>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Shock was an understatement when the gang learned that Paul and Brian were signing domestic partnership papers. It was a fairly new arrangement in Pennsylvania. Michael and Ben had already hit the court house with Melanie and Lindsay close behind, but no one had ever expected Brian Kinney to ever darken that door. It had been at a weekly family dinner when the news had slipped out. The table had gone silent as Brian glared daggers into Paul. He’d accepted Paul’s proposal but even at the moment of its disclosure he wasn’t sure why. Somehow he knew his age was playing into the decision, that and the resignation that some mistakes were unforgivable. Lindsay had immediately announced that there HAD to be a small ceremony. Nothing fancy, just friends, family and good food. Paul had enthusiastically jumped on the bandwagon while Brian had remained silent. Silence had cost him so much already, what did it matter if he sacrificed a bit more. The small ceremony didn’t stay small for long with so many people wanting to put in their two cents. Paul had complained about all the ideas, but Brian had refused to get involved. He thought the entire notion was ridiculous. He’d never really wanted the ceremony or the papers. Paul had asked him on the anniversary of their moving in together. Brian had hesitated for only a moment before agreeing. He knew in his heart why’d he’d accepted, but now as the time grew closer to getting it over and done with, he was beginning to realize that two wrongs wouldn’t ever make things right in his life It was with subdued resignation that Brian went through the motions of listening to the plans and feigning a meager bit of interest as Paul debated with Emmett over appetizers. It all made him sick. It felt like a straight jacket being fastened one button at a time, until one day he knew he would no longer be able to escape. Brian knew now at the age of 38 that everything that a person comes to cherish can be taken in a moment. Each life is precariously balanced on a scale of timing. One moment can change everything. Whether that moment comes from looking up at a distance street lamp just as blond boy steps out of the rising steam, to the moment a bat swings recklessly through the air, to the moment when silence meets a heartfelt question and a world crumbles away. Everything in a moment, a whole life destined in a single second, life was either springing up full of hope and promise or shattering into shards of hopelessness and despair. So the planning continued until the family felt comfortable enough to meet for dinner and finalize the decisions. Brian had dressed slowly. They were meeting at Gigiorna’s. Paul had selected it but even as Brian knotted his tie he wished there was some way to change the location. He knew it was ridiculous but Gigiorna’s had been the one place he and Justin had enjoyed anytime there was something to celebrate. For some reason Brian desperately needed this evening to be distanced from the blond and all the memories attached to the man. Deb’s boisterous voice had greeted them. Everyone had already been seated leaving the head of the table for Brian, with Paul sitting to his left. They toasted their engagement though Brian had done so reluctantly. Dinner had been served, while Brian proceeded to have his wine glass filled over and again. He’d never imagined himself sitting at the head of a table at an engagement party. It felt surreal and as he glanced at the man next to him he realized it felt wrong. The plans were recapped. Brian blocked them out until the conversation rumbled at an undistinguishable roar in his head. He had no interest in flowers, tablecloths, or wine glasses. The only wine glass he found himself interested in was his own. Brian was halfway through his dinner when a familiar voice suddenly cut through the rumbling roar in his head and caused him to look up. “Brian?” The older man was unable to respond for a moment as he tried to ascertain if the image was real or merely a wine induced mirage. Justin. He felt as though he was moving through sand as he stiffly stood, watching the blond move across the room toward him. Justin looked older and thinner, but as beautiful as always. Brian dismissed his own observations as he continued to try to process that fact that Justin was really in the restaurant, in Pittsburgh and not a couple thousand miles away over an ocean. “Sunshine!” Deb’s voice broke the silence as she intercepted the blond and brought him into a bear hug. Justin smiled in response and hugged her back, surprised that he hadn’t noticed the rest of his friends when he’d spotted Brian. The greeting quickly evolved into domino effect as one after another family member greeted their long lost friend. Paul kept his seat unsure of who the man was but immediately aware of how Brian was being affected by his sudden