Well I'm back and here is an update. I hope you enjoy it. Happy 4th of July! Be safe and have fun! A huge thanks for Lois for her wonderful beta skills. I made some additions after her final check so please excuse any typos you find. They are my oversight and have nothing to do with Lois and her fabulous job! PART 4 “Is that Brian Fucking Kinney?” Debbie greeted the men as they entered the Diner. “Debbie.” Brian raised an eyebrow feeling the eyes of the other patrons following him as they made their way to the usual booth. Brian picked up on a few of the comments as he passed. ‘In a relationship…..dumped him…..not in New York…older guy….not the same…’ Brian met a few of the gazes purposely, refusing to look away. It has been almost two years since he and Justin had parted ways. Surely, the Liberty Diner crowd had something else to chew on by now. “Still the center of attention.” Emmett rose from a booth in the back and pushed Michael to the inside as he took a seat across from Brian. “What brings you back to grace us with your presence?” “Brian missed us. Didn’t you Brian?” Michael offered, trying to make things easier for his friend. “I don’t smell moth balls so I’m assuming you left the crypt keeper at home.” Emmett persisted. “Emmett.” Michael warned. Brian glanced up, meeting Emmett’s gaze. “You’re right, Michael.” Emmett concede, looking away then directing his attention back to Brian. “After all we can’t help who we love, isn’t that right Brian?” Brian didn’t respond, focusing on the menu instead. He knew what Emmett was referring to. Emmett had been in the backroom when Brian had rescued Justin. He’d also witnessed what had occurred immediately after the rescue when Brian had given into his lingering feelings for the blond. “Well, well, well.” Ted’s voice interrupted Brian’s thoughts. “Ted, pathetic as ever.” Brian quipped. “Steve in for a hip replacement?” Ted ventured. “Enough with the age cracks.” Brian warned the other men. “You never seemed to mind it when we were giving you shit about Justin’s age?” Michael argued. “That was different.” Brian explained. “Have you ever considered dating someone your own age?” Ted picked up a menu and began perusing it. “I don’t date.” Brian shrugged. “Right.” Emmett met his gaze once more. “You just fuck men, then live with them.” “What’ll it be?” Deb asked, appearing on the scene. Each man placed his order then handed over the menus. An uncomfortable silence fell over the group. “How long will you be in town for?” Michael asked, sipping his water. “Just a few days.” Brian replied. “Why are you here?” Emmett asked, no longer feeling the need to challenge the man. “I just needed some space.” Brian offered. “Things not going so well?” Ted inquired, something in his eyes causing Brian to suspect that perhaps Emmett hadn’t kept his mouth shut about the events that had transpired in the backroom. “I’m not sure.” Brian admitted. “Have you spoken to Justin?” Emmett volleyed. “Yes, I spoke to him this week. He was going to come to the city to work on a project for us, but then at the last minute the work was canceled.” Brian stated in a matter of fact manner. “How is he?” Emmett continued. “He moved in with Stanford.” Brian reported. “Good for him.” Ted surmised, then taking the temperature of the table, tempered his remark. “I mean, it is good for him, right?” “I guess.” Emmett offered. “I mean if you can’t love the one you want, love the one you’re with, right Brian?” Brian pointedly refused to respond. “You know, it’s okay to admit you were wrong.” Ted ventured. “We’ve all made mistakes.” “Who said I made a mistake?” Brian challenged. “Oh come on, Brian.” Michael jumped in. “We all know. It’s obvious you still love him.” “So you fucked up.” Ted added. “It’s not too late to go back and fix things.” “Who said I want to fix things?” Brian demanded. Deb arrived with their order. “So you’d rather be unhappy.” Deb bit as she placed the plates on the table. “Can we talk about something else?” Brian asked, eye brows raised. “I didn’t come here for the fifth degree.” He picked up his fork and touched his food then set the fork down, opting for his glass of water instead. “I obviously didn’t come here for the food either.” Michael smiled as he dug into his eggs. Ted began stirring his oatmeal while Emmett continued to consider Brian for a moment longer before he finally shifted his attention to his own plate. Something was different. Brian’s hadn’t used his typical, acidic arsenal of weapons to defend against them. There had been no stab at Ted’s run in with rehab. He’d failed to call Emmett a queen or Michael pathetic. Emmett took a bite of his impossible pancakes contemplating this change in tactics by the ad man. Taking in the sorrow he could now see in the older man’s gaze, Emmett realized that Brian had finally come to the conclusion that not only had he made a mistake but even worse he’d waited too long to fix it. …… “This is Professor Bruckner.” Ben answered the phone as he glanced over one of the many papers he still had to grade before the end of the day. “Ben?” Justin’s voice surprised him. Ben cleared his throat and sat up straighter as he responded. “Justin? Are you okay?” It was so odd for the blond to be calling him. “I’m fine. I,” Justin paused. “I tried reaching Michael but he wasn’t at the shop. I was hoping you might know where I can find him.” Ben pressed his lips together as he considered his reply. “He’s probably with Brian.” He closed his eyes, wondering if he just did the right thing by bringing up Justin’s ex. The long silence added to Ben’s unease. “Oh.” Justin finally offered. “I didn’t know he..” His voice trailed off before coming back. “What’s Brian doing back?” ”I’m not sure. Michael just called a little while ago and said that Brian showed up today.” Ben pushed the pile of papers aside realizing he needed to concentrate on his friend instead. “Do you have Michael’s cell?” “It’s going straight to voice mail.” Justin absently explained, his thoughts clearly somewhere else. “Is this something you want to talk to me about?” Ben asked, feeling slightly