Chapter 12 The parking was atrocious. Paul sighed making his way into through the ER. He had only recently been appointment to the hospital board after donating to the new Children’s HIV wing. He had promised himself years back after watching someone he cared for struggle with the disease that he would always find ways to help others in that struggle. This year he’d been approached about the great need at St. Mary’s and so he’d been happy to help. He’d never expected to be asked to serve on the hospital board as a reward for his generosity. In fact until last month he’d come to resent these monthly meetings. They always took away from the time he wanted to spend with Brian. Funny, but since the breakup Paul rarely missed any of his board meetings. He even decided to accept the appointment as Chairman of the Board at the GLC. He needed meetings to occupy his time now that Brian wasn’t there to fill it anymore. Rounding the admissions corner he noted a familiar blond standing in the hallway, his hand wrapped in gauze. Paul paused watching as a young PA offered the young man his treatment instructions. Moving back out into the waiting area he scanned the faces for that of his ex-lover. He felt a slight sense of relief and smug satisfaction when he realized Brian wasn’t waiting. He did recognize a man from the GLC staff. Morgan something or the other, a counselor at the GLC, was speaking to an attractive woman in an isolated corner. It was obvious even from where Paul stood that the woman was crying. She looked up and he noted the resemblance. This had to be Justin’s mother. Paul furrowed his brow as he continued to watch as the woman struggled to compose herself. What could possibly be so upsetting? He wondered. Justin seemed to be fine, he’d obviously injured his hand but accidents happen. It was then that the counselor piece suddenly clicked into the place. Paul moved silently back down the hallway and watched the PA put her arm around the young blond obviously trying to encourage him. Paul noted how Justin immediately stiffed and stepped out of her touch. He spoke, his words far too soft for Paul to make out but the tone managed to carry the distance. He sounded angry and defensive. Paul stepped into a recessed area and allowed Justin to pass without intercepting him. Paul was still angry at the younger man for luring his lover away but even he was having a hard time exacting revenge in light of what he had just pieced together. Could Justin have intentionally injured himself? Was he that fragile? Paul stepped out watching the retreating blond head wishing he could see the reunion in the waiting area. He sincerely doubted that his mother had managed to get her emotions under control this quickly. Once the blond head disappeared from view, Paul turned back to the hallway continuing on his course to the board room. He wasn’t sure what had happened to Justin but by the time Dr. Meadows began his presentation about the need for an additional pediatric trauma center, Paul felt his spirits higher than they’d been in weeks. In his time with Brian he’d managed to unearth a few truths about the older man and one of the first that he’d learned was Brian Kinney didn’t tolerate weakness. If Justin was indeed so unstable and fragile that he was inflicting injury to himself, it wouldn’t be long before Brian walked away from the blond. After all Brian loved perfection. Paul could see now how Brian been drawn to Justin in the beginning. After all he was young, beautiful, intelligent. Brian may have even loved him, but surely now he had to be rethinking those feelings. This wasn’t the same man who had walked out of his loft almost four years ago. Paul hid his joy beneath a thin mask of interest as he concluded that this Justin Taylor was obviously damaged goods. As the presentation wound down to a close the doctor said something about how important it was for people to have hope, as Paul closed the proposal before him, he realized that he couldn’t agree more. ******* At two o'clock Brian met Leo Brown and his team in the lobby of Kinnetik. After they exchanged pleasantries, Brian ushered the team into the conference room where Justin was just finishing with the set up. Brian immediately noticed the bandage on the man’s hand. Justin avoided his gaze as he silently left the room. Brian stared after him. Leo Brown made a comment that pulled Brian back to the boards. They were, after all, exactly what Brown Athletics was looking for, exactly what Brian had requested. Justin had recreated the concept perfectly, but then that wasn’t surprising. He was by far the most talented artist in the department. He also still seemed to be able to read Brian’s mind when it came to how the pitch was to look