Chapter 23 

Brian opened his eyes and discovered two baby blues staring intently at him. He smiled and leaned in kissing the younger man. He pulled the blond closer to his body enjoying the warmth of his skin against his own. This felt right. 

“Last night was amazing.” Justin pronounced kissing the man once more. 

“Sex has always been our strong suit.” Brian admitted feeling more relaxed than he had in years. 

“Yeah.” Justin lowered his head to the older man's chest considering those words. “Was it ever like this for you and Paul?” He ventured knowing that he was taking a risk. 

“Like what?” Brian asked his body threatening to doze off once more. 

“Like this, like us.” Justin persisted.
 
“No.” Brian admitted. “Not like this.” 

“Why?” Justin pressed his insecurity showing. Brian smiled rolling the blond off of his chest then manoeuvring Justin onto his back. He really didn't want to think about sex with Paul or anyone else at the moment. 

“Are you kidding?” Brian smiled as he trailed his tongue down Justin's neck. He continued on until he reached his goal. Justin gasped arching up into the other man's mouth. 

“Brian, I'm trying to talk to you.” He argued, but the lust in his voice undermined his conviction. 

“Talk then, I'm not stopping you. You don't talk out of your ass do you?” Brian reasoned as he moved lower determined to give the blond the rim job of his life. Justin gasped in response. Brian knew that all coherent conversation was out of the question for the next hour.

******* 

Two hours later they were stepping out of the shower, Brian handed Justin a towel then grabbed one for himself. He felt insatiable. Now that he and Justin had finally reached this point once more, it was if his body was driven to make up for lost time. 

“So, you were saying…” Brian offered resisting the urge to start the next round. Justin furrowed his brow trying to remember what it was that he had been saying prior to the amazing rim job and two fucks. 

“I was just wondering if sex was the same for you when you were with other men.” Justin remembered. 

“No. Nothing like this.” Brian admitted. “It was fucking.” 

“We just fucked.” Justin argued causally. 

“If that's what you think we just did, you have forgotten the difference.” Brian threw his towel over the hook and strode from the cramped room. Justin watched him go trying to understand. 

“I wasn't saying it was bad.” Justin defended as he followed. 

“I know you weren't, but it wasn't fucking, not really.” Brian grabbed the phone and indicated that they were ready for their luggage. “Do you ever remember me asking a trick if something felt good, or if they liked it this way or that?” Justin shook his head smirking as he did. “That's the difference. Fucking is,” Brian paused looking for the word, “selfish.” 

“Even with Paul?” Justin pressed. 

“It was better with Paul, but even with Paul I was selfish prick most of the time. I can't name one sensitive spot on his body, other than his cock. Whereas with you,” He leered his eyes raking over the naked porcelain body before him,” I have a map in my head of no less than twenty.” Brian offered the smaller man an affectionate smile. 

“Why haven't you ever explained it that way before?” Justin asked. 

“You never asked me the question.” Brian replied. “Now, what are we going to do today?” 

“Go home?” Justin offered not wanting to face all that remained unresolved just yet. 

“No, not yet.” Brian rolled his lips into his mouth as he held Justin's gaze. Justin sighed moving to the window. Brian recognized now that it was a sign that the man was trying to avoid something, searching for some magical escape route. He moved up behind him using his hand to wipe the remaining water droplets from Justin's back. 

“Let's leave it all behind Justin.” Brian offered encouragingly. “Leave nothing undone this time.” Justin knew the older man was right but felt his stomach twist just thinking of what he knew he needed to do in order to walk away cleanly. “What is it?” Brian pressed. He'd sensed when they were here early in the week that Justin had unresolved business. Matters that had been too painful to face months earlier when he was struggling to escape the city, but now perhaps had regained enough strength to confront. 

“I need to check his grave. I needed to do better by him.” He managed his voice filled with regret. 

“Tell me.” Brian turned the man until they were facing one another. Justin shook his head. 

“It's my problem.” Justin offered. Brian reached up cupping the younger man's chin and tilting it up to meet his gaze. 

“We're together now, Justin. There is no mine or yours. It's all ours now. I want to help you with this but you have to let me. Stop trying to be noble and let's just get through it.” He earnestly pleaded. Justin took a deep breath then nodded, relenting to the older man's truth. 

“Well there's a marker but he was buried in Thiais.” Justin admitted weakly. Brian furrowed his brow shrugging impatiently. Justin closed his eyes turning back to the window unable to stand the look that he knew would be on Brian's face once he explained. “I sold everything that we had.” He wrapped his arms around himself. Brian's concern and confusion deepened. “I managed the name plate.” Justin shrugged helplessly. “But they buried him at Thiais, it's where the indigent are buried.” Justin bit his lip, forcing it to cease its trembling. Brian clenched his jaw fighting his anger once more that Justin's lover had left him so impoverished on so many levels. 

“We'll visit his grave.” Brian refused to linger on the moment. “Graves are graves, Justin. The dead don't care where we plant them.” 

“I know you're right, but it was just that it was the last thing that I did for him and it feels as though I failed him.” Brian reached out immediately and pulled Justin to him. 

“No Justin, you didn't fail him. How could you think that?” Brian asked softly kissing the top of the younger man's head wishing he had a way to help Justin see all that he'd given to Andy. 

“I don't want to talk about it.” Justin whispered into his chest. “I just want to get this over with so I can go on with my life.” Brian didn't argue instead he moved them both back into the room wishing their luggage would arrive so that they could dress and get on with this day. 

*******************
They ate little in the cafe and spoke even less as they seemed lost in their own thoughts. 

“I should call Juliann.” Justin looked up meeting Brian's eyes. 

“Who's Juliann?” He asked as he finished his coffee. 

