If we look at our life, very simply, we see that it is marked with frustration and pain. This is because we attempt to secure our relationship with the ‘world out there’ by solidifying our experiences in some concrete way. The problem is that the ‘world out there’ is constantly changing, everything is impermanent and it is impossible to make a permanent relationship with anything at all. If we examine the notion of impermanence, we see that it is all-pervading, everything is marked by impermanence. We might posit an eternal consciousness principle or higher self but if we examine our consciousness closely we see that it is made up of temporary mental processes and events. We see that our ‘higher self’ is speculative at best and imaginary to begin with. Because of this we feel uneasy and anxious, even at the best of time. It is only when we completely abandon clinging that we feel any relief from our queasiness. Chapter 31 Brian stood outside the door of Justin’s studio. He held the key in his hand and debated for the hundredth time whether to use it or not. It was nine in the evening. Justin was gone, probably standing outside the nursery window looking at his daughters for the last time because tomorrow they would be going home. Gus and Austin were at the movies with Emmett and Max. Brian had called Emmett while he was driving home to ask him if he and Max wouldn’t mind taking the boys off his hands for the evening. He had no idea what would happen when he had his talk with Justin and he really didn’t want Gus or Austin around to hear the fireworks that he knew were inevitable. He finally gave in, despite his moral trepidations about intruding on Justin’s privacy. They had always respected each other’s space, never pushing or prying, even though the opportunities were always there. It was something they never talked about but just did. It was also one of the reasons why they were still together. He inserted the key in the lock and turned it, pushing the door open. He stepped in the room and shut the door behind him, pocketing the key as he did so. At first glance nothing appeared out of the ordinary. There were stacks of empty canvases in varying sizes leaning up against one wall. Justin’s two easels stood by the picture window and his work table, which accommodated his bigger pieces, stood in the center of the room, directly under the skylight that Brian had put in. There was the usual smell of paint and turpentine that Brian always associated with Justin and the controlled mess that was all a part of who he was and this room in general. No one ever entered here without Justin’s permission. Not the cleaning lady or even Brian for that matter. This was Justin’s domain, a part of his life that he only shared with certain people, if and when he wanted to. The rest of the time it was a private sanctuary that housed his mind and soul, a place where he came to pour his innermost thoughts and feelings onto the blank canvases that were the conduit from his heart to the world. Gus was only allowed in here when Justin gave him permission. Any other time he stayed outside the door. Brian felt like he was violating Justin in the most profound way possible, however, he justified it by telling himself that his partner was in trouble and needed his help. And the only way he could help him was to peek into his heart, if it happened to still be in this room. And sure enough, as Brian’s eye adjusted to the dim light and he scanned the room quickly he finally saw what had been occupying Justin for the last four days. There were preliminary sketches of Sasha and Sorina everywhere; in charcoal, in pastels and in oils. Sheets and sheets of paper were either hanging on the wall or taped to easels, showing the babies in different stages of growth, from lying in their cribs to sitting in a garden, playing with balls, standing beside Daphne and Alex, laughing in Gus’ arms, being cradled by Brian. There must have been at least one hundred pieces of paper not including what was stored in Justin’s computer where most of his artwork started out. Brian kept moving back and forth across the room, soaking in each piece, one more beautiful than the next. They were first attempts and still rough around the edges but he could see the potential and he knew that once Justin had finished them, they would be perfect. Justin had reproduced the girls in minute detail from memory; every night of standing at the nursery window had allowed him to photograph them in his brain so that he could draw from that vision as soon as he got home. Brian was so engrossed in what he was seeing that he didn’t hear the door open until he heard the thud as Justin slammed it shut. “How dare you come in here