Fractured Hearts ~Chapter 12~ By Misty A. Sax ~Seattle, Washington~ Brian stood like a statue while the echoes of “he is alive” reverberated through his head. “This isn’t possible. The nurse told me he died. There must be some mistake…” “Brian. Brian!” John startled his friend out of his coma-like state. “Brian, come sit down.” Brian allowed John to lead him to the sofa where he slowly lowered his body to the cushion. He made out keys being clicked on a keyboard and John trying to get him to respond. “John, I’ve got the article pulled up online.” Allison commented. Surviving Hate By Allison Darby My final article of the spring semester brought to light the disparaging fact that hate continues to run rampant in our society. No matter how far we have come, we are still centuries in the past. In 1991, the federal government began collecting statistics on Hate Crimes; crimes motivated in whole or in part by hatred or prejudice based on the actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origins, gender, disability, or sexual orientation or another group or individual. From Rosa Parks, to Martin Luther King, Jr. to Cesar Chaves to Perry Watkins, the Stonewall Riots, and “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”; we’ve seen hate at all levels and the devastation it leaves in its wake. Despite all the adversity there are those that overcome all the devastation. I attempted to contact some of the victim’s that I reported on in May, and was able to learn that Justin Taylor, Senior at Saint James Academy, though still fighting with the ramifications of his attack is attending therapy and progressing well. He will be attending Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts in the fall, and hopes to regain his dream of taking the art world by storm. I also learned that Neil Harris… That was all JD was able to read before Brian stood and exited the room. John followed his friend and stopped him just as he reached the staircase. “Brian, what are you going to do?” Brian stood looking at his friend, finally replying softly, “I don’t know.” Brian turned and began to walk up the stairs. He stopped again, and faced his friend once more. “John, I just need some time to think. I’m going to my room; I promise I won’t do anything stupid. I’ll see you in the morning.” “Okay, I’m here if you need me,” John replied. “I know. You don’t know how much that means to me. Good night.” Brian turned and continued to ascend the stairs. Brian turned the handle on the door to the guest room that was his current home, opened the door, stepped in, turned, shut the door behind him and walked over to the window that opened up to the expansion of the city below. It was not Seattle he was seeing. His eyes saw miles away, to a city he thought he may never be able to return to, a city which held the one person he thought he had lost. Justin was alive. He couldn’t wrap his conscious thoughts around that concept. He had spent all summer trying to come to terms with the fact that Justin was gone, and what he was going to do without him, and now… now what? Everything was completely capsized. He had been floating on driftwood and he now realized that he shouldn’t have abandoned ship. He couldn’t be sure if all of this was fate intervening, he didn’t believe in fate, but if he didn’t believe in it on some level, then why had Justin entered his life when he did? Why did all of this have to occur? Was it a test? Brian knew that if he continued to think like this he would go crazy. He couldn’t question what he could never find the answers too. He needed to focus on what he did know and what he was able to ascertain. First and foremost he knew he had changed. He was still Brian Kinney, but a Brian Kinney that his family would not recognize and may not accept. He had learned so much about himself, and began to recognize things about himself that he didn’t like, while allowing other sides of his personality to come through. He began to believe that no matter where Justin was that he would be proud of the man he was allowing himself to become. Now he was worried about whether or not Justin would forgive him for leaving. Did Justin even know why he left? Surely, Lindsay would have said something to him, or Debbie? How bad were Justin’s injuries? What type of therapy was he in? The article said he was attending PIFA, but are his injuries making that difficult? Did he have anyone supporting him, anyone pushing him to not give up? Not being able to create would be worse than death to Justin. How is he paying for school? Is his dad paying? What happened to Hobbs? “Shit! How could I have left without making sure that sorry excuse for a human being, paid for what he did? Is he free and clear because I wasn’t there to testify? I can’t believe I didn’t even think to try and find out if there even was a trial!” Brian was furious with himself. Then he began to wonder if Justin even remembered him? What would he do if he didn’t? Maybe Justin was better off without him? “No don’t think that way! Don’t retreat to your old safety zone. You need to get answers! You won’t get them this way.” Brian turned to look at the bed side clock, 12:30 am. It would be 3:30 am in Pittsburgh, he would have to wait until morning, but he had to call someone. Lindsay. He would call Lindsay. Having made his decision, Brian ventured to his bed, stripped, and collapsed. He fell asleep trying not to think about all the “what if’s.” --^~^--- ~Pittsburgh, 