>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Paul wondered if he had overreacted. He still seethed as he replayed his talk with Justin. The blond had attempted to be loyal to Brian but in the end had confirmed Paul’s suspicions. Paul grabbed an ashtray and smashed it against the wall. “FUCK!” He yelled as images of the two men filled his head. He tried to force them out but it was of no use. He could hear them, see them as they worked to bring each other off. Paul was furious. Brian had lied to him. It was the first as far as Paul knew. Why would Brian be honest about so many other mistakes and yet lie to cover this one? Paul swallowed hard as the realization hit him, perhaps Brian didn’t see the incident as a mistake, but instead he saw it as the beginning and not the end. He thought about Justin’s defense. ‘It was just a fuck.’ Was it? Paul wasn’t sure anymore. He suddenly felt consumed by a need to know everything. Everyone had been so secretive about what Brian and Justin had shared, but now Paul was determined to get to the bottom of it. He stormed up the bedroom stairs and threw open the dresser drawer. Pulling out the sketch pad he raced through the drawings. How had he missed it the first time? The way Justin captured Brian, the way Brian was looking back at the artist. “Oh my gawd,” Paul whispered into the empty room, “He loved him.” He moved back to the dresser searching for more evidence of what had happened. It was then that he spotted the little black box. He felt his breath catch as he reached with an unsteady hand and pulled it from the drawer. Feeling intrusive he instinctively glanced around the room to insure that no one was watching even though he was fully aware that he was alone, he slowly opened the lid and stared down at the most beautiful band he’d ever seen. Platinum, it shone from the small case. He reached down and removed it from the simple box amazed by how smooth it felt. Once he held it up to the light though, Paul marveled at the visual effect. For once the light struck the band, it was suddenly transformed. In that instant what had appeared to be a simple smooth band suddenly exploded with a multitude of intricate patterns. It was as if the band held some secret that only the giver and receiver would share. It was a work of art. A symbol of someone’s love, painstakingly created out of adoration and affection, to please the person that was cherished. It was splendid in its appearance but at the same time terrible in its implication, as the realization dawned on the man now holding it. This band was more than merely a unique symbol of eternal love. It was a work of art, a tribute, lovingly created by the hand an artist. Paul moved to the edge of the bed he and Brian shared holding the ring between his fingers. Who had proposed? Who had been rejected? Somehow in that moment it didn’t seem to matter. There had been a ring and a hope of a promise in Brian and Justin’s past. Somehow Paul suddenly felt very small, like an intruder. He rose and quickly replaced the ring, feeling has though he had just desecrated sacred ground. He replaced the sketch pad and closed the drawer no longer feeling angry, but overwhelmed instead. How could he ever compete with something obviously so precious and tender to his lover? For whatever reason that sketch pad and the ring remained long after the blond had disappeared. Moving back out of their bedroom Paul found himself leaving the loft. He needed time to think and suddenly the loft no longer felt like his home, it was after all, haunted by the memories of others. **** Justin was surprised to find Brian waiting for him when he’d left the shower. Brian silently handed him a towel then offered two aspirin and some water. Justin accepted his kindness not aware of how desperately he had needed it. “Who hurt you?” Brian’s voice was steady and serious. Justin noted the marks on his body. “A friend.” Justin replied as he used the towel to dry his hair. Brian had wanted to ask more but Justin had refused to let him. “Brian just go.” He suggested. “We have too much to talk about.” The older man replied sitting on the edge of the vanity. Justin sighed and headed to his room to dress. Brian followed hoping it wasn’t a mistake. Justin slipped on some clean underwear and then some jeans before turning to face the man. “What do you want to talk about?” Justin asked grabbing a shirt out of his closet. “Us.” Brian offered frankly. “There is no ‘us’.” Justin argued. “Bullshit.” Brian replied moving up to Justin and cupping his face. He was surprised and relieved that the blond didn’t pull away. Justin felt conflicted to say the least. He was angry at Brian, jealous of Paul, aching over Andy but most of all resentful that he felt such a peace whenever Brian touched him. That touch felt like it was only thing keeping him anchored to the Earth. It was the only thing keeping him from flying apart in a million directions. He leaned into the man’s hand in spite of his anger, closing his eyes and