Chapter 22 The shadows lengthened as the morning sun moved past noon. Brian continued holding the blond who was now sleeping in his arms. He'd held the younger man through the sobs until finally his breathing had lengthened and he'd drifted off to sleep. He'd debated a couple of times about waking Justin and taking him up to their bed, but knew that for now it was better if Justin slept giving Brian the necessary time to process the younger man's confession. Combing his fingers through the blond locks he'd missed so much, Brian found himself going back over all that Justin had revealed. It had been far worse than anything Brian had imagined. Not only had Justin sold himself for Andy's pain meds but he'd also been forced to accept the added weight of being the one to finally ease his failing lover out of this life and into the next. It was too much to ask of one person, especially a lover, an exhausted guilt ridden lover. The more Brian learned about Andy the more he wondered what it was that the blond had ever seen in him. Brian sighed, shifting slightly as he tried to find a more comfortable position against the wall. Justin sighed in his sleep adjusting to Brian's new position. Brian felt protective of the blond and furious at his dead lover. Brian knew that he would never have knowingly exposed Justin to HIV nor would he have tolerated the idea that the blond was selling his ass for anything, pain or no pain. Brian clenched his jaw trying to find a way to deal with his mounting anger. It was the last thing that Justin needed. If Brian expressed his feelings concerning Andy, Justin would no doubt feel compelled to defend the dead instead of seeing what a selfish prick Andy had been. Brian rolled his eyes looking up at the window realizing that Justin was now no doubt an expert on selfish pricks. The blond was by now a fucking connoisseur. Perhaps it had been that very quality that had drawn him to Andy in the first place. A French version of the asshole he'd left behind. Brian winced at the thought. No, Andy had been different. It had no doubt been those differences that had caused the two men to choose one another instead of any vague similarities between Brian and Andy. Holding the blond in his arms, Brian couldn't ever imagine having to be the one to end Justin's life. He couldn't imagine facing that possibility let alone having to be the instrument that brought it to fruition. Brian knew about tough love and was fairly adept at dishing it out but this wasn't about tough love, this was about brave and selfless love. For all his bravado Brian knew that Justin had everyone beat hands down in that department. There was a knock on the door. Brian heard Franck Villibord's voice calling but refused to respond. He was abundantly aware that the presentation was in a few hours. Brian hoped that the reason for the man's appearance at the cottage had everything to do with the presentation and nothing to do with the previous night. After a few moments he heard the man leave the stoop and head back through the garden to the main house. Brian released a breath that he hadn't been aware that he'd been holding. He continued to comb his fingers through the silky strands of gold thinking of how soft it was, refusing to linger over the hard edges that now seemed hidden beneath it. *************** Hands seeking in the dark, lips on skin, fingers tracing lean muscle, throaty moans and soft sighs, it was sex or the prelude to sex. Brian had performed this dance so many times, he could do so with his eyes closed and knew that tonight would be no different. He needed more than merely a blow job; he needed to feel that he was desired, wanted, needed. He knew it was lesbianic, even heard his own voice mocking his need, but still he wasn't surprised that his hands were reaching for Franck Villibord trying to lose himself in the man's body. It was a means to escape. One he'd learned to use twenty years ago. It had never failed him. He wanted to go where emotions couldn't find him. He wanted to fall back into familiar sensations, to immerse himself in physical reactions and forget about consequences, words, thoughts, hopes, and expectations. There had been a time in his life when he'd existed on this, this primal, male need of conquest. He couldn't remember when this drink had stopped satisfying his thirst. When had he started needing more than just the conquest? The body was different than the one he longed for, it was taller, harder, more callous with its touch. No more thoughts or comparisons, Brian warned himself as he felt the last of his clothing stripped away and Franck Villibord's flat, wet tongue trace a line down his stomach in search of his erect cock. He'd had so many blow jobs in his life. He considered himself an expert. He could almost tell from the shape of a man's mouth what it would feel like to slide his cock over the lips and down the throat. It was