Karma does not necessarily mean past actions. It embraces both past and present deeds. Hence in one sense, we are the result of what we were; we will be the result of what we are. The present is no doubt the offspring of the past and is the present of the future, but the present is not always a true index of either the past or the future; so complex is the working of Karma. Chapter 13 Daphne and Alex sat at the kitchen table, staring at each other in silence. It was Saturday morning and instead of their usual routine of lazing in bed, drinking coffee, reading, and enjoying the start of the weekend, they were sitting there nursing the wounds from last night’s screaming match. Neither one had said one word since they woke up. Daphne was shocked at the way she had behaved. She couldn’t believe the things that had come out of her mouth last night as she lit into Alex the minute he walked through the door. She accused him of plotting things with Brian; of trying to put an end to her dreams. She told him he was jealous of Justin, that he was unwilling to help her convince Justin to be the donor because he was afraid. He couldn’t stand the thought of someone coming into his life and calling the shots! He had to have control over everything and everyone, and she was not going to let this ruin her one chance to have the biological child she was entitled to have. She didn’t stop long enough to see the hurt and pain she was causing with her tirade. She had long passed the point of reasonable. She had forgotten that it was Alex’s idea to have donor sperm in the first place. That it was he who wanted her to have a pregnancy and not resort to adoption. Alex had told her she was out of control and being ridiculous! Her emotions had completely taken over and she was making no sense at all. He couldn’t help it if the IVF wasn’t working. He had done everything he could to make this happen. He apologized again for being sterile…he told her to pack her bags and go find someone who would be able to get her pregnant. Someone who would make her happy and give her what she wanted. They slept fitfully on either side of the king size bed. It was the first time in their marriage that they had not kissed each other good night or said, “I love you.” It was the first time they had a true fight, with all the anger and bitter feelings that followed. “Alex,” Daphne started to say, as he said her name at the same time. “Daphne.” “Sorry,” she said, “You go first.” “I’d rather you did,” Alex replied stiffly. “Look,” Daphne started, “I know I said some pretty awful things last night. I can’t take them back because I know that you heard every word and will probably never forget, but I really am sorry.” Alex looked at the beautiful woman that sat across from him. Her eyes were wet with tears, a sight that was becoming all too familiar. “Alex,” she continued, “I’m sorry for being such a bitch. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately. I just seem to be filled with such resentment and I’m short tempered and angry all the time. I know that my hormones were out of whack from all the shots I’d been getting, and swinging back and forth between being pregnant and not; I know that’s playing a huge part in my mood swings, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had any hormone stimulation and I think that I’ve just gone off the deep end. I had no right to talk to you the way I did. I had no right to talk to Brian the way I did either. He’s probably pissed as hell too and with good reason.” “Darling,” Daphne reached out to take his hand, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She looked at her husband and as much as she tried, she couldn’t control the tears that were now flowing down her face. “Daphne,” Alex replied, “I’m sorry too, sorry it’s come to this. I know this hasn’t been easy for you. I seem to have forgotten how much you’ve been through.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Little by little, the tension that showed all over his face eased up. His frown lines disappeared and his mouth, which had been pinched into a tight white line relaxed as he let his guard down and put his anger aside. He opened his eyes and stared at Daphne, trying to decide what to say next. Slowly, he started talking again. “You’ve always been such a strong person, Daphne, one of the strongest people I know. It’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you.” “I’m not, Alex.” “Yes you are! You’ve never complained once about all you’ve had to deal with. The shock of finding out I’m sterile, the whole process of In Vitro…I know it’s been horrible. Even though you’ve been a real trouper about this, you’re human too and have needs and wants and fears like everyone else. Because we’re both doctors, I just assumed that you had a handle on everything and knew how to deal with your feelings. I forgot that it was your body going through all the shit, that you were being poked and probed, your ovaries that had to be stimulated, your breasts that