without my permission,” was the first thing Brian heard. He had his back to Justin and he shut his eyes tightly, pinching the bridge of his nose as he stood there trying to decide what to do. “I believe I just asked you a question, Brian.” Brian turned around and looked at Justin. He was speaking in that voice, that quiet deadly voice, the one devoid of all expression; the voice that Brian had only heard twice before in their relationship. The first time was when Justin had left him after deciding they wanted different things out of their relationship. The year he had come back from his Hollywood stint to find out that he and Brian were together but on different wave lengths. The second time he had heard that voice was the night Justin had decided to move to New York and break their engagement. Both times had involved life altering changes and tonight, when Brian heard that voice again, his heart sank, fearing the worst. “I’m sorry,” Brian said. “Sorry is bullshit, Brian, to use one of your favorite expressions.” “I really am,” Brian said, feeling a sadness creeping around him like a thick fog. “I didn’t want to come in here without your okay. I’ve just been really worried about you and your state of mind.” “And did you find what you were looking for?” Justin flung out, beginning to pace. He stopped in front of Brian and looked up at him, eyes blazing with anger. “Well? Was the invasion of my privacy worth it?” Brian stepped back, shocked by the depth of Justin’s anger. “Look around, Brian; see for yourself what a pathetic, fucked up man you are married to.” Justin slowly turned around in a big circle, pointing to every corner of the room. “Can’t you see with your own eyes how I have made the biggest mistake of my life and can’t do a thing about it?” Brian continued to look at Justin, not saying anything in response to his tirade. The only thing that moved him to step forward and attempt to communicate was the fact that Justin’s tears were pouring down his face without him even realizing it. “Sunshine,” Brian said gently, moving even closer, putting his arms out, desperately wanting to hold him. “Stay away, Brian. I can’t do this. Not now, maybe not ever.” “Why? Why do you think you made a mistake?” “You lied to me! It’s all fucked up Brian; I fucked up.” “How did I lie?” Brian asked, completely at a loss. “You said everything would be okay. That it would all work out. It’s not Brian, it’s not okay.” Justin fell to his knees and bent forward, holding himself, breaking down and sobbing. “You didn’t tell me,” he said, his voice muffled as his head pressed down onto the floor. “You didn’t tell me how I would feel.” Brian knelt down beside Justin and wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly. Brian could feel his own tears gathering momentum, threatening to spill over. Justin’s pain had become his and it was all engulfing, choking them both. “Tell me what you feel,” he asked, hoping for an answer but not really expecting one. Justin sat up and looked at Brian, his face twisted with pain. He closed his eyes and whispered, “No one told me I would love them like this. You never told me that I would want to hold them and protect them from every possible bad thing that could ever happen to them. That I would look at their beautiful faces each day and want to show them how much they are loved and cared for. That my love for them is so powerful, it’s choking me and I can barely catch my breath. I wasn’t supposed to love them this way, Brian, the way I love Gus. This was not supposed to happen.” Brian looked at Justin and felt a vice squeezing his heart. He said, “No one said you weren’t going to love them, Justin. How could you not? I love them and I’ve only known them for four days. It would be fucked up if you didn’t love them,” Brian said reasonably. “But I wasn’t supposed to, Brian. I knew they were going to be Daphne and Alex’s. Not yours and mine. I kept telling myself that for the last nine months. I could do this; I could step back and be the benign ‘Godfather’ watching from afar and only caring for them the way I would any other friend or relative; to be altruistic and noble, sacrificing my needs for theirs.” He looked at Brian, his face shiny from the tears that kept overflowing his incredibly blue eyes. “I never expected to love them this much; I didn’t think it was possible, to love people you don’t even know.” Brian reached for Justin and brought him close, putting his arms around him and pressing his face against Justin’s head. “I didn’t think I would love Gus either,” Brian said quietly, his thoughts suddenly far away, “But when I saw him for the first time, the night that you and I met, and I held him in my arms, I loved him