predictable and easy, and not what Brian wanted. He felt himself pulling away from Franck, as the man that Brian had become overpowered the man that he'd once been. This wasn't the answer. He knew that, knew it the moment that he'd heard Franck's voice out on the patio, the moment he'd heard the door slam and felt his lips captured by another. This wasn't the answer, not anymore, it was part of the problem. “Brian.” Franck's thick accent full of confusion. “I can't do this.” Brian confessed as he continued to extract his body from Villibord's. There was no need for rationalizations or explanations. Neither mattered, the facts stood and were all that were necessary. Brian couldn't because he didn't want to. To be honest, he was weary of anonymous sex, of willing bodies that never challenged him, of feeling the loss that had haunted him now for almost four years. Something had been missing, something that sex, money, and time had never found a way to replace. It was the very thing he'd walked out on just an hour ago. Justin, who no doubt knew that this was where Brian would wind up and that fact seemed the most unbearable of all. Brian reached for his rain soaked clothing but felt a hand on his arm halt him. “I said I can't.” Brian stated more firmly this time his irritation with both himself and the situation evident. “You said you wanted to be with him, but you're here with me instead of in his bed.” Franck challenged. “It's complicated.” Brian offered. Franck sighed wishing he could understand. “I want to call you a cock tease.” Franck shot, “But I saw the way you looked at him all night. I saw how he returned it.” “Call me whatever the fuck you want, I don't give a shit. All you need to know is that this isn't happening.” Brian repeated his resolve in place. “Stay.” Franck offered in surrender. He wasn't sure what was going on between these two men. He felt frustrated but at the same time realized Brian had nowhere to sleep, not until he managed to reconcile with the blond. Try as he might Frank couldn't help but resign himself to the fact that there was a complex dynamic playing out between the two Americans. He'd observed the looks the two men had exchanged throughout the evening. He'd noted the pain in the blond, the desperation in the brunet. Each man was very skilled at hiding their emotions. Franck had tried to convince himself that it was nothing, but after two hours of observation even he'd picked up on the subtle nuances. The looks, the aborted touches, the way their bodies seemed to have some unseen gravitational pull, always leaning in slightly toward the other. It was as if their bodies knew what their minds refused to accept. That they were meant for one another, pieces of a puzzle that when separated appear insignificant but when joined suddenly became a part of a bigger picture. Brian realized that he really had nowhere else to go well, except back to the cottage but he honestly didn't know if he could stand to be there, not now, not with amount of frustration and fatigue he felt. “Are you sure?” Brian asked hesitantly. He hated being in this position, relying on someone else for shelter. “Stay until the morning. I'll loan you some clothing then perhaps you and Justin can work this thing out in the light of day. Most things do look much better in the light.” Franck offered putting aside his desires in order to be this man's friend. He sensed that perhaps Brian didn't have many friends and that there were advantages to being among that select group. He would be lying if he didn't admit that he was curious as to what was happening between the men. He could always hope that by offering his assistance that Brian would open up and reveal what had transpired. Franck knew his mother was curious as well and would no doubt come seeking answers once the American's departed. “We've been stumbling around in the dark for such a long time.” Brian mumbled more to himself than to Franck. “I'm not sure there is enough light to see our way through this.” “I watched him tonight.” Franck admitted. “Tolerating my mother and her veiled attempt to learn whatever secret it is that he's hiding about Paris.” Franck huffed a laugh. “She thinks he has a lover there.” “He did.” Brian interrupted. “And now?” Franck asked surprised by the admission. “He's dead.” Brian continued. “I'm sorry.” Franck replied softly. “I'm not. I mean I am for Justin's sake but I didn't know the guy so I don't miss him.” Brian offered refusing to reveal his true opinion of Andy more out of respect for Justin than the deceased. “So it's grief.” Franck concluded. “More than grief but I don't have a fucking clue what more there is.” Brian offered as he laid back onto the bed and closed his eyes. He was exhausted but it was more emotional than physical. Franck's eyes raked over the handsome body lying so vulnerable in his bed. He'd played numerous fantasies since Kinney's arrival and yet