bringing his own hand up to hold Brian’s palm in place. Brian felt a tenderness he’d not felt in years from Justin’s reaction. He pulled the man closer and kissed him, softly, gently, this was no prelude to sex. This was saying something far more, admitting feelings that were long buried and denied. He felt Justin take his hand from his face and while interlocking their fingers, began leading him to the bed. Brian took two steps in that direction before stopping. He shook his head. Justin looked at him in confusion. Brian pulled the blond to him and kissed him once more. “Get dressed. Let’s actually use words this time.” He offered softly. Justin felt something inside of him tremble at the sound of Brian’s voice. He wasn’t sure he was ready for this talk. He’d waited for years for Brian to finally open up, but now with things as they were, Justin couldn’t help but accept his own trepidation. He finished putting on his shirt and grabbed a pair of socks as they both left the room and headed back into the living room. “Are you hungry?” Brian asked. Justin realized he was and gave a slight nod then continued on into the kitchen. “What sounds good?” Justin asked as he opened the refrigerator. “Whatever.” Brian offered. Justin knew better so he pulled out a wedge of cheese and some grapes. After getting a small plate together, they headed back into the living room. Brian sat their bottles of water on the table then got comfortable on the sofa. Justin popped a grape into his mouth then turned to face Brian, the resignation heavy in his eyes. Brian reached for him trying to convince the man to lower his walls. “Justin, I don’t want you to misunderstand what’s been happening between us.” Brian began. Justin steeled himself for the ‘just a fuck’ speech. He knew it was inevitable and that it was better just to let Brian get it over and done with. Justin sighed but nodded his head encouraging the man to continue. “I know all this business with Paul is confusing.” Brian watched as wall after wall seemed to go up before his very eyes. “But it’s not what you think.” “Really? I think you are about to marry him.” Justin challenged. Brian sighed releasing Justin and moving to the edge of the couch. He lowered his head into his hands as he considered how to explain the situation. Sighing he realized there was only one way. “I’m almost forty.” He stared unapologetically into blue unwavering eyes. “I’ve spent my life in backrooms laughing at old pathetic queers who are still chasing after every hot ass in the joint, but winding up with the other old pathetic queer losers in the end.” “You are neither pathetic or a loser.” Justin defended. “Not yet, but it’s coming.” Brian looked away feeling the old depression setting in. “I didn’t worry about all the hot young things when I actually had one of my own.” He gave Justin a meaningful look. Justin remained unreadable. “When I found myself back in the pack I realized that I didn’t enjoy it as much as I once had. I hooked up with a couple of guys. Neither one really worked out for me. Then Paul came along. He’s older, more settled, successful, and handsome. I thought okay, I’ll be his young hot thing and this will save me.” “Save you?” Justin asked sounding confused. “From turning into one of those lame ass shits who chases twinks all over the fucking club.” Brian spat his contempt evident. “Bullshit!” Justin spat. “You don’t believe me?” Brian asked incredulously. “Do Paul and I seem the happy couple to you? Are we the perfect match?” “Do you love him?” Justin asked. “No.” Brian replied. “I thought I did. I thought that it was love that I was feeling but then you walked into that restaurant.” He looked up and reached for Justin. “I knew it wasn’t love.” Justin tried to wrap his mind around what Brian was telling him. “Are you saying that you love me?” Justin asked his voice hushed with disbelief. He’d spent his time in Paris convincing himself that Brian hadn’t loved him, not really, not the way he’d wanted to be loved. “Yes.” Brian replied softly, feeling overexposed. “But I’m wondering if it’s too late?” “When did you come to this sudden realization?” Justin lashed out suddenly, throwing Brian off balance. “Recently? Today? Yesterday? A month ago?” “Three years ago.” Brian replied keeping his tone even. He knew that nothing would be accomplished if he and Justin began yelling at one another. The emotions were too raw too close, he didn’t dare give into them. “Why didn’t you tell me this before? Why did you just let me walk out like that? Why didn’t you fucking say anything? You just let me kneel there like a fucking pathetic idiot.” Justin demanded. “You handed me a ring. What the fuck did you expect me to do? Jump into your arms with tears in my eyes and say ‘I do’?” Brian yelled unable to keep his cool in the face of Justin’s accusatory tone. “Yes!” Justin stated. “That’s exactly what I wanted. Do you have any idea how fucking terrified I was wondering how you were going to react? You said nothing.” The hurt was still