Endings and Beginnings - Book 3 
Chapter 6 


Justin wasn’t sure what time it was. The streets were all but deserted as he looked down from the small patio. He could hear the traffic from the distant highway, but it sounded so far away he felt untouched by it. The few cars still roaming downtown Toronto seemed to meander around hopelessly lost. He stared down and watched the small yellow compact round the block for the third time. The driver had to be frustrated as hell or high at this point. 


He took another long draw on the cigarette wishing it were something stronger. He let the smoke burn down his throat and felt it warm his lungs before exhaling. He continued to keep his arms wrapped tightly around his body defending it against the cold Toronto spring night. He wondered when it would start being warm here. He bet it was lovely in the summer. 


He heard the door to the patio open and was surprised to find Ben walking out into the darkness holding a pack of cigarettes. He gave the man a curious look. Ben smiled like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 


“Only when I REALLY need one.” He replied. Justin nodded. 


“Trouble with the little woman?” Justin teased. 


“Understatement must be the next medium you intend to master.” Justin laughed and Ben joined him. 


“What are you doing out here in the middle of the night? Shouldn’t you be trying to snag some much needed sleep?” Ben cupped his hand against the wind and inhaled deeply as well. 


“Yeah, well I was finding it hard to sleep in there tonight. I needed some space.” Justin leaned back over the rail watching as the yellow compact made another pass through the red light. 


“So catch me up.” Ben joined him staring down at the now empty road. 


“I’m an idiot. I expect too much. I’m needy.” Justin listed. “Same story as always.” Ben glanced over at Justin then back down considering the man’s words. 


“Brian is compli—“ 


“cated. Yes I know. I lived with him for a while.” Justin sighed. “I told him I couldn’t handle the tricking. He said he couldn’t stop. I said we could only be friends then.” 


“And he accepted that?” Ben asked both surprised and proud that Justin had taken a stand. 


“He had no choice. It’s all or nothing I guess.” Justin stated miserably. He and Ben watched as the yellow car rounded the corner again. “That car has been circling the entire time I’ve been out here.” Justin noted. Ben smirked. 


“Maybe he doesn’t know where he is going.” Ben observed. 


“Or maybe he does but it isn’t where he wants to be.” Justin added. Both men watched until the car disappeared again. 


“Michael was out of line today.” Ben stated sounding apologetic. 


“So was I probably. I’ve just had it with the Michael and Brian show.” Justin’s bitterness bled through in his words. “Maybe I’m just jealous that I don’t have a friend like that. Or maybe it’s that Brian is so much harder on me than he is on Michael.” 


“You’re much harder on Brian than Michael is.” Ben observed. 


“That’s because I know that he is capable of more.” Justin stated then turned to see that Ben had just made his point. He smiled. “Okay, I get it Professor. Brian knows I’m capable of handling more than Michael ergo I get the full treatment.” 


“The adult treatment.” Ben corrected. 


“Don’t you think Michael is an adult?” Justin raised an eyebrow and waited. 


“I do. Brian doesn’t. It’s as if they are both determined to see the other as the fourteen year old that became their best friend.” Ben blew a smoke ring and Justin smiled. Maybe Ben and Brian were more alike than he’d first noticed. 


“So friends?” Ben smiled broadly stating it out into the empty night air. 


“Yep.” Justin replied. “Whatever the hell that means.” He sighed taking a final drag off his cigarette. 


“You make it sound like a bad thing.” Ben observed. 


“It’s not. I don’t mean for it to sound that way. I want to be Brian’s friend, but more than that too.” Justin rushed then took a deep calming breath. “Friendship just isn’t all that I wanted.” 


Ben nodded as he heard the engine of the yellow car approaching the corner again. 


“You could change your mind. You could go back to having an open relationship.” Ben stubbed out his cigarette and pulled his jacket closer around him. 


“No.” Justin stated softly then glanced up giving Ben a weary look. “I can’t go back to that for lots of reason but one of the biggest is Stephen. I can’t put myself at risk and with Brian’s habits—“ 


“I get it.” Ben agreed. “I get it more than anyone else Justin.” Justin furrowed his brow. 


“I didn’t mean to hurt you Ben. I mean it’s just that HIV—“ 


“You didn’t hurt my feelings. It is real. I meant what I said. I get your concern. It’s valid. You have a son to think about. You aren’t the carefree boy you were three years ago.” Ben put his arm around Justin’s shoulder to reassure him that he wasn’t upset. 


“Carefree.” Justin stated softly. “I can’t remember the last time I felt carefree.” He thought back. “Maybe the summer before I came out.” He offered. Ben nodded solemnly. He knew that the blonde was serious. 


“Mine was the day before I got my first test back stating that I was positive.” Justin leaned his head against Ben’s shoulder sympathetically. 


They heard the car stop once more at the light and leaned over together to look at it again. 


“Gosh, looks like that guy doesn’t have a clue where he’s going.” Ben observed. 


“Yeah.” Justin whispered realizing he and the driver had something in common. 


