FEBRUARY 2023 “Good Morning Sonnyboy, it's about time you got out of bed.” “We did stay up very late last night Dad.” “Gus you're much too young to use that excuse.” “Dad can’t you cut me any slack?” “Why would I want to do that?” “Since I’m your bouncing baby boy.” “I guess that'll have to do then but you weren‘t a baby when you were a baby. How many 2 year olds can figure out how to get two stubborn adults to see what's best for them? Gus I’ve decided that I want to talk about the demon I had about love. Both admitting that I could love someone and that I was worth being loved. 20 plus years with Justin and you have allowed me to be open with my feelings much more than I could before you two entered my life that fateful night. I'll always be grateful that you two are in my life. I don’t even want to think about how my life would have turned out if the two of you hadn’t been in it or what I would do if you weren‘t in it now or in the future. Do you have your tape recorder ready for my second demon explanation?” “Sure Dad I’m ready but aren’t we going to wait for Uncle Justin? Where is he anyway?” “He went to buy some steaks, he said something about not having enough food in the house to feed an uninvited guest.” “He didn’t?” “Yes, he did.” “He really isn’t going to let me forget about not calling is he?” “Well Sonnyboy you do know how frightened we were when Hobbs kidnapped you.” “Yes but the rules are going to have to change eventually.” “We know Gus but give him a little more time. He's having more problems with you growing up than anyone would've ever expected.” “Doesn’t he know I'll always be his Gussy?” “Sure in his heart but it's his head that's causing the problems. Listen Gus; his car is pulling into the garage. Hey Sunshine I was just about to talk about another of my demons.” “Hey, Brian. Which demon, there're so many to keep track of? I would've been here sooner but I had to buy more food than normal which took longer than usual.” “Uncle Justin I said I was sorry can’t you get past my forgetting to call home?” “I already have Gus when are you going to figure out when we're pulling your chain?” “I suppose I should just admit the truth; never.” “Well Gus your gullibility is part of why we love you so much.” “Dad!” “The demon I had, and to be honest still have, about love took much longer to develop than the don’t fuck Mikey demon. It was also harder to get rid of since it really isn‘t completely gone. Though I suppose it could be argued that I never got rid of the Mikey demon; it just no longer came into play once I declared my love for Justin to myself and never considered fucking with anyone else ever again.” “You haven’t even thought about tricking in all of these years?” “Not once, why trick when perfection is waiting at home?” “Brian, who are you trying to impress, me or Gus?” “Neither just the facts. There are still times when the love demon tries to rear its ugly head. When I wonder why the two of you are still in my life? Why the two of you haven‘t realized how unlovable I am?” “Why would you wonder such horrible thoughts Dad? We've always loved you and always will.” “Well something that well developed isn’t completely wiped out even after 20 years of unconditional love from you and Justin. It started as soon as I figured out that even though my Mom and Dad said they loved me they still hurt me at every chance. Not that they actually said it very often. Dad was never affectionate but when he had been drinking it didn’t take much to set him off. Sometimes all it took was for him to see me in the room. He didn’t want me to be born so my mere presence was an affront to him. Mom may have thought she protected me from him but I never saw it that way. All I saw was that she didn’t stop him from hurting me and that she was more interested in the church than my happiness or safety. They would tell me that they loved me but their actions were the opposite of what everyone else told me love was supposed to be. So I didn’t believe in love or that I was worth loving. I mean if my father didn’t want me born and had no problems with beating me for little or no reason how could I be lovable? If my mother couldn’t or wouldn’t protect me from my father how could I be lovable? Then I met Michael, we'd moved from East Pittsburgh to this side of town when Dad got a promotion. So I had to change schools for the eighth grade. Mikey and I became great friends from day one, which is another story though. While I didn’t believe in love I soon felt that I loved Mikey. I knew that I was attracted to other guys and had actually fooled around a few times. I had blown the gym teacher at my old school but then we moved over the summer and I never saw him again. That was probably for the best though. He would've ignored me and that would've been even more proof that I was unlovable. Deb soon figured out what was going on at my home and took me in like I was family but I kept her at arms length because I still feared that love was dangerous and I also didn‘t want to be treated like some puppy Mikey had brought home. Over the years she was always more of a loving mother than mine ever was; though I never let her love me as much as she would have liked to show me. She always knew when to push and when to back off. I suppose I was always afraid that if I let her love me she would hurt me in some way. Of course I knew that she loved me but she never actually told me in so many words since she knew that was something I didn’t want to hear. She considered you another one of her sons Sunshine, that made it really hard on her when we had our problems with each other. She was stuck in the middle trying to figure whether she should stand by the old pseudo son or the new one. Usually