I know, I know I know! It’s been for freakin ever since I updated. I apologize. Thank you for continuing to read. I will never understand why you are all so patient with me but please know I’m both humbled by and grateful for your continued support! As always…..thanks Lois for helping me make this readable! You are amazing! And for the individuals who helped me get copies of the original chapters of Lesson In Loving so that I could six the damaged version on this site, a million thanks!!! There were several parts that were missing. It should be fixed now but if anyone finds a problem please let me know. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Mouse Chapter 7 Timex Sunlight. Bright glaring sunlight. Brian felt it both warm and comfort his body as it streamed in through the window. He was just about to cover his head with a pillow when he felt another body wrap itself around his. ‘Justin.’ Brian thought tightening his grip on the slim body, ignoring for the moment the voice inside his head warning him that he was just setting himself up for more hurt later. “Good morning.” Justin kissed his chest and began working his way down. Brian reached out running his hand through Justin’s hair as he pulled the man back up to face him. “What are you doing here?” He asked even as he began kissing those lips he’d longed to kiss for so many months. “I don’t know. What am I doing here?” Justin offered softly opening himself to the knowledge that those were Brian’s arms holding him, Brian’s hands running up his body. “After all it isn’t like you invited me.” Justin opened the floor for debate. Brian pulled away sighing. “Justin,” He reluctantly began. “Do we really have to go into this now?” “Well we haven’t spoken in months, don’t you think it’s about time we did?” Justin sat up staring down at the other man. “I didn’t come all this way just for a fuck.” Brian rolled his lips into his mouth recognizing the tale-tail signs that Justin was dangerously frustrated. “So the fucking was just a bonus, the icing on the cake?” Brian asked keeping his features unreadable. “The cherry on top?” He moved closer his warm breath brushing over Justin’s lips. “After all I know all about your cherry.” He whispered. Justin felt his heart race as his body reacted to Brian’s seductive tone. Just as his body began to react to the sexual nature of Brian’s words, his emotions spiked with anger. “This isn’t about sex!” Justin spat, “So stop trying to distract me.” Brian was startled by the blond’s reaction. “Everything’s about sex.” He replied moving to the edge of the bed. He rose and turned to look down on the blond. “I’m taking a shower.” He announced then strode calmly into the bathroom. Justin watched him go. He wanted to yell or throw something at the other man but knew it would do no good. Instead he took three deep breaths then headed into the kitchen to start the coffee. He needed to organize his thoughts before Brian reappeared. They had a lot to talk about in a very short amount of time. ************************ “And he just charged right up there…” Emmett was reliving the previous night with Michael when Jansen arrived to take their order. He glared at both men before launching into this routine. “What do you want?” He grumbled. “Pancakes and OJ.” Emmett offered glancing nervously at Michael. “The number two.” Michael handed the blond the menus. “And service with a smile.” “I am smiling.” Jansen argued. “On the inside.” He spun and placed their orders. “He’s being a little bitch.” Emmett offered. “Think he’ll spit in our food?” He asked nervously. “Probably.” Michael surmised watching as the blond delivered another table’s order, never smiling, or saying a word. He looked exhausted. Dark circles marred his otherwise perfect complexion. “It was so great the way Justin just stormed up to Brian and told that kid to take off.” Emmett laughed softly. “Yeah, Brian really needed Justin to be there.” “Well Teddy made that happen.” Emmett offered. “Teddy did what?” Ted asked as he took his seat at the booth. “Teddy got Justin to come to the opening of Babylon.” Emmett clarified. “Teddy could have lost his job and depending on how the rest of their night went still could.” He offered sagely. “Oh be serious.” Emmett began. “Did you see them last night? I mean Brian practically sacrificed his body in front of your car to keep you and Blake at the club so that he and Justin could leave.” “That was sex.” Michael offered. “Make up sex.” “Ah, make up sex.” Ted offered fondly. The three men were lost in that thought for a moment before the conversation started up once more. “Well this morning the sex was over and if I know Justin, the talking began which means the arguing began.” Michael accepted his orange juice from Jansen. ”You think they’re fighting?” Jansen asked having overheard their conversations. “They’re discussing.” Emmett announced trying to squash any hopes in the boy before he was hurt more. “Yeah, but you said—“ “They are back together.” Michael assured him. “They were never really apart.” “Really? Well you haven’t a fucking clue Mikey.” Jansen spat. “You don’t know the things Brian and I did together. You don’t know anything.” The words sounded a little familiar but Michael couldn’t quite place where he’d heard them before. ****************** Brian slipped into his jeans leaving the top button unfastened as he always did then with one last deep sigh headed down the steps toward the blond. Justin handed him