Lois and Carolyn, thanks for the beta…you’re the greatest!
Author’s Comments: We are one month after the events in Chapter 8 of "Session In Pitts". Melanie and Lindsay have returned to Pittsburgh for their monthly counseling session. This session happens immediately after the events in Chapter 54 of “Between Now and Then”.
Chapter 1 – Session 5
First Monthly Session, Saturday Morning …(Day 48)
Lindsay and Melanie hurried off to Elizabeth’s office for their scheduled appointment.
In Elizabeth’s outer office, Lindsay appeared to be mindlessly flipping through magazines, while Melanie was deep in thought.
Melanie was extremely concerned about Lindsay’s reaction to the news about Brian and Justin. Brian and Justin had legalized their relationship. Melanie couldn’t help thinking that Brian, who had always been opposed to marriage and commitment, had bound himself more tightly to Justin than any other couple they knew. Brian and Justin were more than married… they would be permanently together.
Melanie knew one more thing that she hadn’t bothered to mention to anyone; Brian has always been very protective where Justin was concerned, whether they were together as a couple or not. For Brian to have taken this step with Justin, she knew that Brian was ready to cut anything and anyone out of his life that interfered with that relationship, so Melanie wanted to be sure that her partner treaded very carefully in her dealings with Brian later today.
Although Lindsay appeared to be mindlessly flipping through magazines, she actually tried to focus her thoughts on her discussions with Debbie, Emmett, and Melanie at breakfast. She too was trying to get her mind around the fact that Brian and Justin had legalized that relationship. When Lindsay thought about it, she realized that Emmett was right. Brian and Justin had been a couple for years now, and it was true that they were even supposed to get married a year ago. So she realized that she really shouldn’t be surprised by the turn of events…but she was…nevertheless.
What really seemed to bother Lindsay was that Brian had made this life altering decision without discussing it with HER, and that marked this as a big step for him. For Lindsay, ever since their college days, Brian had relied on her to be his sounding board for all things of importance with his life…until now. The fact that Brian made this major decision, without discussing it in advance with anyone, meant that Brian had changed…he now trusted himself enough to keep his own counsel. And if Brian trusted himself enough to keep his own counsel, then he had finally become his own person. And if Brian had become his own person, then he would no longer need her as his most trusted confidante. The circle of Brian’s life was now complete.
Lindsay knew that she would always love Brian, and that Brian would love her. Even the existence of Gus hadn’t been enough to stop Brian from making this life-altering change in his relationship with her. He had simply made his life-choice, and that choice was Justin, leaving Lindsay alone to close her book of fantasies and dreams. At that moment, Lindsay realized that things had changed drastically between her and Brian, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about this change.
Lindsay’s thoughts were interrupted as Elizabeth came out of her office into the waiting room to greet them. “I’m glad to see you both. Why don’t you come on in?” she said.
Melanie and Lindsay followed her, making themselves comfortable in their usual side-by-side seats in her office.
“It’s been a month since we’ve seen each other. Why don’t you bring me up to date on how things are going?” Elizabeth asked, after making herself comfortable in her own chair.
“We’ve missed talking with you,” Melanie explained. “But I’m pleased to report that we’ve made some progress. I think that we’re in a much better space now, than we were when we came to see you a month ago.”
“That’s good to know,” Elizabeth said with enthusiasm, “I always like to hear success stories.”
“Things have definitely been much better between us,” Lindsay added confidently.
“So tell me, what’s been going on?” Elizabeth inquired.
Melanie waited a few minutes to see if Lindsay would start.
When the silence continued, Melanie stepped in. “Lindsay and I are learning to talk to each other about our issues,” she revealed.
Lindsay finally found her voice and added, “I think things between us have been better. There’s been less anger between us, even when we don’t agree on things,” Lindsay admitted. “We have, at least, been able to talk about things,” she said with a sigh.
“Well, that’s really good news,” Elizabeth said with a smile.
“Lindsay and I have come to accept that Brian, and to a certain extent Justin, are necessary for Gus’ development. I have made a conscious decision to stop creating a confrontation every time that Brian wants to spend time with Gus. So over the last month, Brian has asked and actually spent almost every weekend with Gus…in Toronto, in Cincinnati, and now here in Pittsburgh. Our son couldn’t be happier with the new arrangement.” Melanie began.
