Endings and Beginnings - Book 3 Chapter 5 Somehow they were on the floor Justin felt the weight of the other body spreading out over his own. He could feel the heat of the other man’s hands as they roamed willfully over his skin. He arched up into the touch feeling finger tips and lips skillfully pulling moans and gasps from his throat. Somewhere in the back of his mind he could hear a voice warning him that this was wrong, all this he was feeling was wrong but he refused to listen as he closed his eyes and gave into the sensations washing over him. He could feel the man’s breath now on his neck hot and moist as he murmured, “Justin, Justin, Justin”. It was like a mantra or a prayer. Justin smiled and pulled the man’s lips more forcefully into his flesh. Words of love poured out of the lips as they traced a path from his jaw to his mouth. There the words were swallowed up between them as their tongues dueled for dominance. ‘If you don’t hear what you want then you walk away.’ The words echoed faintly in his mind. ‘You’re all I want’, Ethan’s voice washing over Brian’s words, drowning them out. ‘In ways that I won’t’ Brian’s words overlaying Ethan’s. Another battle raging in his mind as his body fought to be closer to the lips and hands touching him now. “I love you Justin.” Max’s voice startled the blonde as he felt the man move lower on his body. Words, words, they were only words. He’d left Brian once for words, words that had grown cold in a bed that wasn’t heated by blue lights and hazel eyes. The warning voice grew louder. This was wrong. These weren’t the hands or lips that his body craved. This was the path he had chosen years before. The easy path where words fell like spring rain and evaporated just as quickly. Justin forced his eyes open and reached for the man. “Stop.” He whispered. Max continued working his way down the blonde’s body. “Max. Stop!” Justin exclaimed causing the man to halt and move back up to look into Justin’s eyes. “What’s wrong?” Max asked lowering his head and kissing Justin’s swollen lips lightly. “This is a mistake.” Justin explained his breath rushing out over Max’s lips and face. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” He pushed the man lightly away and Max relented reluctantly. “I don’t understand.” He offered feeling confused and irritated. What had just happened? One minute he had Justin just were he wanted him and the next it was over. “No one does, least of all me.” Justin explained cryptically. He grabbed up his shirt as he fastened his pants. Max’s shirt was missing as well. Justin wondered if he had removed it or if Max had. He was amazed that he couldn’t’ remember. Everything had happened so fast. One minute they had been talking, then kissing then suddenly writhing half naked on the floor. “I’m going to head back to my room.” Justin explained. “I shouldn’t have let this happen again.” He swallowed hard feeling vulnerable and embarrassed. Why did he always wind up attached at the lips with his boss? He reached for his son and lifted him gently into his arms. “Don’t be ridiculous.” Max warned. “It was more me than you.” Justin glanced up as he settled the still sleeping Stephen on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.” He offered. “I’m so fucked up Max. I think you’d be better off if I just quit.” Max rose quickly and moved to the man. “Now you are really being ridiculous.” He shook his head. “I’m lucky you don’t sue me for sexual harassment.” He whispered careful not to wake the baby. “I’d never do that. It wasn’t rape after all. That was me moaning and begging for more.” Justin blushed slightly at his own admission. “Then why stop?” Max asked moving closer his eyes soft as he silently loved the young man standing before him. “Because I love him.” Justin admitted. “Even—“ “Even when he fucks up. Even if he doesn’t love me.” He sighed wearily. “I played the substitute game before and it wasn’t fair to anyone.” He glanced up. Max realized then what Justin was admitting. He’d never really loved Ethan, not the way he loved Brian. “I won’t ever hurt anyone like that again.” Justin vowed. “Unless you’re the one that they’re both in love with. Then you can break both their hearts.” Those words flooded back as Justin suddenly realizing the prophetic ring they held. “Don’t quit. The Center needs you. I need you.” Max attempted to change the subject not wanting to think of the hold Kinney still had on the blond. “Do you?” Justin asked. “I don’t think you do. I seem to be causing you more trouble than I’m worth.” “Justin, it’s okay.” Max reached out touching the other man’s arm. “Max, I’m hurting you. I’m leading you on.” He shook his head. “How is that possible okay?” Max looked around the room wildly as if searching for an answer. Finding no possible reason he looked back at Justin and smiled. “It doesn’t have to be this way.” He offered. Justin