>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Brian wasn’t sure how he felt as he drove away from Jennifer Taylor’s condo. He was a little overwhelmed by his physical reaction to Justin. He hadn’t gone over there to fuck the blond and was now grateful that neither of them had found a condom handy. He couldn’t shake the feeling of exposure when Justin had discovered he wasn’t still carrying his usual supplies, wasn’t still the sexual predator always looking for the next prey. He somehow suddenly felt old and embarrassed and unable to explain even to himself why it was so. How long had it been since he’d fucked another man? He and Paul had been together for a year. The clubbing had slowly decreased and by two months into living together Brian had just stopped going to the clubs much. He still hit Woody’s for drinks but hadn’t been inside the walls of Babylon for almost a year. He felt a pang of regret knowing that in fewer years than he wanted to admit he would no longer be able to hunt for the prized prey in the darkened backroom of the club. He’d be relegated to the leftovers and rejects that he watched so many older gay men settle for. He resented that Paul had so easily managed to cajole him into giving it up. Justin had never asked for that. Well he had once, but after their short separation he’d come back and seemed to have accepted what it was that Brian could offer. After that Justin had never asked for monogamy again, well until that night. Brian pushed the memory away and concentrated on Paul. Brian was aware that the older man had a knack of getting his way without actually asking for anything. Brian had observed with both amusement and admiration his lover’s skill in the art of manipulation, but now he was starting to realize that he too had perhaps been played by the man as well. He just wondered what concessions he had made without even realizing that he’d been asked and conceded. It was as if he’d surrendered without a shot being fired. A honk from the car behind him startled Brian as he glanced up and noticed that the light had turned green He glanced in his rearview mirror with annoyance then took a left where he usually took a right. Instead of heading home Brian decided to go spend some time with his son. He needed to be with someone who seemed to accept him as he was. Gus never seemed to see his flaws but instead was merely glad that they had time together. Lowering the car window Brian felt the cool wind blow across his face and through his hair. He felt years younger and suddenly free. It was a brisk day but maybe Michael and Jenny would like to go to the park as well. Brian needed some time to think. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Justin sat for a long time holding Andrew’s picture. He was wrapped in the throw they’d bought in some Parisian flea market. It was all that he had left of their meager possessions. He missed the older man. He missed Andrew’s laughter and the way he acted as though he hadn’t a care in the world when really the rent was overdue and they had no money for food. Still somehow they always managed to get by. Justin would sell a painting or Andrew would do sketches for some tourists and they would be solvent again for a few days. They never seemed to ever have enough, scads of time but no money. Justin smirked bitterly as he realized too late how much of that precious commodity they had squandered in fights and pettiness. Justin sighed and pulled the throw tighter around his body. It wasn’t anything like the feel of Andrew’s arms. He missed being held. He missed lying in bed, feeling Andrew’s warm hard body spooning against his back, holding him, whispering private jokes into Justin’s ear after they’d made love for hours. Justin wiped his eyes. He was honestly surprised that he had anymore tears to cry. Night after night he cried himself to sleep. The well should have gone dry weeks ago and yet at moments like this the tears always seemed to come. Justin knew that both his Mother and Molly were concerned about him, but he resented their watchful eyes always on his every move. They couldn’t understand what he was going through. All that he had gone through over the last twelve months, it had been horrible. How could anyone expect him to throw off the horrors of watching his lover waste away after only a couple of months? Couldn’t they see that he needed time to grieve in private? He needed his own place away from their sincere smiles and comforting embraces. He needed solitude. Maybe then he could find a way to file all those memories away just as he had four years ago with Brian. It had taken him months to get over that heartache, but he had found a way. He would find a way again. He just needed time and some peace and quiet. Justin thought back to those first weeks in Paris. It had been his first time living alone. Now he’d be alone again. He thought about it and realized