Karma refers to the totality of our actions and their concomitant reactions in this and previous lives, all of which determines our future. The conquest of karma lies in intelligent action and dispassionate reaction. Not all Karma rebounds immediately. Some accumulates and returns unexpectedly in this or other births. Chapter 7 Brian sat at the wheel of his car. He was going at least ninety miles an hour but was oblivious to the speed. All he wanted to do was get home and talk to Justin, the sooner the better. If he had a helicopter he would have chosen that means of transportation. Cynthia was surprised when he had come storming out of his office telling her to cancel all his appointments for the day. It was so unlike him to do that. Maybe years ago he could follow his whims and take time off whenever he felt like it, but in recent years it had not been like that. They were far too busy and Brian’s schedule with clients was run like a fine Swiss watch. Everything was synchronized perfectly and one glitch would affect days of scheduling. He didn’t care at this point. He needed to go home and see Justin, hold him and tell him he knew. No wonder Sunshine was a mess! Jesus, if Lindsay had called him out of the blue and asked him to sleep with her, no matter how good the reason, he would be having a nervous breakdown as well. Brian felt sorry for Daphne but he also refused to even contemplate what she had suggested. It was ludicrous! That was something people dreamed about on the staff of the Enquirer or Star magazine. It was not something he was going to be a part of, nor was Justin. Hadn’t she ever heard of adoption, for Christ’s sake? Fuck, fuck and double fuck! Did Alex even know that she had suggested that? Surely he wouldn’t approve of the idea? No man in his right mind would be happy with the thought of his partner having sex with someone else, for whatever reason. He couldn’t imagine that Dr. Alex Cherny would have any part in this. This was all Daphne, whose mind seemed to be seriously affected by her recent tragedies. She needed to get on Prozac and get on with her life, for fuck’s sake. This was all bullshit! Brian mentally ranted and raved until he got to Britin. He roared into the gates and came to a screeching halt. He left the car in the middle of the circular driveway and entered the house through the side door in the kitchen. “Justin!” He yelled out. The kitchen was empty; he made his way into the house and took the stairs up to the studio. That too was empty. No sign of Gus or Justin. He moved over to the window that looked out onto the backyard and saw them by the pool, sunning themselves. Even Max was out there, chatting with them. Breathing a sigh of relief he turned and headed out the door. He stopped at their bedroom, took off his coat and threw it on the bed. He looked at himself in the mirror and didn’t really like what he saw there. He looked completely out of control and he had to will himself to stop and take a deep breath. Justin would freak even more if he saw him this way, home from work at an odd time, queening. That wasn’t what he wanted. He needed to be calm and in control so that Justin would in turn feel comfortable talking to him and dealing with Daphne’s issues without having to worry about Brian’s reactions. It didn’t matter that he was freaking on the inside. Brian knew that ridiculous as this whole thing sounded, Justin must be thinking about it or he would have opened up and spilled the beans a long time ago. This was the part that was the most worrisome. The fact that he hadn’t told Brian about that conversation was a sure indication that he was actually fucking thinking about it! He moved into his dressing room and pulled out a pair of swimming trunks. He undressed, pulled on the black pants, grabbed a towel and his sunglasses and headed on down to the pool. “Dad,” Gus yelled when he saw him approaching, “You’re home early!” “Hey Gus, I got lucky. My meetings were canceled for the day so I decided to come home and join you guys.” Brian walked up to Gus and kissed him on the cheek. He moved over to where Justin was and pulled him into his arms and kissed him on the mouth. “So early?” Justin said, surprised to see him. “Yeah, I had the time. It was such a beautiful afternoon and when I called and no one answered, I assumed you’d be out by the pool, so here I am.” “That’s nice,” Justin said with a smile. He caressed Brian’s face and kissed him again. Brian could tell he was genuinely happy to see him. His body language told him in more ways than his words that he was happy he was home. It was such a relief to be here and have him up close; he pushed Daphne out of his mind for now and decided to shelf the conversation for another time. No sense in getting anyone upset today. “Max,” Brian said. “Yeah, Mr. B, what can I get you?” “Why don’t you grab me a cold beer and then get changed and join us in the water?” “I’ll get the beer but I’ve got to get started on dinner. I promised Gus I’d make his favorite tonight.” “Ribs?” Brian asked. “Yup,” Max replied. “Apparently they don’t