Justin's POV: "Well this isn't such a bad place." I had finally decided to stay at this little rinky dink hotel off the side of the freeway. I had been driving for a while and I just felt like I needed to stop. I feel totally and completely drained. Emotionally, physically, everything. Not even after the bashing did I feel this emotionally drained. I think it was because I was never alone. I had my mom, my friends and most importantly I had Brian who helped me through it all. This time I don't have any of those things. It's a little strange to be all alone, I mean I have never really been alone I always had at least Daphne by my side. But this time, this time I have done too much and it's not fair to put them in the middle of it. They are really good to me.....too good to me and I don't deserve all that they would do for me. They would put their lives on hold to be there for me. They shouldn't have to do that and I won't let them. So I made sure that no one could track me if they try to find me. I cancelled my cell phone, closed my checking account after I cashed Tony's check, I never had a credit card so it's not like they could find me that way. I will call them eventually when I find a place to stay, as long as I have my head on straight that is. I don't want them to hear anything alarming in my voice. I won't let them know. From now on it's just me. I remember Brian used to say that to me all the time in the beginning "you're all you have." I'm starting to understand that now. I shake my head to try and stop the thoughts that are running through there, but so far since I left Pittsburgh it hasn't helped. My head has been spinning non- stop. I'm thinking of my life and what it's come down to. I probably had what one could consider the best childhood anyone could dream of. I had a father and mother who would do anything for me. At that time they loved me no matter what. They protected me, and helped me through the bad times and of course, they were there for the good times. All the award ceremonies, all the family vacations, every holiday, even the simple times are standing out in my mind. Fishing with my dad, learning to cook with my mom, giving my sister hell just cause I could. But mostly my mind is stuck on the last two years. It keeps on going in this circle, it's like it won't stop, it won't slow down. I'm seeing Brian for the first time, I'm dancing with Brian for the first time, making lo......fucking Brian for the first time. I go over and lay down on the bed. Right before Brian and I started that whole 'non relationship' thing, as a matter of fact it was the day I found out that the dean was going to let me stay in school; well anyways we were at Deb's for dinner with the whole family of course. I was horny so I gave Brian a little hint for us to go out back and make out or fuck or whatever. We went but before we could get all the way out the door we heard them making their snide remarks and little jokes that we've become accustom to. But then they decided to take it a step farther by placing bets on how long we'd last. Brian saw how my face fell so he led me from the doorway; we went around to the front, got into the jeep and headed for the loft. Neither one of us said anything the entire drive. I was too scared cause I figured he was pissed that they'd assume anything as far as us being in a relationship.....I wonder if that's why he decided to try the whole 'non relationship'. That would explain so much. That must be it, he must have wanted to prove them wrong, to show them that he could do anything he wanted. Plus I'm sure that he felt sorry for me and guilty too of course. But anyways when we got back to the loft I went straight to the bedroom, got undressed and climbed in bed. I figured after them throwing the word 'relationship' out there Brian would've run for the hills or more precisely Babylon.......but he didn't. He undressed, flipped on the blue lights and slid into bed with me. I was lying on my side facing away from him. Finally after a couple of minutes Brian put his hand on my shoulder and gently rolled me over to my back, he got up on his elbow and stared at me for a couple of minutes running his finger over his bottom lip. When he didn't say anything and when I couldn't handle the eye contact anymore, I looked up at the ceiling and closed my eyes. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what he was thinking so I figured the best thing to do was just try and let it all go. Then he kissed me. It was one of the softest kisses I have ever felt in my life. He put his hand on my side and slowly turned me onto my side. He got an arm under my head and then wrapped the other around my waist and pulled me to him tightly. We wrapped our legs around each other and I remember thinking right then that no one could ever hurt me, that he would never let anyone hurt me. I know that at that moment I felt it, but I can't seem to remember the feeling now. I do know it was wonderful while it lasted. In our time together we never had very many tender sex sessions but this was one of them. He kept his hands flat on my back holding me tightly while he gave me slow, soft kisses. We let our tongues slowly trace the lines in each other's mouths. He placed soft kisses all over my face, along my jaw and over to my ear. He knows how much I love it when he kisses the outside of my ear. I shuttered under him and moaned. I can't help myself when he does that. I need to touch him so I place my hand on his face and lightly drag my fingertips across and around it. I know every inch of his face of his body but I still get a rush just touching him. He makes his way down to my neck with open-mouthed kisses slightly licking every inch of my neck; I turn my head so he has better access to the other side. He slightly turns his body away, but doesn't stop kissing and licking my neck. When he comes back against me I hear him flip open the lube, a second later I feel him slowly run his lubed fingers down my crack to my hole where he makes circles around it till I'm squirming and pushing myself against his fingers. Then finally he slips one finger in, I feel myself jerk towards his fingers and I gasp. He slips another in and continues to loosen me. I pull his face to me so I can kiss him. It's a slow kiss filled with passion and need. He slips another finger in and I moan into the kiss. After another minute of him fingering me, he slowly slips them out and pulls away from our kiss. He looks at me for a minute before he hands me the condom. I open it and roll it over his cock, god it's so hard and so thick. When I get it on I pull his face to mine for another kiss, it doesn't last long. When he pulls away he kisses me on my forehead and rolls me onto my back. He crawls on top of me keeping his weight on his elbows as I wrap my legs around his waist bringing him down to me, opening myself to him as much as I can. I wrap my arms around his back and lightly rub up and down. Brian runs his hands over my face and moves my hair from my forehead and kisses there. I feel him breathe in deeply and slowly let it out. "Mmmm." I hear and then he gets up on his knees a bit and places his dick at my hole slowly pushing in while he looks down into my eyes. When he is all the way inside of me he stops, letting me adjust. I'm panting a little, he's so long and so thick it always hurts a bit. When I'm ready I rotate my hips to let him know, he pulls back slowly, almost all the way out, then just as slowly comes back in till I'm full with his cock again. He continues like this bringing me to the limits and making me shake all over. When he knows I'm going to come he stops and kisses me deep and long till I'm panting and out of breath. Then he starts again. Finally when I can't take anymore, when I feel like I'm going to burst with pleasure and pain, when I can't stop shaking from the pure bliss, "Bri, please........" I barely whisper my plea. He kisses me, picking up the speed. I've got my eyes closed and my head is lolling back and forth while I claw at his back and try to push him to me with my legs. He puts his hands on my face to hold it still and tells me "open your eyes, I want to see you when I make you come." I force myself to open my eyes and I look into his eyes. He leans down and softly kisses me while he continues with the same slow torturous pace, hitting my prostate with every thrust. I'm moaning and still clawing at his back and trying to get him deeper into me, trying to make him go faster. This is just so hard.......I feel myself spiraling towards my orgasm shaking, and begging. "Please...please let me cum....." and yes..... "Oh....... god........ yes!!!!" I scream and he slams into me over and over again going harder and faster. "OH BRIAN!!!!" I scream. I feel myself shoot over and over again. Suddenly he's barely moving and he falls over the edge as well "Jus!......mmmm baby!"he buries himself in me and puts his forehead against mine while his orgasm moves through him. Finally he lets himself lay down on me keeping just enough weight on his elbows so he doesn't crush me and buries his face into my neck. Sighing...... "mmm." I say. I love the way his weight feels on top of me. So I hold onto him keeping him there for as long as he'll let me. I could stay like this forever. I feel his cock slip free and soon after I hear his breathing even out. I smiled a little. This is the first time he ever let me hold him like this, and on top of that he even fell asleep this way....... I had fallen asleep shortly after that and when I woke up the next morning it was to him on top of me kissing me awake. We had another round then but that time was wild, hard, and fast. So good. Sex was always the best with Brian, no one could ever compare, nobody. Every time I would ever have sex with anyone, Brian was there. I would in the end, imagine that it was him I was with. I never meant it to happen that way but my subconscious would make