what an adjustment it would be. Even when Andrew was really sick, he was still there, still talking even if he was out of his head more and more toward the end. Justin looked around the quiet suburban condo. Silent as a grave, with shadows lengthening adding a sense of claustrophobia to the place, he felt entombed. He couldn’t remember when he’d felt so alone. The phone rang startling him from his thoughts. He jumped then laughed at himself for being so easily rattled. “Hello?” He answered. There was a long silence on the other end of the line. “Hello?” He sighed impatiently. “Justin.” Justin felt his chest tighten as he recognized his father’s voice. He hadn’t seen the man in years. They hadn’t spoken since he’d asked him for tuition years back. “Yes.” Justin replied curtly. “How are you?” Craig asked. Justin smirked bitterly. “Molly and Mom are gone. I’ll tell them that you called.” He was about to hang up when his father’s voice stopped him. “I’m sorry for your loss.” The man offered sounding a bit unsure but sincere. “Thanks.” Justin hung up and stared at the receiver. His father had never met Andy. He’d never tried to meet him. Justin felt sure that Molly kept their father up on the details of Justin’s life and yet the man had never called once, never come by, not while Andy and he were together, and not now that Andy was gone. Justin rose and replaced Andy’s picture on the shelf. He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there when there was a knock at the doorFatigued, Justin wiped his face and pulled the throw around him and headed down the stairs. He hoped it wasn’t his father. The last thing he needed was a lecture on the dangers of his lifestyle and how Andy had gotten what he deserved. Opening the door he was relieved to see Michael. “Hey.” Michael greeted him. He was carrying enough Tupperware to have a party. Justin furrowed his brow and stepped back. “Your mom told my mom that you were on your own this week. So my mom—“ “Sent enough food to feed an army.” Justin finished for him. Michael sighed and handed over part of the load. Justin led him up the stairs and into the kitchen. Michael followed struggling with the rest of the food. “So how are you?” Michael asked as they put the containers into the refrigerator. “I’m good.” Justin replied giving the answer everyone wanted to hear. Michael looked over at him and knew he was lying. “Weird running into you at the dinner like that.” Michael ventured looking for any reaction. He got none. “We were out for Molly’s birthday.” Justin explained. “Weird Brian getting married. I NEVER saw that one happening.” Michael tested the waters. “Did you?” “Once.” Justin replied softly. Michael noticed it then, some sudden shift in the younger man, then as suddenly as he’d seen it, the emotion was gone. “When?” Michael asked closing the refrigerator’s door. “A long time ago.” Justin dismissed. “Want something to drink?” He asked politely. “No.” Michael sat down at the table. “I want to talk about Rage.” Justin took a seat as well. “What about it?” He asked playing with the fringe on the throw. “I want to do a new issue. I get tons of emails each month not to mention the customers in my shop that still ask about it.” Michael enthused. Justin considered the man’s words. He wasn’t sure if he could actually stand to draw Rage and JT after all that had happened. “I don’t know.” He replied honestly. “Well think about it and then if you feel like it, try to sketch some panels.” Michael suggested. “We were making good money before it ended. We started without a publisher. We can do this again on our own.” He offered. “I’ll think about it.” Justin promised. Michael couldn’t tell if he meant it or not but he hoped so. He already an idea for the first story line in his head and if he pitched it right maybe it could be just the thing to bring the blond and Brian back together again. “I saw Brian today.” Michael continued knowing he was pushing. “That’s nice.” Justin seemed distant. “He said he came over here and that you guys talked.” Justin chuckled softly at the comment. Michael furrowed his brow. “What?” He asked sensing he was missing something. “Nothing.” Justin cleared his throat. “Tell me about Paul?” “Didn’t Brian tell you about him?” Michael asked curiously. “No.” Justin replied. “Not really. I mean he mentioned him once but I think that was it.” He rose. “Let’s go to the living room. It’s more comfortable.” Michael followed him into the living room still wondering what is was that Brian hadn’t mentioned about his time with Justin today. “Paul seems to make Brian happy.” Michael offered. It sounded hollow and one look at Michael’s face told Justin everything he needed to know. “So why do you think he’s doing it?” Justin asked. It felt good to talk to Michael. He’d forgotten how much he’d enjoyed their talks once they had become friends. “I don’t know. Senility maybe?” Michael joked. “But