I have to thank my beta Blasek5 she has been doing wonderful things with these chapters and always giving me support and her honest opinion, I couldn’t ask for anymore. This chapter has a song in it, it’s by Staind and the song is Right Here. I think it is very fitting in the Brian and Justin relationship. I hope you all enjoy this chapter......SATURN
Justin’s POV: As I run down the stairs away from the loft I dial up a cab company and ask for them to come and pick me up. Thankfully they had someone around the corner and could be here in less than five minutes. When I get out onto the street I refuse to look up to the loft windows. I won’t let myself do it. “Jesus!” I can’t believe he did this. We don’t have these conversations. We never have. We have made it a point to avoid them at all cost in our time together, and now just all the sudden he starts wanting to know all about what’s going on with me? Bullshit! He doesn’t have the right to ask those questions if you ask me. This whole thing is just ridiculous. How could I have let myself do this, again? As I see the taxi pull up I jump inside before he even fully stops and ask for him to take me to the nearest car rental establishment. This is one of the reasons I need a car. Fuck all of this being stuck shit. When we pull up to the place I hand the guy his due and a nice size tip, and go in and select a black Chevy Suburban. It’s big with tinted windows and every toy imaginable. It’s perfect and it drives nice to . . . I may just have to buy myself one. My first stop is to a little out of the way music shop called Four Corners. This is where I bought all of my CD’s when I lived here and since no one I know ever went here it is a safe place to be. I go around picking up a few essentials, and also a few new releases . . . Cold just came out with their new CD and I have been waiting for it so I grab that one up, and Staind’s new one as well. I also got to get the Static-X plus the older CD’s of all the three bands. When I feel that I have enough to keep my mind somewhat busy I take them up to the counter and notice a very nice looking teenager, he’s cute, but he’s young. We’re talking fifteen tops, but he’s certainly gay from the way he is blushing under my stare. “Will this be all for you?” he asks with a bit of a squeak at the end, I smile and nod my head. “Yeah, I think that’ll do it,” I pull out my wallet and hand him the money after he’s done ringing me up, and as I try to take my change from him he doesn’t let it go so I look up to him. “Do you think,” he rolls his lips inside his mouth and God it’s so cute how nervous he is, but pretty amazing that he’s got the balls at fifteen to proposition me, I raise an eyebrow. “Maybe you might want to get together?” I give him a soft smile. “I don’t think that would be such a good idea,” I say and he lets go of the change. “Why?” Wow this kid does have balls. “Because you’re a bit too young even for me.” I say and even with his long face I turn and leave the store. I’m sorry but fifteen is a no, no. I was almost eighteen when Brian and I got together. See now if the kid was seventeen almost eighteen I’d feel a hell of a lot different about the situation. I jump into my rental and put in the new Staind CD. I search for the song they have been playing on the radio it sounds so much like my feelings for Brian. It’s called Right Here, and as I hear the guitar strings and drums come on I get a little lost and then his voice comes in . . . I know I’ve been mistaken But just give me a break and see the changes that I’ve made I’ve got some imperfections But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face But you always find a way To keep me right here waiting You always find the words to say To keep me right here waiting And if you chose to walk away I’d still be right here waiting Searching for the things to say To keep you right here waiting I hope you’re not intending To be so condescending it’s as much as I can take But you’re so independent You just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break But you always find a way To keep me right here waiting You always find the words to say To keep me right here waiting And if you chose to walk away I’d still be right here waiting Searching for the things to say To keep you right here waiting I’ve made a commitment I’m willing to bleed for you I needed fulfillment I found what I need in you Why can’t you just forgive me I don’t want to relive all the mistakes I’ve made Along the way But I always find a way To keep you right here waiting I always find the words to say To keep you right here waiting But you always find a way To keep me right here waiting You always find the words to say To keep me right here waiting And if I chose to walk away Would you be right here waiting Searching for the things to say To keep me right here waiting I feel a tear slip down so I quickly wipe it away and hit the eject button to throw Static-X in. Then I turn it up as loud as I can without blowing the speakers. This will definitely take my mind off of everything except the music. It’s too loud, hard, and fast to think of anything else . . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: “Fuck, fuck, fuck!! Oh I can’t believe I did this,” I say aloud. It’s so crazy, because to tell you the truth I never believed him when he said that I said those things to him. God I was so mad when he said that I did in front of a trick, but mostly because I thought he was lying. But now, now everything looks differently. Now I am just so incredibly fucked it’s not even funny. No wonder he thinks I hate him. He must be just as confused as I am right now. Fuck maybe even more so because he’s been pondering my motives a lot longer. Fuck how could this have happened, how could I have let this happen. I thought I had a hell of a lot more control of myself than this. Because this is just so completely out of control, I don’t even know when this all started. Shit I am so confused right now. How do I fix something like this? Maybe if I just pretend like nothing happened than he’ll just let it go. I mean shit he only seemed to get really pissed off when I pushed the subject. “Shit,” can I really do that to him though? I have hurt him so much and this is just too much to just let go. Man I am not equipped to handle these types of things. I don’t even know which end is up on something like this. I don’t even think I can talk to anyone . . . shit . . . I know I can’t talk to anyone about this. This is just not something I could throw at a person. Me, Brian Kinney whispering I love you to Justin, to anyone, is just not something, even someone I know, could comprehend. Shit I can’t even comprehend it. Justin is probably losing his mind over this and I don’t even know how to make this better. Shit he has to leave. This is all too much for me, for him, shit . . . for anyone to deal with. But I don’t want to hurt him, never did really. It’s just that I can never seem to avoid it when it comes to him. Like I said so many times before when he’s around things come out of my mouth that I have no control over. But this just takes the whole entire fucking cake, world, and whatever else you want to throw on top of it. I’ll tell him when he comes back, if he comes back, that he has to leave. With my plan thought out I sit down at my computer and try to concentrate on some work, but this nagging annoying thought right now is that I don’t want him to go. I mean I really don’t want him to go, because what if it’s true? What if my subconscious is telling him and myself what I won’t allow myself to see? It wouldn’t be the first time I ever denied my feelings. But hell it’s never been for something this important. So what if he stays and I just try and see what happens? See if what I have been telling him is true. Would that be the worst thing in the world? God I just don’t know anymore. I need to get out of here. I get myself ready and head out to the office. I figure if I have to do something it might as well be work. When I walk in the office is empty and it really is just the way I need it to be right now. I don’t want to have to deal with any ones shit right about now . . . I certainly have enough of my own right now. I sit down behind my desk and pull up some files on my computer and get to work, and amazingly enough I seem to be able to concentrate, so I work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s POV: At around ten o’clock pm I decide to go to Boy Toy. I’ve been driving around literally all day long and I really need to just unwind and I figured this was probably the best club to go to without running into any of the gang. As I walk past the bouncer and through the doors I don’t have that feeling I always have when I get into a club and hear that beat of the music . . . it’s just not here with me. Usually I feel this sort of release, but it’s just not there, so I figure I may need a lot more than usual to drink tonight. I head straight for the bar and wave down the very gorgeous bartender. He’s about 5'9 nicely sculpted arms and chest which I can see through his very tight white wife beater, dark tan with black hair that’s spiked up just so, and freshly shaven face, yeah he’s nice, and I definitely wouldn’t mind getting a piece of him. “Hey,” he says with a nice smile, which brings me to his nice full lips. “What can I get for you?” he asks leaning over the bar, so he is literally three inches from me. He smells nice too. “I’m thinking three shots of Beam and a beer New Castle if you have it,” I say leaning in just a bit closer. He bites his lower lip as he looks at mine. “I got it,” he says nodding his head, and looking back into my eyes. He leans back and pops up the shot glasses and I watch as he gets the Beam and pours out the shots and gives me a smirk before he turns once more and goes for the beer. I take this time to start on my shots throwing the first back with just a bit of a wince from the burn . . . what can I say it’s been a while since I’ve had a good stiff drink. But as I throw