uncomfortable. He’d known Justin for years and yet they had never really shared very much one on one time. He had always felt certain, had the circumstances been different, he and Justin very likely would have wound up together at least once, possibly more; but that ship, like so many others, had sailed. He was now content to refer to that lost opportunity from time to time when he opted to recast the lead in one of his favorite sexual fantasies. “I just need some advice. Do you have the time?” Justin asked, his voice sounding so young and hesitant. Ben knew that he didn’t really have the time but couldn’t bear to turn the other man down. “All the time in the world.” He offered, refusing to acknowledge the huge stack on his desk. “Shoot.” He heard Justin sigh deeply before launching. “I think I’m not being fair to Tyler.” Justin admitted. “Fair how?” Ben leaned back further in his chair, settling in. “I think I moved in too soon. I’m not ready for this. I’m not over Brian.” He blurted out quickly, like ripping off a bandage fast to minimize the pain. “Justin, Brian is living with—“ “Steve.” Justin finished the statement for Ben. “I know that. I know it’s over. I know he and Steve are together, but Brian being with Steve has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’m not over him. They aren’t related. They are totally independent of each other.” “You and Tyler seemed so good together, Justin. I hate to see you lose him because of some hope—“ “I don’t hope anymore. I don’t even know if I would want to be with Brian again, but that has nothing to do with the fact that I still love him.” Justin tried to explain. “I know Tyler is good for me. I realize that he is a great guy.” Justin rolled his lips into his mouth as he tried to sort out his thoughts from his feelings. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.” Ben honestly confessed. “I’m not sure what I want you to say either.” Justin admitted with a small laugh. “I think I want you to tell me what to do.” “You’ve never wanted anyone to do that.” Ben laughed and Justin joined him for a moment before sobering once more. “I don’t want to hurt Tyler.” His voice was iron. “He doesn’t deserve to be hurt and I think that’s what I’m going to wind up doing. What if he is the one? What if I lose him because of my inability to just move on and really let go of Brian?” “No one said love was easy, Justin. No one ever said it was a safe or risk free adventure.” Ben offered, his voice soft with understanding. “I think just from what I’ve been through that it’s more important that I be honest with Tyler, even if it winds up costing me any chance of a future with him. Even if it isn’t what he might want to hear. He needs to hear the truth. It’s the only way he’ll continue to trust me.” Justin paused as he gained more clarity. “I have to let go of any hope of having a future with Tyler in order to have any hope of having a future with him.” Justin was starting to accept what he had to do in order to be fair to Tyler. Ben shook his head trying to make sense of what Justin was working through. He knew what the blond was saying. “If he cares for you, he’ll respect you for being honest.” Ben encouraged. “That doesn’t mean he’ll understand.” Justin worried his lip as he considered Tyler’s reaction. “You have to do what you feel is right, Justin. You can’t worry about Tyler’s reaction. You can’t control how he will react.” Ben sagely chimed. “I know you don’t like to think about this, but remember how you felt when you discovered that Brian wasn’t being honest with you.” ”I felt like such a fucking loser.” Justin spat, then after a moment continued in a calmer tone. “I guess I am still angry about all that. I tell myself I’m over it but I’m not. I still feel so betrayed and stupid for the way I followed Brian around like some puppy. Steve was so insanely mature about the whole thing.” Justin growled, angry once more. “I think you are right on target about the unresolved feelings.” Ben declared. “I also believe that unless you deal with them, that they will stand between you and whatever future men you allow in your life.” “Thanks Ben.” Justin smiled. “You really helped me.” “Well, I’m not as good at this sort of thing as Michael.” Ben admitted good naturedly. “I think you did a great job. You didn’t tell me what to do. You realized that I already knew the right decision, so you let me make it myself. Hunter is lucky that you’re his father.” Justin replied. “Thanks Justin, that means a lot. I hate to rush you off the phone but I actually do have some papers that I need to grade.” Ben was relieved that he had helped but also that he was going to have some time to get through the stack staring him down from his desk. “Oh, sure.” Justin felt bad about pulling Ben away from his work. “Tell Michael I’ll talk to him soon.” “Anything you want me to tell Brian?” Ben curiously asked. “Just tell him I said hello and I hope things are working out for he and Steve.” Justin offered. “I’ll talk to you soon.” “Great. Come see us.” Ben smiled then disconnected. He turned his attention back to his desk but not before he glanced at the framed portrait of his family. Michael was staring up at him. They were happy. Life was good. Ben had honestly believed when Brian asked Justin to move to New York to be with him that things were going to work out for the couple. Now, things were so different. Brian was with Steve. Justin was moving on but obviously still struggling with residual emotions surrounding the break up. The blond had been through a lot in a short period of time. It was normal that he would need time to process everything. Ben hoped for Justin’s sake that Tyler would understand. ….. “So, do you have to rub him down with Ben Gay after?” Hunter quipped as he reached for the bowl of potatoes. Brian watched as the teen piled an enormous pile on his plate before grabbing the other bowl of gravy. “Hunter, slow down.” Ben warned. “I bet eating isn’t the only thing you manage to do too quickly.” Brian offered, tongue in cheek. Hunter stuck out his tongue then realized that he’d just proven