don’t tell him I said that.” Justin laughed at that. “Maybe he loves him.” Justin offered. Michael smirked then met Justin’s gaze. The blond had one eyebrow raised in anticipation of a deeper explanation from the man. “Brian doesn’t love him.” Michael clarified. “He’s settling for him.” “Settling? Brian doesn’t settle.” Justin replied confidently. “The Brian you knew didn’t settle. This one settles. It’s like he just accepts part of what he wants. It’s like his life is on auto-pilot. He doesn’t fly anymore, just coasts and lets someone else man the controls.” Michael shook his head. Brian had seemed so different today in the park. He was like his old self, confident, self possessed, and really happy. Michael surveyed the thin haunted man in front of him and wondered how much of that had to do with the fact that Brian had been with Justin that afternoon. Something told him the blond had everything to do with it. “Well, Paul seems like a real—“ “Catch?” Michael offered. Justin smirked then shrugged. ”Bitch was what I was thinking.” Both men laughed at that. “Gosh I sound jealous of something.” Justin admitted surprised by his own feelings toward the man. “Well are you?” Michael asked fighting to keep the hope out of his voice. “No.” Justin assured him quietly. “I’m not jealous of him.” He sighed then smirked “He certainly didn’t like seeing me at his party.” “Well of course not, Brian still loves you.” Michael blurted out. Michael immediately covered his mouth watching as the blond sobered. “Don’t say that.” Justin almost whispered. “But it’s true.” Michael replied honestly. “Brian never loved me.” Justin replied firmly. “That’s bullshit and you know it. We’ve been over this so many times—“ “Not like I loved him. He might have loved me but not enough. I wasn’t enough for him. His love for me wasn’t like the love you find between two lovers or two partners.” He gave the man a small smile thinking of Ben and how long he and Michael had been together. “He loved me like some pet or a drinking fuck buddy or –“ “He loved you.” Michael argued refusing to listen to anymore of it. “He just doesn’t love himself.” Michael explained. Justin furrowed his brow considering his words. “Yep Boy Wonder, no matter what kind of genius you are, and trust me both Maw and Brian have continually told me that you are a fucking genius, you missed this one completely. It was never about you. It was about him.” Michael sighed. “He’s the one that can’t be loved, so how could he possibly believe that you love him? He’s unlovable therefore if you can’t really love him then he can’t really love you.” “That’s nuts.” Justin sighed suddenly feeling tired. He’d had this same theory himself around their third year together. That was the year they’d decided on only one extracurricular fuck a week. One had been more than enough for him and Justin had suspected that it had been more than enough for Brian as well, but the man would never admit it. Justin felt something he hadn’t felt in a long time. It was the beginning of a panic attack. He recognized it from after the bashing. He wasn’t sure what was causing it now. He took a deep breath feeling Michael’s eyes on him. He wanted Michael to leave. He didn’t want to talk about Brian anymore. “Justin you know I’m right.” Michael could tell that the man didn’t want to talk about it, but he felt he had to take the opportunity while he had it. “That’s Brian. It’s the Kinney package. Great looks, great taste, great income, great fucking image on the outside and all fucked up on the inside.” Michael sensed Justin withdrawing. “Maybe you’re here for a reason Justin. Maybe JT got here just in time to save Rage. Paul isn’t good for him. He uses him, manipulates him, he runs all over him.” Michael continued. “I can’t do this.” Justin stood suddenly ending the conversation. “I think you should go.” Michael realized then that’d he pushed too hard. He also remembered the reason Justin looked so thin and worn. “Oh shit Justin.” He shook his head feeling helpless. “I wasn’t thinking. I mean I know you aren’t over Andy.” He excused. “I’m tired Michael.” Justin ignored the reference. He didn’t want excuses or regrets. He just wanted Michael gone so he could fall apart in private. “I’ll be going then.” Michael offered heading down the steps with Justin behind him. “I really am sorry.” He offered one last time hoping for some sign that they were still okay. He’d missed Justin. He’d enjoyed having someone to talk to who cared about Brian as much as he did, maybe even more than he did. “Don’t worry about it Michael. We’re just talking. It’s no big deal. I know you weren’t suggesting I go after Brian and steal him away. I don’t even have a white horse to ride in on. I’m hardly the hero type.” Justin gave him a small smile to assure him that things were okay between them. “Really? I think that’s exactly who you are.” Michael replied his eyes sure and sincere. Justin