Brian pulled into the motel parking lot. He had been driving for hours, skirting the banks of Lake Michigan. When he began to see the lights of the Chicago skyline in the distance he realized he needed to stop, at least for the night. Walking into the lobby, he couldn’t help but think, “This isn’t the normal lap of luxury I would usually demand to stay at.” “Good evening, may I help you,” the young clerk working the desk asked. “Yes, I need a single room for the night.” “Your name please.” “Brian Kinney” “And how will you be paying this evening?” “With cash.” The pretty blonde girl finished entering the information and looked back at Brian. “You’ll be in room 17, just down the hall and to the left. Enjoy your stay.” Brian retrieved the room key, and went back out to his bike to get his duffel bag. When he got to the room, he stopped and stared at the room number, a memory overtaking his mind. --~^~-- “How old are you anyway?” “21.” “What year were you born in?” “1979,” Justin replied after doing a quick calculation in his head. “Bullshit, you had to think before you answered that, how old are you really?” “20,” Justin said, saying like okay, maybe he’ll believe I added one year. Walking to the area between the next two panels, Justin realizes he’s not buying it. “19,” Now seeing a cocked eyebrow and a knowing look, like ‘try again’. “18.” “Well what is this a missile launch?” Finally giving in, “17.” --~^~-- Brian opened that door, threw his bag on the bed, and let the door slam behind him. He went into the bathroom, took a piss, and splashed some water on his face. As he stared into the mirror he couldn’t help but not recognize his own reflection. This wasn’t the same “I-don’t-give-a-shit” Brian Kinney, the man who could face anything, the man who would tolerate everyone’s snide remarks and harsh comments, because the only opinion that mattered was his own. Now he just looked lost, with no one to turn to. He walked back out to the main room, pulled the pillows out from under the bedspread and placed them against the wall mounted head board. He collapsed against them and started to think. What was he going to do now? He had abandoned all ties in Pittsburgh, left his job, his son, and his family. Why? Because the one person who mattered the most, the one person that he wanted to share these things with was gone. He still couldn’t believe it. He longed to know why, or what he had done to deserve this type of pain. What had Justin done to deserve to have his life cut so short? He had so much to give this world and now it was lost. Why was it that just because Justin chose to love him, he had to die? The mere thought made Brian angry! Not just at the world for creating those bigoted and intolerant views, but mad at Justin. Why did he have to love me? Why did he let Deb and him mother convince him to go to the stupid prom in the first place? Why did he go? The last question was reeling in his mind. “Why did I go?” Brian said out loud to himself. Brian closed his eyes and raked his hands over his face. His arms falling above his head he thought again, “Why did I go? Did I go just to prove that I could? That I could walk in to that ballroom and own it just like I did everywhere else? Did I go to make up for a time that I regret? No. No regrets. Just unfulfilled knowledge.” “Yeah, keep telling yourself that Kinney,” he voiced. He knew in his heart why he went, but it didn’t stop him from closing his eyes once again and thinking back… --~^~^~^~^~^~^----------------------------------- Pittsburgh 1989 Brian pulled up in front of the Novotny house. He couldn’t believe that Mikey had convinced him to go to the prom. Well he wasn’t actually going to the prom per se, they were just going to get some alcohol, get a room, and get drunk. At least that was his plan. He laid on the horn and waited for his friend. Within seconds Michael came running down the walkway dressed in a really bad tux. Brian just shook his head. Only Mikey. “Hey Bri, you look great!” Mikey said enthusiastically. “Mikey, this is the suit I had to wear to my damn great aunt’s funeral last spring.” “Well it looks nice.” “Whatever.” Brian put the car into gear and took off. Driving to an old area of downtown Pittsburgh, Brian pulled up in front of a liquor store. The front windows had bars on them, and the door had so much graffiti that you could barely tell the color of the original paint. Brian looked to Mikey as if to say ‘well’ and Mikey released his seatbelt and began to exit the car. Coming around the front of the beat up heap, Brian pushed Mikey toward the door. Entering the establishment Mikey turned to Brian. “Are you sure about this? Won’t they card you?” “Relax Mikey, I’ve been here before, on errands for dear old dad. They won’t question me.” As Brian went to get the alcohol, Mikey stood at the front of the store engrossed in a comic book rack that he immediately found. Brian went directly to the aisle that housed the Jim Beam. He knew that one well. Securing the bottle, he went in search of some champagne. “What the hell, you only had one prom!” Brian thought sarcastically. Grabbing some pretzels and cigarettes he was ready to go. “Hey Mic, how’s it going?” Brian asked. “Not bad, Brian. Picking up some stuff for the old man?” “You know it.” “What are you so dressed up for?” “Prom night,” Brian replied. “Oh, that would explain the champagne.” “Yeah and the pretzels.” Brian smirked at Mic. He really liked this old guy. He