back the second, it’s just like water. So I go directly for the third, which slides down just as nicely, and as soon as I put the glass back on the counter the gorgeous bartender is back and popping the cap off of my beer. Which he hands directly to me, and I take a nice long pull from it. “Mmm,” I like the taste of a New Castle. I smile up to him and he gives me a smile. “Another shot?” he asks and I nod my head because like I said I’m going to need it to night. After the alcohol has a chance to start moving into my system I make my move to the dance floor. The DJ here is amazing and the way he’s mixing the songs I can’t help but move to the beat. I am trying my best to let the images of Brian and me being together and his whispered words from this morning go away but it seems to be futile, because they all seem to be getting clearer instead of fuzzier. Which, may I say is completely fucked. I haven’t been looking for a dance partner but it seems all to soon someone is trying to get into the action because I feel a large buff man molded against me and strong arms coming around my waist and drawing me closer. I try my best to enjoy this man that I have yet to take a look at but Brian seems to be the only thing I can imagine. The times we’ve spent tangled together on the dance floor of Babylon, together in bed on a Sunday morning, going to bed every night with him by my side, or even better with him on top of me . . . so many memories to choose from; some happy, some sad, but all of them from when we were together. I feel a finger under my chin moving my face up to I guess look at him so I open my eyes and you’ll never believe who it is . . . Steve Mastersen. I feel my body immediately tense up and I completely stop all movement, as does he. However, unlike my annoyed perplexed look he has a sly smile. I’m not sure what he’s thinking but this is not going to go anywhere. “What are you doing?” I ask with my frustration apparent in my voice, and the fact that I am taking his hands away from my body. I watch as he looks around us and then looks back to me with a tiny smile on his face. “I saw you dancing all by yourself, and I just thought . . . maybe you’d like someone to dance with,” he says as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. “Well you thought wrong. See what you should have thought was ‘If he wanted a dance partner he’d find one.’ Because believe me when I say I am very capable of getting a dancing partner if I want one, thank you very much.” I tell him turning away and as I start to walk towards the bar I hear him from behind me. “You didn’t seem to mind dancing with me right now,” this guy needs to take a hint. “Well you’re a good dancer, but that really isn’t the point.” I tell him while I continue to the bar. When I reach it, I wave down the cute bartender and with a smile he holds up one finger and finishes with an order. “So what is the point?” he asks sounding a bit annoyed himself. Well what the fuck does this guy think is going to happen? “The point is we already fucked. I’ve already had you, and as far as I’m concerned that is as far as it’s ever going to go with us.” I tell him with all the finality that I feel about this situation. Maybe now he’ll get over this as well. “You know maybe if you took the time . . . ” he starts with and I know where this is going next but as I am about to interrupt him my phone decides to do it for me. Thank God for technology. I open my phone and turn away from him. “Yeah?” “Justin?” “Brian?” I ask perplexed at the fact that he actually called me and then fear starts in. “Are you ok?” “Yeah, I’m fine. Where are you?” He’s ok, thank God. But he’s asking where I am? “What’s up?” I ask ignoring his question. Why he’s even asking is beyond me. “Are you at Babylon?” I can’t tell but is that a condemning tone he is taking with me? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to know where he was and if he was ok. But now that I have him on the phone and I can hear pounding music in the back round I feel myself actually getting pissed off. I thought he didn’t want anyone to know that he was here, but yet he goes to Babylon where everyone who knows him goes and will see him. How’s he supposed to explain his presence? Not to mention the fact that we had sex just this morning and now he’s out there . . . oh my God is my mind actually going there? Shit you’ve got to be kidding me. I really am turning into a lesbo, because truthfully I can’t help all these feelings coursing through my body. “No, I’m not.” he says a bit defensively and then there is a pause. I’m not sure why he’s paused on his end but for me I’m just not too sure where to take this and I don’t want anything flying out of my mouth that shouldn’t. “Brian? Are you still there?” “Yeah, I’m here.” I say a bit quietly. “I shouldn’t have called . . . ” “No it’s ok, what’s up?” he asks and I can hear the concern in his voice. He always worries so much about me. What was I thinking calling him? So stupid. “Nothing, I just thought . . . ” Oh