Authors Note: Brian Speaks Gaelic, translations r in (). I don't, speak Gaelic - I hope its all right forgive me if someone can makeout any errors... Thank you to my Beta Big J ------ Justin awoke with a heavy head not knowing where he was. He lay there for a moment willing away his thumping headache and trying to recall the events of earlier that evening. When he finally opened his eyes he noticed he was in a large bed with rich, dark hangings, which enclosed him in warmth. He heard voices speaking in low whispers just outside his field of vision. He could not make out any of the individual words just a general gentle murmuring, which eased his aching head and lulled his way back into sleep. Justin had been sleeping feverishly since he had fainted last night. After the initial rush of waking the right people, getting them dressed and calling the doctor he had made Justin comfortable as they had waited for the arrival of Dr. Samuels. When he finally arrived he briskly checked his patient out and diagnosed influenza that would have to be watched and taken care of if they didn’t want it to turn into full-blown pneumonia. Given the patients’ slender frame and pallor, which lent Justin an air of frailty, Brian was unwilling to test his diagnosis. The decision to personally make sure Justin was cared for properly had very little to do with the fact that Justin looked small and delicate hidden amongst the mass of blankets Brian had ordered to keep him warm. He looked angelic amidst the white sheets and each fevered moan made him wince. After Dr Samuels had taken his leave, entrusting the instructions for his care to Brian and assuring him that he would be back tomorrow to check up on his patient and on the youngest, new member of the household, Brian sat himself in the chair by Justin’s bed. An oddly protective feeling welled up inside him. He dismissed it, yet it didn’t stop him from studying his guest. The flush of fever that graced his cheeks emphasised his pallor and his hair fell damp over his forehead. He was contemplating whether he should go back to bed or whether he should wash and dress and give up on having any more sleep this night when he heard a muffled moan. He stayed where he was as Justin sat up. He rubbed his hands over his eyes as if to make an attempt to further clear his head and then stared around the room bleary eyed until his gaze settled on him. His eyes were luminous as they shone darkly in contrast to the pallor of his skin. Brian sat without moving allowing Justin to study him. His eyes travelled over his face as if in an attempt to memorise the line of his jaw or the curve of his cheek. He blinked slowly and finally their gazes met. “I know not… what has happened? What are you doing here?” Justin said aloud in a raspy voice. “You should not have stayed up all of yesterday if you were not feeling well.” Brian stated firmly as he decided to jump straight to the admonishing rather then dwell on the details that Justin seemed to require. Justin opened his mouth to argue so Brian continued. “You should know better than to push yourself in such ways. You could have become grievously ill. Eistigi liom Aingeal. (listen to me angel) Are you listening? You are susceptible to pneumonia. You must stay abed, an dtuigeann tú? (Do you understand?) You are of no use to me sick or dead.” “Use? To you?” Justin attempted to wrap his head around this new development and a language he did not understand. He hadn’t been lectured in such a way since he had fallen out of the top of the willow tree when he was eight years old. Justin flushed with unwarranted anger, “You have no need to worry.” he said, “Next time I shall be much more wary of dying. I wouldn’t want to make a nuisance of myself. It would be selfish of me to impose such an inconvenience on you.” “You are being childish.” Brian grinned. “As you so often remind me, I am nothing but.” Justin mentioned sullenly “You are not ‘nothing but’” Brian interrupted in an attempt to distract Justin from his ranting. “Then why is it that you are treating me like one? You speak to me as if I were Gus. At least we now know you will not fail abysmally as a father. You exude barely contained anger extremely well. I am not a child. I am most definitely not your child and I am sure that you have better thing to do then treat me as one. After all it is rather time consuming.” The energy that this rant had taken made Justin feel weak and his vision became blurry. He lifted a hand so he could press his fingers against his temple. “…And histrionic.” Brian decided to add, not attempting to hide his amusement. Justin’s eyes snapped furiously but he kept mutinously silent, unwilling to vent his anger. Brian hid a smile and stood up to approach his bedside as he said, “You’ll make yourself sick again.” “Me? It is you who is acting as if …” “As if… what?” Brian had succeeded masterfully at irritating him again. He took a deep breath and realised that anger was not an emotion that was conducive to being sick. He lay himself back down and shut