Pittsburgh, Justin’s Hospital Room Jennifer sat at her son’s side; his right hand lay gently in hers, their palms touching. With her free hand she carefully grazed her fingers over his as the tiniest muscles twitched unconsciously. Dr. Hamilton had just left, making his last visit before he went home for the night. Jennifer was grateful for the kind and easy manner that he possessed. She wasn’t sure she would have been able to handle everything if he had been condescending towards her. His biggest concern was monitoring his blood pressure. It had increased due to the large amount of blood he had lost, and if it spiked it could cause a stroke. However, it was safely within normal limits, so the doctor was optimistic. When she had inquired about the tremors in his hand he had told her that is was an unconscious response to signals Justin’s brain was generating as it healed, and that they were actually a positive sign. There was no certain timeframe for Justin regaining consciousness, but Dr. Hamilton told her it could have been worse. She had looked at him with confusion and he had addressed her uncertain stare. “The gentleman who came in with Justin was exceptionally adamant about informing everyone of your son’s allergies and to use extreme caution when giving him medications. He said the Justin was even allergic to Tylenol.” A look of grateful shock passed across her face as he continued. “It was a good thing he did too. If Justin had had an allergic reaction of any kind, we could have lost him. With all the other trauma, his body would not have been able to sustain it. His information and his immediate call to 911 contributed greatly to saving Justin’s life!” His last statement still echoed in her ears. Jennifer was so determined to lay the blame on Brian that she hadn’t even considered that he did everything within his power to get Justin to care as quickly as possible. Another twitch of Justin’s fingers drew her mind away from Brian, it would return there soon enough. As she turned to check the time, one of the ICU nurses came to record the quarter hour stats on Justin’s vitals. She smiled reassuringly, as Jennifer watched her face to see if there was any change that was not good. The worry in her eyes prompted the nurse to speak. “He is still very stable Mrs. Taylor. His blood pressure has leveled out and stayed within the proper ranges now for the last 2 hours, which is really good. And if his respiration stays adequate, Dr. Hamilton said that they may take him off the respirator soon.” She smiled again and turned to leave. Just as she got to the door she turned back. “Mrs. Taylor, talk to him. It has been shown that many patients even when in a coma can hear you. It may even help. The body needs time to heal, which is usually the reason someone may slip into a coma. But I sometimes think, that after a severe trauma like Justin sustained, it is fear that keeps them in it longer. If he knows that you are here and that others are very concerned about him it may help.” “Thank you.” Jennifer replied. “He does have a number of friends and family who are extremely anxious for him to return to us.” “You’re welcome. If you need anything, I’ll just be right outside.” She left Jennifer with her son. ---~^~^~^~^~--- Novotny Residence “Vic I’m going to go back to the hospital and sit with Jen for a while. I don’t like to think of her sitting there all by herself.” Deb said while reaching for her coat and keys. “Okay. Do you want me to come with you?” Vic asked. “No sweetie, that’s okay. I was hoping you could stay here in case Michael called. He said that he would call with his flight information. Plus maybe he has come up with some idea where Brian might have gone.” “Well I’ll ask him again just in case. Give me a call? Let me know if there have been any changes?” Vic asked with a catch in his voice, rolling his lips into his mouth, trying to control the emotions that were brewing behind his eyes. Debbie crossed the small space and enclosed her brother in her arms. Vic let a few stray tears fall for the young men with whom he had formed an indelible bond with. Brian had always been the son he never had, and Justin captivated all the strength and pride that Vic only hoped he portrayed to others. He silently prayed that fate would not separate them permanently, when it seemed that they had finally found each other. Vic was the one who had sat and held Daphne once she arrived at the hospital. Through her broken whimpers she had painted a beautiful verbal picture of the entire dance that Brian and Justin shared at the Prom. He was certain that Brian’s gesture of coming to the prom was his own silent way of letting Justin know how much the young man meant to him. That he loved him. Vic’s greatest fear, outside of the uncertainty still revolving around Justin, was the Brian would shut down completely. That if…no not if, when Justin came out of his coma, Brian would push Justin away, determined that he was not worthy of Justin or his love. The scars from his childhood ran that deep. Not wanting to worry Deb with contemplative silence, Vic composed himself