fuck what the hell, I wasn’t thinking that is my whole problem lately, not thinking. “Thought what?” I can hear the confusion in his voice but I can’t think of how to take that away since I can’t even figure it out for myself. “Listen I’m on my way,” he says and I can hear his breathing change and I know he’s already on his way from wherever he is. “No, you don’t have to do that . . . ” I try to tell him but he cuts me off. “It’s alright I was getting ready to leave anyways.” “Justin!?” I hear a mans voice calling him in the background, which is funny because I don’t recognize the voice. “Who’s that?” I find myself asking before I can stop myself. “It’s no one,” he says and I can hear the music getting quieter. “I should be back in about fifteen minutes.” “You’re seriously just going to leave?” I hear the mans voice again, and I am starting to get pissed here. Who the fuck is this guy and why is he asking all the questions? I mean he sounds as if he knows, I mean really knows Justin. “Listen Brian, I gotta go we’ll talk when I get there,” he says and I can hear the frustration in his voice. “Tell me where you are and I’ll come and get you,” I tell him because this guy is starting to worry me and I don’t want him walking alone with the guy following him. Plus, I’d like to tell the guy to back the fuck off and leave Justin the fuck alone. Not to mention the fact that he shouldn’t be walking anyways. “I rented a car,” he says and I know he’s outside now because the music is just a faint thump now. “I can still come and get you. We’ll just pick up the car tomorrow.” I tell him grabbing my keys and making my way towards the ‘Vette. “I’m fine Brian, I’ll just see you when I get there.” “I don’t think so,” I say starting up the ‘Vette. “I’m already in the car and starting towards Liberty. So just tell me where you are.” I say in a no nonsense voice so he knows not to fight me on this. “You have got to be kidding me,” he sighs out. “No kidding here. Now where are you?” “Boy Toy.” he finally says and I know he’s annoyed with me but I couldn’t care less at this point. “I’ll be there soon, just stay where the bouncer can see you,” I tell him, because truthfully I am worried about him and this guy. Whoever he is. “I’m fine Brian. I’ll see you when you get here.” he says and I hear a dial tone. I step on the gas a little harder hopefully to get to him faster. This whole situation is giving me a weird feeling. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s POV: As I close up my phone from that freaky conversation, I take a deep breath before I turn to face Steve once again. He’s got his arms wrapped around his chest and he looks a bit upset at the sudden change. “There’s no need for you to wait around. I’m a big boy perfectly capable of waiting all by myself.” I tell him in a mocking voice which I can no longer help. “As soon as we’re finished with our conversation.” “Well guess what we’re finished.” I say and turn to look down the road to see if I can see Brian’s ‘Vette, which of course I don’t. Why did he insist on coming to get me? God I could be gone by now and done with this guy. “Look, Justin,” I look back to him with raised eyebrows waiting for him to continue. “I’m a good guy . . . ” “I’m sure you are Steve, but I’m not looking for anything serious,” “It can’t just be coincidence that our paths keep on crossing like this,” I feel my eyes roll before I can stop them. “Don’t do that I’m serious here.” “Yeah, I can see that.” I say in almost disbelief of just how serious this guy is. “So why is it that you wont even consider the possibility of being with me?” he questions, and right as I am about to answer him, “Justin!” The answer calls out to me. I look over my shoulder to see Brian making his way over to Steve and me. “And here you said you weren’t looking for anything serious,” he says and I can see the hurt and anger in his eyes. “I’m not looking for anything serious . . . ” I say and just then Brian grabs me around my waist. “You ok?” Brian asks me and as I look to him I can see that he truly is concerned, so I nod my head. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I say and look back to Steve. “So he’s the reason?” Steve accuses. Damn! This is completely fucked that we have to do this in front of Brian. “Reason, for what?” Brian asks confused as all hell I’m sure. “We’re not doing this now,” I say getting incredibly pissed off at the audacity of this prick. “I can’t believe you have a boyfriend,” “He’s not my boyfriend.” Brian and I say in unison, and as the ache in my heart settles in just that much more I look to Brian and see a look of shock on his face; it probably matches mine. “You know what fine,” Steve says throwing his hands in the air. “We’ll just figure this out later.” “No I don’t think so,” Brian says tightening his grip around my waist and pulling me closer, which is all making me a little speechless. “I’m pretty sure that if Justin wanted you he’d have you.” “We’ve already been together,” Steve pops in with and God I don’t want