on the boards. The meeting droned on for an impossible amount of time. Once the contracts were signed and the campaign timetable organized, Brian shook everyone’s hand agreeing to meet them at their hotel that night for dinner. He then hurried down to the art department. “He left.” Cynthia announced coming up behind Brian as he scanned the room. Brian glanced back over his shoulder. “His mother drove him down.” “What?” Brian turned. Cynthia shrugged. Brian quickly moved past Cynthia as he headed back to his office, his mind trying to created reasonable explanations for what was going on with the other man. He dialed Justin’s number but refused to leave a message on the machine. Instead he looked through his PDA, locating Jennifer’s number, he dialed it. “Jennifer Taylor.” The woman’s voice came over the line. “Jennifer? Brian.” Brian greeted. “What happened last night?” Jennifer launched a preemptive attack. Brian could tell by the way she spoke in hushed tones that he must have caught her at her office. “We talked.” Brian had no intentions of going into this with Jennifer Taylor, if Justin wanted to let his mother know about their conversation that was up to him. There was no way Brian was about to include her. “What happened to his hand?” Brian demanded. “He came in last night and …” She paused. “He was so upset.” She admitted. “I woke up and he was already gone this morning. I was worried sick and I guess rightly so since an hour later I received a call from his counselor telling me that Justin was in the ER at St. Mary’s.” ”Emergency room?” Brian was sitting on the edge of his chair, his chest tightening as he considered all the possibilities that would lead to such a call. “He had an accident.” She explained mildly. “A car accident?” Brian inquired. “No,” Jennifer paused, Morgan’s warning running back through her mind. She took a deep breath before continuing her tone as light as she could manage. “He accidentally put his hand through one of the windows in the man’s office. It was an accident.” Jennifer assured him, her own insecurities bleeding through in her tone. Brian remained silent. Jennifer’s insistence that it was an accident caused him to consider that perhaps it hadn’t been. She sighed and pressed on. “It was just an accident but his counselor indicated that I needed to keep a closer eye on Justin for self destructive tendencies.” Jennifer paused swallowing around the lump in her throat. “I didn’t know he was injured. He could have called.” Brian faltered. “He insisted I bring him in. Said he had some panels that were needed. They were finished but he wasn’t sure anyone would know where to look for them.” She explained. “He could have called.” Brian offered. Jennifer remained silent. Justin’s job was the least of her concerns at the moment. “How seriously is he injured?” Brian asked realizing it had been Justin’s right hand. “Ten stitches.” Jennifer explained wanting to get past what had happen that morning and find out more about the previous night. “If this..” She paused obviously searching for a way to continue. “If he did this because of what happened between the two of you last night, then perhaps it would be better if you left him alone.” She offered feeling lost once more, caught between what she thought might be best for her son and Brian Kinney. “No Jennifer, that isn’t how this is going to play.” Brian insisted surprising the older woman. She was about to protest when he cut her off. “We had a very intense conversation last night. Justin alluded to a lot of things without actually telling me much. I think he’s really struggling right now and the very worst thing that you could do is to try to keep him away from me.” “What makes you think that?” She spat feeling both protective and defensive. “The fact that I know him better than anyone else.” Brian offered honestly. “How could you begin to think that? You haven’t seen him in years? How could you possibly understand what he is going through right now?” She demanded. “How could I possibly understand the guilt felt by a survivor who witnessed a horrific event?” His tone made his reference obvious. Jennifer remained silent. She had been wrong once before when she’d attempted to keep her son from Brian, perhaps she was making that mistake again. She reconsidered the man’s words. “I’m worried about him.” She offered finally, her exhaustion evident. “I know you are. We both are.” Brian replied. “I think there’s more to what’s going on here than the fact that Andy got sick.” He paused assessing how much of his personal theories he wanted to reveal. “I think he needs us both to be honest but I lost him once. I don’t plan on letting that happen again.” “I don’t think he’ll let you get that close again