he was as immature as Brian had alluded. “Don’t you want some dinner?” Michael asked as he shoved a plate in Brian’s face. “No thank you.” Brian politely declined. “I’m still trying to recover from lunch at the Diner.” “That must be where you two were when Justin called.” Ben offered as he passed the salad to Michael. The table went silent as both Michael and Brian focused on the professor. “Justin called?” Brian asked before Michael had the chance. Ben raised his brows then recovered enough to nod. Clearly Justin wasn’t the only person struggling with residual feelings. “What did he want?” Michael glanced between Brian and his partner. “To speak with you.” Ben took a sip of his tea considering what he’d just read on Brian’s face. He needed time to reconcile what Justin had offered with what he’d just discovered about Brian’s feelings. “I don’t have the next storyline completed yet—“ He began “It wasn’t about Rage. He just needed to talk. I listened.” Ben shrugged, feeling the weight of both Michael and Brian’s gazes. “He isn’t knocked up, is he?” Brian attempted humor but it fell flat. Ben considered Brian for a moment, feeling a surprising amount of compassion given the fact that Brian had managed to create this heartache by his own actions. “No,” Ben offered, still holding the other man’s gaze. “He isn’t, but he is still living with Tyler.” It wasn’t a lie but it also wasn’t the truth. Yes, Justin was living with Tyler but was, no doubt,considering moving out. Ben didn’t feel it was his place to reveal anymore than he had. “That’s nice.” Hunter chimed in. “You’re better off without him.” Hunter offered. “What the fuck do you know about it?” Brian uncharacteristically snapped, then shook his head. “That wasn’t what I meant—“ “Don’t worry about it.” Hunter dismissed him. “I know you still have the hots for him. I’ll just never understand why.” He dug back into his food, clearly hiding his embarrassment for being jumped on. “It isn’t any of your business.” Michael offered, then met his best friend’s gaze. “It’s between Brian and Justin.” “And Tyler and Steve.” Ben added casually. “I’m going to go see Gus.” Brian announced as he stood and moved away from the table. “I’ll go with you—“ Michael offered. “No.” Brian stopped him. “I want to go alone.” Michael pulled up short, returning to his seat. “Finish your dinner. I’ll be back later.” He grabbed his jacket and was gone. “He’s hurting.” Michael announced to no one in particular. “So is Justin.” Ben admitted now that Brian was gone. “What did he say?” Michael asked picking at his food, clearly disinterested in it. “I think he’s going to move out of Tyler’s house. He said he is still in love with Brian and doesn’t feel it is fair to lead Tyler on.” Ben pushed his plate aside, satiated. “Why didn’t you tell Brian that?” Michael demanded. “You see how much he misses him.” “Because if Justin wants Brian to know, he’ll call him.” Ben’s reply was firm. “No he won’t. He thinks Brian is still with Geezer Steve.” Hunter mumbled. “I have to talk to Justin.” Michael stood. “Michael—“ Ben warned. “He needs to know. It’s the least I can do after what has happened to him.” He disappeared up the stairs leaving Hunter and Ben staring at one another, clearly in agreement that Michael was about to make things a lot more complicated for both Brian and Justin. … “He’s really grown!” Brian observed, picking up Gus and flying him through the air. Gus squealed with delight then asked for more. Lindsay laughed, her heart bubbling over with joy, watching father and son spending time together. “Yes, he’s going through clothes faster than I thought humanly possible.” She offered softly. “Remind me to leave a check.” Brian replied as he spun the boy again. Lindsay nodded. Brian was so different here in her backyard than he’d been the last couple of times that she’d seen him. He seemed younger, less weighed down by life or unhappiness, she wasn’t sure which. “Everything okay in New York?” She asked, trying to be cool but failing as always. Brian shook his head glancing over at her. “No, Mom, things aren’t good in New York; that’s why I’m here.” He shrugged. “Problems with Steve?” She ventured. “He was fucking around on me. Can you believe that? He gave me tons of shit about fidelity and then fucks around on me.” Brian shook his head. “It was humiliating.” “Well, that isn’t exactly the word Justin used, but I think it’s close.” She sagely countered. “I know, I know.” Brian shook his head as he took a red ball and began throwing it to Gus. “I was a shit. I think that’s been firmly established.” “You miss him?” Lindsay asked as she continued to push herself in the swing. “Steve?” Brian asked innocently. “No, Justin.” She laughed. “Yes.” His honesty surprised and touched her. He had to be in a different place, a more mature place emotionally, to offer that admission. “Have you tried talking to him?” She suggested. “Lindsay, he’s happy. Why would I dare mess that up for him? I’ve done enough.” Brian sighed, the weight of resignation heavy upon him. “He’s better off without me.” “Don’t you think that should be his decision?” Lindsay pushed off of the swing to fetch the ball that Gus had thrown off course. Retrieving the toy she continued on to her friend. “You owe him that much, Brian.” “I owe him what? The opportunity to know that I still want him? I gave him that.” Lindsay seemed surprised. “I offered during the summer, he wasn’t interested. He moved in with Stanford.” He took the ball. “Frow it Daddee.” Gus commanded. Brian obeyed. “You think you have it all figured out, don’t you?” Lindsay fixed her hands on her hips. “You know the one thing your relationship with Justin always lacked?” Brian refused to take the bait, choosing instead to remain silent. Lindsay continued undeterred. “It was mutual respect. Justin respected you but you never respected him.” “That’s bullshit.” Brian animatedly defended. “Really? Name one time you let Justin call the shots? You know, one time you didn’t manipulate him to get him to choose the path you thought was best for him?” Brian furrowed his brow. He wanted to