appearance. “You look great.” Justin stated giving Brian a shy smile as he finally found himself free to move to the end of the table. He seemed slightly skittish. It was as if he was afraid of how Brian would respond and given their history, perhaps those fears weren’t completely unfounded. “You look thin.” Brian managed. Justin looked down then back up meeting the warm hazel eyes. “Well, actually I’ve gained weight.” He glanced around at the table his eyes locking with Paul’s. Justin glanced from Paul to Brian then back again. “Justin this is Paul.” Brian managed, his voice sounding a bit forced. Paul felt his breath catch as he realized who it was that was now shaking his hand. This was the artist. This was the partner. He was so young, so beautiful, so obviously loved by all. It was a bit much to take in. Paul put on his best game face and decided that the best defense was an offense. “Justin.” Paul let the name slide off of his lips. “I’m afraid you have me at a disadvantage.” He smiled but there was nothing friendly about it. “You are?” Paul continued, his sweet sincerity hiding the savage jealousy raging beneath. “Oh, I’m nobody.” Justin dismissed. “Just a friend.” Justin laughed softly then glanced up at Brian. “So,” He looked back down at everyone and realized they seemed uncomfortable. “Did I interrupt something here?” Justin asked feeling anxious now and wondering why he’d sought out Brian without first thinking it through. It wasn’t as if their parting had been amiable, but then that had been almost four years ago. “Well yes.” Paul replied brightly. “It’s an engagement party.” He enthused. Justin furrowed his brow, but Paul moved quickly in order to put to rest any doubts on the younger man’s part. Paul moved closer and looped his arm around Brian’s waist giving Justin a possessive smile. To Justin’s credit his WASP upbringing protected him as he fell back to polite distance. “Oh.” He muttered his confusion evident but only for a moment as he then turned to Brian and received confirmation in the brunet’s eyes. “How awkward.” He cleared his throat tightening his hold on his composure. “I’m sorry I interrupted. Please, go on. I just wanted to say hello.” He backed away as he spoke hoping he would make it to the cab before he fell completely apart. Brian was getting married. Brian, the man who had sworn he would never, could never make such a ridiculous commitment, was getting married. “It was nice to see you all. Best Wishes to you both.” He gave a small sincere smile then left. “Shit.” Deb muttered throwing her napkin in her plate. “I bet that Andrew guy is here with him. “ Ted tried to console the table. “No, he isn’t.” Deb stated solemnly feeling her heart break for the young man. “Deb.” Carl warned. “Well I’m sick of the rules.” She looked up and met Brian’s eyes. “Andrew died four months ago.” There were gasps of surprise around the table. “But how? He was so young.” Lindsay asked feeling gutted. She and Melanie and the kids had visited the two men two years ago. They stayed with Justin and Andrew. It had been a lovely week. The men had given up their little bed so that the women could share it with Jenny while they slept in the floor with Gus. “AIDS.” Deb offered sadly wiping her eyes to prevent her mascara from streaking. “Some awful new strain, R something. There really wasn’t much anyone could do for him. Jennifer said that it all happened in the last year.” “Oh no,” Emmett gasped. “Justin isn’t?” He found he couldn’t finish his question. “I don’t know.” Deb replied. “I didn’t have the balls to ask Jennifer.” “He does look thin and exhausted.” Ben commented with concern feeling Michael’s hand tighten on his own. Paul said nothing as he sat intensively watching the way Brian suddenly seemed miles away as he watched the blond retreat through the tables. He was about to pull the man down into his seat when Brian suddenly announced that he needed to be excused for a moment. The table’s occupants watched with hopeful amusement as Brian followed the same path that Justin had taken out of the room. Michael and Emmett exchanged a conspiratorial glance. They’d long debated contacting Justin and playing matchmaker between the two men. It was obvious that whatever had happened between the two men years back had been devastating to both of them. It was a sign of love that the two men could bring each other such pleasure and pain. Things with Brian and Justin had always been complicated, but the chemistry between them made it hard to believe that they didn’t belong together. Each member of the family felt a ray of hope ignite as they watched Brian disappear through the lobby. Perhaps the appearance of the blond was just the life preserver Brian needed. “Well isn’t this fun.” Paul stated sarcastically. The family tried to think of something reassuring to offer Paul, but each knew that anything that they said would fall terribly short. Instead