enough; it reminds me of the way Brian and I were together. Only they are actually both falling in love. They really are perfect together. I’m happy for them. So I left them alone and went to my room. As I look around it feels a little empty without all my paintings and sketches surrounding me. But I did keep one sketchbook just for myself. So I grab it and sit down and flip through it for the thousandth time. It’s got everyone in here, all the ‘family’, yes I still call them that, and my mom and Daphne. The most important one though is still Brian and then Gus coming in a close second. I’ve stared at these for hours on end and I sleep with it under my pillow. Or if I fall asleep looking at it, it lays on my chest. It helps that little bit. You know. So tonight is no different from the other nights when I climb into bed and look through it touching their faces and laughing a little, remembering this time or that time. When I get to the pictures of Brian though, that’s when I open up and tell him everything that is going on in my life. What my day was like and what I’m doing tomorrow, how I’m feeling and what I want. Pathetic? Fuck you. It helps and anything that will help me through the lonely nights when I miss him the most is more than welcome in book. I find myself drifting off now so I put the sketchbook down on my chest next to my heart. I need the little extra connection tonight and then I let myself drift off. Tomorrow is a big day after all.