and looked up at his sister with a thankful smile. “You better get going. I’ll be alright.” Vic stated. “I know you will. This is so difficult on all of us. I can only imagine the horror that Brian must be feeling right now. I still can’t believe that nurse made that kind of mistake. How could someone be so incompetent to give that type of information without confirming it!!?” Deb raged. The anger she felt over the entire sequence of events that spiraled out of control was bubbling close to the surface. She had cried her tears with Jen while they waited, not so patiently at the hospital, for news about Justin. Now she was just plain mad! “Deb please, you have to calm down. I can only imagine that the young nurse is beating herself up enough as it is. I’m certain it was not her intention to give the wrong information.” Vic replied, while soothingly rubbing his hands up and down Deb’s arms. “I know, I just needed someone to be mad at.” Debbie answered him with a small smile. “Well I can provide you with an outlet for that. Chris Hobbs is the one who should be the object of your anger. His hate and total disregard for human life, set all of this current turmoil into motion.” “I can’t believe that little bastard! We are going to do everything possible to make sure that little shit pays for what he did to Sunshine! I’ll get my PFLAG group, hell I’ll get all the PFLAG groups, and everyone I can think of…” “Deb, slow down. Go see Jen. Focus your energy on helping her right now. I don’t remember seeing Justin’s father at all. Which I’m sure is only compounding the torment she is dealing with. Besides, I just remembered another good reason to stay home. I’ll make sure Mikey’s well I guess, its Justin’s old room is ready for Molly.” Vic calmly reminded his sister. She was over zealous to a fault at times, and needed to be reminded of the immediate good she could do. “We will worry about getting the PFLAG brigade organized later. Once we know more.” Vic said with a look and tone of pride in his demeanor, that this formidable woman in front of him was his sister. He was so proud of her. “Alright Vic, I know I get carried away!” She said chuckling. “I’ll call after I get to the hospital and get the latest form Jen.” And she was off. ---~^~^~^~^~--- Vic busied himself changing the sheets on the bed in Justin’s room and clearing out a couple of drawers from the chest that still housed some of Mikey’s things. He wanted the youngest member of the Taylor family to feel as comfortable and welcome as possible, considering the reasons for her stay. He could only imagine how all this was affecting her. Just as he was placing Mikey’s things into a storage box the phone rang. “Hello.” “Vic?” “Yes. Lindsay?” “Yeah.” “Is everything alright?” “Do you know if anyone has heard from Brian yet?” Lindsay wondered if anyone else had been left a letter. “No, I don’t think so. I’m waiting to hear back from Michael, he was going to call with his flight information as soon as he got a flight home. I was hoping that he might come up with a possibility of where Brian might have gone.” Vic replied. “Vic, when Mel and I got home, there was a letter in our mailbox. It was from Brian.” She hesitated, still trying to absorb her fears that Brian had left for good. “Did he give any clue as to where he was?” Vic asked, not even considering that Brian would leave town. “Lindsay?” He asked when she didn’t respond. “Sorry.” She paused, trying to compose herself. “Vic, he’s left town.” She said with still a hint of disbelief in her voice. “Enclosed with the letter was a checkbook; it is a duel account that listed both Brian and myself. I’m still trying to comprehend the amount of money that he put into it. But he said that I should use it for anything Gus or I need. He said he had to get away, and not to let Gus think that he didn’t love him.” Her voice was beginning to crack. “Vic, I’m scared. I don’t know what he’ll do. I can’t imagine a time when Brian was so distraught that he would run.” She was crying at this point, and Vic was still trying to get his brain around the fact that Brian had run away. “Lindsay, let’s try to really think about this. Brian’s whole life is here. What about his job?” Vic was trying desperately to reel in Lindsay’s fears all the while pushing thoughts that he didn’t want to contemplate out of his own mind. “I don’t know Vic. He left Gus and me the means to carry on without him for a long time. I have to believe that if he was willing to leave his son, his job wouldn’t be more difficult to abandon. Vic, even Mel is worried!” “Okay Linds, we can’t do anything right now. Deb just left to go see Jen, and I’m not too sure we should share this information with either of them just yet. I’ll let Mikey know when he calls, maybe he’ll be able to come up with something.” As Lindsay was going to respond, the call waiting on Vic’s phone clicked. “Lindsay that’s the other line, maybe it’s Michael. I’ll call you back!” “Okay Vic, I’ll be here.” Lindsay hung up the phone, and Vic clicked the ‘flash’ button on the phone to take the other call. “Hello.” “Hey, Uncle Vic. I’ve