Karma is action, and Vipaka, fruit or result, is its reaction. Just as every object is accompanied by a shadow, even so every volitional activity is inevitably accompanied by its due effect. Karma is like potential seed. Vipaka could be likened to the fruit arising from the tree-the effect or result. Chapter 12 Brian sat in the dark in the great room at Britin Manor, staring at the giant TV screen, seeing nothing, hearing even less. He was well into his seventh beer, having reached for one as soon as he got home at six and realized that he was alone in the house. He had given up trying to reach Justin. Each time he heard the phone go straight to voice mail he got more and more frustrated. He’d been through every emotion starting with guilt, moving on to irritation, then anger and finally anxiety. The longer Justin remained silent and incommunicado, the more anxious he got. He had left him several messages, saying basically the same thing, “Where the fuck are you, call me.” He vaguely remembered Justin saying that Gus was with Debbie so he wasn’t too worried about his absence. In a way he was grateful that he wasn’t around to witness his meltdown. He couldn’t believe that Justin hadn’t returned a single call. That he was that angry. What the fuck was he supposed to do, give him a running commentary on his daily whereabouts? Did he honestly think that he and Alex were conspiring? He should be here, at home, talking with me, Brian thought to himself. If he’s that fucking pissed, then he should be here screaming and having his little tantrum instead of this silence. It was the silence that was killing Brian. He knew he could talk his way out of anything, but if there was no one to talk to, he was screwed. God only knew where the fuck Justin was. He couldn’t even begin to venture a guess. He’d already tried all the likely places with no luck! Well fuck him! And fuck Daphne and double fuck Alex Cherny! He stood up abruptly and made his way over to the bar in the corner of the room and opened the small refrigerator behind it to pull out another beer. He hated the thought of not knowing where Justin was. It was eating away at him…not knowing if he was alone or with someone; what he was thinking about. Leaving Justin by himself troubled and deep in thought, on the verge of any major decision, was always worrisome to Brian. Too many times in the past he had been the recipient of Justin’s internal battles, always holding his breath when Justin preceded a sentence with the phrase, “I’ve been doing some thinking.” I quit school, because I can’t paint anymore... I don’t need your help; I’ll become a Go-go dancer… I ‘m going to join the Pink Posse… I need to take a stand… I will not apologize to the board, Stockwell is a homophobe! I’m thinking of going to Hollywood to help with the Rage movie... Our relationship isn’t working for me… Why are we together? Brian’s stomach was in knots and the only thing he could do at this point was have another beer. He knew their relationship had evolved beyond the stage where Justin would do anything stupid; however, nothing that had happened in the last few weeks had been expected or ordinary. Who knew where this would end? He was tired of all of it. They had gone over this ad-nauseum; Justin knew exactly how he felt. What was left to say? He didn’t want another kid, he didn’t want Justin to help Daphne, he wanted to turn back the clock and pretend that it was still May and they were in Miami, fucking in the elevator. He picked up the phone and tried him again. No answer, again. He kicked at the coffee table, moving it a few feet, listening to the bottles clink against each other. Fuck him! It was now almost eleven. The two six-packs were empty and he was well into the third one. He leaned back on the sofa and must have dozed off for a minute because the next thing he heard were low voices murmuring outside in the hallway. He heard Gus saying, “Thanks a lot, Grandma Deb. I had lots of fun.” He sat up abruptly, hoping they wouldn’t come in to the room and see him. Then he heard Deb asking if Gus was sure his Dad was home. “Oh he’s here. His car’s in the driveway, he’s probably upstairs in his office.” “Okay then,” Debbie said, “If you’re sure, then I’ll get going.” “That’s fine,” Gus answered. “Thanks again for everything. I had a really good time.” You’re welcome, honey. Anytime. Feel free to call me and we’ll do this again,” Deb replied. Brian heard the front door close and then a car started up. He relaxed and leaned back on the sofa again. He was still holding a beer bottle in his hand, amazed that it hadn’t fallen on the floor while he napped. “Dad?” Gus called out, trying to figure out where he was. “Sonny Boy, I’m in here.” Fuck, I don’t want him to see me like this. “Hey Dad,” Gus said when he walked into the great room. “Why is the TV on mute? What are you doing here in the