We are born with hereditary characteristics. At the same time we possess certain innate abilities that science cannot adequately account for. To our parents we are indebted for the gross sperm and ovum that form the nucleus of our so-called being. They remain dormant within each parent until this potential germinal compound is vitalized by the Karmic energy needed for the production of the fetus. Karma is therefore the indispensable conceptive cause of this being. The accumulated karmic tendencies, inherited in the course of previous lives, at times play a far greater role than the hereditary parental cells and genes in the formation of both physical and mental characteristics. Chapter 30 “You had no right!” Justin screamed, throwing his arms out and then running his hands through his hair as he walked around the room ranting at Brian. Brian stared at his life partner, who was completely out of control. He was still trying to figure out how their conversation had gone from mundane to all-out confrontational within minutes. He hadn’t seen Justin this upset since the night they had called off their wedding in 2006. What the fuck was his problem, he wondered again for the hundredth time. “Justin, will you calm down and tell me why you are so pissed.” “You had no right to decide what those girls are going to call us,” Justin spat out, looking like he wanted to kill someone. “Those girls are your daughters Justin. And maybe if you had been there you could have had some say in the matter. Why the fuck haven’t you gone to see them!” “They are not my daughters. They belong to Alex and Daphne. How many times do I have to say that?” Brian looked at Justin and shook his head. He was standing across the room, red splotches on his normally perfect white skin, tears scalding his cheeks. “Justin,” Brian said softly, trying to change his approach altogether. “We all know who the legal parents are; we also know who the biological father is. Why are you having issues with this all of a sudden?” “I have no issues. I just want people to stop deciding shit for me.” “Who’s deciding anything for you?” Brian asked. “This was your decision, Justin. One you made all by yourself, many months ago. We’re just here for the ride, as you requested.” “Yeah, well, maybe I was wrong,” Justin said harshly, still breathing heavily, still in a tone of voice that was not normal for him. “Wrong? What are you talking about? We can’t take them back to the pet store and there’s no re-stocking policy for humans, at least not one that I’m aware of,” Brian said seriously. “Fuck off Brian. I’m not in the mood for your sarcasm right now.” “And your fucking hysterics are getting old Justin. I don’t know what your problem is but you’d better get-over-it!” “Whatever, Brian. I need to get out of here for a while. I’m going for a drive,” Justin said, moving over to the table near the front door and grabbing his car keys. Brian stood there shaking his head again. “You’re going to walk out of here, go for a fucking drive after all this garbage that’s come out of your mouth? I don’t believe this.” Brian grabbed Justin by the arm and pulled him up to his body. They were both breathing heavily, both miserable. “Let go of me, Brian. I need to get away for a few hours.” “I’m not letting you drive in this condition. You are fucking out-of-control and I want to know why.” Justin looked at Brian for the first time that night. Really looked at him and Brian was taken aback by the pain he saw in those blue eyes. They were swimming with tears. Justin’s face was rigid with the effort of trying to control his emotions, but he had lost the battle completely. “Please,” Brian whispered, caving instantly, “Tell me how I can make it better,” he said, kissing Justin on the lips, needing to get a response of some kind. “You can’t Brian,” Justin sobbed, finally breaking down. “This is one time you can’t fix it.” He turned abruptly, pulling free of Brian, running out the front door before Brian could stop him. The next thing Brian heard was the sound of the engine as Justin started the BMW and drove off with a screech of tires. Brian turned around and made his way to the bar on the other side of the great room. He looked at the clock as he poured himself a hefty measure of Beam. It was nine o’clock, exactly. They had been home since four-thirty in the afternoon, when they had met up after Brian had returned from the airport with Gus and Austin. Justin had seemed completely normal, kissing him as they walked through the door and throwing his arms around Gus, remarking how much he had grown again. They had sat around the kitchen