“This represents a major step for both of you,” Elizabeth commented.
“Thanks,” Melanie continued, “Also Lindsay and I have talked about the issue of moving back to Pittsburgh versus continuing to live in Toronto. I know that Lindsay is unhappy in Toronto, because we’re so isolated there. Our kids are safe, but so far we still haven’t been able to establish that sense of community, we’ve been seeking. But we seem to be in agreement that with family considerations, a move back to Pittsburgh would not be a wise idea…we both feel that such a move would not be in the best interest of our daughter.”
Elizabeth commented, “These were significant problems when you were here a month ago.”
“Unfortunately, we still have a few issues,” Lindsay easily said.
“Is there something specific that comes to mind?” Elizabeth asked with interest.
“I’m unhappy living in Toronto, that part is true. By the same token, moving back to Pittsburgh isn’t a reasonable alternative either. We’ve been able to talk about the problem and our feelings, but we haven’t been able to arrive at any particular solution to the problem,” Lindsay quietly agreed.
“So, why don’t we talk about it a bit right here and now?” Elizabeth offered as beginning guidance.
“It just feels like we’re at an impasse. I don’t want to stay in Toronto, and Melanie doesn’t want to return to Pittsburgh. No matter how you view our situation, this is a no win scenario,” Lindsay pointed out.
“Your situation isn’t no win, Lindsay,” Elizabeth interrupted, “There’s always a third alternative.”
“What? For me to return to Pittsburgh with Gus and have Melanie remain in Toronto with Jenny?” Lindsay said begrudgingly. “That would probably work except that Melanie and I want to remain together. We love each other.”
“Is that the only option that you see to this situation?” Elizabeth asked with some surprise. “No one has even suggested that you and Melanie reside in separate cities. Is that the only other solution you can envision to your dilemma?”
“That’s all I see at the moment,” Lindsay professed with a certain degree of anger. “And I don’t like it one bit.”
“There is clearly another alternative,” Elizabeth clearly stated. “I’m surprised that the two of you have never considered it.”
“And what would that be?” Lindsay asked sarcastically.
“Yes, by all means, tell us what we’re not seeing?” Melanie requested.
Elizabeth took a deep breath. “Have you considered moving together to a different city? Maybe somewhere in the States that is close enough to Pittsburgh to allow for continued closeness with the family, but not in Pittsburgh itself,” Elizabeth suggested. “Some place where you feel your kids would be safe and where you both could resume your careers at something approximating your former salaries,” she suggested. “Thus allowing many things to re-normalize in your relationship.”
“I would hate to have Gus start over again in another new school, but it may be a solution if it could provide a better life for everyone…us and both our kids,” Lindsay quickly suggested.
“I have considered that possibility, but I didn’t think that you would even consider another move,” Melanie revealed, speaking directly to Lindsay. “So with that option unavailable, staying in Toronto was always the lesser of two evils.”
“How come you never told me that you were thinking about another relocation?” Lindsay asked.
“Since I thought you were against the idea, I saw no reason to even bring it up.” Melanie explained in her own defense, “Besides, it was just a random thought.”
“I see,” Lindsay added. “This would be ideal if we can find a way to make it work,” she replied. “That way Melanie could actually practice law, and I could work at a more prestigious gallery. Or I could teach again part time if I wanted to. I guess that’s an idea worth investigating,” she added with enthusiasm.
“Now that I know you’re interested, we can research some cities and investigate further,” Melanie agreed. “I’m sure we can find someplace in the States that is gay friendly but also offers good opportunities of both of us.”
“So it looks like you have something to consider when you get back to Toronto,” Elizabeth suggested.
“Is there anything else that you two want to talk about?” Elizabeth asked.
“There is something else,” Lindsay began. “I’ve been missing my art. I know I can’t have the career that Justin will have, but I want to do more with my art. I miss it.”
“Yes, go on,” Elizabeth suggested.
“There’s a summer program in Paris that I want to apply for,” Lindsay continued. “Gus is older, so I could take him with me now.”
“Yes, so what’s the problem,” Elizabeth innocently asked.
“When we made the decisions to have the kids, we made certain decision about our lives. I don’t see how I can manage with Jenny all alone during the three months she would be in Paris. I don’t know how I would manage being separated from Gus for all that time either. Not to mention, I don’t see how we could afford to pay for Lindsay to be in Paris for three months. The whole thing just feels so unrealistic to me,” Melanie responded.
