I don't believe this chapter has any time warps but I'm not done with them so look out in the future.
Justin’s POV: When he’s finally out of the room and I hear the front door close, I practically collapse into the chair beside me. I knew it was going to be hard seeing him again but damn it! Is it always going to be heart retching? Because truthfully if it is I don’t know if I can handle being around him all the time. From the moment I walked into the room I had this overwhelming urge to jump into his arms, but I didn’t and I am so proud of myself for that. I wish he would’ve never told me he was all mine. I wish he would’ve just kept tricking at least that way I wouldn’t have woken up to such a hurtful world. I mean before the accident it was a bit easier because I didn’t have him. He wasn’t mine. But then the night before he declared his love for me and that we would be together and that he wasn’t going anywhere and that we were going to live together... see all of that changed the whole outlook on things. It just wasn’t the same type of situation we had started out with. It was instead real, and steady, and loving. It was a whole new life for us, and we never got to have a chance at it. I think that’s what hurts the most; we never truly had our chance. But the thing that I am trying to constantly remind myself of is that it doesn’t matter anymore. So I’m trying to pretend it never happened. Which is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Maybe it’s even impossible. However I’m not willing to ever give up on the possibility. I feel a tear slip down my cheek and I swiftly wipe it away. “Sweet Heart?” I hear Trudy say and I look towards the livingroom door to see her sticking her head through the cracked door. I give her a tiny smile that quickly goes away. It’s been hard to keep a smile on my face these days. It’s one of the reasons I want to get back to work so badly. Because truthfully even with Brian being so close, I’ll still be in my own office which I can pretty much make a ritual if I have to. Then on top of it I’ll at the very least have something to keep me busy. I can just pile on the work. There is so much to do. Reacquaint myself with the clients and their products and ads. Things like that alone could keep me busy for a month. Plus I want to get back to using my art. I’ll be able to practice my skills so much more in this way, I think at least. Which is kinda exciting. “Come in,” I say waving my hand to her, and putting my thoughts to the side. “Are you okay?” she asks sympathetically, which I’m not to sure I like. “I’m fine.” I say with the best smile I can come up with. “I’m going back to work next week.” “Oh my god, really?” she says excitedly and I nod my head. She gives me a big hug which I return. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks pulling away. “I wanted to make sure that it would be okay with Brian first.” I say with a shrug. “Well I can understand that.” she squeezes my arms slightly. “Well this is call for a celebration.” she says happily but it has me grimacing. “Trudy, no more celebrations, please.” I almost beg, because I swear every little thing that I have done since I woke up has been ‘cause for celebration.’ and I’m kinda tired of celebrating. “Are you sure?” she looks so concerned. “Yes. Just a regular day is fine with me.” she looks a bit skeptical. “I swear.” I say laughingly. “Well alright then,” she says completely back to her old self, which makes me more happy than any celebration. I just want some normalcy. “Would you like to go back to your room now?” “Nah,” I say shaking my head and looking towards the couch where Brian was sitting not ten minutes ago. “I think I’d like to stay here for a bit longer.” “Alright,” she says walking across the room and opening up the top drawer of a case put down here especially for me and my art things. They have my art things strategically placed in every room of this house just so I always had them at my finger tips. They have been so great to me. Everything a boy could ever want from their parents. Which is how I think of them. How could I not though? “Here you go sweety. I’m sure you’re in the mood to do a little drawing.” she says with a sweet smile as she hands me the supplies. “Thanks, mom.” she looks completely shocked and I start to wonder when she doesn’t say anything for a while if maybe I said the wrong thing. But then I see a tear roll down her cheek and a huge smile cross her face before she leans down and takes me in a huge hug, but with the way she has me all I can do is barely pat her back. I faintly hear my things drop to the floor but it really doesn’t matter right at this point. However she seems to think it does because she pulls back sniffling and looking to the floor. “I dropped your stuff,” “It’s just paper and pencil,” I say with a big smile. She nods her head and runs her hand over my cheek then reaches down to get me my things and sit them back on my lap. “Well,” she says standing up and straightening her self out a bit. “I’ll leave you to it, while I go get dinner started.” she looks at me and we smile at each other, before she bends over and kisses my forehead, and turns to leave closing the door behind her. I give a little chuckle at the site we must have been just then before my eyes look over to the spot where Brian was