they all found their entrees enthralling as they each contemplated the scene that was playing out in the front of the restaurant. ****************************** Justin couldn’t believe it. He felt gutted. He wanted to believe it was still just the lingering grief over Andrew’s death but he knew it was something more. He felt betrayed. As ridiculous as it all sounded, it was how he felt. He whistled for a cab. “Justin!” Brian voice startled him. Justin turned and found his ex-lover less than a foot away. “Go back to your party.” Justin shot over his shoulder. “I’m sorry I interrupted.” “You look like shit.” Brian spat then softened, forcing his concern to override the underlying fear. “Tell me you aren’t sick.” He demanded placing his hand on Justin’s shoulder and turning him so that they would face one another. “I’m not sick.” Justin replied meeting his gaze then immediately turned away. He knew he wasn’t strong enough to keep the pain out of his eyes. His time with Andrew had resulted in the loss of the skills that he’d honed during his years with Brian. Justin knew he was no longer able to hide his emotions. “I’m sorry about your……whatever he was.” Brian offered. “Yeah.” Justin mumbled watching as the cab pulled up to the curb. He turned back and met Brian’s gaze briefly. “I’m glad you found someone you could love.” He offered sincerely. “Be happy Brian.” Before the brunet could respond Justin was in the cab and headed off into traffic. ********************************** That night the sex had been dismal between the two men. Paul had tried to blame it on exhaustion. It had been late when they had arrived home from the restaurant. The party had for all intent and purposes ended at the moment Justin had arrived. Paul resented the blond for that fact and also for the distance that he now felt coming from his lover. Paul rolled onto his side away from his lover. He couldn’t stand watching Brian staring up at the ceiling any longer. “Just fucking call him!” Paul spat over his shoulder refusing to pretend there wasn’t an elephant in the bed with them. Brian sighed then rolled on his side away from Paul. It was a bad sign, but Paul took comfort in the fact that Brian hadn’t jumped at the suggestion. Brian found himself unable to sleep. He couldn’t get over seeing Justin. It wasn’t though, until he seen Justin on the street, that it had truly impacted Brian how thin and exhausted the man looked. His hair was longer than he’d seen it in years and his eyes had lost their sparkle. Brian reminded himself that the young man had been through a terrible ordeal. He couldn’t imagine watching someone he loved die, let alone a long drawn out death like AIDS can at times offer. He remembered what Deb had said about there being nothing that the doctors could offer Andrew. He wondered how that must have felt to Justin, the loss of any hope. Brian found himself sighing once more with relief that Justin hadn’t been infected. Brian wasn’t sure how that had been prevented. Surely Justin and Andrew had been monogamous. Surely they had barebacked. It wasn’t any of Brian’s business and for some reason that bothered the man. He hated seeing Justin knowing that what the man did was none of his business. He felt disconnected from Justin for the first time since he’d first met the man and brought him home years ago. Brian decided to find out more about what had happened first thing in the morning. Deb had known more than anyone else. Brian wanted to be angry at her for not telling him but knew that it was a long standing rule that Justin was not to be discussed in his presence. He wondered if Justin shared the same rule. He doubted it, but knew that the only way he would ever know for sure would be to ask the blond himself. Paul pulled the sheet and shifted irritably in the bed. Brian considered the man for a moment. They were scheduled to become partners in less than a month and yet from the moment Justin had arrived at their table, Brian had been able to think of no one else. He didn’t want to hurt Paul, but suddenly he was having second thoughts about spending the rest of his life joined to the man. For all their compatibility, Brian knew now that he didn’t love Paul and doubted that he ever would. Knowing that his doubts probably had more to do with fatigue than anything else, Brian closed his eyes and tried to relax. He woke five hours later having spent the night hearing Justin calling his name through all of his dreams. Glancing at the clock he knew Deb would already be at the Diner. Quietly Brian eased himself out of bed and threw on some jeans and a wife beater. He grabbed up his old leather jacket as well then headed out to get some answers. ********************************** It was a sight for sore eyes when Deb looked up and watched as Brian Fucking Kinney made his way into the Diner. He looked years younger as he strutted in wearing his old jacket. It