Lois and Carolyn, thanks for the beta...you’re the greatest!
Author’s Comments: I unknowingly posed this chapter a few days ago during site maintenance, and I noticed that it disappeared so I’m reposting this chapter now. If you commented before and you noticed that your comments disappeared too…feel free to comment again. (smile)
This chapter was written as a present to Shadownyc. It's a sidebar...but I hope that everyone will like it. Let me also take a moment to wish everyone A Happy New Year!
Chapter 63 – Locked In A Dream (Sidebar)
Saturday Evening…(Day 48)
Lindsay and Michael
Carl and Debbie and Emmett had gone out. Melanie had gone over to visit with Ted and Blake. Lindsay had elected to stay home and spend some time with Jenny while trying to make all the pieces of her life fit together after the afternoon she’d spent at the mansion.
She was still trying to sort out her own life, when a very troubled Michael descended on her doorstep, looking for a shoulder to cry on.
“Hi Michael. You look like you just lost your best friend. What’s wrong?” Lindsay patiently asked.
“I’m sure by now that you’ve heard about Brian and Justin.” Michael suggested.
“Yeah, I spent the afternoon with them,” Lindsay said joyously. “I had lunch and dinner at the mansion. I even got to watch Gus and Brian during their horseback riding lesson.”
“How did that go?”
“You should see Brian on horseback, and Gus had a ball,” Lindsay couldn’t wait to relay. “It’s funny both Brian and Gus kept looking for Justin. Once they could each find him, they both seemed to be fine. I’ve never seen Brian that trusting…I’ve never seen Gus that independent. I think Justin is a good influence on both of them,” she added with a laugh. “But I heard that you didn’t take the news about Brian and Justin very well.”
“I don’t want to be alone, Linds,” Michael said mournfully.
“What are you talking about? Why should you be alone? You have Ben and Hunter and Jenny and the family. How could you ever be alone?”
“Ben and Hunter are positive. I love them both very much, but I know neither of them will live forever,” Michael explained. “I always thought that by the time Ben was gone that Brian would be ready to settle down with me…I always thought that he and I would grow old together.”
Lindsay felt ashamed, for she realized that she and Michael had shared the same dream.
Knowing this, she felt that she was the one person that could make Michael understand. So she gave it her best shot.
“And you will. You and Brian are best friends. He still loves you, Michael. Nothing has changed. He’s just never going to be in love with you…just as he is never going to be in love with me,” Lindsay said with quiet acceptance.
Michael obviously wasn’t listening to a word that she said, for he continued with his own personal train of thought.
“Brian even told me today that he was never going to love another person the way he loves Justin. That Justin is it for him. That’s why Brian could take this step with Justin with no apologies and no regrets,” Michael explained sadly.
“Don’t feel bad, Michael, I lost him too,” Lindsay admitted.
“How do you mean?” Michael asked, finally listening to what Lindsay was saying.
“I, too, thought that he wouldn’t form any other serious relationships in his life. I thought that he would always be mine. I figured that because of Gus, we would always be bonded. Brian and Gus are bonded. Gus has even bonded with Justin. Brian is in Love with Justin. You and me…he still loves us for the history we all share. But he’s truly in love with Justin, and that’s totally different from what he feels for either you or me,” Lindsay calmly explained.
“It is?”
“Yes. I spent the day with Brian today. I watched him as he dealt with his friends, with Gus, and with Justin. Trust me, Brian has changed. I guess that’s what we have to understand. And we need to change how we deal with him, or he will truly leave us behind this time,” Lindsay warned.
“I liked the old Brian…the one that has always been there for me ever since we were14. I want the Brian back that has always taken care of me.”
“You can’t expect him to do that anymore, Michael. He finally has a chance for a life of his own. He has a chance for real happiness with Justin. So I think that you can forget about him taking care of you. That’s Ben’s job now. Brian’s not going to do that anymore…anymore than I can expect him to take care of me,” Lindsay said quietly, for she too was still longing for a different time.