never gave him any shit. “Well here you go.” “Thanks Mic, see ya ‘round. Come on Mikey, you can drool over the comics tomorrow at Buzzy’s.” Dragging Mikey away from the comic book rack, they headed back out to the car. Pulling away from the curb, Brian pointed the car in the direction of the Holiday Inn and sped away. --~^~-- Brian pulled into the gradually filling parking lot at the downtown Holiday Inn. Securing a parking space he turned off the ignition and turned to his best friend. Mikey was grinning from ear to ear. Brian feared he was reading too much into this little “get together” of theirs. He had begun to get signals from Michael not long after they had become friends. He knew he could never be with his best friend in that way, it would ruin everything. He thrived on the attention that was bestowed upon him without thought by his friend, but couldn’t or rather wouldn’t take it any further. He knew that he shouldn’t lead Mikey on, but he needed him to stay close. He feared losing him. “Well Mikey we’re here. You wait here while I go get the room.” Brian said, while watching the excitement overtake his friend’s eyes. “Okay,” Mikey replied. Entering the building Brian saw that the “extravaganza” that was their prom had even seeped into lobby area. Students were all laughing and hanging on each other, taking pictures of friends in their regalia, as if they wouldn’t see them again on Monday. “My God these people act as if they are going to disappear at the stroke of midnight,” Brian thought. “Hello, we still have 2 weeks of school left.” Brian just shook his head and approached the counter. “Hello, may I help you?” a young woman asked. “Yes, I’d like to get a room please,” Brian said with the utmost confidence. He didn’t want anyone to question him. He wanted a room, no questions asked! “How many nights will you be staying sir?” “Just tonight thank you,” Brian replied in a businesslike tone. “I could get used to this, being catered to, demanding people’s respect.” “And how will you be paying?” “With cash.” “That will be $39.97 for the night,” she told him. Brian pulled out the forty dollars that he and Mikey had saved and handed it to her. “You will be in room 710. The elevators are just around the corner. Enjoy your stay.” “Thank you,” Brian tossed over his shoulder. Brian returned to the car, collected Mikey and headed to their room. --~^~-- It had been a couple of hours since he and Mikey had gotten to the room. They had finished off the bottle of champagne within the first hour, and were slightly buzzed from the pot that Brian had scored from a ‘friend’. He had already had a couple of shots of Beam. Mikey had only had one shot and was fading fast. He never could hold his liquor. Upon returning from the bathroom he found his friend out could on the bed. Tripping over the pizza boxes Brian made his way to the door. Checking to be certain he had the room key he headed downstairs. He wasn’t sure why he was going down there; it just seemed to be the direction his feet were moving. He stopped at the doorway to the ballroom. Just stood there. A couple walked past him and sneered at him. Brian just flipped them off and turned to leave. As the couple opened the door, he heard the strains of the music and the laughing from all those who were deemed worthy to be there. He turned back around and went back to the door. Reaching out for it he once again hesitated. What good would it do to go in? He wasn’t concerned with the revelry going on inside. He rarely associated with these people. He had friends just not any that would care about being here. “What the fuck Kinney, get a hold of yourself.” Brian spoke in an undertone. As he turned to head back to the room, he made a promise to himself that he would never feel unworthy of entering a room ever again. ---~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~--------------------------------- Returning from his jaunt down memory lane, Brian knew he needed to get out of this room. It was making him think too much, something he didn’t want to do. He remembered seeing a bar across the street and decided it had to be better than staring at the hideous walls in his room. Grabbing his keys, wallet, cigarettes, and the room key off the nightstand, he headed out. Crossing the street Brian saw the neon sign of “Jack’s Pub” flickering in and out. “Well isn’t this just poetic justice,” Brian chuckled to himself. He took the stairs leading to the bar two at a time and went inside. It was like most dives, dark, smoky, and a bar tender who looked like he had heard one too many stories. He distanced himself at the end of the bar, ordered a double Beam, and took to observing the others in the establishment. Brian’s eyes were first drawn to the loud group close to the pool table. They appeared to be regulars and were determined to let everyone know it. They were young, probably in their early twenties. The three young women were dressed as if they had just gotten off of Christina Aguilera’s latest tour, and the two men looked like they just spent the last hour drooling outside the tour bus. They were of no consequence to him, he moved on. At a table in the middle of the bar were two men sitting together. They were probably Brian’s age, both dressed in business attire, but lacking the crisp, fresh look of morning, their ties hanging loosely around their necks, shirt sleeves rolled up, and jackets draped haphazardly on the backs of their chairs. They