got my flight info.” “Okay, let me grab something to write with.” Grabbing a pen, “Go ahead.” “I’ll be coming in on United flight 1102 arriving in the Pitts at 1:40 pm tomorrow afternoon. It was the best I could do.” Michael said. “That’s fine Michael. Someone will be there to pick you up, probably one of the boys. Your mom may be at the hospital with Jennifer, and I’ll have to be at the house with Molly.” Vic told his nephew. “Why is Molly staying with you?” Mikey asked. “Jennifer needs to stay with Justin, and their isn’t anyone else for her to stay with.” Vic answered, a little annoyed. “What about her father?” “Mikey, Jennifer asked us if Molly could stay with us, and there was no question that is was fine that she did. If Molly could have stayed with her father I’m sure Jen wouldn’t have asked. Jen and Craig’s separation has not been going well. There must be reasons, but they are inconsequential. We want to help!” “Okay Uncle Vic, no need to get testy!” Mikey didn’t understand why his uncle was getting so defensive with him. “How’s Brian doing?” “Good God Michael, did you not pay any attention to your mother when she called you earlier? Brian is no where to be found! And actually, I think he has run into a self-sentenced exile!” Vic was really beginning to get angry with his nephew. “I’m sure he’ll turn up soon. Brian always has to lick his wounds in private. He’s probably at the baths or hold up at the loft getting plastered.” Michael was so certain that he was the only one who knew Brian and how he would react. It was how he always dealt with anything painful. Not that Michael understood why he would be so traumatized. His mother had just said that Justin had gotten beat up…it couldn’t be that bad. Vic was quickly loosing his patience with Michael and had to decide if he wanted to get into an argument over the phone or take out his frustrations on Michael face to face when he arrived. Opting for the latter, Vic spoke. “Listen Michael, I’ll make sure someone is there to pick you up tomorrow. I’ve got to finish getting things done here. Do you want me to have your mother call you when she gets back from the hospital?” “No that’s okay, I’ll just talk to her tomorrow when I arrive. See you tomorrow.” “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Vic hung up the phone. Seething, Vic walked down the stairs and dumped the box with Mikey’s things in the basement with no concern as to where they landed. “He didn’t even ask how Justin was!” Vic mumbled to himself. Vic knew that Michael and Brian’s friendship was far from healthy, and that there would never be a time when Michael wouldn’t think of Brian first. However, he couldn’t believe that his nephew could be so unfeeling. The more that Vic thought about it, he wasn’t just angry at Mikey’s apparent disregard for Justin, but his description of Brian had blown him away. Vic took a few deep breaths and sat down at the kitchen table. Picking at the small pills on the woven place mats, Vic tried to calm his mind. He knew that he needed to call Lindsay back, but he needed to think first. After 15 years of friendship, could Michael really know so little about his best friend. The way he reacted to Vic’s announcement of Brian being AWOL, really surprised him. He thought Mikey would have more compassion for his friend. Despite Michael’s, and for that matter Brian’s, delusions about the relationship that Brian had with Justin, Vic believed that Michael knew that Brian at the very least cared for the teen and wouldn’t want to see him hurt. After all, Brian was the sworn protector of the group. He never shirked his responsibility of helping or defending anyone in their close-knit family. As the “father figure”, Vic knew that that was an unfair burden to place on Brian’s shoulders, but Brian seemed to need the burden. He needed to show his love through actions, words just weren’t good enough. Unless they came in the form of biting sarcasm and in-your-face truth, Brian had very little use for sentimental prattle. He could keep his vulnerability hidden deep within himself that way, defend himself from attack. Demonstrations of concern, care and love had to be tangible for the recipient and himself, something that would remain after words would fade. Vic thought that Brian’s motivation for this stemmed from the fact that the only reminders that Brian had from those who were supposed to love him were scars and the ghosts of the words that were supposed to make them go away. Unfortunately, Vic knew that Brian’s family and friends only perpetuated these feelings by constantly praising him for the material items that Brian had attained and constantly going to him when they needed money. It was a wonder Brian had any self worth at all. Yes, Brian had more self confidence than any 20 men combined. He was successful in his job, he had a home that dazzled many, and well let’s face it, the man was breathtaking. But, it was all artifice, a ruse Brian had fashioned for himself at a very early age, his own coat of armor wielded to the finest detail. Vic had to wonder though, what about the man behind the