“Was that why you chose him to be Gus’ father? Because you knew he would always take care of you?” Michael now started to inquire.
“I never thought what he had with Justin would last…that it was as real as it turned out to be. I thought that last year when Brian was going to get married that it was a reaction to your getting hurt and the bombing at Babylon. Then when they didn’t get married, that just proved my point. It looked like Justin had placed his career ahead of the relationship. So it was good that Justin was on his way to New York, and Brian would be free,” Lindsay admitted. “I never in a million years expected their relationship to survive the separation. As it turned out, we were all wrong.”
“I knew that little blond twink was trouble from the moment that Brian laid eyes on him. He wasn’t like the others,” Michael said in protest.
“And yet, in spite of what we may feel about Brian and Justin being together…we both dearly love Justin…let’s face it…you can go on and admit it,” Lindsay said with a laugh.
Michael had nothing to say to this suggestion about their mutual fondness for Justin. He had too much else on his mind to ponder that particular question. Michael quickly brought the conversation back to the issue at hand.
“Ben and I just had a long talk,” Michael revealed sadly. “I think Ben knows I love him, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t make him understand about growing old with Brian. I’ve dreamed about this since I was 14.”
“You’ll still get to grow old with Brian and Justin. They’re not going anywhere. Brian will still always be a part of both our lives.”
“It’s not the same.”
“It’s time to move on, Michael. Surely, you do know that.” Lindsay persisted. “It was a childhood fantasy. But now you’re a grown man with a family of your own. Don’t you think it’s time to let the fantasy go?”
“I know. For a while there, I was hoping that Ben and I would move to Toronto so I could spend more time with JR. But Ben has his reasons for wanting to stay here. Then I was hoping that you and Melanie would move back to Pittsburgh. Then things would be like they once were. You know the family would help you out until you were back on your feet. And I could spend lots of time with my daughter,” Michael relayed with a sense of pleading in his voice.
Lindsay knew that she had to shut down this hope as quickly as possible.
“You know that Melanie and I aren’t going to move back to Pittsburgh, don’t you Michael?” Lindsay asked almost in a whisper. “But you can come and see Jenny Rebecca wherever we happen to be, but you know that we will probably never return back here to live anytime soon.”
“I know,” Michael said with a sigh. He was finally had to accept the loss of another dream.
“You know I think that you and I both latched onto Brian because he’s so strong. You had a missing dad. I had parents who paid no attention to me because I’m gay. Brian took care of both of us. But now it’s time for us to grow up and take care of ourselves. Brian says that Justin takes care of him, and that was all we needed to know,” Lindsay relayed.
“That’s because Justin is the only one who can figure out the ever-changing Kinney operating manual,” Michael said with a laugh. “But, I’m still going to keep an eye on Justin just to make sure that he doesn’t hurt Brian,” he added stubbornly.
“Michael, sure you can keep an eye on him, but there’s something that you need to know. It wouldn’t matter if Justin hurts Brian…Brian’s going to always forgive him. And it doesn’t matter if Justin leaves…for Brian will always go after him. Justin has Brian’s heart. It’s as simple as that,” Lindsay said with renewed awareness.
“And now Justin also has all his money too. Do you think Justin will really be a successful painter?” Michael had to wonder aloud.
“He already is,” Lindsay had to admit. “You should see his most recent paintings. They are wonderful. He even gave one to Gus. Gus had it mounted over the fireplace at the mansion. It was of a painting of Gus and Brian riding horses together. Michael, it was a masterpiece!”
“You’re kidding?” Michael said in complete disbelief.
“I’ve never been more serious. Justin’s definitely going to be world famous, and he gets to do that with Brian by his side, just as he’s always wanted,” Lindsay finally whispered. “And Brian doesn’t want to be anywhere else. He’s happy, Michael.”
“Wow!” was all that Michael could say. Michael flopped down in the nearest chair to ponder all that Lindsay had said.
