Endings and Beginnings Chapter 4 Brian woke and glanced over at his alarm clock. It was seven. Brian stretched then debated about calling in sick. He hadn’t gotten in until after two. He’d stayed with Justin just holding him, listening, trying to say supportive soothing words. Justin had been completely exhausted when Brian had finally left him. After a quick shower Brian headed out to the diner. He knew he would get a million questions about the call he had received the night before. Everyone was so anxious to know if there was any magic left between he and Justin. In all honesty he was curious about that himself, but now was not the time to explore that area with the man. Justin needed time. He was barely holding it together. As he entered the diner he noticed that the booth fell silent and Deb immediately made a bee line for his body. “Well?” She asked. “ How is he?” He glanced about the table seeing concern on the faces before him. He had decided that he would only answer their questions if they were asked out of sincere concern. “Not good. “ Brian looked down at the menu. “What did he say?” Emmett asked reaching out to touch Brian’s hand something the man never did. Brian looked up and noticed tears in Emmett’s eyes. He had always known that Emmett had admired Justin and treated him as a little brother. “He woke up today and started trying to figure out how to live the rest of his life without his partner. I’m sure he is working very hard to just remember to breathe in and out.” Brian didn’t trust his voice to say any more. He instead rolled his lips in and out of his mouth once and shook his head before lifting the menu to block his face from the others. He needed a moment to get it all back under control. “Bless Sunshine.” Deb’s voice was hoarse and she cleared her throat before asking for their orders. Once she had gone to turn them in Brian lowered the menu once more. The table was silent as each man seemed lost in his own thoughts. Michael couldn’t help but notice the change in Brian. He would never understand what he saw in Justin. He had come into the man’s life, turned it upside down, then disappeared leaving it in ruins. Now three years later he was back and Brian was once again allowing the other man back in where few had ever been allowed to tread. Brian must have felt Michael’s scrutiny and glance up meeting the other man’s stare. “Stop it.” Was all he said. He had made a lot of mistakes the first time with Justin the first of which had been ignoring Michael’s over protectiveness. He was an adult and didn’t need anyone to protect him. Michael sighed and shook his head. “I just don’t get it. No contact for three years and in one day he is back in your life like he never left.” “That’s not true Mikey.” Brian looked at his friend. “He may be back but a lot has changed. Did you not hear me before? He lost his partner. He was a mess last night. He wasn’t trying to get me back. He was trying to find the strength to get through the rest of his miserable life. He needs his friends right now. I’m trying to be that for him. Whatever happened between us three years ago, he was my friend. He stood by me when I fucked up how many times? How many Mikey? He never turned his back on me.” He was trying to keep his tone level and unemotional but was starting to slip when Michael interrupted him. “Like hell he didn’t. What do you call the cheating? What do you call his walking out on you that night at the Rage party?” Michael asked his anger returning in the face of Brian’s calm. “Desperation Michael. Fucking finger clawing, heart wrenching, gasping for breath DESPERATION.” He yelled. “He begged me the night before. Fucking begged me for anything, are you listening?” Michael nodded dumbly. “Fucking BEGGED me for any sign that I cared for him. No no you know what? First he APOLOGIZED for the cheating and then BEGGED me for some tiny pathetic sign that I gave a shit about him and guess what? Anyone? Anyone want to guess?” Brian knew he was over the top but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. It was as if all the sleepless nights of regret he had endured over the last three years were driving him to admit not only to himself but to those closest to him that it had been as much his fault as it had Justin’s. He’d always stated as much but never explained why. It was time everyone knew. He glanced from one man’s face to the next. The looks on the other men’s faces were paralyzed in shock. “I told him to leave. Told him I would never give him what he wanted. I told him I didn’t know why he was still there with me. Then I walked away.” Debbie arrived with their food silencing him for a moment. Even after the plates had been put in front of them no one moved waiting to see if Brian was finished or not. “Why?” Debbie finally asked. Brian looked up at her. “Why didn’t you tell him? You know you loved him. Why? You