“Andy's sister.” Justin admitted weakly. “I was a real shit to her after he died. I was just so pissed off at the way his whole family bailed on him, on us.” 

“Then fuck her.” Brian offered surprised to learn that Justin had contact with Andy's family and yet seemed to have faced the illness alone. 

“No, he'd want me to talk to her. She had questions.” His voice trailed off. Brian reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell. 

“It's international.” He admitted reluctantly as he handed it to the younger man. Justin pulled out his wallet. Brian was surprised to see the blond pull out a business card and begin dialing. “You carry her number?” He asked incredulously. 

“Yeah, I'm not sure why.” Justin offered convincing Brian that he truly wasn't. A moment later Justin began speaking to Andy's sister. 

“allô ? Juliann ?” Justin offered. Brian raised his eyebrows. “I just said hello.” Justin offered covering the mouth piece. Brian waited as the woman obviously responded. Justin continued. 
 “J'ai besoin de te parler.” He paused. ‘I need to speak with you.' He mouthed to Brian who nodded. “Non.,je suis de retour à Paris.” He shifted in his seat. 

‘No, I'm back in Paris.'  He mouthed once more as Brian leaned in feeling suddenly apprehensive as the blond tensed slightly before responding to the woman's next question. “Non , je suis avec un ami.” Brian kept his eyes fixed on Justin's. “I told her I was with a friend. She thought I was alone.” Justin whispered then looked away as Juliann hit him with a series of questions. The blond grew quite for a longer period of time. 

“Peux-tu me retrouver aujourd'hui ?” He finally offered sounding weary. Brian felt the sudden urge to pull the phone from Justin's hand and tell the woman to fuck off. Whatever it was she was saying seemed to be upsetting him. 

“What did you just say?” Brian insisted loudly. Justin covered the phone before replying. 

"I asked if she could meet me today.” He rubbed his free hand over his face and threw his hair obviously frustrated. “Juliann? Juliann?” He tried to get her to listen. “Nous allons sur la tombe d'Andy.” He blurted out. 

Brian understood that one. He wondered how the sister would react to Justin taking a friend to see her brother's grave. Justin sighed resting his head in his free hand. It was obvious that the brief conversation was draining him. 
   
“Je ne sais pas. J'ai juste besoin de la revoir je suppose.” He offered. Brian reached out touching the younger man's hand. Justin intertwined their fingers then looked up. “She wants to know why I'm going to see the grave. I told her I didn't really know. I just needed to see it again.” Justin's voice was weaker now. Brian was beginning to think that perhaps some things should remain unsettled in Paris. 

“Au déjeuner donc ?” Justin asked holding Brian's hand. “Nous te retrouverons là bas” He offered. Brian waited realizing from the shift in tone that Justin and Juliann had reached some sort of agreement. 

“We're meeting her for lunch at her place.” Justin handed the phone back to Brian. 

“At her place.” Brian seemed none too happy. 

“What?” Justin asked. 

“I'm just surprised.” Brian offered. “Did you and Andy go there often?” 

“Never.” Justin laughed though there was no humor in it. “She never had us over. Not once.” He sipped his coffee. “I guess she was afraid we'd fuck on the table.” 

“We'll it wouldn't be the first time you were fucked on a table.” Brian leered gaining him a small and real laugh. 

“That's true.” Justin leaned back letting the sun chase away the storm of emotions Juliann had set in motion. “Good times.” Justin sighed winking at his lover. It was Brian's turn to laugh as he took the check and paid it. 

************************* 
“So where the fuck does she live?” Brian groused as they entered the cab. 

“In the 18 th district of Paris.” Justin offered then leaned toward the front seat speaking to the driver. “ 230 rue Championnet dans le 18ème.” He was feeling very apprehensive about this meeting and found himself wondering why the fuck he'd felt it necessary. He felt as though on some level he was betraying his dead lover by giving his sister this little ounce of peace that he had to offer. After all she'd never come by, never held Andy's hand or offered him any compassion or encouragement even in the end. 

Justin had always sensed that she was tolerating him whenever they were around one another. He'd never understood that. He'd felt certain that at some point Andy and his sister had been close, but in the three years that they'd been together they hardly spoke. Families were such complicated entities. Justin had long since given up any hopes of understanding them. He would certainly never understand how his own father had loved him one day then despised him the next. He knew his father would never come to see him even if he were dying of AIDS, so why had he expected more of Andy's family? 

“Talk to me.” Brian offered having watched the myriad of emotions cross his young lover's face. 

“Why the fuck am I doing this? She was such a fucking bitch to him.” Justin sighed debating on whether he should just call the whole thing off and head back to the hotel. 

“What would Andy do? What do you think he'd want you to do?” Brian asked knowing that Justin seemed determined to follow Andy's wishes despite any personal suffering that might result. 

“I don't know.” Justin offered honestly. “What do you think?” He turned facing the other man. 

“Well I sure as fuck wouldn't know.” Brian admitted staring out the opposite window. Justin watched his profile for a moment then wrapped his arms around Brian moving to stare out the same window. He knew Brian was trying to be supportive. It had to be hard given that Justin had shared two good years with Andy and had it not been for the illness might still very well be sharing his life with the blond. 

“I'm just nervous.” Justin admitted trying to reassure Brian. 

“I was going to leave you there, to talk in private but now I'm thinking I should stay.” Brian glanced back. 

“I'm fine.” Justin assured him offering him what he hoped was a convincing smile. 

“You don't seem fine.” Brian challenged not buying Justin's bullshit. 

“Okay, I'm not but I'll be worse if you have to watch me go through this with her.” Brian read the truth in his gaze and knew what he had to do. He had to trust Justin. “It might get ugly.” 

