Lois and Carolyn, thanks for the beta...you’re the greatest!
Chapter 62 – A Moment In Time (Sidebar) Early Saturday Evening…(Day 48)
Ben and Michael
Ben had spent a great deal of time in meditation today, trying to understand his partner. Brian had told Michael that he and Justin had legalized their relationship. It was legal, it was binding, and as far as Brian and Justin were concerned, it was forever. They had risked everything on that premise. Ben was thrilled about the news, for he had watched Brian and Justin struggle over the last five years to make their relationship work. Ben smiled to himself as he remembered the special moment…Brian standing in his living room sometime during the Stockwell campaign. At the time, Ben and Michael were so caught up in the fact that Hunter had fucked a murderer to get evidence that key elements of the conversation were overlooked until much later. Then, in a quiet moment of meditation, Ben heard the words replayed oh so clearly. Beginning of Flashback. “I was trying to help,” Hunter protested. “You were trying to impress Brian,” Michael argued in response to Hunter’s behavior. “Yeah, well, he wouldn’t be the first one,” Brian quipped. “Well, he already has a boyfriend,” Michael said hoping to discourage Hunter in his pursuit of Brian. Admittedly, Hunter was surprised by this turn of events. “You do?” Hunter asked for confirmation directly from Brian. “In a non-defined, non-conventional way,” Brian admitted casually, “Yeah.” End of Flashback. ‘Yes, Brian Kinney was in a relationship with Justin Taylor. Of course, Brian seemed to be the last to know.’ Ben couldn’t help smiling, as he remembered that long-ago moment. ‘Now Brian has gone further than any of them to bind himself to Justin,’ Ben thought as he replayed the legislative history of the legalized domestic partnership in his mind. ‘This was irrevocable…this was done.’ Now Ben needed to understand why this particular change in Brian’s status would upset Michael so much. After all, this was something that everyone had been expecting for a long time. What was it that prevented Michael from simply saying ‘Congratulations and Best Wishes’ to his best friend? Why couldn’t Michael have kept his beliefs and opinions to himself? Why couldn’t Michael see that what’s done, is done? Whenever Ben searched for answers, he kept coming up empty. Nothing made any sense. Ben knew he’d have to wait until Michael came home to discuss this with him. Ben didn’t have long to wait. A few minutes later, Michael walked into the house, after closing the comic book store. “Hi, Ben,” Michael said quietly. “Hello, Michael,” Ben responded with a flat tone to his voice. “Where’s JR?” Michael asked, looking around for his daughter. “I dropped her back at Debbie’s,” Ben explained. “Oh, why did you do that? I was looking forward to spending time with my little Honeybunch,” Michael proclaimed, apparently oblivious to everything going on around him. “You can spend time with her later,” Ben strongly suggested. “I think we need to talk.” “What about?” Michael innocently asked. “What’s with you and Brian?” Ben pointedly asked. “Why aren’t you happy for your best friend?” “I don’t want to talk about it,” Michael tried to say. “Oh, we’re going to talk about it,” Ben insisted sternly. “Because I need to understand what’s going on with you!” “Look, Justin is always hurting Brian,” Michael reluctantly agreed to explain. “Every time you turn around Justin is always leaving. But I guess if Brian wants Justin for a ‘fuck buddy’, I don’t have any problem with that. But to legalize the relationship is a mistake, and I told Brian that,” he said proudly. “Michael, Brian didn’t come to you to ASK for your permission to legally commit to Justin forever. He came to you and TOLD you that he HAD already made the commitment,” Ben explained. “Brian made a mistake. Now he can unmake the commitment,” Michael said point blank. “Brian can’t do that. Why would he? Brian is right where he wants to be. You know better than anyone…Brian Kinney doesn’t do anything that he doesn’t want to do. You have said that yourself for years. So why does this bother you so?” Ben continued to ask. “Brian made a mistake. He didn’t mean to do this to me,” Michael responded. “To you? What does this have to do with you?” Ben asked, becoming even more confused as the conversation progressed. “You’ve seen Brian and Justin as a couple for a long time now. So I ask you, what does this have to do with you?” he demanded to know. “Brian’s always told me that he has always loved me and that he always would,” Michael began. “And I know that you love him too. You two have been like brothers since you were 14. I know all about that,” Ben pointed out. “And Brian promised me that when his tricking days were over we would be two old queens living in Palm Springs,” Michael continued. “How old were you when Brian made this promise?” Ben calmly asked. “Fourteen or fifteen,” Michael answered. “Michael, surely