his eyes hoping that it would halt his impeding headache and that maybe when he opened them again Brian would be gone. Brian watched as the fight left him and regretted his part in provoking him. He liked being witness to Justin’s fire and passion but at least now he would not fight his dictate and remain in bed. He drew his hand up to touch Justin’s forehead hoping that his fever hadn’t returned. As his hand made contact with the soft skin, blue eyes opened and stared straight into his, unblinking. “I don’t know what to do you with you.” Brian sighed while studying the pale features. “Why must you do anything at all?” Justin asked curiously. “You cared for my son and brought him to me. You were company to my ailing wife, her solace. I do not believe in the debt of favours but somehow I find myself owing you...” “You owe me nothing My Lord” Justin interrupted softly but firmly. “What if I find myself coveting this particular debt?” This debt… Brian thought, this beautiful, pale, blond debt. He shut his eyes… yes; he was definitely coveting this particular debt. “I do not understand.” Justin stared up at him candidly. “You run my estate flawlessly but I cannot hire you. You care for my son yet you will not be able to do so if you are at a distance. You are lost to me in the countryside.” Brian stated bluntly. Justin’s heart beat wildly for a moment until he managed to control the rushing in his head. Being ill was a damned nuisance. “You have me at a disadvantage My Lord. I do not feel myself up to my usual levels of comprehension.” “You are right of course. But at the moment your disadvantage is my advantage. You are helpless, prone, forced to tolerate my midnight musings. I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes my favourite position for you to be in.” Brian played with innuendo knowing it was not fair especially when Justin was too sick to work at understanding him. “I… I… I am tired.” Justin decided to work with the words that came easily to him rather than even attempt at deciphering his Lordship’s flirtations. He closed his eyes then a flash of lucidity must have reached him for he suddenly realised that the word he had used… it was… flirtation… with… between men… and he … his mind went blank. He tried to sit up but he was too quick and the blood rushed to his head making him dizzy. He felt a pressure on his chest pushing him back flat and he looked up to see Brian bent over him to lay him down. He froze and his nostrils flared with the proximity but Brian did not seem to notice his unease. “You must rest. I will badger you at some other time when you can give as good as I… give. Síochán leat Aingeal (Peace be with you Angel)” Brian turned and left whilst Justin was still speechless and his mind numb. As his thoughts leaked together into a more coherent flood, he took a breath and let it go allowing his body to relax. Sleep took its’ time coming. His mind too busy attempting to make sense of half thoughts and partial interpretations of things he knew nothing about. When he was finally overcome by exhaustion his dreams were confused swirls of colours, which he would luckily be unable to remember. ------- After three days of bed rest Justin had managed to convince all who were concerned that nothing in this world could keep him on his back any longer. He was well and able to perform his duties. Brian had not been to see him since that first night and Justin knew that his attempt at hiding his disappointment from himself would work best if he kept himself busy. Firstly he checked on Gus and he was almost disheartened to see him doing so well in Jane’s care - the young maid he’d met a few days earlier. They played together for an hour or so whilst he gave Jane some respite and time to herself. He quickly noted the changes that had been made to the nursery. Children’s books had appeared, some large colourful blocks for Gus to play with and a few new pieces of furniture seemed to add to the child’s surroundings. He smiled gently, reassured to see that Gus’s space was not as dull and colourless as his mother’s room was. Having only been allowed up after he had taken lunch in his chamber, Justin felt the afternoon sped by rather quickly. By dusk he had finally managed to build his courage up and walked downstairs to knock on the door of the study. No one answered but he heard someone clear his throat behind him and he turned back swiftly. “His Lordship is not at home.” Jenkins stood stiffly and regally and Justin felt somewhat intimidated by the old servants’ presence. “I…” Justin took a deep breath and straightened his back, “Will he be returning tonight?” “He bid me convey a message to you, Sir.” Justin waited a moment for the message before he realised that Jenkins required some form of assurance that he was listening. “Yes” he said quickly feeling a little flustered. “He shall be dining with you tonight.” Jenkins imparted this information in such a way that Justin felt guilty for not feeling exceptionally privileged for the honour of his Lordships’ presence