“Why do you say that?” Brian furrowed his brow. 

“She never really cared for me. I could never tell if it was the fact that Andy was gay or that Andy was gay and with me, or if it was just me.” He shook his head smiling as he remembered their rare interactions. “She seemed distant at the funeral, polite but in a perfunctory way. It was weird, but then I was a mess, hardly capable of rational thought.” Brian knew Justin making excuses trying to convince himself that he wasn't walking into a lion's den. 

“I'll leave you but I'll have my phone.” He took his business card and pressed it into Justin's palm. “Call me.” Justin felt the warmth of Brian's reassurance fill his body and suddenly he felt as if he could face anything, as long as Brian was near. 

*********
The building was nice, far cleaner than the area he and Andy had occupied. The street was lined with shops, families, young singles successful and moving up. A far cry from the dark shadows of the street he and Andy had shared where prostitutes littered the corners and a black marketer resided down at the end of the alley. 

Justin shook those haunting images from him as he ascended the stairs. This wasn't about what he'd endured, this was about Andy. This was for Andy. He'd always spoken so fondly of his sister and of all the people he'd hoped to see before his death, Juliann's absence seemed to haunt his lover the most. 

Justin stood outside the door for several moments before he finally found the strength to knock. He turned and walked away twice before finally screwing his courage to the sticking place and rapping lightly on the dark wood. It opened immediately. He felt his breath catch, he'd forgotten how much Juliann favored her brother. Their eyes were the same as were their smiles. 

“Hello Justin” She seemed subdued causing the blond to offer a sigh of relief. She'd seemed so angry on the phone. “English is fine.” She added realizing that even as fluent at Justin was with French her English was probably better. 

“Hi Juliann.” He offered softly still overwhelmed by an unexpected wave of sorrow. 

“Come in.” She stepped aside. “I'm afraid I haven't much to offer for lunch.” She excused, collecting stray pencils from the small table by the sofa, her latest designs littering the floor. 

“I didn't give you much notice.” He offered. “Besides I'm not very hungry.” 

“Oh but you know I'm far too French to let you leave without food.” She forced a laugh then took a shaky breath. This was far too difficult to maintain a false pretense. 

“It's hard isn't?” He asked the obvious. Nodding she turned to move to the chair nearby, taking advantage of the opportunity to wipe a stray tear before turning back to the blond. There was something very important missing between them, that huge chasm being the person that they both loved: Andy. 

“You look good. You must be taking care of yourself.” She offered almost succeeding in sounding as though she cared. 

“I'm not sick Juliann.” He clarified resenting her polite indifference. She furrowed her brow fighting the urge to satisfy her questions. She didn't want this to turn into a confrontation, but somehow knew she would not be able to contain her feelings for long. She had no clue why Justin had now wandered back into her life, but surely he hadn't come by just to tell her that he was planning on doing his duty as the mourning widower by visiting her brother's grave. 

Juliann had fantasized about this moment since the day her brother had died. She felt like pinching herself even now just to insure it was not some elaborate illusion. This was her chance to set the record straight, to get all the lies out of the way. Before he left, Justin would know all that he'd cost her precious brother. 

“Well, it is good of you to come and see me.” She stopped then corrected, “I mean both of us. You are going out to the grave?” She'd reacted badly on the phone to that news. It wasn't that he was going to the grave. It was that he was taking someone with him. She had her suspicions surrounding his companion. 

“Yes.” He offered. “Do you ever-“ 

“No.” She jumped in a bit too quickly. “I did. At first, I went regularly, but not now. Life can get so busy.” She knew it wasn't a good excuse and in fact wasn't even an accurate one but it was all she was willing to offer at the moment. “So you are here with someone? Are they coming by soon?” She'd expected two and was perplexed for find Justin alone. If it was the man Juliann suspected she definitely wanted to get a look at him. 

“Brian gave me the option. I felt it was better if I came here alone.” Justin rolled his lips into his mouth wondering how much he was going to be willing to share, how much he owed this woman. He was amazed how the months had healed the deep feelings of resentment he'd held toward her. Perhaps he just didn't have the strength to hate her anymore. 

“Brian?” The name was familiar. Try as she might the bitterness bled through. 

“Yes. He's here with me.” Justin paused then added. “It's complicated.” He hated how defensive he suddenly felt. Her eyes confirmed his own belief that perhaps his recovery was moving a bit too quickly in light of the years he'd spent with Andy. 

“I know that name.” She accused. Justin looked up in surprise. 

“What?” He questioned. 

“Brian, he's the one right? The one you left the States because of? The one that you loved?” Her voice was hard, her eyes narrow. Justin knew those eyes and where that expression was leading. 

“I didn't come here to debate my personal life Juliann. I came out of respect for Andy. I thought that he would want me to tell you how he felt since he never had the opportunity to tell you himself.” The hardness was back and the shift wasn't lost on Juliann. 

“Ah yes, here is the real Justin.” She grumbled bitterly. Justin huffed a bitter laugh clenching his jaw as he tried to maintain his composure. 

“I know you never really liked me…” 

“Liked you? I loathed you! I thought you were the biggest mistake my brother ever made. I told him that you would hurt him. Did he tell you that? I told him I couldn't watch you do it, so as long as you were in the picture I couldn't be.” Justin's eyes went wide as the words sunk deeper. “Ah, and my darling brother never told you did he? He never told you that you were the reason for his estrangement from me.” 

“I don't understand—“ 

“You show up here with the very man that my brother feared the most and you don't understand?” She laughed softly. “Andy always told me how brilliant you were, I guess he was wrong about that as well.” 

“Why are you doing this?” Justin accused reeling from the revelation that Andy had chosen him over the love he felt for his sister. 