“I can see your point, Melanie. Lindsay what do you have to say in response to that?” Elizabeth asked.
“Before Gus was born, we said we wanted a house full of kids…kids to be raised in love. We have set about fulfilling that dream. Now I want to develop my art too. And I can’t develop my art if I have primary responsibility to mother our kids,” Lindsay professed.
“I don’t know what I can do to change that Linds,” Melanie admitted.
“I feel like a disproportional amount of childcare responsibility falls to me,” Lindsay continued to complain. “I know we agreed to work together to raise our kids, but I seem to be able to manage both kids when Melanie has to work. But if I have to work, Melanie has a problem handling both kids. Lately, this hasn’t been a problem, because Gus has been spending a lot of time with Brian and Justin. But when he’s at home, Melanie can’t seem to handle the kids without one of them being neglected. This feels unfair to me,” she professed.
“Lindsay is right, I do have difficulty handling both kids when she isn’t around,” Melanie admitted. “Lindsay is a wonderful mother and great with our kids. She is the reason we agreed to have kids in the first place. But Lindsay, I’m never going to be the kind of mother that you are. I just don’t seem to do a good job of watching both kids.”
“You have difficulty with these things, and you automatically expect me to take up the slack. You always expect me to step in when you can’t figure out how to handle things. I’m beginning to resent it. You’re willing to spend time with Jenny, and you want me to spend time with Jenny too, but when you’re overwhelmed with two kids, you always show a preference for Jenny, and Gus is neglected. This is another one of those cases, where it feels like you place your child’s needs over my child’s need,” Lindsay professed.
“I never consciously made a distinction between our kids. I simply figured that Gus, being older, was capable of entertaining himself, in his room, with his toys, while Jenny was still too little to play alone,” Melanie went on to explain. “After talking with you and Brian, I’ve tried to avoid sending Gus off alone to his room to play. I’ve tried to handle things differently.”
“I think your inability to handle both kids together may have a lot to do with your evolving belief that Gus should spend more time with Brian and Justin. When Gus is with them, handling both kids is something you don’t have to deal with,” Lindsay explained. “So consequently, you don’t even have to try to get better at it.”
“I thought you were happy that Gus was spending time with Brian and Justin,” Melanie argued. “It’s what you’ve always said you wanted.”
“I am glad. It has been wonderful for Gus. But you and I and the kids don’t do things together as a family, and this is a problem for everyone. And trips to Pittsburgh don’t count, because once we reach here, Jenny goes one way, and Gus goes another,” Lindsay complained.
“That’s a valid complaint. Money has been tight. We’re barely getting by. There isn’t extra money for family things. You and I are pretty much working all the time. I’m taking classes. We, as a family, have a shortage of both time and money,” Melanie complained.
“That’s another reason to move away from Toronto,” Lindsay quipped.
“As for Brian and Justin compensating for some deficiency I see in my own child-management skills, absolutely. You wouldn’t allow for a nanny when Gus was a baby, even though that’s what most working couples, gay or straight, have to do with small children. I understood your reluctance, and we’ve managed to work around it. But Brian and Justin aren’t strangers when it comes to Gus, so as far as I’m concerned, Gus is practically, almost under parental supervision when he’s with Brian and Justin. All the time that they spend with Gus, has been time that Brian requested. I didn’t instigate the time, and I don’t see a problem it,” Melanie went on to explain.
“Lindsay, Melanie can’t raise the daughter you two agreed to have together, without both of your participation. And yet you feel you can’t be devoted to your art and raise your kids. I would say that once again you’re at an impasse,” Elizabeth explained. “There has to be a third solution. And likewise Melanie, maybe you haven’t exhausted the resources at your disposal to solve this problem. Maybe you’ve just given up?” Elizabeth asked.
“I like to think that I have been practical. Lindsay’s solution for funding her career development in Paris is based on her belief that Brian will fund this. Based on something we learned recently, I think that depending on Brian’s money to fund outrageous things may be a pipedream of the past.”
“What do you mean?” Lindsay asked.
“Brian isn’t going to make financial decisions any longer, without discussing them with Justin,” Melanie added.