argue but at the moment, he couldn’t recall. “I let him dance at Babylon.” He finally spat. “Yes, you did.” She admitted. “I stand corrected. You let him make one decision.” Brian rolled his lips into his mouth considering her argument. It was true. Even in New York he’d called the shots, he’d made the decision to stay with Justin after his first encounter with Steve. Justin had seemed left out of that process even though he should have been half of the resolution. “So what do you suggest?” He turned, confronting his friend, clearly willing to listen. Lindsay softened, brushing his hair from his forehead and gently caressing his cheek. She’d loved him once and still did. “Give him the chance to make this decision. Give him the choice and then accept whatever it is that he chooses. Trust him, Brian. You owe him that.” She smiled and was relieved when Brian’s lips curved upward in reply. He nodded once then turned to resume the game with his son. ……. “Hey.” Tyler slid his arms around the blond kissing the back of his neck. Justin leaned back into the man’s touch still staring out over the countryside from the second story terrace. “Penny for your thought.” Justin could feel the man’s smile against his skin and felt his heart sink further in response. He’d been thinking of Brian. He always found himself thinking of Brian. He’d hoped that in time the thoughts would drift away, maybe even disappear from his daily life just as the man himself had, but now over a year later Justin was beginning to realize that perhaps there were just some things that he could never recover from. Surely, if nothing else, the slight tremor in his hand from time to time would prove evidence of the limitations of the human healing process. “Justin?” Tyler’s voice now held a note of concern. The blond twisted back meeting the man’s lips in a soft kiss. It was merely a greeting and obviously not meant to lead to anything more at the moment. “You okay?” Tyler asked. “You aren’t still pissed about Ken Reynolds, are you?” The older man sighed, refusing to release his grip on the blond’s waist. He understood why Justin resented his meddling, even if he did consider Justin’s reaction a bit overblown. “No, I’m not angry.” Justin’s voice was low. Tyler strained to hear it. “Then what is it? Spill?” He insisted. Justin didn’t want to spill. How could possibly explain that he was frustrated with his life. He wanted things to be different. He wanted to be different. He wanted to shut his eyes, make a wish then open them and find that all his lingering feelings for Brian had disappeared. He wanted to feel for Tyler the way he felt for Brian, but the harder he tried to make that happen the more it eluded him. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew Tyler was good to him, he knew Tyler loved him. Why couldn’t he love him back? Why couldn’t he move on? “How was your day?” Justin attempted to change the subject brightening slighly. “Good.” Tyler allowed the shift but made a mental note to come back to whatever was troubling the blond before the night was out. “What do you want to do for dinner?” “I’m not really hungry.” Justin reluctantly admitted. Now Tyler was certain that something was bothering the young man. Leaving one last kiss on the blond’s head, Tyler left him on the terrace. “I’m going to see what’s in the fridge.” He called over his shoulder as he headed out of the master bedroom then down the stairs. Once he arrived in the kitchen he leaned against the counter for a moment. Rubbing his temples, he realized that he couldn’t fault Justin for being distant. He knew that he too, was more than a little preoccupied. Ever since his meeting with Ken, Tyler hadn’t been able to get the older man out of his thoughts. All day old memories long banished to dark corners on his mind, had managed to resurface along with a deepening awareness that perhaps Tyler still cared for Ken Reynolds. What did that mean? Tyler wondered as he opened the refrigerator and stared blankly at the contents. Ken had readily admitted the depth of his own feelings. He’d actually called Tyler the love of his life. Was that true? Did people truly have one love for a lifetime? Tyler had been so young back then, so inexperienced. Ken had been Tyler’s first substantial relationship. Oh, sure Tyler had been with men before. He played the clubs, fucked around, even had a few repeats, but never anything beyond a casual fuck buddy. Ken had been different. He’d been caring, funny, interesting, and stable. Stability wasn’t something that Tyler had been familiar with. He’d come from a less than ideal upbringing. Parents whose idea of communicating with each other and their offspring involved either screaming or threats, most of the time both. Tyler had bolted from his childhood home at the first opportunity at escape. A scholarship to Dartmouth, it had been his saving grace. Manipulating Ken for the grade had come as naturally as breathing. It was only later, after the grade had been altered, that Tyler had abandoned the relationship, but not out of disinterest. That was what he’d told himself at the time, but Tyler had realized on a deeper level even back then, that it hadn’t been for lack of love that he’d left Ken. No, he’d left in order to escape the paralyzing fear of getting too attached to the older man. Yes, Ken Reynolds had not merely been a means to an end for Tyler. He’d been the first glimpse of happiness, acceptance, and security. Over the years Tyler had found himself dwelling on those happy months they’d spent together but each time the overwhelming sense of shame at how he’d treated the man would rise up and crush any chance to reconnect. Thinking back, Tyler recognized now that the way Ken had looked at him, whether it was across their dining table or the sheets, was different from any other man, even Justin. It was the same look the older man had fixed on him today in his office. Had Justin ever looked at him the way Ken did? Tyler didn’t really want to answer that question. Justin was affectionate, caring, but something was missing between them. Tyler knew what