have been engorged and tender numerous times, not to mention the fucking bleeding and pain! I have no right to tell you how to feel or what to do. It’s my fault that you are going through all of this.” He pulled his hand away from her and ran it through his hair. His eyes had changed from the normal light blue to a darker, sapphire color, slowly filling with liquid as he tried desperately to control his emotions. “You are still so young, Daphne, you could find someone else; someone who can give you the family that I can’t. If you want a divorce, I won’t stand in your way.” He looked at her and his face had reverted back to the stone mask he had on earlier. His lips were again pinched and white, his breathing becoming a little more uneven as he attempted to do the honorable thing and give his wife a way out. Daphne was in shock listening to what was coming out of Alex’s mouth. She didn’t realize how hard this had been on him too and she felt sick to her stomach when she remembered all the horrible things she said last night. He was a victim here as well, he was suffering from a verdict that he had nothing to do with, a trick of fate that was foisted on him without any warning. She reached across the table, groping for his hands that were held together, clenched and tight. She managed to pry his fingers open and intertwined her hands with his. “You have every right to be angry Alex. I should have never said what I did, but I want you to know that I have no intention of getting a divorce, that has never crossed my mind! I realize that you had no knowledge of your sterility; I know that it was as much of a shock to you as it was to me and you are also dealing with your emotions. Intellectually I’m aware of all of that, however, emotionally, I’ve forgotten what you are going through as well.” Her misery showed clearly on her face, the tears now running unchecked. “I don’t want a divorce, Alex, you are my husband, we are partners. I made a commitment to you that I intend to keep, and furthermore, we love each other. At least, I still do,” she said, her eyes reflecting the truth of her statement. “And I still love you, beautiful, you know that hasn’t changed,” Alex’s deep blue eyes bore into her, making her stomach clench. “I love you more now than I ever did. It would be the most difficult thing in the world for me to have to let you go, but I would be willing to do it, if it’s what you want and if it will make you happier.” “No,” Daphne answered, shaking her head, “It’s not what I want, Alex. That will never happen if I have anything to do with it.” “Are you sure?” he asked. “I’m one hundred percent positive. I just don’t want us to have anymore secrets, Alex, no more surprises.” “I didn’t mean to keep my conversation with Brian a secret, Daphe. I was planning on telling you. You just beat me to the punch.” “Why did you even call him, Alex? If you needed to talk to someone, why didn’t you call Justin?” “Justin is your best friend, Daphne, and emotionally involved in this as well. I needed to talk to someone who could see the big picture, who would hear my thoughts on the matter without going crazy. From the little I know of Justin, I didn’t think he would be able to do that, whereas Brian seems to be more reasonable.” “Sometimes, he is. Usually though it’s Justin who’s much more level headed,” she replied. “Well, I didn’t know that, Daphe. I think that I was so shocked by your request the other night I needed a sounding board. I couldn’t very well call Steve and tell him what’s going on with us.” “Well, he is your best friend,” she said. “Not really. He’s my racquetball partner and an associate I happen to have known for a long time. I’m not comfortable talking to him about our problems.” “Okay. But what did you think you were going to accomplish by talking to Brian?” “Honestly, I’m not sure. I needed to know how he felt about all of this. Daphne, you’ve known these guys for almost fifteen years. I’ve only known them for a short time. You can’t expect me to be comfortable with the thought of turning over any parental rights to someone I don’t really know? It’s an unreasonable request, and I’m sure that if your hormones were not involved in this discussion you would agree.” “I guess so,” she conceded begrudgingly. “I’d like to give this some time,” he said, now rubbing his hand up and down her arm. “I’m not going to tell you that I will say yes when this time period is over, however, I need to think this through. I want to socialize with Brian and Justin, get to know them better, before I make any kind of decision that will alter our lives forever. Is this too much to ask?” “No, I suppose not,” she said. “If it’s any consolation, Alex, I really don’t think Justin is going to go for this whole idea. He’s not comfortable with it either.” “Oh? Why not?” Alex asked, surprised. “Because he doesn’t think it’s morally right, that he be part of creating a life and then walking away from it. He doesn’t think that he would be able to do that, not be a