Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay. It was a cold day in November when they buried my best friend. The dried out red and yellow leaves danced about in the wind, the trees almost bare. He would have loved to sit on a park bench and sketch the scene unfolding before him. But instead of sitting there with him, babbling on about my boyfriend of the week, him giving me a small smile in return, I’m here, at Ascension Cemetery; watching my adopted family mourn over our “Sunshine” who is currently being lowered into the damp earth. I scan the crowd of darkly clothed people and I know it wasn’t supposed to be this way. What the fuck God? Why the hell did you have to take him away from us now? Why are you being so selfish? We NEED him. I need him. Across from me his mom and Debbie are holding each other while letting out choked sobs. Debbie’s looking very, normal, as normal as one can look while mourning one of her babies; she decided to forgo the red wig and has no makeup on. I notice his father didn’t bother to show up and I am glad. That bastard never deserved to know Justin. Next to me is Brian. He’s taking this the worst of all our little fucked up group, obviously. Yea, I’ve known Justin since first grade and we have always been there for each other, he was my best friend. But nothing can compare to the love those two shared, I guess I am a little jealous. I’m not his best friend anymore, Brian was. Brian, for the first time in my life, looks like absolute shit. His usually perfect hair is disheveled; he can’t stop running his fingers through it. His face is pale, his hazel orbs bloodshot, and he can’t seem to keep the silent tears from streaming down his beautiful face. Jesus fucking Christ God, why’d it have to be him!? They had just gotten back together for fucks sake. They survived the bashing, the fiddler, Stockwell, Brian’s cancer, and now this?? Couldn’t you have given the kid a break? The doctors said that the head trauma from the car crash and the bashing combined to kill him. Brian collapsed when the doctor told us, I just stood there stock still, I was transported back to that goddamn parking garage six years ago, the hem of my dress getting soaked in his blood. Ben picked a sobbing Brian up off the cold linoleum floor and he and Michael took him home. He hasn’t come out of the loft since, except for the wake and funeral. I guess we were all afraid to check on him, we just might find him hanging from the rafter by that slightly less white scarf again. Ashes to Ashes Dust to Dust Somehow we’ll continue on. Debbie and Jennifer will throw themselves into campaigns against drunk driving, I doubt it’ll help much. Emmett will go on blazing, but slightly subdued for awhile. Ted will just be Ted, ever depressing and boring. Ben will meditate, celebrating the time he spent with Justin instead of the time he lost in a true Buddhist fashion. Michael will try to help Brian get through this and fail miserably, being pushed away because he just isn’t Justin. Lindsay thinks this is partly her fault, she had asked Justin to pick up Gus from daycare that fateful day. Mel will try to make her see and accept that it’s not her fault, and I’m guessing that she will eventually. Brian? He looks so lost staring off into the distance. Dear God help him. I heard that his mother stopped by to tell him that Justin should burn in hell for what he was, and Brian slapped her and told her to get out. I hope that went well with little Joany, god I hate that bitch. Brian is barely holding on. He is wearing Justin’s favorite blue scarf, and every so often he brings it up to his nose in hopes that Justin’s smell will still be there. I have no prediction of what he will do. And me? I haven’t the slightest clue. Even though I want to scream and kick and cry, I know it will do no good. Ben hands me a tissue apparently I’m crying too. It reminds me of that Robert Frost poem, Nothing Gold can Stay. I guess the sun can’t stay out forever.