Fighting. It seemed that was all we ever did anymore. The worst part was it wasn’t him I was fighting with. It was the drugs, or rather this stupid disease. I was tired of fighting over things with no actual meaning. I was tried of feeling inadequate, like I couldn’t possibly understand anything because I wasn’t positive. But mostly I was tired of sitting back and just watching as he became more and more violent as the days passed. He could beat on me all he wanted, however, when it moved over to my friends, that was a whole other matter. Actually, that’s how tonight’s fight started... Well, maybe his denial played some role. All I know is that now we stood maybe a foot apart in the living room screaming at each other as though we’re holding some competition to see who can belt out whatever meaningless insult, or in my case emotional sentiment the loudest. By now I didn’t really hear what he was saying, but rather playing over the worst case scenarios over and over again in my head. Well, that was until I heard him start a sentence I was praying that I’d never have to hear him say; “Sometimes I just think..” he started. But I wasn’t dumb, and I didn’t need him to finish to know what he meant. So I took this opportunity to take charge of the situation. “What.. You sometimes think what?” I snapped back, hoping that somehow he’d swallow both his pride and words, and back down. But he went on to answer my question, and finish his sentence, “That it may be easier being with someone that’s positive.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, in fact, I wasn’t sure I even heard him right. I just cocked my head to the side slightly and he just stood there, staring at me with those cold blue eyes. It was then I knew that he meant what he said, and there was no way he was backing down, at least while he was in this state of mind. Then the tears started to come, like he’d care, so I did the only thing I could really do, I turned around and ran. I didn’t really care where, I just had to get away from him. But after realizing just where I ended up, the bathroom, I realized my choice wasn’t the wisest. I slammed the door behind myself and quickly locked the door. There was no way I wanted to see him. I put my back against the wooden door and slid down it slowly.. Bawling... I heard the pads of his feet walk across the hard wood floors and into the bedroom and then heard the door slam behind him, obviously he had no remorse for what he had done. But then I remembered I wasn’t fighting with my beloved Ben, but with these stupid steroids. The Ben I fell in love with would never talk like that, would never try and hurt Brian, (even if he ever got jealous) and if he ever made me cry he would never just let me run off and not even try and make things right. I sat in that futile position all night crying, not getting a wink of sleep but just playing over possible solutions to this problem, most ending up in my suicide. Ben had to get rid of all the drugs, because it was getting to the point that he was soon going to have to make the decision between me and them, and I just didn’t know if I was ready to live with his decision if he chose them. Before I knew it, it was morning. Er.. If you call 4:32am actually morning. I don’t think I’ve stayed up like that since that Batman Movie marathon on Cinemax.. I knew he’d be up soon. He liked to hit the gym before he got to Carnegie for his classes lately so if I wanted to sneak out of the house before he was up I’d have to leave now. I got up off the cold linoleum floor and wiped the tears off my face. I was in my sort of pajamas and walking around downtown Pittsburgh at four-thirty in the morning like that wouldn’t come off the best. So, I quickly searched around the bathroom for some means of clothing. I noticed I had left a pair of my pants and an old shirt over the railing of the bathtub, oh the irony. My eyes were burning from the tears so I never really got a chance to see what they really were, I threw them on and left my Pjs in a pile on the floor. Heck, anything was better than wearing them. They were soaked from tears and didn’t really smell the best. I slowly unlocked the door and opened it without making any noise. Then tiptoed over to the front door where I grabbed my jacket from the hanger, unbolted the door, and then walked out without looking back. I found myself meandering around the slummier downtown area for quite sometime until the sun came up, then I moved to the nicer area until I walked into the Liberty Diner. Mom was working there and I’m sure she would be happy to see me. However, I had to make sure that I didn’t tell her anything that was going on. As long as she thought everything was ok, she wouldn’t worry and return with her grudge against Ben. I didn’t want to leave him, but if I had to I will deal with that when the time comes, but for now everything is ok, we’re ok, and we forever will be. But just before I was able to open the door to go in Emmett came running up to me in a panic apparently Ted was going to be in trial today and he wanted some support so I said I’d come with him. I walked into the court house and took a seat with Emmett while the judge made her ruling. Emmett was tense as could