was missing. It was that part of Justin that Brian Kinney still managed to possess. Tyler was beginning to wonder if Justin was ever going to be able to move forward. He’ been so hopeful when the blond had first moved in, but now he was starting to doubt that Justin would ever get over Brian. What’s worse, Tyler was starting to doubt if Justin wanted to get over Kinney. Brian Kinney, Tyler shook his head as he moved a few items around in the fridge. Was that what was bothering Justin? Was it that Brenner had rescinded the offer to come to New York? Did he miss Kinney that badly that he’d sulk over a missed opportunity to see the man? God, but Tyler was sick of Brian Kinney and his continued haunting of their growing relationship. For a man who was clearly history for the blond, he had a contemporary feel. “Tyler?” Justin startled the older man as he closed the refrigerator door and focused on Justin as the blond entered the room. Justin didn’t say another word. He moved to Tyler with a determination Tyler hadn’t seen in weeks. One minute he was thinking about supper and the next he found himself pressed to the refrigerator getting the most incredible blow job of his life. He lowered his hand and ran his fingers through the thick, blond hair encouraging Justin to go deeper. He felt more than heard the blond moan, triggering his orgasm. Moment’s later the blond was on his feet tearing off the remainder of Tyler’s clothes with a ferocity that initially was flattering but quickly gave way to frantic desperation. Tyler began working to stop the hands as they deftly worked buttons. “Justin.” He pleaded, searching for the inner strength to pull away. “Justin.” He called again, this time more insistent, but still the blond ignored his request. “Stop.” He whispered as lips found his once more. Tyler allowed the kiss even as his instincts were sending up warning signals. Breaking for air Tyler tried once more, “Justin, stop.” But still the blond persisted. “STOP!” Tyler pushed him away, shocking the younger man. “I said to fucking stop!” Tyler demanded even as he noted the vivid despair in the blond’s gaze. No, this was nothing like the way Ken had gazed at him early. “What’s wrong?” Justin worried his lip. “Don’t you want me?” He asked tentatively. Tyler continued to sort through the emotions he read in the blond. The longer he studied Justin, the more he felt convinced that this was not what he wanted. This of course not being limited to merely a rejection of sex alone, but perhaps also encompassing the relationship as a whole. Staring at Justin who seemed to be fighting his way through the motions, Tyler was struck by the epiphanic realization that he was settling, something he’d never thought he would do. “What the fuck is up?” The older man hissed. Justin looked away, reluctant to answer. Tyler sighed then began dressing himself. “Is that what Brian would let you do? Did you fuck instead of talk?” Tyler spat. “I’m not Brian.” “I know.” There was something in the tone Justin used that confirmed Tyler’s earlier realization. “What does that mean?” He pressed. The blond shrugged, pulling his clothes back on as he did so. “Is this about New York? About not seeing him?” Justin looked up in confusion. “No.” He shook his head, but Tyler could tell he was holding something back. “What then? What did you mean by ‘I know.’” Tyler demanded. “Nothing.” “No, that was not nothing.” Tyler argued. “What did you mean?” Justin glanced up meeting Tyler’s gaze. It was there in those clear baby blues. Tyler huffed a laugh but there was no humor in it. “Just say it.” “I think I rushed moving in with you.” Justin offered. Tyler waited for the rest of it. After a moment the words came, and when they did they delivered the killing blow. “I’m still in love with Brian.” …. “How long have you been back from your visit with Gus?” Ben asked, surprised to find Brian sitting on the porch smoking a joint. “A while.” Brian exhaled letting the drug calm him. He had a lot on his mind but was sick to death of thinking. He just wanted to relax and be, no thinking, no feeling. He wanted to go back to a life of no regrets and no apologies, but doubted this particular drug was strong enough to take him that far. Ben moved to the steps and sat down next to the man. He slipped the joint from Brian’s fingers and took a long drag before returning it. “Why Professor, I had no idea.” Brian smirked as he took another drag. “What are you doing here Brian?’ Ben asked leaning back on his elbows, his gaze fixed on the other man’s profile. Brian exhaled then leaned back mimicking Ben’s posture. “Smoking a joint.” He offered. Ben sighed then stared out at the front yard. He remained silent. Ben was familiar with this tactic; Hunter used it often as well. If Brian wanted to talk he would, otherwise Ben was content to sit beside the man and just be. “How did he sound?” Brian ventured. . “Okay, not himself, but okay.” Ben admitted. “What the fuck does that mean? Not himself but okay?” Brian took another drag then flicked the butt away. “It means that he doesn’t sound like the blond that blindly followed you to New York, but he hasn’t sounded like that man for a long time.” Ben offered. “I don’t feel like I should tell you what he said.” “I didn’t ask, did I?” Brian challenged then sighed, releasing his frustration into the air. “Brian,” Ben began. “Why don’t you call him, tell him how you feel. Stop playing this game.” “I’m not—“ “The hell you aren’t. You’ve been playing at this from the time you first decided to give Steve a chance.” Ben accused. Brian stared at the other man, surprised by his outburst. Ben continued. “I understand how tempting it must have been. Steve Brenner is handsome, accomplished, sophisticated, and successful. I get that, but surely you knew that what you had with Justin was rare. Justin already possessed most of those qualities and the rest were merely a matter of time—“ “Time.” Brian leaned forward. “You know he would have left eventually, given enough time. One day he was going to wake up and realize he was in bed with a middle aged—“ “Oh my