all but admitted it to me.” She wasn’t harsh but she wasn’t kind either. “Because I’m Brian Kinney for fuck sake whatever the hell that means.” He mumbled trying to find a way to eat his toast that he no longer wanted. He had never shown this much of himself to anyone before let alone a table full of people. Now they all knew. They all knew that he had loved Justin. They all knew that he had pushed the boy away. They all knew he still loved Justin. They knew he was human. The very though of it scared the shit out of him while at the same time offered him more freedom than he had ever had in his life. “Brian.” He looked up meeting Emmett’s eyes. He hoped that the man wasn’t about to say something warm and fuzzy. “Would you swap me your strawberry jelly for this grape?” He held up the package. Brian handed over the jelly packets from his plate then watched as Emmett set about calmly fixing his toast. His gaze scanned all the busy faces at the table as each man set about eating their food. Glancing up he met Deb’s gaze. The woman winked before headed to her new table to take an order. Much to his surprise Brian Kinney realized he had just admitted he was human and the world hadn’t stop spinning. He smirked to himself as he realized that maybe his humanity wasn’t the well guarded secret he had always thought it was. ************** “Oh my gosh can you believe how he went on at the table today?” Emmett chirped as he and Ted started out on their way to work. Ted opened the car door for Emmett who quickly folded himself inside ready to continue their conversation. “I think it was amazing. I mean Brian Kinney has a heart who’d have known.” Ted said sarcastically. “He still loves him.” Emmett commented. “Did you see his face when he spoke about him? He still loves him.” “Well I doubt Justin will be up for any romance anytime soon.” Ted began. “Whether he loved him or not, Justin left and had a whole other life. They were partners Em. They had a child together. You don’t just forget all of that in one day.” Emmett nodded. He knew that Ted was telling the truth, but he could still be hopeful. He had always hoped that Justin and Brian would have stayed together. He had loved watching that young boy work his way into Brian’s cold unfeeling heart. It had been amazing to watch. Brian had been powerless and scared shitless. In the end the fear had won out but maybe this time it wouldn’t. He wondered how long Justin was in town for? He wondered how they could ever find each other again if one man was in Pittsburg and the other in New York? He watched as the store came into view. “Thanks for the ride Love.” He said leaning over to quickly kiss Ted before leaving the car. “I’ll see you tonight.” Ted smiled as he watched his lover make his way to the store. He thought about Justin never seeing Ethan again and wondered what he would do if anything happened to Emmett. He pushed the thought away quickly. It was just too painful to think about. ************ “So has he called you yet?” Brian asked as soon as Lindsay picked up the phone. “Good morning to you too Brian. Who are you talking about?” She was loading the dishwasher having just returned from dropping Gus off at kindergarten. “Michael. Did he call you?” He stopped at the red light refusing to meet the angry glare of the driver in the next car who he had cut off only two intersections back. “Nope. Why would he be calling me?” She asked leaning against the counter one hand on her hip. “I sort of lost it in the Diner this morning.” “Sort of?” She asked waiting. “Yeah I was up with Justin last night talking and the guys asked some questions about it. Michael got a little nasty about our history, Justin’s and mine, and I sort of lost it.” He could see his building from his car now. He would be there in less than five minutes. “Can we have lunch?” He asked knowing he needed to vent to her before he lost it again. He had found that it was much like venting steam. If he could drain off a little emotion with Lindsay from time to time he could keep his shields up with the guys so much better. “Sure. I’ll pick you up at your office at noon.” Lindsay was intrigued and concerned. She was certain that it had been his time with Justin that had left Brian so exposed. Justin had always been able to get to places in Brian that few if anyone had ever seen. She too wondered what they had talked about. Maybe she would find out at lunch. They hung up and she made her way out to the laundry room. If she was taking a lunch she had to get her work done early. ************************************** Justin felt himself coming to life again. He was rising out of a dreamless sleep. As he started to float just at the surfaces of consciousness he inwardly stretched. There was something dark and foreboding waiting for him when he woke. He tried to remember what it was. He had felt happy only minutes before but