***************** 

“Brian?” Lindsay cleared her throat and looked at the clock. 


“Who is it?” Melanie mumbled still half asleep. 


“No one, just go back to sleep.” Lindsay pulled the blanket back over her mate’s sleeping form as she grabbed her robe and headed downstairs. 


“Thanks. I feel really special.” Brian grumbled into the phone. 


“Should I have told her who it was?” Lindsay offered playfully. 


“No never mind. It’s better like this.” Brian quickly replied earning him a laugh from his friend. 


“Okay so this isn’t good. It’s not Gus right?” Lindsay knew if it had been about Gus Brian would have already told her so this had to be about something else. She suspected that this had something to do with Justin. 


“It’s Justin.” The man confirmed her suspicions. 


“What happened?” She settled herself on the couch waiting for her friend to spill his guts. 


“It’s complicated.” Brian huffed softly. 


“Is he there now?” She asked wondering if that was why Brian was speaking so softly. 


“No. I woke up and he was gone.” Brian admitted. 


“Where do you think he went?” She asked hoping that the question would lead Brian into talking about what had happened. 


“Who the fuck knows and who the fuck cares?” He spat. Lindsay knew the answer to at least one of those questions. 


“Brian?” She pried. 


“We had a fight.” Brian admitted. 


“Are you still fighting?” She asked concerned. 


“No, we made up.” Brian replied. 


“Well then why are you up talking to me and not basking in the afterglow of make up sex?” She teased. Brian rolled his eyes as he waited for Lindsay to stop enjoying herself so much. 


“We didn’t make up like that.” He admitted coldly. 


“Oh?” She tried to understand what she was missing. “Are you going to tell me why you called?” She finally asked in frustration. 


“He expects too much from me. Nothing has changed. Three fucking years went by and nothing has changed.” Brian huffed again in frustration. He needed a smoke and a drink but since Justin had gone AWOL he knew he was on babysitting duty and could do neither. Brian moved back to his bed and sat on the edge. “He wants me to be this monogamous, dickless fag.” He grumbled into the phone. “I can’t do it.” 


“Okay well a lot has changed over the last three years.” Lindsay argued. 


“Lindz.” Brian warned. 


“Well it has. I mean look at you. You’ve changed and Justin, he’s a father Brian. He was in a committed relationship, he lost his partner and the life they had and has had to start all over again. A LOT HAS CHANGED.” She vehemently argued. 


“Quiet down or your husband will chew my balls off.” Brian griped. Lindsay paused listening to the silence still hanging in the air. 


“She’s still asleep.” She reassured the man. 


“Look, okay so some things have changed but it feels like we are right back where we were three years ago. He wants more than I can give.” Brian scrubbed his hand down over his face. 


“Can’t or won’t?” Lindsay asked. Her question was met by a long silence. 


“You know my history.” Brian replied solemnly. 


“Yes and I know his.” She replied challenging her friend. 


“What am I doing here?” Brian asked. 


“I want you to think about something Brian.” Lindsay leaned forward propping her elbows on her thighs. “If you had the chance to be with Justin a year ago would you have taken it?” 


“Yes.” He whispered as if the word was being choked from his throat. 


“How about two years ago?” 


“Yes.” He replied again without hesitation. 


“Then what’s your problem? He’s there Brian but you are pushing him away again. What are you so afraid of?” She asked pushing him. She knew that Brian had been destroyed when Justin had left him three years ago. She had always been amazed at the blonde’s pull on her friend. Brian had always seemed so unreachable and just when she had accepted that he would never be in a loving relationship with another man, Justin had somehow managed to burrow his way into Brian’s heart. Brian needed Justin more than he realized. Lindsay just hoped that this time he would wise up before it was too late. 


“I’m not afraid of anything.” He sighed lying back on his bed. 


“Bullshit.” Lindsay replied good naturedly. “You’re terrified of Justin.” 


“I am not terrified of Justin. Have you looked at him? He’s thin as a rail and I have several inches on him.” Brian replied letting her take that anyway she wanted. 


“I didn’t mean you were afraid of him physically, though he’s scrappy and I don’t think you should count that out, but I think you are emotionally afraid of him.” She waited hoping he was processing what she had just said and not getting ready to hang up. 


“I don’t want to lose him.” Brian admitted. 


“Then don’t.” She offered. 


“I already have.” He confessed sadly. 


“Why do you say that?” She stood up and began pacing. 


“He said I had to stop tricking or we would just be friends.” Brian replied the last words sounding as sour as they tasted. “I felt like I was talking to some junior high school girl. ‘Can’t we just be friends?’” Brian’s falsetto grated on the woman in its cruelty, but Lindsay ignored his venom knowing where it was coming from. 


“I don’t have to ask which option you chose.” She felt her own frustration slick over the words. 


“I’m an asshole. What do you think I chose?” He sniped back. 


“Brian, tell him you’ll try.” Lindsay begged. “Tell him you’ll try to be monogamous.” 