gosh, that’s it isn’t it?” Ben was astonished that he’d managed to hit so close to the mark. “You went with Steve because it was the only way you could protect yourself from losing Justin.” “I thought Steve and I were a better match.” Brian muttered. “Bullshit, but whatever you have to tell yourself.” Ben shrugged. “But for the record, I don’t think you were in any danger of Justin leaving. He loved you.” Ben paused then relented. “He still loves you. He’s really struggling to figure out a way to finally get over you—“ “He’s over me. He moved in—“ “You are the reason he’s moving out.” Ben announced, hoping it wasn’t a mistake. “That’s some of what I gathered from his comments today. He rushed things with Tyler. He isn’t over you.” Brian felt a glimmer of hope spark to life inside somewhere and was amazed by the amount of warmth that small light offered him. How could he have missed how cold he’d been for so long? … Steve pushed his plate away in disgust. He hadn’t touched a bite of his food. He wasn’t hungry. He was too preoccupied by the deafening silence of his penthouse. He rose, taking his glass of wine with him as he meandered to the row of windows and stared out at the view. So many people walking the distant sidewalks, yet none were the person he wanted to see. He glanced to the portable phone entertaining the possibility of placing a call to the object of his affection, but then turned away returning once more to the rush of city life beneath him. He’d screwed up of course. He’d gotten frightened and fallen into a protective mode. It was foolish looking back on the ridiculous affair with his assistant. Steve wanted to feign confusion over his motives but knew if he wanted to be honest with himself, he would have to admit that his indiscretion had been about self preservation. “Fuck you Justin Taylor.” He murmured as he took another sip from his glass. Steve had felt Brian drifting ever since he had learned of Justin’s involvement with Tyler Sanford. Sighing, Steve moved away from the view realizing that Brian’s concern for Justin had always been between them, from the very beginning. “Maybe I underestimated..” Steve’s voice trailed off as he took a seat on the sofa and finished the last of the wine. After a moment he picked up the phone and dialed Brian’s cell. “It would have been nice if you had just told me you were going to Pittsburgh for a few days. What are you doing there anyway? I know you’re upset Brian, but running away is never the answer. Come home. Let’s talk. We can work this out.” Steve disconnected, hating how desperate he felt. He’d screwed up. He’d hurt Brian. Steve knew that understanding his own underlying motives certainly didn’t undo the damage he’d inflicted on their relationship. He had to find some other way to repair things with his lover. He hated the idea of Brian in Pittsburgh without him. Steve waited for another minute before he made up his mind. If he didn’t want to lose Brian it was time to swallow his pride. He moved to their bedroom to pack. …… “So he’s moving out.” Ken announced with a shrug. “It doesn’t mean that it’s over, necessarily.” Tyler glanced up, giving Ken a knowing look. “What?” Ken defensively demanded. “I’m not happy about this Tyler. I’m trying to make you feel better, all the while also encouraging you to stop deluding yourself.” “What are you talking—“ “He said he still loves Brian Kinney. He loves him.” Ken reiterated. “He’s just having a hard time moving past him. Kinney was his first, they were lovers and it’s complicated.” Tyler argued weakly. “No, it’s simple.” Ken clarified. “It really is.” “Fuck you.” Tyler spat. Ken sighed shaking his head as he leaned back in his chair. “I’m not the enemy here.” He offered softly. “I know.” Tyler conceded desperately wanting to change the subject. He leaned back crossing his feet on the older man’s desk. “Is this the same desk?” He asked thoughtfully. “The very one.” Ken smirked wiggling his brows playfully. He understood Tyler’s need for self deception at the moment. The time for acceptance would come but not until a healthy period of denial. Grief was a predictable process. “Kinky.” Tyler laughed. Ken joined him. It was good to hear the younger man laugh. When he’d arrived at Ken’s office, Tyler has appeared inconsolable. Ken wasn’t sure why he’d chosen to come by. He was beyond questioning good things that were now coming to him after such a long wait. “Look Ty.” Ken began as his office grew quiet once more. “It sounds to me that Justin didn’t set out to hurt you. He wouldn’t have been this cautious unless he cared. When I met with him, he struck me as a responsible, mature young man who is very aware of others and their emotional well being.” “He just doesn’t have a fucking clue about his own emotional well being.” Tyler spat bitterly. Ken remained silent knowing there was a time to argue and a time to listen. “He wants his space. He needs to find out if he wants to try to make this work or—“ “Or go back with his ex?” Ken leaned forward bracing his elbows on the desk. “Isn’t his ex taken?” “Sort of.” Tyler lowered his feet then reluctantly stood. “What aren’t you telling me?” Ken pressed. Tyler paused then forced himself to look up into Ken’s concerned gaze. “Kinney hurt him. He was such a fucking mess when I met him. Now he’s stronger but if he goes back,” Tyler shook his head. “I can’t protect him.” He admitted. “He’s a grown man. He doesn’t need your protection. He needs your trust.” Ken sagely offered. “It’s just that,” Tyler began then shook his head, adding a defeated sigh. “It’s over.” Ken verbalized what Tyler couldn’t bring himself to admit. Tyler nodded, lowering his eyes on the floor. “He didn’t say it. I’m not saying it. Maybe he doesn’t even realize it yet, but—“ “It’s over.” Ken offered once more. Tyler looked up then, meeting the older man’s gaze before rolling his lips into his mouth and adding a small nod. “But that isn’t what you want.” “No, what I want is to go home, grab him, lock him in a closet and never let him out of my sight.” Tyler rushed. “That’s touching in a serial killer or perhaps