smirked. “Senility. It must come around forty.” He rolled his eyes as he shut the door. Justin leaned back against the wood and closed his eyes. Taking deep breaths he recalled the exercises that he’d used during his recovery and immediately felt the anxiety lessen. He continued until he felt strong enough to go up the stairs again. He wasn’t sure if it was the grief, exhaustion or the walk down memory lane that had triggered the episode. He got himself a glass of water and headed back to his room. He had a project to finish for the company he was freelancing for. He needed something to focus on, to take his mind off of all that Michael had just said. The words still hung in the air like specters of the past daring him to shoo them away. Justin knew better than to try. Some ghosts never left. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Justin was just coming out of the Exeron Building when he literally ran into Brian again. Two weeks had passed. He’d heard through the grapevine, a.k.a. his mother, that the commitment ceremony had been postponed. Brian had a business trip that he couldn’t get out of so things had been placed on hold. The date had yet to be rescheduled. Justin hadn’t been sure of his feelings about the information. On one hand he didn’t want to care but on the other realized he cared more than he was ready to admit. Looking back he’d never remember exactly how they had managed to go from small talk on the street to naked together in a hotel room, but as he closed his eyes and allowed the euphoria of good sex to wash over him, Justin realized how complicated life had just become. He glanced over and noted that Brian seemed subdued as well. “How are you going to tell him?” Justin’s voice broke the silence. Brian met his gaze then returned to examining a spot on the ceiling. “It’s none of his business who I fuck.” He argued. “But you bareback right?” Justin rolled onto his side. “How will you explain the condom?” Brian furrowed his brow and rolled onto his side as well, then leaned up to look down on the other man. “I thought you said you were clear.” His voice was filled more with concern than anything else. “I am.” Justin relaxed onto his back and placed his hand across his forehead. “But it’s a new strain. They can’t do a fucking thing for it. No cocktail, no nothing.” He swallowed as he once more found himself thinking of Andy. “I shouldn’t have done this.” He whispered to himself. “Nothing is going to happen.” Brian reassured him. “We were safe.” “How will you tell him?” Justin asked again. Brian shrugged refusing to discuss it. “It was so fucking bad. I couldn’t stand it if I’d infected you.” Justin stared ahead once more. “I got tested again two weeks ago.” “Stop being paranoid then. You’re fine.” Brian lay back down as well. Justin gave a disbelieving nod. Somehow he knew it would never be over. He would always remember. He’d been cautious about HIV before but now after having seen it up close, he was terrified. “I just don’t want you or Paul to get it that’s all.” He offered honestly. “So,” Brian began. “Andy and you weren’t –“ “I can’t talk about it.” Justin’s sharp blues pierced Brian. “I just really can’t.” His voice was struggling against emotion. Brian’s eyes narrowed. He knew Justin didn’t want to discuss Andy but Brian had to know. “Did he….were you…” Brian struggled. “exposed?” Justin nodded. Brian cursed under his breath. He felt furious at Justin for being so stupid. How many times had he warned the blond not to let anyone ANYONE fuck him without a condom. “What the fuck were you thinking?” Brian demanded. “The same thing you were when you first barebacked with Paul.” Justin replied steadily, refusing to be affected by Brian’s anger. Brian smirked. Justin always was impossible to fight with. “Well, you got lucky.” Brian finally conceded rolling onto his side. He watched Justin’s profile. He could smell the scent of his shampoo. It was the same as before, when they had lived together. It always made him want to touch the strands of golden silk. He reached out and did so. Justin turned and smiled at him. “You always did like my hair.” He laughed and Brian joined him realizing he’d never been very successful in hiding his little fetish. “It’s longer now.” He observed. “Yeah, I have to get it cut.” Justin announced. “Daphne’s coming to see me in two weeks. She’s married.” “Daphne?” Brian replied as they now faced each other. “I thought she would never stop pining after you.” “It was you she was in love with.” Justin replied giving Brian a smack on the arm. “Right.” Brian stated knowing that they both knew the truth. “I missed the wedding.” Justin announced sadly. “It was in the middle of all that shit with Andy. I couldn’t get away. She wanted me to be her best man or maid of honor or whatever the fuck.” Justin looked up obviously both touched and amused by the offer. “I told her okay but no pink