instantly. It scared the hell out of me, Justin, so I went out and got high on E.” “And fucked a seventeen year old,” Justin interjected. “Yeah, that too,” Brian chuckled, in spite of himself. “Without any warning, I fell in love with two people that night and I had no idea that would ever happen. I guess it’s nature’s way, Justin, the loving and needing to protect; most parents instinctively feel that. I’m sure that even dinosaurs had some need to care for their babies, why would we be any different? That doesn’t mean it’s easy or that it’s not the most terrifying feeling. I know it took me months to come to grips with it.” “Did you ever regret your decision?” Justin asked. “To give him up, I mean? To let Lindsay and Melanie raise him?” “I never gave him up in my heart, Justin. Never. The only thing I did was turn him over to people who were better equipped to raise him. My only regret was that I didn’t participate more in his life when he was younger, but that all changed, thanks to you.” Brian said, caressing Justin’s face. “Will the girls even know how much I care, Brian? Will they think I’m crazy for giving them up?” “Justin, you’re not giving them up. What makes you think that? Daphne and Alex have agreed to let us be a part of their lives. Your daughters will get to know you as well as Gus does. They’ll find out first hand what an amazing man you are; generous and kind to a fault and the truest friend one could ever have. They’ll know it and feel it, every time you look at them; the way Gus and I do.” “And that’s another thing,” Justin interjected, wiping his face with his sleeves and trying to gain some control. “What about Gus? I promised him, Brian. I sat there in the kitchen in Toronto and told him that no one would ever call me ‘Daddy J’ except him. That no one would be my ‘official’ child, except him. I’m sure he’s not expecting me to love the twins the way I love and care for him.” Brian sat back on his heels and listened as Justin confirmed everything that Gus had surmised. He couldn’t believe that the few words spoken during a random conversation could have such meaning for Justin and have caused such misery. Brian had to shake his head to make sure he heard it right. “Justin, my God, I can’t believe you are thinking this,” Brian said as he pushed Justin away from his body and looked into the clear blue eyes that had won him over years ago. “Give Gus a little credit, will you? He’s very secure in our love and right now, he’s caught up in a love and a life of his own. Do you really think he would have one moment of anxiety by the birth of these girls or their roles in our lives? He has a sixteen year head start on them.” “But I promised him Brian, about the ‘Daddy J’ name,” Justin said again, like a CD that kept skipping. “Gus understands that the girls have to call us something, Justin, and if they borrow his name for us, he doesn’t mind. He’s already told me so.” “Are you sure?” “Justin,” Brian said, holding Justin’s face and kissing away his tears. Cradling his face in both hands he looked into Justin’s eyes and said earnestly, “Justin, my God, you are the most fucking black and white person I know. Why does it always have to be all or nothing with you? Yes or no, married or not, gay or straight, love or not love, mine or theirs. Everything is not as cut and dried as you want it to be. The world is filled with the color gray, this is why the word compromise exists, and middle and maybe. Why can’t you see that?” “I don’t know why Brian. I use gray all the time in my paintings. Why can’t I use it in my life?” “I’m not sure Justin. Maybe, it’s because, you are the last of a dying breed; the purest of hearts. You are the kind of person that no longer exists in this world. People like you have become extinct, like the beautiful unicorn you painted in the girl’s bedroom.” “Unicorns are mythical creatures Brian,” Justin said, looking at Brian with clearer eyes, his face showing less signs of distress. “Exactly, Sunshine. The world will never be the perfect place you want it to be. There will always be doubt and indecision. And middle ground. That’s what life’s all about; the challenge is getting through it unscathed, wading through the muck and making the best of what you’ve got. Making your own Karma; isn’t this what you’ve been telling me, all these months? It is your children’s Karma to be here, now, at this place in time, through your help and Daphne and Alex’s.” “And yours,” Justin said pointedly. “Yes, and mine too. Their Karma is closely linked to all four of us; five of us, if you count Gus. And you should, because somehow, his Karma and theirs is linked too. These children were meant to be here. They are our reward for something