be, but really things were a daze to me, that all I could remember is that the judge ruled Teddy guilty. When the case was dismissed Emmett fled to Teddy and I was just sort of left there, I didn’t really seem to mind. I wasn’t exactly important now a days anyway. I left the courthouse, alone. Feeling sort of discarded again.. *************** I quietly walked in the door and took a seat at the booth in the corner of the front window, hopefully I could think of a solution before I had to return home. I drew patterns over the table with my right index finger trying to think of something I could do.. Anything. I was just so upset. I love Ben, I love everything about him, I never want to leave him... There is no quick solution, and I know it’s wouldn’t be easy... I sat in the booth and try to think of a way to get him to understand and a way for him to realize exactly what’s going on. Visions of really kinky sex go through my mind. I want to beat myself for thinking of something like that at such a time. But it’s then I realize that it’s possibly the best solution. What if a condom ‘accidentally’ breaks, or something goes wrong, then I’ll be positive.. . Just like him.. Then there is nothing I won’t understand. I make up my mind, that is the game plan. “Michael....Miiiichaalell” my mom echoes in my ear and I quickly snap out of the erotic fantasies. She makes some comment about how I looked how I did when I was a kid when I used to daydream about my comic books then my uncle Vic walks in and sits across the booth from me. Mom goes on to tell me about how uncle Vic is ‘seeing’ someone and goes on to explain how Ben and I are supposed to be joining them for dinner. I’m not listening really.. There are just too many things on my mind. But to reduce suspicion I make some stupid comments about the Tur-duck-in that Vic claims he will be preparing and say Ben and I will be there to meet Vic’s new boyfriend. I leave the diner and walk around the city some more until I wind up at my comic store. The big sign reading ‘Red Cape Comics’ is starting to get worn, I’m sure I’ll have to get it fixed up some day. I don’t really want to open up shop today. I don’t think its worth it. There are so many memories attached in there... so many memories alright. All involving Ben. From the moment I met him, to the cause of most of our fights. So, I decide to just walk by. No one will care if the store is closed today, and if anyone asks I’ll just explain I was sick. After all, I’m not exactly feeling well right now. Had it been a couple years ago I would probably have found sanctuary in “Buzzy’s” and read some comics until all my problems went away. Then I realized, if it was a couple of years ago none of this would ever be. I would have never bought the store, and I never would have met Ben.. But that still wouldn’t be what I want. I want Ben. I head back home. It’s almost noon and I’m starting to get hungry. Ben shouldn’t be home until 7, and if he has any nerve, he won’t be coming home for lunch today, so I should be safe. I walk up the stairs of the building and down the hall to my door, unlock the door and walk in. I toss my coat on the floor, not caring really where it falls and shut the door behind myself. In the kitchen cupboard I find my comfort food, ‘Capin’ Crunch’. I pour myself a massive bowl and sloppily pour milk all over the cereal spilling all over the counter. I don’t really care right now. In the drawer I find my favourite spoon, with the Spider-man logo printed across the handle that I got with 3 Capin’ Crunch boxtops and dig in as I walk over to the couch. I think about my mom, my family, my friends.. I think about how they would feel to find out that I too am positive. I know my mom couldn’t handle it and it would probably devastate her. Then I realize that my previous plan of going positive would just end up causing more problems than it would solve. Not to mention the fact I don’t particularly want to end my life like that so soon. I turned on the TV, but like usual, daytime programming is nothing but crap. I decide I’m going to give Ben another chance. Tonight when he gets home we’ll just talk and see what we can come about. After finishing my cereal I walked into my room and look around, like usual he didn’t make the bed right so I toss off the pillows and stand on the sheets. I do a couple jumps on the bed before I climb off. He knows that a tightly made bed bothers me. The sheets feel better if they are left loose and clumped. That way they are cold when you get into them and they feel softer. I don’t know, perhaps it’s just my preference. I strip down to my boxers and slid under the covers. I’m so, so tired. I stretched out across the bed... Man.. How long has it been since I was able do to that? And I fell asleep. At around 6 Justin woke me by pounding on the door. I quickly threw some clothes on and ran to the door to answer it. He was really excited to show me the new sketches for RAGE. I really wasn’t in the mood for it, but maybe it would be nice to get things off my mind. We talked for almost an hour with various ideas and concepts with some storylines that he had drawn up. But it wasn’t until he showed me the sketches for ‘Juice Pig’, the villain