dark and where is ‘DJ’?” “Jesus Christ son. You’re getting to be more like your mother every day. Stop with the third degree, okay?” Gus looked at Brian then he looked at the coffee table. There were fourteen bottles lined up in a straight row, like little soldiers on parade. The ashtray was heaped with cigarettes and Brian was still in his work clothes. He had taken off his shoes and socks and had thrown his jacket on one of the sofas, but he still had a dress shirt on and his tie was hanging loose around his neck. He’s drunk out of his mind! Gus had never seen Brian this way before. He’d been around when his parents had parties or friends over. He’d seen them all drinking, but no one had ever gotten falling-down drunk, especially not Brian. Gus was used to his parents entertaining and serving booze, maybe once in a while he’d seen Brian a little tipsy and having fun, but this was the first time he’d seen him really and truly drunk. “You didn’t answer me, Dad. Where is ‘Daddy J’?” “How the fuck should I know!” Brian answered, avoiding Gus’ eye. “Have you eaten anything, Dad? Why don’t I make us something to eat?” “Didn’t you just have dinner with Grandma Deb? How could you possibly have room for more food?” Brian asked in disgust. He lifted the beer bottle to his mouth and took a large gulp. The taste was no longer bringing him any pleasure, quite the contrary, it was making him nauseous and he knew he should stop; he just didn’t have the impetus to do it. He could see that Gus was staring at him and he wished he would go upstairs and leave him alone in his misery. The last thing he needed at this point was someone sitting in judgement, especially when that someone was his son. “I always have room for food, Dad. We had dinner hours ago; I’ll go make us some sandwiches,” Gus said, bringing up the subject of food again. “Don’t bother, you know I never eat carbs at night,” Brian said with a straight face. Gus looked at all the beer bottles on the table, shook his head and said, “Well, you’ll just have to make an exception tonight, cause I hate to eat by myself, okay Dad?” “Whatever,” Brian said sullenly. Gus went to the kitchen and started to make his father a sandwich. He was a little worried, not so much because Brian was drunk, but because he and Justin had obviously had a fight. Gus was used to Melanie and Lindsay’s fights. They had them all the time. They were yelling and arguing one minute and kissing and making up the next. It wasn’t a big deal; he knew they would always come around and resolve whatever the problem was. This was the first time that he had been around to witness a fight between his two Dads. They never had fights in front of him. In fact, they seemed like the ideal couple in Gus’ eyes. Seeing Brian this way tonight was certainly an eye opener. He finished making the turkey and cheese sandwiches, grabbed two bottles of soda and threw everything on a tray and brought it out to the great room. Brian had not moved from his spot in front of the sofa. He had only added one more dead bottle to the line facing him on the coffee table. “Come on, Dad. Here’s the sandwich. Let’s turn up the volume of the TV and eat, okay?” “Don’t want to eat, Sonny Boy. Not hungry…” Gus reached over to his Dad and held his arm gently. “Come on, Dad, please? Eat something. You’ve had enough beer for one night.” Brian looked at his son and felt shame for the first time in a long time. He hated having Gus see him this way. He didn’t want Gus to know that he had clay feet, that he wasn’t perfect in every way. For years Brian had set out to prove to himself and to Gus that he was a good father, far better than anything Jack Kinney ever was. And he had succeeded. He was a great dad, he got along with Gus famously and they had nothing but respect for each other. He didn’t want tonight to be the cause of any of that respect being tarnished, even a little bit. He leaned forward and put the beer bottle on the table, pushing it away. “You’re right Sonny Boy. I’ve had enough. What’s in the sandwich?” “Your favorite, Dad. Turkey and cheese, here, take your plate.” “Okay,” Brian said, reaching out for the plate and taking a bite of the sandwich that he neither wanted nor tasted. He did his best to choke it down, as well as the dread in the pit of his stomach as he thought about Justin and where he could possibly be. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Across town Justin and Emmett had just finished the delicious dinner that Max had prepared for them. He had made Beef Stroganoff with egg noodles on the side, a salad and chocolate mousse for desert. He had done all of it while Justin and Emmett were talking, refusing their help and barring them from the kitchen. He was in his element and was not about to have anyone in his way. He had rearranged Emmett’s kitchen days ago because nothing was where it was supposed to be and it was driving him crazy not knowing which cupboard contained what. Even though Emmett had the best pans, the best utensils, the best ingredients and spices available, nothing was accessible or even visible. Max spent half the time looking for things that were stuffed away somewhere, some still in their original wrappings, ignored and forgotten. He had finally arranged everything to his satisfaction and the resulting meals that came out of the kitchen were a testimony to his comfort level. “Oh-my-God,” Emmett said, “Can this man cook or what.” “I know,” Justin groaned. “I think I’ve gained ten pounds since he started working for us two years ago.” “Well, you were too skinny to begin with anyway, Honey,” Emmett said to his friend. “I, on the other hand, do not need to gain one ounce,” he said, looking at Max who sat across from him with a satisfied smile on his face. “You are both obsessive about your weight,” Max said. “I’ve never seen two guys in better shape. You can afford to eat once in a while. Besides, I love to watch people eat my food.” He laughed and said, “It’s the Jewish mother gene in me.” Justin smiled when he heard that. “I guess Brian has rubbed off on me in more ways than one. I never worried about what I put into my mouth until he and I got married and I had to listen to his constant rants about fat and caloric intake. I guess once in a while its okay to indulge, Max, but the problem is, with you around, it’s not once in a while. It’s an everyday occurrence, one that I am very grateful for, but my scale says differently.” “You look just fine, sweetie,” Emmett said. “Better than fine, if that’s even possible. And I’m sure Brian would agree with me.” Justin glanced at his watch and said, “Speaking of Brian, I should really get going. It’s late and I’m sure he’s probably pissed because I haven’t returned any of his calls and he doesn’t have a clue where I’m at.” “You can call him,” Emmett said. “That’s okay,” Justin shook his head. “I’ll deal with it when I get home.” He stood up, picked up his plate and wine glass and took them to the kitchen. “Just leave everything in the sink, Justin. We’ll take care of it,” Emmett said. “Okay,” Justin replied. “Thanks so much for dinner, Em, and for listening,” Justin said as he pulled his jacket out of the hall closet and put it on. “I really needed to talk to someone and you were great, as usual.” “Honey, you call me anytime you need to talk. A girl can always use a shoulder to cry on and you know I’m always up for that.” Justin laughed. “I’m really happy that you and Max have hooked up. He’s a great guy; you both deserve each other,” Justin said smiling at his friend. “Honey, I feel like I’m twenty-three again, it’s like I’ve just won the lottery! He makes me incredibly happy, I can’t believe that you’ve had him at your house all this time and I’ve just met him,” Emmett said shyly. “Well, there must be a reason for that,” Justin said. “Maybe we were saving him, just for you.” “Whatever it is, I’ll take it,” Emmett said, clapping his hands and smiling broadly. “Bye Max, thanks for dinner,” Justin called out to Max who was in the kitchen. “Hey, my pleasure, Mr. J.” “Isn’t he the best?” Emmett gushed, unable to contain his excitement. “He’s great,” Justin reiterated. He gave Emmett a hug, grabbed his keys which were lying on the table in the foyer and left. In the car, Justin thought about his evening with Emmett and the very surprising and somewhat enlightening talk he had with him. He felt oddly comforted, hopeful that there might possibly be a solution to his dilemma. Emmett had talked about a whole new approach to viewing the world, something Justin had never really taken the time to explore or study. The conversation had started with him giving Emmett a brief overview of his inner conflict and the tension at home between him and Brian over the situation with Daphne. Emmett was a gossip and could be a huge drama queen, but he was first and foremost a true and loyal friend and he had never in all the years Justin had known him betrayed a confidence. Justin felt pretty sure that this secret would be safe with him. Emmett had listened to what Justin had to say. He was surprised when he heard what was going on, and more surprised at Daphne’s request and subsequent attitude. He had known her almost as long as he knew Justin and he never remembered her being this selfish or inconsiderate, in fact, he had found her to be one of the most caring people he had ever known, especially when it came to Justin. He wrote the whole thing off as a temporary female aberration, reassuring Justin that she would eventually return to her normal self. He then talked about the time in his life shortly after he and Drew Boyd had broken up. He had been completely devastated, he told Justin, regretting the fact that he had released Drew to put him back in the