part of the child’s life, as a parent,” she said quietly. Vocalizing these thoughts only made the situation that much more hopeless. She knew that Justin’s decision would never be in her favor and the thought of having to deal with what would come next was killing her. She really would have preferred not to adopt, she wanted to have her own biological child, however, unless Justin changed his mind, she would have no choice. “Has he refused to do this?” Alex asked. “No,” she replied. “He says he’s still thinking about it, but I know him, Alex. He just won’t be able to walk away from his kid if we were to be successful in this. He would at least want to be acknowledged as the biological parent, and have some sort of say, I suppose, in some decisions that we make. I don’t really know how this would all play out. I haven’t thought that part through just yet,” she said miserably. “I just know that it’s all fucked up right now and it’s turning me into something I have always despised, a whiny, emotional wreck, and I’m getting real tired of this,” she said. “I think I should go on anti-depressants or something, although the side effects wouldn’t be good for my body.” “It might help short-term,” he replied. “I don’t think you need them though.” “You don’t think so? Can you stand me being this way for much longer? I sure as hell can’t,” Daphne replied, sounding more like herself. “What I think is that we should avoid making any decisions for now,” Alex said. “We all need to get off this emotional roller coaster we’ve been on for a while and try and get back to some semblance of normalcy. We have time to make decisions, Daphne. You’re only thirty three. Women are having children way into their forties these days.” “Alex,” Daphne said wide-eyed, “I’m willing to give you and Justin the time you need, but it’s not going to be open-ended. I’m not planning to wait till I’m forty to get pregnant!” “Hey,” he said, “I didn’t mean that we were going to wait that long. I’m just saying this is not a race, no one is chasing us. We have some time to decide.” “Not really,” Daphne replied. “You know that the older I get the harder it is to predict any kind of success with In Vitro. It’s better to do this while I’m still young and healthy.” “I know,” Alex replied. “But no one seems to be comfortable with any plan right now. Not me, not Brian and especially not Justin, from what you’ve just told me. I think that if we all take a breather for a while and get more comfortable with the whole idea, decisions will be easier to come by.” “I wonder if that’ll ever happen,” Daphne said. “It might, Daphne, things might work out. You need to be a little more patient, let all the players get more comfortable with the whole concept. In the meantime,” Alex said, standing up and moving over to her side. “Can we call a truce, please, so I can have my beautiful wife back? Will the real Dr. Chanders please stand up?” She looked up at him, at the patient and loving blue eyes that were staring at her and she knew then that she would do anything he asked. She adored him; that much she knew for a fact and no amount of time or conflict would change that. “Absolutely,” she answered, as she stood up and wrapped her arms around his neck pressing her body to his. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Across town, Max was putting away the dishes they had used after they polished off the Eggs Benedict that he had made for breakfast. Last night, he and Emmett had spent another wonderful evening together. Max couldn’t believe how much they were enjoying each other’s company. He didn’t dare call what they had a relationship, it was far too soon for that, however, he knew that this might possibly be it. Emmett could very well be the guy that he had been searching for all this time, the person who was going to make him happy and share a life with him. It had now been over three weeks since they had started going out yet he was as comfortable with Emmett as if they had been together for years. Emmett was thoughtful and romantic, funny as hell, intelligent and hard working and could charm the pants off anyone. He had an endless supply of stories that kept Max entertained and his ability to satisfy him in bed was an unexpected perk that continued to surprise and delight him. Emmett was a creative and generous lover; Max could see how being with an older and more experienced man could be an advantage. He was learning things from him that he had only heard and read about, but had never tried. Mainly because he had never been with anyone he was comfortable with or trusted enough to let go completely. Yet with Emmett, the fears were gone and everything seemed so natural and so right. He finished cleaning up in the kitchen, leaving the counter tops spotless, the way he liked it. He walked into the bedroom where Em lay on the bed, reading a book. “That was fun last night; having ‘Mr. J’ over for dinner,” Max said, as he took his shirt off and threw it in the corner hamper. “I thought he’d go