appeared to be commiserating with each other about something, probably avoiding going home to their wives and kids. However, the person that really caught his attention was a slightly older man slumped in a booth just behind him. He was slightly overweight, but not fat. Graying hair, that was cut short. He had a tired look on his brow, and looked to be on his way to a wonderful hangover. “Ironic,” Brian thought to himself, “That could have been my old man.” Brian took another swallow of his drink as let his mind wander. “I wonder if he has kids at home. Does he belittle them at every chance? Did he hit them in a drunken rage and still show no remorse for it later? Is that tired look on his brow from putting up with the things he never wanted? Or is it from realizing that he’s stuck in his mediocre life and will never get out of it?” Brian was interrupted from his musings as he heard the man begin to shout. “Get the fuck out of here Mary, go home!” the gravely voice of the man spouted. Brian finally noticed that a woman, all of about five feet tall, hair pinned up, in a simple blue dress had entered the bar. His wife. Brian mused if there had been any times when his mother had to go and get Jack. He didn’t remember any, but after a while he started to shut out everything that his parents did. “Bill, please come home,” the woman pleaded in a soft voice. “I said Get. The. Fuck. Out!” the man again yelled, stumbling slightly with his rage. “I’ll come home when I’m good and ready.” “Bill…” the woman’s plea was cut short by a glaring stare from her husband. “And be sure that good for nothing son of mine has all his shit picked up and out of my way! Or he will be sorry!” Brian flinched. He glanced over at the woman and felt a keen sense of sadness wash over him. He had been nothing to his father too. His malaise even extended to that of his mother. He wondered if she had tried early on to get Jack to come home? Did she hope to make their house a home, not just a place to exist and hope to escape from one day? Had all of his father’s harsh words and treatment just warn her down so much that she escaped into her religion as her own form of pain management? But then he thought back to all the times when she could have intervened and didn’t. If not during the moment of Jack’s tirade at him, but later -- after – did she offer some comfort? No. She just retreated into herself and left him there to flounder on his own. A mother wasn’t supposed to do that. A mother was supposed to lover her child and protect them. Like Jennifer did for Justin – or tried to. ---~^~^~^~--- As he figured it was with most parents, the initial response was to deny what they inevitably knew was true, that their child was gay. Hence the nightmare visit to the shrink where Justin had had his “I like dick” oration. He still chuckled remembering Justin regaling him with that story. Jennifer had surprised him though, he was certain that she would let her WASP upbringing rule her treatment of Justin. Openly love him in the privacy of their home, while in public sweeping him under the carpet, no need to air one’s ‘dirty’ laundry. However, rather than shunning him in public, she actively sought him out. Deb had told him how she came to the diner to see if Deb knew how she could find him and not how to loose him. It was obvious that she hounded Daphne to gain any knowledge of her son, God she came to Woody’s to find him! She had shown up at the GLC art show to support his outstanding talent, which Justin always gave her credit for fostering in him. The beginnings of his true respect for her came in the form of confrontation. Although at the time he hadn’t realized it. No, his reaction to the whole mess was quite the opposite… ---~^~^~^~--- Ryder Agency, Brian’s Office Brian had had a relatively quiet morning. His typical morning meeting with Ryder out of the way he was sitting at his desk fiddling with some green thing, when his office door burst open. “Hi, I’m Jennifer Taylor, Justin’s mother.” The blond woman said as she confidently strode towards him and dumped a bag onto his desk. Brian stared at her dumbfounded as she began to speak. “Okay, clothes, sketch pad, shoes, underwear, Oh, he copy of “Yellow Submarine” it’s his favorite. Did you know he wanted to be a computer animator?” “Well, no…” Brian barely got out. “No you wouldn’t,” she replied curtly, she was forgetting something. “The check.” Brian picked up the check she put on his desk, wondering what the fuck was going on. “What’s this for?” “Well Justin eats like a football player, and goes through clothes faster than I can buy them for him,” Jennifer casually told him. Brian scoffs while shaking his head, “You think he’s staying with me?” “Where else?” Jennifer replied with a strong questioning tone. “Well I don’t know, but he’s not moving into my place,” he tells her with certainty while shoving the check back into her hand. “Well, he’s going to have to live somewhere, since he told me he’s never coming home again.” “Why do you care what he says? You’re his mother, come and get him!” Brian said to her with a condescending tone. “If I came and got him, he would just run away, and I might never see him again. Do you know what happens to runaway kids Mr. Kinney?” “They end up on milk cartons?” He sneers at her while leaning towards her. “OR WORSE! At least with you I know where he is.” She says as she begins to turn to leave the office of the man who has stolen her son. Leaning