water, so to speak. In retrospect, he felt that he should have kept him. He should have fought for him, should have insisted that they stay together and not let him go off and sow his wild, suddenly discovered gay oats! If he had put his foot down maybe they would still be together. Instead, he had let him go; leaving himself completely alone, surrounded by people in good relationships. All his friends had finally found the loves of their life. Michael had Ben. Teddy had Blake. And Brian and Justin would eventually end up together; there was never any doubt in Emmett’s mind about that. Even Debbie had Carl! He, on the other hand, was alone and lonely, and contemplating suicide. He was desperate, delving into the world of over-eating, over-drinking and having way too much indiscriminate sex with nameless one-night stands. He was having a walking nervous breakdown, sunk in a deep depression and no one knew it except him. Even after Channel 5 had started a whole new show for him, he continued on his path of self destruction, clandestinely, still managing to function at work. One day he was asked to interview a couple of men who had been trapped in an avalanche in the Sierra mountains in California. When he asked them how they had survived six days, trapped, without food or water, they each said that they were Buddhists and believed in the teachings of Buddha and this had kept them alive and sane. Emmett was intrigued by this answer. This was certainly not the first time he had heard about Buddhism; Ben Bruckner was the first one to talk about it years ago when he and Michael had hooked up and Emmett had first met him. The problem was that at that time, Emmett was either not listening to a word that Ben had to say on the topic or he equated Ben’s interest in Buddhism with his HIV status. He figured that it was just Ben’s way of coping with his disease. Emmett had categorized it as holistic medicine, just another part of Ben’s health regimen, and never gave it much more thought. When he interviewed the two guys that had been trapped in the avalanche it was like a light bulb went off in his head and he remembered how calm and peaceful Ben always was, in spite of the fact that he was walking around with a time bomb in his body that could go off at any minute. He decided to look into the religion on his own, without bothering Ben or Michael because he didn’t really want to become the talk of the town, a certainty once Michael and Debbie got wind of his problems. He just wanted to do it on his own. What he discovered was a wonderful new way of looking at the world. It made so much sense to him, much more sense than any of the religious spouting he had heard throughout the years from his Aunt Lula, all his teachers, and every priest and shrink he had known in his entire life. It brought him comfort and a lot of answers to questions that were plaguing him. The more he studied it, the more peace he derived and soon he had completely converted. He showed Justin the small area in his house that he had turned into a Buddhist shrine. The incense burned twenty-four hours a day. He explained the basics of Buddhism, the importance of meditation and offered to help Justin find enlightenment, if he so chose. Justin was interested. He felt that at this point in time he had nothing to lose and everything to gain. He knew he was at a crossroad in his life, a point where the wrong decision would affect him and Brian forever. He didn’t want to make a poor decision. He wanted to make sure that he had explored all his options; that he had thought the whole thing through. He didn’t know if Emmett’s way would solve the problem, but it certainly was food for thought. First things first though. He needed to go home and deal with Brian. God only knew what he had been up to since he had slammed the phone on him earlier this afternoon. It was almost midnight and they hadn’t spoken since then. He was pretty sure Brian was livid right now, wondering where the fuck he was. Tough shit, he thought. He should have told me about his meeting with Alex. He roared into the driveway at Britin, not caring who he woke up. He killed the engine of the Targa and got out of his car. He opened the front door and the first thing he saw was Gus, sitting on the stairs, waiting up for him. Oh fuck, I forgot about him! “Gus! What are you doing up at this hour?” “Waiting for you,” Gus said, looking pretty miserable. “Where were you?” “I’m sorry, Baby, I should have called. I had dinner with Emmett.” “Oh,” Gus said, sounding relieved. “Where’s Dad?” Justin asked. “I put him to bed about twenty minutes ago,” Gus said. “You put him to bed?” Justin asked, trying to understand the sentence. “Yeah, he was pretty drunk. He was babbling on about twats and cell phones and inconsiderate people who leave their voice mail on instead of answering the phone. It was pretty