a cup of coffee then led him to the couch. Brian sipped his cup enjoying the best coffee he’d had in months. Justin always knew exactly how to make it the way Brian liked it. He enjoyed the way it felt as it slid down his throat. “Do you want this?” Justin jumped in causing Brian to choke on his last sip. Justin waited until the coughing had abated before continuing. “That was the question that kept running through my mind, day after day, week after week, month after ---“ “I get it.” Brian cleared his throat his voice hoarse. “Well?” Justin pressed. “Well what the fuck are you talking about? What’s “this”?” He played for time. Justin was the one person on the face of the planet that made him feel nervous. “Us.” Justin shook his head sighing in frustration. “Us. You and me? Remember? Partners? Lovers? Damn near husbands?” Brian rolled his lips into his mouth as Justin watched him carefully. He felt icy fingers slide around his heart at the realization that Brian might possibly reject him, again. Brian placed his cup down on the coffee table then ran his hands over his face. “Justin—“ He began then stopped considering his reply a moment longer. “We both knew that when you walked out that door to go to New York that it was different than when you left for California.” Justin placed his cup down as well though his eyes remained riveted on the other man’s. “Brian—“ He began but Brian held up his hand silencing the blond. “When you went to California at first I told myself you’d be back but then six months turned into seven and before we both knew it you’d been gone for 8.” He sighed. “It was difficult.” Brian admitted refusing to meet those penetrating baby blues as he explained. “I finally accepted it, but it took time. So, given the permanence of your latest opportunity, I didn’t see any reason to hang on to you this time. You don’t have a six month time frame, you don’t have any time frame.” “It’s only time.” Justin whispered suddenly understanding what Brian had meant that night. “It’s only time.” Brian shrugged. Justin moved closer to his lover, reaching out tentatively to cup his face. Staring into warm open hazel eyes he rolled his lips into his mouth hoping Brian would listen, really listen. “It’s so much more than that.” Justin offered refusing to look away. He was struck by the disbelieving look that shadowed the older man’s gaze. “Time, it’s the stuff that lives are made of, our life, Brian.” The older man pulled away breaking the moment. “There is no ‘our life’, Justin.” Brian reiterated as he stood walking toward the windows. “There was.” Justin defended. “Until you pushed me away.” “Pushed?” Brian whirled on the man in a rare moment of emotional nudity. “I didn’t push you. You left just like so many times before.” He paused. “You packed your things and exited, of your own volition.” He turned back to the windows huffing a bitter sigh. “No one ever pushed you.” “How can you say that?” Justin began incredulously. “You’ve thrown me out twice!” Justin spat defensively. “And you’ve walked away three times. Do you really want to get down to numbers Justin? Is that really what this is about?” Brian challenged. “I’m just tired of having the past thrown in my face.” Justin offered somewhat weakly. “When have I ever done that?” Brian moved towards him. “Now.” Justin replied. “Because you want to make this about me.” Brian offered. “I didn’t tell you to go. I just didn’t beg you to stay.” “I told you that I would be back.” Justin’s tone was softer this time. “And here you are.” Brian quipped, “Only what? Five months, almost six months later? You’ve no idea how touched I am.” Justin furrowed his brow and watched as Brian pick up his cup and returned to the bar to warm it. “You’re pissed because I didn’t come back sooner. You’re going to give me shit about not coming back to visit when you didn’t even bother to fucking call me?” Justin demanded. “Justin, it was inevitable—“ “Fuck that Brian and fuck you!” Justin shouted. “Ever the intellectual comeback; really throwing that 1500 around aren’t you Sunshine.” Brian feigned. “Be sarcastic all you want, but you know you should have called me.” “Should of, could of, would of.” Brian grumbled as he stirred in more sugar. “Don’t you want this Brian?” Justin offered knowing he had to regain some semblance of control. “What is ‘this’ Justin?” Brian asked eyebrows raised seeking enlightenment. Justin paused wary of a trap. When he did reply it was evident that each word had been carefully selected. “Us. Partners. Lovers. Friends.” He shook his head. “Together. A couple. More than friends but at the very least friends.” He looked up meeting those eyes once more. “Us ended. We ended.” Brian declared. “We ended years ago.” ”Bullshit, that’s your fucked up childhood talking. That’s the “I Don’t Believe in Love just Fucking” Kinney talking again.” Justin felt weary. “Oh and then what does that make ‘Us. Partners. Friends. Lovers. Together’?” Brian challenged. “The truth.” Justin defended his words. “Bullshit, that’s your perfect childhood talking. That’s the romantic starry eyed little fairy talking again.” Justin recoiled as though he’d been physically struck. Brian could not bring himself to regret his words but he immediately regretted the harsh manner by which he’d delivered them. “I should go.” Justin mumbled feels as lost as he looked. “Oh by all means.” Brian fought the voice screaming that he should protest any such thing. “It’s what you do best.” “And