she stood by you, which I never questioned since I always knew I was in the wrong." "No you weren't." "As I mentioned last night I was very attracted to Mikey but by the time he was willing I had developed the fear of losing him as a friend by fucking him so it never happened. I’ve always loved Mikey and always will but I never was in love with him, something he was never able to figure out until one night in the comic store when I pushed him as hard as I ever did to see the reality of our relationship. I was so afraid that I had finally gone too far and had lost him forever. But he forgave me without saying a word later that night at Babylon but he never tried to get me to sleep with him again. He still tried to protect me from the world, including Justin, like I needed help in protecting myself from anything. Which caused us a lot of pain but he did do it for the right reason.” “He still should've come to me first and given me the chance to explain things to you. But he was right Brian you did and often still do need help in protecting yourself even if you never could admit that to yourself. What hurt the most was that I had opened up so much of myself to him while we were developing 'Rage'. I thought that we'd become friends but when push came to shove you were the only friend he had, the rest of us didn't matter if he thought there was anything hurting 'Saint Brian.'” “Michael just saw that you weren't being the perfect partner for me, though why he couldn’t see how much I was hurting you is beyond me. Why he thought that you fucking around with another guy was going to hurt me when I was still tricking with anyone and everyone still surprises me. Hell; when he told me I had some guy’s hand in my pants.” “When he was in full Mikey mode all he could see was how much the world was hurting Brian and nothing else. He just knew that you could never change your tricking ways and I imagine that he didn‘t even notice anymore but I was supposed to be chaste if I was going to be worthy to be your boyfriend. Where he hurt me the most was his insistence that you would never change. He simply couldn't see any of the changes you'd made and every time I said something he came back with the old Brian Kinney never changes, live with it. I knew how much you had changed but after a while I started believing him and that led to disaster.” “Are you still jealous of him Sunshine?” “I was never jealous of him, he was just the younger brat brother I never had who drove me mad.” “I’ll bet that this is going to lead up to my first plan that I can’t remember isn’t it? How could Mikey be your younger brother? Mikey's older than Dad.” "Well Gus Michael acted much younger than his age and I acted much older than my age and I just thought of him as younger than me when he went into 'Mikey' mode and bugged the shit out of me." “Yes Sonnyboy everything is leading up to your first wonderful plan. Every time I think about it I'm so grateful that even as a 2 year-old you knew what to do to make me and Justin happy. But I‘m getting ahead of myself. “Mikey and I finally graduated from High School and I'd earned a full scholarship to Penn State that covered everything but spending money. I wanted to laugh so hard when someone bragged about scoring 1500 on the SAT but I kept my mirth to myself. Mikey only made it to graduation with my help so he wasn’t going to go to college, though he tried community college just to shut Deb up. I really had my doubts about leaving Pittsburgh but the scholarship was only good at the State College campus. Mikey wouldn’t hear of me not taking the scholarship so at the end of August 1989 I got on the bus with enough money in my pocket to last until I got my first paycheck from the job I would have to find the first week I was in State College if I wanted any money for anything extra. Mikey and Deb were there to see me off, while I didn’t expect my folks to be there it still hurt when they weren’t, it just emphasized to me again how unlovable I was. When I got to the housing office I found that I'd been assigned to a small rooming house a few blocks off campus since the dorms were completely full. I had dining privileges at the dorms, which was good since I couldn’t cook as well as I can now.” “Is what you do called cooking?” “Sonnyboy I’m doing you a favor and you make fun of my cooking.” “Sorry Dad I couldn’t resist.” “So I walked over to the rooming house, got my key and moved into my home for the next four years. I only had what I could carry in 2 suitcases and didn’t have any money to spare to buy anything to furnish the place so I was stuck with what was there, which wasn’t much. There was a twin bed, a desk and chair, a Lazyboy, and a floor lamp. I decided that I would have to find a job as soon as possible so that I could earn some money and make the place more livable.” “A place you could bring tricks to you mean?” “No Justin; I, believe it or not, had no intentions of tricking while I was at school. I'd decided that it wasn’t worth the risk of losing my scholarship. I'd convinced myself that if I got caught in some sex scandal then I would lose everything and have to go back home to Mom and Dad. Momentary pleasure from some random trick wasn’t worth that horrible punishment. I could just see trying to explain to them that I got kicked out of college because I was fucking some guy and got caught.” “We certainly are learning all about you Brian, the idea of you being afraid of anything is hard to believe.” “Justin you know that I've been afraid of a lot of things, mainly of losing you or Gus.” “Brian, sometimes you're as gullible as Gus.” “Uncle Justin!” “Back to the story guys. I found that there was a single bathroom/shower room on each floor of the