ruse? Underneath the armor? They had all bought so much stock in the Kinney façade, why would Brian trade on a sure bet? A sad look passed across Vic’s features as he realized that Michael was the primary stock holder. Tomorrow was going to be a rude awakening for Michael. Learning that Brian had actually left Pittsburgh, left everything and everyone behind, with not trace of his whereabouts, was definitely going to send him into a tailspin. It went against everything that Mikey felt he knew about Brian, and Vic wasn’t certain he knew how his nephew would deal with that. Glancing up at the clock, he decided he better call Lindsay back and then finish up Justin’s room for Molly. He would deal with Michael when he got home tomorrow. ---~^~^~^~^~--- Justin’s Hospital Room Jennifer sat in the cushioned chair that the nurses had brought to her, knowing that she wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. Her hands still entwined with Justin’s, she tried to think of what to say. The nurse said to talk to him, but what could she talk about. Her mind was a deluge of images and memories, all of which she knew would bring sobs to her body if she voiced them. Finally, she just began to speak. “Hi sweetheart, I’m here. I won’t leave you. You’re not alone. You’re scaring me and everyone something terrible Justin. Please, wake up sweetie. I need to see those baby blues of yours, please.” She paused hoping that her plea would be answered, but there was no response. Sighing she continued. “I guess you still need some more time, but don’t worry I’ll wait it out. You get some of your stubbornness from me you know. I’m used to talking at you until you get your butt out of bed.” She had to chuckle at herself, she did have to coax Justin out of bed. By the time Justin started 3rd grade she had taken to going in to wake him up almost 20 minutes before he really needed to be up because it would take that long to separate him from the warmth of the sheets. “Molly is going to stay with Vic and Debbie for the next couple of days. I know you think I should go home to be with her, but I can’t leave you. I figured they took in one of my kids, so I knew I could trust them with Molly. She’s actually excited; she’s growing up so fast. It’s hard thinking that your children don’t need you any more. Maybe that’s why I’m doing this. You haven’t needed me for such a long time, and now you do. Couldn’t you have picked something a little less dramatic though? God, Justin why did this happen?” Jennifer felt the stinging sensation of tears behind her eyes and stopped for a moment to compose herself. She decided that hysterics would not be a good thing. “You have to come out of this know. I mean, who will baby-sit Gus when Lindsay and Mel have some event they need to go to. Vic will surely be missing he early morning coffee chats with you. I bet you didn’t know that I knew about those. Vic told me once that they really started off his day on the right foot. And you can’t deprive Emmett of his favorite dance partner. He told me just Friday night before…” catching her breath, “before you left to get Daphne that she was a lucky girl, because you were the best dancer he knew, well except himself of course.” She smiled at the memory of Emmett introducing Justin as he walked down the stairs looking stunning in his tuxedo. “I’m sure everyone at the diner misses you. Deb always that says your sections are never empty, because everyone loves you so much. We all love you so much Justin, you have to wake up and come back to us.” Jennifer felt drained. She knew she was rambling, but she couldn’t grasp any one thing to hold onto. If Justin didn’t wake up soon she didn’t know what she would do. Maybe she would bring in Robinson Crusoe and read that to him. It was the first lengthy book that she had read to him when he was a small boy. He loved it. He liked the adventure behind it, the self discovery, and Friday of course. The character made him laugh. She remembered one time when he was mad with her and he threatened to run away to his own island and build his own canoe so he could escape when she tried to find him. She couldn’t remember what it was he was upset with her about, but that night when she went into say goodnight to him, she found him on his bed, knees bent toward his chest, the book resting next to him. He had looked up at her sheepishly and quietly said, “Mommy, will you read to me.” Looking at him now, she would do anything to go back to that moment. She silently let a stray tear track down her face as she bent down to kiss Justin’s hand, and then laid her head on the side of the bed. As she silently rested her eyes, her mind began to drift to thoughts of Brian. She still couldn’t fathom that he had gone to the prom. She had known that Justin had asked him and that he had without a question refused, so why did he show up? She just couldn’t allow herself to believe that Brian did it for Justin, no he had to have some ulterior motive. Brian never did anything unless it centered around him. Maybe that was what it was, an attention getter, putting himself in the spotlight, causing