that I had loosely based on Ben’s recent changes. He looked so mean.. So angry.. So.. So..... much like him lately. I didn’t expect Justin to capture it so perfectly from the basic designs I had told him. Suddenly Ben walks through the door as though nothing was wrong with his bike in hand. I tried to hide all the sketches as fast as I could, but he had to ask Justin what was up, and since I didn’t want to bother Justin with my problems I never told him to be hush-hush. Justin explains that we were working on a new villain for RAGE. He explains the concept a bit and I try to cover it up with some words to make it sound a lot less like I was trying to base it on Ben. However, Ben didn’t buy my words and moved on to change the subject with the news of Ethan’s recent accomplishments and before I know it Justin’s out the door and we’re left alone. Had it been just weeks ago, being alone would have sounded like a novel idea and could resort in a nice evening spent together, however, now it resulted in fear. I was honestly afraid of him. I casually walk to the doorway of the kitchen and bring up the fact we are invited to my mother’s for dinner later this week. But like usual he has some stupid excuse that really means “Fuck you, I’ve got plans.” just a little more bluntly put. He explains he had to work legs with Roy, but still I’m not going to give up that easily. “Could you work legs earlier?” I begged even though I knew it was pointless “Michael, I teach earlier!” he snapped back. It was then I realized it wasn’t going to do much good to argue with him now. It would be like arguing with a drunk, they’ve entered their own world where they aren’t aware of just the depth of what they were saying or doing. Then he changed the subject over to Paul’s memorial service and all the trouble it was to plan that. I offered to help, but like usual I was shot down. Fine. He’s right. It’s not my world. Then I might as well just get out of his. *************** I figure if anyone would be able to help me with the recent changes in Ben, it would be my Uncle Vic, so when he announced he’d be going to the grocery store to collect some items for the dinner tonight I leapt to go with him. We walked out the door and down those old worn away steps and I seriously reconsidered my choice of talking to Vic. But, he’s the closest thing I have to talking to Ben right now, so I tried to build my courage. I made small talk as we walked down the sidewalk. It was quite cold out for this particular spring afternoon. The leafless trees covered a good portion of the front yards and looking at them made it feel as though this stupid winter would never end. This winter and spring had brought nothing but tragedy. From Justin leaving Brian and having to watch him slowly waste away not letting any of us get close to him, to Emmett and Ted becoming a couple. I know it’s not exactly a tragedy, but still, it makes me feel uncomfortable to know my two best friends are fucking each other. We arrive at the store and Vic leaves me for a moment to grab a shopping cart. Once inside the store I try to explain my situation but he’s not too much help. His best advice is that it’ll pass.. But I can’t help but not believe him. *************** I arrived at my mother’s early that night. When Ben didn’t walk in behind me, mom and Vic rose suspicion, but before either could open their mouth to speak I saw the man sitting on the banana yellow couch with his head turned over his shoulder so I made my way over to him to introduce myself. I sat down beside him and put a friendly smile on my face. Normally it wouldn’t require much effort, but considering how everything is just falling apart right now, smiling isn’t exactly easy. “Hello. I’m Michael, Vic’s nephew.” I say, my voice cracking half way. “Ah, Michael.” he starts “I’ve heard so much about you. Oh please excuse me. I’m Rodney.” He gets up from his seat on the couch and I rise to my feet to meet him. “And I’ve nothing but good about yourself.” I lie and with a chuckle he walks over and into the kitchen to help Vic give the finishing touches to dinner. Then I’m approached by probably the last person I want to be telling about my relationship problems. My mother. She comes just two inches away from my face and whispers calmly, “Where’s Ben?” I hesitate for a moment but realizing the truth would just result in a giant guilt trip “He’s .. Uh. . Got a heavy workload at school again.. The semester is wrapping up..” I stutter.. But before I can finish she just cups my chin and looks me in the eye. “Shhh.. It’s ok honey, I understand.” she whispers sympathetically and walks over to the set table and takes her place at the end seat. I decide it may be wise if I just go and sit down too. Vic and Rodney were already placing the platters of Vic’s hard labour onto the perfectly set doilies on the table. We dig in. After a while of my moms non-stop chatter I think it’s about time that Rodney tells us a little about himself and make her stop for a moment. I ask if he’d be as to kind to tell us how he and Vic met. He tells us about the fateful encounter that one night at the pos-mens group. Then he says that he had thought it was a good idea if he had started to date men who were