what do you do best, Brian?” Justin spat. “I mean besides self protection.” “Get out of my head.” Brian moved back toward the bedroom. Justin sighed. This had not been the conversation that he’d expected. “I love you Brian.” He called somehow needing the words to somehow interject some sanity, some hope into the situation. “I know.” Brian voice was sure but soft from the top of the steps. Justin turned and met his gaze. “It’s not enough.” “It could be.” Justin hated the pleading note in his own voice. After all he’d come to Brian in order to set things right and here he was making all the concessions, or had he? “Justin,” Brian paused staring for a long moment at the floor. Justin seized the opportunity to move closer to the man, reaching out he laid his hand on Brian’s arm. “I’ve missed you.” Justin whispered. “Last night—“ “I was fucked up.” Brian confessed. “No, I don’t believe that.” Justin shook his head running his hand up Brian’s arm. “You’re never as honest as when you’re tweaked. It’s a good time to find out what you’re really thinking, what you’re feeling.” Justin worried his bottom lip wondering how far he dare go. “You were glad to see me. You were as desperate to see me as I was to see you. The way you kissed me, held me, fucked me.” Justin shook his head struggling to find the right words. “I felt consumed like I was the last bite of ice cream in the carton and you were the spoon.” Brian huffed a laugh. “What?” Justin sounded defensive. “Too starry eyed faggot for you?” Brian shook his head. This was not going as he’d expected. Last night he’d been surprised to see Justin, relieved, overwhelmed with need, but in the light of day he realized that nothing had really changed. They were still a world away not to mention a decade. It wasn’t to be and he’d felt that it was his responsibility to show Justin that fact as clearly and cruelly as possible, but once again Justin Taylor had other ideas. Brian felt himself slipping back into the familiar resolve that his heart was destined to be wrung out time and again until Justin was finally finished with him. “You’re just gone and I’m …..” He paused wondering what it was that he was doing. “surviving.” “Surviving?” Justin asked. Brian closed his eyes for a moment. “Is that what this is? This is surviving? Do you lie awake thinking of me? Of us? “ He bit his lip watching the other man closely. “Do you call just to hear my voice? Do you see a man on a crowded sidewalk and race through the people hoping beyond hope that it’s me?” He asked. Brian refused to reveal too much. “I do. I do all of those things. Because I miss you.” Justin bravely went where Brian feared to go. “I’m not surviving.” He concluded. “I’m existing and that’s different. To survive there has to be purpose, a reason. It has to be buoyed by some underlying belief that at the end of the journey something wonderful is waiting, it will be worth all the pain and hardship in the end. Survival is about the end justifying the journey. I’m existing which is merely the journey for the journey’s sake. It’s about getting on a treadmill and remaining there because you don’t know how to stop it or what you would do if you did.” “I’m sure you’re surviving.” Brian argued. “How would you know?” Justin challenged feeling rejected once more. “I read the magazines. It doesn’t sound like its going so badly.” “Read between the lines Brian.” Justin sighed. “Not everything is black and white.” He sighed. “Justin, we had enough problems in the same city, how did you hope to survive miles away?” Brian asked. “Nothing is impossible.” Brian barked a laugh. “Yes Justin, some things are impossible.” Brian replied softly. Justin was just about to reply when someone knocked on the door. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> “I think this is a mistake.” Ben warned as the two men opened the door and headed up the stairs forgoing the elevator. “They haven’t seen each other in months and I’m sure that they have a lot to talk about.” Ben continued. “I just want to see how it’s going.” Michael offered. “Wouldn’t you rather just hear how it turns out then to barge in right in the middle?” Ben had a sinking feeling about intruding on the two men. “I just want to make sure that Brian is being honest, that he’s giving Justin a chance.” Michael persisted then knocked on the door. When no one answered he knocked again louder. The door slid back and Michael found himself face to face with Brian. “Hey.” Michael smiled. “We thought you two might want to have breakfast.” He offered feeling Ben’s gaze burning into him after all hadn’t they just left the Diner half an hour before? Brian looked to Ben then back to Michael. “Checking up on us?” He opened the door further allowing the men to enter. Michael didn’t deny his friend’s observation as he entered the loft. “Hey Justin.” Michael greeted. “I didn’t get to see you much last night.” Justin gave a small smile and a nod of agreement. Michael noticed that Justin’s eyes turned back watching Brian. The blond seemed nervous. Michael realized that things were not going as he’d hoped. “So breakfast?” “We could get you guys something.” Ben offered realizing they’d barged in at a bad time. “Are you hungry?” Brian asked meeting Justin’s gaze. “Yes.” Justin admitted. “How about the Diner?” Brian suggested. Justin nodded then grabbed his jacket off of the nearby chair. He was relieved in a way for the distraction. He needed time to process how things were