rooming house much like the dorms. The biggest difference between the dorms and the rooming house, other than sheer size, was that the rooming house had older men as well as students. Students were the majority of the residents though. My next-door neighbor was an older man named Dan Sedlacek who was in his 50s. He was a painter but since he wasn’t that good, I guess anyway, he worked in one of the museums on campus to survive and painted at night. He sold some of his work but never enough that he could afford to quit working at the museum. I'd gotten to State College on Thursday, school started the following Monday. On Friday I started looking for work. I lucked out and was offered a job that would fit my class schedule at the 3rd place I went to. I figured out later that I got the job because of my looks. It was as a waiter at a café that catered to businesswomen. While all of the management was female all of the wait staff and bussers were good looking young men. I don’t even want to think of how many passes from the patrons I got over the years I worked there. I think there were probably more after word got out to the regulars that I was gay since like most women they wanted to save me from myself. While it was a pain I made very good tips. While the job didn't make me rich I certainly didn't have to worry about spending money or buying nice clothes. Not that I could afford designer clothes but I didn't have to go to the Goodwill or Salvation Army stores like a lot of students did.” “I’ve always wondered why you pushed me to work at the Diner, now I know you were just getting even for what you had to put up with.” “Took you a lot of years Sunshine but you finally caught me. Was it really that bad working at the Diner?” “Once I got used to it I had no problems but that first week or so until Vic told me how to handle the passes was hell. You weren’t any help that's for sure. The one guy I wanted to make a pass never did.” “You mean Theodore never hit on you?” “Brian!” “Now who's gullible? Let me get back to my story Justin. While I didn’t risk picking anyone up I still was 18 years old and so spent a lot of time masturbating. Oh Gus don't give me that look, you know full well that Justin and I, as well as pretty much every other male on the planet masturbates. One night I wasn’t as careful as usual and Dan walked into the showers and caught me in the act. Of course I was embarrassed to high heaven, I mean the man was older than my father and he catches me jerking off. I was mortified but he just made some comment about my size and basically made it clear that he was willing to help me out. I just couldn’t say a word, I mean he was older than my father and he makes a pass at me, though it was very discreet. I just quickly finished my shower and ran to my room red from head to toe. He never said anything explicit but it was always clear that whenever I was interested he would be available. A couple of weeks later I finally decided that I had to do more than just jack off, I still wasn’t willing to risk picking up someone on campus or in a bar, not that I ever had any luck getting into a bar until after I turned 21 and even then I always got carded, so late one night I knocked on his door. When I got in the room I looked at his artwork which didn’t impress me all that much but then I’ve never been much of an art aficionado, except for one blond artist.” “You can say that again, and thanks but you're biased.” “Justin try to be nice for a change.” “Yes dear.” “Justin Kinney-Taylor.” “Go on with your story Brian.” “Anyway we started talking, I was very nervous about having sex with such an old guy, what if he died in the middle, but he soon settled me down. He didn’t pressure me but pretty soon we were on his bed fucking like rabbits. Over the next four years we did much more than have sex but the sex was very intense, he was very experienced and was a very good teacher. While I topped probably 95% of the time he was the dominant one of the relationship.” “Topped, probably something I don’t want to know?” “Gus didn’t we ever give you a gay birds and bees talk?” “You didn‘t Uncle Justin but Dad might have mixed some gay stuff in with the straight stuff when he gave me the ‘talk‘. He hemmed and hawed so much that I didn‘t know what he was saying most of the time.” “If you didn’t know what I was talking about why didn’t you ask any questions?” “Dad you were so embarrassed just giving the talk I didn’t want you to have a stroke by asking questions. I just asked Aunty Em the next day.” “Emmett? What did Emmett know about straight sex?” “Probably as much as you did; but he did know a professor of Health and Human Sexuality at the University who explained everything and answered my questions without turning various shades of red.” “Brian why did you give Gus the birds and bees talk?” “It was just after that incident where Gus was afraid I would hate him because he liked girls. Mel and Linds thought it would be best for me to give him the talk. Like I knew anything about telling a 13 year old boy about straight sex. But when did I ever turn Lindsay down?” “About as often as you turn me or Michael down.” “That sounds about right, but if you two could ever quit interrupting me I might be able to finish this story. Dan and I talked about pretty much everything at one time or the other and visited museums and parks and just about everything in the area that was free or reasonably priced. We went on picnics and celebrated holidays and birthdays and just enjoyed each other’s company. Very soon I didn’t even notice how old he was or how unattractive he was. He was my Dan and that was all that mattered to me. A few weeks after we first had sex I finally got so homesick for