good that we have all done in a past life, and to not love them would be the bigger tragedy, Justin. That would be the biggest fuck-up of them all. Not the fact that you do love them.” “And I do,” Justin whispered, reaching for Brian and moving towards him, resting his head against his chest. “With all my heart.” “And Gus and I love you for that,” Brian answered, holding him tightly against his body. “You wouldn’t be who you are if you didn’t feel this way. What ever made you think you could control your feelings? Just because you’re going to be a part-time father is no reason why you should have part-time feelings. You’ve never done anything half-assed in your life, Justin. What made you think you would start now?” “I don’t know, Brian. God, I’ve been so stupid,” Justin replied, rubbing his face against Brian’s shirt, trying to find a place to burrow into and just disappear. Brian shook his head and smiled at this reply. He shifted position, laying down on the floor, dragging Justin along with him, settling him on his chest. “You are far from stupid, and you know it. What you are is the biggest, most melodramatic person that ever existed in this entire universe. You are hands-down, without a doubt, the champion drama-queen of all time. This week’s performance should have won you an Emmy, at least, and God-damn-it Sunshine, you know I’ll put up with all your shit, because I fucking love you so much it gives me the worst migraines, but you have got to stop this. You have put me through five days of hell!” Justin looked at Brian as he lay on the floor talking to him. His hazel eyes were greener tonight; the brown completely overshadowed by the jade flecks that always took over whenever tears were close. Justin looked in those eyes and only saw pure, unconditional love. Despite everything that he had said or put Brian through these last few days, the beautiful eyes that looked at him were shinning with love, and Justin was touched to his very core. “I love you, Brian,” Justin said as he bent and kissed Brian, long and deep, pouring out all the pent-up feelings that had been stored in him for the last five days. He lost himself in the kiss, pulling emotions that had been dormant deep inside, trying with this one kiss to show Brian how desperately he loved him. “I love you,” he whispered over and over as he kissed Brian’s cheek, eyes, neck, and then back to his mouth again. “Justin,” Brian said, breaking away from the impossible closeness, taking in deep breaths. “I want…” “Yes,” was the only response he got as Justin started peeling away his clothes as quickly as possible, then helping Brian with his. Shirts went flying, as did pants and underwear and within minutes, Brian sank into him, moaning with the relief of having him back in his life, back where they both belonged. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Half-an-hour later, they lay on the floor of the studio smoking. “Brian?” “Hmmm?” “Do you think we can go see Daphne and the twins, now?” Brian looked at his watch. It was ten-thirty. “Visiting hours are long over, Sunshine. They’re probably sleeping and I doubt the security guards will let us in.” “She’s probably just fed them. This is the time they usually have a feeding,” Justin said, leaning up on his elbow and looking at Brian. “Why do you want to go now? Can’t this wait until tomorrow?” “I don’t want to be there when everyone else is there; at least, not this first time. I want to be alone with them, with you and Daphe. I think I’m going to lose it and I don’t want to make a fool of myself in front of the whole world.” Brian put his hand up and rubbed his thumb over Justin’s mouth. He slowly caressed his face, moving his hand up to feel Justin’s silky hair, twirling strands around his finger. “I’d rather stay here and reconnect.” Justin bent and kissed Brian, whispering, “We were connected, not ten minutes ago.” “That was just an appetizer, Sunshine. I’m ready for the main course. You have starved me for almost five days; it’s unhealthy and bad for my prostate,” Brian dead-panned. Justin giggled and licked Brian’s lips, outlining them with his tongue, making Brian squirm uncomfortably. “Please,” Justin begged. “I promise that waiting for your main course will be worth it.” “Fuck it; go ahead, call her,” Brian said, shaking his head. He didn’t even know why he bothered pretending to say no. Justin could convince him to pole-dance in front of Congress, if he chose to.” “Where’s the phone?” Justin asked. “In my pocket, if you can find my pants.” Justin looked around the room and saw Brian’s jeans in the corner of the room where they had landed after being unceremoniously ripped off earlier. He stood up and walked over to retrieve