Franck felt compelled at that moment to reach out and offer some sort of encouragement. Brian Kinney wasn't the hard ass executive he portrayed himself to be. There was something very fragile in this man. He was a sexual predator but now that he was laying bare next to Villibord, Franck could see that someone along the way had found a way to tame him, not completely, but had somehow offered Brian a sense of security, love and acceptance that Franck himself craved. Franck huffed in resignation as he gripped Brian's shoulder giving it a friendly squeeze. Brian opened his eyes and stared up into the frenchman's gaze.. “I watched him.” Franck admitted. Brian's brow's furrowed at the admission. Franck continued. “I watched Justin tonight as he tried to remain disinterested in the looks we were sharing.” Franck glanced at the brunet then pushed off of the bed moving to the window. He stood staring out at the sky. A sudden flash of lightening lit up the distant sky signally that the storm had finally passed. “He expected us to wind up in bed tonight.” Brian confessed sitting up intrigued by what Franck had to offer. “He's pretty perceptive.” Franck admitted glancing back offering a playful smile. “Yeah, he knows me pretty well.” Brian offered going horizontal once more. He felt the bed sink down next to him. He noted the feel of the sheets as Franck pulled them over both of their bodies as he settled in comfortably. “He loves you.” Franck offered causing Brian to look up into the Frenchman's face. “How would you know? The looks he was giving me?” Brian asked with a skeptical smirk. “No.” Franck replied softly. “By the looks he was giving me.” *********************************** A little after two in the afternoon the knocking returned. Justin stirred in the older man's arms. He awoke feeling Brian's fingers combing through his hair. Opening his eyes he met the warm reassuring hazels of his dreams. “How long have I been out?” He asked as he moved to a sitting position untangling their bodies. There was another long series of knocks on their door. “A few hours.” Brian confessed carefully, ignoring the interruption. “Don't you think we should answer that?” Justin asked looking past the brunet to the door his hesitancy evident. “No.” Brian replied then yelled, “Come back in an hour.” Justin offered Brian a grateful smile. “Brian, don't you think we should review the boards?” Cynthia's voice sounded strained from the other side of the door. “Come back at three.” Brian offered in reply. They both heard the woman mutter something about fucking, as she headed back toward the main house. Brian watched as Justin rubbed his eyes wearily. The blond finally looked up giving Brian an apologetic smile. “Sorry about-“ “Being honest?” Brian interrupted. “It's all that I have ever asked. You didn't need to protect me from this.” Brian wanted to reassure Justin. Justin shook his head, considering all that he'd confessed. “Maybe I was protecting myself. There's something about hearing it aloud-“ His voice faded as he pulled his knees into his chest. “I think we should focus on the presentation for now, don't you?” He changed the subject feeling over exposed and insecure now that all the ugliness he'd been hiding for so long was in the open. “No, I don't think so.” Brian replied. “We need to finish what we started.” “I think we did.” Justin sighed. “I told you everything.” He swallowed lowering his chin to his knees. “Not everything.” Brian probed gently; knowing there had to be so many memories both good and bad still locked away inside of the blond. Justin shifted uncomfortably. He glanced up then back down once more. “How can you still look at me that way, now that you know?” He asked biting his lip as the sorrow threatened to overtake him once more. “Justin, what happened between you and Andy changes nothing between us.” Brian assured him. “But I did such unspeakable things Brian.” Justin offered sadly. “What's so horrible about being selfless? You did what you felt you had to in order to protect someone you cared about. What's so terrible about that Justin?” Brian challenged. “I just don't know how you can still feel anything for me now that you know.” Justin offered honestly. “Feel anything?” Brian huffed a small laugh. “Justin, I loved you four years ago. I never stopped. I still love you.” Brian confessed. “Nothing you could do would ever change that.” “I don't know what to say…” Justin confessed hesitantly surprised by how easy it seemed for Brian to admit his feelings. He was almost afraid to believe Brian. What if he changed his mind once he had time to really process all that Justin had just confessed? What if Brian was saying this out of pity? “How about I love you back?” Brian suggested his gaze wide and expressive. Justin felt his chest tighten as he realized that Brian's motivation for saying it paled in comparison to his own need to believe it and say it in