to do this. “Well if he’s fucked you than I can tell you right now he won’t do it again,” Brian says with complete certainty. Which I am surprised to hear coming from him about me of all people, but as I look up to him and see him glance towards me I can see that he feels it as well. But oh shit, my eyes go wide. “I fucked him.” Damn it I knew that was coming. Fuck! “So does that mean I still get another go?” “Motherfucker!” I yell at Steve. I can’t believe this guy. What gives him the right to just throw my business out there? “You have no right.” “You let this guy fuck you?” Brian says and starts to pull away from me, which I am finding I can’t stand the feel of. “Over two months ago Brian,” I say and feel him come back towards my side again and I feel myself relax just a bit. “He just seems to think that we belong together or something.” “I seem to remember going through the same thing,” Brian says and I catch the tail end of his smirk, right before he gets serious again. “Look I really like you Justin,” “You don’t even know me.” “I could if you’d just give us a chance,” I feel myself tense up from that sentence. “There isn’t going to be a chance for anything.” Brian says and I know he is getting pissed off I can tell just by the sound of his voice. “If you’re not his boyfriend, I can’t see how this is any of your business.” Steve says and I can see how angry he is getting and damn how did this situation get here? “It really doesn’t matter what you see, because I am only going to say this once. Justin is none of your business. You have no need to ever bother him again, so stay away from him. Do I make myself clear?” Oh yeah Brian is really pissed. “Sure,” he says a little too flippantly but I’m so hoping that this is the end of this. “However,” I knew it was too much to ask. “Since he is handling my account, I’m not too sure how well I’m going to be able to follow your orders.” he says with contempt. Jesus that was a bit much. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Brian asks. “Brian meet Steve Mastersen the owner of Chaser’s,” I say with a fake smile. “Oh Sunshine you signed an ex trick?” Brian says and when I look to him I see a smile playing on his lips, for which I smack him in the stomach.“Umph, what?” “Shut the fuck up this isn’t funny.” “Oh come on Jus,” he’s still got that smile. “It’s a little funny.” “Maybe it would be if the trick wasn’t so delusional,” he gives me a hunh look and nods his head. “Excuse me?” Steve questions and we both look to him. “I’m standing right fucking here.” “Well you keep on doing that, but we’re going home.” Brian says turning us around leading us back to his ‘Vette. He doesn’t let go of me so I wrap my arm around his waist as well. Telling myself it’s just to make walking by his side a bit easier. He opens the door for me and I slip into the passenger side, then he closes the door. I don’t bother glancing in Steve’s direction but I can still feel his eyes on me. I instead concentrate on getting my seatbelt on and watch as Brian slides into the seat beside me. When we get on the road I turn from him and look out my window. We’ve settled into a silence that isn’t completely uncomfortable, but at the same time isn’t completely comfortable. I hate this shit. I thought for sure that I was done with all this shit with Brian. But nooo I had to go and sleep with him again. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Speaking of which, what the fuck am I supposed to do about that now? I should just ignore it like always, but what if he refuses too? I mean what if he keeps up the questioning like he did this morning? Should I then tell him why I am so upset? But can I really handle the answers he’ll have for me? That’s a stupid question. It’s not as if I don’t already know his answer; he doesn’t love me it was just something that slipped out. I mean of course it just slipped out. I should just forget he ever said it in the first place. I should’ve never let myself focus in on those words anyways. It’s just a stupid kids fantasy, but still I should’ve known better. I mean shit I’m smarter than this. So how did I get so wrapped up in something so stupid? ‘It could’ve been the fact that you love the man more than life itself.’ I hear my brain tell me. Damn it this sucks. “Are you coming?” I hear Brian ask me, and I look over to see him leaning in from outside his door. I quickly look over and sure enough we’re at the loft. Damn when did that happen? I quickly undo my seat belt and we make our way to the door, then to the elevator. As we ride up we stand at completely opposite sides of the contraption. This all feels so odd. Like it’s happening in a dream or something. It’s all just so weird. Oh well though. I guess this is just going to be the way things are from now on, because I don’t know what to do to straighten it out anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: As we step into the loft and I lock up for the night, I find myself even more confused than I was when I first figured out that