it happen. I'm pretty sure it's going to be that way for the rest of my life no matter who I'm with and no matter where I'm at he'll always be there. Just like he wanted. I wonder if he knew what it would be like for me to have him always there every time I was with another person? I doubt he ever knew the effect he had on me, the way he is imbedded into my body and mind. It's better that he doesn't. I'm laying in this bed in some fucking hotel and I should be asleep with how exhausted I've been from everything going on, but I just can't seem to go to sleep. My mind won't shut up and I just know I'm not going to sleep tonight. "Argh!" what am I going to do......so I laid there thinking about everything and nothing until I saw the sun come up. My body finally shut off after that. It didn't last long though cause I was having this dream where I was in this dark place and I couldn't move and all I could hear was Brian's voice somewhere in the distance..."I followed your rules.....while you broke every single one of them and I'm just thinking how fucking stupid all this is. What I said at the beginning I meant. There are no locks on our doors were together because we wanna be. But you, you were obviously not happy and yet you still stayed making both of us miserable in the process. So I'm putting an end to it now. I want my life back, and I mean I want it back to the way it was before you came along......can you give me that Justin, can you give me back my life?" That woke me up really quick with tears running down my face. I know these words are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I let myself cry for a while before I got up to go find myself somewhere to live. I have an idea of where I want to go, I think it will suit me just fine so that's where I'm headed. Chicago...... **************************************************************************** ** Brian's POV: I didn't sleep much last night I spent most of the night pacing the loft. Wondering if Justin was safe, if he did anything stupid, if he was sleeping, wondering what he must be thinking. Hoping that this P.I. guy I talked to last night is going to be able to find my baby fast....today would be good. I told him everything that I know about him; name, social security, medical numbers and information. I told him about his little run away to New York too. So he says we'll start there, he thinks it's the most likely place being he's an artist and because he has run there before, plus Jus was always talking about wanting to go back there so I figure it's probably where he would go. I'm hoping anyway since that's where we're starting. The phone has been ringing off the hook for the past hour with everyone wanting to know if I've heard from Justin. With every ring my heart jumps into my throat and every time that it isn't him, my heart clenches and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I finally changed the outgoing message on my machine to say, "Justin if this is you baby please don't hang up. Please come home. I'm sorry I was so wrong I just didn't realize it till it was too late, I'm sorry just please come home and I'll fix this I promise.....if this is the PI please leave a message and I'll get back to you. If this is anyone else stop fucking calling...I'll call you as soon as I know something." I hope that works otherwise I'm going to start killing each and every one of my 'family' members. I just can't take all the ups and downs their calls are putting me through. After I got calls back from every family member again, the calls seemed to stop all together. The only problem with them not calling is now there is no one calling. Justin still hasn't called, which I'm almost positive he won't. I hate knowing that. I hate the fact that Michaels' not the only one who caused Justin to leave. I'm the one who really did this. I told him I wanted out, that I wanted my old pathetic life back. "What was I thinking?" What if I don't find him? What if he does something because of what I said or what Michael said? Or because he thinks he doesn't have a family, or that he's not loved? How could I do this? Let him believe all those things I said to him? I don't know if I can keep on going forever without him. I have to find him. I think I'm going to call Daphne and see if she's heard anything since yesterday. 