stalker kind of way.” Ken offered relieved to see Tyler smile in reply. “You’re right.” He conceded. “Its just that I keep thinking if he doesn’t leave then nothing will change, we can just move forward as though none of this happened.” Tyler shrugged. “As if he hadn’t admitted…” “That he’s in love with someone else and possibly always will be.” Ken finished his thought once more. Tyler nodded sadly. “Well I don’t think locking Justin in a closet will change any of that. He’s already fought his way out of one closet. I doubt anyone has the strength to put him back in another one.” Tyler nodded as he reached the door to Ken’s office. “Are you going?” Ken hated to see him go. He missed Tyler more than he wanted to admit. He hated to see how much the younger man was hurting over Justin Taylor but on some level Ken knew he would always be grateful to the blond for bringing Tyler back into his life. “Are you sure you should be alone?” “Yeah.” Tyler shrugged. “I’ll be fine. Besides, Justin is coming by for the last of his things tonight.” Ken rolled his lips into his mouth and nodded. “How about some dinner after he leaves?” Ken asked trying to sound casual but failing. “Lunch tomorrow.” Tyler suggested instead. Ken nodded then watched the man of his dreams walk out of his office. He knew that now wasn’t the time to approach Tyler about their unresolved feelings, but in time the chance would present itself. Tyler needed a chance to heal. He needed enough space to accept Justin’s decision before he could even consider moving on. Ken could wait. After all, he’d been waiting for a lifetime. …. “Hey.” Justin smiled as Tyler opened the front door. “You could have used your key.” Tyler offered softly. “Not really. I left it on your nightstand the last time I was here.” Justin confessed. Tyler stepped aside watching as the man entered their home. “How many more?” Tyler asked, amazed by the pain he felt watching the blond moving out of his life. “Just a couple of boxes.” Justin shrugged as he moved passed his lover to the stairs. Tyler watched him go, wishing there was something he could say that might change Justin’s mind. Somewhere deep inside he realized that Justin was truly trying to protect him, trying to be honest. He admired that, but then he admired so much about Justin. A part of him wished that the blond could have continued the charade, letting Tyler believe that he was the only person occupying his heart, but that would have meant asking Justin to be lie. Tyler knew that wasn’t possible. He could never ask Justin to be something less than the man he was. It was insane really. Tyler now found himself in the perfect catch 22. The only way to keep Justin was to ask him to be someone wasn’t he. Tyler shook his head as he absently traced a line on the stair rail. No one would win this one, everyone would lose. “Tyler.” Justin’s voice pulled the man from his thoughts. He glanced up the stairs, finding Justin with two boxes. “Are you okay?” He sounded so sincere, so young. Tyler had no choice but to smile and nod. He’d known all along that Kinney was going to be an issue. Justin had never hidden that fact, how could he blame the blond now? “I’m sorry.” Justin offered softly as Tyler took one of the boxes. He noted that it was clearly labeled toiletries. Tyler met the blue gaze, his smile wider. “There’s nothing to be sorry for Justin. You can’t help your feelings and I can’t help mine.” He offered. “It’s not like we’re over.” Justin offered. “I just can’t live here anymore, not until…” His voice trailed off. “No, Justin.” Tyler reached up with his free hand and cupped the blond’s chin. “I think we both know this is about more than moving out.” Justin furrowed his brow and started to object but Tyler moved his finger’s up until they covered the blond’s lips. “This is about moving on.” “Tyler, no.” Justin protested. “You’ve got it all wrong. I just need—“ Justin felt a moment of panic. This wasn’t what he’d meant. He hadn’t wanted to lose Tyler. He just needed time so that he could find a way to free himself of these lingering doubts. “Justin, it’s okay.” Tyler assured him surprised by how calm his own voice sounded in the face of Justin’s emotional distress. “No.” Justin took a step back. “I just need a little more time.” He searched for the words but found none. “You’ve had time. You’ve had two years.” Tyler argued. “Are you any closer to loving me like you love him?” Justin didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t happening. “Ty, Brian and I were together for a long time. He was my first.” He started to explain but Tyler held up his hand silencing him once more. “Justin, you don’t want to let go of him.” The words hung in the air for a long moment. Justin could almost see them hovering between them. It was the truth and they both knew it. “We’re either all in or all out.” Tyler continued. Justin nodded as he worried his bottom lip. “You either want me or you don’t.” “I just need more time—“ He offered. “That’s something I don’t have, Justin. I want to be loved. I want to be the one, not someone you are settling for—“ Tyler cleared his throat. “I deserve to be loved. I won’t be the consolation prize.” “I’ve never seen you that way. You have to know that I care for you. I really care for you Tyler. I just can’t seem to shake these feelings. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried but then just when I think I’m over him, there they are.” Justin rushed his voice thick with emotion. “I’m not settling—“ Tyler raised his hand silencing the other man. “Yes, you are. I’m not the one you really want. I’m the one that came along and managed to fill in some of the gap. You have to decide Justin if really want to get over Brian or if you want to spend the rest of your life going from one man to the next, hoping that one day you’ll find someone who will be okay playing second fiddle to Kinney.” Tyler declared. Justin was silent Tyler’s words pulling him deeper and deeper until he was sure that he was drowning in despair. “I never meant to hurt you.” The words sounded so weak, but then so did Justin. After all what sort of man refuses to let go of a person who treated him with such blatant disrespect. He’d allowed his weakness to cost him Tyler. “I know that.” Tyler soothed. “But whether it was intentional of not makes no difference, you did hurt me just as Kinney has hurt you.” Justin glanced up meeting his gaze, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “It’s such a waste, Justin. Letting this man shut you off from all the love you really deserve. He did a real number on you. I thought I had what it would take to undo that sort of damage but I –“ “I’m not damaged. Brian didn’t—“ “Spare me the defense okay?” Tyler spat then forced himself to calm down. This wasn’t the way he wanted things to end between them. “I just hate to see you miss out on anything.” “I don’t know what to say.” Justin reluctantly admitted. “Go talk to a counselor Justin. You need help if you are going to get past this.” Tyler offered softly. “I just want you to be happy. If you think that means staying then stay but if you really must go then by all means go.” There was nothing more to be said. With a sigh Justin moved past Tyler to the bottom of the stairs. Tyler felt something break inside of him at the sight of Justin moving away. He’d made the mistake of daring to say what they’d both known all along and it had cost them everything. Justin was walking out of his life and with no chance of reviving the false hope now shattered by his own words, Tyler knew Justin was never coming back. … “Justin, call me when you get this.” Brian disconnected as he reached for his second shot. Tossing the liquid down his throat, Brian turned the glass upside down and motioned to the bartender for another. His mind was racing in cyclical patterns. He kept seeing the past flashing before his eyes. Justin, smoke rising from the street, young, innocent, scared shitless yet irresistibly brave and determined as always. Steve confidently shaking his hand, making it clear from the start that he wanted Brian. They were similar and yet so different. Justin was young, still searching for his place in the world; whereas Steve was well established, successful, and comfortable in his skin. Of course their skin was different as well. Steve’s was older, rougher, and less sensual to the touch. Steve was predictable, solid, consistent; Justin was still full of surprises with a wonderfully wicked imagination that added excitement to their lives both in and out of the bedroom. “Hey.” Michael’s voice surprised the brunet as he downed his third shot. “Where’s your husband. I thought tonight was family night.” Brian teased. “Cynthia called.” Michael took the vacant seat next to Brian motioning for a beer. “Steve made reservations.” Brian coughed then motioned for another shot. “A reservation?” He asked suspiciously. “Yeah.” Michael took a draw on his beer before he continued. “Cynthia got a voice mail from him instructing her to cancel his meetings for the rest of the week.” “Where was he head--“ “Where do you think?” Michael interrupted. “Shit.” Brian spat. So Steve couldn’t even give him a week to sort things out. He had to follow Brian, advising him, guiding him, showing him the way, manipulating him, just as he had from the beginning. Brian motioned for another shot. He realized now, looking back, that he had been manipulated. Steve was subtle but effective in achieving his goal. He had wanted Brian, which meant getting Justin out of the picture and that was exactly what he’d managed to achieve. Brian had no doubt played out his part in perfectly choreographed motions. All the while, Steve had been pulling the strings like some sort of puppet master. “Fuck.” Brian spat as he found his mind suddenly flooded with the memory of Justin’s expression when he’d discovered them in the pantry. “What the fuck are you waiting for?” Michael stared at his friend incredulously. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Brian demanded, meeting his friend’s gaze. “Brian, we both know you love Justin.” Michael shrugged. “Ben told me that Justin’s moving out of—“ “What do you think is going to happen, Michael?” Brian accused. “He had his chance last summer and he chose Stanford.” Brian quipped. Michael was shocked by this revelation but did his best to cover. “Oh, so that’s it.” Michael turned back to the bar to finish his beer, clearly infuriated with his friend. “Michael,” “You know, you’re right Brian. If Justin isn’t worth swallowing your pride, if you aren’t willing to eat a plate of shit, after all he’s gobbled up for you, then you’re right, and I can’t fucking believe I’m saying this, but you don’t deserve him.” Michael stood and was about to throw a bill on the bar when he felt an iron grip on his arm. “You think that’s what this is about?” Brian hissed. “You think this is about pride?” “What else?” Michael matched his intensity. “I hurt him. How many times have I hurt him?” Brian shook his head, relaxing slightly. “Don’t you think I would go back and change things if I could? I can’t, Michael. I can’t change what I did.” Even if he could somehow convince Justin to take him back, Brian knew he couldn’t guarantee that things would be different this time around. He wanted to believe that they would be, but life wasn’t about guarantees. It was about risks. How could he ask the blond to take that chance again? “How many times did he hurt you? He’s been there Brian. He knows how easy it is to get confused, to fuck up. He forgave you once, he’d forgive you again if you would just—“ “Stop!” Brian spat then motioned for his fifth shot. Michael sighed in disgust. “Fine, stay here, get drunk, let Steve find you a falling down mess that he can sweep off to his suite at the Renaissance.” Michael watched Brian throw back the shot. “Who the fuck do you think is going to come along and save you?” As if on cue Brian’s cell rang. He reached down offering his friend a lop-sided smile as he dug the phone form his pocket. “I don’ know.” He sarcastically spat. “Maybe this is my hero now.” Brian glanced down at the display his breath catching for a moment as realized it was Justin. ……