make ribs in Toronto the way he likes them.” “God, I can feel my arteries clogging already,” Brian said, anticipating the amazing meal Max was going to prepare. “Make me a big salad while you’re at it, okay? Maybe if I have that I won’t be tempted by the ribs,” Brian asked, knowing damn well he’d eat the ribs. “Sure, no problem Mr. B,” Max said. Brian took off his sunglasses and placed them on the table along with his towel. He went over to the side of the pool and dove in. The water was cool and refreshing and was just what he needed to clear his head and get Daphne out of his mind. There would be time to discuss her later, in the privacy of their room. Gus didn’t need to be privy to any of this. He would never understand Daphne’s request because it was unbelievable and something they only dreamed up in Hollywood. A fifteen-year old would never understand. Hell, he was forty-five and he didn’t understand her thought process. And it had nothing to do with her being a female; it was just bizarre, period! Justin continued to lie on the lounge chair beside the pool. He watched as Brian did his laps, pretending nothing was out of the ordinary. Justin knew something was wrong the moment he saw Brian coming down the steps towards them with a towel in his hand. The last time Brian Kinney had taken an afternoon off for no reason was so long ago he couldn’t remember what the reason was. It was probably that time he had his eye surgery, but even then, he had an excuse. Today was completely unexpected and out of character. Brian’s radar must be working overtime again, Justin thought to himself. He knows I’m fucked up and he wants to know why. Well, I suppose we may as well talk about it once and for all and get this out of the way. I need to vocalize my feelings so that he can tell me how stupid I am for even contemplating this. No one but Brian had the ability to throw the truth in his face like a bucket of cold water and shock him to his senses. He’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous and sentimental and I should stop thinking about Daphne and babies in general. Our lifestyle would never accommodate a new child. We are both too busy and neither one of us would be able to see to the child’s needs. Sure, a good nanny would be easy to find, but is this what I want, to finally have my own biological child only to have it raised by a nanny? And what are we going to do with the mother of the child? Daphne wasn’t something that was going to go away. Furthermore, she and her husband would never let me have access to the baby, so the point is moot. He was doing it again; running the same issues round and round in his head, like a rat in a maze. There was just no way out of this dilemma. Brian swam over to the side of the pool close to where Justin lay. He pulled himself up and out of the water, moving over to Justin. He stood over him shaking his head to rid it of the extra moisture. He looked beautiful as Justin stared up at him, almost as beautiful as he did that night at the loft so many years ago when he poured the bottled water over his face. The sun was bouncing off the drops of water on his body, causing him to glisten like some kind of ethereal creature standing there. For the first time in days Justin could feel himself responding to Brian sexually without any prompting on his lover’s part. Brian saw the physical reaction instantly and gave Justin his most wicked smile as he sat down on the same chair beside him and pulled a towel over Justin’s lap to hide the evidence. He looked over his shoulder to see where Gus was and found that he was busy doing laps again. Max had gone into the house so they were pretty much audience-free. He kissed Justin as his hand slid under the towel, moving in the general direction of the ever-growing erection that was waiting for him. He slipped his hand under the elastic and glided it slowly across Justin’s stomach and downward, feeling the soft hair that surrounded his now very rigid penis. He took Justin in his hand, encircling the impressive girth and began to stroke and massage as Justin moaned into his mouth; his breathing changing and quickening. Brian rubbed his thumb around the head, feeling the drops of liquid that appeared like magic, lubricating the area, allowing his finger to slide and stroke effortlessly. “Get off Sunshine, come for me, now!” Brian whispered, as he continued to manipulate him. Brian’s erection was straining against his shorts as well but his sole focus was on the beautiful man he was holding. “Fuck,” Justin shuddered and groaned, “I haven’t had a hand job from you in public in ages.” “I know,” Brian said, “It’s fucking hot; you are fucking hot and I can’t wait to get you upstairs and put my mouth on your beautiful ass and eat you.” “Jesus,” Justin said, reacting to those words and Brian’s busy hand. He could feel himself almost there, straining, getting ready to shoot all over the towel. One more pull and it was over. He felt himself coming as he clenched Brian around the neck with both arms, hiding his face in his shoulder and whimpering as