them, well aware that Brian’s hungry eyes never left his sight. You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?” “What?” Justin asked innocently. “Prancing around here stark naked with your dick just waiting to be sucked.” “I am not ‘prancing’,” Justin said, smiling at Brian. “Yeah you are. You know how I get when I watch you like this.” Justin hit Daphne’s number on speed dial and prayed she’d pick up. Now that his feelings were all out in the open, he couldn’t wait to go and see the twins and hold them in his arms. “Brian?” Daphne finally answered on the fifth ring. “No, it’s me,” Justin said gently. “Did I wake you up?” “No. I just couldn’t find my phone; I kept hearing it ring and I had to remember where Alex had put it.” “I’m calling to apologize, Daphne. For not being around these last few days, for being a supreme jerk,” he said, as he watched his partner making his way over to where he stood by the window, holding the phone to his ear. Brian was crawling on his hands and knees, moving closer and closer, until he got to Justin and quickly took his half-erect penis in his mouth. Justin inhaled sharply as he felt the moist, warm tongue, beginning its ministrations, lapping at him in ways that Brian had perfected over the years. “Justin? Are you still there?” Daphne asked. “Ahhh, yes, ohmyGod,” he huffed. “I’m here.” “Are you okay then? Mentally?” “Yes, I’m…Jesus Christ…I’m so fine,” he said, his breath starting to hitch as the center of gravity moved from his brain to his dick. “Can we come see you now? I know it’s late but I need to see you, before you leave tomorrow, pleaseeeee, ahh, God,” Justin groaned into the phone. “Justin, what the fuck is going on?” Daphne asked. “Nothing, I need to come, now…Brian…I’m coming,” Justin moaned as Brian never let up and he could feel himself moving closer with every lick of the wonderful, expert tongue that was driving him over the brink. “I can’t believe you are talking to me right now,” Daphne said, serious all of a sudden. “Why?” Justin barely got out, as his orgasm moved forward with lightning speed, leading to the inevitable end as he felt himself coming into Brian’s mouth. He watched in fascination as Brian never let go of him and took him in deeper, swallowing, intensifying the pressure as Justin’s entire body seemed to be pouring out of him. He grabbed hold of Brian’s head and held on tightly; closing his eyes and wishing this would never end. He moaned into the phone, forgetting Daphne was on the other end. “Well, this is definitely a first,” she said. “Wha…don’t stop…holy shit,” Justin said, as he sank to his knees, too weak to stand any longer. “Having a three-way and not even enjoying it.” “OhmyGod…I’m so sorry, Daphne…I should have hung up.” “Ya think?” she said. She could hear Brian laughing in the background and even though she was embarrassed at being part of their reunion sex, she was thrilled that Justin seemed to have snapped out of whatever was bothering him. “Okay,” she said, in her most professional voice. “When you get your dick back where it belongs, come down here. I’ll tell security to let you in, okay?” “Thanks, Daphe,” Justin said softly, cradling Brian’s head against his stomach and disconnecting the phone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They were there in no time as the Lamborghini flew down the expressway, unhindered by any traffic at this time of the night. After passing through security with no problem, they made their way upstairs, holding hands and stopping to kiss every few minutes. Brian couldn’t get enough of him. They knocked when they got to Daphne’s room and opened the door when they heard her voice telling them to come in. They had made the midnight feeding and the cribs were in the room. Daphne had one baby at her breast and the other one was making unhappy noises, waiting her turn. Justin walked over to the bed slowly and kissed her on her cheek. “Did they just get here?” he asked in a whisper. “Yeah, we just started,” Daphne whispered back. “Pick up Sorina, would you? She hates waiting her turn and the only thing that makes her happy is when someone holds her.” Justin bent over the crib and picked up the baby slowly. He held her head, supporting her properly and fitting her nicely in the crook of his arm. The baby stopped crying instantly and opened her eyes and looked at her father, bestowing him with a big smile. Justin smiled right back then looked at Brian with wonder in his eyes. “She’s smiling at me, Brian.” Brian stood beside Justin and peered down at the baby. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she,” Brian said in a whisper. He put his arms around Justin and squeezed him gently while they both stared down at the little one who beamed up at them. Justin continued to stare at her in silence but his eyes welled up with tears that slowly made tracks down his face. “Hey,” Brian said, swiping the tears away with his hand. “No more crying, Sunshine. You don’t want your daughter to think you’re a big drama-queen, do you?” Brian said gently. Justin laughed softly and said, “I am though, Brian.” “I know, Sunshine, but let the girls discover that in due time. No need to give them a performance so early on in their lives.” Daphne was watching them the whole time and couldn’t keep the smile off her face. She was so relieved to see them back where they should be. “Justin?” “What, Daphe?” “Are you okay with their names? Did Brian tell you that they’ve been given nicknames by my in-laws?” “Yeah, he did. I’m okay with it Daphne, whatever works for you guys is fine with me.” “Can we switch? Sasha is done.” Justin watched as she moved the baby off her breast and covered herself with the blanket. He passed Sorina off to Brian while he took Sasha in his arms and then Brian passed Sorina to Daphne. “I feel like I’m in some sort of human relay race,” Brian snarked gently. Laughing at them, Daphne put the baby up to her and started to feed her. “Justin, do you know how to burp a baby?” “I think so,” he said. “I remember doing this to JR and Gus, but it’s been a while.” He placed Sasha up high on his chest and gently tapped her back, waiting for the inevitable burp which came a few minutes later. “See? It’s like riding a bike, you never forget,” Daphne said. Justin smiled at Daphne and then put Sasha in the crook of his arm and stared at her intently. She was awake, and had her eyes open. “Call me crazy, Daphne, but this girl has Brian’s eyes.” “I know,” Daphne replied. “They are hazel, just like his. How that happened I don’t know, but I’m just so grateful that it did, since Brian played such a big part in creating her,” Daphne said, looking directing at Brian. “I haven’t had a chance to thank you both for these beautiful babies and for making this all possible. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you enough,” she said emotionally. “We’re the ones who are blessed Daphne,” Justin replied. “We just provided one of the ingredients; you’re the one who brought them into our lives.” She reached out with one hand and grabbed Justin’s as he reached out to meet her half-way. They stood there, holding their children and smiling at each other while Brian embraced Justin and perched his chin on Justin’s shoulder. “If you guys are done with your awards ceremony, I would like to take my partner and go home. I’m exhausted and need my beauty sleep. I’m getting too old for all this fucking drama,” Brian said. “Somehow, I find that hard to believe,” Daphne said. “What?” Brian asked. “The whole ‘getting old’ part. This is what keeps you young, Brian. And you know it.” “Whatever. Justin, are you ready to go?” he asked. “Yes. One last kiss,” he said gently, as he brought the baby up to his lips and kissed her on her cheek. He then moved over to Daphne and kissed her, and then Sorina. He put Sasha back in the bassinet and stepped back to observe his three favorite women. “I should paint this whole scenario. The dark room and the cribs and you, Daphne in the shadow of the light, with your hair floating around you face,” Justin mumbled under his breath as he studied the whole room intently. “Christ, Justin. Will you quit thinking already? It’s late and I want to go,” Brian said, grabbing Justin’s hand and pulling. “I’ll call you tomorrow, Daphe. Okay?” Justin asked, as Brian continued to pull him out of the room. “That’s fine,” Daphne replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The car sped down the road but instead of turning right, onto the entrance of the expressway, Brian barreled down the street, heading towards Tremont. “Why aren’t we heading home?” Justin asked. “We are.” “The loft? Why?” Brian gave Justin a look that was all too familiar and Justin stared at him and said, “I thought you were exhausted.” “I am. Exhausted from waiting five days,” Brian said, looking at his partner with a definite leer in his face. “You are unbelievable.” “That’s what you’ve been telling me for fifteen years, so it’s probably true,” Brian snarked. He grabbed Justin and kissed him, still going sixty miles an hour on city streets. Fortunately, at one in the morning, the streets were empty. Justin broke away, heady from the mind-blowing kiss, impatient to get to their destination. “Are we almost there yet?” Justin asked. Brian laughed when he heard that. The air in the car was heavy with sexual tension. The brief session they had at home earlier had done nothing to assuage this need