now he knew that for some reason that didn’t feel right. He buried himself deeper in his pillow and refused to wake until he remembered. He thought about Stephen. Had he been sick the night before? Was he alright? Maybe it was the rent? Did they have the money for the rent this month? Justin began working through the list of usual suspects that caused feelings of dark and dread. It then came out at him like headlights running him down, like a bat out of nowhere, causing him to spring up in his bed and reach for the cold sheets on the other side. ‘No no no no no’ His mind chanted as he pulled his knees up to his chest and slowly rocked to and fro, his head not pressed to his knees. The reality of his life closed in on him. Ethan was dead. Ethan was gone forever. They had the service yesterday. He’d been in the ground for two days now. Justin refused to think of Ethan lying in a coffin waiting for time to erase any evidence of his existence. Justin felt the warmth of his tears as they trailed down his face and then onto his knees. He trembled uncontrollably as his emotions carried him away. He sobbed silently not wanting to alarm his mother or Molly. He felt so alone. He felt so overwhelmed. What was he going to do? How was he going to go on without his partner? He laid back down and pulled the blanket over his head refusing to face the future that awaited him just beyond the edge of his mattress. He knew once he got back to New York he wouldn’t have the luxury of grief. Even though Ethan had enjoyed a notable amount of success, he had been to early into his career to have amassed any real money. The expense of living in New York caused the couple to be in varying states of poverty depending on the day of the month and the number of engagements. Jennifer had always somehow managed to know when things were really desperate and a check for one birthday or another would appear. Both men knew why the check had really been given since more times than not neither had a birthday anywhere on the horizon. Justin had always been so grateful for his mother’s love and support. She had truly been the only consistent person in his life since he came out. ‘She’s still here.’ He reminded himself. ‘I’m not really alone. I have Stephen. I have Mom. I have Molly.’ He tried to buoy himself enough to face the day. ‘Maybe just one day in bed.’ Justin thought. ‘No, no hiding. You can’t hide.’ He countered himself. ‘I’m not hiding. I’m really tired. The rest would do me good.’ He reasoned with himself. ‘You’ve been tired before and not taken to your bed.’ The sound of Stephen’s fussing down the hall ended the debate entirely. “Shit.” Justin cursed as he pulled himself out of bed. He wasn’t angry at Stephen. He knew his son was coping as well as could be expected, better in fact. No, it wasn’t his son that made him feel this way, it was his life. It was the weight of countless years stretching out before him. How would he ever endure them all? How would he go on? How would he ever survive? “First one moment at a time, then a day at a time, soon you will find it is a week at a time then a month will have passed, then two and eventually a year.” Brian’s words comforted him. He held on to them like a life line as he reached for his robe and quickly tied it around his waist. Stephen needed him and that was enough for the day. He didn’t have a choice about whether or not he went on. He had a son to think of. Justin would endure. He would survive, somehow he would survive. ************************************** “Hey what are you doing here?” Ben’s face lit up at seeing Michael leaning against the wall opposite of his classroom. “Waiting for you.” He said crossing between the few students still exiting the room and gave his lover a quick kiss. “Great. I don’t have another class for an hour. Want to grab some coffee?” He asked. “Sure. I have to get back to the shop soon though. I have the new guy watching it and I am not sure he knows how to handle everything on the register yet.” Ben nodded and led his partner to a small student coffee spot in the main union building. Michael noticed the large number of students that spoke to Ben directly or cast appreciative glances his way as he walked past. “Whoa I have to start really working out if I am going to stand a chance of keeping you.” He teased. “You don’t need a chance. I’m already yours.” Ben laughed tightening his grip on the other man’s waist. Michael relaxed into this hand feeling grateful for the reassurance. “So what’s up?” Ben asked waiting patiently for Michael to open up. “It’s Brian.” He whined. “Of course it is.” He mused. “No really Ben. He lost it today at the Diner. All I said was that I couldn’t believe after three years Justin shows up and boom he is back in Brian’s life and Brian just went off.” “On you?” Ben asked not wanting to come between friends but not willing to see the one