proceeding and hoped that with time Brian would accept what the blond had offered as truth. “Are you sure you want to go to the Diner?” Michael asked something in his voice alerting Justin. “Why wouldn’t we?” He questioned looking from Michael to Brian then back to Michael. Brian knew exactly what Michael was concerned about. It concerned him as well but it was too late now to suggest another location without deepening Justin’s concern. “No reason.” Brian assured him. “I’ll drive.” Brian grabbed his keys as the three men moved out of the loft ahead of him. ***************************** “Jansen your order’s up!” Kiki called as she moved out onto the floor to deliver her own plates. Jansen stood frozen by the sight of Brian Kinney entering the Diner with Justin Taylor at his side. His eyes locked with the brunet for the briefest of moments then Brian broke contact as he and his friends took a seat at one of the Jansen’s booths. Picking up his order pad the blond was determined that he wouldn’t fall apart in front of his competition. He’d known that Justin was important to Brian but he also realized that come Monday Justin would be climbing on a plane and Brian would once again be up for grabs. “Can I take your order?” Jansen asked batting his eyes sweetly at the older man. Brian felt Justin stiffen next to him but was impressed by the amount of restraint Justin managed to show. “Just coffee.” Michael ordered relieved that Jansen was too distracted by Brian to make any sort of reference to his and Ben’s second appearance of the morning. He turned to Ben who waved him off still full. Jansen then turned his attention to two very cold blue eyes. “And for you?” He asked his anger seeping through slightly in spite of his efforts to hide his jealousy. “Nothing.” Justin closed his menu. “I thought you were hungry?” Brian questioned. “Lost my appetite.” Justin replied. Brian gazed at Justin then up and Jansen before ordering. “Coffee.” He handed his menu his Jansen then watched as the blond disappeared behind the counter to place their order. Brian noticed that Justin had yet to relax. “What?” He asked wishing they didn’t have an audience. “He’s a waiter at the Diner.” Justin offered staring at the table top. “Yes, so?” Brian challenged. “He’s blond, he’s my size, he’s a waiter at the Diner, and you’re fucking him.” Justin stared up at him incredulously. Brian remained passive. “I need some air.” Justin announced then quickly stood and stormed out of the Diner. Jansen watched him go basking in a surge of hope left in Justin’s wake. “This was a mistake.” Brian grumbled. “He would have found out anyway.” Michael offered. “He’s overreacting.” Brian argued. Ben coughed then cleared his throat. “What?” Brian challenged. “I don’t think that he is.” Ben defended the younger man. “He took a leap of faith in you, in your relationship, when he left. He comes back and discovers that not only have you continued on with your life but you’ve managed to find a perfect replacement.” “Jansen wasn’t Justin’s replacement.” Brian spat just as their drinks arrived. “So, did you have fun last night?” Jansen asked leaning against Brian’s side of the booth. “Yes, not that it’s any of your fucking business.” Brian shot back. “Well that’s all we have right? Fucking business.” Jansen gave him a sad smile then moved back behind the counter. Brian had suspected it for a while now but suddenly realized with complete certainty that Jansen was in love with him. “What the fuck is it with young blonds?” Michael stared at his friend. “I have to go talk to Justin.” Brian rose and moved out of the Diner. When he reached the street he found Justin leaning against the vette smoking. “Do you mind?” Brian asked making his meaning clear. Justin considered the car for a moment then took another deep drag on his cigarette. “Yeah I do mind.” He replied as he blew out smoke. “You’re going to scratch—“ “Fuck the car Brian.” Justin reeled. “Is that all you have to say? Get off my car? You’re going to scratch my precious car?” He challenged. Brian glanced around realizing others were watching them as they passed. Justin followed his gaze. “Whatever happened to the Brian Kinney who didn’t give a shit what others thought?” “I just don’t think it’s anyone’s business.” Brian benignly responded. Justin crushed out his cigarette. “You seemed so glad to see me.” He offered. “I was.” Brian admitted. “But why? I mean you have the latest model already warmed up and ready in your bed?” Justin’s eyes sought out deep hazels searching for any reason or hope that might reside there. “It’s not what you think. He was just this kid that—“ “Wouldn’t leave you alone.” Justin sighed. “You really did find my double.” Brian considered the younger man’s words then stepped closer. “Let’s go back to the loft.” Brian offered. “I’m not going back there unless we’re going to talk about our future and admit that we have one.” Justin demanded. Brian ran his hand through his hair then turned to meet two piercing baby blues. He had missed those eyes and even more so, the determined look that always seemed to spark them to life. There was something solid about Justin, grounded, something that felt safe. “Okay.” Brian reluctantly conceded. Justin moved then opened the door. Brian watched him get in before moving around to the driver’s side. As he opened the driver’s door he glanced up at the Diner, his eyes locking with Jansen’s. The young blond stood watching as the two men drove away.