'Ring.......' "Justin......Jus is that you?" "No Daph.....it's me Brian. I'm sorry." "Brian did you hear from him? Did you get a call from the P.I.? Did they find him?" she's sounds overwhelmed. "No, no Daph I was calling to see if you had heard from him." "No I haven't heard from him yet. You know as soon as I do you'll be the first person I call." "I know, and I'll call you if he calls me. Which I doubt he will, but if he does......" I say in a small voice. "You never know Brian. He loves you, so if you get any no talker calls.....you better make the most of them, blurt out everything you need to, to get him to come home to us." "I know and I will. I'll do whatever it takes." "I know you will. Ok I have to go to class right now but I have my cell phone on vibrate so if he calls me I'll still get it and if he calls you, you still call me, don't wait....ok?" "Alright Daphne.......thanks, bye" "Bye Brian and no problem." then she's gone. I hang up the phone and sit down on the couch and watch the sun start to set. Justin always tried to get me to watch these types of things with him. I actually like to watch the sunset.....but I just couldn't let myself be seen as that type of person. "Stupid." I get up and get myself a nice tall glass of JB, then head over to the phone and the take out menu drawer. I really need to eat something even if I can only get a few bites down. I decided on the deli down the street and order a turkey sandwich, whole wheat no mayo. I don't think my stomach could handle spicy food right now. I go back to the couch, wait for my food and drink my Beam. After a couple of minutes there is a knock on the door and I know it can't be my food cause I only ordered it a couple of minutes ago....'oh god Justin'.....I jump up off the couch and race over to the door practically slamming into it, I throw it open and....."I have a delivery for Brian Kinney." what the fuck now....... "Yeah I'm Kinney" I say, and the guy pulls out a large manila envelope. "Could you sign here please?" he hands me the board, I sign it real quick and hand it back. He starts handing me the envelope while blatantly checking me out.... "Fuck off." I tell him. I grab the envelope and slam the door closed. For fucks sake! I flip the envelope over to see who sent it, but there's no return address. So I open it up and pull out the contents.......it's from Justin, it's legal papers. What the fuck, I tip over the envelope and a note falls to the floor....oh god. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I wanna know what's on that note. I jump when I hear the buzzer go off. I look over at the intercom not sure if I can get myself to go over there, then when I look back at the letter I hear the buzzer go off again....god this letter has got me totally off balance. After the buzzer goes off a third time I move and buzz them up, not even saying a word which I wince at after the fact. I hope this is my food and not anyone else.... I look back over to the letter, it keeps drawing me in but I'm scared shitless of touching it, of what I might read. 'Bang..bang..bang' "shit.....damn it!" I keep on losing myself. I swing the door open and thank god it's my food. Phew! I get the money out of my pocket and pay the man with a nice tip. I take the food and close the door. When I turn around my eyes lock on the letter. I go over to the kitchen counter and set the food down, I've suddenly lost what little appetite I had. I go and sit on the floor right next to the letter but I can't touch it yet. So I take a closer look at the legal papers I'm still holding onto. Oh my god it's the papers we had drawn up for his tuition. "Why would he send me these?" I flip through them till I come to a page with his signature on it...attached at the top is a check, it's the full amount of his tuition including interest....how the fuck did he get this kind of money? The document is to dissolve our agreement for his tuition. He's already singed it and all that's left is for me to sign. I don't understand how he did this. Before I can stop myself I pick up his letter, I have to know what's going on, hopefully he explains it here...... Brian, This will be the last time you hear from me. I promise. But I wanted to write this so I could explain everything that's here...starting with the papers for the tuition. I have dissolved the agreement. I have decided not to go back to PIFA and when I do go back to school I have the means to pay for it on my own now so you won't have to be concerned about that. Don't worry it's nothing illegal. As you go through the legal papers...... I flip through the papers some more and kinda skim over them. Why did he do this? When I finally finish up the letter I just sit there. I can't seem to move. The sun has gone now and I know I have been sitting here for at least three hours, I just can't find the strength to move. I hear the loft door being opened, but this time I know it's not Justin so I don't even bother looking before I say.."get out." in a small raspy voice. I don't want anyone here, the only one I want won't be here until I find him somehow. "Brian?" I whip my head around....it's fucking Michael. " I said....get out." I turn back to look at nothing again. "Look Brian.....just hear me out. Justin is gone now and I know he's not coming back...." "How?...How do you know that?" I say to him giving him a glare that would frighten anyone but it seems Michael has lost the ability to read me. "Because today about 6 artists stopped by for interviews and they brought drawings of Rage. It seems that Justin arranged for a bunch of people that he knew to take