taffeta.” Brian laughed as well. “You really don’t look good in pink.” He admitted. Justin nodded in full agreement. “But then Andy got sick and….well.” His voice trailed off. “She was great about it. Disappointed, but really supportive about me dropping out. I have to meet her husband. I’m a little nervous.” “Why? Afraid he’ll want to fuck you too?” Brian teased. “Shit no.” Justin shook his head. “I’m afraid he won’t like me and he’ll tell her to lose the fag.” There was truth there and Brian realized how isolated Justin really was. He wondered how many friends the young man had now. “Deb’s having a dinner on Sunday.” Brian announced. “Why don’t you come?” “Yeah, that wouldn’t be awkward.” He deadpanned. “ Do you really think Paul will want your Thursday afternoon fuck at the table?” Justin grew quiet. “It isn’t up to Paul.” Brian argued. “You are apart of the family.” Justin gave him a tender look for a moment, reaching up he brushed Brian’s bangs to one side of his forehead. It was a gesture of endearment and Brian felt it to his core. “I’m really not.” Justin stated his voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t belong there anymore. That’s Paul’s spot. I wouldn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.” Brian raised one eyebrow. “Bullshit.” Brian spat “The Justin I know would love to make him feel uncomfortable and would even wear his tightest jeans and t-shirt to do so.” Justin shrugged. “I’m not the same Justin.” He shrugged then gave the brunet a small smile. “I’ve changed. Life changed me.” Brian knew as much as he didn’t want it to be true that in fact it was. “Deb will want you there.” Brian persisted. “But do whatever the fuck you want.” He rolled out of bed and began looking for his clothes. “We have the room until tomorrow right?” Justin asked causing Brian to glance back toward the bed. He nodded. “I think I’ll stay if that’s okay with you.” Brian found it curious even as he watched Justin curl up onto his side and close his eyes. “Justin?” He called feeling concerned. “I’m so tired.” Justin admitted. “I can’t get warm.” He sighed and was asleep before Brian left the room. As he made his way down the hallway Brian started thinking about what had just happened. He’d innocently run into Justin as the blond had been leaving a meeting about some freelance graphic work. They’d shared a coffee then had made their way out to the sidewalk with intentions of saying goodbye, then Justin had touched him and he’d been lost. The hotel had been two doors down. A quick swipe of a credit card and they’d been back where they’d been years before. It had been a long time since Justin had been with anyone. It had taken a while but once they got back into their rhythm it had been magic all over again. Sex with Justin was so different from the sex he had with Paul. Justin gave as good as he got. He was aggressive, demanding, challenging, and always up for something new. Paul on the other hand was predictable. If it was Wednesday it was a blow job. Thursday was sex in the shower. Friday was dinner and a movie. Saturday was the full treatment. Brian stopped himself feeling suddenly old and pathetic. He fought the urge to run back to the room and fuck Justin again. He felt young and alive in bed with the blond. He was after all only 38. It wasn’t like he was dead, not yet anyway. Justin had made a good point though. How was he going to explain the condom to Paul? Would he know that it had been Justin? Brian wondered when such things had started to matter to him. He didn’t like it though. He didn’t like it at all. ******************************* Justin was already there when Paul and Brian arrived. There was a noticeable chill between the men as they entered the house. It seemed to frost down a few more degrees when Paul spotted the blond. “Justin.” He said it as though the man were an inconvenience instead of a new friend. “Paul.” Brian watched as Justin remained cool and unaffected. He wondered when Justin had managed to be so cunning. He thought he knew the answer but voided the question to avoid having to answer it. “Brian.” Justin seemed unfazed and Brian found himself wondering if the blond had spent the last three days constantly reliving those three hours last Thursday as he had. Michael wasn’t so easily duped. He immediately picked up on something and made a mental note to ask both men later. The meal went off well with only a few awkward moments when Paul insisted on going through the latest arrangements he and Emmett had decided upon. “So we’re going to use cherry blossoms and have those on the cake.” Paul finished. “Don’t forget the doves.” Justin offered causing Brian to laugh. Paul looked from the blond to Brian then back at Justin. “So.” He huffed slightly. “When are you going back to Paris?” Paul asked, impatient for the man to leave. Justin watched him as the man moved his hand under the table and was no doubt touching