funny, actually,” Gus said, smiling, remembering Brian’s mini-rant. “The fuck it was,” Justin said, annoyed. “Yeah, but it’s all good, he’s asleep now, and you’re home. I’m going to bed.” He got up, jumped down the two steps and gave Justin a hug. He clung to Justin for a minute then pulled away and looked down at him seriously and said, “Don’t do that again, okay ‘DJ’?” “What?” Justin asked, looking up at Gus who was a good head taller than him. “Fight with him and then disappear. He loves you so much, he was queening, big time,” Gus said, looking at Justin with Brian’s hazel eyes. “Sorry, Baby,” Justin replied sheepishly. Justin kissed Gus on his cheek and ruffled his hair. “Go to bed, son, I’ll see you in the morning.” “Night, ‘D’,” Gus said. “Night, Gus. I love you,” Justin said quietly. “Me too,” Gus called over his shoulder as he made his way upstairs. Justin climbed the stairs and went down the hall to the bedroom he shared with Brian. He thought about Gus’ statement, about Brian queening. He knew that he had over-reacted this afternoon after he got off the phone with Daphne. He was just irritated that everyone seemed to be intent on making a decision for him when in actuality he had not made any headway in deciding anything at all. That was probably what annoyed him the most. He still didn’t know what the fuck to do! Gus had left a small lamp on so that it cast enough light for him to get around without banging into anything. He went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. He removed his clothes, threw them in the hamper, took a piss and then went back into the bedroom. As he got into bed he noticed that Gus had removed all of Brian’s clothes, except for his underwear. Getting under the covers, he pulled the duvet over his shoulder and made his way over to Brian’s side of the bed. All the anger he felt earlier today had evaporated as soon as he saw Gus and heard that Brian had been so upset. He pressed his face up against Brian’s neck, and then he wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him up against him. He smelled like the Corona distillery, but Justin didn’t care. He just needed to have him in his arms. His emotions overtook him quickly, surprising him with their intensity as he felt little pinpricks of tears at the back of his eyes, threatening to overflow. He felt an overpowering urge to wake Brian and tell him how much he loved and needed him, in spite of the drama that had occurred this afternoon. He thought about their lovemaking earlier in the day and that thought sustained him, calming him a bit, knowing that Brian would always be there for him, no matter how stupid or irrational he was behaving. “Sunshine?” Brian stirred, awakening instantly as soon as he felt Justin’s arms around him. “Yeah, I’m home.” “What time is it? Where the fuck were you?” Brian slurred quietly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t call,” Justin said in a whisper. “Sorry is bullshit, Justin.” Justin answered by holding Brian tighter, pulling him closer to his body, feeling his butt pressed up against his stomach. He kissed him softly on his neck, inhaling his special scent. Tonight it was a combination of after-shave, cigarettes and beer. Normally, not a good mix, but this evening it only brought Justin the comfort and peace that he needed. It was a Brian smell, a smell that meant he was home with the man he loved. Brian turned over slowly and looked into the deep blue eyes that stared back at him. Eyes filled with love and regret, glistening in the dark. “Justin…I’m sorry…” Justin caressed Brian’s face, moving his hand down his cheeks towards his mouth. He put his thumb over Brian’s mouth, silencing him and said, “Shh…sorry is bullshit...I know you meant to tell me…eventually. I’m sorry I yelled at you…sorry I didn’t come home...sorry for being such a fucking idiot.” “You’re not an idiot, except when you turn your fucking phone off,” Brian said in a whisper, trying to sound angry but failing miserably. The reality was that he was so relieved Justin was home, all he wanted to do was hold him and feel him close to him. “I love you, you little shit. Don’t you know that?” Brian asked as he took Justin’s face in his hands. “I know,” Justin answered. “I love you too.” “How could you ever think I would do anything to hurt you? I would rather die first,” Brian whispered, still half-way drunk from all the booze he had consumed and more emotional than usual. He pressed his forehead to Justin’s and took a ragged breath. “I was so worried about you tonight,” he choked out, unable to finish his sentence. “God, Brian, stop…please…don’t cry,” Justin begged as he watched a tear roll down Brian’s cheek. He wiped it away gently and kept his hand on Brian’s face. “Promise me you’ll never do this again, okay?” Brian asked. “I promise,” Justin answered, pressing his mouth to Brian’s. TBC