“Because I thought you should know.” She spat rising from her chair. “The same reason you're here today, because you think you have some scrap of information that you have to impart so that I can fully understand what a shit I was to him.”
 
“You're wrong.” Justin replied holding to his composure. “I came here because I knew Andy would want you to know that he didn't blame you for not coming by. He loved you and realized it was hard to watch him disappear a little more each day.” The words felt much like a physical slap to the woman as she wrapped her mind around each one, carefully storing them in her heart, knowing that she would live on them for weeks, months, years. “I never knew that you made him choose.” 

“He came to me.” Juliann confessed. “It was shortly after he met you. He was very upset. He had seen some sketch that you'd made. He knew.” Her eyes leveled on him. “He knew he would never be that person in your life and yet he loved you anyway.” Justin looked to the floor feeling his composure snap as he did so. He swallowed hard feeling the tears fill his eyes. He closed them tightly willing them to leave. He would not give her the satisfaction of knowing how her malice was affecting him. 

“I loved him.” Justin offered his voice hoarse. “He had to know that.” 

“He did.” She threw the crumb of sanity at his feet. “But I have to know Justin. Was it your love for that man that drove him to do whatever it was that got him infected?” She moved towards the blond until she was standing only inches away. “It was, wasn't it?” He glanced up then and she read it in his eyes. 

“I knew it.” She whispered. “I knew you would be the death of him.” 

“Nothing happened.” Justin confessed. “It wasn't like I fucked someone behind his back. Brian was in Pittsburgh. I was here with Andy.” Justin defended. “He got upset over some stupid sketches.” Justin offered hating the pleading tone in his voice. How had this moment turned against him? His coming here was about his nobility, his generosity, and yet here he was defending himself against Juliann's righteous indignation. 

“Sketches?” She railed. “He was infected over a handful of sketches?” Justin backed away. “Be serious Justin, it wasn't about sketches; it was about that man and who he was in your life! Who this Brian would always be in your life!” 
“I have to go.” Justin offered his stomach threatening to empty. 

“Yes, run away Justin. Run away with your precious Brian, but I hope that everyday that you're with him you realize what your love cost my brother!” She sobbed. “I'll never forgive you.” She screamed as Justin closed the door behind him. 

He leaned against the wall taking several deep breaths trying to hold himself together against the war of emotions raging through his body. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the card Brian had given him earlier. Knocking on the next door, he quietly asked to use their phone. He wasn't sure if it was out of pity or fear, but the woman relented. 

“Hey.” Brian answered. A warm rush of reassurance flooded Justin's body deepening his struggle. 

“Brian.” His voice was so strained and thin Brian knew immediately that things had gone badly. 

“I'm downstairs. I'm coming up.” Brian disconnected as he entered the building and began taking the stairs two at a time. 

********
Juliann sat in the middle of her living room with her brother's old sketches, paintings and photographs scattered all about. She was startled by a knock at her door. She wasn't expecting anyone so she chose to ignore it. The knocking grew louder making it impossible for her to submerge once more in the images of her brother. Spitting a curse she rose and stormed to the entrance, throwing the door back she furrowed her brow. She'd never seen this man before in her life. 

“Juliann?” The accent was American. She set her jaw. “I'm Brian Kinney and we're going to have a little chat.” He pushed past her entering her home. He glanced around noting how well the young woman was doing. 

“Get out!” She spat. 

“I will, but first you're going to hear what I have to say.” He turned on her then glanced back over his shoulder into her living room noting the mess on the floor. 

“You have nothing I want to hear.” She continued to stand at the door holding it open making it clear that she was ready for him to leave. He moved forward and slammed it forcefully. 
“I don't give a fuck if you want to hear it or not. You're going to listen to me.” He glared down at her. He had amazing hazel eyes, fierce and yet a part of her realized there was a depth there that was both frightening and compelling. She pushed the thought away taking a step back. 

“You have five minutes.” She declared crossing her arms over her chest. 

“You have no idea what you did to him today do you? You have no idea what it's been like for him? Not a fucking clue. Do you know what he sacrificed for Andy? Any suspicions on what it took to keep Andy in pain meds? Where the fuck do you think that money came from?” She shifted nervously. She'd never bothered to ask. 

“I sent cash.” She defended. 

“Not enough.” He accused. He moved deeper into her apartment. She watched him stalk around the papers on the floor. She cleared her throat resenting the way he intimidated her. 

“So he sent you here to plead his case, to redeem him for being the cause of Andy's death?” She stepped forward. Brian turned facing her once more, a myriad of possibilities playing through his mind. Surely Justin hadn't confessed to the euthanasia. 

“What are you talking about?” Brian felt it important to clarify before he gave anything away. “He hasn't said a word since I picked him up. It's like half an hour with you managed to set him back months in recovery.” Juliann studied this man for a long moment trying to get a sense of him. 

“I don't give a fuck about his recovery. My brother is dead because of him!” She screeched, her grief evident in each word. 

“What about your brother? Would he give a fuck about Justin's recovery? Would he want you to give a fuck about it? But then what do you care, you don't really give a shit about your brother.” Brian accused. 

“You don't know me.” She warned. “How dare you come in here and speak of things you could never understand.” She glowered. 

“You're the one that doesn't understand.” He assured her. 
“He never got over you.” She offered with mock sincerity. “Justin worshiped you. He called your name out in their bed. Did you know that? Andy always said there was a sadness about Justin, that somewhere deep inside Justin seemed to die a little more each day that he wasn't with you.” She moved still closer to the American. “My foolish brother did everything he could to get that man to love him, to help Justin let you go, to move on and have a life, but Justin wouldn't or maybe he couldn't.” Juliann noted the way her words were affecting the American and took pleasure in his pain. It was after all miniscule compared to what Andy had endured. “I always had my suspicions that this unrequited love was behind my brother's death. Justin all but admitted today.” Brian reeled from the revelation holding to his composure long enough to finish with this woman. Before he bought into her bullshit, he was going to make it clear what Andy had cost Justin. 