a scene. Everything around Brian was grand and spectacular. Suddenly an image came unbidden into her mind, a tear streaked face, dejectedly slumped shoulders, eyes so empty you could see straight through them, smears of red along the delicate neck, and a bloodstained scarf that only slightly held more blood than what appeared on his sensual lips. The picture of Brian that her mind conjured was not the Brian that she knew. This was a broken man, who appeared to have absolutely nothing, completely lost, all because of the unknown reality facing a young man fighting for his life behind glass doors. A young man he thought was now dead. A chill once again traveled up her spine as the realization of how true that could have been confronted her. Still recalling Dr. Hamilton’s words, “immediate care…contributed greatly to saving Justin’s life,” came rushing back to her ears. Brian did care. His desolate appearance when she first arrived at the hospital had confirmed that to her, even though she could only think to lash out at him. A wave of resentment washed over her, why wasn’t he here now? How could he abandon Justin now? Justin would undoubtedly need Brian when he woke up, no matter how much she didn’t want it to be so. “Why aren’t you here Brian?” she voiced her last thought with controlled anger and anguish. “Jen?” Startled by the sudden voice Jen turned nearly sliding out of the chair. “Debbie, you startled me.” She spoke with her hand clasped to her chest. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Debbie replied walking over to stand next to her. Placing a comforting hand on her shoulder she asked, “How are you holding up? Have you slept at all?” Reassuringly patting Debbie’s hand, Jen looked up, “I’m doing okay. I’ve dozed off here and there, but with the nurses coming in every fifteen to twenty minutes I haven’t really slept. In all honesty though, I don’t think I could right now. I need to be here if he wakes up. I can’t let him wake up alone and confused.” “You have to get some rest. You won’t do Justin any good if you run yourself down.” Deb replied reasonably. There where a few minutes of silence as Deb took in Justin’s appearance. “Have there been any changes?” “Not really. Dr. Hamilton came by about an hour ago I guess, and said he was pleased that Justin seemed to be stabilizing. He wanted to watch his blood pressure closely, but the nurse told me that it has been pretty stable and within normal limits for the past couple of hours, which is promising.” Jen answered. “I knew Justin was a fighter. He’ll come back to us I just know it.” She squeezed Jen’s shoulder to reinforce her statement. “Jen I’m going to go call Vic and let him know I made it here and let him know about Justin. He stayed home to get Justin’s room ready for Molly.” Deb told her from the door. “Thank you again for allowing her to stay. I called the Robinson’s while they were placing Justin in the room. I told Molly that she was going to stay with them tonight, but that she would be staying with you and Vic starting tomorrow. She was actually excited. I think she misses Justin more than she lets on. They always bickered with each other, but Justin always tried to include her when he could. It made her feel important. When he moved out, there were times when I would catch her walking by his door and placing a hand up to knock, and then remembering that he wasn’t there. I hope that they will always have a strong relationship, like you and Vic have. That is why I asked you to take her, I’m too afraid that Craig will try to taint her impression and feelings for Justin. His feelings are so obvious.” Jennifer finished with strong bitterness in her voice. “Have you been able to contact him at all?” “I left eight messages at the apartment he is staying at over the last thirty-six hours. I even called his secretary to see if she knew how to reach him, thinking maybe he was out of town on business, but she said that he wasn’t.” “I’ll be right back. It will just take me a minute to call Vic.” Debbie turned to leave in search of a phone, glancing back to see that Jen had returned to her silent vigil at Justin’s side. ---~^~^~^~--- Returning to the room, Deb pulled up a chair, and placed a warm cup of a tea in Jennifer’s hand and set a muffin on the bedside table. “If I can’t get you to sleep, I’m at least going to feed you.” Debbie said to her in that all knowing motherly tone. Jen couldn’t help but laugh, but there were a few sobs in there too. “Justin always said that when he was frustrated or upset, you would sit him down and feed him. Am I going to get the finger shaking and lecture too?” Jen turned to Deb and laughed again at the ruffled look on Deb’s face. She looked like she had just swallowed something distasteful and wanted to spit it out, but couldn’t. Soon Deb joined in the laughter realizing that she did tend to just what Jen had implied. The laughter had eased some of the tension and calmed both of the mothers quite a bit. Deb wondered if she should bring up the subject of Brian. She had heard Jen’s questioning plea just before she entered the room