looked up into Max’s beautiful dark eyes and reached out with his free hand bring the man into a soft and tender kiss. When they pulled back Justin’s eyes held unshed tears. Max searched the other man’s face in confusion unsure of what the loving embrace had meant. “It would be so easy to fall in love with you. You’re so open, so honest, so giving. You’re everything that I could ever want—“ “Except I’m not Brian Kinney.” Max concluded. “Sometimes I feel like I’m branded. Like the night we first met and he took me home, he marked me in a way where I can never love anyone as much as I love him.” Justin admitted. He continued to hold Max’s gaze even though he felt the man stiffen in response to his words. “Justin—“ “You think about whether you want me around every day or not. If you choose to let me go, I’ll understand. No law suits, I promise.” Justin shifted Stephen so that he was higher on his shoulder. Max moved to open the door for the other man. “I’ll call you later.” He promised. Justin merely nodded. He offered Max one last small smile before disappearing through the door. Closing his eyes, Max slumped back against the door he’d just held for Justin. How had things gotten so off track? One moment he is on the verge of making love to the man and the next Justin is offering to quit his job. Max didn’t need to think about Justin’s offer. There was no way he was letting the blonde out of his life. One day Kinney’s spell would break and when it did Max would be there, first in line, and once Justin was his, he’d never let him go. *************************** Brian and Gus were in the middle of checking out the pay for view movie when they heard a knock on the door. Brian felt his hopes rise but refused to give into them completely as he realized it was more than likely Mikey stopping by to issue another lecture. Opening the door Brian felt his breath catch at the sight of Justin and Stephen. “He’s heavy. I need to put him on the bed.” Justin offered. Brian moved aside then hurried to move his and Gus’jackets from the bed. He watched as Justin slowly lowered the baby spooning him with his own body until he seemed to settle back into his nap. “How long has he been asleep?” Gus asked longing to have his playmate back. It had been a long and boring day without the other boy. “Almost an hour.” Justin offered. “He should be out for another thirty minutes or so.” He whispered. Gus took the hint and tiptoed back over to where he had been flipping through the channels. “You look like you could use a nap too.” Brian offered. “I think I’ll take a shower instead.” Justin offered his tone cool. Brian was immediately suspicious. He could remember those distant days when Justin would arrive back at the loft only to head immediately to the shower to wash away the evidence of his infidelity. “I can join you?” Brian offered wanting to help wash Max’s touch from Justin’s body. “No thanks.” Justin replied as he headed for the closet and retrieved some fresh clothing. Brian stood watching longing to ask the question but knowing he had no right. How could he possibly ask if Justin had just had sex with Max when their entire breakdown today had been over his fucking the concierge? Hearing another knock on the door both men looked to the door then at each other. “Expecting someone?” Brian asked sarcastically. Justin shook his head wearily and headed into the bathroom shutting the door behind him. Brian walked over to the door. This time it was Mikey. The smaller man entered the room before Brian could stop him. “What is Stephen doing here?” Michael asked noticing the boy sleeping on the bed. “Sleeping if you’ll keep it down. Otherwise you can deal with him all afternoon when he’s cranky.” Brian warned. “Maybe you need a nap.” Michael teased. “Why are you here?” Brian asked ignoring the insult. The sound of the shower starting caused Michael to raise one eyebrow. “It’s Justin.” Brian stated in response. It pissed him off that his friend would think so little of him to even consider that he would trick with Gus around. “He’s here?” Michael seemed surprised. “Yeah and so are you. I know why he is. Now it’s your turn. Why are you here?” Brian felt irritated. He wanted a chance to talk to Justin. They had a lot to sort out and there was no way that that could happen with two small children and an overprotective friend hanging around. “I wanted you to know that I talked to him.” He offered. Brian furrowed his brow in confusion. “Him?” He replied. “Justin.” Michael replied impatiently. “Why the fuck did you do that?” Brian spat. “Dad?” Gus warned from the chair. “That’s a quarter.” Brian reached into his pocket and handed his son a dollar. “I don’t have change.” Gus replied. “Trust me you won’t need it.” Michael smirked but Gus stared back quizzically not understanding why Uncle Mike had meant. “Why?” Brian demanded. “I told him to