during his dinner. “At eight in the dining room. Across the hall to your right, third door.” Jenkins bowed his head and turned leaving Justin with a sense of relief, which annoyed him no end, until he came down for dinner sharply at eight. ------- Brian was already in the dining room, pouring himself some wine as Justin entered. He looked up quickly and gestured to the bottle wordlessly asking if Justin wanted a glass. Justin nodded in acceptance and attempted to actively calm himself so he wouldn’t fidget or show any nerves. Brian eyed him slowly and he was almost disappointed when he acceded that no, he hadn’t built up his beauty in his absence. He sighed. Well, at least he looked healthier. Justin could hardly stand the silence so he broke it, although he knew that in these circumstances he should wait to be spoken to, “As you can see I took your advice to heart.” “What advice?” Brian turned and made eye contact quickly. He didn’t want to miss a moment of wit or an expression of desire. “I decided to live.” Brian smiled, carefully confident within his newly acquired knowledge. Justin didn’t like silences. The butler walked in carrying the dishes and Brian gestured for Justin to sit down. “I can tell. You look far too alluring to be a corpse at the moment.” Brian started to eat. Justin blinked repeatedly and picked up his fork hesitantly, eyeing Brian with a curious almost distant expression on his face. For a moment all was silent as silverware clinked against china but finally Brian looked up and said. “I find it surprising for a boy of your age to take good advice. You hardly deserve an accolade for a matter that should have been solved by common sense.” Brian tried to keep his face straight as he felt Justin’s whole body still. “I should thank you for imparting your wisdom My Lord.” He finally answered, articulating slowly and carefully. Brian looked up and caught his gaze, eyes unable to suppress what his features could and they danced with mischief. Brian said nothing and allowed Justin to continue. “After all you are a veritable antique, your Lordship and therefore especially wise. Next year or the year after, you’ll be at your last prayers, with a pipe in your hand and shawl round your shoulders.” Brian controlled his grin with difficulty. “And where will you be?” he returned, curious. “In the nursery, playing with my toys – as befits my tender years.” Brian grinned and laughed then bowed his head as he gave Justin this particular victory. It was an icebreaker and afterwards the tension between them seemed to break and conversation flowed easily. Justin described to him his life in the country. He accurately depicted the colourful village life and the vibrant scenery that collectively made up his small kingdom. Brian listened intently, interrupting with questions but mainly he simply enjoyed the immense pleasure of his company. Dinner passed quickly, then dessert followed by a glass or two of brandy in a small sitting room. They parted as friends when finally Justin acknowledged his fatigue and went off to bed. Brian spent some hours in his study working, before doing the same. ------- A week passed in this manner. Justin spent his mornings and early afternoons with Gus. If Brian were home the afternoons and evenings were spent working, studying plans and mapping out potential prospects. If Brian were not home he would sit at Lady Talbot’s old writing table establishing his lines of communication and keeping up with his correspondence. He received a letter from his mother, which kept him abreast of the happenings round the village. Their conversations continued in the same vein - close friends who constantly tantalized and tormented, their words loaded with innuendo, always filled with the undertones of their attraction. And Justin was curious, for though he played an active part in their games he was unsure what the game was. He hated not knowing and he loathed not knowing how to find out. He envied Brian’s obvious knowledge, as if Brian were deliberately depriving him of the answer to some great secret. It was whilst he was searching for a solution to his dilemma, his lack of knowledge, that Brian came across him in his own library. He was standing tall and blond in the light, leaning against one of the dark bookshelves when Brian entered, a book cradled in his arms and staring vaguely into space lost in thought. Justin turned his head quickly to look back at him when he heard the noise of the door closing. Brian approached but kept his distance as he waited to see if Justin would give him an explanation. Justin watched him closely until he had been still for some moments then he turned forward again. Brian was left looking at the back of his head until finally Justin spoke. “I was reading the Bible that I found in your library.” Brian’s eyes closed in annoyance and he took a step back to distance himself. “You are religious?” he ventured lightly and was surprised at the piercing gaze that was levelled at him when he finally allowed himself to look at Justin