earlier. She was just as frustrated about Brian’s disappearance as Jen surely was. Deb however was enlightened a bit more about Brian’s coping mechanisms than Jen was, as well as the reasons behind them. She didn’t want to allow Jen’s frustration to fester and build into anger. When they found Brian and told him the truth, she knew that Jen and Brian needed to work together to get Justin through everything he was bound to have to deal with. “Jen, about Brian…” Deb began. “Deb I can’t think about Brian right now. Justin is my only priority.” Jen responded. “I know where you concerns lay right now Jennifer, and I am just as concerned about Justin’s well-being as you are. But, I have to consider Brian as well. I have basically been his mother since he was fourteen, and I can only imagine how this is affecting him. My God Jen, he thinks Justin died. It has to be tearing him up!” Deb said trying her best to control all the various emotions she was feeling. “Then where is he? Why isn’t he here? How could he just leave us all here to grieve on our own? Christ Deb, I don’t even know why he went to the prom. Justin said he wasn’t going to come, that he turned him down.” Jen asked, beginning to let her anger get the better of her. “Jen you have to try to understand. Brian doesn’t cope well at all with anything that remotely requires him to be emotional. He learned at a very early age that emotion only you got you beaten and hurt. So consequently, he hides behind false bravado and very thick walls that are almost impenetrable. But your son was able to find the weak mortar between those walls, and chiseled away at it until it started to crumble. I think Brian showing up at the prom was his way of showing Justin that he cared and maybe even more.” Deb began to explain. “If he cared so much why isn’t he here?” Jen pleaded to be given some answer that made sense, overlooking the obvious. Deb knew that Jennifer was having a real hard time connecting the idea of death with Justin, so she was fighting tooth and nail to not allow that as an excuse for Brian. She needed to find a way to get through to her. Hoping if she rephrased the idea of death it would help. Taking a deep breath before continuing; “Honey, Brian thinks Justin was taken away from him. He is connecting his ideas of consequences for showing emotion with what happened to Justin. Going to that dance tonight, he was opening himself up more to Justin than he ever has to anyone, and by doing that Justin was beaten and hurt.” Deb continued, stressing the same words that she had used to describe Brian’s ideas on emotion. “His reaction of running and hiding is actually not an unexpected on. He probably feels the need to reinforce his walls. He is not doing this to intentionally hurt you or Justin or any of us. He’s doing it to protect himself; it is a well practiced mechanism for him.” “If he had just protected Justin to begin with, he wouldn’t have to be protecting himself now!” Jen refuted, her anger was coming on in waves now. Her mind was the moon and her heart the sun, arguing over the tides. Her heart just couldn’t believe that Deb was using the excuse of Brian thinking Justin was taken away from him, when Brian had taken her son away from her. But her mind was telling her that Deb was right. Even though Justin’s condition was still precarious, Jen knew that he was alive and that the doctors had a very positive outlook. Brian on the other hand had no such hope to cling to. Deb, finally allowing her own anger to surface a little, and her motherly protectiveness to come out stated fiercely to Jen, “That is NOT fair! Brian did not have any control over the actions of that hateful boy who attacked Justin. Would you have rather Brian not been there and been able to get help? Because I can tell you, hate like that boy demonstrated is not provoked by a single incident; it builds over time, by being taught intolerance.” Deb’s loud voice gained the attention of the ICU nurse who entered the room. “Is everything okay, Mrs. Taylor?” she asked. “Yes, everything’s fine. I’m sorry for the disturbance.” Jen answered her in a defeated tone. “Jennifer.” Deb said in a much softer tone and reached out to touch her hand. Jen looked up at the contact and greeted Deb with watery blue eyes very much like Justin’s. “I’m sorry I yelled. It is not helping any. We are all under a great amount of stress and uncertainty. I know you need some way or someone to focus your anger on, but please don’t direct it at Brian. He’s hurting too.” Deb’s shaky voice replied while a single tear tracked down her face. The two women hugged each other to share in the heartache they were both feeling. Jen pulled away first. “Deb, I’m sorry too. I know in my mind that Brian is not to blame, but as you said I need someone to direct my anger at, and Brian has been the primary recipient of that anger where Justin is concerned.” “Well, Vic told me earlier this evening when I was about ready to hunt that nurse down for misinforming Brian in the first place, that we need to focus our anger on Chris Hobbs. He is the reason this has all happened. His