“I’m going to go upstairs and get a shower. Then, I have so much to do to because I have to start mending my relationship with Melanie before it’s too late,” Lindsay admitted.
“I know, and I have to find a way to make things right with Ben.”
“Michael, believe me, if you could have seen the house you would know what I’m saying is true. Once you see the house you will understand everything. The house is big and sprawling and magnificent on the outside, but once you get inside, it’s warm and cozy. And I’m willing to bet that unless Justin is in his studio, or Brian is in his study, the two of them are rarely far enough apart to have to talk to each other on their cell phones. They really do love each other, Michael. You can really feel it when you’re in their house. The house is so different from the loft. The mansion makes the loft seem almost cold and lonely by comparison,” Lindsay continued to ramble wistfully, remembering all that she had experienced today.
“But we’ve always said that the loft was so Brian,” Michael reminded her.
“I told you that Brian has changed,” Lindsay reiterated. “Now you’ll see what I mean.”
“So the mansion is special, huh?” Michael had to ask, trying to contain his curiosity.
“Oh Yeah!” Lindsay said joyfully. She wanted to make sure that she made her point with Michael.
“How come I’ve never been invited there? After all, Brian and Justin have been living there for over a month.”
“Brian and Justin have been really traveling a lot. There probably hasn’t been time. Plus I’m sure that Brian would be perfectly content if he and Justin never had visitors at the mansion. Remember Justin is trying to get ready for several shows. You know how protective Brian is where Justin is concerned. And you have to remember that Brian bought the house as a gift for Justin. And Justin is the one that you have to get to invite you out to the mansion,” Lindsay was quick to point out.
“How do I do that?” Michael asked, always needing to be led in the simplest of tasks.
“Justin is very protective where Brian is concerned. Maybe once you and Brian make up, Justin will extend the invitation. But until you and Brian settle things, I wouldn’t expect too much from Justin,” Lindsay warned him.
“How am I supposed to do make up with Brian?” Michael asked.
“You’ll have to find a way,” Lindsay suggested. “Once you finally accept that Brian has changed, it shouldn’t be too hard for you. After all, you and Brian have been best friends for almost a lifetime. You always said you know him better than anyone,” Lindsay reminded him of his own words.
“Maybe,” Michael said. “I guess I’m just going to have to give it some time.”
“I wouldn’t wait too long if I were you,” Lindsay cautioned him. “If you wait too long, Brian might move on with his life without you. You might want to consider that.”
“I understand, but Brian will come around. He has always forgiven me…ever since were 14.”
Lindsay, at that point threw up her hands in frustration. She knew at that moment that Michael just didn’t understand what she was trying to say. She hoped that he would eventually come to term with things because Brian was clearly moving on…she could see it.
“The old Brian might have forgiven you, but remember that I told you that Brian has changed. So you can’t simply sit back and rely on Brian’s forgiveness this time. This time you’re going to have to take action to fix this mess. If you don’t you could lose everything including Ben…including Brian,” Lindsay slowly cautioned. “If you don fix this mess…you could experience your worse fear…you could be all alone,” she added for good measure.
Michael had finally heard enough. His mind couldn’t handle anymore dire predictions. Michael tried to process all that Lindsay had said. Michael wanted more than anything, at this moment, to have happy thoughts. So he abruptly changed the subject.
“Where’s my little Honeybunch?” he asked, obviously deciding that the discussion was over. He was now looking around for his daughter.
“I just put her down in her crib, but she isn’t asleep,” Lindsay said with a smile, “She is never ready to go to sleep. Why don’t you go up and tuck her in?”
“I’m going to do that,” Michael said with a smile, as his mind was trying to process so many things.
Michael went upstairs to spend a few minutes with Jenny Rebecca.
As he looked at his daughter, her realized that her life was so simple. Michael realized that his life was suddenly very complicated…all because Brian and Justin chose to legalize their relationship.
Michael played with his daughter and then tucked her safely into bed for the night. He gave JR a goodnight kiss.
Now Michael knew it as time to go home and find a way to straighten things out with Ben.