Brian. He’s so guarded, so distant.” She considered how different Justin was now from the young man who had left for Paris three years ago. He’d been devastated by whatever had occurred between he and Brian but now it was more than that, he wasn’t just damaged he seemed destroyed, dead inside, incapable of recovery. “He wouldn’t let me in last night when he came home. He couldn’t even talk about-“ “I told you it was intense, but I think we did make progress.” Brian admitted. “I don’t know what you want from me?” Jennifer admitted. “I just want to know what had happened.” Brian offered. “I saw his hand and someone told me that you had brought him in today.” “He’s home now.” Jennifer admitted hoping she wasn’t making another mistake. “Thanks.” Brian replied already grabbing his coat from the chair. “Brian,” She called fearing he was about to hang up. Brian hesitated. “Don’t hurt him.” She warned. “Jennifer, that’s exactly what I was planning on doing.” He sarcastically quipped, angry that she would feel the need to issue the warning. “Well you didn’t mean to before and you have more times than I’m sure you want to admit.” She accused. “He’s gotten in his fair share of licks.” Brian spat. Jennifer didn’t reply. “If I thought being with me would hurt him Jennifer, I’d walk away. I did it once before just because you thought it was what he needed. This time I’m calling the shots. He’s hiding something, it’s eating him up inside. I refuse to sit back and watch it happen.” “I’m not willing to do that either.” Jennifer defended. “Then stay out of my way. Work with me but not against me.” Brian argued. Jennifer had a terrible waspy habit of refusing to confront what was really happening in her son’s life. Brian had seen it time and again when he and Justin were together. “I’m afraid for him.” She admitted softly, suddenly grateful that she wasn’t alone in trying to reach out to her son. “With good reason.” Brian agreed increasing her anxiety. “What do I do?” She asked. “Stop calling it an accident and start facing the fact that Justin is hurting himself. Call it what it is Jennifer. Abuse is abuse. No one knows better than I do that rationalizing it won’t make it go away.” Jennifer was shocked by Brian’s admission. Had he been abused at some point in his life? She wondered and found it a possibility given the emotional distance she sensed in the man. “I’m going to go talk to him.” Brian offered. “Don’t come home for a couple of hours. I won’t leave until you get there” She sighed. Maybe this was going to work. Maybe between her efforts and Brian’s they could find a way to reach him. “Good luck.” She offered. Brian made no reply then disconnected. It was going to take a shit more than luck to fix this. ******* Paul had just made his way into the lobby when he spotted Brian coming out of his office. “Brian.” He called. Brian resisted the desire to roll his eyes or launch into the other man for what he had said the night before. Brian knew that he didn’t have time to fight this battle at the moment. “I’m leaving.” Brian announced. “About last night…” Paul began. “I know we both said a lot of things that we didn’t mean.” He continued. “Paul, I can’t do this now. This is neither the time,” Brian offered glancing around. “nor the place.” Paul noted the curious onlookers. He offered an apologetic smile to his ex-lover. “I understand. I’ll call you later.” He replied placing his hand on Brian’s arm affectionately. Brian pulled his arm away as he continued toward the door. “Whatever.” He muttered. He didn’t have time to think about Paul at the moment. He had to get to Justin. Paul watched the handsome brunet disappear, secretly enjoying the man’s obvious distress. So Brian was rushing out somewhere. Paul glanced around the lobby taking in the various individuals waiting to be seen. He wondered what could have pulled the busy man from his work in the middle of the day. Guessing the ad man’s destination, Paul smirked reveling in the reality that Justin was already costing Brian more than he was likely willing to give. It was just a matter of time before the blond was forgotten and life returned to its rightful course. ***** Someone was knocking. He could hear them but he didn’t really feel like waking up enough to go find out who it might be. Justin shifted his body and felt a deep ache in his hand. It was throbbing now. He hissed as he sat up wondering where his mother had put the pain medication. He’d looked before laying down to rest but hadn’t been able to locate them. Stumbling to his feet he headed to the bathroom but realized as he reached that door that it would be impossible to unbutton his pants without help. “Fuck.” He spat, his hand aching as he changed course and headed for the door