he loved abused by Brian. “No not really . He sort of just went off in general. He started ranting on about how Justin had begged him, but he yelled it like BEGGED him the night before he walked out on him for Ethan, he had BEGGED Brian for ANY SIGN that he cared for him and that Brian had pushed him away. It was so weird seeing Brian that way. He was so out of control. He was so angry.” Michael shook his head remembering the crazed look in Brian’s eyes. “Angry at you?” Ben asked taking a long draw on his coffee. “No.” Michael thought about it again then as if a light bulb had been turned on somewhere inside his head he announced. “Mad at himself.” Ben nodded. “That makes sense.” He said. “I guess.” Michael said his tone indicative that he didn’t get it. “Michael I think Brian regrets losing Justin. I have thought all along that he must have done something to push him away.” He paused considering his words. “Do you remember, I mean really remember, the way Justin looked at Brian?” Michael thought for a moment and then nodded. “He worshipped him. He loved him. Even when he was a shit to him he always had that look in his eyes like he—“ “loved him.” Michael completed Ben’s thought. “Right. Like he loved him. He did love him, but Brian was just so distant. He was so--“ “Self centered.” Michael laughed. “No not really.” Ben corrected capturing Michael’s full attention. “He was so scared.” “Scared of Justin?” Michael shook his head. There was absolutely nothing scary about Justin. “Yeah. Scared of Justin. Scared of loving Justin as much as Justin loved him. When you make being alone and not giving a shit your life’s philosophy what do you do when someone comes along and makes you see you are wasting your life and need to be loved?” Michael shook his head. “Well you have two options. You can accept that you have been wrong and accept the other person’s love and give that a chance to see if it makes you happy or you can run like hell and hope no one ever makes you look back.” Ben finished his coffee his eyes locked with Michael’s. “He’s looking back Michael.” Ben’s words made sense. Brian was looking back. But now that he was over Justin why would he want to go through all of that again. “But it’s been over with them forever.” Michael observed. “Really?” Ben smiled. “You think so?” Michael wasn’t sure what the smile meant but he knew that Ben was the most observant and smartest person he knew. “What are you saying? That Brian lost it because he still loves Justin?” Michael asked. “You knew that answer sitting at the Diner this morning. Do you really need me to give it to you?” Ben rose from his seat. “ I have to get to my next class.” Michael rose wanting to walk back to the lecture hall with his lover. When they had reached the door Ben pulled Michael into a small alcove away from the arriving students. Michael smiled thinking he was about to be kissed for all he was worth. Instead Ben cupped his face lovingly and stared deeply into his eyes. “Michael I know you have feelings for Brian. We’ve spoken of them before, but you are happy with me right?” He waited as Michael smiled up at him nodding enthusiastically. “Then stay out of it this time. Let Brian and Justin find each other again if that is what is meant to happen. Don’t undermine or force Brian to choose. This isn’t and never has been a competition between you and Justin for Brian’s love. Brian will always love you. You are his very best, dearest and oldest friend. Justin always respected that.” Michael started to protest but knew he couldn’t. Ben’s words were true. “Respect what Justin means to Brian. He’s had enough heartache. Let them have this Why don’t you spend this time that they aren’t together to find a way to be happy for them if and when it happens ok?” Michael nodded. He wanted Brian to be happy. He just didn’t think Justin was the one who could make him happy. After being with the man for three years Ben could fairly hear the thoughts running around in his head. “He was happy Michael. He was out of his mind happy with that kid.“ Ben kissed him lightly on the lips and made his way into his classroom leaving Michael alone with his own regrets. Looking back over the various confrontations he remembered having with Justin starting with the way he had treated the boy on the night he had first hooked up with Brian he had a lot of regrets. He would do his best to learn from his mistakes if that was possible. ********************* “So we’ve discussed Gus, Melanie, the upcoming art show at the GLC, are we ever going to talk about why you wanted to have lunch with me?” Lindsay asked as Brian motioned to the waiter for the check. “Hm?” He asked turning his full attention back to Lindsay. She rolled her eyes and lifted an eyebrow. “Oh my break down at the Diner this morning. I just lost it. One minute I was determined to keep it to myself and the next I am taking