too close as Justin cleared his throat to keep his voice even. “I was in shock.” Brian defended. “Shock.” Justin smirked in disbelief. “Why the fuck are you telling me this? I don’t want to hear this.” Justin started to get up but Brian reached out and stopped him. “I’m telling you that I made a mistake. I knew it the moment I heard the loft door close that night but I was too fucking busy being Brian Kinney to find you and tell you. I was too fucking proud to admit it, but I’m admitting it now.” Brian’s voice was sincere but strong. “So what am I suppose to do with that Brian? Tell you it’s okay that you broke my heart? Tell you that what I had with Andrew was some consolation prize because you got away?” Justin demanded. “I went on with my life and you’ve gone on with yours. I don’t see how we could ever possibly go back-“ “Why?” Brian demanded. “Why are you saying that? Why can’t we go back? Are your feelings for me so different? I looked into your eyes when we were in that hotel room. I saw the way you were looking at me. I know what I saw there.” Brian reasoned. “I can’t do this.” Justin felt so confused. He knew everything that Brian was saying was true. He did still love him, had always loved him, would always love Brian but he just didn’t have to strength to love him right now, to start over, to move on. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t throw Andy’s memory away like that. He already felt like a shit for surviving, how could he ever rationalize surviving and being happy? He swallowed against the feelings that welled up threatening to overtake him. Brian realized that he had pushed Justin too far too fast. He reached out and touched the blond hoping his hand might anchor him. “I’m not asking for you to forget about Andrew.” Brian could see the guilt written on the other man’s face. “I know that you cared for him. I care for Paul, but I don’t love him. Admitting that you love me doesn’t nullify that you cared for Andrew.” Brian offered. “I loved Andy.” Justin countered hot baby blues daring Brian to argue. “I still love him.” The thought of Justin loving someone else hurt, but Brian understood that it couldn’t have been the same. The connection that he and Justin shared was rare. The chances that it could ever be duplicated were minuscule. “Not like you love me.” Brian corrected. Justin looked away. There it was, the words he’d fought against each waking moment while in Paris; the truth thrown out in the middle of the floor lying bare and bright in the open for all to see, shocking in its stark contrast to the shadows and lies surrounding it. Justin remained silent. Brian had his answer. “It’s not too late.” Brian argued insistently, tightening his grip on Justin’s shoulders and forcing the blond to face him. “I’m not ready for this.” Justin mumbled unable to look Brian in the eyes. He felt weak and vulnerable. He’d barely begun recovering from Andy’s loss; how could he possibly face the shifting terrain of a Kinney relationship? How could he ever survive going back now that he knew what it was like to be enough, to be accepted, to be loved without any need to denigrate those feelings for the sake of ego or reputation? “Just tell me that one day you will be ready for this.” Brian conceded. Justin looked up then, recognizing for the first time how desperately Brian wanted some sort of commitment from him, some shred of hope that there was still a chance. “What about Paul?” Justin asked softly, his heart taking the lead over his mind. He despised the man but knew he could never make his own happiness at the expense of another even if the guy was an asshole. “I’ll talk to Paul. Paul has nothing to do with this.” Brian argued. “He has everything to do with it.” Justin replied sharply. “He has no more to do with us than Andy.” Brian shot back. Justin started to pull away defensively. “This isn’t about the others that we have or haven’t loved. This is about us, Justin. This is about what we once were and what we might be again if you want it.” Justin remembered back to those long afternoons lying in bed with Brian, their private jokes, the looks that only meant something to one another, the nights of laughter and loving. He missed it. He missed it all so much. He’d been lost in Paris for the first six months, wandering aimlessly trying to find some purpose to his life. He’d loved Brian with everything in him and had been carelessly tossed aside. Could he really go back? Could he really put himself out there again? He felt Brian’s hand cupping his chin, a physical request to look at him. Justin did so with some reluctance. “I don’t know if I can go back Brian. Too much has happened.” He admitted sorrowfully. “It’s your call.” Brian replied dropping his hand as he rose from the couch. “Either way I’m ending it with Paul.” He stepped away from the couch as he headed for the stairs. At the top of the stair case he paused. He turned back as though he had one more thing to say but at the last minute changed his mind. Instead he