11:45 am~ Justin sat in his studio finishing up the chapters he needed to read for his classes next week. He basked in the warmth of the sun that filtered through the towering windows. Closing his book, he shut his eyes and thought about the days ahead. He was going over to Lindsay and Mel’s around 1:00 to watch Gus while they ran some errands and then went to the monthly meeting at the GLC. Justin treasured his time with Gus. The two would sit in the living room playing with Gus’ toys, Justin would watch as Gus made his masterpieces with the large crayons that Lindsay had gotten him. As Gus would draw, Justin would work on the sketching exercises that Marci had given him. Before Gus would lay down for his nap, Justin would spin him a tale of a wonderful man who loved Gus so much. Justin would bring his drawings of Brian and Gus together. He wanted to make sure that the little boy always knew his father, and would recognize him if Brian returned. Pulling himself out of his chair, Justin carried his books back inside and set them on the bench at the end of his bed. He stood staring at the deep green duvet that hugged the mattress on his bed. He had scattered gold and brown pillows across it attempting to imitate the look of Brian’s eyes. He wondered if he would ever see those eyes again. He just kept hoping that Brian would come home some day. It was September and Gus’ first birthday was tomorrow. Most of the errands that the girls were running had to do with the party they were planning for their son. Justin was doing his best to keep up appearances in light of it being Gus’ birthday, but he was starting to falter. He couldn’t believe that one year ago his life as he knew it had transformed so dramatically. He had met the most amazing man, who didn’t even realize how amazing he was. Brian portrayed the confident, self-assured asshole to perfection, but Justin saw so much more than that. He saw Brian time and again sacrifice his own happiness to guarantee the happiness of others. Justin saw first hand the harrowing emotions that Brian had struggled with when making his decision to sign over his parental rights to Mel. How he sacrificed his friendship with Michael to make Debbie happy, and supposedly by extension Michael. Justin quietly witnessed how Brian cared for the staff that worked for him at Ryder, giving them bonuses for a job well done. All of the family thought that Brian just pocketed all his money for himself, but Justin knew differently. Brian usually only kept about one-third of the bonus money he received. Justin also knew that Brian helped Vic and Debbie out if they hit a rough spot. Very few of the tight knit group realized how Brian had struggled when trying to make a decision about Ted. Justin wasn’t really a part of the gang at that point, but the few special instances when he got to see Brian, he saw in his eyes that it wasn’t an easy decision for him. Justin knew from the first moment he saw Brian hold Gus that Brian was a strong man who felt deeply and would always be there for the ones he loved. “Justin, are you home?” Daphne hollered as she entered the apartment. “In my room, Daph.” “Hey. How are you doing? Did you get your reading done?” she queried. “Yeah, I just finished. How did your test go?” “I think I did well, there was one essay I wasn’t certain about, but I’m sure I did fine.” “You probably aced it like you always do,” Justin teased. “So what time do you have to be over at Mel and Lindsay’s?” the bubbly brunette asked. “I told them I would be there around one o’clock. They have some last minute shopping to do for Gus’ party before they go to the GLC meeting. After the meeting they are going to dinner with Dusty and her partner. I probably won’t be home until around 10:00.” “Well Tasha and Brooke are coming over for a girl’s night, mud masks, manicures, and pedicures. I’ll try to make sure we are done by 10:00, at least with the pampering. We may still be eating ice cream and watching movies.” Daphne laughed at the scared expression on Justin’s face. The last time she had a girl’s night; they kidnapped Justin and gave him a ‘treatment’ as well. “Just make sure all the mud and nail polish is put away before I get home!” Daphne just laughed at his demand. “I’m serious, Daphne!” Justin said pissed that his friend was laughing at him. Still laughing, “I promise!” “Thank you very much! I’m going to take my group work with me to try and do some brainstorming once Gus goes to sleep.” Justin went to gather his things while Daphne’s laughing echoed in his ears. --^~^--- ~Seattle 10:00am~ John approached Brian’s room, gently knocked then slowly opened the door. “Brian, are you awake?” There was no response. John guessed that Brian wouldn’t want to sleep too much later; he had things he needed to do. “Brian, Hey, Brian its 10:00.” Brian rolled over and opened his eyes to see his friend standing over him. “Shit, you look ugly when I wake up,” Brian said with a smirk on his face. “Well I try. How are you?” John knew his friend’s snide comment was not an indication of how he was really feeling. “I’m okay, considering. I did decide that I have to call someone, so I’m going to call Lindsay. She’s the only one I completely trust to tell me the truth. I have so many questions, but I just really need to know if Justin’s alright.” Brian sighed, combing his hand through his hair. “You need to go back, face all of this.” “I know I’m just…” “Scared out of your