This is a companion piece to "I Do"-musings by Brian It seems I do things in twos. Mouse wrote about half of this and the part about the silver vase is all hers. What a wonderful mind she has-as well as being a kick-ass beta for me. Lois “With This Ring”-Musings by Justin When did I know I loved Brian? Even though I thought it was the night I met him, it really wasn’t until he came to get me in New York when I ran away. As he pounded into me, he looked at me, but more than that, I felt he also looked into me, my soul. Something changed in me that night. I wasn’t some scared teenage faggot any more. I think we both grew up a bit that night. Others told him he had to go get me, but what no one realizes is that you can’t make Brian Kinney do anything he doesn’t want to do. He may have said he wasn't going to come after me, but that was just to save face and maintain everyone's image of him. I wish everyone would see what I have always seen in this man. Brian Kinney feels deeply, loves deeply. He just has a problem letting himself go. He doesn’t want to be hurt so he tries to hurt first. But he has learned his lesson, as I have learned mine. He has helped me grow into the best homosexual I can be and I have simply helped him grow into the man that he already was, though hidden deep within, buried underneath layers of protection. The more I learn about being a gay man, the more I realize that it had to be fate that had me meeting Brian under that streetlamp and going home with him. I have seen and heard stories from other young men that did not have a patient and gentle guide for their first time, or second or third… My life could have turned out so differently had I met someone else that night. That night, so full of firsts. I saw Brian on so many levels that night: the predatorial stud, an exciting and patient lover, but the memory that comes back to me time and time again was when I saw Brian with his son for the first time. …to see him holding his son in his arms and looking at him with awe and love; how can the people that he calls friends refuse to see that loving, vulnerable person that has always been so obvious to me? Maybe he saw something in me that night as well. I am still shocked when I think of how he turned to me instead of his best friend who was standing right next to me, in order to ask about his son's name. He trusted me with something so precious and every time I look at his son, our son, I find myself remembering that moment. I'm grateful for that memory, being a person that doesn't take something as simple as remembering for granted God, I wish I could remember the prom. All I can remember is asking Brian at Babylon if he would be my date and him telling me that he wouldn’t be caught dead in a room full of 18 year olds. It's a blank after that, the next thing I remember is a feeling of such joy and Brian calling out my name; but I don’t remember why. Oh I heard what happened and Brian even tried to recreate it, a painful fruitless exercise at best and a fucking nightmare for Brian at worst. Ironic that he wishes he could forget and all I want to do is remember. He came to my prom and then later I learned he also stayed by my side almost constantly for weeks. He brought me back into the land of the living. How could I ever doubt that Brian cared for me? But doubt I did. I guess I became so desperate for words after the prom because I couldn't remember what happened. There was such a gap there. I guess I thought I could fill it with words, that somehow hearing them would end the ache inside; would end the constant feeling of knowing something but not knowing it. However Brian is not one for words, he is one for actions and unfortunately I almost lost everything for thinking I needed words of love. Two of the worst mistakes in the lives of Taylor and Kinney was me trying to set boundaries or rules and then Ethan. Brian allowed me to see the folly of both. He came to me that night at Babylon and told me to my face that when he came home it was me he was coming home to. Why didn’t I hear what he was saying that night??? How could I have been so deaf? And I didn't even have the excuse of losing my hearing as an effect of the bashing; just my mind. But whatever the reason, I didn't hear and I set rules for Brian. Rules that he kept and I broke. All because I thought I needed words-words that I certainly got from Ethan, but I also got lies. It’s almost funny; I stood on those steps in Harrisburg at Ethan’s concert and all I could see was myself all those months ago when I too thought words were all that mattered. I may not have liked everything Brian did but he made sure my eyes were always wide open and he never ever lied to me. When I realized I had made a huge mistake giving up on Brian, I resorted back to what I had done in the beginning. I made sure I was every where he was. This time though I was so much more grown up about it. Being a bit older than when I met him and also a bit wiser, I knew it was important that I have a legitimate reason for being where he was. Getting the job at Vanguard was a stroke of pure genius-and Ethan thought he had a market on that!! Then I made the mistake of saying the word orange during a presentation and he fired me. I think he'd been looking for a reason to do that and I handed him one on a silver platter. But I was determined not to let him off so easily. That was why before I left I had to