accept you or fuck off.” Michael sat down on the bed causing Stephen to stir slightly. “Watch what you’re doing.” Brian warned hovering for a moment over the baby to make sure he was going to remain asleep. “Uncle Mike.” Gus moved until he was standing in front of his uncle with his hand out. “Take it out of the dollar.” Michael groused not finding this practice nearly as amusing as when Brian was the one anteing up. “Pay your own fines.” Brian barked. Stephen shifted again but his movement went unnoticed as Gus and Brian waited for the man to produce a quarter. “There.” Michael handed a now smiling Gus his quarter. “Thank you.” The boy replied sweetly as he made his way back to his chair. It was then that Stephen let out a wail. He wasn’t sure where he was and wasn’t finished with his nap. He was basically miserable and felt the need to make sure everyone in the hotel knew it. The door to the bathroom opened and Justin emerged with a white hotel towel wrapped around his hips. “What happened?” He asked as he moved to take over for Brian who was trying to settle the baby back down. Glancing over at Michael Justin continued. “Oh.” Michael bristled. “I didn’t do anything.” He defended. “He just woke up.” Justin moved away from the men soothing the baby who was still crying inconsolably. He whispered soothing words until the wails subsided and the little boy quieted against his chest. Justin moved back to the bed and sat on the edge still holding the little boy who was now clinging to his father. Gus made his way over and managed to get his face into the baby line of view. “Gus.” Stephen squealed in delight as he immediately switched gears from cranky to elation. Justin sighed and placed the baby back on the bed. “Will you watch him until I can get dressed?” He asked. Brian nodded. Justin continued to ignore Michael. Brian noticed and realized that this was definitely a clue as to how Michael interference had been received by the blonde. “Thanks for stopping by.” Brian enthused as he headed over to the door and held it open for the other man. “I was just trying to help.” Michael defended feeling defeated and unappreciated. “Well don’t. I don’t want you to.” Brian stated his voice soft but firm. Michael cast one last look in the direction of the bathroom before leaving. Brian shut the door just as Justin emerged dressed but his hair still wet. “How was your shower?” He asked. “Short. How was your BEST friend?” Justin replied. “Short.” They both laughed at that but Justin quickly schooled his emotions. He wasn’t ready to make up and play nice. They had too many issues that needed to be settled. Glancing at the two boys he realized that now was not the time though. They would have to wait until tonight. ************************** “What exactly did you say?” Ben asked deciding against dessert after all. “I just told him not to hurt Brian again. He needs to just learn to accept him.” Ben placed his hands on the table and stared at Michael. Michael noted the anger in the man’s eyes and his voice trailed off. “I asked you to leave them alone didn’t I?” Michael started to defend his action but stopped when he realized Ben wasn’t finished. “I asked you to leave them alone, but you just couldn’t do it could you?” He picked up his water glass and took a sip counting backwards from twenty as he swallowed. “He’s going to hurt Brian.” Michael meekly stated. “Well this morning Brian obvious hurt Justin, but that doesn’t seem to register for very long now does it?” Ben asked. Michael looked away trying to find a way to get his partner to understand why he had felt it necessary to talk to Justin and defend Brian. “Brian—“ “Is a grown man who doesn’t need his best friend to run interference for him with his lover.” Ben stared at Michael his eyes conveying that this was a message he expected Michael to not only accept but live by. “Ben you don’t understand. Brian is complicated. Justin is always expecting too much. He keeps thinking that Brian will change but he won’t.” Michael explained. “Of course he won’t, not with you constantly making excuses for him and telling him that it’s okay to treat people like shit.” Ben threw his napkin on the table. He was done. “I don’t make excuses for him.” Ben’s eyes widened at Michael words. He shook his head staring at the man as though he had grown another head. “You have got to be kidding me.” He smirked in frustration. “That’s all you ever do.” He sighed. “One minute you’re calling him an asshole and the next minute you’re defending him when someone else calls him that. Do you think you have exclusive rights on the obvious?” Michael furrowed his brow. “I don’t know what you mean.” He stated defensively. Sometimes he had a hard time following Ben when they argued. “You think that you have the right to judge him, to call him names, to point out his faults but everyone else is suppose to hold