return. “I love you back.” Justin whispered as he felt Brian seize him pulling their bodies together, sealing the confession, sealing a promise that neither had expected. “Once we get this presentation over I think we should head back.” Brian offered as he stood up, every muscle in his legs and back complaining loudly from the hours spent sitting on the hard floor. After a quick stretch to work on the initial kinks Brian extended his hand to help the blond to his feet. “It will feel good to get home.” Justin admitted. “Not back to the Pitts, back to Paris.” Brian admitted. “Brian, I'm done with Paris.” Justin argued a slight tremor in his voice. “I don't want to go back there.” “No Justin, you aren't done with Paris. We'll go back to our hotel there.” He moved to the stairs and began making his way up. “Why do we have to go back?” Justin asked his apprehension clear. “Because you have unfinished business there.” Brian replied without turning back. He paused when he reached the top of the stairs regarding the younger man below. “I don't.” Justin argued his voice lacking the conviction it normally held. “I thought the secrets were over between us.” Brian suggested. Justin nodded realizing that Brian was correct in his assumption. There was something that he'd left undone in Paris, Justin just wasn't sure that he possessed the strength to face it. ******** “It is good to have you back.” The Concierge greeted the two men noting a substantial difference in their demeanor as they each seemed unable to survive without being in constant physical contact with the other. He smiled broadly as he offered the brunet his key. “You are in your same room. I will have your luggage sent up to you as soon as possible.” “Tres bien.” Brian replied as he accepted the key, “No rush on the luggage.” He threw back over his shoulder conveying in his body language what he lacked in fluent French. He moved toward the elevator with Justin tucked safely under his arm; and for the first time in four years all was right with the world. Both Brian and Justin were fully aware that they had much to work out but neither had any intentions of allowing those issues to bleed over onto this night. Despite all that had to be resolved, it was obvious now that some lingering darkness had lifted between them. No deception remained, no doubts, the light had somehow managed to dispel all of that. There was still a great deal of pain and grief, but tonight they were determined to focus on the longing. The ache that both had felt since the moment Justin had left four years earlier. Time would take care of the worst that remained but tonight was about the best. As they reached their room Brian pressed the blond into the wall before unlocking the door. He leaned in then moved back, Justin's lips chasing his own, hungry for what Brian was offering him. “Ready for round two?” He smiled then kissed Justin running his hand up the blond's shirt pinching his nipple. Justin gasped allowing Brian's tongue deeper entry. Several guests passed them in the hallway, but the men remained unaffected as they continued to devour one another. Brian finally pulled back breathless as he managed to unlock the door. Reaching over he fumbled for Justin's shirt, finally snagging it he pulled the blond in behind him. “I need a shower.” Justin announced pulling free only to be captured once more. He smiled and allowed the older to begin removing his shirt. “No, not yet, but you will.” Brian promised wickedly. There was no way he was letting Justin out of his sight. He'd waited months, no years for this night. The quick sex in the limo had only been an appetizer. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out another condom and tossed it onto the bed. Justin reached up lacing his fingers behind Brian's neck and pulled his face down once more. “I want to be inside you.” He whispered. Brian stiffened for a moment surprised by the request. Justin had topped him before, not often but occasionally when they'd lived together. Brian hadn't been with anyone in that way since. “Brian?” Justin whispered reassuringly. “I won't hurt you.” Brian looked up his apprehension clear. “Trust me.” Justin's eyes pleaded with the other man. Brian could sense how much Justin needed this. He pressed their foreheads together whispering his consent. They moved to the bed and began once more ridding themselves and each other of unnecessary layers of clothing until they were naked once more. The room filled quickly with moans, gasps, and sighs. Brian tensed as he felt Justin enter him. “It's okay.” Justin whispered reassuringly. He knew it had been a while for Brian perhaps years since this had happened. When Brian pushed back Justin knew he was ready. They alternated for the rest of the night between fucking and making love until exhausted they collapsed in one another arms and slept until the light from the window woke them late the next morning.