make it clear to Brian what my feelings were. So as I cleaned my area in the art department I knew I had to make one last attempt to speak to him. I made an appointment to see him late in the day after everyone else would be gone. It was during this meeting that I told him that I knew what he wanted of me and I knew what to expect from him. I didn’t need the words anymore. We consummated our reunion on his desk and again later at the loft. Guess who had an orange light in his bedroom the following week I was there? If I could sum up in one word what most signifies Brian Kinney it would be the word sacrifice. I remember when I found him in the backroom at Babylon after he had spoken to Ethan and Ethan had decided to sign the contract and he said, “So you want him to sacrifice his career for a piece of blond boy ass. Is this your idea of true love?” So to prove his love for me in true Brian Kinney style, without words, that is precisely what he did for my ass later when he joined me in decrying Stockwell. He sacrificed his job, his possessions and almost his home. I think it was when everyone found out that it was Brian Kinney who had funded the campaign that kept Stockwell out of office, that his friends saw the light. They finally saw that Brian would do anything for those he loved. It wasn't until Darren got bashed because he was gay and asked me why I hadn't stood up to my attacker that I realized how much my bashing was still affecting me. It wasn't just me who saw this but also Brian. He had buried as much of that night as he could and I guess he assumed that I had done the same. I decided to become a member of a vigilante group called the Pink Posse. We kept going further and further pushing the envelope against heterosexuals. As I look back, I realize that Brian put up with so much from me during those weeks. I was so angry, so frustrated, so sick of all the hate and rejection, the second class citizenship. I was tired of the overwhelming sense of helplessness .I wanted to strike back. I wanted to force change on the system, to change the world, to make the world a safer place for all those round pegs that can't fit into square holes. He tried to help me see that I was going about it the wrong way, but I refused to see it. That is until the night Cody and I went to Chris Hobbs’ house. Once I had humiliated Chris, suddenly my anger just melted away and in that moment I saw Cody for what he was; what Brian had wanted me to see him as. Cody was just out for his own agenda and that was revenge for the supposed wrongs he had suffered. Brian had been so patient waiting for me to see that, wondering if I would see it before I got hurt or worse. Once again I realized how lucky I was being one of those people that Brian loves. I also hadn't realized how closely Brian listens to me. When he found me making posters while at Vanguard and ordered me to stop, I said to him, “I have to do what I believe in”. Soon he silently joined me in my efforts. But Brian, being Brian had to take it further. It wasn't enough to just make a joke out of Stockwell; he had to figure out a way to really impact the election and he did. When I found out that he was the entire “Concerned Citizens for the Truth,” I was shocked so I asked him why he had done all that he had to stop Stockwell. I'll never forget his answer, he said, “Some asshole told me if you believe in something strongly enough, you have to be willing to sacrifice for it.” Those were my words, he'd listened and agreed, then respected my opinion enough to assimilate it into his own. But with Brian it was more than words, always more than words. It was actions; he had followed my credo and lived it out as well. When I think of my life with Brian, it reminds me of something that is a perfect example of Brian and where we both are today. Once my family went up to Maine to bury my mother's great aunt. I wasn't very old but I remember my grandmother giving my mother this hideous old vase. It was black and ugly. I couldn't understand why my mother would want it, but she did. A few weeks later I found her sitting at the dining room table when I came in from school. She was polishing this beautiful detailed silver vase. She looked over, realizing how surprised I was. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The more she rubbed it, the shinier it got. There was something warm and classical about it. I couldn't believe that it had been hidden away under years of neglect. I didn't even believe her at first when she told me it was that same vase my grandmother had given to her. Sometimes I find myself looking at Brian with similar amazement. On the outside, he has always been beautiful, but inside seemed to suffer from years of neglect, compliments of his dysfunctional family. Now though I see it shining out of him; that light, the warmth. Every day I see more and more of that treasure that has always been hidden inside of him just waiting for someone to stick around long enough to find the potential inside. Thankfully I am that person and with each day we spend together I rub a little more of the darkness away. We both have a long way to go and I know it will never be easy, but together we will make it ******* Justin looked up at Brian with tears in his eyes and the smile that won him the nickname Sunshine and said, “With this ring I give myself to you Brian Kinney for now and for always.” return to index