table, snacking on the sandwiches that Jerry had made for them before leaving for the day. Gus and Austin were happy to be back in the Pitts, listening to Brian going over their schedule for the next few months. Things started to change when Gus inquired after Daphne and the babies. At that point, Brian remembered things taking a turn for the worse and he couldn’t put his finger on exactly what was said, or by whom, but that’s when the shit hit the fan. He tried to remember how the conversation went, to try and pinpoint the moment of destruction. “How are the twins?” Gus had asked. “We heard they are beautiful.” “They are. One looks just like Daphne and the other one is Daddy J’s clone,” Brian remarked. “Wow, that’s awesome,” Gus said. “I can’t wait to see them.” “Are they still calling them Justine and Alexandra?” Austin inquired. “Yeah, those are the legal names, but they got nick-named by Alex’s parents. Apparently they thought their names were way too big for such tiny things, and they’re right in a way. Their nicknames are nice, Sasha for Alexandra and Sorina for Justine,” Brian said. “Sorina?” Justin asked, looking confused. “It means ‘Sun’ in Romanian. Irina Cherny came up with it as soon as she saw your daughter’s smile. It’s just like yours, Sunshine, she’s beautiful,” Brian said, looking at Justin and smiling at him. “Really,” Justin said, going stiff all of a sudden. “Yeah, it was pretty hilarious at one point. The room was as crowded as Babylon on a Saturday night. There must have been a dozen people in that room, not counting the nurse and the babies. Mostly family, except for Em and Max.” “Who all was there?” Justin asked. “Your mom, the Chanders, the Chernys, Emmett, Max and myself. Things got pretty interesting when we started deciding what the girls were going to call everyone,” Brian said. “What do you mean?” Justin asked. “Daphne’s Dad thought it would be a good idea to get the name calling out of the way so everyone would be on the same page.” “And what did everyone decide?” Justin asked, his face becoming more mask-like with every word spoken. “Let’s see,” Brian said. “If I remember correctly, they are going to call Alex and Daphne, Papa and Mama, the Cherny’s are going to be some Russian thing, I think it’s Dedushka and Babushka, or something like that. Mrs. Chanders wanted to be called Nana instead of grandmother and Mr. Chanders will be Grandpa Chanders, and your mom; I think it will be Grandma Jen, the same thing you call her Gus,” Brian finished. “Wow, no wonder they wanted to decide about names. How are those poor girls going to remember who’s who?” Gus asked. “And you and me?” Justin asked Brian, in a barely audible voice. “I think they decided to keep it simple and continue on with Gus’ names. You know, ‘Daddy B and Daddy J’.” Justin went white and stood up abruptly, knocking the chair over and leaving the room in a huff. Brian looked at Gus and Austin and all three of them said, “What the fuck?” at the same time. That was it, Brian thought as he stood at the bar, downing the rest of his drink. That’s when he went nuts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin drove around aimlessly until he changed his mind and turned the car towards the expressway heading downtown. He made it to the hospital just under the wire. Nine-twenty-five exactly. Visiting hours were over at nine-thirty. He parked the car quickly and bolted into the hospital, catching the elevator up to the maternity floor. He got out and made his way to the nursery, the one that said NICU on the window. He looked in the window, but didn’t see the two cribs with the twins in them. He knocked on the glass, catching a nurse’s attention and when she stuck her head out the side door he said, “Where are the Cherny twins?” “They moved them to the regular nursery. They don’t need to be here anymore.” “Where’s that?” he asked. “Same floor, on the east side of the building.” “Thanks,” Justin said, moving away from her quickly. He followed the lines on the hallway floor until he got to the other side of the building. He stopped in front of another glass window that looked exactly like the one he had just, left only this one had no writing on it. He peered in and saw many cribs lined up in a row. He looked at each row carefully and finally found the two that he was looking for. They were on the forth row, too far for him to really see anything, so he tapped on the glass window, hoping to catch the nurse’s attention. Again, he got lucky and a nurse stuck her head out the door and said, “Can I help you?” “Can you move the Cherny twins closer to the window, so I