brought back so many memories. She took it as a good sign that perhaps seeing Justin was finally waking Brian from his long sleep. “You’re up early.” She called from the counter. “Not really.” Brian winked then took a seat at the counter. “What can I get you?” Deb asked knowing that Brian wasn’t at the Diner this early for food. “Answers.” He stated. She nodded and poured him a cup of coffee. “He looks worn out.” She commented. Brian nodded. “He was on his own with Andrew. They had no medical help, no meds, no nothing.” She watched as Brian took in these facts. “Jennifer said when she flew there to see them a few weeks before Andrew’s death, she didn’t recognize Justin in the airport he was so thin. He really has gained back around twenty pounds but still has a ways to go.” “Did they not have food?” Brian asked irritated that he was the last to know these things. He knew it was by his own choice that he’d been excluded from the details of Justin’s life but now it seemed like such a selfish choice to have made. “Not much. I think Justin was selling everything they owned just to get the meds in the end. Jennifer was afraid he’d been infected but he got his all clear.” She moved to pick up a menu. “I called her last night after I got home. I wanted to make sure Justin got home okay.” She explained. The bell over the door rang and she grabbed up two menus. “I’ll be right back sweetie.” She touched Brian’s hand as she moved to wait on her new customers. Brian sat staring into his cup. He couldn’t imagine being alone in a foreign country with a sick lover, no hope for recovery, no money for food, barely any for medicine. He’d always known Justin was strong. He’d shown that so many times. Brian found himself remembering all those nights years ago when he’d had his own cancer scare. The radiation had made him so sick, but night after night Justin had cared for him, brought him broth, cleaned up his puke, and done so without saying a word that might cause Brian to feel indebted to him for any of it. “Anyway—“ Deb’s voice startled him. “Yeah?” Brian asked trying to hide his distraction. “I guess it was weird seeing him with Paul like that.” Debbie ventured. “Paul was a little –“ Brian paused looking for the right word. “Jealous.” Deb finished for him. “And with good reason, even under weight and exhausted Justin is fucking adorable.” She smiled. Brian nodded it was true. There was no harm in admitting the truth. “What happened Brian? What made him leave?” She asked leaning forward. She’d respected his wishes long enough. It was time for Brian to come clean. “It was a long time ago.” He sighed. “And yet it’s 5 a.m and you’re hear talking to me about him leaving your soon to be partner asleep in your bed.” She stated encouragingly. “Yeah.” Brian reminisced. “I’ll never understand the pull I feel when Justin’s near.” He stated thoughtfully. “It’s love.” Deb explained. “It’s guilt.” He corrected. “Guilt? No, that’s bullshit.” Deb argued. “You loved him and I’m not so sure you don’t still do.” The bell sounded, signaling that her order was up. “I’m with someone else now.” Brian stated firmly. “Yeah but do you love him?” Deb challenged on her way to deliver the food. Brian didn’t have an answer to that. He had thought he loved Paul but now after seeing Justin, Brian recognized that it was something less than love. He wondered for a moment what it was that he was doing. If he didn’t love Paul then why were they celebrating their engagement last night? Why were they about to be sappy and exchange words at the Muncher’s House in three weeks? Surely he’d known what it was he was doing before Justin reappeared. Surely he had made the right choice. Brian reassured himself as he sipped his cooling joe. “So what are you going to do about all of this?” Deb asked when she returned. “How are you going to fix things?” Brian smirked as he finished his coffee. “I’m not.” He stated with renewed confidence as he threw a five on the counter. “Nothing’s broken.” *********************************** Justin heard the door close and knew that his Mother and Molly were finally out of the house. They had been hovering for weeks but had decided to follow through with the visit to Philadelphia that they’d had planned for months. They’d invited Justin to come along but he had declined. He was too tired to travel plus he was still only working part-time as a freelance artist. He needed to keep looking for something that paid better so he could get out on his own again. Justin had just stepped out of the shower when the doorbell rang. Cursing under his breath, he wrapped an ebony towel around his waist and headed to the door. When he opened it he was relieved and shocked to find Brian. “Thank God I thought you were my Father.” He announced gesturing for Brian to enter. “No, not your Father though you did agree that I was your “Daddy” a few times.” Justin blushed but laughed as