responsibility for Justin walking out on me.” He stared at the check as if trying to insure its accuracy. “You did what?” Lindsay exclaimed. Brian lifted his eyes to her and smiled waiting for her shocked reaction to pass. “I told the guys—“ “I heard you. You don’t really think that it was all your fault do you?” She asked leaning over the table to get closer to him. “Well no. “Brian considered. “I know that it wasn’t all my fault but I did more than my share of damage to our relationship.” He placed his credit card on the tray with the check and motioned that he was ready. After the waiter had removed the tray Brian turned back to Lindsay. “What did he want last night?” She asked. “Nothing much just a quick fuck. No big deal.” He watched her mouth fall open. It had been worth it. “No he just wanted to talk.” She gave him a playful glare. “Well how did it go?” She asked. “Wet. It went wet. He cried a lot. He is so—“ “Vulnerable?” Lindsay asked. “No. Well yes but no.” Brian replied looking for the right word. “Brian I wasn’t really asking. He is very vulnerable right now. He is hurting and scared and overwhelmed. I am sure it is very tempting for him to climb back into your arms and try to pretend that the last three years never happened.” She tried not to sound preachy but knew she had failed. “You think that was what he was trying to do?” He asked. “I don’t know but I’ve been trying to figure out what I would do if I lost Mel and I am pretty sure I would be looking for someone to take the pain away. I would be looking for someone to help me forget. Someone who could distract me from really dealing with the pain and loss.” “But you can’t forget.” Brian argued. “No I couldn’t really forget but maybe if it hurt so bad, if every moment of every day my heart felt like it was breaking, maybe an hour’s distraction would seem like a week long vacation. I ‘m sure the days are just dragging by for him. He has nothing to look forward to but coping and adjusting to the loss of someone he loved. Who wouldn’t want to escape that?” Lindsay smiled sympathetically. Brian felt confused. Justin hadn’t seemed to be trying to use him. He had seemed so sincere. “Why would he do that to me? How could he possibly think that he could use me that way?” Brian’s voice sounded angry. Lindsay shook her head and laid her hand on top of Brian’s. “No Brian he isn’t thinking. He is trying to survive. He isn’t thinking about anything. I’m sure thinking is the last thing he wants to do next to feeling something. Just be careful ok? You watch out for yourself. He’s hurting too much to think about you. He has his hands full just trying to look out for Stephen and himself.” She squeezed his hand. “I want him back.” Brian stated aloud what he had known in his heart for three years. “I know sweetie.” Lindsay met his gaze. “But you can’t have the old Justin back. He isn’t that 19 year old twink who could drive you crazy with just a look. He’s a 22 year old father who just spent three years in a committed relationship with a man who was suddenly taken from him in a tragic accident. Your Justin is as dead as Ethan is. You need to get to know who he is now before you can honestly know whether or not you still want him.” Brian knew that it was true. He had to get to know Justin again. He wondered for the hundredth time that day what Justin was doing at that moment. He wondered how long he would be in town. He hoped it would be long enough for them to have a little time together. “Do you think Gus could come over for a visit tomorrow?” Brian asked as they made their way out onto the street. “Sure.” Lindsay agreed. “I have tons of stuff to do for the GLC Art Show. It would be a huge help. How about I drop him off around 2 o’clock? Would that work?” Brian nodded kissing Lindsay on the cheek as the valet brought his jeep to the curb. ********************* “Hey.” Brian rubbed his eyes staring at the clock as he tried to make out the voice on the other end of the line. “Hey?” He asked. It was late. He was surprised to hear Justin’s voice on the other end of the line. “Everything okay?” Brian asked as he struggled to sit up. “Yeah I guess.” Justin said absently. “What time is it? Fuck I bet I woke you up.” He could hear Justin moving around probably looking for a clock. “It’s 3:00 a.m. “Brian simply said ending Justin’s search. “Jez Brian. I’m sorry. We can talk tomorrow. “He could tell the man was about to hang up. “Justin don’t. It’s ok. I have been thinking about you all day.” He rolled out of bed and headed to the kitchen for a bottle of water. “Everyone’s asleep but me and I just couldn’t be alone with all these thoughts—“ Justin’s voice trailed off. “I didn’t know who else to call. I’m not thinking straight. I’m really sorry I woke you.” He knew he should hang up but honestly believed if he did he would go mad before morning. He had already cleaned the kitchen, picked