can see them?” “Sir, visiting hours are over. You’ll have to come back tomorrow.” “Please,” he begged. “It’ll only be for a minute.” “Are you Dr. Cherny’s brother? You look just like him,” the nurse asked. “Yes,” Justin answered, without hesitating for a minute. “Oh well, in that case, no problem. You can stay as long as you want. Let me get the babies.” Justin watched as the cribs were moved closer to the picture window. He stood there, pressing his forehead to the glass, waiting for the girls to come closer. Finally, they were right below him and the nurse smiled at him and then left them. Justin stared down at his daughters, soaking in the sight of them like a starving man choking down a piece of bread. He saw that their light brown hair had definitely started to curl. They were both active tonight and their eyes were open. The one brown-eyed as Brian had said, the other blue. The same blue that stared back at him in the mirror every morning. Oh-my-God. They are beautiful. He continued to stand there, his forehead pressed to the window, never moving. What have I done? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian was sitting on the sofa with his bare feet up on the coffee table and his glass in his right hand. He was still nursing drink number two, not really wanting to get drunk, just hoping to dull the edges of the pain slightly. He had no clue where Justin was coming from or going for that matter. There was no way he could help him if he didn’t know what was wrong. That’s what was killing him, the not knowing. He looked up when he heard a noise and was surprised to see Gus strolling into the room. “Hey Sonny Boy, what’s up?” “Hey, Dad. How are you holding up?” “Me? I’m fine Gus. Nothing’s wrong with me,” Brian replied. “I heard you and ‘DJ’ yelling earlier so I thought maybe you’d be upset.” “I am upset, but not at you or anyone else for that matter. I’m upset because Justin isn’t himself and I don’t know why. I hate not knowing why.” “I know. It’s the control freak in you.” “Whatever, Gus. I wish I knew what the fuck was wrong with him. Anyway, tell me how you’ve been. We haven’t really had a chance to talk since you got in.” “I’ve been fine Dad, everything is going great.” “And you and Ashley?” “Its all good, Dad.” “All good?” Brian asked, waiting for more details. Gus shook his head and laughed, knowing what Brian wanted to hear. “Touchdown Dad,” he said. “Awesome,” Brian said, putting both his arms up in the air, simulating the touchdown sign and yelling, “Touchdowwwwwwn.” Gus sat there smiling at his father, enjoying him so much more when he was silly and irreverent. He hated seeing Brian serious or upset. He especially hated being around when his fathers fought. “Did you do it in the car?” Brian asked, turning his body around so he faced Gus. Gus looked down and surprisingly still turned bright pink in response to his father’s question. “Hey,” Brian said, holding Gus’ arm. “We don’t need to talk about it, if you don’t want to.” Gus looked up at Brian and only saw love, not judgment of any sort. “Yeah, we did it in the car and it was good Dad, it was more than good. I love her, Dad.” Shit. Brian reached out and ruffled Gus’ hair. “I’m happy for you. But, remember what I said, about first loves and all that, okay?” “I’m trying to; it’s just that I can’t think of anyone else right now. She’s the only one I want.” “That’s understandable,” Brian said. “Just don’t get too serious.” “We’re trying not to. I told her about our talk and everything you said so we’re both trying not to get too hung up on this.” “That’s good. You’re both really young and still have two more years of high school and then college. There’s no point in trying to tie each other down with promises that might not be kept.” Gus looked at his father and said, “What did you just say?” “When?” “Just now. You said something about promises.” “I said that you and Ashley need to take things slow and not make each other promises that you can’t keep.” “That’s it,” Gus said intently. “Dad, I just thought of something.” “What? What’s wrong?” Brian asked, leaning forward, holding Gus’ hand. “I think I know what’s wrong with ‘DJ’,” Gus said slowly, trying to gather his thoughts. “Tell me,” Brian said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was eleven o’clock before Brian heard the car pulling into the garage. He had moved upstairs, to their bedroom, to watch the news and wait for Justin to get home. He heard Justin moving around in the kitchen then he heard footsteps climbing the stairs but instead of coming to bed, Justin made his way to the studio, entered it and