the fluid poured out of him. “Oh, my God,” he huffed out, feeling himself turn to mush as Brian continued to hold on to him, whispering obscenities in his ear. Brian moved Justin away from him and pushed him back on the lounge chair. Justin’s eyes were two shades darker, glazed over with lust. His mouth was red and swollen, slightly open as he gulped in air, trying to get back his equilibrium that had just been upended. “You are out of this world! You know that, don’t you?” Justin said, looking at Brian with a completely satisfied look on his face. Brian saw his partner and felt his heart turn over. The man so owned him, it was crazy! He never tired of looking at him. “No, you are,” Brian said softly, “I love you, Sunshine. Tell Gus we’re going inside to change, I can’t walk over there. I seem to have this rather large problem that needs your attention asap,” Brian said. Justin laughed and shoved another towel at Brian as they both stood up to go into the house. Justin yelled at Gus over his shoulder, telling him to stay in the water as long as he wanted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was almost midnight and they were sitting in bed watching television. Dinner had been a gastronomic extravaganza that Max seemed to accomplish effortlessly. Bones were piled high on three plates, even though Brian had sworn he would not touch the ribs. Pushing away any of Max’s food was nearly impossible. Max had cleared out the kitchen shortly after they had begun eating and had left for the night. Gus was in his room, asleep. Justin was on his side, rubbing his hand up and down Brian’s arm, trying to distract him from listening to the news. “Hey,” Justin said. “Turn off the set and look at me.” Brian complied and reached for the remote. He switched the television to radio and listened as soft jazz started to filter through the speakers. He lay down beside Justin and turned over on his side to stare into the cobalt orbs that were looking at him. “You know, don’t you?” Justin asked him. “Yeah,” Brian said. “How?” “I called Daphne and asked her what was going on.” “Did she tell you everything?” Justin asked nervously. “Oh, yeah,” Brian said. “Can you believe it?” Justin said. Brian huffed out a soft laugh. “It’s pretty incredible, but I guess it’s real in her head. I don’t understand why she thinks you would be remotely interested in helping her this way. It’s ridiculous!” Brian said. “Well, maybe because I’m her best friend,” Justin answered softly. “You’re her best friend, Justin. Not her husband!” “I know, Brian. But he can’t help her right now and she’s desperate, clutching at straws.” “Be that as it may, it’s still ludicrous! It’s a pathetic plot and it would have never made it beyond the script stage, on any venue!” Brian pointed out. “It’s not that ridiculous,” Justin said, starting to get a little defensive. “Excuse me?” Brian asked. “Well, you did it for Lindsay,” Justin said irately, “And Michael helped out Melanie.” “Whoa, back up a minute there, Sunshine,” Brian said, starting to get a little defensive himself. “First of all,” Brian said, “Lindsay and Melanie are lesbians. There was no husband in sight. I can understand them not wanting to go to a sperm bank and using some unknown donor. That makes perfect sense, and furthermore, neither one of them asked me or Michael to have sex with them!” Brian spat out. Justin sat up and crossed his legs. He grabbed a pillow and held it against his chest as he listened to Brian. “I know; that part is not cool,” Justin said. “NOT COOL? It’s so not cool it’s fucking insane!” Brian said. “Stop queening, Brian,” Justin said calmly, “I never even considered that, and I told her in no uncertain terms.” “Okay,” Brian said, backing off a little bit. “At least we agree on that much. So, why are you still stressing over this?” he asked. “Because,” Justin said, reluctantly, “There is a part of me that wants to do this, to donate my sperm, to have my own child.” Brian heard that and felt like a knife was just twisted into his gut. “You have a child, Justin,” Brian said quietly. “No, Brian,” Justin said, with tears in his eyes, “You have a child. Gus is only mine because I love him and he loves me. He is my child through marriage, through osmosis, through whatever you want to call it. He is the child of my heart, I was there when he was born; I fucking picked his name, for God’s sake!” Justin looked at Brian and felt his tears flowing freely down his face, his misery now apparent to both of them. Brian reached for Justin and took him in his arms. He held him and pressed his face to his hair, inhaling the smell of the shampoo that they both shared. He could feel Justin’s tension as he tried unsuccessfully to control the tears, confused and disturbed by all these new feelings. Justin didn’t want to hurt Brian or Gus, yet he was unable to stop this yearning he now had to have his own biological child. It seemed that Daphne’s problem had just opened up a Pandora’s Box and they were both surprised by the contents. “Have you really thought this through, Justin?” Brian asked quietly