“Andy died because he went out and let some guy fuck him, the condom broke and then instead of coming home to his partner and telling him, he fucked Justin, exposed him to HIV, to R9!” Brian spat. “Yeah that's love, that's deep, abiding, selfless love.” Brian stopped her in her tracks. 

“He –“ 

“Yeah.” Brian continued. “Andy the martyr didn't tell you that part?” 

“We seldom spoke.” She confessed. 

“Really? And why was that?” Brian asked. “I mean if you LOVED him so much, I would have expected a daily call.” 

“We were estranged. I knew Justin was going to hurt him so I made him choose. I thought it was the only way I could force him to walk away from that disaster.” It was Juliann's turn to sound defensive. 

“Good thinking.” Brian mocked sarcastically capitalizing on the moment. 

“He killed my brother!” She yelled. “I'll never forgive him” 

“No Juliann, some nameless fuck on the street killed your brother. Justin ran himself into the ground trying to keep him alive!” Brian clarified. “You have no idea what he did to keep your brother going. You have no idea what Andy demanded. All that time dealing with the hell of HIV, Justin was forced to wonder if he too was infected. Infected by the same man who was throwing up, pissing the bed, crying out for God knows what.” Brian sighed his anger giving way to the depth of what Justin had endured. “Justin loved him and Andy was a lucky son-of-a-bitch to have had that love. Trust me I know.” Brian stalked forward glaring into her face. “Your loving selfless brother came home after taking it up the ass from a nameless trick, knowing he could very well have been infected, crawled into bed with Justin and proceeded to expose him as well. I guess Andrew decided misery loves company and I'll never forgive Andy for that.” 

“Fuck you.” She growled watching as he stalked back toward her door. 

“Go to hell.” Brian spat back over his shoulder. “Say hello to your brother when you get there.” He stalked out slamming the door behind him. 

********
When Justin woke he was alone in the dark. He sat up waiting for his eyes to adjust. He wasn't sure what time it was the clock by the bed was blinking midnight. 

“Brian?” He whispered into the darkness. “Brian?” He called a little louder feeling a slight wave of relief to know that he was alone. He moved out of the bed to the window. Pulling back the curtain he found the tower standing before him. He tried to discern if she was mocking him or comforting him. He couldn't remember how many nights he'd sat staring out at her, finding comfort in the fact that she always seemed so unaffected by all that happened around her. Justin wasn't sure how long he'd been standing there when he heard the door to the room open. 

He turned and made out Brian's silhouette against the light from the corridor. 

“Where were you?” He asked his voice hoarse from disuse. 

“I had an errand.” Brian offered casually. Justin suspected where Brian had been but didn't push it. He doubted that he'd had anymore luck with Juliann than the blond had, but it somehow comforted Justin to know that he'd more than likely tried. 

“She's intense.” Justin offered. 

“Nice way of putting it. I'll have to remember that the next time I'm trying to describe Melanie.” Justin laughed as did Brian. 

“You okay?” He asked as he sat his phone and wallet on the dresser turning on the lamp as he did so. 

“Yeah.” Justin admitted weakly. “Sorry about before.” He blushed slightly embarrassed by his state when Brian had finally reached him and helped him into the cab. 

“It was nothing.” Brian dismissed. 

“Don't you ever get sick of rescuing me?” Justin asked sincerely. Brian smiled softly as he made his way over to the blond. 

“Don't you realize you saved me years ago?” Brian asked his eyes serious as he brought his lips down to meet Justin's. 

“What time is it?” Justin asked as Brian pulled away. 

“Time to go home.” Brian finally admitted. Justin nodded. 

“I want to see his grave.” He replied. It was the last thing he felt that he needed. 

“We can go tomorrow morning.” Brian offered. “Then leave the day after. I want to take you out one last time before we leave.” Justin tightened his grip on Brian's waist enjoying the feel of Brian's arms enfolding him. 

“So I guess she told you.” He offered his voice slightly muffled by Brian's shirt. 

“That is was your love for me that killed her brother?” Brian offered. He felt Justin nod in response. Brian tightened his hold then placed a gentle kiss to Justin's head. “Yeah, so I cleared it up for her.” Justin pulled back meeting his gaze. 

“What did you say?” He asked. 

“I told her that you didn't kill Andy, that some nameless faceless fuck did.” Brian offered. 

“He was jealous.” Justin confessed. “He knew I cared for you. We were so broke. I came home. He was tearing out sketches from my book to sell.” He tried to move back to the window but Brian held him in place refusing to let go. Justin sighed then swallowed hard trying to force the lump from this throat. “I told him I wouldn't sell the ones of you.” He glanced up meeting Brian's gaze. “They were all I had left.” 

Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and nodded conveying the depth of his understanding. After all he too had held on to one of Justin's sketch books. 

“He was furious. He said terrible things. He told me to get out, but I knew he didn't mean it.” A soft sob escaped Justin's lips as he continued. “When he came home, he was different. I should have known. I should have let him have them.” He sniffed. “They were just sketches. You were gone. I knew I'd never have you again. It was over. I should have just let him sell them.” He collapsed in Brian's arms, the depth of regret and remorse wrenched from his body. 

Brian held him through it as he had in the cottage. Justin was the innocent in all of it and yet he was the one who had been sentenced to two years of hard time, beating his head against a wall of guilt and shame that Brian couldn't imagine. 