after all. Throwing it open he was surprised to see Brian. The last thing he wanted right now was to have any more deep conversations with his ex-lover, but desperate times called for desperate measures. “Help.” Justin stated as a way of greeting. “I need you to undo the buttons.” He fumbled with his fly again. Brian reached forward silently and worked the fly open. “Thanks I have to piss.” Justin headed back up the stairs. “Odd icebreaker.” Brian shot up from behind him. Justin ignored the remark. He emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later. “I need to change.” He offered Brian who was now standing outside in the hallway. Brian thought about following the blond into the bedroom but decided against it. When the blond emerged he had on sweats. He stopped outside his door considering the older man. ”So why are you here? I thought we said everything we had to say last night.” Justin seemed tense. Brian wondered how much of it had to do with him and how much had to do with his hand. “Does it hurt?” Brian asked gesturing to the hand. “Like a motherfucker right now. I can’t find the fucking pain meds. I think my Mother hid them from me.” He rolled his eyes. “I’ll have to call her.” He moved past Brian to the kitchen. Brian followed him as far as the living room. He listened as Justin managed to get his mother on the phone. “That is so fucking unreasonable. I told you it was an accident.” Brian couldn’t help but overhear the argument between the Taylors. “I don’t give a shit what Morgan said. He shouldn’t have told you dick.” Brian pressed his lips together wishing that Jennifer hadn’t revealed the counselor’s warning. “No, tell me!” Justin demanded. “Mom, it’s hurting. Please just tell me where the fucking pills are!” He shouted. His outburst was followed by a period of silence. When Justin spoke again his voice was filled with defeat. “Fine, hold on.” The blond appeared in the doorway. “She wants to talk to you. Apparently I’m too fucking unstable to handle my own medications.” Brian took the phone ignoring the way Justin shoved it at him. “Jennifer?” He answered. “I’m sure you are. Just tell me where the prescription is so I can get it for him. He’s in pain right now.” Brian listened then ended the call. He moved past the blond heading for Jennifer’s bedroom. Justin knew better than to follow. No doubt if he did Brian would be forced to hide them again. Brian returned a few moments later with a capsule. He dropped it into Justin’s outstretched hand then turned back to the living room while Justin headed into the kitchen for some water. “Justin, she’s just worried.” Brian couldn’t believe he was taking Jennifer’s side. “Don’t.” Justin warned. Brian surrendered watching as the blond moved to the love seat opposite where he was sitting. “So what do you want? And how the fuck did she know you were here? Are you two working together now to protect me?” Justin hatefully asked. “I called to find out about your hand.” Brian declared losing his cool. “I came down to your office after the meeting but you were gone. I called you, no answer, so then I called your mother.” He hated feeling as though he had to defend his actions. “Well I’m fine as you can see. I don’t need anyone babysitting me despite whatever she might have told you.” Justin spat. “You mean you don’t need any help except for pissing and getting your meds?” Brian asked. Justin rolled his tongue into his cheek waiting impatiently. “What happened?” Brian finally continued. “I’m sure you’ve heard all about it. That’s why you’re here right? You’re my babysitter?” Justin spat refusing to give up on what he suspected until Brian finally admitted it. “No, I’m not your babysitter. I’m here because I want to talk to you about last night.” Brian replied regaining his composure unwilling to give in to Justin’s anger. “We said everything last night. What’s left?” Justin asked. “Well since you are under the impression that we aren’t going to give it another try, I’d say a lot.” Brian offered forcing himself to remain relaxed. He leaned back casually into the arm of the couch getting comfortable. ”Brian,” Justin’s voice was soft as he considered his words. “Don’t make this harder than it is.” “If it’s that hard then maybe you are making a mistake.” Brian offered. “The right decision isn’t usually the easy one.” Justin replied. “Who told you that crock of shit?” Brian asked laughing softly at the ridiculous logic. “Everyone knows that.” Justin replied defensively. “Really?” Brian questioned. “Was walking away from us the first time a hard decision?” “You made that decision. You tell me.” Justin replied harsher than he’d intended. “You walked out. Not me.” Brian declared. “Both times it was you.” “Oh that’s right. I