over for him. I've already got one picked out and we're going to start on the next issue tomorrow....." but I interrupt him. "So this is what you came to tell me? To rub it in my face that he's gone?" "No Brian I came to tell you that you're free and clear, he's gone and he's fine with it otherwise he wouldn't have set all this in motion to keep the comic alive. So now it's ok to be happy about it. You don't have to feel guilty or anything or pretend for anyone anymore. He's fine. He's a big boy you know." I shake my head, close my eyes and sigh.I can't believe he actually still doesn't get it. Well I'm going to make sure he damn well gets it now. "I will never be happy, not until I find him and he's back in my arms." Michael flinches at that.good. "And you won't be making any other comic books until Justin comes back." "What?! Why the fuck not?" "Because I said so, that's why." "Well I hate to break it to you Brian, but you don't have a say in it." ...' I have signed over my half of Rage to you. You have a great mind and have the background for it so I figured you and Michael could work on it together or whatever. It's just a thought. Also I was hoping that if it made any money, that it would somewhat repay you for all the groceries and living expenses and everything else you have given me over the past couple of years. I have made sure that Michael and you are set. I got some artists that I know are good and have an interest in the comic book stuff. I had them put together some of their work and gave them each a Rage comic to study on the type of thing we were shooting for. They are all good guys and all you have to really do is pick the one that's best for you. Whomever you'll get along best with.....' "Ah but that's where you're wrong Michael..." I rip the two connected documents apart so I can hand him the one that gives me Justin's fifty percent. He starts reading through it and I don't think he's to happy about it. "Why would he do this? Well I think you should just sign this over to me now, you don't care about it and Brian he's not coming back." "Wrong again little man.....he will be back, I will find him and bring him back. Don't ever doubt that. I can't live my life without him. I wont. I will never sign over his half to you, it belongs to him. Do you know how hard he worked to make sure he got all of it done in time for the publishers? His hand still only works right for about fifteen minutes and then he has to take a break.....meanwhile he still had to get all his school projects done at the same time. But you didn't even care, you just kept on pushing to get what you could out of him. Well guess what, now you are going to have to suffer. I won't allow you to publish another copy of Rage until he's home. Do you understand me?" "No! This is stupid Brian. Why would you want to ruin this for me? It just makes no sense to wait when he obviously wanted us to move on without him. I mean come on Brian, we could do this together. Me and you....we could even get you closure through the comic. You could work out your anger and frustration by killing off JT in the next issue. It would be perfect." I stand up at that moment, and make my way to him. I get in his face. "What do I have to say to make you hear that I love him and that I would never do anything like that to him? Huh? What do I have to do to make you see that he's what I need, what I want? Well you know what, it doesn't matter anymore. I give up on you. I don't want you anywhere near me. I won't let you do anything with the comic till Justin gets back and that's only if he wants to continue it with you. If you try to make any changes, any type of deal with a publisher, anything Michael and I will sue you till you have nothing left. That's a promise." I tell him in a deathly calm voice. He looks heart broken......well join the club. "Now this is what's going to happen. You are going to walk out of here, right fucking now. You will stay far away from me and if we do happen to run into each other you won't say a goddamn word to me. When I find Justin and find out what he wants to do about the comic I will have my attorney contact you." He opens his mouth to talk..."don't say a fucking word to me Michael, I'm barely holding on here and if I hear your voice I'm afraid I may totally lose any self control I have left and beat the shit out of you." He clamps his mouth shut and looks like he might cry any second. "Now it's time for you to go." I take him by the arm, lead him to the door and push him beyond the opening. He turns to me and he's trying the fucking puppy dog eyes and oh great he's actually fucking crying now. "Sorry Michael but that isn't going to work this time....you crossed way too many boundaries. I don't know if I can forgive you but I do know that I won't ever have to worry about trying to forgive you if you don't fucking straighten yourself out and think about the things you have said and done. So why don't you start worrying about that!" Then I slam the door in his face. I hope he really heard me and listens to me about this one. I go back to where I had left the letter on the floor and grab it. I stop to get a refill on my glass of Beam and sit down on the couch. I take a big swig and wince at the heat running down my throat. I shake my head and start to re-read the ending of the letter...... 