“Why should Justin object? He’s an artist after all…he has his own art career,” Lindsay pointed out.
“An art career that you made sure he had to pursue totally on his own. Justin has been a starving artist for the last year in New York, because you told him that’s what he needed to do for his art. He struggled with odd jobs…whatever he could find…until his paintings started to sell. You convinced Justin that he needed struggle like this, and you admitted that he was a more talented artist than you,” Melanie continued to explain.
“So what’s your point?” Lindsay asked.
“So you think Justin is going to agree to Brian funding your three month artistic excursion into Paris. I don’t mean to be cruel, but I suggest that you think again,” Melanie pointed out.
“Why shouldn’t Brian fund this…my being in Paris would create new experiences for his son? Brian is always willing to spend money on Gus,” Lindsay professed.
“Careful Lindsay, that ploy has always worked on Brian. Trust me, Justin sees through that manipulation. Justin isn’t Brian. Justin usually doesn’t say anything, but he clearly knows what you’ve been doing. And just so you know, you think Brian is overly protective of Justin…Justin is fiercely over-protective of Brian. Not to mention that what we did to Brian and Justin last year was terrible. We created so much doubt that they postponed their wedding. We have a lot to atone for…you and me,” Melanie suggested.
“I did what I thought was best,” Lindsay argued.
“For whom Lindsay, for you or for Brian and Justin?” Melanie challenged.
“That’s not fair!” Lindsay argued.
“It doesn’t matter whether it’s fair or not. Even if your intentions were good, my point is, you’re going to have to find new ways to deal with Brian and Justin,” Melanie argued.
“Lindsay, you seem to have some problems with what Melanie just said,” Elizabeth questioned. “Tell me what’s going on?”
“Once again, I’m concerned that Gus will begin to think of Brian and Justin as his family unit, when Melanie, you and I are his parents,” Lindsay professed.
“But Brian and Justin ARE part of Gus’ family unit. I thought we settled that during our last session,” Melanie said with some exasperation.
“We did,” Lindsay said in a whisper, “It’s just that…”
“It’s just that, what Lindsay?” Elizabeth asked.
Lindsay just sat there shaking her head… suddenly unable to speak her thoughts, as she fought to hold back tears.
Melanie leaned over and put her arm around Lindsay, offering her support and understanding.
“Melanie, Lindsay, there’s obviously something going on here that I’m unaware of,” Elizabeth interjected, “It’s not my job to pry, but I can’t help with things if I don’t know about them?”
Melanie took a deep breath. “This morning right before we came here, we had an unusual conversation with Gus. Gus spent the night with Brian and Justin at the mansion along with some friends of ours, Paul and Jason and their son Nicky. Our friends are at the mansion, so that Nicky and Gus can have a weekend play date,” Melanie began to explain.
“That sounds like a wonderful planned weekend for Gus,” Elizabeth responded. “What’s the problem?”
“During the telephone conversation our son started talking about toast,” Melanie revealed.
“Ok, I’ll admit that kids remember the strangest things. What’s so significant about toast?” Elizabeth innocently asked.
Lindsay finally found her voice, “Gus wasn’t talking about something you serve with jam,” she said sadly, “He was talking about bubbly that tickled his nose. Gus was talking about a celebration,” she finally clarified with concern still evident in her voice.
“Oh dear, don’t tell me you’re worried about Brian giving Gus champagne?” Elizabeth asked.
“According to Gus they made many toasts, so I suspect that Gus may have had sparkling cider. Justin used to make sure that Gus had a glass of sparkling cider for certain celebrations…like New Year’s. It was a private thing between them,” Melanie responded with a smile.
“Then I fail to see what the problem is,” Elizabeth explained once more.
“The problem is that everyone at the mansion was celebrating the fact that Brian and Justin had legalized their domestic partnership; they’re going to be a couple forever,” Lindsay explained.
“Lindsay, is there something about them being a couple that you have a problem with?” Elizabeth casually asked, already knowing the answer from the prior sessions, but she had to get Lindsay to talk about this.
“Not really. Brian and Justin have been a couple for a long time,” Lindsay remarked. “It’s just that Brian and I used to be so close. I can’t believe that he made this lifetime commitment to Justin without talking to me about it first. He essentially made this decision on his own…that means that Brian has changed.”