into Justin’s ear. Justin pulled away from Brian and stared at him. The beautiful hazel eyes with their intoxicating mix of brown and gold and green were muted tonight, the pain and confusion showing through as they stared right back at him. Brian remained calm though, as he desperately tried to understand what Justin was going through. Brian didn’t understand this need to have a child; it was not something he had ever experienced himself. Lindsay had wanted Gus. Brian had only gone along for the ride and would have happily gone through life without ever experiencing fatherhood. However, the fact was, Gus was here, and a reality, and a huge part of his life. That was undeniable. Brian couldn’t imagine a life without him. His moments with his son had been the most rewarding of his life; he would never change that for a minute. So, depriving Justin would have been as bad as depriving Gus of ever having a life to begin with. “I’ve thought of nothing else, Brian. It’s making me crazy and I need you to help me with this decision,” Justin said. “It’s a little bit different though, with Daphne,” Brian said. “She is married and will probably not want to acknowledge you as the father, isn’t that right?” he asked. “Right,” Justin said, taking in a huge ragged breath. His head hurt from all the crying and his eyes felt all hot and itchy, but it was such a relief to get this out in the open and talk about it with Brian. Even though he knew that Brian was hurting inside. “I’m not sure what it is you want me to say, Justin. It seems this problem is two-fold. You can’t really help Daphne by donating your sperm because she will have a child of yours that you can’t acknowledge or raise. Secondly, even if you did find a way to help her out somehow, that leaves the problem of you now wanting your own kid. I thought you were happy? Didn’t you just tell me the other night how complete you were?” Brian asked, looking away from Justin so that he wouldn’t see the pain in his eyes. Justin heard the pain though. He heard it and it made his stomach heave, knowing he was deliberately hurting the person he most loved in this world. “I am happy Brian. I’m fulfilled in my career, our marriage is stronger than it ever was. Please, don’t think I’m not happy,” Justin said, reaching over to turn Brian so he was looking at him once more. “This has nothing to do with us,” Justin tried to explain. “For years I have loved and nurtured our son, enjoying our time with him, loving it when he calls me “Daddy J” knowing he loves me as much as any son could love a father. Gus is an amazing child, he is such a special human being, I feel blessed to be a part of his life, to share in the raising of him, even though it is part-time.” “Then why, Justin? Why is there this need all of a sudden to have another child?” “I don’t know, Brian. I’m not sure myself and this is what’s making it so confusing and painful. I guess that when I heard Daphne’s request, I realized that I could have my own child as well, if I wanted to. I could find someone who would be willing to carry the baby for me. I never thought I would have that option.” “A surrogate?” Brian asked, surprised. “Maybe, I’m not sure. I really would have preferred the mother to be someone I know, like Daphne, but then it would get too complicated.” “It’s always complicated, Justin. Even under the most normal circumstances, deciding to have a child is a huge decision. We’re not talking about a puppy that can be returned if we decide we can’t deal with it. We are talking about a human being, someone who will be in our lives forever, till we are both dead.” Brian said reasonably. “And I know we’ve been incredibly lucky with Gus. He’s such a great person and we get along with him so well. That doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen again. Look at me and Claire. We come from the same mother and father and two more different people never existed,” Brian said with conviction. “And being Gay makes it even more complicated,” Brian continued. “We can’t just roll over, fuck and then run to the drug store in a month to buy an early pregnancy test. Everything we do has to be deliberate and planned out. We would have to legally adopt the child to make sure we had all parental rights, so whoever was to carry the baby would have to be willing to give up theirs. This all takes time and planning and money, which is really beside the point, but it’s a reality that you need to address.” “And lastly,” Brian said, “have you thought about how this is going to affect our lifestyle? Right now we come and go as we please, flying all over the country as business calls. That will have to stop if we have a baby in the house. One of us will have to stay home; or were you planning on having the child raised by a nanny? Are you willing to change the way you live? I don’t think I want to do that,” Brian said with finality to his statement. “In fact, I know I don’t want to do that.” Justin looked stricken as he listened to Brian talk. He heard everything he was saying; he knew Brian was right, on every point. And yet… TBC