again. “No.” Justin’s expression changed and his brow was furrowed in mystified curiosity. “Why would you think…? Oh no, I was not reading the Bible in the pursuit of faith.” Justin put down the book he held and turned his body to face him. “Really? I did not know that the Bible was willingly read for any other reason.” Brian stated casually, “To my knowledge it is usually read for religious purposes or forced upon unsuspecting boys by threatening, bitter, musty old tutors who thought that it would help curb a willfully stubborn and viciously wicked streak.” Justin looked up at him and smiled softly, “I take it you were one of the latter persuasion.” “Was there ever any doubt?” Brian grinned evilly. “Well neither of those were why I was reading it.” Justin stated firmly “You are not wicked then? What a pity.” He was startled when Justin’s head jerked up to look at him with a somewhat tortured look on his face. “That is why I was reading it.” his voice was soft and it was obvious that Justin was treading carefully as if he were venturing into totally uncharted waters without his accustomed forewarning derived from his extensive research, and against all his better judgement. “I do not know how… what I am supposed to do with those comments that you so often casually throw at me. Their effect upon me… I do not know what you mean by them or if you do it knowingly. I am not sure if it is normal or even possible.” Anxiety laced his voice but it was barely noticeable and he appeared outwardly calm. Brian started to approach him with the intention of stroking the tension out of his shoulders but stopped himself. “What are you talking about?” Blue eyes stared through him without flinching and with no shame Justin tilted his chin up and said, “You are flirting with me in the same way the country girls in the village do when I'm at a dinner or dance… worse, for they do it innocently in the hope that it will gain them my attention so that I fall in love and choose one of them as my wife.” Brian tried to interrupt. No one had ever compared him to a simpering girl before. It was rather amusing even though the insult was hardly meant but Justin continued. “But with you there is no innocence or ignorance in what you say. Actually there is too much knowledge in your eye when you look at me; as if you know something I do not. I do not know if you do it on purpose or to torment me but if it is done without your knowledge, then I am asking you to stop.” Justin turned around until his face was hidden in the shadows cast by the lamps and all Brian could see was a vague outline of his features and the movement of his shoulders as he breathed. “And if it is?” Brian asked “If what is what?” Justin asked quietly as he turned back to look at him over his shoulder. “If it is done with my knowledge?” Brian moved to sit on the edge of his large reading table. He had an unfettered view of the rest of the room. No matter where Justin wandered off to he knew that he would be able to watch him. “I… I… well.” Justin blinked in a way that Brian took to mean he hadn’t been expecting that particular response. He took a recuperating breath. Then quietly and a little more confidently, as if knowing that the feeling being mutual calmed him somewhat, he said, “That is why I was reading the bible.” Brian laughed and hoped the bitterness in that sound was not as obvious as he felt it was. “Hoping that God will forgive you the sin before it transpires if you put in enough preliminary repentance?” Brian asked sharply and crossed his arms. “No.” Justin said honestly “it was the only place that I could remember it being mentioned, ever, before, that it was possible. It hadn’t occurred to me… that it was …” Justin trailed off. Brian looked at him and then decided to make himself comfortable for this discussion. “Feasible? What you want? What you desire?” Brian finished for him lightly and Justin looked up at him through his eyelashes in that innocent way he had, which caused Brian’s body to hum with pent up desire. He blushed as he said. “Leviticus 18:22, It said ‘lie with mankind, as one lies with womankind’ I had not really noted it before.” Justin continued quietly, curiosity noticeable in his voice, his self-consciousness evident by his posture. “It says ‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as one lies with womankind for it is an abomination.’” Brian corrected, not willing to let the oversight pass. Justin turned away from him and walked towards the bookshelves in an attempt to appear busy while he spoke, tracing the titles on their spines. “My uncle said that there would be many a time in my life when I would be told something is absolutely wrong or absolutely right and that I should never believe anything unless I was faced with absolute proof. For people who try and sway others by means of proclamations more often than not are absolutely wrong, blinded by their unquestioning faith. Rarely is there anything that is absolutely right for there are no absolutes in rightness.” “Do you agree with him… in