whispered one word that seemed to capture Justin’s uncertainty. “Later.” ***** Paul found himself at the Diner. Deb was working but the crowd was light. “Hungry?” She asked as she leaned against the counter taking in his haggard appearance. “No not really.” Paul admitted. Deb furrowed her brow. He man seemed miserable. “How about some tea, Honey?” She offered sweetly. She didn’t like Paul much but she was a compassionate person. She hated to see anyone this distraught. “Can I ask you something?” Paul asked looking up, meeting her concerned gaze. Deb gave a half nod as she threw a quick glance toward her tables to insure that all was well. “What was it like for them?” Paul asked. Deb knew what he was asking and wasn’t sure how to proceed. She sighed, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. What could she tell him about Brian and Justin? “It was difficult, but then with Brian most things are. He’s complicated.” Paul rolled his lips into his mouth and nodded. “But Sunshine got to him in a way that no one else had ever managed.” She admitted. “He was this persistent kid who just wouldn’t buy any of the typical Kinney bullshit.” A small smile lined her lips as she remembered. “He loved Brian and was determined that Brian was going to love him back. He was fearless in his pursuit and I think that was what got Brian’s attention.” “Did Brian love him?” Paul asked his voice barely above a whisper. “More than anything in this world, well except for maybe Gus. Of course they showed up on the same night so it’s hard to tell.” Deb replied solemnly. “Justin and Gus?” Paul asked in confusion. Deb nodded. “Apparently Brian took Justin home for the first time on the night Lindsay gave birth to his son.” Deb rubbed the counter absently. She realized what she was saying was only deepening this man’s concern but even if the truth hurt it was better than a lie. “Why did it end?” He asked clearing his throat trying to make his voice sound stronger, but failing. “I’m not sure. I think Justin always wanted more than Brian thought he was capable of giving. Justin saw in Brian things that Brian couldn’t see for himself.” It made sense and Paul knew it. It confirmed his suspicion that the ring had come from the artist. “I found a sketch book behind our bed.” He offered. “That would have to be Justin’s. Brian still had it?” Paul nodded. Deb smirked in amusement. “Then why are you here asking me these questions? You already know Paul. You’ve known it for a while now. It’s up to you how you want to handle it. You’re too old to throw a fit and too young to crawl in a hole and die.” She offered bluntly. Paul smirked at the wisdom in her words. “I love him.” Paul offered weakly. “Enough to let him go?” Deb asked. “Or would you have him be with you when you already know where his heart really lies?” “That’s not fair.” Paul surmised. “I suggest you talk to Justin about fair.” Deb commented. “A beautiful 18 year old artist permanently damaged in a bashing, fighting to understand a complicated older lover, losing him, then somehow miraculously finding someone else to love only to have AIDS steal that love away. I think Justin could shed some light on what’s fair.” She offered. “Hell, ask anyone on Liberty to share their life story. It becomes clear very quickly that there is no fair, only life.” “I lost someone I loved to AIDS as well you know.” Paul looked down at his cooling tea. “Andy was a precious boy. I’ve seen pictures. He made Sunshine happy, but he wasn’t Brian. Justin will always love Brian. I’m sorry for your loss Paul, but that grief doesn’t justify keeping Brian away from someone he loves.” Deb laid it out for the man. “I think I’ve heard enough.” Paul admitted standing up from the stool. Paul wasn’t sure why he’d come to the Diner of all places to sort out his feelings but Deb had helped. He knew what would be the right thing to do. He knew Brian needed for him to step aside, to let him out of the ceremony, to give him some space to decide what he really wanted. Paul just wasn’t sure he was man enough to give it to him. **** Paul drove around for hours before he returned back to the loft. He tried to find some way to forgive and be the bigger man about everything. As the sun began to set and the shadows lengthened, he knew that whether he was ready or not it was time to face the music. He refused to believe that what he had with Brian was any less than what Brian had shared with Justin Taylor. Now he just had to find a way to convince Brian of that fact. Entering the loft Paul realized that Brian had just gotten home as well. He was dressed casually so it was obvious that the man had not been at work. “Where have you been?” Paul asked knowing the answer when the man met his gaze. “Comforting your little friend?” He spat hoping to wound the man. “Paul, let’s not do this.” Brian offered sounding as tired as he felt. He knew this would be ugly. Paul knew exactly what to say to make it that way. “Let’s not do what?” Paul moved into the kitchen opening the