Pittsburgh, actually I just missed Mikey, that I looked in the school paper for ads about trips to Pittsburgh. That is how I first met your Mom Gus, four of us from Pittsburgh split the costs of driving to the Pitts and back to State College for a weekend. Lindsay and I were in the back seat and became good friends on that trip; the rest was history as they say. I had a wonderful time that weekend with Mikey. We went clubbing and tricking, it was wonderful, at least I thought it was wonderful at the time, I know better now.” “Brian you will make me blush.” “Isn’t he a beautiful shade of red Gus?” “Dad!” “Go on with the story Brian.” “I became sure that I was in love with Dan. He was there for me when I needed him. We were happy when we were together. We did much more than just have sex though we did that as much as he wanted. But looking back I should have realized that we never spent the entire night together, I always went back to my room. He never had problems with me going home to Pittsburgh where he knew I tricked because he always asked me about my trip when I got back to State College and he always wanted every detail about the guys I fucked. It should have occurred to me that his wanting to know about my tricking, which in its way was cheating on him, was suspicious if he considered us a couple. I never considered it cheating because he encouraged me to fuck other guys. How could I have been so naïve? I was also sure that he loved me. I can’t ever remember him saying the words but I just knew from his actions that he loved me and that I was worth loving. Having grown up without thinking anyone loved me or that I was worth loving, notice that I’m leaving out my complicated relationship with Mikey since I never really equated that relationship with romantic love, I wanted to be loved and to love so much that I missed the signs that he really was sending me amid the signs I was picking up. Over the almost 4 years we were a couple, and I really thought of us as a couple, we probably had sex an average of 3 times a week. Until you came along Sunshine I probably never had sex with anyone else more than 3 different times total. So I did realize how important and different you were to me after the 5th time we fucked even if I didn’t admit it to myself for many months.” “Dad!” “Sonnyboy I never knew you were such a prude.” “Well it's hard to listen to such things about the two most important men in my life. it's hard enough to picture you making love, whatever that is, let alone thinking about you fucking.” “Well Sonnyboy you should know the difference from your relationship with Katherine.” “Dad, I don’t want to go there, ever.” “Justin have you ever seen anyone get so red so fast?” “I don’t know, Brian you got awful red once when listening to Gussy sing a song over the phone.” “Justin don’t go there.” “Something else I did that I don’t remember, right? Just tell me the song so we can get on with the story.” “Daddy and Justee play horsie…” “Justin if you ever want to get fucked again you will stop this instant.” “Brian it isn’t that bad.” “No, No a thousand times No.” “I’ll tell you when he goes to bed Gussy. On with the story Brian.” “Don’t think I didn’t hear that even if you theatrically whispered it Sunshine.” “As if I would whisper it in front of you if I really intended to tell him.” “OK, well time marched on and I finally graduated from Penn State with a degree in Marketing and Communications. It was interesting that the only people there for me were Deb, Vic, Mikey, and Lindsay. I should have wondered why Dan didn’t come but I didn’t, love makes you stupid sometimes. The 5 of us went out on the town to celebrate my graduation and I got in very late, Dan’s window was dark so I didn’t bother him. That night as I tried to go to sleep I worried about what I was going to do with my new degree. I really wanted to move back to Pittsburgh, I'd been offered an introductory job by Ryder amongst other offers from various Pennsylvania advertising firms but I didn’t know whether Dan would be willing to move to the Pitts. I assumed that we would be together and if he wouldn’t move to Pittsburgh then I would take the offer from the small firm in Altoona. I was reasonably sure that he would agree to move to Pittsburgh since he could easily get a job at one of the Universities here and continue to paint but I was willing to do whatever he wanted. That is what couples do, they make each other happy. The next night he came to my room, which I couldn’t ever remember him doing before. “Dan I need to know what we are going to do so that I can decide which job offer to take.” “What do you mean Brian?” “Well are we going to move to Pittsburgh or stay here in State College?’ “What?” “What do you mean what? I‘ve got my degree I've job offers from ad agencies all over Pennsylvania, Ohio, Maryland, and even West Virginia. I have to decide which one to accept. I figured we would move to Pittsburgh and I'd take the Ryder offer, but if you don‘t want to leave State College then I'll take the Altoona offer and commute.” “Brian you take whatever job you want it doesn’t matter what I want.” “Yes it does I want you to be happy wherever we live.” “Brian we aren’t going to be living together, you can take whatever job you want to take and I’ll stay here like I have for the last 30 years. We aren’t a couple, queers don’t live as couples. What ever made you think we were going to be a couple? I just came for my last fuck from the best student I’ve been with in the last 30 years.” “What do you mean we aren’t a couple, what has the last 4 years meant? I thought that you loved me; I know that I love you. I thought we would be together forever.” “I’m sorry Brian if I led you to believe that but