“It wasn't your fault.” Brian whispered. “I kept your sketches too.” He offered. Justin finally pulled back sniffing then wiping his eyes. “They weren't of you, but you had drawn them. You had touched them. I remember once Paul needed a pencil and he found one in my desk, he used it then lost it somewhere. I came home, opened my desk and it was gone. I went nuts. He never understood. Thought I was being a selfish prick, but it was because it was one of your sketch pencils. It was the only one I had. You had used it last and sometimes I would just hold it because it was yours.” Brian bit his lip to stop it from trembling. 

“We really fucked it up didn't we?” Justin asked softly. 
“Yeah we did, but we aren't responsible for how others fucked up. You aren't responsible for Andy running out into the night to get even. I'm not responsible for the evil shit Paul did once I asked him to leave.” Justin realized it was true. “Bad shit happened Justin but none of it had anything to do with us.” Justin leaned back into Brian's damp shirt. 

“I think I ruined your shirt.” He confessed. 

“Good thing we're in Paris, I'm pretty sure they have some more Dior's here.” Justin laughed softly and Brian joined in. 
“Know what?” Justin offered wiping his eyes once more as he stepped out of Brian's embrace. “I'm hungry.” Brian laughed louder this time rolling his eyes. 

“I'm so surprised!” He quipped. “We can go out.” Brian reached for him pulling him to his body, grateful that they had finally gotten it all out into the open. 

“Do you think I'll ever get over this?” Justin asked wearily as he moved to his discarded clothing. 

“No.” Brian admitted honestly. “But I think in time it won't hurt so much.” It wasn't exactly what Justin wanted to hear but it was the truth and somehow that had to be enough. 

*********
Thiais. It was peaceful and beautiful. Brian wasn't sure what he'd expected but this was far more than whatever it was. He moved along side Justin until they reached the marker with Andy's name. 

“It took all I had to get the coffin and name.” Justin admitted. He laid the few roses on the white stark marble top of the grave. Brian found himself wondering how the indigent were buried in America. Somehow he doubted that it was this nice. 
“Nice place.” Brian offered. 

“Yeah, it is. I hate that it's the pauper field but we were paupers.” He kept his eyes fixed on the grave. “You know Andy would never talk about death before he got sick.” Justin volunteered. “He was so superstitious.” He shook his head. “He made us walk two blocks out of our way because of a black cat once.” Justin laughed at the memory. 

“Sounds like a nut.” Brian offered tongue and cheek. 

“An amazing nut.” Justin looked up meeting Brian's gaze. 
Brian reached down and pulled the blond to his feet. “He could make me laugh when no one else could. He'd just do something so silly, never caring what anyone around him thought.” Justin laughed remembering some of the fonder moments. “It seems like forever ago.” Justin admitted. Brian waited until the blond looked up meeting his gaze. 
“I'm glad you loved him. I'm glad he loved you back.” Brian confessed cupping the blond's chin. “But he's gone and I'm here Justin. I'm here.” Justin nodded laying his head against Brian's chest enjoying the strength that filled him as Brian enclosed him in a tight embrace. 

“I love you Brian.” He whispered. 

“I love you too Justin.” Brian pulled back after a few moments. “You ready to go? Or would you like to be alone here for a little while?” Justin glanced back down at the grave. It had been so horrific. The entire ordeal had been long, painful, desperate, and bankrupting on so many levels. 
“I'm glad it's over.” Justin confessed. “Is that so wrong? Is that horrible? Does it make me a monster?” 

“I think that's where we all get at some point.” Brian replied honestly. “I think there is only so much suffering any one person can endure whether they are experiencing it personally or witnessing it second hand. There comes a time when has to stop. Andy's misery ended months ago. You've suffered far longer than he did.” Justin huffed a sigh as he realized Brian was right. “Let's go home. It's done.” 

“Yeah.” Justin nodded rolling his lips into his mouth. “It's done.” They moved out of Thiais arm in arm neither man speaking, both letting the stark white marble stones speak for themselves. 

As they reached the entrance Justin froze as they recognized a familiar blonde leaning against the gate. Brian stiffened protectively noting the hesitation in Justin's step. 
“I was hoping perhaps we could talk.” Juliann offered as she stepped into the path. 

“I don't think that's a good idea.” Brian interceded. 

“Please Justin.” She pleaded. “I promise it won't take long.” 

Justin sighed then nodded to Brian indicating that he was okay. Brian took a couple of steps to the side but stayed close enough to jump into the fray if the woman started going places the blond didn't need to revisit. 

“He's quite protective of you.” She noted glancing in Brian's direction. 

“What do you want?” Justin asked wearily. Juliann noted the sorrow in his eyes and realized that she had placed it there. 

“I thought about what Brian said yesterday.” She began. “You know, you do look good.” She offered casually her demeanor throwing Justin off for a second. “I started thinking about the way you looked the day we buried him.” She glanced up pressing her lips together. “You've gained what, 10, 15 kilos?” 

“About 13.” Justin admitted. She nodded. 

“You were so thin. I thought you had it.” She admitted. “I can't imagine how you managed on the little that you had. I mean it was a struggle with both of you working, but to deal with Andy being so sick, needing so much, and not having the time to work…”Her voice trailed off. 

“I did what I had to do.” Justin offered his eyes revealing all that entailed. She realized that her worst suspicions had just been confirmed. 

“I should have sent more.” She offered. 

“What you sent helped.” Justin admitted. 

“It wasn't enough. It wasn't near what I could have sent, but I was so angry.” She excused then cleared her throat refusing to revisit that topic. 