hate and lack of any compassion for human life has put Justin here.” “I still don’t know why he did it. I know that Justin was having some problems with the students and even some teachers at school. I even went and tried to get them to allow Justin and Daphne to start the Gay and Straight Student Alliance, remember?” “Yes, honey, I remember. I was so proud of you.” Deb said smiling at her. Jen smiled back with a slight blush in her cheeks. “You know, Justin told me once, that part of the reason he clung to Brian was because he felt that Brian’s own friends and family didn’t really know him. That Brian showed him sides of himself that he would never share with the other’s for the fear of their disbelieving and snide remarks. And as ashamed as I am to admit it, he’s right. Many of us do expect the worst of Brian, and rather than disappoint us he gives us what we expect. So when I asked him how he figured this out and how he put up with all of it, you know what he told me?” “No, what?” “He said that you had raised him to be tolerant and accepting of other people’s differences, and that you had instilled in him an intelligence that went beyond anything he could learn in books. He said that his kind and gentle heart was all yours and your stubbornness too.” Deb and Jen both chuckled at that, Jen remembering how she had told Justin she was just as stubborn as he was only a short time ago. “Justin thought Brian was willing to open up to him because he challenged Brian and didn’t idly accept the gospel according to Kinney.” Deb and Jen both laughed again, it was such a Justin thing to say. “I know you think that Brian has a lot influence over Justin, and I’m not denying that, but you need to be aware that Justin has just as much, if not more, influence over Brian. Justin has brought out things in Brian I never thought I would see. He took Justin into his loft, twice. He went after him when he foolishly ran away to New York City, and did you know that Brian was the one who convinced him to follow his dream of PIFA?” Deb asked. “No I didn’t. I just thought that he was doing it to piss off his father. I had been slightly disappointed thinking that was his reason. Justin has always been gifted in art and I knew he wanted to pursue it, but I always just assumed he would go to Dartmouth and maybe keep up his art on the side. It was selfish of me to think he could push his dreams away so easily.” “Things haven’t been easy for you either, Jen. It wasn’t selfish; it was just something that you didn’t think you needed to worry about. I remember when I found one of Justin’s sketchbooks in the trash one day. He said there wasn’t any need for it. When I confronted him and he told me he had decided to go to Dartmouth to make Craig and you happy, I couldn’t believe it. He was so certain that if he did that, that things would be better between the two of you. He said that he had already caused you enough pain.” Jen was silently crying realizing her son almost gave up his dream to try to reconcile his parents, a reconciliation that would not have happened even if he had. “I didn’t think that I got through to him, so I mentioned it to Michael, because I knew he would say something to Brian. Despite Brian’s very obvious claim to being self-centered, he hates waste. I knew if he thought Justin was going to waste his talent and sacrifice his dream that he would do everything in his power to keep it from happening. And he did.” “I didn’t realize how much Brian did for Justin. I mean I knew that he let him stay with him, but I never considered that he gave much thought about Justin, outside of the ‘pleasure’ he received from him.” Jen replied somewhat ashamed of her perceptions of Brian. She was getting a big education this evening. Maybe she needed to reevaluate her opinions of Mr. Kinney. “Jen don’t beat yourself up too much. You saw what Brian wanted you to see.” “Yes, but Justin tried to tell me and I wouldn’t listen to him. I just thought he was a love sick teenager and that he would get hurt.” “There is nothing uncommon about that. You are his mother. It is your right to have those feelings. What you do, once you realize those feelings weren’t always correct is what’s important. Once we find Brian you need to let him know that you won’t try to force him out of Justin’s life. He will need a great amount of reassurance from you. If I know Brian at all, he is laying the blame for this on himself, even more so than you. It will take all of us to convince him that it was not his fault. We need to consider that he saw this happen, and it will always haunt him, just as it will Justin.” Jen looked at Deb with a new understanding and then turned her gaze to her son. Justin’s face was tense and he seemed to be trying to clench his fists. Jennifer wondered what was happening. Were the haunting memories that Deb spoke of already plaguing him? She began to consider the fact that Justin may not remember anything when he woke up, but that in a dream sate his mind would recollect it all for him in vivid detail. Her last thought was of Brian, “What are your dreams going to be like?”