refrigerator door. “Let’s not fight like this.” Brian offered. “Are we fighting?” Paul challenged. “I thought you were fucking around behind my back and I was just confronting you.” “Just a couple of times.” Brian offered not really sure why he felt the need to do so. “Oh well.” Paul dramatically sighed. “I feel so much better.” He stared at the man, his hurt evident. “I can’t …”Brian sighed knowing he needed a drink but realizing it would be a mistake. “Can’t what?” Paul continued to snipe. “I can’t explain it.” Brian admitted wishing he knew what words he could use that would spare Paul’s feelings but at the same time make it clear that their relationship was over. “Then don’t try.” Paul offered. “We’ll just forget that it ever happened.” Paul saw a chance and took it. “You know we can’t do that.” Brian replied. “Look I get it, you enjoyed having sex with him years back, he was feeling blue so you decided to find him and try to make it all better.” Paul offered giving his lover a considerate motive. “It wasn’t pity despite what you told Justin.” Brian spat wanting the man to know he was on to his game. “Oh did little Justin come running to you about mean old Paul hurting his feelings?” Paul mocked. “No, I went looking for him. Last night I fucked him in the back room and before that it was in a hotel-“ “Don’t!” Paul shouted. He no longer wanted the details. “Don’t want? You’re the one who doesn’t want it happening behind his back, so let’s get it all out.” Brian challenged. “Fine.” Paul met his challenge crossing his arms in front of his chest definitely. “Well the first time I didn’t go looking for him. We ran into one another on the street and-“ “Justin’s clothes fell off and you had to fuck him to keep him warm.” Paul snapped. “Makes perfect sense to me.” He offered sarcastically. “Paul?” Brian tried to calm the man. “Do you want to know or not?” Brian asked knowing the answer but wanting Paul to admit it. Paul shook his head. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Paul demanded not wanting to make this easy. “I’m telling you now.” Brian offered. “Why now?” Paul felt a sense of dread as soon as the words left his mouth. “Because I realized something in the last few weeks.” Brian offered. Paul felt his chest tighten. “Let’s not do this.” Paul tried to postpone the inevitable. “We’re both tired.” He offered. “I can make some dinner, no carbs, and then maybe we can go out-“ “I’m calling off the ceremony.” Brian’s voice was soft but sure. “What?” Paul had expected it but somehow that hadn’t lessened the blow. “I’m calling it off.” Brian repeated. Paul turned away for a moment trying to accept what Brian had just said. He’d thought that they were happy. Hadn’t it only been a few weeks ago that they had been happy? “I don’t understand.” Paul turned back to find Brian looking away as well. “How did this happen?” Brian sighed and moved to the window staring out at Pittsburgh. “I thought I made you happy.” Paul ventured. “I was happy Paul. We were okay together, but -“ “Okay?” Paul challenged. “Okay? We were better than okay. Don’t let some selective memory concerning your long lost days with Justin diminish what we have together.” “I’m not doing that.” Brian replied. “I’m being honest.” “Honest? You’re fucking him behind my back and you call that honest?” He challenged. “Look Paul, nothing you say will change my mind. I think we both know that we were settling for something comfortable.” Brian reasoned. “Settling?” Paul’s voice sounded hollow. He’d always considered himself a catch. How could anyone think he was something they had to settle for? “Because I’m not twenty-five, blond and have a perfect ass?” The bitterness leaked into his tone. “This isn’t about him.” Brian attempted but Paul would have nothing to do with it. “Fuck that Brian!” He spat. “This has EVERYTHING to do with Justin. We would be getting committed to one another if he hadn’t shown back up. How can you possibly say it doesn’t have anything to do with him? The little shit came back here for this very reason.” “Don’t talk about him like that.” Brian warned. “Defending him, how chivalrous.” Paul snapped. “What’s next? Are you going to marry him and make him an honest man?” The silence lingered a moment too long as Paul realized that his suggestion wasn’t too far off the mark. “Why didn’t you just do it the first time?” He asked charging into the bedroom. Brian raised his brows in surprise. A moment later Paul returned with the black box from the dresser. Brian felt his breath catch. He hadn’t touched it since that night three years ago. “Snooping in my dresser?” He asked angrily. “He gave you this didn’t he? He probably got down on one knee, he’s such a romantic little fairy.” Paul spat angrily. Brian snatched the box out of his hand pushing Paul away with the other. “It’s over.” Brian declared angrily. Paul laughed though it sounded filled with anger not humor. “Oh my lord he did. He got down on one knee, looked up into your passionate hazel eyes and-“ “Shut the fuck