up the living room, washed two loads of Stephen’s things and alphabetized his mother’s bookshelves. “Want me to come over?” Brian offered. Justin’s voice sounded so strange. He was truly concerned for the blonde. “Yes of course. I want you come over and bring as much alcohol as you can carry. I want you to sit up and play scrabble and watch some movies.” He stated his tone light. “But that won’t help me tomorrow when Stephen piles out of bed at six and I have to find a way to function again.” “Justin—“ Brian started. Justin felt guilty for a moment. He knew he was out of line calling Brian. He knew he had no right to impose. Even though the man had forgiven him and they seemed to be finding a way to be friends once more, he understood the position he was putting the older man in. “No.” Justin said softly. “It’s not fair Brian. I have to really watch myself right now. I don’t want to use you or lean on you too much. It’s not fair to you. I made a choice these are the consequences.” His voice sounded determined but tired. Brian smiled thinking of his conversation with Lindsay. Justin was trying to look out for him even now when he was in so much pain himself. Somehow that fed his hope that there was still a chance for them down the road. “What are the consequences?” Brian asked wondering what Justin saw them to be. “That I don’t get to lean on you.” He sniffed and took a shaky breath. “Justin, friends lean on friends.” Brian’s voice was strong and honest. “You never leaned on me.” Justin replied. “Yeah I did.” Brian sighed as he settled himself back in his bed. “No you didn’t. You leaned on Michael.” There was something in Justin’s voice that caused Brian to feel slightly defensive. “Justin—“ “I don’t want to fight.” Justin stated quickly. “If you say you leaned on me I’ll just trust that you did.” He rushed out without any sincerity. “Justin, don’t do this.” Brian stated calmly. “I don’t think that now is a good time—“ “I know. You’re right. The past is the past. No apologies, no regret? Right?” Justin rubbed his temple feeling the beginnings of a headache. “I think you should try to remember all the things you still have in your life.” Brian stated trying to change the topic and also comfort the man. “Oh I know. I have a son and a family who loves me. I should be happy and grateful.” His voice betrayed the bitterness he felt. “No that’s not what I mean Justin. Yes you have a lot to be thankful for, but what happened sucks and it’s unfair, but no one ever said—“ “life was going to be fair.” Justin finished then added. “No shit.” The line was silent for few moments. “What do you want from me Justin? What do you want me to say?” Brian asked not sure that the man would even know. “Gosh I don’t know Brian I can’t remember you ever really being too concerned about what I wanted you to say.” He spat. He shook his head and swallowed hard. Why was he doing this? Why was he attacking Brian like this? The phone was silent and Justin wondered if the man had hung up. “Brian?” He asked. “Yes.” Brian replied in a clipped tone. “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.” Justin began then swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry. Just forget I called. I didn’t call to—“ “I think you did.” Brian stated. “I think you’re pissed and you need someone to yell at and that’s okay Justin. If you want to yell at me about how unfair it is that Ethan is dead then go ahead yell away, but I’m not going to sit here and debate ancient history with you.” Brian waited patiently for the blonde to decide what it was he wanted to do. “Okay.” Justin finally said. “You’re right. The past is the past. I’m just all over the place right now.” “Well thinking about the past will certainly keep your mind off of the present, but you have to deal with what’s happened Justin.” Brian stated softly. “Really? How insightful.” Justin threw out sarcastically. “Justin—“ Brian warned. “No. I mean do you really think I need for you to REMIND me that I have to deal with the facts of my life NOW?” He was angry and Brian fought not to take the bait. He too was tired and in no mood to be lectured. “Justin YOU called ME. I’m trying to be your FRIEND but your making it fucking impossible right now. What the hell do you want from me?” He clinched his jaw regretting his anger more than his words. “Nothing Brian. I don’t want anything from you.” Justin stated. “I’m sorry I woke you. Good night.” The phone line went dead. “Shit!” Brian spat as he threw the phone on the bed. Justin was right he was all over the place. Brian laid back down on his pillow and considered the conversation that he and Justin had just had. It was too muddle for the man to make any sense out of now. Tomorrow he was picking up Gus, he’d talk to Lindsay then. She could help him figure it out and then he would go to Justin and see if they couldn’t get a few things straight.