over his desk as if to knock the junk she has just given to him on the floor, he calls out to her, “He’s not my responsibility!” Making an abrupt about-face, Jennifer attacks with a fire in her eyes. “O YES HE IS!! You seduced him; you…FUCKED him, now he’s yours!!!” Pausing to compose herself, while Brian is still stunned into inaction, “Just kindly see he takes his allergy medicine, does his homework, and gets to school on time. And,” she pauses again, “…and tell him that we love him.” With that she was gone. ---~^~^~^~--- “…and tell him that we love him.” That was something he never heard from his parents. He wondered if he was mad at her for just dumping her kid in his lap, or if he was mad because despite her obvious dislike of him, she still loved her son. He had gong home, totally ripped Justin a new one, but still managed to utter his mother’s last words to him. He remembered the acid taste in his mouth when he told Justin, “oh, and by the way she sends her love.” He really hated that word, and the cynical side of him wanted to believe that the only reason she had said it was to keep up appearances, that she really didn’t mean it. Time and again she had proved him wrong. The family pow-wow that had taken place later that same week reinforced Brian’s knowledge that Jennifer did love Justin. She wanted him to come home. She truly wanted to keep her family intact. She had handled Craig well, until the very end. When he set those fucked up rules, Brian knew he had to do something. He had lived with enough hate in his life to realize that no matter what his feelings for Justin were, he didn’t deserve to be tethered and bound to a life that required him to deny who he was. The voice of the bar tender interrupted his thoughts and returned him to the present. “Do you want another?” Slightly startled by the man’s voice, he shook off the memories that clouded his head. He came here to keep himself from thinking not dive deeper into his psyche. “No. Here you go,” Brian laid a twenty on the bar and got up to leave. He noticed that the older man had returned to his booth, and that the woman was no longer in sight. “Hey, what happened to that lady who had come in?” Brian asked. “Oh, you mean Mary?” “Yeah.” “She headed home. It’s a typical occurrence. We’ll see that Bill gets home okay, he’ll sleep it off, and then tomorrow he’ll…” Brian cut him off, “Yeah, I know.” ---~^~^~^~--- Stepping out in to the crisp night air, Brian took a deep breath and exhaled. Well what was he going to do now? Going to the bar hadn’t helped cure his need to not think. He conceded to the fact that he would just have to go back to his room and try to sleep. He didn’t know how long he would be staying here, nor where he would go next, just that he was going to keep going. The farther away he was from Pittsburgh and all the shit he left behind the better. He walked back into the hotel lobby and began to make his way to his room. His stomach growled and he realized he hadn’t eaten in over a day. He didn’t want to go back out and it was certainly too late for room service, so it looked like he would be seeing what the vending machines had to offer. Walking into the alcove that housed the machines he groaned at the lack of choices, almost half the machine was empty. “Fuck, don’t they ever refill these fucking things?” he sighed and tried to determine which selection looked the lease stale and the least likely to kill him. If Justin was good for one thing it was always making sure he ate… Digging into his pocket, he pulled out some change, put the money into the machine, and chose the cheese and peanut butter crackers. He was about to go back into the hall, when he heard an argument beginning to ensue. “Christine, you are coming home with me right now!” “No Dad, I’m staying here with Daniel! He loves me and I love him!” she said with a heart full of certainty. “You don’t know what love is. You’re too young!” “I’m 17 years old, I’m not a child!” “Christ, Christine, he’s ten years older than you. What can you possibly have in common? Do you honestly think that he truly loves you? That this will last?” the man pleaded with his daughter. “He will only get tired of you. You haven’t even finished school yet. What about college?” “I’m still going to go to college, dad. I have no intentions of giving that up! Daniel knows that, and he supports me.” “Sure, he supports you now, but what about later?” “Nothing about ‘later’ is certain dad! We’ve made no firm promises for the future yet, all I know is that I LOVE HIM NOW!” “Well I certainly hope that he means it when he says he loves and supports you, because that is what he is going to have to do from now on. I can’t stand by and watch you give up your life for someone who I feel will only hurt you. Goodbye, Christine.” “Dad!...DAD!!!” ---~^~^~^~--- Brian watched as the shell shocked young woman turned and walked back into her room. “How easily parents seem to be willing to give up their children,” he thought to himself as he approached his door. He had for the most part accepted his fate, his early knowledge of his parents’ feelings for him made that a guarantee. He wondered why it was so easy? Gus may not have been in his plans for the future he had mapped out for himself, but he wouldn’t give that little boy back for anything. The simple touch of the infant’s small hand on his cheek the night he was born branded him for life. That small miracle was a part of him. He tried