“But I won’t. I can’t.” He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. “I don’t know why I called. Sorry I woke you. This has been a waste of time.” 


“What did you expect for me to say?” Lindsay shot out hoping he would hear her before he hung up. 


“I don’t know. Nothing I guess.” Brian replied his voice sounding small and lost. 


“Brian, I can remember how badly you wanted him back after seeing him at Ethan’s funeral, but you chose to be his friend. You chose to set your sexual feelings aside so that you could be his friend. Do that now.” She replied earnestly. 


“I’m not changing who I am. I’ve had this talk with him too many times. I am who I am. I fuck men; end of story.” Brian groused. 


“Brian, you are almost 34.” 


“Fuck. You.” He was about to slam down the phone. 


“Isn’t he worth it? Haven’t you had enough?” She asked softly her voice pleading for her friend to reconsider. 


“There’s no such thing as enough.” Brian quipped. 


“Well then get ready to be alone because he is the only man I’ve ever seen that was willing to put up with almost all of your bullshit. I don’t think he’s being unreasonable by asking you to be monogamous. It’s a scary world out there and he has a son to think about.” 


“Sometimes you sound just like a lesbian.” Brian growled. Lindsay smirked. 


“Look, I love you Brian. I want you to be happy. If you want someone who will tell you that you’re right, that it’s okay to continue living recklessly and without thought, then you should have called your fan club. Michael is there isn’t he?” Lindsay persisted. Brian raised his eyebrows as he listened. Lindsay was in rare form tonight. “But if you really want to know what I think then here goes. I think that letting Justin walk out of your life again would be the second most idiotic thing you’ve ever done.” She argued. 


“What was the first?” Brian asked amused as well as surprised by the woman’s outburst. 


“Letting him go the first time.” Brian didn’t respond. He merely replaced the receiver on the cradle. He heard the key card in the door and knew that Justin was back. He quickly pulled the blanket up over his body. He closed his eyes feigning sleep. After the conversation he had just had with Lindsay the last thing he wanted at that moment was to talk; especially to another blonde. 


****************************** 


“Where did you go?” Michael asked as he watched Ben slowly remove his sweater. 


“Out on the smoking patio.” Ben admitted. 


“You smoked?” Michael asked alarmed. 


“Yep.” Ben replied sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching for the light. “Justin was out there.” He waited wondering what Michael’s response would be. 


“Was Brian with him?” Michael asked. Ben smirked bitterly. He had not been disappointed. After all everything always came down to Brian. 


“Nope. I guess he and the kids were asleep.” Ben pulled up the blanket and relaxed against his pillow. Michael moved closer but was careful not to touch the other man. He knew that things weren’t settled between them. 


“Was Justin okay?” Michael asked. Ben wasn’t sure if he was sucking up or truly concerned. 


“Nope.” Ben replied sighing as he rolled away from the other man. 


“What was wrong?” Michael persisted in spite of the chill coming from his lover. 


“Well this will be good news to you.” Ben started sarcastically. “It seems that Justin and Brian have decided to cool things off for a while. They are going to just be friends.” He heard Michael snort. Feeling suddenly furious Ben shot up and turned on the light startling the other man. 


“You find that amusing? You think other people’s pain is amusing?” He accused. Michael’s eyes got big as he shook his head in shock. 


“No.” He defended. “I just can’t imagine those two being able to just ‘be friends’.” He laughed again. “I mean every time they are in the room together there’s all this sexual tension you know? This should be fun to watch. I’ll have to call Ted and Emmett and see if they want to take up a pool to guess when the damn will break.” He shook his head oblivious to Ben’s glare. 


“You would do that? You would bet on your friends failing?” He felt like he was seeing Michael for the first time. 


“It’s just for fun.” Michael argued. 


“Do you have pool on when I’ll next be hospitalized?” Ben asked. 


“No.” Michael flinched as if he had been hit. “How could you ever think that? Ben, I can’t believe you just said that.” 


“Why? Because betting on me getting sick is cruel but betting on when two men who belong together fuck up their friendship isn’t?” Ben stood and grabbed his pillow. He stalked to the couch and made out the bed. Michael watched him closely. 


“What did Justin say to you?” He asked defensively. 


“Not much.” Ben spat. 


“I want to know.” Michael crossed his arms and glared at the man. 


“Michael this isn’t about Justin.” Ben stated wearily. “Now turn off that light.” He demanded. “I’m tired.” 


Michael stared at the man for a moment longer before he moved to switch off the light. He knew better than to believe what Ben was saying. Justin had no doubt found some way to blame Michael for all his problems with Brian. 


“Friends.” Michael huffed as he pounded his pillow then collapsed onto it. “What did Justin know about being Brian’s friend? All he had ever done was take from Brian, never giving anything back. Michael knew that he alone was Brian’s friend. Brian didn’t need any other friends. If Justin thought he could take his place he had a lot to learn. Michael lay there in the dark thinking of the best way to teach the other man a lesson. 


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