shut the door with a thud. Brian sighed when he heard that. He had no desire to confront Justin, especially if Gus’ theory was correct. He felt he should give him some space, let him come to terms with his feelings and not intrude or demand anything. He knew, from past experience that Justin would eventually snap out of it and arrive at a reasonable conclusion. He didn’t score in the top percentile on his SAT’s for no reason. The man was brilliant; he was just a big drama queen that had a tendency to think with his heart and not his head. He pulled another cigarette out of the pack and lit it, resigning himself to the fact that he was sleeping alone again tonight. It had been two days since the birth of the twins. Two days since Justin had come to his bed, two even longer days since they had sex. Fuck this shit. He stood up abruptly and made his way off the bed and out of the room. He held his cigarette in his left hand and turned back into the room and stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray beside the bed. He stood there, deliberating with his decision, wanting to go get Justin but really thinking he shouldn’t. He gave in to his first impulse and walked out the room and made his way down the hall to the far end of the house where the studio was located. He saw a light coming from underneath the door and when he tried to turn the knob to let himself in he realized it was locked. He knocked gently, waiting. “Go away,” was all the response Brian got. “Justin, open the door.” “Leave me alone Brian. Not tonight.” “Justin, please, open the door. I want to talk to you.” “I don’t want to talk. I have nothing to say.” “Well I do, so open the fucking door already.” “Brian, I said I don’t have anything to say. I just want to be left alone.” “Yeah, well, that line died with Garbo. I’m not leaving you alone. So either open the door or I will go and get the master key and open it myself.” The door was yanked open suddenly and a pissed-off Justin stood there in all his righteous anger. “What the fuck do you want,” he spat out, eyes blazing. Brian stood there staring at Justin and his heart broke, seeing how miserable he was. “I want to talk.” “Or not,” Justin said. “Justin…I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.” “Who says I need help?” Brian reached for him and took him in his arms, bending down to nuzzle his neck, wishing Justin would come to his senses. Justin pushed him back and said, “Is it sex you want? I’m not in the mood, but feel free to fuck me and get it over with so you’ll leave me alone.” Brian saw that Justin was close to tears again and he just shook his head and said, “I don’t know where that’s coming from or why you would even think that I’d want to have sex with someone who’s obviously lost his mind. I’d like to punch your lights out right now if it would make a difference, but somehow, I doubt that it would.” Brian could tell that his words were having some effect on Justin but not enough to make Justin break down and tell him what was wrong. His body language had not changed; he was still as rigid as a board and was making no attempt to move closer to him. “I don’t know what your problem is Justin,” Brian said coldly, “And don’t even try and say there isn’t one, because right now, I don’t even know who the fuck you are anymore. What I do know is that you need help and if you won’t let me give it to you, then find someone who can, because I don’t like what I’m hearing or seeing. Don’t even bother coming near me till you find Justin Taylor, ‘cause I have no idea who the fuck you are.” Brian turned and slammed the door on his way out, never hesitating for one minute. Justin sank down on his knees and put his face in his hands. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Daphne and Alex were alone in the hospital room, relishing the silence after a hectic day of visitors coming and going. It was day four of her stay and Doctor Russo had been in to see her earlier and pronounced that she would be able to go home tomorrow. Daphne had Sorina at her breast while Sasha was asleep in her father’s arms, completely satisfied. So far, they had both taken to breast feeding without a problem and they seemed to be easy-going babies. The only time they were heard crying was when they were hungry. “Are you going to be able to manage by yourself, once we get home?” Alex asked. “I think so. Your mother is going to be around for another week, so she’ll be there to help me and hopefully by the time she leaves I’ll be more of an expert at this,” Daphne replied, reaching out with one hand and touching Alex lightly on his arm. He