this?” Justin looked up and met Brian’s gaze. “In this?” Justin asked to assure himself that they were not talking in reference to anything other than what “this” was, “…Yes! No, I am not sure. It depends…” he finally said hesitantly. “On what?” Brian asked with curiosity. “What happens after…” Justin returned more confidently, “if I decide to agree with him in regards to… "this"… if I decide that ‘this’ is what I want. What will happen after that? What I mean is… I am unsure of what… "this" is, of what it can be. I… I am aware that I'm out of my depths.” He took a deep shuddering breath and looked up at him wide-eyed and open. Brian nodded slowly in accord. “I don’t know what it entails. I just don’t know.” Justin uttered his frustration, “I take it that is not something that happens to you often, not knowing.” Brian questioned in an attempt to gather more insight to the boy who was… not a boy. “It happens often enough. No one usually notices it.” Justin said matter-of-factly. “You hide it well?” Brian asked and smiled as Justin’s head came up to meet his gaze with a sardonic expression on his face. “Although you would probably disagree with me, I am not hopelessly naïve. I am aware that to let someone in to that degree gives them the upper hand - power. Life is always about politics to some extent whether they be intellectual or emotional, between countries and continents or between the village gossips – it is all the same.” “Who said that?” Brian asked as he watched Justin continue to try and work all ‘this’ out. “I did.” Justin looked up puzzled but quickly resumed his pacing as if there were a direct correlation between this habit of his and the rate at which he’d manage to decipher this new conundrum. Brian continued to watch his blond. The ownership implied in that word struck him but he refused to allow himself the time to dwell on it. After all denial was a difficult and time-consuming way to waste a moment. He knew he would deny it and his moment could be better spent eyeing his guest. It was somehow quite hypnotising. The graceful swing of the youth’s legs, his profile as he turned to retrace his steps, the way his blond hair swept back and got messier and messier as he kept running his fingers through it. The way in which he licked his lips and when he came to an especially complicated point he would roll his bottom lip and chew on it. How Brian envied that mouth. He so wanted to be the one chewing and licking those lips. “This is no use.” Justin sighed, frustrated. “How do you usually go about it?” Brian asked lightly and Justin’s blue eyes glowed and Brian realised that he was wholly oblivious to his teasing. “Research, books, trial and error, experiments there are all manner of ways to go about obtaining information to lead to a satisfactory conclusion. Yet I find myself in a position… without resources and…” Justin began eagerly. “Well, if we want to be technical about it, the latter is not wholly impossible.” Brian interrupted casually. “The latter?” Brian could see Justin’s brain retracing its steps in an attempt to figure out which possibility of the long list was open to him. He stood there in the glow from the fireplace and the lit evening lamps. The light washed over him in a most tempting manner. He shone with innocence and purity, his youthful blond hair didn’t aid him in his effort to match his age to his responsibilities and Brian could not resist. He stood up straight and took a step towards Justin who became distracted when his gaze caught sight of the length of leg and thigh and hips all clad in tight black breeches that were moving towards him. His brain barely registered the movement until his chin was forced up gently so that his eyes landed on Brian’s face. His breath hitched and he licked his lips instinctively. Brian’s thumb curved under Justin’s jaw, his fingers curving round the back of his neck to support him as he moved his body closer. As he bent down to savour his glistening lips he saw Justin’s eyes widen in shock. He closed his eyes and took his first taste. The knowledge that he was about to be kissed flooded through Justin like fire. As his body was pressed against Brian’s hard length his first thoughts were of excitement, but they were quickly replaced by nerves and just as swiftly his mind went blank. Justin could not think. He was unsure whether he was breathing, let alone capable of registering what was actually happening. Sensation was the only word he could use to describe this, his first kiss. Later he would hate himself for his inability to recall the precise scent that enveloped him, the taste he drowned in or the exact movement of the lips and tongue that had him captured in this moment. All his strength was lost, all he had went to keep his knees from buckling. Brian savoured the moment. Unsure whether Justin would be letting him kiss him again anytime in the near future he took full advantage of Justin’s surprise. The open mouthed gasp, which he had swallowed in the first seconds permitted him certain freedoms, which he