did Brian. It felt good after the way they had parted the previous night. Justin knew he had no right to be angry. He chalked it up to his emotional exhaustion and pressed on. “Sex memories, wow. I bet Paul would love knowing we were walking down the old naked memory lane.” Justin replied causing Brian’s smile to widen. He’d forgotten how fun it was to talk to Justin. He was smart and clever. They use to banter like this endlessly. He wondered when all of that had stopped. “I have to get dressed.” Justin moved out of the living area and down the hall. Brian wandered around the living area examining the various knick knacks Jennifer had lying around. He noticed a picture of Justin and another young blond. He picked it up and examined it. They were sitting close and Brian noticed that the other guy seemed to be looking at Justin with just short of worshipful adoration. “That’s Andrew.” Justin’s voice was soft from the doorway. Brian looked up at him. Justin was now wearing a pair of jeans that were only slightly too big and a cable sweater. Brian recognized it. He’d given it to the blond their last Christmas together. “Nice sweater.” Brian teased. “It’s warm.” Justin replied. He moved forward and removed the picture from Brian’s hand and gently returned it to the shelf. “Cute kid.” Brian ventured. “An amazing kid and not to mention two years older than me, so not exactly a kid.” Justin paused looking slightly embarrassed. “Can I get you something to drink?” He offered changing the subject. Brian shook his head. “Sounds like he was really something.” Brian came back to Andrew. He didn’t like the way the smiling face in the photograph seemed to mock him. As if chiding the older man for giving up Justin so he could have him. “Yeah, he was.” Justin replied sadly looking at the picture. “Tell me about Paul. Is he your Daddy or are you his Daddy?” He gave a small smile. Brian returned a lopsided grin. “No one is anyone’s Daddy now.” He announced. “Really?” Justin sounded surprised. “I’m sure the neighbors are relived but what a shame. Why is that?” He asked trying to sound comfortable though in truth he wasn’t really ready to discuss Brian and Paul’s sex life. “Paul is a bread and butter guy.” He offered looking uncomfortable. “And you like bread and butter?” Justin asked not buying it for a moment. “No comment.” Brian replied as he took a seat on the sofa. “I want to talk to you about last night.” “What about last night?” Justin asked. “I’m sorry I interrupted your dinner. If I had known I wouldn’t have come over. It was Molly’s birthday and I spotted you. Mom and Molly headed home. I just wanted to talk for a minute.” “I’m not mad.” Brian offered trying to assess why Justin seemed so nervous. Justin nodded then looked away. “I didn’t mean to queen out like that. I’m just all over the place lately.” Justin replied softly. Brian furrowed his brow trying to decide if Justin was telling the truth or hiding it. “Whatever. It wasn’t a problem.” Brian replied. “So you love him?” Justin stated plainly. “Looks that way.” Brian replied cryptically. “So it’s forever?” Justin pressed. “Supposedly.” Brian knew where this was leading but knew he owed it to Justin to let the blond to take him there. “That’s nice.” Justin continued to meet Brian’s gaze trying to figure out where the real Brian had disappeared to, the Brian that he had known who would never have talked this way. Of course life had changed him a lot, especially over the last year, so who was he to judge. They sat together in comfortable silence both men lost in their own concerns and thoughts. “You staying long?” Brian asked. “I don’t plan on going back.” Justin explained. Brian nodded. “I thought all young artists long for Paris.” He joked. Justin merely shrugged. “It wasn’t what everyone said it would be.” He admitted. Brian reached up and touched Justin’s still damp hair. Justin followed his motion a little like a frightened animal. Brian noted his apprehension and found himself slowly moving closer to Justin until they were sitting next to one another on the couch. Justin fought the urge to lean into the strong hand in his hair. It was hard to resist the pull Brian always seemed to have on him. It was as if Justin’s body somehow knew that it was being called home. His heart raced and he felt a wave of guilt as the image of Andy weak and dying suddenly gripped him. Justin pulled away tears of both longing and grief filling his eyes. “Justin?” Brian questioned surprised by the blonde’s reaction. “I’m sorry.” Justin whispered. “I’m not sure why I…” He mumbled off weakly. Brian reached out again, his own desire overpowering any concern he had over Justin’s hesitation. Justin felt himself being pulled forward and then his mouth being taken as it had all those years before. He knew he should stop this, Brian did after all belong to someone else, but it felt too good to stop. He reached out, grabbing