you see that both your lives have changed in the 20 years that have passed since that childhood promise was made. You and Brian are still best friends. But Brian is IN LOVE with Justin, and I thought that you were IN LOVE with ME,” Ben continued. “Of course, I’m IN LOVE with you. This has nothing to do with you,” Michael said emphatically. “You and I have a wonderful life together,” he added. “Then I don’t understand,” Ben said simply, “Have you finally reached a point that you want to be with Brian instead of me? Is that what this is all about?” “No, why would you even think such a thing! I’m in love with you. We’re married. My place is with you, and here is where I want to be.” “Then what?” “You’ve always said that even though we loved other people, that didn’t mean that we couldn’t love each other,” Michael pointed out. “I did say that,” Ben said with a nod, “But Michael even so, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to sit around and play second fiddle to your feelings for Brian. I have too much respect for myself to let that happen. So if you want to be with Brian, I will step aside, and you and Brian can try to make things work,” Ben said clearly. “No! You don’t understand!” Michael protested. “What don’t I understand, Michael?” Ben patiently asked. “I need you to listen to me,” Michael insisted. “I’m listening, Michael.” “I know that even though you’re positive, I know with all the advances in medicine and the way that you take care of yourself, you’re going to be here for a long time,” Michael said hopefully. “That’s what I was planning on,” Ben reiterated firmly. “But even with the best planning, the disease could progress, and you could die from this just like Vic did,” Michael continued. “And when you do, then I’m going to be all alone,” he added. “Michael, you have Hunter and JR and family and friends, who love you and who will support you and be there for you…if anything should ever happen to me,” Ben pointed out. “You and I wouldn’t be together unless I was sure that was the case,” he added. “But I would be all alone. I don’t want to be all alone. I thought that Brian and I would be together. He and I would have each other, so I wouldn’t be alone,” Michael explained tearfully. Ben was speechless so Michael continued. “But with Brian legally committing to Justin, they are going to be together. Brian won’t be there for me if anything should happen to you,” he added. “He’ll be with Justin.” “Michael, you and Brian have been there for each other for over 20 years. I assure you that if anything were to happen to me, Brian would be right there by your side…giving you his love and support. And Justin would be there too,” Ben insisted. “That’s my point. If something were to happen to you, Brian AND Justin would be there together for me. Brian and I wouldn’t be together in any way that mattered. And I would still be all alone,” Michael continued to mourn. Ben was beginning to get the picture that Michael was using Brian as his contingency plan for the future. “Michael, just so you know, I’m planning on being around for a very long time,” Ben said with a smile. “I know. It’s really good to hear you say that,” Michael confirmed. “Michael, just out of curiosity, what did you expect Brian to be doing all this time while I’m still here…taking very good care of myself?” Ben had to ask. “I figured that Brian would continue as he was…as he’s always been…in the clubs…with the tricks. You know that Brian will never change,” Michael pointed out. “So you expected Brian to remain the same and continue in the clubs until he was ready for the two of you to be ‘two old queens in Palm Springs’…sometime after I was gone,” Ben said in disbelief. Michael just shook his head yes. “You weren’t planning on Brian having much of a life, were you?” Ben suggested. “You would have years of happiness with me, and you expected Brian to continue as he was for all that time,” Ben pointed out. “That wasn’t very fair to him…did you consider that?” “Brian was happy the way he was with tricking and everything. It’s only as he tried to change to make Justin happy that Brian made himself miserable. Justin doesn’t understand him. Justin is always trying to get him to change. Brian was always happy the way he IS,” Michael reiterated. “Michael, Brian might not have been as happy as you think he was with his life. He’s been changing ever since he met Justin. If Brian hadn’t changed, he would have never taken this step with Justin. Legalizing his relationship with Justin is the proof that Brian is a different person. Surely you see that?” Ben said calmly. “I see no such thing. Justin must have manipulated him to this decision. I really need to rescue him,” Michael started to mumble. “You don’t need to rescue Brian. Believe me, he is exactly where he wants to be…with Justin. And you have to accept that,” Ben reminded him. “I don’t have to accept anything!” Michael protested. “So where did you leave things with