to imagine if there was anything that Gus could do or say that would make him turn his back on him, and he couldn’t. The perfect parent he was not, he knew that, but he would do his best by Gus. Stealing himself from his thoughts of his son, he thought of another father and son who were on the same path of destruction as the young woman and her father. Daphne told Brian of the constant yelling and arguing that Justin was enduring from his father up until the fateful night that Craig Taylor decided to put to his threats. Brian sat down on the edge of his bed, clutching tightly to his ribs in remembrance of a phantom pain that had vanished months ago… ---~^~^~^~--- They were coming out of Babylon; it had been a great evening of just hanging out with the boys. They were light-heartedly discussing the better aspects of military school, since Justin’s father had threatened to send him to one. For now all Brian cared about was that he had Justin with him, so he was assured pleasure for the night. Pointing out the less than stellar sub-compact car that he was driving, he even allowed the guys to get in a few digs. Making his intentions known by possessively pulling Justin to him by his shirt, he bid his friends good-night. Sexily toying with Justin, and in a barely whispered voice he asked, “Do you wanna come home with me?” Justin glowing with anticipation responded with a lustful, “Please!” Pushing Justin slightly away to get him to get into the car he turned to unlock the door. Then out of nowhere some bastard was sucker punching him and kicking him in the ribs. Feeling the man being pulled off of him, he looked up and saw Justin dragging the man away. The guys had come to his ‘rescue’, and Brian got his first look at Justin’s father. With stubborn resolution Justin and his father stood off. Wondering which one would be left standing. “That’s it Justin, that is it! You either come home with me right now or you never come home again.” Craig threatened. The shock of his father’s statement lingered for a moment when Justin replied, “Never again,” his anger building, “Did you hear me? I said NEVER AGAIN, GO! Get the Fuck out of here, GO! I’m never coming home again… NEVER, FUCKING, NEVER!!” Coming up to the ten, Brian pulled him so that he could look him in the eye. “Justin, Stop.” Brian had said, trying to calm him in his arms. ---~^~^~^~--- So much more happened that night before they returned to the loft. He still couldn’t believe that Debbie had collapsed from exhaustion. He remembered the uncertainty and lost look in Justin’s eyes that night. Brian knew he had been selfish in his initial concerns. “Well at least I still have my teeth, and no black eye.” Concern for his outward appearance always took top priority, and he knew Justin would praise him on it. “You look great. You always look great.” Justin was willing to leave, not knowing where he would go, but he didn’t want to infringe upon him. Brian chided him thinking he was crying, but Justin turned to him and said he wasn’t some scared little faggot, and he wasn’t. Regardless of the precarious situation he was now faced with, the innocent young man he had brought home had strength in his eyes that Brian had never witnessed. He may have felt uncertain, lost, and angry, but never scared or without hope. He had told Brian that he stood up to his father because he was hurting him. At that moment, Justin had no thought of the consequences to himself, just the fact that his lover was being hurt. When Justin had disobeyed him and crawled into bed beside him, he couldn’t kick him back out. He knew that Justin needed some form of comfort, and against his better judgment he silently consented to being that comfort. When he woke later that night from the throbbing in his ribs he watched Justin sleep. He contemplated the strength in the young man next to him. He honestly couldn’t believe that Justin had walked out on his family. For all his ranting to Mikey about needing to get out of his parents’ house, he knew he couldn’t have taken the leap that Justin did a few hours ago. His reaction to his father’s ultimatum was pure honest instinct to do what was best for him. Ironic, he demonstrated on of the cardinal rules Brian had for himself, you can only depend on yourself. Some innate presence within Justin told him to jump, and that he would make it. Brian always needed a plan, never be caught off guard. Craig and Justin’s relationship only got worse. As Craig was unyielding in his determination to make Justin see his reason, and to adhere to his rules. Justin made efforts to reconnect his family, and hoped for the eventual acceptance of his father. What a waste of a dream! Jennifer and Craig’s divorce only hammered in a wedge between father and son. One that would not be easily dislodged. Recollecting all his thoughts of the night, Brian came to the conclusion that the quest for his life, of living to the fullest, never concerning himself with emotions, and to hell with everyone else was the way to go. Everything that had resurfaced in his mind resulted in some disappointment. Whether it was to reaffirm his lack of importance to his family or to point out that love is truly just a word used by the bards to make pretty girls giggle. No, love was as useless as he knew it to be. Caring for someone only got you hurt in the end. Unfortunately he couldn’t get the small voice in the back of his mind to shut up, it kept asking… “Then what about Justin?”