Thanks Lois for the beta...you're the greatest! Chapter 9 - Reflections That Evening…(Day 10) At Red Cape Comics the bell sounded just before closing, indicating a visitor. So Michael looked up and came face to face with his husband. “Michael, are you ok?” Ben asked, closing the door and entering the store. “Ben, what are you doing here?” Michael asked. “Everybody’s worried about you, Michael. They think that you’re acting a little strange. I’ve noticed it too, but I wanted to give you a few days before I said anything. I wanted to give you some time, hoping you would come to me. So, now you’re going to tell me what’s going on Michael!” Ben walked over to Michael and hugged him from behind. Michael leaned into Ben’s chest for support. Michael sighed and then tried to gather his thoughts. “I just don’t know, Ben,” Michael said, finally “Sure you do. Whatever it is we can handle it, but you’re going to have to talk to me. But, clearly you have been upset ever since Justin’s painting and note arrived. So I want you to tell me what’s going on, Michael.” Ben was basically a patient, understanding person. But, every now and then, he adopted this stern tone that let Michael know that Ben wanted answers, and he wanted them now. “I’ve been sitting here looking at the painting and reading the note, over and over. You know sometimes I realize that I’m not as smart as everyone else. Sometimes it takes me longer to see what everyone else sees,” Michael sighed. “What do you mean?” Ben asked, as he settled down on a stool facing Michael. Ben gently touched Michael’s cheek encouraging him to go on. “When I first got the painting from Justin, I was so excited. I was excited first of all that Justin sent it to me, and of course, I loved the subject matter. It’s a wonderful painting.” “And now?” “The longer I look at the painting, the more I see. This must be what it’s like when you meditate.” “In meditation, once you can still the mind and get centered, you can get in touch with the truth. You can start to see within. That’s very important Michael.” “What if you don’t like what you see within?” “Seeing whatever is within and acknowledging it are the first steps. Then you can figure out how to change it if you really want to.” “Ben, how do you put up with me?” “I love you, Michael. I don’t always like some of the things you do, but I do always love you.” “What do you mean?” “Nothing. It’s just painful sometimes.” Michael reached out to touch Ben’s cheek with genuine love and affection. “You mean Brian.” “I mean Brian and Justin.” “I know you saw the note that Justin sent. Have you had a chance to think about its meaning?” Michael asked. “Michael, Justin wasn’t being deep or cryptic. Justin was just reminding you to dream…and to keep on dreaming no matter what. You know it’s really important to have dreams and goals. He wants you to keep on dreaming, even if some of the dreams that you dream can’t come true. We all remember how upset you were after the movie was cancelled, for example. You have to form new dreams to go on living. It was a very loving thing for Justin to say. But Justin is also saying, don’t get so lost in your dreams that you forget to look at life and live it to the fullest.” “You know Ben, I love the painting. But Justin made the painting without putting JT in it. Justin only included Rage and Zephyr and the superheroes. Brian said that I should be happy that Justin gave me a painting that showed a world without any traces of Justin in it. That I should see the painting as perfect, like a dream come true. A world without JT…a world without Justin! He’s right. It’s what I’ve been aiming for since that night, the night Brian met Justin. And so, Justin gave that to me, in a painting. But Ben, if it’s what I’ve always wanted, how come I’m so miserable?” Michael asked. “Why do you think that is, Michael?” “I don’t know.” “I don’t think you want a world without Justin or JT. But I do think you’re very glad that Justin’s in New York. And since Justin’s been gone, you have tried everything you could to return Brian to ‘the old Brian you knew before Justin came along’. No, I don’t think you want a world without Justin, but you definitely want Brian’s world without Justin in it.” “But…” “Please don’t start with the but ‘he’s my best friend and I need to protect him’ stuff, because it’s bullshit, and you know it. You made a decision to go forward, to grow up, and to have a life with me. But, you want Brian to stay the same and always be there for you. Brian wanted Justin in his life, and he had to change in ways you don’t understand to make that happen. But you’ve been the last the see the changes Brian decided to make, and you blame Justin for any changes you do see. So you’ve done everything you could to Justin, supposedly in the name of protecting Brian. Don’t bother to deny it.” “I wasn’t going to deny it. You’re right! I have. I always felt that Justin was wrong for Brian. I always thought that Brian was happy the way things had always been.” “When you and Brian did everything together? And