that they both seemed to have; a thirst for each other that had not abated in fifteen years, no matter how often they drank from the well. Brian brought the car to a screeching halt in front of their building and decided to just leave it there, rather than make the more time consuming trek to the underground parking garage. They punched in their security code, unlocking the main door and then hurried to the elevator, slamming the wooden doors shut, latching on to each other like there was no tomorrow. To an outsider looking in, they seemed consumed with their need, they were acting like lovers that had been torn apart for years, meeting for the first time. Brian was devouring Justin, grabbing on to his hair and kissing every part of his face even as his other hand ran wild over Justin’s lower body. Justin was intoxicated with his desire. It was so reminiscent of the night he had come from Ethan’s bed, the night that he and Brian had all but eaten each other alive, until Brian stopped himself and withdrew, punishing Justin for his indiscretion. Tonight, another hunger was being satisfied. It was a yearning deep inside them, for times past, when the only thing that mattered in their lives were their bodies and physical release. When no responsibilities existed outside the realm of the next orgasm, the next good fuck. Justin let himself go, feeling every part of his body responding to Brian. The elevator had long since stopped but they continued to kiss, making no attempt to open the doors. Justin felt Brian pulling his shirt out of his pants, getting impatient with his progress, yanking it off, and ripping it in the process. Somehow that only set off a chain reaction of pulling and tugging at each others clothes, impatient to be without any barriers. Finally, they stood together, naked, breathing heavily, dicks hard and pressed together, wet with fluids brought on by their passion, hands holding on tightly, digging into soft tissue, oblivious of the marks that would be left behind, pulling themselves closer, mashing their bodies together so tight, not even air could get in between them. They were as close as was physically possible, yet Justin needed more. “Brian, please…” Brian slammed the wooden doors apart, bending down to retrieve the keys to the front door, fumbling wildly to get it open, while Justin knelt down and put his tongue on Brian’s ass, moving his cheeks apart, lapping greedily at the object of his desire. He was in a trance almost, needing to taste and smell and feel the man who was driving him crazy with desire, sending signals that were running riot through his body with this need that had to be quenched. “Christ, Justin hold on…let me get the door.” They fell in, as the door slid open effortlessly, Brian turned and slammed it shut behind him and grabbed Justin, picking him up and carrying him to the bed, all the while kissing him, never letting up for a minute. They fell on each other, Brian on the bottom, feeling Justin moving against him, knowing they were both so ready, needing to come, yet wanting to prolong this agony for as long as possible. They were both wet, groin to groin, sliding against each other as their tongues continued the foreplay, fucking their mouths with practiced skill. “Turn over,” Justin begged. “Please… I need to be inside you.” Brian reluctantly tore his mouth away from Justin’s and slowly rolled over, feeling Justin reach above his head to the drawer on the nightstand, fumbling around for the lube that they always kept there. “Just do it,” Brian moaned. “For God’s sake, fuck me,” he said, as he pulled Justin’s arm back towards him. Justin quickly spat into his hand and moved it down, wetting Brian, preparing him for his entrance even though Brian was more than ready. He was ready thirty minutes ago. Brian felt the push, felt the pain that always accompanied this, pain that was so much like his relationship with Justin. It was a pain he needed as much as breathing, a pain that drove him to the brink of insanity, a pain that he would kill for and defend to his last dying breath. It was the pain so closely connected to the perfect pleasure, to the perfect partner and perfect life that he had so wisely chosen for himself. It was a pain named Justin Taylor, a man that always took him to the very edge of the mountain, but somehow, never managed to let him go. The persistent, annoying, dramatic little shit that had entered his heart so insidiously, and had hung on like a virus, never leaving him again. It was a pain called love. A love that was all consuming, that made him want to get up in the morning and go happily to bed each night. A pain that burned him with brilliant blue eyes, eyes that saw right through