I never said I loved you. You were a convenient lay and very good company. I’ve been very happy with what we've had but we were never a couple, we were just friends and fuck buddies, which is all it was ever supposed to be. How did you ever think it was more and why didn’t you say something earlier? I’ve slept with pretty much every gay college student assigned to this rooming house for the last 30 years and I'll sleep with most that are assigned here in the years to come. I'll admit that you have been the best of the lot. You were a great student of the amorous arts but we were never a romantic couple no matter what you think. Come on give me one last Kinney fuck before you move to Pittsburgh.” “Get the fuck out of this room you old pervert, how did I ever think you loved me. I was just a convenient fuck. How could you treat me like that? Never again. I can’t be loved and I’m never going to risk the pain of loving again. Thank you very much for pointing out that I’m unlovable, I knew it all of my life why did I forget just because some old fucking faggot took me on picnics and celebrated my birthday. Love is shit, romance is crap and I’m never going to love anyone again. It isn’t worth the fucking pain it brings. Get the fuck out of this room. I don’t ever want to see you or think of you again.” “Brian I’m sorry that I hurt you but I never led you on. I had a great time with you the last 4 years but I’m not interested in relationships and if you're wise you'll heed what you just told me and stay away from them yourself. Relationships are bullshit for gay men; you're only responsible for yourself and your own pleasure. Take pleasure where you can get it. But don’t fall into that straight nonsense about true love. If I’ve done nothing else for you I hope that you've learned how stupid love is for queers. You can’t be open about loving another man in this society so why bother.” “Get the fuck out.” “God Brian. No wonder you fought loving me for so long. How could he not know how you felt? How could he hurt you so much?” “I wish I knew Sunshine. I returned to Pittsburgh, took the job with Ryder and started winning my place as the King of Liberty Avenue. Five or six years later I got a package from a law firm in State College. Dan had painted a nude self-portrait and had willed it to me when he died. I seriously thought about burning the ugly thing but I decided to hang it as a reminder to the futility of love. Of course I never told the real story behind that painting until one night long ago when I used it as the basis for a bedtime story. As Gus pointed out that night it was the only picture that I brought from the Loft to the house when we moved, that isn’t true I brought all of your artwork that I had but since I didn’t have any of them on the walls of the Loft Gus didn’t know about them. Dan hurt me but he also made me realize that I should live my life for the greatest pleasure possible and not worry about the other guy, he could worry about himself. I was reasonably happy during the years, up until that fateful meeting under a lamppost, but it was an empty type of happy. Maybe that was why you had such an effect on me that first night. Hell I probably knew there was something special when I first saw you under that lamppost. Why else would I ask you, instead of Mikey, what name to give my newborn son? My asking you, probably, was why Mikey resented you so much, even before it became obvious to all of gay Pittsburgh that you were part of my life. As much as I pushed you away you kept coming back. You kept showing me what love truly was even if I was too blind to see it and too stubborn to admit what I felt for you in return. You took all the crap I slung at you. You took the shit your father gave you because you loved me. You always tried to make me a better person and what did I do but throw you out of the loft when you made a mistake. Then when I found you in New York your only concern was to make me feel better.” “I have to admit Brian that whole run away to New York was a calculated gamble.” “What do you mean Justin?” “I was gambling that you'd come after me instead of having the cops find and arrest me. Didn’t you ever wonder why Daphne hunted you up and told you what I'd done? I didn‘t win the trifecta, you wouldn‘t let me live with you at the Loft, but I didn‘t lose completely since you fixed it with Deb so I could live with her and Vic. Living there I was still in your world. If I'd been forced back with my folks then I probably would've never seen you again. My Dad would've done everything he could to prevent me from seeing you and you wouldn‘t have tried to see me. So I‘ve always been glad I made that gamble.” “You scamp!” “Guilty as charged.” “Well I kept fighting you though not quite so fiercely. Then you got me and Mikey back together after I pushed him out of my life so that he would go with David.” “Well I had to, you were so miserable without Michael in your life. I loved you and I wanted you to be happy.” “I know that I wasn’t myself, I was nice to Theodore and I actually invited you over to the Loft.” “Your confused state led to my first time topping you though.” “You were a natural and then didn’t take advantage just gave me ice cream kisses. After that night I was much closer to admitting to myself that I loved you but I still couldn’t do it. Looking back everyone with eyes knew how we felt about each other even though I denied it to anyone who said anything. It took an act of extreme stupidity on my part before I was capable of admitting to myself that I truly loved you and that you really did love me.” “What stupid act, there've been so many?” “I’ve never told anyone this story before and I’m sure that Mikey hasn’t either so you both