also positive. My heart sank and I casually asked why. His answer didn’t exactly make me feel any better. Claiming that it’s much easier if positive men keep to positive men because there is no need to explain and thing can run much smoothly. I look down at plate and stare at the remaining bits of pouched pear, trying to fight back the tears. “Do you mind if I ask.. Are you..” he starts, seeing that he has somehow made some mistake in his speech. But before I can answer, my mother jumps in for me, “No, but his boyfriend is.” It was then I realized that maybe she really did understand what was going on at home and maybe I should have talked to her about it earlier.. But that’s all water under the bridge now. Rodney, realizing his mistakes, tries to retract his previous comments but I know that he means well so I just try to explain. “No, it’s ok. I’m sure there’s a lot of things I’ll never understand. But its not for a lack of trying.” Then the teary feeling comes again and I look back down at the remains of the bloody pear and start to pick at it with a fork. The dinner table is silent after this. I stay for a little while after dinner, but it is my mother that realizes just how upset I am. She tells me to get going and get home because I don’t look so hot, and walks me to the door. As I grab my coat from the closet to the left of the door she talks in that calm voice again, “You know Michael,” she starts “You’ve always got this home to come back to.” I just give a weak halfhearted smile and walk out the door. I don’t even get down the forth step on the porch and I start bawling. I’m pretty sure that mom can probably hear me, and I know I’m probably breaking her heart so I run as fast as I can down the street to spare her the grief of watching me slowly kill my spirit. I finally arrive home and I fumble with the apartment key as I try and catch my breath. Finally, after what seems like an eternity I open the door and walk in. I wipe the freezing cold tears from my face with the sleeve of my jacket and then walk deeper into the apartment. I take off my jacket and put it on the couch beside me as I take a seat and place my head in my hands. I see the phone in the corner of my eye on the wall to my right.. I contemplate whether or not to call Brian, but at a second thought think better of it. He’d be more than happy to give me advice I don’t want to hear. And what does he know about relationships anyway? It’s not like he’s ever had one! . .. Well I really shouldn’t say things like that. He’s been devastated since Justin found Ethan. The stupid retro alarm clock goes off in my bedroom. I can hear the faint buzz on the left side of my head. It’s already eight o’clock that means. I know that because I set that buzzer to go off when reruns of the old animated Spider-man comes on. But to hell with it tonight. I open those white French doors and walk over to Ben’s side of the bed. I watch it blankly for a minute then realize just what time it is. Ben should have been home hours ago. At that throw it across the room and it hits the wall but doesn’t quite break. It is then I realize I’m alone.. And there isn’t a light on in the apartment. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if I left the front door open. I walk out of the room and into the bathroom. With my left hand I feel around on the wall for the light switch and when I do and see the reflection staring back at me, I sort of wished I hadn’t. I looked as though I was hit by a truck. Exhausted, miserable, emotionally lost, broken spirit.. I couldn’t possibly look worse. That’s when I saw it, my little retaliation aid staring me right in the face. I bend down to pick up the used syringe and closely examined it carefully before letting out a hysterical laugh. And I’ve snapped. My face lit up, and it’s probably the first time I’ve really smiled in days even if the smile was out of insanity instead of happiness. I turn off the light and stager into the living room and throw myself into my favourite chair in the right corner of the room. I sit there looking at the syringe in the dark for a good half hour before I hear the front door open and Ben walks in with his bike. I know he doesn’t see me. Knowing that I can see him and he couldn’t see me gave me a certain sense of power over him. But after not even 10 seconds our eyes meet and he jumps back slightly and I know I’ve been spotted. “What are you doing sitting in the dark?” he asks in a voice that sounds as though its half full of fear. “Waiting for you..” I say softly hiding the syringe. “I told you..” he starts to make up an excuse, but I still have my boost of courage. “Legs.. I know..” “So.. What’s Vic’s new boyfriend like?” he asks casually, as though he’s never done anything wrong. “They’re so alike its uncanny.” I say, trying to put my plan into place. I wasn’t exactly lying. They were alike in almost everyway. “Same interests? Same temperament?” he asks walking into the doorway of the kitchen “Same disease.. They’re both positive..” Then my plan falls into place and I take the syringe out so he can see and fumble around with it looking at it as though it was a nuclear bomb. Really, that’s what it is. One wrong move and everything is destroyed, at