him up like some untouchable god. He’s a man Michael. He’s a man who, from what you’ve told me, had a fucked up childhood, but lots of people have fucked up childhoods. It isn’t an excuse to be an asshole all your life, or to hurt other people time and time again. If he had a rough childhood he has a choice. He can get over it, get some help, or he can let it ruin the rest of his life. Stop making excuses for him. Maybe if you encouraged him to grow up, he would.” Ben motioned for the check. Michael looked around to see who Ben was waving to. “What are you doing?” He asked ignoring the point Ben had just made. “I’m paying the check. I’m tired and I’m going back to the room.” “Are you sick?” Michael asked sounding alarmed. “Not that kind of tired.” Ben stated handing over his credit card. “I’m tired of Brian constantly coming between us.” “He isn’t between us.” Michael argued. “You asked me what I did, I told you and you started this fight with me.” “You’re the one who interfered when I specifically asked you to stay out of it.” The waiter returned and Ben signed the ticket. “He’s my—“ “Best Friend.” Ben finished through clenched teeth. “I know. Everyone knows that, but are you really?” Michael seemed shocked at the question. “Because I would think if you were his best friend you would want what is best for him and that is growing up, admitting his feelings and trying to have what he lost three years ago. Justin is good for Brian, but maybe you don’t want Brian to grow up or to have that sort of happiness.” Ben rose and reached for his jacket. “How could you say that? Why wouldn’t I want Brian to be happy with Justin?” Michael asked defensively. “Because then you’d have to accept once and for all that he will never be with you.” Michael felt as though he had been sucker punched as he watched his partner walk out of the room. ****************************** Brian lay awake in bed next to his son willing the young boy to sleep. Stephen had drifted off half an hour before. Brian knew that once his son surrendered that he and Justin would be able to talk and stop tiptoeing around each other like they had all afternoon. Brian had been surprised when Justin had returned and had felt jealous knowing that Max had not doubt had the young blonde for lunch. As he lay in his bed Brian realized that he already missed Justin’s body lying next to his. It brought back terrible memories of those first few weeks after Justin had walked out to be with Ethan. He didn’t want to go back to that but at the same time he realized that was exactly where they were. Brian considered Max Collins for a moment. He was an attractive man and he had definitely brought Justin along on this trip with an ulterior motive. He had also made no bones about the fact that in the long run he would have Justin. Well it hadn’t taken him long to do just that. Brian felt the little boy relax against him and his breathing deepen. He knew that Gus was out. He relished the last few moments of peace not certain how the next hour was going to play out. Moving off of the bed Brian made his way over to where the blond sat waiting for him. Brian took in the straight shoulders and up turned chin as Justin stared out into the Toronto night. Brian could feel the tension coming off of Justin in waves. He stopped by the mini bar for fortification before slouching down in his designated chair. The dim light from the desk reflected off of Justin’s hair but only managed to cast shades of shadow across the man’s face. “Did you fuck him?” Brian asked as he set the empty mini bottle of JB on the table. Justin’s eyes shot up at that as he considered who Brian was referring to. “None of your business.” Justin stated. “Well you had lunch with him, came in and showered immediately, that’s your typical mode of operandi when fucking someone behind my back.” The brunet opened a second bottle and sucked it back. “Fuck. You.” Justin replied incredulously. “Is that a proposition? You sure you’re up to it after your afternoon romp with the boss?” “Shit.” Justin spat. “This is fucking useless.” He demanded. “You know I came back here to try to sort out what it is that we have going on between us. I came here to fight for it, but all you can do is throw sarcastic innuendos at me.” Justin stood up so that he could stare down at the man. “For the record, you should know that the best defense isn’t a good offense, not this time. You have no room to judge me Brian.” “I’m not judging Sunshine.” The term of endearment seemed to sour in his mouth. “I’m just making an observation.” “Well let me make another observation.” Justin rushed out. “You got up out of OUR bed, went down to the lobby, picked up a trick, and fucked him all night. Then you have the gall to ask me about Max?” Brian had assumed that this was how the conversation would go. He had no intention of being dictated to by Justin or