have to agree to never tell anyone and Gus this can’t be in your case study.” “Sure Dad.” “Do you remember Emmett’s going away party for Mikey and David, Justin?” “Sure, but you never showed up.” “That was because I was at the Loft celebrating my 30th birthday by having the most intense orgasm of my life. I'd purchased a silk scarf and I was hanging from a rafter jacking off when Mikey came in and untied me. While he was chewing me out for being so stupid and I was trying to justify my stupidity he stumbled onto just the right words to open my eyes and make me realize that I could be loved and that I could love you without the universe collasping onto itself.” “Well what did he say? Wait a minute; what do you mean you were hanging from a rafter? Brian Kinney were you trying to kill yourself? What the god damn fuck would cause you to do something that stupid?” “To answer your questions in order Sunshine. That no matter how old I was I would always be young and beautiful because I was Brian Kinney for fucks sake. I just knew right then and there that you did love me and that I loved you. I decided, while Mikey was still hugging me, that I would tell you and the world that Brian Shawn Kinney loves Justin Craig Taylor by coming to your Prom and dancing with you for all of the bigots of the St James Academy to see. I had gotten the scarf tied to one of the rafters in the Loft, was standing on a chair and was jacking off. It was known as scarfing and supposedly the scarf would tear free before you actually choked to death if you fell off of the chair. The reduced oxygen was supposed to make the orgasm extra special. And then there was the uncertainty about whether it really would tear free or hang you. As for why, I was especially messed up that week. The Death Day party idea wasn’t the best one my friends ever came up with. The job offer in New York had fallen through, that was the first time that my goals for my work life hadn’t come through with flying colors. Mikey was leaving me for another man. Even though we were never a couple I always relied on his being there for me. Even though I'd told him to go it still hit me like a ton of bricks when he told David that he would move to Portland. Then you asked me to your Prom. I should've said yes Justin, but this demon we're discussing tonight wouldn’t let me. When I want a good laugh I think about your reply to my question about what would I do in a room full of fucking 18-years olds. Going to that Prom would be admitting that I loved you and on that Wednesday I still couldn’t admit that to myself let alone the world. But you asking me such a question put more pressure on me than I really wanted to deal with. Then Lindsay went on about how cute it was and how she wanted to live her life. I told her I didn’t want to do anything like she did but I was lying, I did want to grow old with you, but it scared me. Gus I do want to have grandchildren so you and Katherine can’t wait too long. Without Mikey coming to the Loft and getting me down who knows if I would've ever admitted to myself how much I loved you Justin. But then maybe the bashing wouldn’t have happened if I'd stayed home.” “Hobbs had been harassing me ever since I jacked him off, if he hadn’t bashed me that night he would've done something later, you weren’t the cause of the bashing Brian.” “While my brain might know that Sunshine my heart has problems believing it at times." "What was the answer to the question, Uncle Justin?" "That I thought he enjoyed fucking 18-year olds." "That's funny in a weird sort of way considering the two of you are my Dads." "Anyway on with the story. I fixed the Loft up for our after Prom festivities, called the DJ and made arrangements for a certain song to be played when the two of us started to dance. Then I got ready and went to the Prom. When I first got there I almost turned around and left, I was suddenly afraid that I was making a huge mistake but then I saw Justin and I knew that I was doing the right thing. I walked over to Justin and Daphne. We made small talk then I took Justin onto the dance floor, the crowd just moved out of our way. The DJ changed the music to the Last Dance and we just started dancing. It was the most romantic time of my life; we ended it with a wonderful kiss. We then left the ballroom where we made plans for after Justin had taken Daphne home. We returned to the ballroom to get my jacket, which Justin had taken off while we were dancing and threw to Daphne. Then Justin insisted on walking me to the Jeep. We goofed around, singing and dancing and talking. We kissed and Justin left to go back to Daphne, I just sat in the Jeep looking at him, in the side mirror, wondering at my luck in having such a wonderful guy in my life who I loved and, miracles of miracles, loved me. Then I saw someone walking behind Justin with a bat, I tried but I couldn’t get there in time and the bastard swung and hit Sunshine in the head. I grabbed the bat and hit him so that he couldn’t get away; I then went over to Justin where he was lying on the cold cement bleeding his life away. I took the scarf and tried to stop the bleeding. I called 911 and then Mikey. I'd forgotten that he was supposed to have gone to Portland but he hadn’t gotten on the plane yet and so was able to come to the hospital. I still don’t remember what I said to him. I rode in the ambulance to the hospital but they wouldn’t let me into the treatment area since I wasn’t family. That hospital had to have been the most follow the rules no matter what place I’ve ever had to deal with. I just sat down on the nearest chair and then I just faded away. I was aware of the people around me but I couldn’t make my body work. I couldn’t talk and I couldn’t