Brian. Justin remembered all the family dinners with Brian practically jerking him off under the table. He wondered how much Paul knew about that. “I’m not.” Justin enjoyed the obvious look of disappointed that consumed Paul’s face. “You’re staying.” Justin noted the way Paul looked at Brian and realized that there had been a discussion and Brian had indicated that Justin was returning to Paris. He narrowed his eyes trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. “Yeah, actually I’m interviewing for a position at a gallery downtown.” Justin admitted. “That’s wonderful.” Lindsay chimed in. “Do you need a reference from a brilliant gallery manager?” She teased. “Yeah, actually I do.” Justin admitted. “Know any?” He teased back and she threw her napkin in his direction. She couldn’t be angry. It was such a relief to see him smiling tonight. “Surely you’ll want to go back to be close to your memories.” Paul piped up. The table went silent in response. “Memories?” Justin asked. “Which ones? The sea of vomit or the ocean of diarrhea?” He asked his face no longer smiling as he made it clear that Paul was on dangerous territory. “I’m just saying.” The man stumbled slightly. “If something happened to Brian I would want to be in the loft forever just to feel close to him. Surely you miss your home.” Brian watched as Justin tried to figure out the man questioning him. Brian always found it exhilarating to watch Justin’s mind at work. “You know I lost someone to AIDS too.” Paul met Justin’s gaze. Justin merely nodded. “Well then you know how awful it can be.” He concluded. “I guess I do miss the hookers that occupied the corner beneath our window and the black market guy two houses down. Oh and the couch, but I sold that and our bed, but I had to sell that too.” Justin pushed back from the table. “Not much to go back to. It’s pretty much gone.” He continued to meet Paul’s challenge. “I have to be going.” He moved to Deb’s side and kissed her cheek. “It’s good to see you all.” He included Brian in his final glance then left. “What the fuck were you thinking?” Deb raged as soon as the front door closed. “He’s smiling for the first fucking time in months and you have to go bring up all that shit he went through in Paris.” Deb rose and began clearing plate oblivious to the fact that most of her guests were still eating. “Like he didn’t have it bad enough with Andy, you had to throw it back in his face.” “I wasn’t doing that.” Paul defended. “Then why bring it up?” Michael challenged. “I just thought he was going back. You told me he was.” Paul turned to confront Brian. “I thought he was.” Brian lied. He couldn’t believe he was lying. “Well I guess you misunderstood what he said while you were fucking him.” Paul accused. “Not here.” Brian warned. “Why not?” Paul stood for dramatic effect. “He was the one right?” Brian sighed as he threw his napkin on his plate. The table remained silent as each person there tried to assess what was being said. Could it be that Justin and Brian were back together? “We’re leaving.” Brian announced. “Just fucking tell me, Brian!” Paul demanded. “Why do you care? I told you it was nothing. Why do you have to turn it into something else? It was just a fuck.” Brian headed toward the door. Paul didn’t say a word as he grabbed his jacket and followed. “Brian’s in the backrooms again?” Emmett asked looking to Michael. “How would I know? I don’t do that anymore.” Michael confessed. He tried to figure out if Brian was really leveling with Paul. “Well he fucked someone.” Melanie observed. “You think it was Justin?” Ted asked grabbing his plate and heading for the sink. “No.” Deb assured him. “He isn’t over Andy. It’s too soon.” “I don’t know. You remember how those two were with each other. I mean even after the years they were together, they still fucked like rabbits.” Melanie built her case. “Well I just hate that Paul had to go and ruin Sunshine’s meal. What the hell was he thinking? I mean for fuck sake, he knows what Justin is going through.” Deb vented as she stacked dishes. “He’s afraid.” Ted smiled glancing back at the door where the two men had just left. “He knows that Justin is a threat.” “I sure hope so.” Lindsay admitted. “I think Justin is a better choice for Brian than Paul.” “No argument there.” Ben uncharacteristically chimed in. “I wonder if the ceremony is still on.” Lindsay considered thinking of all she and Melanie had to do to the house before it was held. “If Paul has anything to do with it, it will happen, and soon.” Emmett offered. “I just wonder how much Paul has to do with it, now.” Michael mused pleased to see that there was trouble in paradise. Maybe there was still a chance that Brian could really be happy. Michael knew that the kind of happiness that he had found with Ben was only possible for Brian if he and Justin found one another again. He had to do whatever it took to make sure that happened.