anyone else for that matter. It was important that the lines be drawn now. “It’s different.” Brian explained. “What’s different?” Justin asked angrily. “Max wants you.” He said instead. “Fuck that.” Justin defended himself. “You think Max is the only guy to come on to me since Ethan died?” His eyes pinned Brian to his chair. Brian didn’t know what to say to that. ‘Yes.’ would have been his answer but he knew that that wouldn’t set well so he just shrugged. “You want me to list the offers I’ve had. I’ve had three dinner invites, eight room numbers shoved in my face, and five blow job offers just at this convention alone. Hell two of the Dad’s whose kids are at the GLC daycare have hit on me and one of the workmen involved in the south wings renovation.” He stared at Brian pissed to see how shocked the man looked. “Do you find that so hard to believe?” Justin demanded. “No.” Brian stuttered then smirked. “I’m just surprised that I never thought about it.” “Well neither did I. I haven’t taken up anyone on their offers. I’ve said no and do you know why?” Brian shook his head. “Because there is only one man I want to be with. It’s this huge fucking fault I have. I can’t seem to fuck around and be happy. I seem to enjoy being monogamous which would be great if the guy that I wanted felt the same way, but he doesn’t.” Brian rolled his eyes in irritation. Justin continued. “He likes to fuck around so I have the choice of either sitting around watching and being his sloppy seconds or settling for someone I don’t love but is willing to be monogamous with me.” Justin felt angry and tired. “Like Max?” Brian refused to let go of it. “What happened between me and Max is none of your business at the moment.” Justin stated. “At the moment?” Brian asked incredulously. “That’s right. For now, given your extracurricular activities, I don’t think my sex life is any of your business.” Justin challenged. “Fucking around behind my back, that’s original. I guess it wasn’t my business back then either?” Brian shot. Justin blanched at the reference. It felt as if Brian had slapped him. He couldn’t believe that Brian was throwing the past back in his face. “As a matter of fact it wasn’t any of your business just like it wasn’t any of Michael’s business. We weren’t monogamous.” He shot back still reeling at this line of questioning. “You don’t really expect me to buy that bullshit.” Brian stated incredulously. “It’s not bullshit.” Justin defended feeling as thought he was beginning to lose his edge. “There is a huge difference between what I do and what you did.” Justin merely gave the man a disbelieving look. “I don’t confuse sex with love.” Justin gave a curt nod then moved toward the far side of the room. “Well glad we cleared that up.” Brian stood and reached for the man stopping him as he reached the far side of the bed. “That’s so like you. Just walk away Justin. Queen out, throw a fit.” Brian ranted. “Grow up for fuck sake.” Justin squared his shoulders. “Pot this is the kettle, you’re black.” He shouted back causing both boys to shift in their sleep. Brian and Justin paused a moment allowing the children to sink back into a deep sleep. “Don’t lecture me on growing up when you live your life like the 14 year old horned up boy that Michael fell in love with. You aren’t Peter Pan, time marching on, either join the parade or get off the float.” “What the fuck is that suppose to mean?” Brian asked. Justin shook his head. “I’m not sure.” It had sounded much better in his head than out loud. Justin persisted.“But the point is the same. Grow up Brian. Love, be loved, get hurt, heal, get pissed off and then forgive. It’s called a relationship. I want one.” Justin pleaded. Brian felt the internal struggle waging war within him. A part of him longed to take Justin into his arm, whisper those promising words then make love to him all night, but the other part felt panicked. It was a struggle not to bolt from the room and never look back. Brian had never loved like this before. All he had ever known of love was spoken words coupled with a painful left to his jaw. Love was painful and risky. He’d risked his heart four years ago and had watched as Justin’s blood had pooled around his body. He’d risked it again and felt his heart ripped from his chest as it walked out of Babylon still holding to the blonde who was leaving him for another man. That had been the last time he had risked loving someone. He wasn’t sure he could survive it again. “Well?” Justin asked his heart in his throat. Brian was staring at him with a new intensity but the longer the man went without speaking the more nervous Justin became. “I can’t.” Brian muttered. He watched as the clear blue pleading eyes filled with pain then slowly the mask drew down like a black curtain hiding all emotion locking the older man out. Justin pulled away crossing his arms over his chest