mind,” John finished. “Yeah. I mean what if he doesn’t want to see me? I abandoned him. I didn’t even stick around to see if that homophobic bastard Hobbs got what he deserved.” “Brian, you thought he died, you can’t expect to react normally or rationally to something like that, he’ll understand.” John wanted to reassure Brian. “There’s something else.” “What?” “I’m not the same as I was when he last saw me, or hell, when anyone saw me. What if they can’t see the changes I’ve made, hell, let alone accept them? I can honestly say for probably the first time that I actually like myself, and am proud of the changes I’ve made. I thought that I was doing them for Justin, but I think I was just using that as camouflage in my mind so that I wouldn’t be ashamed of what I allowed myself to become. Shit! I don’t even know if Justin remembers me. What if he has amnesia?” Brian was beginning to get slightly hysterical. John had to stop this train of thought. “Brian, Allison said nothing about him losing his memory or anything in her original article nor in her follow up. I think she would have been certain to report that. You have changed, and it sounds like it’s something you’ve wanted to do for some time, but had both real and imagined roadblocks preventing it. The only person you have to worry about is yourself, my friend. I think this Justin of yours will not only remember you but will accept you no matter what. Right now, you need to call Lindsay. I’m sure she can help dispel some of the worries you have.” “I know, I know. I think I’ll take a shower first, clear my head. Then I’ll call.” “Okay, while you are showering, I’m getting online and booking you a flight home.” “John…” “Go. Take. A. Shower! It will be okay.” “John?” Brian said quietly. “Yeah.” “Thanks.” Brian turned and headed off to the bathroom. John watched his friend go and prayed that he was right, that everything would be okay. --^~^--- ~Pittsburgh 12:50pm~ Justin stood outside the suburban home of his friends waiting for one of them to answer the door. “Hi sweetie, come on in.” Melanie greeted the blonde. “Lindsay is upstairs getting Gus dressed. We had a little bit of an accident during lunch.” Justin chuckled along with Mel. Justin walked into the family room and set his messenger bag next to the sofa. “Lindz and I are going to pick some last minute presents and decorations for the big day, then we have the GLC meeting from 3:00 to 4:30, then we have to stop by my office so I can sign some paper work. I took the afternoon off yesterday to help Lindsay put the swing set together. That was an experience. I still don’t know what a gratchet is. Then we’re meeting Dusty and Marie for dinner. We should be home around 9:00.” “That’s fine. I brought school work to do once I put Gus to sleep. I can’t believe he’s going to be one already. It seems like yesterday when I met…” “Oh baby, I’m sorry, this has to be hard on you. I can’t believe that asshole hasn’t even had the decency to call…” “Mel, don’t. It doesn’t help. I don’t blame him, I’m just worried. I miss him so much. I still can’t believe that he brought me with him, let alone asked me about Gus’ name,” Justin said with a sentimental tone. “I can’t believe it either,” Mel said, but with a grateful look on her face to take the sting out of her words. “Tomorrow is our one year anniversary.” Justin looked over at Mel and could see the skepticism in her eyes. “I know it’s not the same as it is for you and Lindsay, but just the same we’ve been 'us' for a year now, no matter what 'us' is.” Mel could see the shroud of darkness fall over Justin’s eyes and she wanted to make it go away. “You know, that night after you, Michael and Brian left, Lindsay told me that you were going to be good for Brian, that she knew you could get under his armor. I wasn’t so sure…” Mel looked at Justin and just shook her head. “…okay, so I was extremely doubtful, but I have to say I’m glad I was wrong. Because you did.” Justin moved over to Mel and gave her a hug. “Thanks Mel. I needed to know that.” The embrace ended and each took a step back smiling. Just then Lindsay came down the stairs with an excited and freshly dressed Gus. --~^~^~-- ~ Seattle 10:45 pm ~ Brian exits the shower and dries off. He slides into his jeans and pulls a t-shirt out of the drawer. He smoothes the shirt down over his chest, and in his bare feet, heads to the kitchen for some coffee. He knows he will need a jolt before talking to Lindsay. John was sitting at the kitchen island, on his laptop, looking at flights for Brian. He saw Brian make a beeline for the coffee pot, and was glad he brewed a fresh batch while his friend was in the shower. He found a flight that left Seattle at 1:50pm; there was a layover in Denver, then arrived in Pittsburgh at 11:31. It would make for a long day, but that was the best he could do on such short notice. John knew he had to get Brian on a plane. The time that John and Brian had spent together since Brian’s arrival had been refreshing and revitalizing for his business and their friendship. They had brought in several new clients, and John was already hoping to set up an office in Pittsburgh with Brian at the helm. Who knew, maybe someday they could even invade the Big Apple but first Brian needed to get his life back. From what John could tell Justin was Brian’s life. John watched silently as Brian picked up the cordless phone and headed into the living room. --~^~-- ~ Pittsburgh 1:45 ~ Justin