least when it comes to my life. “Where did you get that?” he asks not quite sure if he’s actually witnessing this. “I found it..” I play with it a little more. “Wrapped up in the garbage” He started to get a little nervous, “Michael.. Michael.. I’ve used that... Just put it down.” Yeah, now he was concerned about me. Oh Ben, I wish I could. I wish I could just go back to being silent and going along with everything, but I cant. This needs to be said. This needs to be done. “You know, seeing Vic and his new boyfriend made me think. Maybe you should be with a pos-guy..” I took a deep look at the syringe in front of me. “No, no.. I ..was upset when I said that,” He tried to explain. “I... I didn’t mean..” “Maybe that pos-guy should be me.” I pressed the needle against my wrist. “Michael please!” he begged jumping closer. I could see the distress in his eyes. But that wasn’t enough. He has to sense the kind of fear that I’ve been faced with for the past weeks. The sense of worry that has drove me out of my mind. “Please what?” I ask softly. “All it’d take is a quick jab in the vein. It’d be over in a flash. Then I’d be just like you.” the point of the needle was digging softly into my flesh. Enough to leave a mark, but not enough to actually break through. “I don’t want you to be like me.” it was almost a plea. I finally take a hold of the situation and my voice shows the sadness and rage that I’ve been keeping bottled up inside. “You said you want someone who knows what you’re going through. That wakes up everyday and suddenly remembers ‘Oh yeah, I’ve got this thing.’ That thinks that every time he gets a cold .. Or the flu he thinks “Oh yeah, this is the end.’” I take a slight pause to take in exactly what I’m saying, “Who’s filled the resentment that he can never have kids and who has to shoot himself up with steroids because his lover dies and is scared shitless that he’s next. And has to drive away the person he loves and who loves him because he doesn’t understand!” I take the needled and press it tighter to my wrist, “Well now I will!” “Jesus.. Michael would you just.. STOP!” he screams out of fear and anger. “No, you stop!” I stand up and look him directly in the eyes, “Stop hurting yourself, and stop hurting us!” I slam the syringe on the table and storm off into my bedroom slamming the two French doors behind me. I rummage through my drawers for a pair of pyjamas and quickly through them on. I hear the television turn on and I hear footsteps on the hard wood floor. If he has any nerve he won’t come in here tonight, although I half wish he would come apologize and explain everything will be alright. But I’m tired of waiting for him. I turn off the light and crawl into my bed. *************** I wake up to see him standing in front of the bed looking into the mirror to fix his tie. At first I don’t understand but then I remember Paul’s memorial service. “‘Didn’t mean to wake you.” he apologizes after seeing my stir in the reflection of the mirror. “I was already up,” I explain trying to wake up a bit “I didn’t get much sleep.” He turns around and looks at me, “Yeah, me either.” I blink once or twice getting my eyes to focus. “So, who told you to sleep on the sofa?” I ask rhetorically. “Well after what you said..” he started. I sat up, “I meant it.” and started to stumble out of bed. “Look baby, I’m going to have a hard enough day.” he tried to explain, “Seeing all those guys with their sunken cheeks..” “Well at least you’re not one of them.” I interrupt coldly as I walk past him into the bathroom. He follows me and explains how he’s stopped using the steroids and apologizes. Well good for him. But that’s not what I’m holding out for an apology for. “What then?” he asks, after seeing that I’m not completely satisfied. “You’re the brainy professor, you figure it out.” I snap. He can figure this one out on his own. If I had to tell him, then there is no way he’ll see exactly what he’s done. “Look, I’m sorry for saying I should find someone who’s positive. That was the drug talking.” How could he make excuses for that? There is nothing on this cold world that could make someone say something so horrible to someone they love. “No, it was you” I start to feel that horrible anger building up again. “ Don’t make excuses, if that’s what you want, then do it!” “That’s not what I want,” he insists “I want you.” “At nine o’clock Tuesday morning? How about ten?” I ask as the anger starts to fall. “I feel the same way at ten, and eleven, and twelve.” “You really going to stop?” I ask not so quite sure. “I already have.” I just stare at him trying to see whether or not I can believe him, “Now, why don’t you go get dressed and come with me?” I can’t believe he’s asking me. I want nothing more than to say ‘Yes Ben! There is nothing I want more than to be with you in your time of need.’ but I hold back. “It’s not my world.” I shake my head, “I don’t belong there.” He takes a step forward and I hear that voice that I thought I had lost forever, that voice full of honestly and trust. That voice full of compassion and that voice full of love. “You belong with me.” He places his hand on my face and I feel those damned tears again.. This is all I wanted. This is all I need.