sitting. God I miss him. I grab my cane and stand up making my way over to his seat, and then sitting myself down in it. I take a deep breath and settle myself in deeper getting really comfortable. Then I look to where I saw him standing in front of the window. “Hmmm,” he took my breath away for a second there. He just looked so good and even now I can see him standing there. I pull up a clean page and get started on a new sketch of him. I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist, and hell I really don’t want to. KCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC Brian’s POV: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Few Hours Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As I open the door and step inside I feel myself relaxing just the slightest little bit. I throw my coat onto the sofa and move into the bedroom but I stop at the door as I remember one of the to little memories I have of us being in his bed together. Flashback>>>> We were inseparable it seemed in that month we first worked together, that is until I gave it all up. The time I wasted. It makes me sick every time I think about it. As I move to his bed and sit down I can feel the tears stinging at the back of my eyes, and I don’t even fight them back when I feel them spill over. Everything is just so wrong. My life doesn’t make any kind of sense anymore, and all I ever want to do is just go to Justin and never ever leave his side again. It’s just not fucking fair! Why does my life constantly have to just be so fucked up? Why is it that I can never just have what I want? And there is nothing in the world that I have ever wanted more than Justin. I just want him back with me. He’s all I have ever wanted. I lye down on his side and I feel my body shake from the sobs that I am not trying to stop. I grab the sides of the blankets and throw them over me as I curl myself into a ball. In his apartment I am safe to feel and cry and do whatever it is I need to. I just wish he was here. I wish I could wrap my arms around him again, like I have done so many times in my dreams. I have dreamt of him every night since I had met him, and I wouldn’t give them up. They’ve been my only relief since Justin went into a coma. I feel myself starting to drift off and I welcome the relief. My head actually hurts from thinking so much, and the ache in my heart is just to much to bare right now. So I let myself drift off to the welcoming dreams of Justin I know will be coming. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s POV: ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Later on that night ~~~~~~~~~~~~ As I climb into bed I try to push this sinking feeling I am having in the pit of my stomach. I’m not sure where it’s from exactly but it’s there and I hate it and I just want it to go away. ‘Knock.....knock’ I look at the clock and see that it’s two o’clock in the morning. I seriously doubt that it could be Trudy or Jarred, I mean once they’re asleep they’re out for the night. But... oh my god. Could it be? “Come in,” my heart is pounding a million miles a minute, as I watch the door open and a foot slide in, and as I see the form step through the door I feel my heart drop. “Hey did I wake you?” Jonathan asks. I shake my head at him and wave him in. “Not at all, I was just climbing in,” I pat the empty side of the bed. “What’s up?” he walks over to me and I can tell just by his walk that something has him upset. I throw the covers back and he takes off his shoes and shirt socks and pants, then climbs into bed and into my arms. “Ah JT,” he sounds so sad. I cover us up and scoot us down into the blankets a bit more. “He left me.” “But why?” I don’t understand he and Alex were so in love. They were so happy together. “He said he met someone...” oh man. “Some guy named Sam for fuck’s sake.” he says with disdain. “He says they fell in love.” I feel him shake his head in my neck. “What an asshole,” I say and kiss his forehead. “They’ve been seeing each other for two months.” I am going to kick that guys ass. “Why didn’t he say something when they first met?” he’s crying. I hate to see him so hurt. “I just don’t understand.” “I know,” I say and hold him a little tighter wishing I could take his pain away. “I’m so sorry.” “It hurts JT, it hurts so much.” don’t I know just how much it hurts to lose the man you love to another. God do I know. “It’s going to be okay.” I say and hope to god that I’m not lying to him, because truth be told I have no idea if I am going to be okay so who really knows if he will. I just really hope that he will be. “I loved him, you know?” he says looking up to me with tears running down his cheeks. I nod my head and brush the tears away as we both place our heads on the pillow. “I know you did.” I tell him and lean forward to give him a peck on the mouth. I give him a small smile and move the hair from his face behind his ear. He leans forward a bit and places a kiss on my lips, then lyes his head back on the pillow but closer this time, so that our faces are just an inch apart. “JT,” he says softly and when I look into his eyes I know exactly what he wants. I sit up quickly and shake my head at him. “We can’t Jonathan,” I tell him softly. “Yes we can,” he says with a smile while gently putting his hand against my cheek. “We’ve done it a thousand times.” he