I said ‘I love you’ to him. I mean I thought, really thought I had it all worked out. I thought that I would just ignore everything else and just send him away or just start ignoring his presence again. But when I was standing there with him and that Steven guy all I could think of (and this is going to get ya because it sure as hell got me) was he’s mine, you can’t have him! (See I told you it would get you.) So now what do I do? I mean I’m still not sure I could give him everything he wants, and what I know he deserves if he wants it. I look over to the couch figuring that he’d be there, but he isn’t so I look over to the windows and there he is standing with his hand and forehead against it while he looks down at the street. I wonder if he’s a little weired out over that guys come ons? “So I guess it’s a bit weird having to work with that guy?” I voice one of my questions about this situation. He looks over his shoulder and gives me a tiny smile before he looks back out the window only this time his head is up. “I think it would’ve been fine had it been almost any other trick,” he wraps his arms around his chest and shrugs his shoulders. “But I guess we can’t always have everything we want.” “What are you going to do about him?” I mean shit this guy gives me a weird feeling I hope he is going to let him go. “Not much I can do really. We have a three-year contract with him.” I watch him shake his head and all I want to do is take him in my arms and tell him it’ll all be ok, and that I’ll take care of the guy. But I find myself refraining as always, but I do take a place at his side, only I watch him as he watches the outside world. “Can’t you at least hand them down to one of your employees?” That would definitely keep Justin away from him “Yeah, I guess I’m going to have too,” he looks to me with his brows furrowed. “It just sucks, cause I worked my ass off on that website.” “From the little I saw it looked amazing,” I tell him and he just gives me a small smile before he returns to look out the window. “At least this way it’ll keep him away from you.” I say looking out at the Pittsburgh skyline. I must admit I do have a nice view. “I guess.” I hear him say but I know he’s not looking at me, and I don’t know how to make him feel better about the situation so I just keep looking out the window. We stay like that I’m not sure for how long, but when I feel my legs beginning to weaken and I know I need to sit down, I turn to him. “I think I’m going to go to bed,” I tell him because I’m not sure what else to do. I would like to take him to bed with me and make everything all better but I have a feeling that I’d just be making things worse. So when he looks to me I give him a small smile. “I’m sure everything will work out for the best.” I tell him cause it’s the best I can offer right now. “See you in the morning, Brian.” he says softly with a tiny smile before he looks back out the window. “See you in the morning Justin.” I tell him as I turn and make myself move away and to my bed. I just wish I knew how to make everything in his life all better. But I don’t. I mean aren’t you supposed to be able to make everything all better for the one you love? Or supposedly love at least. Because I’m still not sure if that is indeed what all this is. ‘Yeah, keep telling yourself that.’ My head tells me as I walk to my side of the bed. I shake off the thoughts but they are still ringing in my head as I look down and notice that the cleaning lady did indeed stop by today and she redid my bed. Meaning that my bed won’t have Justin’ scent on it. And I find myself oddly depressed about that fact. Maybe I should just invite him to sleep with me? I mean just sleep. We don’t have to do anything together. Oh yeah right Justin and I in a bed together and nothing happening. That would never happen. Well now wait a minute there were those times when he came to live with me after the bashing that we never had sex . . . however that was because he was mentally unable to. But I mean that doesn’t mean that we could never just sleep together. It could happen. Right? Ok maybe not but it’s worth a try I think as I finally slip between the sheets. “Justin?” I wait till he steps into my line of vision. “Hmm?” I feel my cock beginning to awaken from just the way he looks right now and when my mind jumps to him actually being in bed with me . . . oh lets not go there . . . baseball think baseball. “Are you coming to bed?” I find myself still asking even with all the signs telling me not to. “Hmm?” he asks again with brows furrowed. I throw back the covers to his side. “I asked if you were coming to bed?” I say in a simple tone so maybe he won’t think too much into it and just go with the flow. “I don’t really think,” he starts as he shakes his head. “That’s a good idea.” “Justin, it’s not a big deal.” I tell him but I’m not too sure who I am trying to nonchalantly convince. “Yeah, ok.” he says disbelieving. “I promise to stay on my side if you do?” I say hoping that he’ll realize that I won’t