was reluctant to take yet seemed unable to resist. His tongue traced the contours of the mouth, which had so tormented him of late and sucked at the bottom lip of the pout he had been craving. As he dipped in to taste the essence of the man he held, he moaned. He caught Justin’s tongue and sucked on it in an attempt to catch all of his flavour. Brian held him, his arms wrapped around Justin as he cupped his head close so as to have better access to his mouth. Justin’s hands had initially moved to his chest to push him off but they had quickly forgotten why they were there and remained trapped between their bodies. Brian moved his head away and studied Justin’s face in the moments before his absence was noted. Justin’s eyes were closed and his eyelashes fluttered against the pale curve of his cheek as he tried to catch his breath. As Justin regained his senses his eyes opened shyly and Brian was lost within their new fiery intensity. He had had no idea that the colour of Justin’s eyes would change so dramatically when they were laced with lust. Justin held Brian’s gaze as he waited for him to make the next move. Within the clouded remnants of his mind he knew that he did not want to stop but he was also too aware that he did not know how to continue. He let Brian make the decision for him and as their mouths connected again, Justin moved one of his arms to wrap around Brian’s neck, to pull him closer while the other kept its place on his chest, keeping him grounded with the beat of Brian’s heart under his palm. Brian, aware that in the last few minutes’ research had been forsaken for desire and need, allowed Justin to tentatively explore his mouth. He moved his hands down, stroking his back until they encircled Justin’s slight waist. So sweet, so heady this discovery of passion it managed to seduce him in ways he had never imagined. They both lost themselves until Justin’s mind seemed to return, suddenly pulling away, eyes wide with surprise and shock as he took a step back. Brian stood before him, lips shining as his own probably were and his heart beat heavily as he tried to regain his breath. He was still dazed and astounded at his own reaction to this… passion he had never known before… that came to him so naturally… this want and need that had never even occurred to him to think of wanting before… never thought he could crave with such intensity… his confused senses could barely register the simplest of things… he had never had so much of his control disappear so quickly. He feared this. It was dangerous, he realised but he wanted it and he didn’t even know what it was that he wanted. If a kiss could make him lose so much of himself to this man what would happen once he let the rest of himself go? To give Brian all of his trust, enough of his trust that he would allow full access to his own body. Yet he was still wholly ignorant of what he would be giving himself up for. He needed to think. “I… I…?” Brian had watched as questions and confusion flashed across Justin’s gaze. It relieved him that amongst all the upheaval of Justin’s mind it hadn’t occurred to him to be horrified or disgusted. Being so innocent allowed Justin the luxury of ignorance. He was unaware that the choices he would make, the choice to have Brian or never to have him again would affect the rest of his life. He was unaware that if he chose to continue ‘this’ it was probable that he would either face a life of persecution or one of denial. What was strange was that Brian felt that even knowing all this Justin would still choose to follow his heart despite the trials and tribulations that he would face. But maybe that was another kind of innocence, a different sort of naïveté one brought about from never having been witness to hate or pain. Brian would face his own guilty conscience at a later date. He was suddenly, dimly aware that he heard Gus crying. It was possible that the baby had been screaming his lungs out for some time, he had been to busy sampling his sons’… tutor? Cousin? Uncle? They would have to settle on a story soon to explain Justin’s presence in this household. So far they all seemed too clichéd or too incestuous. Unless tomorrow morning began with Justin’s hasty departure, then he wouldn’t even have to worry about it… but something told him that Justin would never deny himself something he wanted and felt was not immoral. It could be said that he was also relying on Justin’s innate curiosity too. “Gus is crying.” Justin’s relief was palpable and Brian saw guilt flash across his features as he took advantage of the distraction that his son provided to escape. “He does that. He is a child after all.” Brian raised one of his eyebrows daring Justin to stay and face all his tremulous emotions. But Justin was too cautious, too wary of his impulses. Justin shut his eyes and sighed in resignation too aware of the risks that his staying would ensure to feel ashamed, “I should see to him.” he turned towards the door and as he pushed it open he hesitated and turned towards him. “Goodnight… Brian.”