every layer of bullshit ever contrived and every possible excuse he had ever thought of to push him away. This was a pain that no amount of anesthetic would ever mask. “Justin,” Brian whispered, as he felt Justin moving against him, hitting parts of his body that sent explosions of pleasure straight to his brain. He felt Justin’s hand moving around his hips, lifting him slightly so that he could caress his hardness, enveloping him in a tight fist, moving his hand in unison with the movements of his body. Justin bent his head down towards Brian’s neck, sucking on the soft spot near his ear, leaving small red marks that would stay there for days. “God…I missed this,” Justin huffed out, as the momentum pushed them forward. “Fuck…yes…,” Brian replied, turning his head towards Justin, needing to feel his mouth moaning against his. “Love me, Sunshine, as hard as you can,” Brian groaned, lifting himself on his knees, opening up completely and pulling Justine’s hips closer, needing the pressure, wanting to feel him as deep inside as possible. “You are loved…Brian,” Justin replied, driving into Brian, hitting his prostate over and over. “I will…love you…forever,” Justin whispered, before a strangled sound escaped from deep inside as his universe exploded in a hot, wet, flash, warming them both as he felt himself pouring into his lover, even as his hand was covered with Brian’s corresponding wetness. Brian collapsed on the bed with Justin draped over him, still buried deep in his ass, each trying to catch a breath. “Don’t pull out yet,” Brian huffed, “Stay right there.” “I’m not going anywhere,” Justin answered in a barely audible voice, rubbing his face on Brian's back then kissing him softly on his neck. “You’re my life, ” he whispered. “I know, Sunshine, I know.” The End Authors Note: This story would have never have been possible without the help and support of my amazing beta, Shellie, who has become such an important part of my life. I want to thank her again for all her help, for being here for me, coming along on this journey for the last eight months, sending corrected chapters back faithfully each week and never complaining once about being over-worked and definitely under-paid:) To all of you who have read this story and commented without fail, thank you so very much! Although I write because I love it, I write publicly to interact with you, my wonderful group of new friends, who share a love and obsession for two beautiful men that have, in one way or another, changed our lives. As to a sequel for Karma? This is up to you; the readers. I have 6 Chapters already written, however, my time line continues, my future universe moves forward, which means Brian and Justin will age, and along with aging will come problems. If this is something you are interested in reading, please let me know. I won’t continue this story if nobody wants to read it. I would love to hear back from all the readers that have enjoyed Karma and would like to read more. This is not a ploy for generating more comments (although, I must confess, I love comments almost as much as I love M&M’s). I honestly would like to know if there is an interest. The fandom has shrunk so much in the last two years; I wonder how many people out there really have a need to read more stories about our two favorite guys. A simple one-liner will do. One thing I will promise is there will be no major character deaths. I couldn’t handle reading that, much less writing it. The storyline will revolve around Gus, Sasha and Sorina as well as B/J, E/M and other members of the family. And lastly. I would like to thank Elsa Rose for inviting me to join Midnight-Whispers and giving me a home, to write in peace and not worry about censorship and all the drama and intrigue that seems to be pervading livejournal. If we do start this sequel, I will be posting on my livejournal account for as long as it’s there, as well as on my new InsaneJournal account and of course, Midnight-Whispers. Posting on Bjfic.net may not happen until the very end of the story. If you have been reading this story in that community, please friend me now, on either livejournal or InsaneJournal, so that you can get any future updates. My user name is the same on all accounts. The reason I’m doing this is not because I don’t love Bjfic.net, it’s because it’s too time consuming to have multiple postings each week. Besides, I’ve noticed over the last few months that most of my readers are from Midnight-Whispers and my own journal anyway. I will be checking birthdays though, so please make sure yours is listed Thank you again for all your support these last eight months. It’s been great fun and I hope we’ll be meeting again soon! Much love, Michele