up!” Brian yelled. He couldn’t stand to hear the most painful moment of his life mocked. “What did you say?” Paul asked. “I mean you obviously turned him down but how did you say it?” Brian remained silent. Paul narrowed his eyes. Brian watched them widen as the older man put it together. “That’s when you did it. That’s when you just said nothing.” Brian looked up. Paul nodded sagely. “He walked out and that was that.” “Until now.” Brian replied trying to suck some of the smug out of the man. He realized it was just a defense mechanism but it was more than Brian could handle after his talk with Justin. “So let me get this straight.” Paul began in his irritatingly logical manner. “A couple of months ago you were with me, living with me, making love to me, wanting to be committed to me, then in a single moment, poof, its all gone. Justin “First Love” Taylor returns broken and grief-stricken, and now it is your job, as our resident hero, to fly in and save him.” He challenged. “It’s not like that.” Brian argued. “Really? I say if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck-“ “Fuck off.” Brian spat. “This isn’t about saving anyone.” “Bullshit Brian your whole life is about saving people.” Paul spat. “You no doubt have convinced yourself that dumping me is some act of charity.” “I’m saving you a lot of heartache. You wouldn’t want to be with me knowing that I wanted to be with someone else, would you?” Brian asked his voice sincere. “I don’t want to be saved.” Paul assured him. ”I was rather looking forward to seeing what our life together would be like. I guess now I’ll be reduced to the sidelines. I do hope Michael will scoot over and make room” “Leave Michael out of this.” Brian warned. “Right.” Paul spat. “Note to self; no disparaging remarks about Michael or little Justin.” “I’m staying in a hotel. I’ll give you a few days to gather your things. Be out by Monday.” Brian ordered. He’d had enough. Paul could be such an asshole. Brian knew he had given the man just cause but at the same time the man was pushing fifty, it was time he stopped fighting like a ten year old. “Running away?” Paul challenged stalking after the man, his sense of desperation rising. “No, I’m just not in the mood to argue about this. It’s over. Accept it or don’t. I don’t give a fuck, but get the hell out of my loft by Monday. That’s when the locks will change.” Brian grabbed a bag and began packing. Paul watched for a second before he felt himself cave. “Brian, please don’t do this.” He despised the pleading note in his voice. He tried to rein it in but the sight of the bag made it impossible to maintain any dignity. “Brian, I love you.” He grabbed for the man’s arm but Brian shook him off. “Brian!” He tried once more. “Don’t!” Brian shouted. Paul recoiled as if struck in the face. “Don’t what?” He asked reeling from the blow. “Don’t try? Don’t fight for what I want?” “It’s not what I want. I don’t want you.” Brian dropped a final shirt into the bag then stood staring down, his mind on this lover a few feet away. Paul deserved better than this. He deserved a better explanation. He deserved the chance to walk away with some self respect. Brian closed the bag then set it aside. He moved until he was facing the man. Reaching up he ran a hand along Paul’s chin. “You deserve better than this.” Brian admitted. “Look, I didn’t know this was going to happen. I had no idea that Justin’s lover was sick or that he was back in Pittsburgh. I thought it was over. I thought it was too late.” Paul could hear the regret in the man’s voice but it did little to sooth the ache he felt. “If you’d known would you have -“ Paul began. “No.” Brian cut him off. “For me it’s always been Justin.” Paul nodded. Brian’s mind was made up. The writing had been on the wall since the moment the blond had shown up at their engagement dinner. It had just taken Paul a few weeks to learn how to read it. “There’s no need for you to go.” Paul offered sadly. “I still have my house. I’ll go there.” He moved to find his own bag. Brian watched him. He had never meant to hurt Paul. They’d had some good time together. Had Justin not returned, Brian had no doubt that he and Paul would have been together for a long time. The thought of it caused a shiver to go up his spine. All those months walking around in some kind of haze, alive but not living. All that had suddenly changed. Brian felt as though he was awake for the first time in years. “If you’ll call me and let me know what things you want, I’ll have them sent to your home.” Brian offered. Paul glanced around the loft then met Brian’s gaze. “The only thing here that I want I can’t have.” The older man admitted. “I never meant to hurt you.” Brian was shocked by how deeply the man seemed to be affected. He’d never realized how much Paul had cared for him. “Did you tell Justin that as well?” Paul asked his bitterness bleeding through. “I guess it’s just what you do, Brian. You hurt people.” Brian had no response as he watched Paul slowly continue packing.