walk out where as when you aren’t happy with our arrangement you just throw me out. You’ve thrown me out just as many times as I’ve walked away.” Brian realized Justin had a point. He’d never really thought of that before. “So is that why you left back then? You thought I was about to throw you out again?” Brian asked leaning forward on the couch. Justin sighed. “Please Brian. I’m really tired and I don’t want to talk about that night anymore.” Justin stood and moved around the couch as if heading for his room. Brian stood suddenly and intercepted him. “Too bad Justin, I want to talk about it.” Brian insisted. “No, this isn’t about what you want.” Justin replied. “I can’t be who you want me to be anymore.” Justin argued. “And who is that Justin?” Brian asked holding them in place, his hands firmly on Justin’s shoulders. “That love struck idiot who would do anything to be in your life.” Justin replied. “That pathetic asshole who accepted second place to tricking, drugs, to whatever the fuck you wanted just so he could be near you.” “I’m not asking for you to accept anything less Justin. I’m offering everything you wanted.” Brian demanded. “What the fuck would you know about what I want?” Justin asked. “When did you ever give enough of a shit to ask me? When was it ever about me?” “I know what you wanted, Justin. You want us in a relationship, a committed monogamous relationship.” Brian offered ignoring the insult then added softly. “You want me.” “I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want you anymore.” Justin pushed off of the man then cradled his hand obviously in pain. Brian knew exactly how he felt as the words cut deep within him. “You don’t mean that.” Brian declared his voice hoarse refusing to give in to any emotion. “Yeah, Brian. I do. I mean every word.” Justin declared but failed to meet Brian’s gaze. Brian had wondered for an instant if perhaps he had misjudged Justin, but now knew that the blond was lying. Feeling his confidence return he knew where he had to go. “Justin, do you remember when we first met?” Brian asked the sudden shift in tactics throwing the blond slightly. “Yes.” Justin replied softly refusing to admit how often he thought of that night, those months, that first year that Brian had been in his life. “How you came after me over and over again?” Brian asked moving closer to the man. “Yes.” Justin replied again now wary of where Brian was heading. “I pushed you away. Every time you tried to show me what I meant to you, I’d push you away.” Brian offered reaching out to cup Justin’s face. Justin stepped back out of his reach. “Yeah, fond memories.” He snapped. “But you wouldn’t buy my bullshit.” Brian continued undeterred. “Everyone else did, but not you.” Brian advanced reaching for Justin’s face once more. Justin sighed backing up once more. “Brian?” He questioned softly feeling his resistance weakening with each in that the man advanced. Justin found that he was amazed by his own longing for Brian touch him. It felt like a magnet deep in his chest pulling him toward the brunet. Justin resisted. “I’m not buying it Sunshine.” Justin looked up meeting Brian’s gaze. “I’m not buying what you’re saying. It’s just like when you kept after me. My mouth said one thing but my body was screaming something else.” Justin’s face softened under the admission. “I can feel it in you now just as you could feel it in me back then. Every cell, every breath, every muscle reaching out to me, wanting me, admit it.” Brian persisted, this time reaching out catching the blond by the back of his neck and letting his fingers comb through the blond locks. Justin felt his resolve melting under those words. He knew he had to stop now or he’d be lost in demanding kisses and overwhelming lust. He missed it so much. He’d let it happen twice but now things were different. Now it wasn’t just about a fuck anymore. Brian wanted more, more than Justin had to offer. He felt Brian’s warm breath caress his face but Justin pulled away just as their lips would have met. “I think you should go.” Justin requested moving further away from the man. Brian considered him for a long moment the sexual tension between them suddenly evaporating. He heard Jennifer unlocking the door downstairs and marveled at her timing. “Okay.” Brian conceded. Justin was surprised by the ease of his surrender but at the same time felt relieved. “I’ll leave, but this isn’t over.” “That’s exactly what this is.” Justin met his gaze his voice filled with conviction. “No, Sunshine, we’re far from over. I intend to get my second chance.” He replied confidently. Something about his demeanor both alarmed and excited the blond as he watched Brian head for the stairs just as his mother arrived at the landing.