looked at her and smiled. She looked so content, her aura peaceful and calm. Watching her breast feeding was always such a source of pleasure for him. She looked like a portrait that he had admired many years ago when he had gone on a trip to Italy. It was of a Madonna and child, but what had made it so unusual was that the Madonna was Black and her baby as well. There was something about that portrait that had attracted him and held his attention. Daphne reminded him of that Madonna, especially now that her face was starting to get back to normal. The swelling had gone down as soon as she gave birth and her cheekbones were starting to resurface after having disappeared for months. He had almost given up hope that their dream would ever come true. Yet, here they were, parents, with two beautiful, healthy babies. Daphne looked down at her daughter, who seemed to have finally gotten her fill, and she pulled her away for her breast, wincing as the little mouth released its tight hold with a small pop. She covered her breast and put the baby up to her shoulder, turning her over gently so she could tap her on the back to get the burp that everyone considered so critical. Just then, a nurse came in. “All done, Doctor?” “Yes, I’m done for now. Give me a minute while I burp this girl and then you can have them both.” “Okay. I understand you’ll be going home tomorrow,” the nurse said, waiting at the foot of the bed. “Yes, we are. I can’t believe I’ll finally see my house after so many weeks. How long was I actually here, Alex?” Daphne asked, turning to her husband who was still happily rocking his other daughter. “Almost three-and-a-half weeks.” “That’s a long time,” the nurse replied. “I’m sure you’ll be happy to be back with all your things in familiar surroundings. But, I’m sure your brother will be sorry to see you go,” she said to Alex. “My brother?” Alex asked. “His brother?” Daphne said. “What are you talking about?” “He won’t be able to see the girls as often, once you guys leave. I’m sure he’ll miss their nightly routine,” the nurse said, matter-of-factly. “Nurse, what routine are you talking about?” Alex asked, concerned. “Your brother comes by every evening, just before nine-thirty and he stays and watches the girls through the nursery window. He’s been here every night since they were born,” she said. “Didn’t he tell you?” “No,” Alex said hesitantly. “What exactly does he look like?” The nurse looked at Alex and laughed. “Come on, Dr. Cherny, stop pulling my leg. You know what your brother looks like, he’s just like you. Blond, blue-eyed. Very nice and polite. I’ve asked him repeatedly why he doesn’t just come here when I bring the girls for the evening feeding but he said he had to get back to work and couldn’t make the time. This is why he just stops in at the nursery, right?” the nurse asked, confused by all the questions. “He seems like a very nice man, but really sad,” she said. “Has he lost a child of his own?” “Why do you ask that?” Daphne inquired. “It’s just that I’ve seen him wipe a tear away on several occasions, while he was looking at the girls. I asked him if he wanted to hold them, I figured that would be okay, since he is your brother, right Dr. Cherny?” “Right,” Alex said, completely taken aback by the entire conversation. “And did he?” Daphne asked. “No, he never did. Just stood there and looked at them, with tears in his eyes. Okay, then,” the nurse said, “I’d best be taking the girls back to the nursery and leave you alone to get some rest. Take advantage now because once you get home you won’t sleep well, for another two months, at least.” Daphne handed Sorina over and Alex stood up and gently placed Sasha in her bassinet. He held the door open as the nurse wheeled both cribs out of the room. As soon as the door closed, Daphne looked at Alex and said, “Now we know where Justin’s been these last four days.” “What’s going on with him, Daphne?” “I’m not sure, but I’m really worried about him, Alex.” “No kidding. Do you think Brian knows? Have you talked to him lately?” Alex asked. “”No, but I think we had better. Why don’t you call him and ask him to stop by tonight.