leans in to kiss me again but I turn my face away f rom him. “You know it could never be like that again for either of us.” I turn to look at him. I see the hurt in his eyes and I really wish I wasn’t the one to put it there, but he’s giving me no choice here. “I should go,” he says and starts to move away from but I grab his arm. “You should stay,” I tug on his arm again and when he turns to me I continue. “Just because we can’t be together like that any more doesn’t mean we can’t be there for each other in every other way possible. So stay with me.” it’s quiet for a while as we stare at each other, and all I can think of is I hope he doesn’t turn away from me because I can’t give him that. But finally he nods his head and starts to get back to his position against me. “I should’ve never asked you for that,” he starts but I cut him off. “Shhh, it’s okay.” we both seem to agree that everything is fine and forgotten now and we drift off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Following Monday 8:30am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I decided to come into work early today to make sure everything was set for when Justin gets here. I had a cleaning service come in after I had talked with Justin last week. His office after all hadn’t had a soul enter it in five years, well accept for me when I just needed to be surrounded by him. But anyways it really needed a good cleaning. I start to hear people coming into the office and I peek out my door to see if I can see Justin anywhere out there, but I don’t. However I do see Collin making his way towards my door. Shit what’s he doing here? I told him not to come here! Flash Back>>> I knew he wanted to meet him, but god I didn’t think he would go behind my back and do it like this. Especially after I told him I didn’t want him too. When our eyes meet he stops dead in his tracks, and all I can do is try my hardest not to scream at him to get out. He gives me a tentative smile and I slam the door closed. “So help me he better get the point.” I walk in a circle trying to release some of this anger because I know him and if he’s here I know he wont back away he’ll keep pushing. Hell it’s how he got me, after all. “Brian,” I hear him say but I can’t even look at him right now. I hear the door close and then silence. Finally when I can’t take it anymore I turn to him. “What are you doing here Collin?” I say with clenched teeth. “I know you’re angry,” I laugh without humor at that ridiculous comment. “I am beyond angry,” “Just hear me out.” “Yeah like you heard me out, right?” this is unbelievable. “I did hear you out Brian, really I did.” he starts to move towards me but I can’t even think of him touching me so I move back, and he stops automatically. He shakes his head. “I just think that you’re a bit to close to this situation to...” “To what? To know what’s right and wrong?” I ask incredulously. “If I didn’t think this would turn out okay I wouldn’t be here.” “You don’t know anything about this situation, Collin. You don’t know anything about him!” how could he think he knows better than me when it comes to Justin? “Yes, you’re right about that,” “Now you’re just placating me.” I say and move towards my desk. “Now I want you to leave.” “Brian, you’re being unreasonable.” “I hate it when you do that,” I say throwing my hands in the air. I am losing my patience here. “I’m not going to do this now.” “I can’t believe you,” “No I can’t believe you! I asked you not to come here today. Not to do it this way. But you completely ignored me, but I wasn’t kidding and I am not going to let this happen. You should’ve known that.” I say emphatically. “Beep,” goes the intercom. I grab the receiver so we can talk privately. “Yeah?” “He’s here! Brian he’s here!” Cynthia says excitedly. “Thank you, Cynthia.” I hang up the phone and look towards Collin. “You have to go now.” I say pointing towards the door. “You know I’m not going to do that.” he says folding his arms over his chest. “Why are you doing this?” I seriously ask him cause I don’t understand his reasons. “You know non of this is Justin’s fault. So why are you trying to hurt him?” “You know me better than that,” he starts but I cut him off. “No I don’t think I do.” obviously I don’t. “I don’t want to hurt him Brian, I just...” he looks down and then back up to me. “I need to meet him. I need to know, what I’m up against.” I run my hand through my hair and wonder what to say to that comment. “You’re my husband Collin,” but he cuts me off. “That will never change the fact that he’s the love of your life.” I can’t deny that fact, but “I’m not going to just leave you. We’re married, I know that and I took my vows seriously and I meant them.” I say with complete truth. He seems to be thinking this through, when finally he nods his head. “I know you did.” “So then you should trust in that.” “It’s not that easy,” he says making his way over to me. “We haven’t even made love since he woke up Brian.” I turn away from him because I can’t seem to help the fact that every time I even think about being with Collin I feel this completely over whelming feeling of betraying Justin, and I just can’t do it. I’ve tried. “Can we please not do this here?” I ask looking into his eyes. “Well then when exactly would you finally like to do this? It’s been over six months.” I can see the tears in his eyes, but I can’t make it all better, I don’t even know if I ever can. ‘Knock....knock,’ “Brian?” I hear Justin’s voice and I look towards the door to see him peeking his gorgeous head in, with a gorgeous sunshine smile through the crack of the door. When our eyes meet it seems as though the world has stopped for just a second and it’s only us. He steps through the door and then he looks to the left, and loses his smile just a bit. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt.” he says and then turns to leave and my heart drops, as I look to Collin and see him moving towards Justin. “Please Justin,” Collin says and Justin turns back around with a small smile on his face. “Come back in. Please.” he says finally making it to him and touching his shoulder. When I see Justin move his shoulder from underneath him and just the look on his face, it’s priceless. He never did like people just touching him. “Sorry,” Collin says bringing his hand back. “That’s alright,” Justin says a bit taken aback, then looks to me. “I think I’ll come back later.” he says and turns to leave again. “I’ve been waiting to meet you,” Collin says seeming to freak just a little bit that he’s losing his chance. “Don’t do this,” I say again with clenched teeth. Justin turns again and I can see the confusion on his face even though it is well hidden behind his facade. He’s gotten so much better at that. I could barely decipher. “Really? And why’s that?” he looks back to Collin. Damn it. “Justin,” I say because truthfully this should be coming from me either way. So I move from around my desk and stand somewhat next to both of them. “I’d like you to meet Collin.” I watch the slight change in his eyes and the little twist of his lip before he turns to Collin with a fake smile, that only one who knows him could tell. “It’s so nice to finally meet you Collin, I’ve heard such good things about you.” he says holding out his hand and shaking it as if he’s just met a client or something. Justin and I are so alike it’s pretty funny how we can just turn our emotions on and off like this. But then this situation pops into my head and I feel so incredibly guilty. “I’ve heard a lot about you too,” Collin says sweetly and sincerely. “Non of it’s true I a sure you.” Justin says with a little smile. “Oh, no it was all good things.” Collin says looking to me with worry on his face, before looking back to Justin. “Like I said, non of it’s true.” Justin replies with a smirk and a lift of his eyebrows. I find myself snickering, but I quickly shut it off when Collin looks to me with a bit of confused anger. “He’s just kidding,” I say to hopefully calm the situation a bit. “Of course I’m just kidding.” Justin says looking to me with a blank expression. Okay maybe I butted in to much. “Oh I’m sorry I just well,” Collin is just sort of stumbling over himself, and I feel kinda bad. “I was just playing” Justin says sincerely trying to make him comfortable again. “I shouldn’t of, I’m sorry.” he says with a soft smile that could melt anyone. “Listen, I just came in to say I was here and now that I have I’m just going to head to my office.” he says looking to me with a small smile then to Collin. “It was really nice to meet you. I’m sure we’ll get a chance to talk another time.” “Yea I look forward to it.” Collin says in a bit of wonderment, which I knew would happen. Justin just has this ability to suck anyone in. “Me too.” he says with one more vacant smile before he looks to me with the same vacant smile and then he turns to leave closing the door behind. “Wow,” is that Collin says as he stares at the closed door. “Satisfied now?” I ask with my anger being freed again. “Why are you still mad?” he asks twirling around to face me. “He was perfectly fine. He is perfectly fine.” “No matter what I didn’t want to do it like this!” I yell at him. “We just completely threw it in his face without any warning so he could prepare himself.” I say a bit quieter because truthfully I don’t want people hearing us. Especially Justin I think he’s had to deal with enough already today. “You’re right sweety,” I roll my eyes at him and turn away because truthfully he’s gotten his way and that’s the only reason he’s giving in now. “I shouldn’t of...” but I cut him off. “I don’t want to hear anymore now, just leave.” I tell him in a tone that I know he knows all to well. It’s the tone that says, you need to leave it alone or we are really going to have a blow out. “Alright, I’ll see you when you get home then.” he says and I watch as he finally leaves my office, and I sigh in relief. I can’t believe he did this. Justin must be so upset. Maybe I can at least say I’m sorry. I go through the bathroom and when I come to his connecting door I find myself pausing. I had such a different first day planned out for him, this is all just so fucked up. I hope I can make it better. I knock on the door mentally crossing my fingers. KCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC Justin’s POV: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When He First Gets To Kinnetic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As I look at the building outside my window I feel this weird twirly feeling going around in my stomach. I am so nervous to be here. To see so many people that probably have so many questions. However nothing compares to the fear I have of seeing Brian again. I mean I know I can do this. I have always been able to do anything that had to be done, but I know with this also comes the fact that inside I am going to be literally tortured everyday. Being by him seeing him and working with him everyday, is great because yes I miss him so much it hurts; but in the end I want so much more so it’s torturous because I know I can’t have it. At the end of the day he’s going home to his husband and it’ll be him that gets all of Brian’s love and attention; he’s the one that Brian is going to make love to and kiss and hold at night. God this hurts. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Jonathan asks me. “I want to get back to work.” I say looking to him. “Why is that so hard for every one to believe?” “You know that’s not why we’re asking...” he trails off looking out his window before he looks back to me taking my hands in his. “You have so many options Justin. So I guess I just don’t understand why you seem to want to torture yourself.” “Jonathan I am not trying to torture myself,” I say because truthfully I’m not. “This is my company and it was my dream to make it the best. Now I have a second chance to hopefully make a difference, to make it better.” “It’s really what you want?” “Yes.” “But if it just gets to hard for you,” I shake my head but he continues. “Seriously Justin, if it gets to hard for you will you please tell me and we can look into your different options?” I hear the worry in his voice and since I know that I will be able to handle myself in any given situation I nod my head. “I promise.” I lean over and give him a big hug for which he returns, then after a minute I pull back. “Okay wish me luck.” I say with a smile. “You’ve never needed me to wish you luck before and I doubt you ever will.” he says and then reaches back to grab my briefcase which he hands over to me. “Now go and show them what you’ve got.” I nod my head and get out of the car. “I’ll pick you up whenever you’re ready just give me a call.” “Thank you, Jonathan.” I say sincerely and then close his door and watch as he drives away before I turn towards the front doors of Kinnetics. I take a deep breath and tell myself everything will be just fine and make my way inside. As I make my way through the doors and through the hallway I am comforted with the fact that nothing has changed. Everyone seems to be at pretty healthy pace, nothing to hurried which I like. I know how Brian can get so it’s nice to know that he’s not to hard on the employees. When I round a corner I make eye contact with Cynthia and I we both give a smile, before she is grabbing at her phone. I make my way to her and as she is putting the phone down I make it to her desk. “Oh god I can’t believe you’re finally here!” she says excitedly and getting up from her desk and coming around to give me a huge hug which I of course return. She’s always been very nice to me and after I woke up she called me a couple of times just to see how I was. “Yea, I made it.” I say pulling back because either way I think the hug has gone on for quite enough time. “I got everything that you asked for ready for you, and there is a couple of applications that I think are suitable for your new secretary,” she says going into full business mode now. “Thank you Cynthia you have no idea just how much I appreciate your help with this.” I say with a smile. “Justin it’s my pleasure and anything else you need you just let me know okay?” she says in a very demanding tone. I guess she means business. “I will let you know.” “Good,” “Is he in?” I ask pointing towards Brian’s office door. “Yea, I think he’s been waiting for you to come in,” she says with a small smile. “Why don’t you go on in?” “Alright,” I say and make my way to the door taking a deep breath on my way so that I wont have to pause at the door with her watching me. I lightly knock on the door them peek my head in through the crack in the door. “Brian?” I say quietly with a smile I can’t help but have, and then I see him standing behind his desk and I swear the whole world just seems to stop for a second and it’s only the two of us. I step through the door way and I feel other eyes on me and I look to the right to see a nice looking man standing to my left. My smile wavers a bit as I realize that I wont be able to talk with Brian right now, but then again maybe it’s better this way. The feelings I am having just from stepping into his office and seeing him is extremely dangerous for me. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt.” I say and turn to leave before I hear the stranger call my name, and I have to say that stops me, and I turn towards him with a small smile. Maybe he’s one of our clients? I give him a small smile as I watch him come up to me. “Come back in. Please.” he says finally making it to me and touching my shoulder. I immediately take my shoulder from underneath his touch and I know I must have an almost indignant look on my face. I just don’t understand why it is people you don’t know think it’s okay to touch you. “Sorry,” the man says bringing his hand back. “That’s alright,” I say and look towards Brian trying to figure out just what in the hell is going on, but when I don’t get anything from him. “I think I’ll come back later.” I say and turn to leave again. “I’ve been waiting to meet you,” the guy says sounding a bit freaked out, and for fuck’s sake what in the hell is going on in this place? “Don’t do this,” I hear Brian say with clenched teeth. So I turn again with what I know is confusion written all over my face, but I know that with all the practice I’ve had I am hiding it more than efficiently. “Really? And why’s that?” I ask looking back to the stranger, that somehow knows me. “Justin,” Brian says and I focus in on him again waiting for him to continue, but he makes his way over towards us standing at equal lengths between us before he continues. “I’d like you to meet Collin.” I think my heart just stopped for a second. I feel as though I am going to hyper ventilate but I don’t allow it instead I take myself out of the situation. It’s what I’ve been doing lately to keep myself sane. I instantly go into business mode, at least this way I know I can make it through this. So I fix a fake smile on my face that this guy wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, and dive in. “It’s so nice to finally meet you Collin, I’ve heard such good things about you.” I say holding out my hand and shaking his. The faster I get through with these niceties the faster I can get the hell out of this personal hell I have created for myself. What the fuck was I thinking? I should’ve never came back here. I just never even entertained the possibility of meeting his husband here of all places. Especially not on my first day. “I’ve heard a lot about you too,” Collin says sweetly and sincerely. “Non of it’s true I a sure you.” I say with a little smile. I do though wonder what all they told him of me. “Oh, no it was all good things.” Collin says looking to Brian with worry on his face, before looking back to me. “Like I said, non of it’s true.” I reply with a smirk and a lift of my eyebrows. I Brian snickering, but he quickly shut it off when Collin looks to him with a bit of confused anger. “He’s just kidding,” he says probably hoping to calm down his poor abused husband, but seriously it was just a joke. Can he not take a joke? “Of course I’m just kidding.” I say looking to Brian with a blank expression. I refuse to show either of them what I’m feeling. “Oh I’m sorry I just well,” Collin is just sort of stumbling over himself, and I just don’t want to deal with this situation anymore. I just want out of here. Now. “I was just playing” I say trying to sound sincere when really I could care less how he took anything I said. “I shouldn’t of, I’m sorry.” I say with a soft smile that could melt anyone and it has. “Listen, I just came in to say I was here and now that I have I’m just going to head to my office.” I look to Brian with a small smile and then to Collin with the same. “It was really nice to meet you. I’m sure we’ll get a chance to talk another time.” I’m a great liar. “Yea I look forward to it.” Collin says in a bit of wonderment. Good maybe that’ll keep him away from me. “Me too.” I say with one more vacant smile before I look to Brian with the same vacant smile and then I turn to leave closing the door behind me. Oh my god what the fuck was that? I lightly hit my head against the door. “Justin are you okay?” Cynthia asks scaring the shit out of me, and I turn with my hand over my heart. “Justin?” she asks getting up from her desk and making her way to me but I put my hand up to stop her. “I’m fine,” I say and start to make my way towards my office. “I’m just going to head to my office now.” I say without stopping for her reply, because really right now I can’t talk about anything. I close my office door behind me taking a quick couple of breaths. I seriously can not believe that just happened. Did they plan it this way? Would Brian really do something like that to me? I doubt it., but hell I don’t know, they both knew I was coming in this morning. This is not how I planned my first day back I can tell you that. But either way it is what it is and I can’t change it just like I can’t change so many other things in my life. I open my eyes and take a look around my office and I swear it’s like I never left. It’s the first place that I have been where everything is exactly the way I left it, and I feel tears burning the back of my eyelids. I however take another deep breath and fight them back. I will not cry here. For any reason. I walk over to my desk and sit down in my oh so comfortable chair. I love this chair. God it’s good to be back here. See this is why I came back here. “Well I guess I should get started.” I say and sit up and open up the files to start looking over the candidates for being my new secretary. ‘Knock.....Knock,’ I hear from the connecting bathroom door, and my heart jumps into my throat and speeds up to twice the pace. I really don’t want to see him. I mean I really don’t want to see him. But I really have no choice about this, so I straighten up and try my best to put every wall I can over my feelings that are running through me right now. I refuse to let him see just how much that whole situation hurt me. “Come in,” I say and turn back to my files. I don’t look to him as I hear the door close and I don’t look to him as I hear him walk across the floor, and sit down in the chair in front of my desk. I just really try to concentrate on the file in front of me, which is just not working I can’t even read one letter on this page. “What’s up.” I finally ask when the silence just gets to much for me. “I was just waiting to see how long it was going to take you to read that one page,” he says, and I slam the file closed and look up to him. “That’s better.” “What do you want Brian? Cause I have to find myself a new secretary and I really wanted to get through these files so I would have more of an idea of who our clients are.”I said that with a little more feeling than I wanted, but I am really trying my damndest not to. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry...” “I’ve already told you, you never have to apologize to me or explain yourself.” I say simply and with no feeling, for which I am quite proud. “I know you did but this is way beyond anything you should have had to go through,” “Trust me when I say I’ve dealt with worse,” slips out and I see his face fall completely sad, and I feel horrible for it, but I seriously didn’t mean for it to come out or for it to be mean. “Look we both knew it was going to happen sooner or later, and now it’s over with.” I say softer. I hate seeing him sad. “I just didn’t want it to happen like this,” he says sitting up and towards my desk. “It’s fine Brian. It’s really not that big of a deal,” god I am a great liar. “Why are you doing that?” he says with a tinge of anger. “Doing what?” I ask completely not understanding where his anger is coming from. “Do you really think I can’t tell when you’re lying?” he asks standing up and looking down on me, so I lean back in my chair. “I could always tell, since we first met I could tell.” okay now he’s waving his finger at me like I’m five or something. “So you’d rather me tell you what exactly?” I say standing up myself and sending my chair rolling back. “The truth Justin, I just want the fucking truth!” he yells. “I can’t give you that,” I say with a calmness I don’t really feel. “I think after everything we’ve been through I deserve at least that.” he says calmer. How do I explain this to him? “You’re right you do deserve all the happiness in the world after everything I put you through...” “Justin you didn’t do any of this,” he says so sincerely as he comes around the desk and I find myself jumping to get around to the other side and away from him. I stop when I get to the middle of the room and I put my hands over my face and bring them down. “Please don’t ask me to do this Brian,” I say trying to hold back my tears. I turn around and I show him just a glimpse of what I’m feeling as I say “it’s to much.” “I just want to make it better Justin, let me make it better.” he says and tries to come towards mer again. “It’s not your place to make it better anymore Brian,” I say holding onto his arms when he reaches for me. I still feel that same jolt. It’s amazing. “You have a husband now and your place is by his side. I know that.” I look into his eyes and I can see all the pain I am putting him in and I just want to make it better. So when he brings me into him and puts his arms around me I don’t fight it I just wrap my arms around his waist. “I don’t know what to do Jus,” he says and I can hear all his feelings in his voice. He tightens his hold on me and I do the same not being able to help myself as I put my face into the crook of his neck and he nuzzles against my cheek. “You just need to finally put me in your past,” I say and feel the tears fighting their way out. “You need to walk out of this office and leave me and all your feelings for me here.” “I can’t do that, I never could.” I can hear a hitch in his voice and it causes me to tighten my hold that much more. “Sure you can, you’re not locked down to me anymore Brian. You’re free to live your life with the man you love, the man you married and you don’t have to feel bad about that anymore. I swear you don’t.” this hurts, god this hurts so much I just want it all to stop. “But you don’t understand....” he starts but I interrupt him. I just can’t take anymore. “No more but’s Brian Kinney,” I say pulling back and looking him in the eye with my walls fully in place. I wasn’t hiding everything from him before, I guess I just figured he wouldn’t know the difference. But now that I know, I can fix all that. “You are going to go ahead with your life, just like I am, and we are both going to be just fine.” I start to lead him towards our connecting door and I think he’s a little stunned. “Now I have a ton of work to do I’m sure you have work you need to get done as well.” “Well no actually...” I get to the door and open it up some what pushing him through the entrance. “Thank you for coming by to make sure I was okay and I assure you I am,” I say sort of quickly but believably. “So I’ll call you if I have any questions, but I really don’t think I will. I’m sure you have more than thorough notes on them all.” I say with a smile. “Justin, I wanted to,” “Everything’s fine Brian, I promise. Now go and get back to work, I’ll call and let you know when I leave.” I say and before he can say another word I lightly close the door with a sweet smile on my face so he doesn’t think I’m trying to be mean. Because I’m not I just can’t take anymore. I can’t keep on trying to make him feel better, I mean I know I always will no matter what I am feeling but I guess a man can only take so much at one time.