“You and Brian have always been so close. You were close in college, and you’ve been each other’s confidants ever since. But you moved on with your life, and so has Brian,” Melanie reminded her.
“But even though we moved on with our lives, our friendship wasn’t supposed to change. We have Gus. And…” Lindsay paused before she continued, “The existence of Gus was supposed to insure that things never changed between us? How could he do this to me?” she said tearfully.
“Lindsay, Gus is part of the reason that things changed. Brian wanted to leave a different legacy for his son than was left to him by his parents. Whatever else is going on, Gus is really clear that Brian loves him. And as for Justin, Gus and Justin are so crazy about each other. All the things that you hoped for between Brian and Gus are there. What’s missing from your plan…from your dream…is that Brian will fall so completely in love with Gus that he would want to be a full-time parent. What’s missing from your plan is that Brian would eventually want the two of you to be together to make it happen. That was never going to happen before…and with Brian and Justin being legally a couple like they are…that is never going to happen in the future. So it’s time to let the fantasy go, Lindsay!” Melanie calmly clarified for her.
“It just hurts,” Lindsay finally admitted.
“I know it does,” Melanie said sympathetically. “Go ahead and grieve your loss, Lindsay, but don’t try to play the victim here. Brian did nothing to hurt you. He simply made a significant choice about HIS life…by himself…correct that…he made a significant choice about his life…with the only other person that mattered…Justin,” she continued gently, “And you and Brian are still friends.”
“Look Elizabeth, I know that what Melanie just said is true,” Lindsay acknowledged, “But I will always love Brian, and there’s nothing I can do to change that.”
“You may not be able to change the fact that you love Brian. But how you craft your love for Brian, going forward, is clearly within your own hands. It’s clearly an issue between ‘you and you’. Don’t you see that?” Elizabeth gently reminded her.
“I think so,” Lindsay said quietly.
There was a moment of silence for everyone.
“Why don’t you take a moment and gather yourself together?” Elizabeth suggested, “I’m going to take a break for a few minutes, then I’ll be right back.”
“Sure,” Melanie said.
When Elizabeth had left the room, Melanie moved in closer to her partner, and wrapped her arms around Lindsay without saying a word.
“I’m sorry, Melanie,” Lindsay finally said, “This doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.”
“I know,” Melanie answered with a sigh. “You love Brian…you’re always going to feel the same way about Brian…I came to terms with that a long time ago. The question between us now is will OUR relationship ever be enough for you? But that’s a question for another time. I don’t want to talk about this now.”
Elizabeth returned to the room, “Lindsay, Melanie, is everything ok?”
Lindsay and Melanie both nodded yes.
“There’s one more thing, Lindsay. You already know that Brian is fiercely protective of Justin. Know this, Justin is equally protective of Brian,” Melanie reminded her.
“What are you trying to say, Melanie?” Lindsay asked, with a measure of fear and uncertainty entering her voice.
“What I’m saying again is that Brian will probably no longer make financial decisions without consulting with Justin first.” Melanie said quietly.
“Brian has always been generous where his son was concerned,” Lindsay reminded her emphatically, “I don’t expect that to change because of his new legal union with Justin.”
“Think again, Lindsay. What I’m trying to tell you is that things may have already changed,” Melanie reiterated. “We’re on our way out to the mansion for lunch. I have a feeling we’re about to see that a lot of things have changed.”
“So you were invited to the mansion,” Elizabeth said cautiously, “I know this is something, Lindsay, that you’ve been very eager to see. Are you sure that you’re ready?”
“I’m sure. I’m closing the book on my fantasies and dreams. I’ll be fine,” Lindsay responded with confidence.
“You two have the number of my service if there are any problems,” Elizabeth reminded them. “And I would like to meet with both of you tomorrow morning briefly. I want to be sure everything is ok before you go back to Toronto.”
Melanie and Lindsay both tried to assure Elizabeth that such a meeting would be unnecessary, but Elizabeth explained that it was just a precaution. Finally everyone agreed to one more session the following morning. They settled on a time, and finally said their goodbyes.
It was now time for Melanie and Lindsay to call Brian and arrange for their transport to the mansion.
Author’s Comments: After the events in this sidebar, the events continue in Chapter 55 of Between Now And Then.
Additional Sessions will be posted as necessary.