“I'm glad you're well.” She offered sincerely this time. “I didn't realize he'd exposed you, willingly exposed you.” Justin winced and she was touched by the betrayal the blond still felt and yet refused to voice. “You really loved Andy didn't you?” 

“Of course I did.” He replied indignantly. “I adored him. He was funny, smart, handsome, so…” He hesitated searching for the right word. “Alive. He was so easy to love and generous. He was open and honest, most of the time, but most of all he loved me.” Justin bit his lip erasing the unshed tears from his eyes. “I'll always love Andy. I'll always think of him, but I don't want to remember him with feelings of guilt, regret and remorse. I want to remember him with joy, acceptance, and peace. Those are the feelings he gave to me.” Juliann wiped her eyes looking away until she could regain her composure. 

“I was wrong about you.” She admitted. Justin realized how difficult that was for the woman to admit and refused to comment. “I was wrong about a lot of things. I wasted the last year of my brother's life being angry, bitter and hateful.” She pressed her fingers to her eyes forcing the tears to remain unshed. “I can't ever get that year back Justin. It's gone.” 

“I know.” He admitted understanding the depth of her pain. “I spent the last year lost in those feelings. But now I have this chance to go on. I'd be a fool to let it pass me by.” He offered his voice barely above a whisper. Juliann glanced over at Brian, smiling as she turned back to her brother's ex. 
“Yes, you would.” She nodded. “Andy would want you to be happy.” She assured him. 

“And he'd want the same for you.” Justin replied. His words seemed to snap some invisible band that had been wrapped around her heart as Juliann reached out and gently embraced the man offering him what little forgiveness she had to offer and accepting the absolution she'd never realized she needed in return. 
*********

It was their last night in Paris. Brian was encouraged to see how quickly Justin had recovered from his final conversation with Juliann. 

“How is your horse?” Brian teased as Justin laughed taking another bite of his entrée. 

“It's grrrreat.” He neighed causing the older man to laugh as well. “How's your dog?” 

“This isn't dog.” Brian argued. 

“That's what you ordered.” Justin replied matter of factly. 

Brian hesitated a moment before the glint in Justin's eyes told him he had nothing to worry about. 

“It's pork. I know meat.” Brian raised his brow. 

“Yes well you are a connoisseur of meat.” Justin agreed getting his meaning. That was the thing about Justin, he understood Brian in ways that no one else ever had or would. Brian cleared his throat taking a sip of his wine. He reached into his lap nervously clutching his napkin wondering if he was about to make a huge mistake. 

“What's wrong?” Justin looked up his brow furrowing at the panicked expression on his lover's face. “It really is pork.” He tried to reassure Brian who merely shook his head indicating that his entrée wasn't the issue. 

“I want to give you something.” Brian offered. “But I'm not sure if I should, now.” He glanced around the restaurant then back at the blond. 

“They're more accepting of homosexuals here in Paris,” Justin glanced around the crowded dining room then turned back to his lover, “ but I do believe public displays of fellatio would get us kicked out of here.” Justin laughed. Brian tried to laugh as well but felt too nervous. Justin sobered. “Okay, now I'm worried.” He announced. Brian shook his head frustrated with his own indecision. This wasn't like him. He had no idea why he was feeling so apprehensive. He'd planned this for months. 

Reaching into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet bag and laid it on the table. Justin glanced down at it setting his fork down and taking a drink of water before meeting Brian's gaze. He stared at the man expectantly. Brian said nothing merely looked to the bag then back to Justin. 

The blond smirked in confusion as he picked it up. He slowly pulled it open then emptied the contents into his hand. It was a platinum ring perfectly polished. He glanced up his eyes unreadable. 

“I had it made.” Brian offered. “It's you.” Justin suddenly felt a lump in his throat as he began to examine the ring more closely ignoring the significance of the gesture for the moment as he concentrated on the ring itself. It was perfectly polished, smooth and sleek. Even in the dim light of the restaurant it shone out bright with amazing light. Under closer inspection Justin noticed an intricate pattern much like the one he'd used in creating Brian's ring but this time the pattern was located inside the ring. He smiled marveling at it. He looked up expectantly. 

“You're bright and shining on the outside but there's so much more to you than just a great smile and fantastic ass.” Justin laughed in spite of the intensity of the moment. Brain gave him a grateful smile. 

“So what does this mean?” Justin asked still holding the band in his hand. It was then that Brian rose in the crowded room and moved to kneel beside the blond's chair. Justin's eyes went wide at the boldness of the gesture. 

“Justin Taylor will you marry me?” Brian asked reaching up and taking the ring from the younger man's hand. “I love you. I've lost you twice. I have no intention of letting that happen again.” Justin felt his heart pounding in his chest as he stared into the deep hazel eyes he'd loved since the first night he'd spent in Brian's arms. 

“Yes.” He whispered as Brian quietly took the ring and slipped it onto Justin's finger. It was only then that the two men realized that the dining room had gone quiet. Refusing to give a shit what the witnesses thought Justin leaned in sealing the promise with a deep and passionate kiss. 

As the two men parted, applause broke out around them as one couple after another came to offer their congratulations to the young men. Three bottles of champagne arrived along with no less than four desserts. Brian felt overwhelmed by the response but more so by the feeling of security and hope he felt coursing through his body. 

“Let's move here.” Brian suggested surprising the blond who was starting on his second dessert. Brian stole the cherry from the tart then sipped his final glass of champagne. 

“Let's get married first.” Justin offered. “Then let's see where the wind blows us.” 

“Could you live here?” Brian asked. “With me?” Justin considered his words then replied with only a moment's hesitation. 