ballistic seeing us together but instead he couldn’t have been happier for us. That was really nice.” “Yes, it was really nice. Justin would never go nuts over our being together,” Emmett said, taking off his reading glasses and looking up at Max. “Brian on the other hand is another story. He might be a bit disturbed,” Emmett replied. “Why?” Max asked. “Oh, I don’t know,” Emmett said. “Because you work for him and he doesn’t like to share. I don’t know, maybe he won’t mind either. I still get weirded out hearing you call Justin ‘Mr. J’. I’ve known him since he was seventeen years old. He was such a twink when I first laid eyes on him.” “I’m not comfortable calling him and Brian by their first names,” Max said, now taking off his pants and standing in front of Emmett in his underwear, looking like an ad for Calvin Klein. “They’ve asked me to but, I’d rather keep it formal, at least while I’m at work. Don’t ask me why, my mother always taught me to be respectful, so it’s an automatic reflex.” “Honey, you call them whatever you want,” Emmett said looking at him adoringly, admiring the perfectly sculpted body standing in front of him. “Was it love at first sight between him and ‘Mr. B’?” Max asked, as he sat down on the edge of the bed, facing Emmett. “It was more like lust at first sight,” Emmett said, running his hand across Max’s chest, playing with the curly brown hair that lightly layered it. “Brian was besotted with him. He couldn’t get enough of the blond boy’s ass, although he pretended that he didn’t care. It was years before he admitted they were even in a relationship. And Justin, oh-my-God, Max; he was Brian’s little stalker, wouldn’t leave him alone for a minute. He was totally obsessed with him, still is I suppose,” he said as an after thought. “Really?” Max asked. He grabbed Emmett’s hand away from his chest and started playing with his fingers. Nibbling on them and pressing his palm to his lips. “They are so much in love now; I can’t believe it wasn’t always like this.” “Honey, you have no idea! The word drama queen was invented especially for Justin Taylor. He and Brian have had so many ups and downs in their relationship, it was worse than any carnival ride you’ve ever been on. It certainly was entertaining, watching it from afar.” “I can’t imagine,” Max said. “They seem so grounded and secure with each other. They have inspired me for two years now to find the perfect man. Someone who will make me react the way I’ve seen them with each other.” “And sweetheart, you have found him, right here,” Emmett said, pulling Max down to lie beside him and taking him in his arms. Max lay on his back, unable to keep the big smile off his face, enjoying the feel of Emmett’s light kisses that were being peppered all over him. “How soon before they got married?” Max asked, going back to his study on the Kinney-Taylor relationship. “Oh, it was years, sweetheart…Lot’s of drama and heartache between then and now. We’re going to need at least two hours for that story and right now I’d rather use my mouth for something much more enjoyable than talking about Brian and Justin,” Emmett said, as he started his trek south towards the object of his desire. Max inhaled sharply as he felt Emmett pull his underwear off and his mouth closed around him causing him to quickly forgot what he was asking about in the first place. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Justin,” Brian whispered. He could barely croak out the words, his head hurt so bad. His mouth felt like something had died in it. There was no answer and Brian reluctantly opened his eyes, trying to focus and see what time it was. Where the fuck is he? “Justin,” he said again, this time a little louder. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and held his head in his hands. The throbbing was starting to accelerate. Why do I fucking do this to myself? He heard noises in the bathroom and he realized Justin was in the shower. He moved over to the side of the bed and slowly got off it, holding on to the headboard as the room spun around. He staggered into the bathroom, peed, then went over to the medicine cabinet to find the pills that would make the pain go away. “Hey,” Justin called out when he saw Brian. “Hey, nothing,” Brian said in a whisper. “Get in here, maybe the water will help,” Justin said. “No, I think I’ll go back to bed and die. Tell Max to make me a Bloody Mary and lace it with some poison to speed this along.” Justin got out of the shower and grabbed a towel off the heated rack. He quickly dried off, seeing that Brian was still standing in the middle of the room with his eyes closed. “You know, you are getting way too old to be abusing your body this way. How much fucking beer did you drink?” he asked. “I’m not sure. I stopped counting after eighteen.” “Jesus, Brian.” “You’re fault, Sunshine, you should have come home earlier,” Brian whined. “Come on,” Justin said, taking hold of Brian’s hand and moving him back into the bedroom. He gently sat him on the bed