there was no one else?” “Yes.” “You have other priorities now… at least I hope you do. I hope that Hunter and JR and I are more important to you than Brian. I think we are, but sometimes I’m not sure.” “You ARE most important Ben. Don’t ever doubt it. I love you. I’m married to you. I want a life with you. Hunter and JR are important too. Some habits are just hard to break.” “Michael, I know that you and Brian love each other. I know that you two have a history. I really do understand.” “Emmett said that all our lives changed when Justin came along. I know I wouldn’t have the comic if Justin hadn’t come along, it would still be just a dream. And, I would probably still be working at the Big Q. Justin sort of showed me how to make my dreams come true; I learned a lot by watching him after the bashing, as he fought his way back and got into PIFA. He let me know what was possible, so I took the plunge and bought Buzzy’s store and made it mine. You know Ben, without the store I probably wouldn’t have met you, and I would still be all alone. So I do see what Emmett was trying to say to me.” “And let’s not forget that a 17 year-old kid managed to conquer the King of Liberty Avenue. Look at how much Brian’s life has changed. Brian was even ready to marry Justin. I never thought I’d live to see that.” Ben elaborated with a smile. “Justin understands things about Brian that no one else even sees, and Brian is at his strongest when Justin stands by his side. Surely you see that by now.” “I just get so mad at Brian sometimes. I was mad that he supported Lindsay over me, when it came to JR’s custody. I was mad about his proposal to Justin. So I guess when Lindsay and Melanie wanted to take the kids to Toronto, I didn’t try to stop them, even though Brian tried to tell everyone it was a mistake. And when Justin was planning to go to New York, I didn’t try to encourage Brian to rethink that decision and try to stop Justin from going. And once everyone had gone, I didn’t just try to be a real friend to Brian. Instead I’d tried to get the old Brian back as quickly as I could. I thought I’d get to have Brian all to myself again. It would be like old times. However, what I got was less of Brian than I ever had before, and I don’t know what to do now.” “Michael for starters, you need to focus on something else beside Brian and Justin.” “Ben, I’m really worried that Justin is lost New York City. It’s just a feeling. Brian thinks I’m crazy. I just don’t think Justin’s happy.” “And you know this because …?” “He left JT out of the painting.” “Michael, this is where we started.” “I know. I know.” “Michael, you know how Brian feels about Justin, don’t you? Do you honestly believe that Brian would allow Justin to be LOST in New York City without mounting a rescue mission? C’mon this is Brian Kinney we’re talking about…and the person he’s in love with. You’re just going to have to have some faith in the fact that Brian and Justin DO take care of each other. You don’t have to fulfill that role anymore. They look out for each other, the way you and I take care of each other.” “I know… I love you, Ben.” “I love you too, Michael. I also think it’s sweet that after all these years, you’re finally worried about Justin.” “I know…it’s funny isn’t it?” “But Michael be sure to examine your own motives. Your reaction to the painting may be out of proportion to what Justin really painted. This may really be an issue between you and your conscience. Don’t try to make this into something to do with you and Brian.” “I’m not. It’s just that …” Ben took Michael in his arms and silenced him with a firm kiss on the lips. “We’ll give it a bit of time. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe you and I will go to New York for a few days. Hunter can either come with us, or he can stay and watch the store. While we’re there, maybe we could check on Justin to put your mind at rest. How does that sound? We should check with Brian to see how he feels about it.” “Ok, I’ll call Brian.” “No! Careful Michael! Did nothing we just talked about get through to you?” Ben said with a sigh. Michael knew this was a stern warning. “I’m a patient man, but I have limits Michael.” “I’m sorry. I just get carried away sometimes. I think it has do with being part Italian and part drag queen,” Michael said, trying to lighten the moment. “You getting carried away may present a danger to us all, so be careful Michael!” Ben warned solemnly. “I’ll talk to Brian,” Ben said emphatically. “You need to really process about what we’ve been talking about. You’ve got to decide what you want in your life.” “Ok,” Michael whimpered. Ben finally stood up and wrapped Michael in his arms again. “We’re going to get through this,” he said. “But you’ve got to work with me, Michael.” Michael looked at the painting once more and decided the time had come to simply put it in his office. So he folded the easel, and placed the painting in his office and locked the door. He then securely locked the store and set the alarm. It was time for him go home and focus on Ben.