“I can do anything, with you.” Brian leaned over the table kissing him once more. “That's what I like to hear.” He teased. 
Once they had finished their dinner they attempted to pay but the owner refused to accept payment for their meal assuring them that he'd more than been compensated by all the well wishers. Giddily the two men headed back to the hotel. They had an early flight to catch and a wedding to plan. Justin leaned into his future husband as they strode down the sidewalk enjoying the music that floated along side them as they passed the various cafés. 

“It would be nice to walk down any street in America and feel this way.” Brian observed. 

“Yes, it would.” Justin admitted. “I missed some things about the States but hate filled homophobes weren't on the list.” Brian tightened his grip on the younger man. 

“I'll have to get you a ring.” Justin realized as they came into view of their hotel. 

“I already have one.” Brian reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring Justin had made for him years before. 

“Are you sure you want that one?” Justin questioned not wanting the unpleasant memories surrounding the ring to bleed over into their new life together. 

“I'm sure. I love it.” Brian handed it to the blond. They stopped while Justin carefully placed the ring on Brian's finger. 

“Brian Kinney, will you marry me?” He asked sounding as though he could barely contain his joy. 

“Yes.” Brian leaned down kissing the blond once more. He deepened the kiss before pulling away. Justin's eyes shone up at him, much as they had under a street lamp years before, filled with wonder, anticipation, and hope. “So where are you headed?” He asked seductively hoping Justin would catch on. 

“No place special.” The blond didn't disappoint. 

“I can change that.” Brian played out the scene. 

“You already have.” Justin confessed kissing the man once more before leading him back to their hotel longing to share their special place once more. 

Epilogue 

Gorgiana's was busier than usual. Paul and Jeff stood waiting to be seated. 

“I can't believe we've been standing here for half an hour even with a reservation.” Paul leveled a glare at the hostess who was currently assessing which table might work for the two gentlemen. 

“Paul, let's not be nasty. So they're busy? That's a good sign.” He teased. “After all we are about to be seated and enjoy a lovely meal.” Jeff attempted to soothe the other man. 
“Well, it will be nice to have some good pasta. I haven't eaten here in ages.” His voice held a sad note as he considered the last time he'd dined at this establishment. Jeff reached out and placed a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. It had been hard for Paul to put his relationship with Brian behind him, in fact Jeff wasn't sure if the man ever truly would. 
“Well you're putting it all behind you now.” He attempted to reassure the man. “You don't ever have to think of Brian again.” Jeff reminded him, but the words fell as hollow comfort as Paul realized that he did still think of Brian, often. 

“This way please.” The dark eyed woman smiled in their direction starting out across the main dining area. Jeff sighed with relief glad to be out of the lobby. He knew once they ordered a nice bottle of wine that Paul's melancholy would fade. 

The sound of a familiar red head's cackle caused Paul to stiffen as he glanced in the direction of the offending sound. It was there he noted the “gang” gathered at one long table, Brian at one end with Justin at this side. 

“Leave it.” Jeff warned. 

“You go ahead. I'll be right there.” Paul pasted a dangerous smile upon his lips. “It would be rude not to say hello.” He moved toward the group hoping to end whatever frivolity was at play. 

“Brian.” He greeted but his eyes were locked with the blond's. Justin had the good manners to meet his gaze head on, but Paul would have expected no less of the arrogant little shit. 

“Paul.” Brian rose amazed that he no longer felt the same anger or resentment toward the man. He glanced down at Justin wondering if the blond was experiencing the same feelings of absolution toward the man. 

“What have we here?” He glanced down the table taking in the familiar and unfamiliar faces. There was a pretty blond who had to be in her mid forties. She was no doubt Justin's mother. A younger red headed teen, obviously a sibling, another young woman about Justin's age, dark complexion sitting next to a young man who was holding a baby, he had no clue who they might be, then of course the cast of regular characters. 

“It's a party and you're crashing it.” Deb chimed in before either Justin or Brian could. 

“Oh.” He feigned embarrassment. He turned to face Justin who was now standing next to Brian. “Did I ruin YOUR engagement party? What a shame. I would hate to think that I stumbled in and destroyed your happiness.” He glared. 

“Paul—“ Brian attempted to halt the man before he said more. 

“So if this is the engagement dinner I would assume that the wedding has to be in a couple of weeks. Think you two can survive that? It's much harder than I was led to believe.” Paul continued. 

“I think you should leave.” Jennifer stood ready to call the manager over. 

“It's okay.” Justin assured her. 

“Oh how big of you Justin. But then once the martyr always the martyr right?” Brian's hand tightened around the blond's waist but Justin leaned in giving him a reassuring squeeze. 

“Why don't you join us?” Justin offered graciously. 

“I think I'll just wait for the wedding.” Paul spat. 

“Well that was this morning. This is the reception.” Justin kept his face neutral as Paul stuttered searching for something more to say. 

“I think you were leaving.” Brian offered tongue in cheek. 

“Yes, I guess I was.” Paul hastily admitted as he quickly walked away leaving every last shred of dignity he possessed at the table with Justin and Brian. 

Jennifer stood then raising her glass. Everyone grew quiet waiting for her toast. 

“When I was a little girl my mother used to say that in a loving relationship it is hard to recognize who is the sun and who is the moon, who is the tree and who is the wind, who is the rudder and who is the sail. Each partner plays both roles at different times as you move through your life together. One will be teacher and the other student taking turns as you each learn the many lessons in loving. To Brian and Justin.” 

“To Brian and Justin.” Their family and friends chorused. “A lesson in loving.” 
*********
“Fin, that means The End.” Michael Novotny 
“Bon, that means Good.” Emmett Honeycutt 
“I couldn't agree more!” Mouse at the end of Lesson in Loving. 
July 4th, 2005 - kisses to my Mouse (ERB)