'So I have decided to leave town. I figured it would be the best for everyone involved. But I wanted to tell you some things that I didn't ever get a chance to. Because either I was too chicken shit or because I knew you wouldn't hear me out. So if you'd rather not read any further I'd understand. This is me being selfish again and I'm sorry for that, but I needed you to know a couple of things. I wanted to say how grateful I am too you for everything you've done for me. I know now without a doubt that you were forced into having me around, but you still helped me, supported me and watched out for me. Even though you didn't want to. For that I'm sorry. I was just too wrapped up in myself to realize what I was doing. I know that is no excuse but it is the truth. I would like to explain myself a little here though. At the time everything was happening, I really and truly believed that you wanted me and that I was the one who could make you happy, that we'd be happy together. I believed it with everything I had so that's why I pushed myself into your life. I wanted nothing more than for you to be happy, still do. So now I'm actually listening to what you tell me will make you happy. Now that I know I've done all that I can to make sure you get what you asked for, it's the least I can do after everything I've put you through. You won't have to worry about me anymore and as you have asked, I am leaving to give you your life back. The life you had before I came along. This is all I have left to give you Brian and I hope it is enough to make up for pushing myself on you. There is just one more thing that I always wanted to say to you, and since this is the last chance I get I'm going to go for it. I love you Brian. From the moment I saw you. You were wrong when you said I didn't know what love was, the problem was I didn't know how to show it the right way. I'm just figuring that out now. God I'm really sorry. I know you think sorrys' bullshit but I don't think it is if you truly mean it and then make every effort to fix what you did wrong. I just hope that this is enough. Brian I wish you nothing but the best. I hope one day you'll find that one person that will help make your life perfect. Someone who can love you the right way, who you can love back....because despite what you might think, there is someone out there who's perfect for you, you just haven't found him yet. So just keep an open mind. It's really been great knowing you Brian. I'll never forget all you have done for me, and all you have taught me. It really does mean everything to me. Thank you. Good bye, Justin "Look at what I've done." I whisper. I can barely breathe. He's given up everything, everything for me. His family, his friends, school and his job. He's given up his life just to make sure I'm happy. I swear I never thought this would happen. I never thought he'd give up everything for me. I can't believe I didn't see how much he loved me. How could I have been so blind? If only I would have realized earlier, if only I would have just been truthful about my feelings or let him tell me his. We could've made this work in the first place instead of going through this hell. Him more so than me.... at least I know he loves me and I have our family and friends, he doesn't know he has that, he thinks he's all alone, he thinks I don't want anything to do with him. "FUCK" .....'CRASH'! I just threw my glass across the room. "Ah fuck it......" I get up and throw the coffee table all the way across the room and when I hear it break, I go for the chairs in front of me........ About a half hour later I'm sitting with my back against the kitchen counter crying for everything I've done to hurt my baby. Every lie I have ever told him. For every time I saw the hurt look in his eyes when he'd walk in on me and a trick. For every time that I had to try and convince him and myself that I didn't love him. For every time I pushed him away and every time I hid behind my walls. For all the love he doesn't know he has and mostly for everything he thinks he's lost. I have destroyed my loft and it didn't even make me feel any better. Bar stools through the panel glass dividers, dressers turned over, clothes everywhere, couch sitting on the stairs to the bedroom, those stupid fucking grass thingies thrown across the room by the dining table. The dining table itself shattered across the floor with the chairs.well one is sitting in the sink now and the other is sitting on our bed. I'm going to lose my mind. It hurts just to breathe, my heart is somewhere out there and I don't know when we'll find him.............