Brian as he felt their bodies struggle against each other as the passion they had always shared flared back to life. “Brian.” Justin whispered. “Shut up.” Brian warned, not wanting to be distracted by excuses and reason as he continued to explore the mouth he had missed so much over the years. Somehow they managed to find their way to Justin’s room before their clothes began to disappear. They pressed their bodies together until they were touching from lips to legs. “Brian.” Justin cried out as the man moved down assaulting Justin’s neck the way he always did before. It was Justin’s weakness and Brian smiled against the soft skin as he felt Justin arch against him. Some much had changed and yet this still felt the same. The bed made little protest as they rolled and fought for dominance. “Wait.” Justin gasped as he remembered he didn’t have any condoms. “I don’t have anything.” He warned. It was then that Brian realized that he didn’t either. He pulled back in desperation. Their eyes met and Justin realized that “always be prepared” Brian Kinney wasn’t prepared for once. He almost made a joke until the realization slammed into him. There was only one reason why Brian wouldn’t carry condoms with him anymore. “You’re monogamous?” Justin accused the fire dimming between them. Brian didn’t reply, merely rolled off of the younger man and stared up at the ceiling. Justin tried to fathom the fact that someone else, this Paul, had gotten everything from Brian that he had wanted. He felt angry and jealous but more than anything else he felt somehow less. There had been moments when Andy had been at his sickest when Justin out of fatigue and despair had wondered if one day he would merely disappear, and now he wished that he had. Maybe it would have saved him another glaring example of how he wasn’t worth the love that other people effortlessly received. “Justin—“ Brian’s voice was hoarse with passion. It was so familiar Justin felt an ache within from the sound of it. He waited but no explanation followed. “It’s just as well. I haven’t had sex since Andrew was diagnosed.” Justin excused. “I doubt I would have been any good.” He rolled off of the bed and began picking up his clothes. Brian watched him wishing he could explain, but how could he when he didn’t even know what had happened himself. Why had he given over all that he had once been for Paul and yet had been so resistant to do so for Justin? “I should go.” Brian rose as well and reached for his underwear. Justin refused to watch the man dress even though something told him it would be the last time he’d ever see Brian naked. It had felt so good to be back in those strong arms. It had felt so amazing to come alive again under Brian’s touch. It had always been that way between them. They’d always managed to say with their bodies the words they neither one felt brave enough to utter. Justin finished dressing and headed out into the living room allowing Brian time to finish on his own. When Brian arrived he found Justin holding the picture he’d noticed earlier. “You miss him.” It was a statement not a question but Justin nodded anyway. “He was really good to me.” Justin glanced up. “Unlike me.” Brian replied hating how defensive he sounded. “No, I’m not comparing.” Justin smiled not wanting things to be ugly between them. He’d loved Brian, he still loved Brian but in the end he hadn’t been what Brian had wanted. He’d loved Andrew and in the end Andrew had left him alone. It wasn’t as though either man set out to hurt him and if time had taught Justin anything, it had taught him that life was far too short to waste any of it on anger or regret. “I’m sorry for..” Brian gestured toward the bedroom. “I know he hasn’t been gone long.” Justin shook his head. “You didn’t hear me protesting did you?” He smiled. “I don’t see Andy being offended by what happened, but I have to wonder about Paul.” He noticed that Brian looked away and seemed unable to meet his gaze. “I won’t say anything.” He offered. Brian glanced back then. Justin wasn’t sure if he recognized gratitude or resentment in his eyes. “I should go.” Brian stated once more. Justin smirked in amusement. “Then go.” He shrugged. “No one’s stopping you.” Brian nodded but found his feet moving him toward Justin once more and away from the stairs leading down to the door. “Brian.” Justin whispered meaning to warn him away but instead he found his own hands betraying him as they reached up and pulled the older man’s lips to his own. The kiss this time was softer, gentler than those that had taken them earlier. Brian pulled back and leaned his forehead comfortably against Justin’s. They remained like that for a long moment, each man reveling in the peace the gesture brought them. Finally it was Brian who pulled away. “Later.” He whispered as he turned to go. “Later.” Justin replied just as softly. He heard the front door open and Brian was gone.