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian put the phone down after promising Alex he would stop by the hospital on his way home later on. He wondered what was so important that it couldn’t wait. He hoped it had something to do with Justin; maybe Daphne had some information that would give him an idea of what the hell was going on with him. They were now on day five of this nightmare. Five days of sleeping alone, of walking by the locked studio every night, seeing the tray of food that was left outside the door, food pushed around on the plate, barely touched. Justin had made no attempt to come to him after the blow-up the other night. Brian knew that he only left the house in the evening, for about an hour or so, and then he’d come back and go back to the studio, locking the door as usual. Gus had told him that during the day, while he was at Kinnetik, Justin would make an appearance. He’d have breakfast with the boys, then go for a run after which he’d take a quick shower and then disappear again, back into the studio, doing who-knows-what. It was easier now that Gus and Austin could drive themselves around. Justin had a perfect excuse to not have to see Brian or interact with him in any way. The boys could fend for themselves and Justin wouldn’t have to act as a care-taker, thus alleviating the problem of communication with anyone. The added bonus of having a full-time cook in the person of Jerry Bither meant one more thing Justin wouldn’t have to deal with. Brian stood up abruptly and decided to go see Daphne and Alex right now. He had just about reached the end of his fun level and it was time to do something. He’d had it with the pussy-footing around and he was going to find out what the fuck was bothering Justin if he had to choke it out of him. The drive to the hospital was uneventful, except for the usual rush-hour traffic. He parked his car and made his way up to the maternity floor and headed towards Daphne’s room. He knocked and peeked in after hearing Daphne’s voice telling him to come in. “Are you decent?” “Yes, come in Brian.” He entered and walked up to her, giving her a light peck on the cheek. “You look really good, Daphe. I’d forgotten you had cheekbones,” Brian said, pulling up a chair and sitting down, crossing his legs. “God, did I look that bad when I was pregnant?” “Well, let’s put it this way. You would have made a great poster-child for birth control. I would have made millions,” he said, looking at her with a big shit-eating grin. “Shut up, Brian,” she said, laughing at him. He turned serious all of a sudden and leaned forward. “Do you know what’s going on with Justin?” “That’s why I asked you to come over,” she replied. She repeated the entire conversation that she and Alex had earlier with the nurse. When she got done, Brian leaned his head back on the chair and closed his eyes. Finally, he opened them and asked, “He hasn’t come in to this room to visit at all?” “No, apparently he’s just been hanging around outside the nursery every evening, and then he leaves. “Jesus Christ.” “I know,” Daphne said. “I’m really worried about him Brian.” “No shit,” Brian answered. “Have you tried calling him?” Brian asked, standing up abruptly, getting ready to leave. “Several times. It goes straight to voice mail.” “Okay. I’ve got to go and find him and see if I can’t get to the bottom of this,” Brian said. Daphne reached for his hand and squeezed it. “Brian, go easy on him okay? I’m not sure what’s going through his head, but he seems to be having some sort of life crisis right now and I don’t want you to hurt him by pushing him into some sort of action before he’s ready.” Brian looked at her and said, “I know that saying that made you feel better, but it made me feel like shit, Daphne. Do you honestly think I would do anything to hurt him?” Daphne looked up at Brian and saw that his face had turned stony but his eyes betrayed the fact that she had just hurt him by her statement. The green that was normally part of the background to the brown took center stage, a sure sign that tears were much too close to the surface. “No, of course not” Daphne said reaching for Brian’s hand. “I’m sorry Brian, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I’m just so worried about Justin and frustrated that he won’t talk to us, so we can get him through this.” “So am I, Daphe. I’m nervous as hell because I haven’t seen this kind of behavior in years. I thought we had grown way beyond this. For him to shut me out and not let me help him is scaring the crap out of me.” Daphne knew how tough it was for Brian to say what he just said. This was the man who never acknowledged his feelings to anyone except Justin, and to hear him vocalize his fears spoke volumes of how much he had grown emotionally since she met him fifteen years ago. She grabbed both his hands and said, “If anyone can get through to him, it’s you Brian. I know that you can do it. You just have to figure out how.” Brian let out a small huff. “And that’s the final Jeopardy question, isn’t it Daphne? What makes Justin Taylor tick?” TBC