move. But I could remember and over the next several days I must've remembered every second that Justin and I had spent together since the night we met. Mikey and Emmett took me to the bathroom a couple of times and tried to get me to eat but I couldn‘t make my jaws work to chew the food, the water ran down my throat on its own or I wouldn‘t have been able to drink either. Then when the Doctor told Jennifer that Justin had gone into a coma my body answered my brain and became useable again. I told Mikey to get the fuck out of Pittsburgh and go to Portland to be with David then I walked out of the hospital. The Universe had smacked me upside of the head again. I admit my love and some bastard tries to take my love away from me. I couldn’t stay in the hospital because I couldn’t stand to have everyone, especially Justin when he woke up, look at me and see how much to blame I was for Justin’s bashing. I intended to never come back, since Justin would be so much better off without me in his life. Of course I also thought that I deserved the pain I would suffer by not having him in my life. But that Sunday night I knew that I didn’t have the strength to follow through on my intentions. Every night while Justin was in the hospital I was there for hours watching him sleep. I was too afraid to come when he was awake but I just couldn’t stay away completely. I had fallen into my old habit of excessive drugs and tricking though I got no pleasure from any of it. As bad as I got I would have gone completely to hell if I hadn’t gone to the hospital every night, those hours watching Justin sleep kept me sane. While I could stay out of his life I couldn’t bear to not have him in my life at least that much. I was so fucked up that I wore the bloody scarf under my clothes every day. Why the police didn't demand to have it as evidence I never thought about at the time. I guess they just didn't need it since the DA went into plea bargain mode almost from day one. I'm not bitter about that I'm not bitter about that, if I say it often enough then it has to be true. I wanted to believe that I couldn’t be loved but I knew better. I wanted to believe that I couldn’t love but I knew better. I knew that blond twink loved me and I knew I loved that blond twink, but it was best for the blond twink if he thought I had abandoned him simply because some homophobic bastard had hit him in the head with a baseball bat.” “Brian I knew that you suffered during the time I was in the hospital but I never imagined that it was that bad. Why haven’t you said anything before now? “I never had the courage when it might have mattered and then it became moot so why bring it up. Then Justin got out of the Hospital and found Mikey and me at Woody’s, I can’t ever remember sobering up so fast. We went back to the Loft and Justin figured out almost immediately what my problem was, and he told me that it wasn’t my fault. I knew better but I started falling for him again. I had convinced myself during those weeks Justin was in the hospital that I didn’t really love him just cared for him. Then Jennifer convinced me that I had to stay out of Justin’s life for his own good. That hurt so much but I had no problem buying her logic. Loving me was a dangerous thing, what a lousy excuse for abandoning the man I loved when he needed me the most. Of course the two of us should have known that Justin wouldn’t go along with our plan. So before I knew it Justin was living in the Loft and I was trying to get him back to the way he was before the Prom. We had some success and he got over most of his physical and emotional problems from the bashing. I was in love but I was still afraid to admit it since I was afraid that the universe would strike again. Then I messed up again, because I couldn’t tell him what I felt and tried to believe that just showing it with my actions was enough, and Justin went back to Deb's house. Deb then made me admit my love for Justin but I still didn’t actually use the words. To use the words would be to tempt the fates again and I was much too chicken shit afraid to do that again.” “Another confession Brian. I went to Deb’s that time because I knew she would try to get us back together, my mother certainly wouldn‘t have tried if I had gone back there.” “I should've known, you always have been the devious one in the relationship. Anyway I told Justin that I loved him and wanted to be a couple without actually using the forbidden words. Then Justin surprised the hell out of me by making his own demands.” “Then I was the one to break all of the rules.” “You were pushed, don’t blame yourself. I still worried that Justin would wise up and leave me. He went to a party that Daphne gave one night, about the last thing I told Justin before he left was to fuck a fraternity boy for me, of course I just ignored the look of dismay he gave me when I said it. Then the next day when I guessed that he kissed a guy, which was against the rules, I freaked on the inside while on the outside I acted like nothing much had happened. As if Justin Taylor could take some kid’s virginity and not kiss him, it meant nothing but I let him run off to the shower thinking that he had done something horribly wrong. Somewhere along the line I got the idea that if he left because I pushed him away that would be less painful than if he left because he decided he didn‘t love me anymore. So I started making him do things that I knew he didn‘t really want to do by making him think that was his only way to keep me. It was horrible the way I played Justin’s emotions. I knew he loved me but I was so afraid that he would stop loving me that I did everything I could to make him stop, but on my terms. I should have explained why I had to