Brian?” Ben had to ask. “Brian told me if I couldn’t wish him well, then, he was going on and living his life. He wished me well in my life, and then he told me goodbye,” Michael reported, after reflecting for a moment. “Doesn’t that tell you something?” Ben asked. “He doesn’t mean it, Ben. I’ll just give it some time, and Brian will be looking for me in Babylon. Brian will apologize, and things will be as they always were,” Michael protested. “He can’t stay mad at me for very long...he never could.” “Things can never again be as they once were, Michael. Brian meant what he said. If you don’t come to grip with things, you could lose him forever. Brian has chosen Justin as his life partner. He’s not about to give that up…not for you…not for anyone. It’s time for you to let go of the fantasy…even if it is for after I’m gone…and live to the fullest the time that you and I DO have left. You can’t do that if you are clinging to the fantasy of Brian. It’s time for you to let it all go. It’s time for you to call your best friend and wish him well. It’s time, Michael,” Ben said seriously. Michael looked at Ben trying to process what he had heard. He couldn’t believe that Ben didn’t understand the problem. “I don’t understand you, Ben,” Michael continued. “You’ve always said you wanted me to be happy. Now you want me to make all these changes. I don’t know what you want from me,” he protested. “I want my partner, my husband to remember that he’s in a relationship with ME. I want my partner to remember that THIS relationship is important to him. Or at least I thought it was. And I want my partner to focus on our relationship and let his best friend focus on his. That’s what I want, Michael,” Ben professed. “What is it that you want?” “I want a life with you…for as long as it lasts. Why can’t you understand that?” “I do understand it, Michael. Maybe for the first time!” Ben fired back. “And now I have to ask, do you want a life with me because you love me?” “Of course I love you!” Michael was now shouting in hopes that Ben would finally hear him. “Or, do you want a life with me…just so that you won’t have to be alone?” Ben continued with his questioning. “I don’t know why you’re getting upset. You and I have had many talks about what I was going to do after you were gone. You wanted me to go on and continue living when that time came. I promised you I would. Now you seem to be upset with the plans I have made to go on living after you’re gone. I just don’t understand it,” Michael shouted back. “What’s the problem?” “The problem is, Michael, that I not going to die soon enough for you to have the life with Brian that you had planned. The problem is that I am very much alive. The problem is that I intend to continue to be so. The problem is you’re in a relationship with me. The problem is that Brian didn’t wait for you. The problem is…you can’t have Brian!” Ben finally said. “How can you say that? You know that Brian is my best friend,” Michael replied. “Michael, I suppose that once Brian fell in love with Justin, he was never going to go back to being 14 again. He grew up. Brian grew up and made a life-long commitment to Justin. And for once in his life, Brian didn’t consult with anyone…because Justin was all that mattered,” Ben said calmly. Michael didn’t say anything…he just sat there with tears streaming down his face. “Look Michael, I guess being positive takes its toll on everyone. I have to remember to do all the right things to keep myself healthy…eat right, exercise, take herbs…all to keep myself out of the hospital. I know we have to be careful when me make love. I guess, as long as I wasn’t in the hospital…I guess, I thought that we were ok.” “We are ok, Ben. I love you. Don’t you know that?” Michael asked through tears. “I guess…I forget sometimes how hard things must be for you. I guess…I forget that you’re living with this disease too. It takes its toll on everyone. I guess…I forget sometimes how this disease crushed a lot of your dreams too,” Ben said quietly. “But Michael…” “Yeah?” Michael said, looking up at Ben. “If you used the fantasy of a future with Brian as your way to cope day-to-day with living with me…what are you going to do now, Michael? What are we going to do now that you know the fantasy can never be real? Because like it or not, Michael, Brian and Justin are legally bound together forever,” Ben continued calmly. Michael didn’t know what to say to Ben. He didn’t know how to make Ben understand what he was feeling, and he knew that he needed some time to think. So Michael simply said, “All I know is that I love you, Ben, and my life is with you. I don’t know what else to say. Look, I haven’t had a chance to spend much time today with my daughter, so I’m going to my mother’s to play with JR before she goes to bed,” Michael said sadly. “I shouldn’t be gone too long,” he added almost in a whisper. And with that, Michael turned and left Ben alone. Ben knew he had to wait for those answers.