and Gus stood at the front door waving at Lindsay and Melanie as they pulled out of the driveway. The mother’s had to fawn over Justin and make sure Gus had everything he might need before Justin finally pushed them out the door. Once the car had driven out of sight, Justin and Gus headed for the coffee table to begin the day’s masterpiece. Using the crayons that Lindsay had gotten for him, Gus began to draw what Justin thought looked like the sun and the grass, he was only one after all. The little boy loved to draw. He sometimes colored in pictures that Justin drew for him, but he loved drawing his own lines and pictures. Even if he was the only one who could interpret their meanings. Justin always made sure to praise Gus’ work. Even though Gus couldn’t completely comprehend Justin’s words he knew that he was being applauded for his work just by the bright smile that always accompanied the praise. As the two continued their drawing, Justin began his rambling as he usually did. “It’s a big day for you tomorrow, little man! You’re going to be one year old. Can you believe it? You are going to have so much fun. I know your mom’s are going to have all your favorite people here, and you’ll get to eat cake and make a big mess and no one can yell at you about it. Won’t that be great?” Gus turned and looked at Justin with big eyes and smiled. Justin guessed he was being understood so he continued. “I just wish your dad was going to be here. I’m sorry for that. I know rationally that it’s not my fault, but he’s away because of me. I know that if he was here he would hold you with as much love and care as he did one year ago. You mean everything to your dad, Gus, He may not think he is a good person and father, but he really is. And I know that…” Justin’s thought was interrupted by the phone ringing. Justin turned to reach the phone that was on the end table by the sofa. “Hello, Peterson-Marcus residence.” Justin heard a gasp, and then silence. “Hello?” Still more silence. Justin’s hopes began to rise. Could it be? “Brian? Brian, is that you? Please say something!” Justin pleaded. “I…I thought you were dead. The nurse said…shit…I’m sorry.” Justin thought Brian might hang up. Quickly, “Brian it’s all right. I know what you were told. I understand. It’s okay.” Justin had tears running down his face. He couldn’t believe that he was actually hearing Brian’s voice. “Brian, where are you?” “Justin, you’re okay?” Brian asked still trying to wrap his brain around the fact that he was actually speaking to Justin. “Yes Brian, I’m okay. Where are you?” Justin asked again. “I’m in Seattle.” “Oh.” Justin was crestfallen. Had Brian started a new life without him? Would he come back to Pittsburgh for him? Maybe Brian had called to tell Lindsay that he wasn’t coming back? “Justin? Justin, are you still there?” Brian had a tinge of panic in his voice. “Yes, I’m here. Do you like it out west?” “It’s good, but it’s not home. You’re not here.” Just then John came into the room where Brian was sitting. “Brian, I’ve got you a flight back to Pittsburgh…” John looked up and saw the shocked look on Brian’s face and instantly became nervous. “Justin, hold on just a minute,” Brian said. When John heard Brian say Justin’s name the reason for the shocked expression became evident. “You’re talking to JUSTIN!? I thought you were calling Lindsay,” John all but shouted. Grinning at his friend, “He answered Lindsay’s phone. I can only guess that he is watching Gus. You said that you got me a flight.” “Yeah it leaves here at 1:50pm, then there is a lay-over in Denver, you leave Denver at 6:30pm and arrive in Pittsburgh at 11:31pm eastern time. It’s the best I could do on such short notice.” Brian took the information from John and recited it to Justin. Justin frantically wrote it down on the sketch he had been working on in bright green crayon. “I’ll be there. I’ve missed you so much, Brian!” Justin anxiously said with tears in his voice. “Justin, I’ve missed you too, but…” before Brian could finish Justin interrupted. “You’ve met someone new, haven’t you? Just say it quickly, I understand. I hoped, but…” “JUSTIN!” Brian hollered from the other end of the connection. “Yes,” Justin replied meekly. “First, I have not met anyone else! Second, I am not mad at you or any other crazy thing you can come up with. Right now I am just shocked and amazingly happy that you are alright.” “Then what was the “but” about?” Justin asked. “Well if you had let me finish.” “Finish.” “I’m not exactly how I was when I left.” Justin was fearful that something bad had happened to Brian while he was gone, but remained silent not wanting to interrupt a second time. “I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve made some changes that I’m proud of. I don’t want to go over them on the phone. I just want to get home to you.” “Just come home Brian. I’ll be waiting for you at the airport. We can go to the loft, or wherever you want and talk about everything. Just come home. I need to see you!” “Okay. I’ll be on that flight! I’m going to throw my stuff together and get John to take me to the airport now so I know I won’t miss the flight.” “Sounds good to me. I love you,” Justin said simply. “I know. I love you too, Sunshine. Later.” “Later.” It was the automatic response that Justin had for Brian, just like Pavlov’s dogs. The reverberations of Brian’s words, “I love you too” rang in his ears. The sound of a dial tone echoed in both phones.