go to Chicago instead of just listing everything that cost me because you were in my life, I never begrudged a cent I spent on or for you. I should have called you or gone to Vermont after I got home. I should have celebrated your birthday and gotten you a present that meant something. I should have bought that damn bouquet. I did none of those things but did even more hurtful ones Was that stupid or what? Did I ever ask for your forgiveness for how badly I treated you during those months, Justin?” “I never needed that Brian. I always knew you loved me, just like I always loved you. I just lost my way for a while. I just got so tired of interpreting Brian speak into human that I totally forgot that I had to interpret in order to know what was going on. So I took what you were doing at face value instead of what you really were doing. I should've known better, that would've saved both of us a lot of pain. I was so miserable, especially after Ethan had to leave on his concert tour, and I know you were miserable as well. Of course neither of us was willing to bend enough to make the situation better. Until a little blond angel pushed us back together.” “The story again?” “Yes Gus, your first plan.” “But that virgin didn‘t have a Daphne in his life Brian.” “What does that mean?” “If he'd had a Daphne in his life pushing him like Daphne pushed me then Gus would have an Uncle Eric. It was Daphne‘s idea that I try to make you jealous when I stole your tricks away that night at Babylon; I never understood why they chose me over you though. Even after we got into Babylon I wanted to go home after only a few minutes but Daphne made me stay and the rest as they say is history. Her plan worked though so I ended up very happy that night, in your bed again after everyone told me that Brian Kinney never did a trick twice. Anyway Eric didn‘t have a ‘Daphne’ to push him after me. The day after the party he hunted me up at the Diner, told me he loved me. I gave him a version of the speech you gave me the night after we met but I was much more nasty than you were to me. That was one of the lowest points in my life, but I couldn‘t risk losing you by letting him chase after me. I did hunt him up a week or so later and explained things to him about my relationship with you and the rules in order to make myself feel better about the situation. While we were never really friends we did remain acquaintances until he moved away from Pittsburgh when he graduated a few years later.” “Well I’m glad you were able to make yourself feel better. You mean I have Daphne to blame for 20 plus years of happiness?” “I’ll tell her you said that the next time we talk. But I suppose you'd better get back to the story before you forget it, old man.” "I finally made Justin choose between Ethan and me. Though I had made sure that Ethan was worthy of Justin’s love. As much as I loved Justin I couldn’t admit it to him or anyone else. I could never forget what had happened to him the last time I declared my love. I knew that he would choose Ethan but I held out hope that he wouldn’t but when he did my heart just collapsed into itself. I was totally miserable without Sunshine in my life but you were the only one that I could tell it to. Gus, I could tell you since you were only 2 years old and didn’t really know what I was saying. You decided that you wanted us back together and set about making us see that we were meant to be a couple. So one day when Justin had taken you on a picnic at the park and I decided I wanted to see you; the three of us were together for the first time in months you decided if we were close enough to each other we would have to talk and would realize what we'd thrown away through our stupid pride. So you maneuvered both of us into the sandbox and then threw yourself down between us. When we reached to get you we bumped into each other and before we knew it we were kissing and hugging and you were watching us with as big a smile that would fit on your face. We've been together ever since. While the demon tries to cause problems once in a while the love I have gotten from Justin and from you has been enough to beat it back into submission. As I said earlier I can’t imagine my life without the two of you in it and I'm eternally grateful that Justin chased me and never gave up no matter the shit I threw at him. I'm eternally grateful that a two year old knew how to get me back with the love of my life.” “Dad I'll always love you and want what's best for you. Uncle Justin has always been what's best for you, even a two year old would've known that.” “Will you be able to use this for your assignment Gus?” “Sure Dad though it'll be somewhat harder to figure out what was going on though. Uncle Justin have you thought of anything yet?” “No Gus, I haven’t figured anything out yet. I just didn’t have the demon ridden life that your Dad lived.” “Well Sunshine you keep thinking about it I’m sure you'll think of something; you aren’t perfect except in bed.” “I’m not, why have you waited so long to tell me that Brian.” “Justin Craig Kinney-Taylor, have I told you lately that I love you.” “Not since the last time you looked into my eyes.” “Do I need to leave the room so you two can be alone?” “Gus!” “You would never kiss in front of me so I doubt that you will make out with me in the room.” “I was going to sing your song Gussy but now I don’t know.” “I’m sorry Dad, I was just going with the flow, and I didn’t mean anything.” “Gus when are you going to learn?” “Again, I guess I am too gullible for my own good. Just tell me the song or quit bringing it up.” “Daddy and Justee play horsie Daddy and Justee play horsie And Daddy was the horsie And Daddy was the horsie” “Oh my God I didn’t.” “You did.”