and propped the pillows up against his back and neck. “I’ll go get you something to drink,” Justin said. “No,” Brian replied, yanking Justin’s hand and pulling him down on the bed. “Get Max to do it.” “It’s Saturday, Brian. Max is off.” “Fuck…okay, you get it, but hurry, I think my brain is starting to leak out my ears,” Brian said, looking and sounding miserable. Justin stood up and went over to the walk-in closet to find some clothes. He threw on an old T-shirt and some shorts and headed out the door. He bumped into Gus who was coming into their room to check on everyone. “Hey, Gus,” Justin said. “You’re up early?” “I know. I was going to try and finish that painting I started the other day, but I wanted to check on Dad first. How’s he doing?” “Major hangover,” Justin said. “I’m on my way to the kitchen to make him something that might help. Go see for yourself.” Gus stuck his head in the door and saw his father sitting on the bed leaning up against the headboard with his eyes closed. “Hey Dad, you awake?” he called out. “Whoa, Sonny boy, turn the volume down,” Brian whispered. “Sorry, Dad,” Gus said, lowering his voice slightly. He came over to the side of the bed and touched Brian on his shoulder. “You don’t look so good, Dad.” “Ya think?” “’D’ went to get you something to make you feel better. This is what you get for drinking all those beers last night, Dad.” “Gus, please, no lectures right now. I know why the fuck I feel like shit. Don’t need you to remind me.” “Okay. Well, I’m going to be in the studio if you need me. Just yell if you want anything, okay Dad?” “Gus, yelling is not an option right now. I need to be inside a vacuum for a few hours so that the pounding in my head goes away. I’ll be better by lunch and we’ll do something, okay son?” “Sure, Dad, no biggy.” Gus made his way out the room just as Justin came back in carrying a large glass of tomato juice, with some sort of herbal remedy added to it. Emmett had given him the recipe years ago to make hangovers less lethal. He handed Brian the glass and sat on the side of the bed as he watched Brian drink. “Where were you last night?” Brian asked, still with his eyes closed. “I had dinner with Emmett and Max,” Justin answered. “Huh?” Brian opened his eyes and looked at Justin, stupefied. “Yeah, it seems that our young chef has hooked up with our old friend,” Justin replied with a little smirk on his face. “Wait a minute,” Brian said, holding on to Justin’s arm. “Did I just hear you tell me that Max, our Max, is fucking Emmett de la Renta?” “I didn’t exactly say that Brian, but yeah, that’s pretty much the bottom line.” “Holy Shit! Well, he can’t have him,” Brian said, pouting like a kid. “He’s mine.” “Oh don’t be ridiculous, Brian. You should be happy for them. They seem to be made for each other,” Justin said. “I guess,” Brian said, closing his eyes again. “One’s a top, the other’s a bottom, a perfect fit.” “Shut up Brian. You don’t have a romantic bone in your fucking body. They looked really happy last night; it was so cute to watch them.” “Cute? Justin, Emmett is near my age, I wouldn’t call that cute…more like pathetic and dirty old man-ish.” “Brian Kinney! I can’t believe you are queening over this! Emmett is not your age, he’s not even forty yet, and Max is certainly old enough to know what he’s doing, and I wouldn’t be talking about dirty old men if I were you…” Brian opened one eye and looked at Justin. “Meaning what, Sunshine?” “Well, I was only seventeen…” “Well over the legal age,” Brian replied. “And I was only twenty-nine. Besides, you can’t compare me to Emmett, God no, please don’t even go there.” “I’m not, but you need to stop stressing over this. I don’t think Max and Emmett are planning a wedding yet, Brian.” “Well, Emmett better not think he can steal Max for ‘Fabulous’ cause he’s my chef; I found him first.” “I’m sure he’s well aware of that.” “Fine,” Brian said. Just then the phone rang, causing Brian to put both his hands up over his ears and groan. “Hello,” Justin said, into the receiver. “Hi, Justin. It’s Daphne.” “Oh, hi Daphe.” “We were wondering if you guys would like to come over for dinner tonight?” “Dinner?” Justin said. “Yeah, Alex and I would like you to come over. Bring Gus; we’ll have a little barbeque on the terrace. Does that sound good?” “Brian,” Justin said, putting his hands over the phone. “Daphne wants us to have dinner at their place tonight.” “Whatever, Justin. You decide. But first, she owes me an apology; she was a total cunt yesterday!” Justin looked at him and made a silencing motion with his hand. “Okay, Daphne, we’ll come. How about six o’clock?” “Sounds good,” she said. “See you guys later.” “Maybe this is her way of apologizing, Brian,” Justin said as he hung up. “Not good enough. She needs to do some major sucking up, and I don’t mean that literally!” Brian said. “I’m sure she’d rather eat glass than suck on any of your body parts,” Justin replied stiffly. “Her loss,” Brian answered, with a naughty grin on his face. TBC