try anything. That is unless he wants me too. “That’s alright. I’m good on the couch.” he says unwilling to bend I guess. “That couch is incredibly uncomfortable,” I say unwilling to accept his answer I guess because I am still fighting. Why I have no idea. Usually I’d have stopped by now and said fuck him. “Why?” he asks out of the blue. “Well I paid for the name not the comfort.” I say deliberately being obtuse. “Oh fuck it then,” he says and starts to walk away. “Justin,” I say a bit too loudly but it makes him turn and come back. “What?” he asks angrily with his hands on his hips in a trademark don’t bullshit me Debbie move, which is seriously disturbing. “There’s really no reason why you can’t just sleep in our bed.” Did I just say ‘our’ bed? Oh shit I did by the surprised look on his face, which he is all to quickly schooling. Shit just keep going. “So are you coming to bed?” “I have some work I have to do,” he says eyeing me wearily. “Alright then just come to bed when you’re ready.” I tell him and watch as he nods his head still looking a bit weirded out, as I roll over and try my best to go to sleep. But it seems that time is going by in slow motion as I find myself waiting till he comes to bed. I listen as he starts to type on his computer and it seems that he types forever, and then there is nothing as I fall asleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s POV: As I finish up the last of the four papers I had to type up I feel a bit wiped out. Which isn’t normal by my standards, especially if I have gotten a good night sleep the night before. Then I am usually up for the next however many nights unable to sleep. I hate insomnia but then again, it has been one of the most important things in my life. Without it I doubt I would have been able to get done all of the things that have needed to be done over the last couple of years. All the work that I have accomplished because of the insomnia is just and I don’t mean to brag but it’s remarkable. So I guess I shouldn’t knock it. As I e-mail the last paper I find my mind settling on the conversation Brian and I were having before he went to sleep. I have managed to fight it off and concentrate on my work but now with that pretty much done I can’t seem to keep it from coming to the forefront on my mind. I can’t believe he invited to me to sleep with him . . . in what he called ‘our’ bed. That I think is the most bizarre of it all. To hear him say that just threw me completely off my guard. Which isn’t good, because it caused me to say yes to his invitation. But as I watch the sun coming up over the buildings out the window, I know I wont have to face that bridge until tonight, which I am thankful for, because right now I’m not too sure if I can be in the same bed with him. My emotions are just all over the place when it comes to him and trying to get them into focus and buried deeply into my subconscious while I am so close to him, is a lot harder than you’d think. I mean if he could just start treating me the same as he did when I first came back to help him I think it would be a hell of a lot easier. Because then I could ignore him just as he did me and just be pretty much out of the picture. He’d live his life while I just stayed in the background living my life and doing what was needed for him only when it was needed. I think it would be perfect. But now he seems to not want to do things like that. Which is very unnerving. He’s never this way with me, never. So now I am wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. When is he going to start the backlash? When is it going to hit me? These are all the questions running through my mind now because I hate not knowing. I think that was the worst part about being with Brian; was the not knowing. See if I can plan ahead for these types of things it hurts a lot less, but I just never have that chance with Brian because he so unpredictable. So I think that is why I am so not willing to trust anything coming out of his mouth now. I find myself questioning everything he does and everything he asks me. Because I just know there has to be some other meaning behind it. He’s going to use one thing or another against me so I try to keep my life guarded from him somewhat. Which isn’t easy with him as you can see from yesterday morning, and my slip up. So stupid! I still can’t get over the fact that I let that happen. As I get up to finally go to the bathroom I find myself stopping at the entrance and looking at Brian. He’s so perfect . . . when he’s sleeping that is. But when he’s awake he seems to have this side to him that is so maniacal when it comes to playing with my emotions. But I can’t blame him for it all because truthfully I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it half the time. But the other half is what scares me, because I am constantly trying to figure out what it is that I have done that was so wrong that he would even want to hurt me. But then after I have thought about it to death the thought recurs to me that I