staring first at the floor then the wall and then finally at Stephen. Brian watched as he processed the words. He watched the young man search for a place to store them. It seemed more than he was capable to managing. Brian stepped forward but Justin’s hand shot out halting him. “Okay.” He finally whispered. “Okay.” He stated again moments later. The final time his voice as stronger and full of resolve. “What does that mean?” Brian asked filled with concern. “We’ll just be friends.” Justin announced. “Justin—“ “It’s all I can offer you Brian.” He moved to Stephen and pulled the blanket up around his body. “I won’t be your fuck buddy. I want more than a quick one here or there when you’re between tricks.” “It’s never been like that.” Brian defended. “It doesn’t matter what it’s been like, that’s what it feels like and I deserve better than that.” Justin looked up meeting Brian’s eyes and holding him. “Justin it doesn’t have to be one or the other. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.” Brian argued feeling defensive and raw. “This is where it all went wrong before. I just don’t know how to get past this and I don’t want to relive it.” Justin admitted. “We’re you happy the last time to walk away from us? Did that do it for you?” He watched Justin’s stiffen. Brian knew he was treading on dangerous territory. Justin wouldn’t tolerate him going off on his deceased partner. “No.” Justin finally whispered. “Okay then so let’s not do that again.” “How can we help but when nothing changes.” Justin said. “Define “nothing”.” Brian stated feeling his heart in his throat. “Your tricking, Michael’s interference.” Justin sighed in exasperation. “Your needing to pretend we’re some straight married couple?” Brian defended. “I don’t need that but I have no interest in being someone’s fuck buddy either. I need more than that.” “Like before?” Brian asked bitterness bleeding into his words. “I sometimes wonder what would have happened if Michael had come to me before he came to you about Ethan.” Justin murmured thoughtfully. “If he had just stayed out of it completely.” “He wanted to protect me. You were cheating.” Brian announced hoping to end the Michael portion of their conversation. He wasn’t comfortable talking about this. “That’s right Brian I was and do you know why?” Brian knew from Justin’s tone that he had taken the wrong tact. “I was sleeping with Ethan behind your back because I felt dead inside. I felt cheap and used and empty. I felt common and pathetic. I felt like a convenient fuck, just a piece of ass there when you wanted it. Brian Kinney’s lap dog trained to sit, stay and beg.” Justin swallowed remembering those days with a renewed clarity. “I use to go to his apartment and he would play his violin and I would listen to him as he seduced me with his songs. Then we would undress one another and he would lay me back and—“ “Shut up.” Brian spat angrily suddenly ready to leave “I don’t want to hear this.” “Well you’re going to.” Justin stated his eyes boring into the man. “In his arms I felt alive and loved. He would lay me back in his bed and make love to me. He would tell me how much he loved being with me and how special I was.” Brian shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “And the whole time he was kissing me and touching me and whispering these words to me I would lay there and wonder ‘Why can’t Brian love me like this?’” Brian looked up at him his brow furrowed. “Because I’m fucked up. Is that what you want to hear?” Brian demanded. “I’m some twisted train wreck and there are no survivors in here” He moved away feeling raw. “That’s a lie.” Justin refused to back down as much as it pained him to see Brian hurting. “You survived. You could give more. You choose not to. It’s too easy staying 14, no excuses, no apologies,--“ “No regrets.” Brian whispered finishing Justin’s thought. “I don’t want regrets this time Brian.” Justin admitted feeling defeat sink in to his weary body. “You had them before?” Brian asked sounding surprised. Justin smirked bitterly remembering. “I regretted that I walked away. I regretted that I hurt you. I regretted how ugly it all got.” Justin glanced up. “I didn’t handle it very well.” “So now what?” Brian asked not sure at all what if anything had been accomplished by this conversation. “I don’t want to lose you.” Justin admitted sitting on the edge of the bed. “I don’t want to lose you either.” He sat next to the man rubbing his hand up and down Justin’s arm. “So I guess we try this friendship thing.” Justin offered. Brian sighed heavily but consented with a nod. He continued to rub his hand up Justin arm, then lowered his lips to nuzzle the blonde’s neck. “Brian.” Justin turned pulling away. He gave the man a small sad smile. “Friends don’t fuck friends.” He rose from the bed and moved away leaving Brian alone again. *********************************