have probably done nothing. Which might even be a bit scarier. I turn and go to the bathroom at that thought and when I come back out he is up on his elbows looking at me. “You ready for bed now?” he questions, with a bit of a tired slur. Damn I thought I was going to get out of this. “Well I . . . ” “Justin get in bed,” he says pulling back my side of the blankets again and then turning towards them as he lays himself down. “It’s already six in the morning you have to be exhausted. You need to sleep too, you know.” I must say he is right I do need to sleep but I’m not too sure I can actually go to sleep being right next to him, without being drugged. But nonetheless I still get undress with my briefs still on and climb into bed next to him. I feel him bringing the blankets back over me and it is so reminiscent of one of the most horrible nights of my life that I feel a shiver take over, and then I feel Brian rubbing it away. “Cold?” he asks still rubbing my arm trying to warm me up but only succeeding in making my cock harden. Damn it! See I knew something like this was going to happen. “I’m fine,” I say bringing up the blankets over my shoulder, and settling more on my stomach so that my cock is in a very uncomfortable place to hopefully make it go down. “Go back to sleep.” “You get some sleep too,” he mumbles around a yawn and before too long I hear his breathing even out. He really must have been tired. I wonder how he just happens to wake up as I was coming out of the bathroom. I am surely not going to be getting any sleep now. Not that I was before all of this but now being in his bed I have no chance at it and it kinda pisses me off. I hate just having to lye in a bed when I know there is no chance I am going to sleep, it just annoys the hell out of me. So I start to get up and suddenly I feel Brian’s arms spring out and wrap around me, I try to resist but he still brings me back against his body. “Where are you going?” he asks against my ear sending a shock wave throughout my body. “I can’t sleep.” I tell him simply and try to get up again only to have his grip on me tighten, and him bringing me closer. “You haven’t even tried yet,” he says quietly. “I’m wide awake and there is no way trying is going to help.” “Here,” he says and moves his hand down and I tense up a bit scared that he may try to fuck me again, knowing I probably won’t be able to resist him. But instead he stops at my stomach and starts running soft circles on it with his fingertips. “This always helps you.” he says and sends yet another shockwave through my body, but at the same time I can already feel myself relaxing against him. This is what he always used to do when I was tired and couldn’t sleep. It always worked never failed. No matter what was going on with me this would always relax me. It’s strange how he knows just what to do in any given situation. He knows me too well. I should’ve never opened myself up to him so easily, because now it is just too easy for him to do whatever it is he wants to me. He knows exactly how to hurt me, relax me, build me up, tear me down, he knows exactly how to make me feel loved then on the next instance make me feel horrible about it. It’s all just too easy for him. I feel a tear slip down my cheek but I ignore it, if I try to wipe it away he’d notice and I would sooner kick myself in the nuts then let him know I’m hurting again. I think him seeing that yesterday was enough. I start to feel myself slipping and I shake to keep awake. But then I think why? So I let myself drift off into a very unsettled sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: After about an hour of me rubbing his stomach I finally hear his breathing even out and feel him completely relax against me. It’s never taken this long for me to get him to sleep. I mean within five minutes he is usually out like a light. I woke a couple of times during the night to hear him still typing away on his laptop. I didn’t want to seem clingy so I just tried my best to go back to sleep. But when I woke up and it was bright outside but I didn’t hear any typing I started to think that maybe he went to sleep on the couch. When I heard the toilet flush though I figured he pulled an all nighter, and when I saw him I knew that was exactly what he did. Trying to get him to come to bed with me was like trying to pull teeth. I never thought it’d be hard to get him in the same bed with me, but now damn I thought there wasn’t a chance in hell he’d get into a bed with me. It’s funny how things change. It’s even funnier how I seem to be changing. But what’s crazy about all of this is that I can’t stop it. How does he do these things to me? He has this ability to get me to change. I wonder though if he knows he has this ability? I’m almost sure he doesn’t, I have hidden that away from him with everything I have in my arsenal. But that doesn’t change the fact that he has it, and that it works. It’s amazing really that a blonde haired blue-eyed twink is going to be the downfall of Brian Kinney.